The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[teabagyokel]

To: Tricker, Bodgit & Runn
From: Hoeffer, Schmitzer & Smith

Sirs

Mr Hamilton claimed to be "number one this weekend". Since this weekend does not fall under Mr Hamilton's contractual period of oneness (2nd November 2008 - 18th October 2009) he is contracted to Mr. B. C. Ecclestone to desist from calling himself Number One.

Yours,

HS&S

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Mr Finch,

I often spend a lot of time in the shadows in the pitlane and I would like to pass on that I witnesses Mr Schmitzer of the lawyers Hoeffwe, Schmitzer & Smith consulting with a Mr B Ecclestone about a TV edit in order to make it appear that your client Mr Hamilton claimed to be number one in order to bring this case forward.

He also set up an all German jury.

Please don't ask me to testify though as I spend most of my time at the back of the Force India garage in disguise(I'm not George Harrison)

Kind Regards

Mr Boo Radley

 

[Jen]

Boo

Thanks for that.

A clincher if ever I saw one!

Atticus

 

[teabagyokel]

From: M. J. Hoeffer
To: A. E. Schmitzer
Cc: R. T. F. Y. Smith

Mr Schmitzer,

Please don't start using plots against the law, Anthony Hamilton (calling himself Boo Radley - again!) has caught you!

I presume you packed your golf clubs for your trip to Abu Dhabi though - see you on the course!

Mr. Hoeffer.

 

[Jos the Boss]

Ant

Please come back? Those other jerks are jerks. NO wonder andy Murray wins fuck all, they're terrible.

Lewis

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Lewis Hamilton

You are a bastard!

Kind Regards,

Braveheart Association of Swearing at the English

(your personal representative: Sean Connery)

 

[RasputinLives]

Mr. Hoeffer

I write to you in order to make it clear that I have never represented myself as the individual Boo Radley. I certainly do not spend my time hiding in the shadows at the back of the Force India garage. I spend it chasing TV camera's in order to get myself on screen!

On a completely seperate matter would you be interested in representing me in legal action against Martin Brundle and all the boys on the BBC? You've seen John Button on there, Seb Vettels dad, Mark Webber's dad, Paul McCartney, Borris Becker even James effin Cordon but have they ever interviewed myself? No! I think its pejudice because I know more about F1 than them.

Kind Regards

A. Hamilton

P.S: I'm also thinking of taking action against a Carman Lockhart for steeling my thunder.

 

[Jos the Boss]

To: Ron
From: Lewis

Come on Ronny I know you can do it, that martin button is so unfair to me, he is too busy with his new husband Jenson. So I'm counting on you ron, I know I'm not completly forgiven after my affair with James Allen, but just get the engine deal through for me. You know, yellow helmet, Mclaren-Honda, totally second coming of Senna.

 

[teabagyokel]

To: Lewis
From: James

I can't wait to see you again, you know how much I scream when you win...

Jamie
xxxx

 

[Jos the Boss]

To: James
From: Jenson

Get in there! Literally. Please? Martin hasn't touched me since like 20 minutes ago, and Jessica hasn't since I grew this tash.

 

[Fenderman]

To: Petrov, Vital
From: Boullier, Eric

Dear Vitaly,

Thank you for making your abject apology the other day. Thank God you are not Lewis Hamilton and we are not McLaren. That was a really close shave. Imagine the BBC picking this up, we would not hear the end of it until 2013! Ha, ha.

I have taken the precaution of announcing to the world that the whole team is complaining about the car being an absolute (as they say in English) pig, although I did "big it up" (as an American would say) by calling it a "bold failure". Of course I did mean "bald" but fortunately Autosportabloid are prone to more typo's than The Grauniad.

I also told them the incident is closed, which it will be so long as you remember not to say such things to that eye-candy reporter from the BBC. You know the one I mean, that one who asks the dumb questions and ignores your answers. It's not her fault, it's the way they train them in YuKay.

Anyway, thanks again.

Yours,

Eric (not the Viking).

 

[teabagyokel]

To: Boullier, Eric
From: Putin, Vladimir

Dear French capitalist pig,

Why flower of Russian manhood not happy with car? Why Putin hearing Petrov not get seat at Renault Lotus next year? Why Renault Lotus want to offend USSR Russia?

Putin not paying money for Grosjean. Putin not paying money for Senna. Putin not paying money for Kubica.

Yours sincerely,

Putin.

