The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Horner, Christian
To: All Employees of Red Bull Racing
Sub: Factory Shutdown

Hi guys,

So we have entered in to Formula One's factory shutdown. I would just like to thank you for the hard work you've all put in over the last six months.

As you know, we at Red Bull Racing take a very literal approach to all rules, regulations and gentlemen's agreements. So, what is the Red Bull way to deal with a factory shutdown?

Well, we've shut down the factory of course. But make sure you pay attention to the rota to see which community centre, gymnasium or school hall in Milton Keynes we have hired so you can develop parts of the car while the factory is shut. And when we say the rota, here it is:

Dubiously legal summer job.xls

Lets get to the top in Spa!

Love you all,

Chris.

 

[RasputinLives]

From: Perez-Sala Luis,
to: All HRT Staff
Sub: Re: Factory Shutdown.

Dear Staff.

You may have recently seen an e-mail concerning a 'factory shutdown' and whilst I did enquire with the FIA as to whether this included us as none of you lazy buggers seem to do anything anyways apparently it does. This means the factory will be shut down completelly for a few weeks and you'll all have to find somewhere else to take your siestas and cook your paella when you're suppose to be working. We suggest Narain Karthikeyen's house as the likelyhood is we're going to drop him during the summer break and he could do with the company.

On another note when we do come back from the summer break can you at least try to dress smart? It has been noted by our sponsors that we are never shown on TV making pitstops and I do not want to have to explain to them it is because my staff insisted on sitting round the pitlane at hot GPs in just their underpants and vests.

Enjoy your Break.

Luis Da Boss

 

[cider_and_toast]

Found in a bottle, washed up on a beach, near Wales.

To Whom it may concern:

HELP, SOS, MAYDAY, PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE COME TO THE RESCUE

This letter may look like it has been written in human blood, but that's because it has. We have woken up to find ourselves, once again in a strange village in the middle of no where (or possibly Wales) and are desperate to get back to civilization. The Formula one season is only a few weeks away and we are sure that someone is going to miss us.

Please if you find this, send an urgent message to Mr Jean Todt care of the FIA in Paris and ask him to dispatch the following urgently:

1 Search and Rescue helicopter (recommend looking somewhere in the middle of nowhere or failing that North Wales)
1 giant knitting needle suitable for bursting very large plastic bubble
1 rescue vehicle (coach or something similar) capable of carrying all 35 members of the HRT race team, Mr T Glock, Mr M Schumacher, Mr V Petrov, Mr B Senna and Mr N Karthakayen.
Please also include, several rounds of sandwiches (cheese and pickle if possible), a few bags or crisps and a couple of bottles of pop.
Yes, ok Bruno, I'll put it in.... A woolen scarf and hat for Bruno because he's a bit cold.
Michael asks, can you tape the second leg of the Arsenal V Munich game in the champions league.
Oh and if you could save us a copy of this weeks Autosport that would be fantastic.

Yours in anticipation

Timo.

Oh and PS. Please could you also send an Ambulance and a couple of pints of blood, Type A+. Heikki didn't have a pen either.

 

[Jos the Boss]

Timo,

We sent a vehicle for Michael, maybe Heikki, leave the rest of the liabilities.

Jean

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Mr Todt,

Alright geezer? Hope your as sound as a pound fella. I'm having it large myself if I could just control these EFFING MOOD SWINGS!!!

Anyways Geez I'm writing on behalf of my posse 'aving it large' racing about your gear idea for Formula E! E has been our formula since 89 and the summer of love ain't it fella so we'd like to get on board your party train to mashville if we could. 10 different nights in 10 different cities? Living it large fella. I'm with you on this Zero emissions malarky too coz there ain't nothing worse than someone blowing their arse trumpey when ya trying to throw some shapes in the church of dance.

We can bring a lot to your party as well coz Bez from the Happy Mondays stocks us with supplies and he reckons they'd show up if the cities were decent especially Rio man coz Bez loves a Brazilian. Also my brothers mate MC Kevin once did a gig with the orb and he reckons they'll play anywhere as long as you give em a light show.

Anyways let us know geezer. Diamond.

Mr Ebberneza Goode
Rave Enterprizes.

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Mr Todt,

I await with interest news of your new Formula E project. I would invite you to consider, however, an alternative approach.

Here at the L. Luthor Laboratories, we have been developing an alternate chemical known only as Formula X. We believe Formula X is a remarkable substance which may or may not bring about superpowers, heightened intellegence or instant death upon enemies. It is one of the most promising discoveries in our supervillianism for a long, long time.

