ROOTERSPORT Issue 1 August 2011

Welcome to Rootersport News, a new initiative from our beloved Rooters News Group. We have launched this new comic following the recent disappointing read in the pages of our competition. We thought that it was high time we jumped onto the bandwagon to dish out some predictable drivel and show the tabloids how it should be done. The whole team (that's me backwards with an 'a' and a 't' in it) are so excited we can't possibly tell you how much! So, enjoy the first issue of Rootersport as it may well be the last!


Part One - Team Principles (if they have any) or Minion's Interviews - Tellie Fenderman interviews some of them

Red Booll - Christmas "Has Come Early" Horny

TF: "Last time out you came away with another one/two. Did that make you happy?"
CH: "Yes."
TF: "Monza is a very fast circuit with not as many twisty bits in it like Spa. Is there anything that you will be doing differently there?"
CH: "Not a lot."
TF: "Some people in the paddock are saying you've got both championships pretty well wrapped up. Do you agree with them or can you see a threat from any of the other teams, like McLawrence, Fewwawi or HRT?"
CH: "Yes ..... [:thinking:] ....... and ........ No."
TF: "Last question, if I may. What are your plans for next weekend?"
CH: "Win."

McLawrence - Marwash Whitmunch

TF "Marwash, you had a bum deal at Spa. Were you surprised that your blokes couldn't take advantage of Red Booll's stupidly excessive camber angles and the resultant tyre degradation that you should have been able to capitalise on especially as Lewisham was nearly as fast Fettle?"
MW: "Eh?"
TF: ".... bum deal ... Spa. ... surprised? ... camber angles, tyres, take advantage of, etc. ...?"
MW: "Our camber angles were pretty out there as well."
TF: What about the Kamikaze/Lewisham incident?
MW: " .... mumble ... should've .... brakes ... mutter ... novices .... same track ... shouldn't be .... hrumph."
TF: "But Lewisham said he was 100% to blame. You don't see it that way then?"
MW: "Lewisham is under team orders to flimflam the media. He meant to say that to Ted Kravitz but dropped a page of the script. By the time he picked it up Ted had gone to talk to someone else."
TF: "I must press you on this as the rest of the race was really quite tedious, what with all the overtaking and Red Booll winning, as usual, and all that, everyone has been talking about that incident ever since, so our readers really need to know what is the official view of the team?
MW: Generally speaking our view is rather limited to the main straight from the exit of the last turn to the entry of corner one. Everything else we view on the pathetic little monitors on pit wall and in the garage."
TF: "Thanks Marwash, and good luck."

Fewwawi - Stephen Demoncello

TF: "Steve. Can I call you Steve? Don't you think you should have done better at Spa?
SD: "No and No."
TF: "Monza this weekend is your home race. Is there anything you're going to do differently there?
SD: "Get home much earlier for tea."
TF: "Your two blokes, Ferrariando Notsoslow and Phillup The Messa are really effin fast on their day. Have they got round hairy things (often kicked for comedic effect) to give Red Booll and McLawrence a really hard time, and maybe come away with the spoils?
SD: "Noi preferiamo un coppio di trofei e casa carico di punti."
TF: "Grazie, il Capo di tutti Capo."

Tellie Fenderman. Rootersport.

Issue Two really will be every bit as interesting

Rootersport (a division of Rooters If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them, News Agency Thing)8-)
ROOTERSPORT Issue 2 September 2011

Welcome to issue two of our wonderful new comic. Following the staggering sales figures of our launch edition we decided to come back for more and sincerely hope that you will too! A full 25% of our readership told us that they liked our rag ("well, dropped their cursor on the like button, whether by accident or design, we don't care, we'll take any flattery wherever we can get it ... " Rooters boss, F . F. Fenderman III) . For this month's Monza Preview we thought we would skip the middle of the field and head straight for the back of the grid, as we think they will be quite interesting. So, dot, dot, dot, read on ...


Part Two - Team Princelings - Tellie Fenderman interviews more of them

HRT (Hopeful but Really Trying) - Călin Colesnic

TF: "Colon ... tee hee, chuckle, chuckle. Sorry, I'll start again ..." deep breath "Colon, your whole team of blokes have been working really hard to break out of the rear end. How do you think it's going?"
CC: "Iss zo 'ard, dis Foumyoular Whon. BUT!! Ve haff only jjjjust beegandt ower dominashun off da veerldt!"
TM: "Foarte gutte, şi.. ahem, coff, coff ... so how are the bunks in the camp, comfortable?"
CC: "Da."
TF: "Mulţumesc, Dl Colesnic."

Team Locust - Tan Sri Tony Frank Fernandes, CRB

TF: "Tan, mate.How's it going?"
TF: "Would you like to buy an airline? It's going cheap."
TF: "Is it a plane or is it a bird?"
TF: "Which 'TF' is this? Me or you?"
TF: "You, I think."
TF: Oh, okay, er, um ... no I don't want an airline. Thanks anyway."
TF: "Fancy a cuppa?"
TF: "Don't mind if I do ..."

Virgin (Mum Russia Virginal Racing) - John Boots

TF: "John. We've got Monza coming up, will your team finally be losing its virginity?"
JB: "Oh, I do hope so, it's getting so tiresome not being on the sexy end of the grid."
TF: "I'm sure your guys are very spunky but they don't seem to be getting the results. Why is this?"
JB: "I just don't think they are hard enough. We all really need to toughen up."
TF: "I see. And what about the racing?"
JB: "That's what I thought you were asking about."
TF: "Well, thanks John and best of British to you and the gals."

That's it for our ground-breaking Monza Preview. Next time we'll be catching up with everyone to see how they got on ... or didn't.

Yes, Issue Three really will be every bit as interesting as Issues One and Two.(Back issues can be ordered from Clip, so cheap we just can't put a price on them)

Rootersport (a division of Rooters If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them, News Agency Thing)8-)
ROOTERSPORT Issue 3 A bit more in September 2011

Welcome to issue three of our huge new loopapersource but not really since we can't be bothered to print it and distribute it to high street shops like WH Smith, who wouldn't waste space on their shelves with our rag anyway. This bit of this month's edition brings you our first ever Race Review. Yes, it was Monza ... and what a race it was. All the ingredients were in it! Drama, controversy, excrement , sorry, excitement and high jinx! Ace reporters Tellie Fenderman and Derrick Daily were there (although Derrick was in disguise, hanging out in the Stewards room and was subsequently misdiagnosed as one Derek Should Have Shafted Shumi' But Missed It Daly) cast their expert eyes over the key moments of the race.


Tellie Fenderman - As I Saw It

The red lights went out and they were off! Hurtling down to the first corner Liuzzu in his Hopeful but Really Trying overtook more cars than anyone ever has with the most monumental four-wheel drift I have ever seen. Just a shame he cocked up his braking for the entry to the first chicane. On the positive side he got rid of a lot of traffic that would have got in Veddle the Pedal's way later on in the race.

Then, in a master stroke, whilst all eyes were on the mayhem, Burned Maylandiftheundercarriagewillcomedown, sped from pit-lane and took the lead of the race. Holding off the competition, all was going well for the Merc' tin-top driver until he was inexplicably called in. Apparently, it's illegal to carry a passenger in Formula One and Rooters researchers are still trawling through the regulations to find where that has been written - for the sake of clarity, you understand.

With Burned effectively out of the race unless something else happened later on, which it didn't, Ferrariando Notsoslow in his Fewwawi took up the lead. Sebfinger Veddle, not one to take a restart lightly, sucked in the Fewwawi like a hoover on heat and took off down the start/finish straight in red hot pursuit. Meanwhile, Lewisham Hamburgerman in his McLawrence was having a kip. This gave Mercator Projected, arch villain Dick Dastardly (aka Mick Shoemaker) the opportunity to use his extra 15kph and non-existent rear wing advantage to slip gracefully past. Henceforth, for half the race, Dick (aka Mick) strove as hard as possible to coax the McLawrence driver into an embarrassing crash so that he would get, at the least a reprimand, and at best (if his dastardly plan had worked out) a stop go penalty. Hamburgerman would have none of it and steadfastly refused to crash into the Prussian.

