The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[Fenderman]

To: Marty
From Ron:


I am given to believe that there is a furnace available in Nigeria. It is very environmentally friendly since it is fired by the burning of evidence related to an email scam.

Perhaps Sam can run things whilst you are away.

Ron

 

[Fenderman]

To: Lewis Hamilton Esq.
From: Ron

Lewis,

Splendid drive at Monza but I see you are down in the dumps again. Perhaps you should come back. All is forgiven and I am sure I can find lots of money and a new hottie to keep your good self and Roscoe company.

Uncle Ron.

p.s. I am not one to beg but we do in fact need someone to put a dog of a car where it should not be.

p.p.s. Naturally I am referring to points paying positions rather than the scrappy.

 

[FB]

From: Lewis
To: Ron

Ron who?

 

[RasputinLives]

From: Hamilton, Lewis
To: Brawn, Ross

Boss,

Just recieved an email from a Ron offering me a job. I believe this to be Ron Howard offering me a role in his next film. I assume I'll either be playing my natural role as Senna......or he's cast me as the Fonz in the Happy Days remake.

Either way I'm off to Hollywood to get some bitches and ho's whilst not paying tax.

Laters

St Lewis of Hamilton
(Disciple of the church of Senna).

 

[cider_and_toast]

fm: Eric B
to: Renault head of motorsport
cc: Group Lotus Cars

Bonjour

J'ai mappelle Eric

Ja suis un team boss la Lotus f1 team et ja suis dons le merde. je vous drais 'un Renault support tres vite ja nais pas le driver Kimi jais prevent le return don la Ferrari team.

La Lotus automobiles non cash pour le racing, cest tres frustrating. Le team bon relationship avec Renault jais desire more of le same now.

Merci in advance

Eric.

 

[Slyboogy]

From: Renault Head of Motorsport
To: Eric Bouillier

SACRE BLEU!!!

 

[cider_and_toast]

fm: Eric B
to: Group Lotus Cars

Chaps, Eric here

Listen, I know we agreed that we'd stich up Tony and it was a big wheeze at the time but I need help and fast. Kimi's thinking of jumping ship to the scarlet side of the pit lane and I don't want that to happen. So, I know you may call me Mr Picky but we've been driving around for a while now as a free advertising board for your company. Mr Bahar agreed to pay us (insert value here) millions of Euro's prior to you giving him the shove. It's time for you to make good on the deal.

Many thanks

Eric

 

[FB]

To: Tony F Eric B
From: Lotus Cars Legal Department

If you continue to mis-use the Lotus name on your ham fisted attempt at an F1 Racing team we will have no option other than to sue. Please cease and desist immediately. For information the Westfield name is now available.

Sue, Badger & Bollocks
Attorneys at Law

 

[Jen]

To: Sue, Badger and Bollocks
From: Badger

I fear you have just signed my death warrant.

 

[teabagyokel]

To: Horner, C
From: Michael, S

Christian,

Just like to thank you again for your help in Abu Dhabi. I still don't know why the car McLaren had arranged to take me to the airport was 5 hours late, but I appreciate the inter-team solidarity you showed by giving me a lift.

Ron was delighted to see me back so quickly; he exclaimed "What the hell ... would we do without you, Sam?" when he saw me and went off to toast my return with some of Johnnie Walker's product. Quite a lot of it, apparently.

So thanks again.

Sam.

 

[Jen]

To: Michael, Sam
From: Horner, Christian

Least I could do!

I may need similar help in the future.

Chris x

 

[teabagyokel]

To: Williams, Claire
From: maldo_dude85

You smell of shit.

Anon.

 

[Fenderman]

From: Williams, Claire
To: maldo_dude85

I know who you are. May I suggest that you take your underwear off of your face.

CW

 

[teabagyokel]

To: Williams, Claire
From: Maldo_dude85

Yes I am one of your drivers. You should sack me.

Fat Valteri

 

[Fenderman]

From: Williams, Claire
To: maldo_dude85

Nice try Pasta. May I suggest that you clean out your locker and close the door behind you when you leave.

CW

p.s. Rubens lives in Brazil, which is handy. Bye.

 

[RasputinLives]

To: Williams, Claire
From: Symonds, Pat

Claire,

Following our recent revalation that taking a part off our race car has made it go faster I completed that brain storm you asked me to do on if there is anything else we can remove that would gain us more time.

After watching the qualifying in Texas I've concluded that if we removed a large Venezulan part from one of the race cars we might have got both cars in the top ten. The large Venezulan part appeared to make the car handle awfully as it kept going off the track and it must have slipped or something as it was whining all the way down the pitlane afterwards.

My advice is remove it for Brazil. Although I wouldn't replace it with that Scottish/Austrian part I've seen hanging round the garage.

Pat Symonds
Technical Advisor.

 

[teabagyokel]

To: Quantum Motorsports
Cc: Hulkenburg, Nico
From: Boullier, Eric
Sub: Driver

Please bring the money. Please. Please.

Eric.

 

[teabagyokel]

To: HR
From: Boullier, Eric

Put out an advert for repairman.

And for a hitman to get bloody Quantum Motorsports.

Eric.

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Ron,

Nice to see you back running the show at McLaren, just as you should be. In the last few months of the previous regime, I have spent a lot of time out of action, running spurious errands all across the world. I was wondering if my role in the team could be redefined to ensure that operationally, my talents are deployed effectively.

I will return to the MTC after I complete my current task sourcing tartan paint for the new livery. Jackie Stewart has been most helpful!

Falicitations,

Sam

 

[Fenderman]

From: Ron
To: Sam

Hello Sam,

Thanks. You should be aware that I made the decision to return somewhat ahead of the recent news that a position is about become available with CVC. Therefore please bear in mind that my return may be somewhat shorter than the rising of the Phoenix and possibly less dramatic. Still, you know me, i am never one to lie down and take failure as an option.

See you track-side

Ron