The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[FB]

From: Karun Chandhok
To: Head chef, Raddison Blu, Buddh International Circuit

Hi Faisal

I've put the money in your account, I hope the meat you are preparing for Jarno has been out in the sun for the last 2 weeks as agreed. Thanks for you help

Karun

 

[Jen]

To: Karun Chandhok
From: Faisal, Head chef, Raddison Blu, Buddh International Circuit

Not had much luck with the meat but do have some SUPER hot chillies.

Should work a treat

Faisal

 

[cider_and_toast]

FM: Jarno@clingingon.co.oh
TO: Mike@maybenextyearinacaterham.up.do
CC: TeamLotusMedicalTeam@elastoplast.ou.ch

Mike,

Forgive me for not making it to the first team meeting today as I've been up all night spray painting the royal doulton after coming off second best to a pretty spicey little beef number. Heikki took me to the Raddison for a team bonding meal in the wake of our mis-understanding on that remote island (or possibly Wales). He ordered on my behalf and I have to say that the Beef Chandhok was wonderful, if a little hot for my Italian tastes. Suffice to say, I woke at 5 am with a bum like a Japanese flag and a battle going on in my guts. I telephoned Dr Nick at the medical office who recommended I drink plenty of water and purchase some pre-chilled loo roll. Thankfully all appears to be normal now.

See you this afternoon.

Jarno.

 

[FB]

 

[Jen]

From: Karun Chandhok
To: Faisal, Head chef, Raddison Blu, Buddh International Circuit

Faisal

The chillies were only a short term solution, a good try though.The meat would have been better but I know you had trouble with health and safety constantly bringing it back to the fridge.

We won't get him back to the hotel, so could you do one of your deadly sandwich runs - don't let him see you though or he 'might' catch on - could I suggest a mix of prawn mayo and coronation chicken - unchilled, of course.

Karun

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Chandhok, Karun
To: Head Chief, Yas Hotel
Cc: Karthikeyan, Narain
Subj: Italian food

After I missed out on the Indian inaugral Indian Grand Prix in India (India) on Sunday, and after conversations with my fellow Indian Indian from India, Narain, we have come to the conclusion that our seats are been kept un-Indian by a couple of Italians. Therefore, we expect some rank pizzas at the Yas Hotel, even though its not Indian in India, to see Indians in Indian seats at the not Indian Grand Prix which is not in India.

And can I ask where you get your wine from, too?

Karun (from India)

 

[FB]

From: Maitre d', Yas Hotel
To: Karun Chandhok, Indian Driver, India
Re: Italian Wine

Where do you think we get if from chump?

http://www.jarnotrulli.org/Jarno Wine.htm

We ain't gunna bite the hand that feeds us now are we?

Akram
(Although as Maitre d' at this poncey hotel you can call me Francois)

 

[Jen]

To: Francois, Maitre d', Yas Hotel
To: Karun Chandhok, Indian Driver, India
Re: Italian Wine

Francoise/Akram

Do I detect a hint of jealousy there?

I know it's not French wine and that's because it is too expensive to get a comparable quality. I have tried the Trulli wines and they are quite passable, at a fraction of the cost - especially the 'whites' but still not a patch on the NZ sauvignons.

As a compromise, could I suggest 'Kingfisher beer' - refreshing in the heat and a good accompaniment for something as prosaic as some Italian food - a category that pizza falls into, I believe!

Karun

 

[Jos the Boss]

To: Maitre d', Yas Hotel
From: Jarno

You said my name! You said my name! Yay, my wine's famous!

 

[teabagyokel]

From: The Italian F1 Drivers Food and Drink Fraternity
To: [Maillist]

Jarno wine is best served with a delightful supper of Giancarlo's Fishy Cheddar.

 

[Jen]

From: Jarno Trulli
To: All and sundry

Fishy is about right when talking of anything Giancarlo has produced.

 

[RasputinLives]

To: Kimi@FUIMFINNISH.CO.FI
CC: Frank@williamsF1.co.uk
From: Patrick@williamsF1.co.uk

Topic: RE: Contract Demands

Kimi,

Firstly can I state that we all all very excited you are considering us here at Williams F1 and really hope we can establish a good working relationship however I'm unable to accept all the list of demands you had before signing the contract. I will address them point by point as you demanded them.