Whilst all that was going on, Mark My Words Webbedfoot in one Red Booll, demonstrated the old American adage that "What goes around, comes around" and later a new one "comes to a complete and abrupt halt" (not quite the same ring to it, I know). Elsewhere on the track other stuff was going on, culminating in another stunning victory for Sebfinger Veddle and Red Booll. Hamburgerman's team-mate, Gentle Buttman, brought his McLawrence home in a fine, untarnished condition with perhaps just a little dust, ahead of the ever hard working Notsoslow to complete the podium. Having shaken of the Prussian Dastardly Mick, Lewisham was greatly relieved to finish, for a change.

So there we are. The important stuff as I saw it.

Tellie Fenderman. Rootersport.

Derrick Daily - As I Saw a Bit Of It and Missed The Rest of It Including The Best Bit

All was going really well as the herd of F1 wolves in sheep's clothing blasted off the starting grid with an earth shattering scream like a thousand screaming Banshee's into the first chicken, whereupon Liuzzu's bizarre impersonation of a ten pin bowling ball skittled half the pack and freaked everyone in the Stewards room right out. Finally, having viewed slow-mo, fast-mo, medium-mo and HD Ready TV extremeslomo replays the Stewards worked out the Liuzzu did something wrong. There was something else we looked at but I can't remember what that was.

The panel asked my opinion. I said "Who do you think I am, Derek Daly?"
"Yes," they said, in unison.

Sometime later they decided that they knew what to do about it and we emerged only to get caught by a shower of rain that, quite remarkably, tasted exactly like champaigne.

"Strange," I thought, "Isn't there a race on?"

Derrick Daily. Rootersport.

Issue Four really will be quite interesting. For sure.

Rootersport (a division of Rooters If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them, News Agency Thing)8-)
ROOTERSPORT Issue 4 - Still in September 2011 ..................................................Page 1

Welcome to issue four of our eponymous rag, Rootersport, the discerning motor sport aficionado's premier publication! Well it would be if it was any good but then that is not our mission. No! Our mission is to be the motor sport tabloids' tabloid. In that, we think we have succeeded. Yes, we have minimal content, barbed wit and little sense - the key ingredients that make the great British tabloid the brain-food for the masses. So ... what will you find on our breakfast plate in this part of the month? Well, I'll tell you. We've got some really dick-head headlines, maybe a link or two to something better than we can write, our feature race-preview article - this week it's Singapore Songsheet (you'll love the headline,perhaps, maybe, well we hope so ....) - and, wait for it, a new layout! Yes,we're going to have additional pages that just pop up out of nowhere when you least expect. That's the plan anyway. So ... dot,dot, dot ... read on ....


SINGAPORE SONGSHEET - THE SOUND OF MUSES - Tellie Fenderman has a look behind the scenes

As is our tradition here at Rootersport our preview avoids the mind-numbing banalities of asking drivers, mechanics and team managers questions we all know the answers to. However, so as not to leave you entirely in the dark we'll floodlight the answers you will read and hear in the rest of the media ...

Interviews - The Answers

Drivers: "Yes, we feel good this weekend. The car is okay. I'm okay. My mum's okay. Dad's in the hospitality tent with the grid girls so he's okay, too. For sure."

Team bosses except one: "The championship's dead but points mean prizes. Our drivers are okay, as are their mums, dads, sisters, brothers, daughters aunties, uncles and, apart from the ones who are dead, so are their grand-parents."

The other one: "Hah, hah, haha, haaaa!"

Engineers: "We've been working hard, as have our colleagues back in the factory, and we've brought some new parts to Singapore that should do us some good. If they don't that will be a bummer but stuff happens."

Singapoor Track Analysis

Some folk's may not know this, but I Tellie Fenderman laid a not inconsiderable amount of concrete in the apron at Gatwick Airport in one of it's numerous periods of expansion. I also had occasion to lay tarmacadam on a stretch of Her Majesty's highway. So, I vaguely remember a thing or two about road construction and thought I'd bring this to bear on F1's latest ruse for kerbing the enthusiasm of the racers. In an effort to deter drivers from deviating from the confines of the track, at Singapoor Road Surface paradise they have, laid in lovely shades of red and white, marvellously pretty temporary kerbs.

Back when the track was inaugurated I noted at the time that these things are more akin to road humps - or "sleeping policemen" as we call them here in Blighty. A year is a long time in motor racing, so of course since last years race weekend, our heroes have forgotten what happens when you drive your supercar (with next to zero ground clearance) over said humps. Added to the obviously destructive consequences to the exquisitely brittle carbon fibre aerodynamic portions of the chassis floor and diffusers, there is the tendency for the kerbs to provide a handy take off ramp when breached at speed. Lovely, expect flat boots and "big air" this weekend.

Oh, and I note that they are still using sub-standard superglue and pins to secure the aesthetically attractive devices to the road surface. We wonder whether a prediction thread is in order: "How Many Safety Cars for the Navvies to Repair the Bumps at Singapoor?"

On another subject

Who thinks that Singapoor's knadgery chicane should be there? Answers on a postcard to BBC Radio 5 Live. (Clue: Wattie doesn't like it).

On another different subject

Taking a leaf out of Lewis Hamilton's latest book we decided to comment on what we think about F1 night racing with the lights on. We said, " ........................... !" 8-)

ROOTERSPORT Issue 4 - Still in September 2011 ..................................................Page 2

KNACKERED KERBS AND KNADGERY CHICKEN - Tellie Fenderman has a look at a qualifying talking point or two

The kerbs and the Knadgery Chicken dominated qualifying today. Hopping the chicken, Kobaykamikaze leapt into the wall following a beautiful wheelie that would not have been out of place at Santa Pod. Trouble is this is Santa Tilke's Singapoor, and poor it is. Lewisham Hamburgerman spunked a set of super-softs picking up a puncture on one of the studs that are supposed to hold the temporary kerbs in place. Even the track has it in for him. Unbeleebabble!

In the commentary box David Cuddles Cool-to-hard leapt to the conclusion that said puncture was caused by Lewisham striking a wall. That reminded me of the commentary in FP2 (I think it was) when Buttman was stranded trying to engage reverse. They leapt to the conclusion that it was Hamburgerman despite Gentle Buttmans blue helmet gleaming in the warm glow of the un-environmentally sound, diesel generated floodlights. But then, Buttman can do no wrong since he is much beloved by Whitmunch (at least). Reasonable assumptions, then. Pah.

A few more of the chaps lost critical tenth's hopping the Knadgery Chicken.

Auntie Beeb's commentators then had apoplectic fits watching Lewisham trying to pass a recalcitrant slug in slow motion (Philitup Messiah) who later commented, "'ee's not theenking, again." Unfortunately for Messiah he is not driving very fast again so "theese eese bound to 'appen." Tough.

Editor's note: Tellie Fenderman has had enough Phillitup Messiah and would like to hear those who complain about Lewisham's gob give Messiah a goodly dose of the same. This is TF's personal opinion and in no way reflects the opinion of this publication nor any other peep known as Fenderman especially the Fenderman who created Rooters News, Rooting Today and Rootersport (even though that Fenderman admits that he is not a fan).

In Q3 McLawrence compounded Lewisham's misery by, at a crucial (to use a word favoured by many a commentator and abused by one Jonasgone Leg-End) moment forgetting how to refuel a motor car. Oh well, he's saved a set of super-softs, which is a good thing.

