The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[RasputinLives]

To: FIA
From: Hamilton, Lewis

Dear Jean Todd Carty,

I'm writing to complain at only being ranked second in the world championship table. I have 2 pole positions and have proved once and for all I am the fastest racing driver ever but then you make me do this thing called 'the race' and people always finish in front of me through no fault of my own.

For instance in Australia the mechanics told me that I had a problem with my clutch and after hearing this I went back to my car and looked and realised I didn't even have a clutch pedel! I've never had a clutch pedel. How unfair is it that everyone else had a clutch and I didn't? Also at the start I really needed a wee and was just thinking what would Ayrton do in this situation when the lights went off and I saw Jenson go past me and I lost control of my bladder and wet myself. Is it any wonder I wasn't as quick as Jenson with a none existant clutch pedel and my overall soaked in wee? I'm bound to be heavier. The wee alone must have cost me half a second a lap. Plus on top of that have you noticed the name Button is less letters than the name Hamilton? That means there is more paint on my car! That must be another half a second on its own!

Then we come to Malaysia. What was all that water about? Who ever heard of driving a Formula One car in the wet? I only remember one other race when it was like that but because I'm the bestest ever driver ever they let me be at the front and I could see and it was easy like it should be for me. In this one that Alonso bloke was out in front! How unfair is that? Why wasn't he given a penalty for being in front of me? Also that Mexican lad (Jenson told me he's called Pat Mcgroin but I'm not sure I believe him) was in front of me. How did that make any sense? People would have been tuning in at home expecting to see me gloriously going fast and spraying that champagne and would have seen this Mexican in front of me and thought thats not right, he's not as quick as Lewis I'm turning off. You really should have done something about it.

So I've decided to take a leaf out of my hero and only equal Ayton Senna's book and make a campaign for the safety of F1. In order for F1 to be fair the points should be awarded for qualifying and not the race. In fact you should probably run the race on Saturdays and the qualifying on Sundays as people only tune in to watch me going fast for a lap. You should also change the points for the last 2 races accordingly meaning I'm winning like I should be as the chosen one and people will probably watch F1 more because of it. If you do this I might be able to get Nicole to sing the Anthem at the U.S Grand Prix - it will be in the style of the Pussycat Dolls though.

Kind regards

His Royal Fastness

Lewis Hamilton (Ayrton Senna II)

P.S: This letter would have been the best letter ever but isn't through no fault of mine. Someone had moved all the keys on the keyboard so they weren't in alphabetical order and I couldn't see to type very well as I'm writing from a very dark place.

 

[Jen]

From: Vettel, Sebastian
To: Domenicali, Stefano
CC: di Montezemolo, Luca

Thank you so much for the crate of cucumbers. A much appreciated gesture and so unexpected.

I have spoken to my mother and we have decided to pickle these - a popular dish in our country. Once pickled, we will be distributing them amongst the RBR team (for Christmas) and I will make sure that at least one jar returns to you for your delight and enjoyment of German produce.

Thanks again

Seb

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Ecclestone, Bernie
To: Sinclair, Clive
Re: The Project

Clive,

Glad to hear you are well. How is construction of the ROBERNIE2020 progressing?

 

[Fenderman]

From: Sinclair, Clive
To: Ecclestone, Bernie
Re: The Project

Bernie, Dear Chap,

The project is progressing very well. I have returned from a recent espionage trip to Japan where, quite by chance, I happened upon a disgruntled Honda technician. Apparently, he was quite upset to have been discarded when Honda's F1 team was disposed of. Having worked on the project that gave rise to Asimo he handed me a 78 page dossier on Asimo's construction. We have already made great strides in incorporating Honda's Asimo IP into ROBERNIE2020. Interestingly, Asimo's stature is remarkably similar to your own so all that now remains is to upload your intellect and emotional characteristics into Asimo's ROBERNIE2020's AI brain.

