The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB
 
Dear Modena

I would like to add to my comedy name, Please allow me to rename it, I was better than Villeneuve up Eau Rouge. Consider this, thanks!

Riccardo Zonta
 
Dear Mr Ide

Thank you for showing an interest in DWSTFFA but I regret to inform you that with great reluctance we must decline you application to become a member however we did forward your application on to our sister organisation the WGTSLA (Who Gave Them a Super Licence Association) who were please to offer you complimentary tickets to their next event hosted by Perry McCarthy entitled "How I went round Eau Rouge without a steering column(I used to be the Stig!!!)"

For more details concerning WGTSLA and its activities please send a self-addressed envelope to

Mr Philippe Adams
WGTSLA
22 Pacific Forti Road
The Kingdom of Bahrain

Kind regards

Mr Stefeno Modena

President of DWSTFFA
 
Dear Stigs Past,

We cannot make a comment on who the Stig is. Also [COUNTRY] is a [DISEASE]-infested hole of [UNDESIRABLE OBJECT] who's people are a bunch of [ADJECTIVE] cretins.

Top Gear Production Staff
 
From: Boullier, Eric
To: Putin Vladimir
Subj: RE: You French Scum

Dearest Mr Putin

Bonjour from sweet paris! My sincerest apologies my friend for the lack of Petrov in our team but our machanics really disliked him due to him smelling of cabbage soup and most of our mechanics are German. As you know, despite being your ally, We French always collapse at the first sign of any German pressure hence Petrov out. Please note Grosjean will be driving under the Swiss flag this year so he is netural and keeps all the money. Good luck with the sharks

Eric
 
From: Putin, Vladimir
To: Boullier, Eric
Subj: Re: RE: You French scum

TBY.webp


Your engineers commute to Enstone from Germany? Impressive journey. Not as impressive as trip to Siberia for find Yeti, but at least [Russian Gov't edit - Still State Secrect, not tell Lotus] in a bodybag. Me no believe you and WWII stereotype. Also me not care about Switzerland, poor solution to Western Europe problem, need less nations & more Russia.

Put Petrov in car or will be more Russia again.

PUTIN
 
From: Boullier, Eric
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subj: Re: Re: Re: You French Scum.

Yes most of our mechanics are German as last years car was secretly built by old Toyota team to save us money hence why the car was crap. Petrov does not have a certain, as the english say, je ne sais quoi. Can only apologies. As token of friendship I will send you Jerome D'ambrosio as your personnel chauffer. As for solutions to Western Europe's problems I feel I have to remind you that majority of Russia is in Asia and therefore Capitalist pig dog Tony Fernandes may be your best bet for Petrov as he runs airline for Asia.

Eric.
 
From Tony Fernades
To: Vlad the Impaler, Eric Bourguignon

Re: Recent e-mail exchange

You keep me out of this. Oh bugger, now you know I'm hacking your e-mails...

It was all Flav's idea!

Tony
 
To: Fernandes, Tony
From: Putin, Vladimir
Subj: Petrov & "Other Passengers"

Dear Tony,

Many congratulation on QPR's last win many moons ago. Have you consider taking Russian driver to Caterham for many monies? His appearance pay more to you than you get in Italian wine, though we can pay in vodka if that company policy.

In other matter, we need airplane to fly from Mirny, small town in Siberia. After latest Yeti hunt [Russian gov't edit - State Secret don't tell Caterham] with gigantic seat to make trip to Moscow for research. May need tall plane.

Thanks,

PUTIN.
 
To: Whitmarsh, Martin
From: Dennis, Ron
Subject: Our drivers

Martin

Keeping this as short as possible, don't want to alert that ROB on CTA!

What is happening with my boys and all this speculation/conspiracy about team orders and underhand manipulation?

Ron
 
To: Khartikeyan, Narain
From: Lewis Hamilton

Na -I don't tolerate-rain

I may not like it when you act like a road block when I am lapping you, but I would like to applaud your efforts for what you did at the Malaysian GP.

You managed, splendidly I have to say, to make my team mate crash into you, then you slyly went off the track and cameback to slice my arch-nemisis' tyre off which led to him calling you an "idiot".

Also, can you take care of Martin Whitmarsh for me in the next race, just you know, don't hit the pit-lane speed limiter when coming in to the pits.

Thanks,

Lewis
 
To: Lewis Hamilton
From: Khartikeyan, Narain

Dear Lewisham, Sahib,

My mirrors have not been upgraded unlike yours. Despite my best efforts my car has also not been divested of its opponent magnets. I live in fear of Fellippy Messup as his performances now mean that he is likely to be in my end of the field and no longer magnetized to your MacLawrence. I know penalisation will be unavoidable with regard to combat with anyone in a Red Booll but, please, can you advise me on how I might avoid penalties incurred by Messup bumping into me. In return I will see what I can do about Marwash Whitmunch.

Yours fraternally, your friend and ally,

No-rain-no-pain
 
To: Jenson Button
From: Narain Karthikeyan

JB you idiot,
YOU RUINED MY RACE! I WAS ON FOR GOOD POINTS MAYBE EVEN A WIN BEFORE YOU HIT ME! I ALWAYS SAID JEALOUSY WAS A BAD THING, JEEZ!
From
Potential race winner Narain
 
Back
Top Bottom