Fettle and Webbedfoot (hmm, a name for a 'good cop, bad cop' movie) pulled off another one-two and look set to lead tomorrow's procession. Nothing controversial or interesting there so readers can make up their own article and write it somewhere else, please. Buttman got grid slot three with Hamburgerman in fourth. Ferrariando Notsoslow and Phillup The Messiah complete the top six. The rest of the blokes are happily making up the numbers - pick a car, any car.

So expect fire-works tomorrow since it's night time and the folk's over there like that sort of thing. As for the race, pray for rain, expect safety cars and road crews aplenty as Charlie Whitebait struggles to keep the race going on a crumbling track.


Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)
ROOTERSPORT Issue 4 – September's Nearly Over 2011 ...............................................Page 3


Tellie Fenderman was there in front of his TV with a can or two of Scrumpy Jack. He has given this one a great deal of thought.

Loads to talk about since Sunday. What a race! Was this really Singapore, home of the redoubtable F1 procession? Yes it was, but behind the procession at the front all kinds of Hades broke out in the rest of the field.

Seb took off at the front, Buttman got a great start and slotted in behind him, albeit 9 seconds a lap slower (huh?), with super-starter Notslowatall in third. Lewisham demonstrated how to avoid an accident by lifting as the line he took to stab at Marko began to disappear (unfortunately, later demonstrating how to have that type of accident) and after half a lap of shuffling the pack the procession began with Messiah in fifth and Lewisham in sixth. All the other blokes dutifully followed in line a couple of seconds apart from each other, for a while.

On lap 9 Misled Ted came on air to tell us McLawrence strategy for Lewisham was to do a two stop and undercut Messiah. Methought, Lewisham's strategy would be to catch Messiah and overtake. Lap 10 Mark has his thoughts about Notslowatall and does the business. Ted missed that about to happen. How come? Fewwawi must have been weady for a pitstop because then we saw one. Lap 11, the TV director got fixated looking at a stationary Tim O'Glock (who's German not Irish, apparently). Lap 12, Messiah and Lewisham pit – two stop strategy? I don't think so.

Synchronised swimming from pit lane, Lewisham is in feisty mood. Steaming alongside Messiah for an overtake on the outside …. oops … a relatively light contact, broken McLawrence front wing and punctured Fewwawi rear right dooms Lewisham to the inevitable penalty and streams of condemnation on the airwaves and interweb that are bound to last for at least a fortnight. Maybe if Messiah had kept his pace up, turned in and clipped the apex, as no doubt Lewisham's instincts expected, just maybe that clash would never have happened. Anyway, Lewisham's error. He dutifully collected a new wing and got on with charging back up the field overtaking all the blokes he would later have to overtake all over again once having served his drive through. Who was to know it was a four stop and cruise through pit-lane strategy after all? Not Ted, anyway.

Meanwhile, Messiah dawdled around naturally consumed with rage thinking, “my race ees ruined,” or other such miserable, depressing thoughts. If not then I can't explain why he was so slow. A mountain will arise from this on-track molehill and it really will be tiresome. Correction ... has been tiresome ... already.

This phase reminded me that these guys make decisions in split seconds in a part of the mind known as the collective subconscious (according to Jung) or the Id (according to Freud). Conscious thought takes too long and the driver who drives only on that is a loser. The Boob commentators remarked upon Lewisham's lack of awareness of the extremities of his car. Considering none of the current crop can see the extremities of their car from the cockpit and only know when they've found them through contact with something else, I personally think that's crap. Although, I will admit, they sometimes forget.

A whole lot of other stuff went on as Seb Winfinger Veddle cruised on to another seamless and apparrently flawless victory. More of that at the end (where I should have put it anyway).

Highlight of the show (apart from the lovely gleaming paintwork illuminated by the warm glow of the un-environmentally sound, diesel generated floodlights and the post race firework show) was poor ol' Schumi launching himself off of the back end of poor young Perez into an undignified splat into the wall. Exciting to watch. Safety car. Then concern in pit lane, grandstands and sitting rooms as the medical car was dispatched. Phew. Mike's okay. Play resumed.

The kerbs seemed to have been taken care of and the blokes had got their heads and their cars round the Knadgery Chicken. Rooters should not make predictions.

Lewisham had pitted for a set of used reds and, for the third time, proceeded to chase and defeat a couple of the blokes all over again, finding himself in fifth.

So Buttman grabbed second, Webbedfoot in third and Neverasslowasthecompetitionwouldlikehimetobe came home in fourth. Then came Hamburgerman, rookie Paul Take a di Resta, Nick the Rosberg, and Adrian Subtle and The Messiah. One for the commies went to Surge On Perez. I told you who came home first and I'm saving that for the end. As I said I would. Okay?

There was a press conference but one felt that the sparks from the fireworks blasting over the podium celebration had set a fire somewhere else. Poor Phillitup.

The Messiah's little outburst later shows he's blissfully unaware that it takes two to tango. Other guys on Sunday knew they were slow and exhibited that not-so-forgotten 'art of co-operation in the contest' thereby living to fight another day.Unfortunately, Phillitup also doesn't know that it's bad idea to slap a black belt Karateka, not once but thrice. From behind, indeed! Good job Karate also teaches self control. Auntie Boob delighted in playing that back to help build their mountainlewis molehill.

Let me make this clear. Watching the post race forum on Auntie's Boob Channel, an interesting piece was played. Lewisham, preparing to take a drink received three hefty and clearly audible “pats” on the back from Phillitup followed by a garbled, sarcastic “well done … blah, blah”. Personally speaking, if someone smacked me three times from behind I'd have had a really hard time resisting punching the guy out. And I'm a diplomat. Lewisham resumed sipping water and waited for the somewhat surprised hack to repeat his question.The rattled Messiah melted back into the crowd. A sneak attack to make a Ninja proud. Not.

Anyhowsie. Here it comes. THE SOUND OF MUSES. as promised:

Dang dada dang-dang ~Dang~Dang~Dang. Dang dada dang-dang~Dang~Dang~Dang. Dang! Dang! Dang! Dang! Dang!


Gut gemacht, Seb Winfinger Veddle !!

Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)
ROOTERSPORT Issue No. 5 – Whoo hoo it's October 2011 ..........................................Page 1

Welcome to issue five of our eponymous rag, Rootersport, the discerning motor sport aficionado's premier publication! Well it would be if it was in print on glossy un-environmentally sound, non-biodegradable but nevertheless very attractive paper. This month we travel to Japan, to that legendary and punters favourite … Suzuka. What a treat we have in store for us. What with next to no straight bits for the DRS zone and lot's of tough braking areas to charge the KERS. Not forgetting Suzuka's own infamous Knadgery Chicken, scene of that unforgettable championship deciding, “If you try to pass, we will crash,” Senna/Prost moment. Tellie's going to watch it on telly, as always, so here's his preview ... dot,dot, dot ... read on ...


SUZUKA SERENADE - Tellie Fenderman has Great Expectations

I'm a bit of an old fart, if truth be known. Tilke tracks do nothing for me so Suzuka represents, to me, one of those rare treats. It's not only a driver's circuit, it's a punter's circuit. The only person I know personally who doesn't like Suzuka is a twat. His antagonism toward Suzuka is based solely on the basis that he has never successfully raced it on the Playstation, X Box or R Factor without crashing out at Spoon corner, 130R or the Knadgery Chicken – and that's on the 'easy' settings.

Anyhowsie, Suzuka's got everything - history, ambiance, a Ferris Wheel (Singapore didn't copy that for nothing) and lovely Japanese people to boot. Well, not to boot exactly … more like to talk to, look at and, if Geisha's are anything to go by, enjoy.

As is our custom at Rooters I'll not bore you with those predictable interviews of team managers, drivers and engineers. You'll find plenty of that in far less onerous rags than ours. NO! Once again we stoop to new levels to break new ground! In the following pages you will hear from the peep's on the sidelines, in the back seats of the hospitality suites and benches at the back of the garage.

