The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB
 
Click to expand
To: Ricciardo, Daniel
From: Horner, Christian

Daniel,

Yeah, no - you can have Mark's seat. Kimi didn't want it You're clearly the best man for it. Just remember - being a Red Bull pilot means never having to say sorry (unless it's to Seb, Helmut or at a pinch, me). Your place will be explicitly outlined in the Contract that Helmut's people are drawing up as I write this (don't expect any WDCs soon though)

Adrian is currently designing you a new hat and a less obtrusive quantity of teeth to better fit your mouth. Here's a hint - try keeping your gob shut for the first season, eh?

Yours, yeah, no

Christian
 
To: Horner, Christian
From: Ricciardo, Daniel

Dear Boss,

hahahahahaha, I'm so hahahahahahah .... happy ... hahahahhahaha, thanks so hahahahahah much. I'm looking forward to bringing my hahahahahahah cheerful personality to bear hahahahahah upon the team and spread joy everywhere hahahahah.

Daniel
 
To: Horner, Christian
From: Alonso, Fernando

¡Hola!

Want me to drive for Red Bull? Here are my credentials:

CTA.webp


Fernando.
 
To: Alonso, Fernando
From: Horner, Christian

Hello Fernando.

6 tenths? Ask any woman and she will tell you 6 is just average, at best!
We at RBR require above average.

Come back to me once you've grown a bit.

Regards

Christian Horner.
 
Last edited:
To: Ricciardo, Daniel
From: Horner, Christian

Danny,

Yeah, no, erm... welcome to Red Bull! You will have a great time here at the pedantically supervised all-fun party team of F1. We would like you to be successful, and as you remember we asked all Red Bull Junior drivers to choose an F1 hero to emulate.

Seb chose Schumacher, but admitted defeat when he won his first three titles consecutively. He did not seem to upset by his failue to emulate his hero and have 4 years pointlessly pissing around at Ferrari. Your attempt to emulate your hero Mansell by not being able to get your arse into a car is surely ripe for a pre-plotted failure too.

Oh, wait, our records say your hero is Webber. Perfect, just what we want!

The Boss
 
To: Horner, Christian
From: Ricciardo, Daniel

Christian,

Fuck off!

Australia's Finest. :p

P.S. This is spam, right..? It looks/reads like spam... Heroes. Yeah right! What'ya phishing for..?

P.P.S. Damn! Why am I replying to phishing spam..? :facepalm:
 
From: the Notepad of Ron Dennis, MTC
Draft to: C.Horner, Mateschitz's Fizzy Pop Racing Concern

Dear Christian,

Affirmative, negative...a short note to thank you for not assigning your second seat to a more capable biomaton. The previous encumbent, although gifted with (from the point-of-view of the McLaren Competitve Racing Car Construction Division) a sub-optimal record of maintaining a positive displacement from grid position, had a distressing tendency to be able to facilitate a subsequent momentum forwards during races, thereby frequently garnering additional silverware for your unnecessarily overburdened Trophy Cabinet. We at McLaren are moderately confident that your replacement biomaton will not be quite as efficacious at such endeavours, thereby at least providing a chink into which we may insert one or more of our Competitive Racing Vehicles from time to time.

On a further matter, do you not think it is time you returned my Adrian to me? Don't make me send biomaton no.1's reprehensible parent to your garage...

Cold regards,

His Ronship
 
To: Dennis, Ron
From: Horner, Christian

Ron,

Yeah, no, erm... I have had my concerns about such issues myself, regarding your "Competitive" Racing Vehicles getting between the glorious one-twos of the Red Bull team disco-team. Take this example:

CTA.webp


As you can see, there has been an unacceptable breach of the party HQ by a certain J. Button. We, at Red Bull, are looking to prevent this by hiring our own battery-farm school-of-dance raised number 2 equal number 1 drivers to prevent such breaches in future, without jeopardising our team harmony and either losing the constructors championship or getting thrown out of it because our drivers are too closely matched and one of them reports us to the FIA for handling stolen blueprints. Or something slightly less specific.

Yours,

Christian.

PS. Why are you threatening to send Seb's dad in, he's a lovely man. Oh, wait, do you mean the father of biomaton number 5? You should remember, Ron, there is only one:

600484_10151530444502877_1826774193_n.jpg
 
From: the notepad of R.Dennis, MTC
To: Martin Whitmarsh

Martin,

Do you remember when I commissioned the line in McLaren Flat Caps, when we first took the Virgin Racing Team under our collective wing?* I may have to concede the possibility that that particular decision may have wandered into the territory of "sub-optimal", possibly even "mildly ludicrous".

I expect them all to be consigned to the MTC heating furnaces before embarking for Singapore...

R.

*see thread "Inside the McLaren Technology Centre" sometime in 2011...:facepalm:
 
Last edited:
From: CTA member wishing to remain anonymous
To: Unknown web address

Thanks for your valuable email. I don't have PPI but I have a PP problem. :embarrassed:

Is Viagra the answer to my problem? Droopy was a cartoon dog, was it not? :ermmm:

Call me on 0908 555-919-999. I'd love to hear from you... :)

Cheers

CTA member.

P.S. You don't happen to know any members of my family from Nigeria, do you?
I was hoping to hear from them about an inheritance...
fingerscrossed.gif
 
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