1 - We have no problem with you wearing your Wolverine costume during Grand Prixs as long as you wear your fire proof overalls over the top

2 - Unfourtunatly 'that bloke in a wheel chair' as you call him is neither Patrick Stewart or Charles Xavier the character he played in the X-Men movies and therefore he is unable to erase your 2008 and 2009 seasons from people's memories

3 - We can assure you that your team-mate will not be a small popular Brazilian bloke but how do you feel about a balding disliked Venuzulan?

4 - I'm afraid FIA rules state that every F1 car uses standard fuel as supplied by themselves so we would be unable to fill the car with Vodka and light it in order to make the car go 'as quick as someone leaving the room after I've let one rip' as you put it.

5 - You'll be happy to know that at each Grand Prix we already have a freezer stocked with a variety of frozen treats and therefore can fufil this demand no problem

6 - We did discuss this one with Bernie but apparently FOM regulations state that none of the grid girls can be topless. Sorry.

We hope you understand why all your demands can not be met and hope you will still consider joining us here at Williams F1

Best Wishes

Patrick Head.

P.S: yes we suspect that about David Coulthard and Adrian Newy too

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear William,

Nice team.

Grid girls only need to be topless in Kimi's shed. Also, bottomless.

Happy to agree on all other points.

Kimi.

PS. Not even need to be grid girls. Just from same gene pool.

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Mr Raikkonen,

It saddens me to have to write to one out longest serving members to remind them once again that our dancers are for looking and not for touching and that even applys to the 'pull my finger' game you like to play.

On top of which we would like to enquire when you plan on paying your tab here? We know you are a world famous racing driver but as you tab is $252,053 we are quite keen for you to settle this. You informed out bills collector recently that you were signing some form of contract so you could cover this? Has that been done.

Sorry to bother you and we hope you continue to enjoy our facilities

Mr I.P Freely

Spearmint Rhino Lapdancing Services
Birmingham

 

[Jos the Boss]

To: FIA, Williams
From: JPM

Stupid Fuckin Raikkonen, he's a fuckin idiot, he dont deserve an F fuckin 1 drive, he's a fuckin shitbag guys. I am pissed of. And he's shit at NASCAR. Get off the fuckin grid and out of racing.

Juan Pablo Montoya

 

[Slyboogy]

To: JPM
From: Kimi

Watch out for the camera Juan....it may just break your head and you may also loss a significant amount of brain cells. That is, if you have any.

Cameraman's best friend

 

[Jos the Boss]

To: Kimi
From: JPM

He broke ma fuckin head, stupid fuckin cameraman. And watch out for children, you don't wanna knock another one of them open. And also watch out for open fire's, your alcohol level can keep you ignited for days.

 

[Slyboogy]

To: JPM
From: Kimi

What is a photocopier?

 

[Jos the Boss]

To: Kimi
From: JPM

Who the fuck gives a shit about a photocopier? Its not like I need your set-ups or technical shit. Jeez man have an ice-cream and calm the fuck down, your stressing about nothing

 

[cider_and_toast]

FM S.Fuller@nicenspicey.co.oh.wow.oh
TO L.Hamilton@smilebaby.co.oh.ho

Lewy Baby!!!

Great work splitting up with that tramp. We've moved you up 25 places on the OK magazine list of most talked about celebs. Great Stuff.

Sorry I didn't catch up with you in India man but I was working on a new contract for you to appear on Nicole and Lewis What happenend next for ITV2.

You did great on the track baby, all that Massa V Lewis stuff is selling great back home. A full page spread in Hello, a double page in Heat and a front cover of Take a Break. This is the big time man and it don't get no better than this.

On another note, I'm sorry about the last e-mail that said now Nicole has left it's a great time to record a new album. That was from a junior staffer who thought that Lewis and the Mclarens was a soul band not one of the finest drivers that the world has ever seen FACT!.

Ok Lewy baby, gotta sign out now man and get back to bringing them greenbacks in for ya.

Keep up the good work, that no smiling thing at the last race was genius. Another gimick like that for the remaining two and you could be looking at at least 2 new ITV2 series followed by your own sitcom on Sky Living.

Chow for now.

Big Si.