Yes, I've been talking to the folk's who are only seen when the TV producer has an “I'm bored” moment and switches away from the action to cop a pretty face or stillborn hint at body language. Body lingo that is stifled because they are watching the same pictures we are and are suddenly faced with looking at themselves instead of the action WHICH IS WHAT THEY WANT TO BE WATCHING, NOT PICTURES OF THEMSELVES 'CAUSE THEY ALREADY KNOW WHAT THEY BLOOMIN' LOOK LIKE!!!!! … and not heard

Tellie Fenderman interviews Lewisham's very own Pussycat Dollygirl – and loves every minute

TF: “So, Pussy, can I call you Pussy?”
PD: Puuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”
TF: “How do you think Lewisham's going to get on in Japan?”
PD: “Puuurrrrrr, Japan, maeow, puurrrrr, hmmmaeow.”
TF: “That's a great Japanese accent you have there. Do you speak the lingo?”
PD: “Maeow~ow!”
TF: “Great. So, anyway, there's a lot of talk around the paddock and on the Interweb about Lewisham's state of mind. Opinion seems divided between those who think a) there's no problem {Marwash), b) heese lost it and doesn't youse heeese brayne (Messiah) and c) he needs more cuddles (everyone else). Which do you think it is?
PD: “Sssssssseeeeee”
TF: “Oh, okay. Well thanks Pussy. Rooters is obliged.”

There you have it, right from the horses mouth. Pussy was either really peed off with me for asking the question or she was plumping for option 'c) more cuddles'. Well, methinks that if Cuddles Cool-to-hard gets anywhere near him, Lewisham will get all the cuddles he'll ever need.

Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)

P.T.O (on page two, Tellie goes in search of a dad or two) ...
ROOTERSPORT Issue No. 5 – October – Yeah - 2011 ..........................................Page 2


SUZUKA SERENADE - Tellie Fenderman finds a dad

Personally, I'm getting fed up with what was once seen as the pinnacle of motorsport being turned into a fortnightly low rent bun-fight. What with journo's fixated on personality's who would be better off writing for grandma's gossip rag and punters who seem happy to want the sport dumbed down to some kind of bun-fighting spec formula, it's all too much. I just thank Brogan for creating Clip. Not that I'm a creationist you understand, but it has not escaped Rootersports attention that on Clip 'poster-extremis' is kept in check by effective moderation. That's why you won't find Rootersport on other forum shelves. Anyway, I digress.

So when I found John Buttman in the company of some delicious Japanese Geisha Grid Girls, I thought, “yeah, actually, this is what is great about F1!”

Prying his arms and legs away from the girls, metaphorically speaking of course, we grabbed a few moments for a chat.

TF: “So, John. Can I call you John? What about the contract, ey?”
JB: "Messup was just so slow. Caught Lew' out, that's all."
TF: "No, not contact, I said contract."
JB: “Oh, yeah! That! It's great news. Took a while to iron out the wrinkles ... we had it a month ago but mislaid it. Turned up in the wash. Bit of luck it's on high quality linen paper with indelible ink. Anyway, we've got it made now.”
TF: “Got it made? How's that?”
JB: “Gentle's locked McLawrence into a deal that effectively secures our future in F1 for the foreseeable. And, when he can't keep up with the new blood in a few years time he's set for a cushy number on pit-wall and in the media centre.”
TF: “So, what's in it for you?”
JB: “Hey, man! Look around!”
TF: “Oh, yeah. … Um, how's the wife?”
JB: “Oh, okay. Last time I looked, anyway.”
TF: “That's alright then. Well thanks JB. Nice talking to you. I'll let you get back to inducting the Grid Girls.”
JB: “Anytime, Tellie. Always a pleasure.”
TF: “Yes. So I see.”

SUZUKA SERENADE - Tellie Fenderman's tip for top entertainer this GP

Kamearly Kobibashi

Having failed miserably to get any more dads to talk to me, I thought I'd shine the spotlight on the guy whose Japanese Grand Prix is his home race. Yup, Kamearly Kobibashi. This guy showed some special mettle here last year. His brutal overtakes were greeted with enthusiastic cheers as most of his passes involved contact of one kind or another. Someone else doing that sort of thing gets regularly castigated but Kamearly captured the imagination. After all it was Aggressivesuari whose defence was over-exuberant and Hidefelt who was most co-operative, jumping out of the way like a frightened rabbit.

This season Kobibashi's performances have been less enthralling but I suspect that the “home-race-is-worth-a-few-tenths” factor might just come into play. It'll be worth keeping an eye on the young shaver to see if his home-track knowledge once again freaks the opposition into submission. Either that or he will be the first to spring the dreaded safety car.


Tellie Fenderman reflects on what crap will creep into the coverage and threaten to overshadow the race weekend. You know, what new conspiracy will shake the sport and pre-occupy the Ruling Body and The Stew-hards?

Well the first mistake of the weekend has already been made. “Oh?” asks Charlie Whitebait, “Where do you want the DRS zone then?”. A faceless type replies, “I think detection in the 130R just before the Knadgery Chicken with activation down the main straight.” Doh!

You would be forgiven for thinking that F1 has never before been to Suzuka. Where have we seen classic overtakes here? I'll tell you. In, out or through Spoon Corner, into The Knadgery Chicken, but bravest of all through 130R. Occasionally we've seen pressure passes up through the esses and on very rare occasions in turns one and two. This weekend we may see overtakes in such classic places but, lo and behold, all will be undone. When the DRS is activated, the victims of the classic overtakes will flip their flaps and cruise back past their erstwhile oppressors as if they are on a stake-out drinking coffee and scoffing doughnuts.

Hmm. Easy? Maybe, maybe not. Keeping in the one-second window in dirty air round 130R with the front end going light might be tricky. Therein lies all hope for genuine racing in this one.

“Ah, but ...” I hear you say, “the smart play will be to save the pass for the DRS zone and nullify the retake!” I have a theory about that. It goes like this: If Winfinger, Nowayisheslowatallonso, Hamburgerman or Buttman grab pole and get off the line they will be gone. Long gone. Three laps in DRS is enabled and, for the rest of the first stint, any faster guys who were compromised in qualy' three or got a bad start and fell back a few places, will DRS themselves into the natural order of pace. Thereafter there will be a procession only upset by poor pit stop strategy, pit stop errors and/or the safety car.

Fans of the luckless will get the hump. Fans of the lucky will get smug and gloat. Next weeks forums will be full of the same old. “Your guy sucks, my guy is perfection.” “Your guy stuffed my guy. My guy's been shafted, again.” Inconsistent Stew-harding is still an issue. No it isn't. Yes it is. He's behind you! Oh no he isn't. That reminds me … pantomime season isn't all that far away. Has any body noticed that in pantomimes no-one shuts up and you never see a bloke in black with a blank whitewashed moosh painted like an unhappy smiley? What's that about?

Welcome to the good old, but recent, days. Mark my words with a Berol highlight pen. Preferably pink, yellow, or insipid blue, please.

Of course, I hope to be wrong and pleasantly surprised. Meanwhile, I am sharpening my pencil for Free Practice One which is just hours away. I will be listening for any hint of scandal ripe for embellishment and exaggeration. Can't wait.

Just hope I can cat-nap here and there so I've got some energy left for my Community Bloke job back in Kent, Blighty. Rootersport doesn't pay my rent.

Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)

Editors note: If Tellie Fenderman turns out to be a rent-boy, that will qualify as gross misconduct and we will have no compunction about relieving him of his duty.

Tellie Fenderman - Reporters note: Dear Editor, I thought you knew me better than that. Please can I have some money?