Please let us know when you are available for the downloading procedure. As you will appreciate, this is twenty-second century technology - just like my trike was twenty-first century tech - so it will be a one-way journey. Don't worry about that though, it will be quite painless.

Your fiend and ally on the frontier of science and technology,

Clive Sinclair,

Genius, and inventor of the trike that would have sold millions had I marketed it as a toy and not as a serious road vehicle.

 

[teabagyokel]

Clive,

Build a prototype, I'm going to load a Minion into it first just to make sure.

King Bernard I

 

[Fenderman]

From: Sinclair, Clive
To: Dennis, Ron
Re: The Plot

Hi Ron,

Had another email from Bernie. Got a little problem with our "project". Bernie is sending a minion for us to upload his mind into Asimo his ROBERNIE2020. Wouldn't it be simpler to give our buddy Carlos (aka "The Jackass") a contract to take care of him?

CS

 

[Slyboogy]

From: Sebastian Vettel
To: Narain Khartikeyan
Subject: Waaagh

Gherkin = cucumber

Stop slicing my tyres, I know you cucumbers don't like getting sliced, but it doesn't mean you can slice my tyres for revenge.

Just because you're green doesn't mean you can try and be like my mate The Hulk, you jealous of him because he drives for the only Indian team in F1?

I hope you don't make him angry...or you may just get sliced.

 

[FB]

**URGENT****URGENT****URGENT****URGENT****URGENT****URGENT****URGENT****URGENT****URGENT****URGENT**

From: Clive Sinclair
To: Bernie Ecclestone

Re: The Project - DELAYED

Dear Bernie

Had to stop development of the ROBERNIE2012 as a larger problem in Zimbabwe has come up. I'm sure you will understand when I say that work on the RoboMugabe has had to be brought forward several months.

With sincere apologies

CS

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Ecclestone, Bernie
To: Mugabe, Robert

Bob,

So sorry to hear of your illness and that you can't make the Despots Conference this year. They've booked a smaller room with Hosni, Muammar and Kim not coming this year so I can't believe you won't make it either.

Do you know if Bashir is coming, or is he detained with 'other issues'. I could always sit with Vladimir, though, so don't worry about me.

See ya round,

Bernie

 

[Jos the Boss]

From: Mugabe, Robert
To: Ecclestone, Bernie

So when is Grand Prix? We have the meal for the fans, they shall eat like locals and eat nothing! We can build track in streets, I pay you nothing though, My soldiers and I look forward to seeing race.

 

[teabagyokel]

To: Mugabe, Robert
From: Ecclestone, Bernie

Sorry about the Grand Prix, Bob. I can only just about put a Grand Prix we've already contracted on, never mind a new one, what with these humanitarians etc. What you needed to do was look respectable, then start killing people after we turned up.

Sorry about that,

Bernie.

 

[cider_and_toast]

From: Director General BBC - BBC Towers - Manchester
To: All BBC F1 Staff and Crew

Dear Staff

While I appreciate your efforts with our coverage so far, I'm just writing to let you know that due to our coverage of Wimbledon and the Olympic games our F1 coverage will be scaled back a little. Starting from the British GP, our usual outside broadcast facility will be replaced by a 1992 Abbey Sprint 2 Berth Caravan which will also be used to provide a small selection of sandwiches to keep you all fed however, if you could please bring your own thermos flask of coffee we would be grateful.

To further stretch our budget it has been agreed that Eddie Jordan's shirt allowance will be reduced from £5 a shirt up to a maximum of 4 shirts to £2 pounds per shirt and a maximum of 2. Further, the colors of these shirts will be strictly limited to dull pastel shades in order to reduce the requirement for light filters over our outside broadcast cameras.

In order to reduce the costs still further, instead of our usual broadcast position in the pits and garages behind, we have been granted permission to present our show from one of the outer Car Parks. This will enable us to get close to the real fans of F1 on each day of racing.

Please don't think that these changes will effect the quality of our coverage and rest assured that viewers will not notice any difference in our output. Do not listen to the skeptics who say this is only due to the fact that they are now all watching sky.

