The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[Road of Bones]

McLaren "Pad, small, Notes for the Writing thereupon" found on the arm of Ron's massive ergonomic chair...

June 20th 2013,
To: Ross Brawn
From: RD

Ross,

It has not escaped my notice that you will soon be ousted from Haug's Mercedes Team, somewhat unfairly and vindictively to my eyes. As a fellow recipient of dubious and sinister FIA machinations, I am not unfamiliar with the concomitant feelings of outrage, mild infuriation and disappointment that ensues thereupon.

It therefore occurs to us here at the McLaren Centre for Automotive Racing Excellence and Anathema to the Political Machinations of the Vile FIA, that you might entertain the possibility of accepting the post of "Paddy Lowe's Replacement" that has recently been created become available. Salary and associated benefits would be commensurate for a gentlemen of your experience and Paddock Credentials.

No mention will be made of your former association with the "Red Menace", but any snippets of information that might remain conveniently unforgotten would be gently encouraged.

I am told the trout in the McLaren lake are particularly fiendish to apprehend at this time of year...

Yours hopefully in all sincerity,

Ron

 

[teabagyokel]

Simon,

If Ross goes to McLaren, I'm going to frickin' kill you!

Love,

Lewis

 

[FB]

From: RB
To: RD

What's the pie to employee ratio in the staff canteen?

Ross

 

[teabagyokel]

Ron,

I thought you only wanted silverbacks for the McLaren lake? Is this a change in official policy?

I'm also a bit worried this trout-based task may detain me from my vital work on the frontline for another while, I've already missed a month trying to source rocket red left-handed screwdrivers.

Sam

 

[RasputinLives]

From: Brawn, Ross
To: Bird, Sam
CC: Lauda, Niki; Wolff, Toto

Dear Sam,

It is with great regret and a sense of sadness that I have to inform you that your annual trip out in our tyre eating Mercedes F1 car has had to be sacrificed for the greater good. We will leave you to cancel your own transport and accomadation.

On a more positive note, considering the current cost of illegal testing, we may require your services for more secret testing. You would obviously be required to wear a plain helmet for your own protection. Myself or my associates will contact you with more details when we've finished laughing at todays verdict.

Yours

Ross Brawn.

 

[Jen]

From: Bird, Sam
To: Brawn, Ross
CC: Lauda, Niki; Wolff, Toto

I don't have a black helmet. Will a whitey, bluey, green one do?

Hopefully

Sam

 

[McZiderRed]

Sam,

You don't have a black, blue and green one, do you?

It would make you look bruised.

Sympathy would be great right now!

Yours hopefully,

Ross.

 

[teabagyokel]

Mr. Dennis,

Further to your last e-mail booking, your subject "SM 1 month research project on Bruce re: livery". However, Mr. Michael's first flight is on 24th July and his second on 24th September. I'd just like to check this is not an error.

Thanks,

John,
Admin Assistant,
New Zealand Airlines.

 

[RasputinLives]

To: Kravitz, Ted
From: SkyF1

RE: TV crew being banned from pitlane.

Dear Ted.

Welcome to Unemploymentville. Population: You.

All the best.

SkyF1

P.S Your P45 is in the post.

 

[Jos the Boss]

To: SkyF1
From: Kravitz, Ted

Do you idiots not pay attention to me? I work in the paddock and Mclaren!

 

[teabagyokel]

Todt,

I was told write to you to get licence for Sirotkin. He may be young, only 17. I remember me at that age, and would reminisce but KGB file not released. Will never be released while I alive, either. Anyway, Grand Prix will be at Sochi next year, and will have young Russian hero in race if FIA people want to leave with all limbs not swallowed by bears.

PUTIN

 

[RasputinLives]

His Royal Tsarness Putin,

Operation: Russian Winner for 2014 Grand Prix is already underway and have made contact with an individual using codename: Fat Italian who claims to have previous experience in setting up fixed races. Plan seems to involve safety car although informed him of your idea involving bears and captured Yeti but he say Yeti not fit in car. Could we pressure FIA for rule change?

You ever faithfal apprentice of the Sith.

Jacob Golas.

 

[teabagyokel]

"Jacob",

It not good to disappoint Putin. I remember 2011. It was clear Petrov not going to win season after promising start in Australia. I had to send mercenary to confront Renault guy Lux in nightclub. Admittedly, agent not of high quality, but agent possibly available for further assistance at Sochi.

Please tell Briatore that he no impress Putin with ludicrous actions and dead fat man can be found confused for ugly walrus in Siberia when Attenborough turn up to film documentary. He no intimidate me with legions of drivers; I get better starts than Webber when riding dead horse.

PUTIN.

PS. I know that you, Bernie.

 

[Jen]

Safety, what is this safety? And who are FIA?

Sirotkin is bendable and will win if instructed to.

No harm to bears or yeti unless I order, understand!!

Vlad Putin

PS Hang the formalities.

 

[Jen]

That tby does not speak on my behalf.

Vlad the impala

 

[McZiderRed]

GCHQ Missive: For her eyes only.

Operation P going as planned.
Rus still worried about possible own driver options.
Still confusing them with bear/yeti idea.
Tell David A to avoid the Walrus, cucukachoo.
Remember to send my tea and muffins.

Jacob G

 

[teabagyokel]

Ron,

I'm not sure how Sauber's driver choices really affect us, so I'm not entirely sure why you're sending me to Moscow. And I don't really get how that week adds two weeks on the end of my New Zealand trip.

I'm a tad afraid I'm missing the action somewhat.

Sam.

 

[Jen]

To: Dennis, Ron; Whitmarsh, Martin
From: Button, Jenson
CC: Button, John

There is a rumour on CTA that a dog is essential for winning!

Dad has said that he is quite happy to get one for me, so what would you suggest?

Jens

 

[teabagyokel]

To: Whitmarsh, Martin
From: Dennis, Ron
Re: Dog

Martin,

If you would be generous with your temporal allocations, could you kindly ascertain the quotient of silver in the canine contemporariously identified as a "greyhound"?

If John Button was appointed supervisor of biomaton number 5's canine, it would be advantageous to keep all lavatorial disinfection protocols jointly actioned.

Regards,

Ron.

 

[RasputinLives]

His Royal Tsarness Putin:

After Yeti Grand Prix win and private commumications have been published on their site I have begun Operation destroy Clip The Apex by kidnapping their fearless leader Brogan. I currently have him locked in the basement being forced to watch the entire 2004 F1 season on repeat over and over. His screams are loud.

His absense is starting to be noticed but have thrown them off the sent by stealing teabagyokel 's abbacus so he can not do the team mate prediction game.

FB is my next target as he is threaterning to post THAT picture of the large Italian gentlemen again.

Ever yours

Jacob G