Editors note: One advantage of having followed F1 for so long is that I have learned a trick or two from Bernice Ecclesthump. So .... no.

P.T.O (on page three, Tellie reviews the practise sessions - if he hasn't resigned due to not being paid for his services, which, incidentally do not involve actions analogous to car 'a' crashing into the back of car 'b' ) ...
ROOTERSPORT Issue No. 5 – October – Yeah - 2011 ..........................................Page 3


SUZUKA SERENADE – Kobibashi's Party

Tellie Fenderman asks what crap carried on in The Boob coverage? Yup, Messup and Hamburgerman's contretemp two frickin' weeks ago. Oh, well.

Practise and Quali review

Well, well, well. Buttman looked like he was going to do the business. Dominated Free Practise and looked set for pole. Winfinger has a very strange alarm clock. His Red Booll was apparently set up to give him “a wake up call” and went off when he least expected it..

Kobibashi forgot that this was practise for a race and performed circus tricks for the crowd. His powersliding four wheel drift through 130R was the most impressive of the days stunts. Barrierchellio had a meaty mash up in Degner One as he practised balancing a wheel on the nose of his car. Cute. Or was that Bruno Sennasrelation? Kept falling asleep 'cos Radio 5Liveordead commentator's soporific ramblings and pre-occupation with the fastest lap, forgetting that it's the pattern of race-pace that matters, is way more effective than a bucketfull of Mogadons.

Other stuff happened. I have to leave that to other publications to talk about. I was asleep, again.:sleeping:


Q1 was interesting as Kobibashi's “home-race-is-worth-a-few-tenths” seemed to be working as predicted by yours truly and saw him safely into Q2. Later, he would make it into tenth. I caught up with ExtremeNinja who was very pleased, saying “GO-bayashi. Q3 in front of his home crowd. Love this guy!”

Highlight of Q2 was Marty Bundleof laffssometimes moaning about Red Booll using that “disgusting sound” in their engines and Dave Cool-to-hard explaining engine management. What an exciting session!

Q3 was bizarre. The top ten decided to have a kip. Slowly but surely they woke up and trundled out onto the track. Hamburgerman, Webbedfoot and The Prussian emerged with barely enough time to spare. Hamburgerman's engineers decided to confuse him some more just in case he carried on driving faster than Buttman. In the confusion, whilst prepping himself for his hot lap he was attacked from behind by Webbedfoot to his right and the Prussian to his left. Never before have we seen three abreast into Suzuka's Knadgery Chicken!. Eddie Jordanisacountryinthemiddleeast exclaimed “He only got turd. It should have been pole!”

Meanwhile we're all waiting for the penalty. It will be a pleasant surprise if we don't get one. Autosportcurrentbun, a dirisible tabloid at the best of times, clearly hopes to make this happen. Their headline said “Hamburgerman says The Prussian's move during qualifying was dangerous” in much bigger font size than this. Hamburgerman said no such thing. He said the incident was dangerous. Which it bloomin' well was. Oh well, economies of truth, eh?

So we have:

Winfinger where he usually is – how much luck can one guy have?

Buttman mere thousanths behind in second slot – McLawrence have yet to learn that trying to out Fewwawi in the "manipulate the order of your drivers" game is to the detriment of the whole not just the one.

Hamburgerman's excellent first run secured third slot since the other blokes were not good enough to beat that anyway. Whew.

Worryingly, Messup secured fourth. Will five red lights make him see too much red, knowing that Hamburgerman is just up ahead?

Notusuallyslowerthanmessup landed fifth. What? Not a lot of comment about that on The Boob. We find it remarkable.

Webbedfoot rescued his shot with that impressive dash through Hamburgerman and the Knadgery Chicken to claim sixth.

The Prussian, Sennasrelation, Petroloff and Kobibashi make up the rest of the top ten without posting times in Q3 having done okay in Q2, I guess.

As usual there are fourteen other blokes behind that lot. One bloke, Roshydraulicproblemberg is at the back Expect entertainment from him as he battles past the mobile chickens in his somewhat faster Mercantile Bendz.

Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)

P.T.O (on page four, Tellie reviews the The Race!) …

SUZUKA SERENADE – What's Up Now Doc? Kobibashi's Party, that's what!

Kamearly got a nice surprise after qualyfighting today. He has qualified in seventh on the grid. Rooters will be rooting for Kobibashi in the hope that our prediction that he will be interesting will come true and that our other prediction concerning the safety car will not.

Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)
ROOTERSPORT Issue No. 5 – October – Yeah - 2011 ..........................................Page 4

Editors note regarding the following advertisement: Rooters is skint so we have decided to accept an advertising deal with one Bernice Ecclesthump which should enable Rooters to continue to provide the dismal service to which you have all become accustomed. We apologise for any offence that these advertisments may cause. However, we hope that you enjoy them as a kind of interlude whilst you patiently await the next page of our eponymous rag. Thank you. Fenderman The Boss Editor Bloke8-)


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Rootersport 8-)
Dear Rooters Readers,

Sorry I haven't got around to writing the Suzuka Serenade Race Report yet. Other threads have been far too interesting and I find I have been unusually distracted.

I do hope y'all still love me.


Tellie Fenderman
Rooters News Group8-)
Rooting House
Rooters Lane
ROOTERSPORT Issue No. 5 – October – Yeah - 2011 ..........................................Page 4.5

ROOTERSPORT NEWS - SUZUKA REVIEW – Tellie Fenderman Tells all - well bits, actually


Well what can I say? The dust and marbles have well and truly settled in Suzuka. The motorhomes, tour buses and transporters have whisked the cars, garage equipment, drivers and their entourages to Korea.

Winfinger cruised (or did he?) to a podium place and the FIA F1 World Drivers' Championship title. Buttman smoothed his way to win the race and Forthelasttime Imtelling you Heaintslownowwayhose placed his Fewwawi firmly on the second spot in Parc Ferme. This much we now know even if we had not seen it with our own eyes.

Auntie Boob, however, did her usual tabloid job, which incidentally is my job as a cheap hack working for an even cheaper-skater-editor-in-chief-he-thinks-he-is-hack. “Wha'?” I hear you ask, “does TF mean by that?” Well I'll Tellie you.

Astute posters in that venerable medium, Clip The Apex, have noted that Auntie managed to miss Herr Shoemaker's Mercator Projectile being clipped by one errant Red Booll being ebulliently driven by Marko Webbedfoot. Interestingly, we were treated by the FOM to copious replays of the Hamburgerman/Messup incident during the inevitable safety car period.

Berndtoutexracedriver Maylandiftherunwayisclearenough hit the track in his super-tin-topped-Mercedes-pace-setting-safety-car to once again lead a Grand Prix, before, yet again, being inexplicably withdrawn, again. This happens because it is deemed to be rather unfair that a slow tin-top should even be allowed to enter an F1 race, let alone to take the lead and not even get a blue flag for the audacity - but we do get some entertainment out of him as he drifts through the corners and bounces scarily over the kerbs.

Anyway, Berndtoutexracedriver came out because there were shards of carbon fibre and wing endplates liberally scattered at turns seven (Dunlop) and sixteen (Suzuka's Knadgery Chicken). KekeTheKing, filed a report to Rooters International News Agency Agency, and thanks be to the 'Big Guy in Space If He Can Be Believed In' that Keke did, otherwise you might have thought that this piece is fictional! We at Rootersport feel it is only reasonable that his report is relayed in full since it was, well, ****ing good.

KekeTheKing told me “I was watching the Onboard Feed, and it was Live with Webbedfoot when he clipped The Prussian's left rear on the entry to Dunlop, and then steamed on through. This happened on Lap 21, BEFORE Hamburgerman and Messup came together mind you.”