Keep up the good work.

The DG

 

[teabagyokel]

From: EJ
To: DG

Sir,

May I just first say that what you've brought to the world of television is absolutely fantastic. Now I have to say these new restrictions are ridiculous, I have to wear dull colours like flourescent Orange and shocking pink, and that unfairly compromises the coverage at a time of scarcely prescedented budget cuts, which are entirely understandable which is why I'll back the plans to the hilt.


EJ

 

[FB]

From: BBC Viewers
To: BBC DG

Sir

On behalf of the F1 viewing public could you please show the summarisers moments in your F1 coverage in black on white from now on. This would be a wonderful cost saving move and would stop the great British public from vomiting into their lunch pail every time Eddie Jordan appears in one of his luminous shorts.

Also, would it be possible to by David Coultahrd a pair of trousers that are not two sizes too small? Finally, Simon Lazenby is great, have you thought of trying to poach him? Please? Go on! That said, under no circumstance should you consider a swap for Jake Humphrey, oh no. no, no, no, no, no, no... Two wrongs don't make a right.

Thank You

BBC Viewers

p.s. Have you thought about getting your coverage sponsored by Sky F1 HD?

 

[Jen]

From: DG
To: FB

Thank you for your input.

We have taken all this on board and will get back to you once the Jubillee coverage, the Olympics and Wimbledon have finished.

As you can imagine, we are quite challenged by the plethora of TV stations available and hope to formulate a plan in the next few months that will allow us to keep the epithet of 'the peoples' channel'.

I can not comment further until we have time to assess how everything went.

Yours, as ever

DG

 

[Jen]

From: Webber, Mark
To: Domenicali, Stefano
CC: Alonso, Fernando

Hi guys

Yeh, well, I expect you've heard the news about re-signing with RBR for next season and just wanted to clear up a couple of points.

Thanks for the very generous offer, much appreciated. I think Nando and I would have made a bonzer team and together we could have brought the prancing horse both championships for 2013 - Nando could have been my rear gunner!!

Anyways, I talked it over with the missus and we decided to stay put. Our reasoning revolved around two things - neither of us want to move to Italy and I love sticking it to Horner.

Stay safe and look after Felipe.

See you in Hockenheim

Mark

 

[cider_and_toast]

TO: Editor@AutosportandfriendofSky.co.notbbc.uk
FM: TonyF@Onesecondcloser.co.norfolk.uk

Dear Editor

May I just say I'm sorry for our recent press releases that you have seen fit to publish in your esteemed organ. I know how much you want to keep the information in your magazine as accurate as possible and it appears that our over keen press officer (now looking for employment elsewhere) may have got a little over excited and mislead some of your readership.

I would like to point out that the releases dated, 1 Mar, 5 Mar, 24 Mar, 12 Apr, 25 Apr, 2 May, 8 May, 25 May, 1 Jun, 20 Jun, 28 Jun, 2 Jul, 5 Jul and 14 Jul 2012 claiming that we had closed the gap on the teams ahead of us by one second a lap, may have been inaccurate and misleading.

Please find attached a replacement article for publication in your magazine this coming Thursday and once again I'm sorry for any confusion caused.

Caterham Find Two Seconds a Lap for German GP.doc - 245Mb

Regards

Tony F.

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Williams F1 Repairs Department
To: Sir Frank Williams

Sir Frank,

We want a payrise.

Kind regards,

Repair Crew

 

[Jos the Boss]

From: Sir Frank Williams- Auto reply
To: Williams F1 Repairs Department

This message has failed to deliver.

 

[Jen]

From: Todt, Jean
To: All team, drivers and engineers

Just a quick note to remind you that we are on shut down. This is compulsory and applies to ALL teams, whatever their size and standing!

So, to one and all, I wish you happy holidays, don't do anything that I wouldn't, stay safe and stay schtum - remember there is no-one about to field probing questions.

See you all at the end of the month.

Your best friend and French champion

Mr Todt