As one of our clients says, Why So Serious? Well, we are looking for volunteers in order to test Formula X, perchance a client who could provide us with an appropriate Lab Rat would be rewarded with the undying loyalty of the beast who would be unleashed. We hear Felipe Massa is not busy in 2014, as an aside.

We are looking to diversify our motorsport client-base. We have a non-diverse F1 client, who only likes to be called Mister E. (Like the Riddler, we like it!) I hope you will take advantage of your offer.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. O. Octavius,
Mad Scientist,
L. Luthor Laboratories.

 

[Fenderman]

Merci Professeur Fou,

C'est un concept magnifique. Je serais ravi de discuter d'un arrangement mutuellement avantageux ..

Jean

 

[Jen]

Mark opened the door to find a parcel on his doorstep.

Without thought of personal injury, he eagerly ripped open the package to find a red rose and a cardboard cut-out of a right hand displaying an erect index finger.

The attached note bore one word - "Friends?"

 

[Fenderman]

Reading the image of the erect finger hand twice, just to be sure he hadn't missed the point, Mark binned the parcel and contents.

Later that day, Mark un-binned the parcel and contents into a bin bag. " fucking bin's too good for that sort of fucking thing." he thought as he gave it a thorough wash.

 

[McZiderRed]

Dear Christian

I have tried to build ze bridges. It iz now up to ze number two driwer to respond, ya?
If he wants to use ze finger, he needs to win ze race. Then he may use ze correct finger!

Yours truly,

Seb
xx

 

[Jos the Boss]

Seb

It doesn't matter, I always loved you, you're the number one.
But this is getting silly now, we have to tell the world

Lots of love,
Chrissy Xxx

 

[Slyboogy]

Christian,

Vat iz de meaning of dis "xxx" I hope you not kissing my baby Zebastian, he iz mine!!!

Helmut Marko


PS: Not "Helmet", although I like baby Zebastians flashy vun we saw in Singapore.

 

[teabagyokel]

Mark,

Yeah, no... we were wondering if you could be so kind as to, erm..., for the Red Bull team not to dispose of Seb's peacemaking efforts. Team cohesion would, erm..., be aided if you could be friends with Seb.

Yeah, no... I think it is, erm..., as important as the illegal parts. Which we don't have.

Yours,
Mr. Horner

 

[Slyboogy]

Christian,

Stone the flamin crows Christian, I drove a bonza race. Even you said that Seb was being silly. I'm not apologising to that little tit, we all know he gets protection from the team.

Multi 21, if he can honour that, then fair dinkums mate.

Webbah

 

[teabagyokel]

Mark,

Yeah, no... the application of our "hold station" orders have been very, erm..., consistent. Seb can, erm..., match your inability to follow team orders but not, erm... your inability to overtake.

Yeah, no... your obedience is far less evident than the illegal nose cone. Which we don't have.

Regards,
Mr. Horner

 

[Fenderman]

Chrischun mate,

Gettin's that bloke to play 'Multi 21' is like pissing in a billabong to raise the water level. Hard work for no fucking impact. Try stuffing a bit more lead in his ballast. Better still stuff it where the doesn't .

Much obliged mate.

Webbah

 

[teabagyokel]

Mark,

Yeah, no... it is entirely against F1 regulations to stick ballast in such a place. I will forward your mail to Adrian.

Mr. Horner.

 

[Fenderman]

To: Mark Webbah; Sebastian Winfinger Vettel
From: The Management

RBR Tean Directive 001/2

Dear Sebastian and Mark,

Following our team reconciliation process and the meeting 4th April 2014 2013 inst', I write to inform you of The Management's decision regarding team orders and numbers one and two.

After much deliberation it has been decided that it will be in the best interests of The Team for our drivers to be allowed to race [each other] and that pursuant to this decision you will no longer receive instructions from pit wall during practice, qualification and the race.

Naturally this may lead to the occasional confusion with regard to strategy. In order to minimise confusion and embarrassment to The Team, we will from now on be reliant on the both of you telling us exactly what you need and want over the race weekend.

We trust that this is an acceptable solution to our issues and that you will both enjoy the rest of the season in an honourable and honest competition.

Finally, PLEASE DON'T CRASH

Yours Hopefully,

Chris' baby.
For and on behalf of The Management.

 

[teabagyokel]

Seb,

Ignore that last mail and just pass the bastard.

Christian.

 

[Fenderman]

To Mark
From: Chris baby

Hi Mark,

sorry about having to write that official memo but you know how it goes. Just watch the fuel consumption, tyre and brake wear. Okay? If you're really careful I might be able to put the odd extra buck or two in your pay packet.

Chris

P.S. Please delete this memo. Wouldn't want anyone to get the wring idea. Okay?