Keke, glowing in a seething red colour, not out of place on an old fashioned two-bar electric fire, continued “So in the span of nearly five laps (two with Berndtoutexracedriver in the lead) following this incident; we saw no fewer than five replays of Hamburgerman/Messup, the Safety Car being deployed, and news of an investigation involving cars three and six. No news whatsoever of an even more egregious incident in which a position change actually took place. Then on Lap twenty-six we get a very brief replay of Webbedfoot hitting The Prussian, losing a large portion of his front wing, and The Prussian getting a bit out of shape. They couldn't even bother to show Marko completing the "maneuver". Both Bundleofnervesandexcitementinthecommentaryteam and Cool-to-hard were at a loss to explain when exactly this had happened, and who could blame them.”

Having got two paragraphs out before bursting a couple of vital blood vessels and therefore depleting oxygen to various vital organs, Keke breathed in and finished his report to me, saying “Seeing as this was viewed on the main Onboard Channel being broadcast throughout the globe, I find it inconceivable that this incident was handled in such a haphazard way. It was treated as a complete non-event while something that happened AFTER it was put on full display over and over while an investigation was launched.”

[Editors note: Keke's report is here: ]

Keke caught up with Josh who didn't see the problem and why anyone should find it at all remarkable. Josh told Keke “I think it's a bit strange, too, but to be fair, the safety car was out so that the marshals could collect the debris at the hairpin where they came together... It's not that strange to replay the cause of the safety car. It's certainly not as big an issue as you're making of it... In my opinion of course.”

So, why my accusation regarding tabloidism at Auntie Boob? Well they repeated the guff in the post-race forum, that's why, but where was the repetitive critique of Webbedfoot or the mind numbingly dull super-slo-mo replay, replay, replay of his CLUMSY overtake?

Now, me, as you know, I am a stirrer of conspiracy, misleading representation of real events into the fictional yet strangely similar to true life realms, do not see the situation as at all strange. It fits perfectly with the scenario that the FOM and FIA have been terrified by Hamburgerman ever since he arrived on the F1 scene. You see, when black guys move into the sport and start winning ... well ... think boxing, athletics, cricket, football …

They have no problem with Asians – Japanese, Indian or otherwise – as long as they under perform, but Hamburgerman does perform and he is a threat to the cosy pink (and I don't mean pink as in Gay) establishment. So he is the Devil Incarnate and it is essential, to them, that Hamburgerman's bad times dominate the negative press so that his morale is broken by the incessant badgering by the meeja and berating by the fans. They hope he goes to America to drive round in circles and leaves F1 one to the pink people.

Thankfully, there are honourable white people all over the place (the vast majority, I hasten to add) who do not believe in this crap and love to see Hamburgerman race against their own. This is why the pink people's plan is doomed to fail, as are all conspiracies once they are brought into the full light of day.

Next time I hear the question “Is it 'cos I is black?” I may not be so quick to say “No.” because someone in charge of what we see is being very selective about which replays we get and when we get them. Someone else on the inside is subtly trying to let the cat out of the bag by leaking in-car radio (“destroy his race”) and titbits of information to expose the ne'er do well. We at Rooters want more! We want to know who it is, because then we can heap ridicule and scorn upon this unprofessional disgrace to honourable pink people and put him in his pompously pink pinkie hole for perpetuity.

So, upsum, Suzuka Japan.
In the grand scheme of this season I, Fenderman, was not particularly enthralled. I cannot pick a “most entertaining driver of the weekend” although Buttman, for me, marginally made “Best driver of the weekend”.

Winfinger did battle with Heaintslow and Buttman and kept out of trouble thanks to Buttman's sensible reserve and ability to recognise when a gap ceases to exist more or less in time (wheels on the grass? Good job it was dry!). Sealed a worthy championship in no less worthy style regardless of not taking gold.

Kamearly came later having translated his lucky seventh into an unlucky but intact thirteenth. Didn't cause Berndtoutexracedriver to come out so Rootersport and me breathe sighs of relief that at least one of our nicer predictions came to pass.

The forums got their usual share of Hamburgerman dominated threads, counter-threads, posts and counter-posts thanks to meeja preoccupation.

and everone has been to bed and got up again quite a few times since then because I, Fenderman, couldn't keep up due to dog-sitting duties after work for the ex' who, incidentally, doesn't have the interweb for me to use in her house, so could only pop in briefly to read all the interesting stuff there is on Clip The Apex … and almost immediately will need to devote my attention to writing the ROOTERSPORT Issue No.6 - Killing in Korea Grand Prix Race Preview !!

Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 6 – Another Weekend in October – 2011 ..........................................Page 1


The WDC has been decided. Tellie Fenderman wants to know what to do now.

The constructors championship is up for grabs. Who will stop Winfinger and Webbedfoot from bringing Haydrain Knewhewouldwinsomemore's design team's creation the premier world title for racing motor car builders? Who will be the first of the F1 WDC losers club?

Having given this a great deal of thought, I decided that the best way to find an answer to my question, or at least informed opinion was to go and ask my mates down the pub. Now the pub I go to is a very special one. It's located in the ether. That nether world composed of one's and zero's. Yup, the interweb. Just a stones throw away from my fingertips, on the left in my bookmarks and favourites drop down menus lies the best pub I've ever had the pleasure to hang out in.

It's amazingly cheap as well. A night out in the traditional boozer can leave me shy of thirty or forty quid, depending on how many of my mates are in there. Nay, the pub I refer to is of course “The Famous Old Clip The Apex” owned and managed by a chap we call Bro' and staffed by a bunch of peep's who seem to have an eye for quality customers and swift admonishment and disposal of upstarts.

It is these hearty formula one enthusiasts to whom I turned for some insight into what will happen next in the 2011 edition of the FIA Formula One World Championship story. This is what some of them had to say.

Josh, enjoying a rather tasty looking traditional ploughman's lunch said, “Mumble, slurp, munch, munch. Anyway, burp, looking forward to this race, unfortunately I can't watch it until, like, hic, Thursday, so I'm going to have to avoid this site and any news sites like crazy. Hic.”

I found mjo, nonchalantly propping up the old jukebox. Good job too, otherwise it would have collapsed and that would have been somewhat uncomfortable for the Aged Hippy.

Hippy has a penchant for sitting on the floor with his head stuffed between the 15” Celestion 'speakers of the glorious Wurlitzer, resplendent in near original condition, dating back to 1967 and working as well as the day it left the factory. It is housed in a recess at the back of the saloon bar framed by wonderfully aged oak beams stained black, contrasting with the newly re-whitewashed back-wall. The small leaded window lets in a shaft of amber light from the street-lamp outside on the corner of the car-park, highlighting Hippy's forehead and occasionally causing him to blink.

Mjo broke my train of thought. “For once,” he said, “I think they've got the DRS zone absolutely right. We could have some good battles on the straights preceding and succeeding it. Also, it is not too long, and turn three is a good overtaking spot anyway.”
Yes,” I said. “Sounds reasonable.”

Meanwhile, Hippy, with a single deft, sweeping movement of his right leg nudged the Wurlitzer into rejecting a dire “drum 'n' bass” thing someone had dared to select having heard it on the Boob's Suzuka Forum. I seem to remember that it emanated from a Red Booll beat-box and that Eddie Jordan did one thing perfectly right when he relieved it of the CD on the premis that he was going interview Red Booll personnel. That's the first time I ever heard over two thousand people say “thank **** for that” in unison. In this pub, anyway.

The bar is a magnificent example of cabinet makers workmanship. Crafted from slabs of gorgeous red stained rosewood it is topped, unusually for a pub, with a beautifully dappled, bookmatched walnut top. Reflected in the glassy polished varnish you can see every detail of the black, ebony handled beer pump handles with their polished brass fittings, the quaint dimpled pint beer glasses and the accoutrements and knick-knacks of the punters. To the right of the optics is a small square window through which one can see the kitchen. Kamui-FastestChefInTheWorld rules in there.