 

[Fenderman]

To: Putin, Vladimir
From: Boullier, Eric

Dear Vlad,

I am most distressed at the way you have obviously been misinformed about the current situation. Rest assured young Vit' has a contract for 2012. We agree with him entirely that our current car is кал. Next years car will be so much better. Please wait and see for yourself.

We realise Lotus is a name associated with capitalist pigs but it is also a flower most commonly found in China. Whilst Moskvitch is an interesting name it's not French. So, we're sticking with Lotus but think of the flower and think of it as RED like China.I think you will agree that that solves our little PR problem and if you have the roubles we'll have no trouble.

I don't know who put the "rouble" in trouble or the "pr" in problem but it wasn't us, we can assure you.

I hope that clears up any misunderstanding.

Yours most sincerely,

Eric.

 

[teabagyokel]

To: Boullier, Eric
From: Putin, Vladimir

Dear Chinese communist flower,

I want see Vitaly in car in 2012 before I believe you. I always want see before believe, when I told about Berlin Wall, I did not believe person who tell me. I still no believe Hasselhoff there.

Good luck in Brazil.

Putin

PS. Sorry for confusion with capitalist piggery.

 

[Fenderman]

To: Putin, Vladimir
From: Boullier, Eric

Dear Vlad,

See? Already we are on the same page. I said wait and see and you said you want to see before you believe. I think we are talking the same language. Well, via English, anyway.

No offence taken with regard to the "piggery", so no apology required.

By the way, how's your mom, Vlad' ?

Regards,

Eric

 

[teabagyokel]

To: Boullier, Eric
From: Putin, Vladimir

Dear Boullier,

Sorry, I get mail read to me by President Medvedev. I deal with idiot boy.

My mother dead for 13 year.

Many year ago, in KGB, we end many letters by asking how mums were. Many time we knew how they were and where they were too. You show promise, but key lessons still to learn.

Putin

 

[Fenderman]

To: Putin, Vladimir
From: Boullier, Eric

Dear Vlad,

Merde! Sorry to hear about your mother. I must have been away and missed the news. One does learn something new everyday, well until senility kicks in anyway. Still, I assume you're over it by now. Merde happens.

So, how's the Mockba GP circuit coming along?

Eric

 

[teabagyokel]

To: Boullier, Eric
From: Putin, Vladimir

Eric

Track in Sochi. Same place as Winter Olympics. New Pirelli snow tyres testing started.

Cannot be worse failure than American Pigs 2012 race.

Putin.

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Mr Dennis,

Its with great regret that I write this letter but I wish to notify you that I will be leaving the employment of Mclaren at the end of the season. I do hope this letter reaches you in time before you hear this announcment in any other way but obviously having had my E-mail privledges taken away from me since 2007 I wasn't able to notify you electronically.

I have been offered a place working with a Spanish team name Hispania. You may have seen their cars being lapped by your own during Grand Prix. The money is not significant and obviously their organisation is not to the scale of your great Mclaren empire but I feel it is an oppotunity for me. Although I have enjoyed being your personnel chauffer this last year I have to admitt that when you offered me a position driving for Mclaren I had thought you meant race wise. Don't get me wrong you have treated me with every respect and manging to arrange for me to drive in the Candian Grand Prix as a reward for getting your car extra shiney at the car wash was incredible - by the way how did you get Sergio Perez to pull out? However I feel I have come to an age where I need to start advancing my career and being able to race for HRT next year could be the making of me.

I do hope you understand and their is no ill feeling between us and if there is ever an oppotuinty for us to work together again you won't think twice about it.

On another note my new employers have asked if it is possible for you to remove the electronic tagging chip you surgically attached to my scrotum before I join them. Any chance you could book me in with the Mclaren surgeons?

Yours Faithally

Pedro De La Rosa (Test Bio)

 

[Road of Bones]

From: Martin Whitmarsh
To: Biomaton (supplemental) Mk 3 (PdlR)

Pedro,

Ron's a bit busy with a VIP this morning, so I'm answering on his behalf. Thanks for all your work over the years - sorry we couldn't do better than a few run-outs while Fatty Montoya was convalescing, but Ron's word, as you well know, is law.

Your e-mail privileges are hereby restored.

The tracking device will have to stay - we need to know precisely where you are on-track to make lapping you next year more straightforward for Jenson.*

All the best,

Martin

*oh, and Lewis too, I suppose...