The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[Slyboogy]

To: Simon Fuller
From: Lewis Hamilton

That is frickin' ridiculous! Who's call was it to make this programme? Frickin' terrible idea!

Ayrton Senna's adopted son.

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Massa, Felipe
To: Smedley, Rob
Subj: New Contract

Rob,

I've got a new contract. You and me, we'll be 2012 World Champions!

Felipe

xxxxxxxxx

 

[Road of Bones]

From: RSmedley
To: FMassa

re: New Contract

Chuffin' marvellous. We'll get working on the Hamilton bumpers then, shall we?

(Did I explain the phrase "sick as a parrot"?)

 

[FB]

From: Fernado Alonso
To: Rob Smedley; Felipe Massa

Re: New Contract



Love

Fernando

 

[Fenderman]

From: LHamilton
To: FMAssa

Hi Felipe,

Great to hear about your new contract.

Seb' wants to make it a hat-trick and has offered twice as much as last year for us to keep up the bump fest'. 50/50 split again? Hope that's okay.

Lot's of love

Lew

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Massa, Felipe
To: Hamilton, Lewis
Subj: Seb's cash

Lewy,

Won't Mark be upset we haven't cut him in next year if you do that?

Felipe

 

[Fenderman]

From: LHamilton
To: FMAssa

Hi Felipe,

Nah. Seb' said he's got another arrangement. Mark somehow didn't make the cut. I think it had something to do with his being a No.2.

Lot's of love

Lew

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Horner, Christian
To: Webber, Mark
BCc: Vettel, Sebastian
Subj: Your role!

Hey Mark,

I'm really happy at how this year's gone for all of us. I mean, how many times have you beaten Sebastian? Anyway, it was an aberration and we'll be sure to win him that one at Hock next year!

Just to say, the job you're doing can be continued next year, because we've got the bribery going again. Lewy and Felipe are going to carry on hitting each other and Jenson's going to keep driving only the last 10 laps of a race. Fernando seems incorruptible (and irritable) but luckily his car's pretty slow!

So its all steam ahead for 2012

Christian!

 

[Fenderman]

From: Vettel, Sebastian
To: Horner, Christian

Re: Me

Hi Christian,

Woo Hoo! That's what I'm talkin' about.

Thanks, boss.

Seb

 

[Slyboogy]

From: Webber, Mark
To: Horner, Christian

G'day mate!

Yeah mate, I've been showing Seb how I am not bad for number 2 driver! I have beaten Seb once, it was great, first time I bet him since Monza 2010 mate. Thanks for giving me his front wing in Nurburgring mate, that was fair dinkum, and felt ripper mate!

Now that's Lewis and Felipe taking care off mate, who cares about Fernando, me and Jense made the guy 'give up' in Korea, pretty sure I can fuck him up again mate.

I am having a barbie after the race mate, last time I had one in Brazil no one from Red Bull came Christian, what's the deal? I am expecting a full turnout this time round, if not I am going to tell the whole world that you gave me Seb's wing in Nurburgring and that the team's trying to sabotage that little German guy that keeps winning so I can finally stand on the top step of the podium.

Another thing, when you giving me Seb's wing again mate? I want it for the next two races mate, I reckon I can go on a big role and achieve that thing that Seb achieved last week, the......Grand Chelemy...thing or whatever the fuck it's called.

Mark

PS. Tell Adrian Newey that he looks like the BFG, ya know mate?

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Mark,

I agree you are not a number 2 driver, by the Red Bull Racing Performance Indicator Chart

Christian

 

[Jen]

Dear Mum

Thanks for rocking up to Abu Dhabi and hope you have had a really cool birthday - I did it for you, honest

loads of love

Lewis xx

PS: Where did di Resta come?

 

[Fenderman]

Dear Baby Lewi,

It was my pleasure. Thank you so much for inviting me I had such a lovely time.Isn't that young bloke Rubby a really nice chap. I didn't realise he was so short but what a lovely personality.

Little Paul comes from Scotland, I think. At least that's your dad's excuse.

Love

Mumsy xxxxxxxxx

 

[Jen]

Yeh, Mum

Yes, Rubby is lovely and young, in comparison, but past his best in F1 - always a gentleman though!

I meant where did di Resta come in the race, not where is he from!

He's the one that Dad manages now

Lewi xxx

 

[Fenderman]

Dear Baby Lewi,

Well, it's better than telling you porkies. I mean, storks! Who would believe that for a story?

Mumsy xxxx

 

[Fenderman]

Hello Lewis,

Intercepted your mum's memo. Apparently, it was about half way through the race. You chaps keep telling me it's better than sex. Can Paul borrow your spare race-suit. Just until he gets home to change? Okay?

Dad

 

[Jen]

Dad

Paul has a long way to go, I think! No, he can't have any more of mine - he'll just have to cope with the consequences.

Lewis - number one this weekend

 

[teabagyokel]

Mr L. Hamilton,

We hereby serve you for an injunction on describing yourself as "number one".

Kind regards,

Hoeffer, Schmitzer & Smith,
Lawyers for Sebastian Vettel.

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Lewis

Whilst I couldn't be prouder of your win in Abu Dhabi and am even happier that you've split up with that gold digger Nicole it suddenly occurs to me that you've never invited me to a Grand Prix before? Why is that? is it because I is white?

Lots of Love

Mrs Carman Lockhart

 

[Jen]

To: The smarm brothers - Hoeffer, Schmitzer & Smith
From: Mr L Hamilton's representatives - Tricker, Bodgit & Runn

Sirs

Mr Hamilton has passed on your missive and we are issuing a defence to the effect that he is number one.

At no stage in his assertion did he state of what or where he was number one - so an injunction to stop him thinking so and broadcasting it to the World in general is a nonsense.

For all you know, it could be in his head only. Therefore, there is no need for an injunction of any description as he has not inconvenienced, maligned or sneered at any other driver, team or principal.

yours cleverly

Atticus Finch

On behalf of TBR

PS: we also represent Mr P di Resta