Amid the myriad of voices I could hear Kamui-san dishing up another pub lunch for a deserving customer (more importantly, a paying one). “I would prefer to have the DRS between turns three and four. There'll be enough overtaking into turn three anyway.” he said. “Here's a thought ... why not have DRS at the start of a straight, and then stop it half way down? I think this would help them get close but not have a massive advantage into the braking zone. Just a thought... “ he muttered as he threw on an extra scoopful of chips … just for good measure.

Josephiah, having waited patiently for less time than a lap round Spa, gratefully relieved Kamui-san of the piping hot meal. “I'm only guessing,” Jo' interjected, “but I reckon that if you had it in the first half, the chasing driver would still have that extra momentum to catch up and overtake easily, even if you closed the wing halfway down.” He drifted in thought for a moment. “In any case,” he continued, “is the system designed with sufficient flexibility to allow a closing-the-wing signal to be sent at a certain point without involving the driver hitting the brakes?”

Did you want ketchup?” asked Kamui-san.

I grabbed my jug of Scrumpy Jack, “too deep for me,” I thought, and headed for the beer garden. I needed a fag. There I found a scene reminiscent of one of Her Majesty's garden parties. Dulcet tones of well groomed, suspiciously rich, well appointed, educated and most highly respected types permeated the air like an orchestral piece crafted by a denizen of classical composition. I rubbed my eyes. When I opened them again the scene had changed. “Ha!” I thought, “Good job I had that infra-red remote control implanted in my forehead.”

Normal, salt of the earth, genuine F1 fans and followers were sat in meaningful conversation under the now glowing light of a full moon. Jez 101 was saying,“Super softs in Korea... Wow. Quite a few quick corners so they may be very fast and very fragile.” Turning to look at me he asked, “What's the weather going to do, are we actually going to see these or will it be swan lake in Korea again?”

I didn't reply. Never been to Korea. Only seen it rain there once on TV and that was in last years F1 coverage.

LifeW12 burst into the conversation “I like this track for some reason, whether it's the fact it was new last year or not I'm not sure. The last part of the lap is trickier than it looks on paper, one corner flows into the next, off camber as well.”

Cool.” I thought as went off to find MCLS, “He's always good for a quote.”

The familiar sound of Sting's falsetto delivery of Roxanne floated in the ether from that wonderful Wurlitzer. I had to stop and listen from out here. That emotive sound as the ambient acoustics of the building and the crowd modify the sound before it gets out and reaches your ears. You know the one … when there's a kind of exaggerated reverb' and the bass thrumps from below your feet as the high notes seem to float overhead. Love it. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, next time you go to a gig, stop and listen to the music coming out from fifty feet away from the building. I don't know why that's magical but it is.

I found MCLS sipping a dry one back at the bar. “Once again I'm hopefully going to be fighting the sandman to be up for Friday practice.”

Hope you have better luck than last time.” I said.”Saw your race preview piece on Clip. You don't mind if I stick a link in Rootersport, do you? No point in reinventing the wheel. Know what I mean?”

I didn't wait for an answer. Here's the link:

Galahad's previewed the circuit so here's his:

I'm going for a powernap. FP1 in thirty minutes … :sleeping:

Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 6 – Another Weekend in October – 2011 ..........................................Page 2


Tellie Fenderman tried to stay awake for Free Practise Sessions One and Two. This is what he saw.

Tellie awoke to the swirling "Wheeoowie" engine noise Auntie Boob uses to introduce her show. Peeking blearily through barely opened eyelids he perceived the screen saver on his PC rolling round and round. Turning his sleepy headed attention to the TV across the room and tuning his ears into the dulcet tones of Crofty or the other one, his mind became aware of the fact that FP1 was underway. Struggling to find his optical mouse, hoping to spot the eerie red glow, he found it cuddled up in his sleeping bag as if it were a living, breathing mouse of the furry, squeaky variety. Of course, it isn't. Which is why it didn't respond to ridiculous coos of "here, mousy, mousy. where are you?"

Finally coming round to some sense of consciousness, Tellie sorted out his tech'. The Clip The Apex home page filled the monitor screen, handily left on when he had dropped off to sleep. "Next time I'll try nipple clamps on the eyelids. Matchsticks don't cut it." he thought. Clicking on the "Chat" tab, Tellie wanted to know who was on-line to hopefully converse with in a somehow vain attempt to make it through the night. Remembering he posted page one of issue six he thought "Ah, so I did something useful."

AlexM, MCLS and Andrea_Moda_Rules were on chat. Tellie would not be alone. All was not so good. MCLS had missed a lot of last week's action due to technical failure in his alarm clock. This week he stayed awake chugging coffee. Now Auntie Boob's technical problems threatened his enjoyment of FP1 and maybe FP2. Tellie went off in search of answers in the ether. After negotiating Auntie Boob's F1 web pages and links to tweetering Twitter feeds he found a solution and edited it into Rootersport Issue Six. It's on page one if the same problem arises again, dear reader.

Meanwhileness, back to the Chat room ... The three CTA pals tried to keep each other awake. Trouble was Mother Nature was having technical problems of her own. Rain again in Korea. Great. A few racing blokes dipped their full wet or inter boots onto the track, slipped and slid their way around and tippy toed back to the pits. Not a lot moved. Soporific mutterings from the commentary team sent us all to sleep. MCLS caved in, resisted, caved in, said goodnight a couple of times and disappeared from the conversation. Tellie thinks Andrea stayed up. Tellie didn't. Neither did he arise for FP2. He did arise for his community bloke job in the morning, went and did it and came back, eventually. "What happened to AlexM?" He wondered.

So, having watched the reruns on Red Button, what did Tellie make of Free Practise?

I saw just about everyone mistiming their braking for turn one. I saw Rossicrucianberg taking his wing off a Lotussy Renal minding its own business exiting the most dangerous pit exit on the calendar. At least, I think it was a Renal. It was only a matter of time for that one. it was just a question of who not when or if. Ah, now I remember, it was Algiesweari in his Tory Rossothing. Never mind it will be a Renal next time. Probably.

I saw more comedic spins in the last nine minutes of a session than I've ever seen before...

... and I saw that Lewisham is in good shape for a wet qualifying and race ... but will the pace be there in the dry?

Free Practise Three is an hour and fifty minutes away as I write, followed by Qualifighting . Will I make it this time? MotoGippy qualifighting at Phil's Island is on in the early hours too. Oh, hell. it's going to be a long night. Pray for the dry and some action. Nipple clamps are now firmly attached to eyelids :o . Kettle's on again :coffee: . Hang on in there chum, it will be worth it.:thinking:

Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 6 – Another Weekend in October – 2011..........................................Page 3


Tellie Fenderman tried to stay awake for Free Practise Session 3 and Qualifighting This is all he saw.

I need new nipple clamps. These didn't work. Sometime during the wait for FP3 to begin my eyelids fought their way free of my hastily arranged clamping system. Whatever had been replaying on Aunties Red Button had not been enough to hold my attention. Sleep closed in imperceptibly and I awoke shakily part way through Qualifighting. The nipple clamps were on the floor. They're now back on the nipples of the gorgeous redhead from whom I had deftly removed them and where they naturally belong. Don't ask me who she is, for she is a figment of my imagination much like the multiplicity of characters who inhabit the strange world of Fenderman. Since she doesn't exist, what the hell happened to my nipple clamps? Anyway, I digress.

So what did I see and what can I report? The Return of Hamburgerman. That's what! I thought I was still asleep, dreaming of what I wanted to see after the disappointment of Suzuka. I rubbed my eyes. I was awake. Lots of blokes drove their skins off but here was The Ham performing some of the finest demonstration laps we have witnessed. Oh, the difference track position and sensible timing makes.

Cooling down after securing pole the dry voice of his race engineer congratulated The Ham over the air waves. The Ham did not reply. He was in his own zone. He had shut out the world of crap that had been his season so far and was driving the car. Nothing else. Back in Parc Ferme, extricating himself slowly, deliberately from his cockpit, there was no standing on the top of the tub with arms raised. Helmet visor still shut he strode purposefully but at a slow steady pace to the weighing machine.

Later in front of the cameras with Winfinger to his left and Buttman to his right you would be forgiven for thinking that something else had happened. Sebby's expression exposed his disappointment with a mere second place for the race tomorrow. Buttman smiled, as usual, after all he hasn't scooped pole since he drove for Brawn so, for him third was good. I'll get back to these guys later.

Fewwawi are despondent. Their number one is once again number two in qualifighting with Messup securing a fine, under the circumstances fifth. NeverslowasIkeeptellingpeep's was slower than Messup, just like in Japan. Never mind, all things being equal (not) he will finish ahead in the race.

Webbedfoot resurged to grab fourth. That can't be bad. All the other blokes had a lot of fun and shuffled themselves around like a pack of cards and landed where they did regardless.

Interestingly though, there was another resurgence, that of Rosicrucianberg over The Prussian. Will this reversal of form over his team mate be reflected in the race? It will be interesting to see.

An incident in Qualy 3 – and Hamburgerman wasn't in it

Intriguingly, Winfinger saved himself a couple of tenths and a smidgin of tyre wear on the in – lap from his first run flyer and received no admonishment nor penalty. Time is of the essence in Q3 as demonstrated in Suzuka last week. A short cut is surely a short cut. Not that I am suggesting Sebby should be penalised but how come there isn't a set of those attractive red and white temporary barriers in there like the one at Monza's first corner chicken? That is a simple measure that ensures no advantage is gained by short-cutting knadgery chickens and it also ensures drivers are slowed so that they can take the proper care when returning to the track after an unplanned excursion.

In the press conference and later

The press conference was curious. I have been scouring the motor sport press to find out who died. The atmosphere was subdued to say the least. Questions short and answers flat and unemotional. Had that pole for Hamburgerman been so long in coming that its meaning and value was lost? Were Buttman and Winfinger still in a state of shock? After all, the meeja and interweb had tried to convince them that The Ham had been emotionally and intellectually destroyed. Had they not been paying attention to the alternative viewpoints and succumbed to the misconception that it was they who had caused his malaise?

Marwash Whitmunch was also subdued and was unconvincing in his interview with the Boob blokes. If there is evidence that he is in love with Buttman then this has to be added to the file. Muted and restrained, his smile looked like it was being forced to exist by the application of … hey, those are my … nipple clamps!

So, what does this mean for the race? Well Rootersport believes that the stage is set for some really high drama. These are the sub-plots that I for one will be watching:

Will Buttman get his perceived number one status back?

Winfinger didn't win in Suzuka and will want to win again for he is the champion and thinks that that means that he is the best. He will want to prove it and rub salt into the noses of his competition for the rest of the season.

Webbedfoot has nothing to lose but even more credibility. Beating the current champ' would be good for his soul.

Messup will want to stay ahead of Notslow and Notslow will want to win (as they all do in reality but they'll have to keep it on the black stuff and settle for what they get at the end).

The Prussian will want to pummel his team-mate who will want to hold onto his resurgent position.

Barry Cello will not want to play the blues in his Willums again and Maldonado will want to show that he can carve through a pack.

With two massive straights and super challenging turns, will the track throw in the curved balls to give us one of the best races of the year?

This may be the most tense starts of the season and, once again, I can't wait for the off. This time I predict it will be a good one!

Late news just in time for me to edit this page:

Winfinger's excursion and shortcut has been investigated by the Stewards. No advantage gained. No action. Ace reporter, Bro Brogan reports here:

Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 6 – Another Weekend in October – 2011 ..........................................Page 4


The WCC has been decided. Tellie Fenderman wants a break after a heavy weekend of late nights and even later deadlines

Strewth! I thought the Monaco Race weekend was heavy but this one takes the biscuit. Case-of Stoning clinches the MotoGippy title 'cause Hoarsethroat Lozengo had a no show and the points up for grabs in the rest of the Motogippy season aren't enough. MotoTooGippy and 125 title battles continue. Ex-MotoGippy racer, Carless Checkout cements the Global Superduperbike title he clinched last week, while other blokes in the lower categories seal theirs. Then there was the Formula Wonderful World Car Building Blokes title. So I'm knackered again. Take my apologies if this latest page of Rootersports makes even less sense than usual. Anyone who doesn't like it can buy Autosportcurrentbun instead. I don't mind. Really. I'm not proud.

Seb Winfinger Does the Killing – The Race

In fact if you want facts (and some faeces) get Autosportcurrentbun anyway. Here you just get stuff and some of it will be short.

Reversal of Fortunes

So, what happened? Well, Charlie Whitebait hit the red lights, turned them off and Hamburgerman headed off in the lead. Buttman was sucked back in the pack in an imitation of the card shuffling endured by Hamburgerman last week in Suzuka. Oh, the irony!

Oh how the remarkable twists and turns of F1 continue to bemuse. Last week we saw Buttman win in Japan after Hamburgerman was boxed in and lost places at the start. This week we have Lewisham coming home on the podium in second place after Gentle suffered a similarly ignominious start. Winfinger and Hamburgerman tussled, Winfinger won the tussle and went on to win the race. In another dose of irony The Prussian suffered the ignominy of being taken out 'Prussian In Singapoor' style by Vitalorgans Petrovovich. Remarkable. So remarkable that I just remarked on it.

Hamburgerman's Redemption Song

In the subdued confines of the post qualifighting press conference, Lewisham said he wanted to redeem himself in the race. He did not win but redemption was indeed his and a somewhat guarded smile has returned to his face. There was a lesson here for his opposition and it is an old one written in military handbooks the world over: Never under-estimate your enemy.

After a near season long battering in the meeja, Stewards room and on the interweb, Lewisham demonstrated that, given the equipment, he will remain a threat to anyone who thinks they are the best driver in Formula Wonderful. It is a reminder, also, that humans are only “The best” at given points in time and never, ever, forever. One's fortunes may dip with the burden of responsibility and the baggage of expectations bearing heavily on the shoulders. Fortune may recover when strength of character and determination casts off the baggage and the burden.Hamburgerman is on a rebound.

Historically, those who bounce back, do so stronger and more fiercely than ever … until age and entropy lead inexorably to the end of their story. Lewisham is young and I have no doubt that his story will be one of the great legends of history. I am old and most likely will not be around to read the epilogue, but I have been privileged to have witnessed the story so far and will thoroughly enjoy what is to come.

Stone me, that was sentimental wasn't it. It's been an emotional weekend. Come backs and new champions all over the place.


Formula Wonderful World Car Building Blokes Champions. Yup, with Webbedfoot's third place and Winfinger's win, Red Booll have sealed the title. Nuff sed! Rooters congratulates Red Booll on a dramatic and indisputable clinchment of Formula Wonderful's supreme fast car building blokes prize. Hard earned, hard won and well deserved. An exercise in World Domination from which we might all learn something.

Fewwawi Gobsmacked By Notsoslow Thinking About Stopping

OoohFernandoh Mightgoslow's delayed transmission to the whole wide world reaped guffaws from Auntie Boob's commentary team and gobsmacked the Fewwawi pitwall. OohFernandoh (sung in an Abba-esque Swedish kind of way). Having battled fiercely all day, first with team-mate Messup and then loads of other blokes he thought “Ah, y ahora este para jest un poco.” he said aloud “I give up.”

We were all amused and very grateful for a little levity to brighten up the day.LOL

More Dust Than a Dirt Track Derby and a Daft and Dangerous Pit Lane Exit

Formula One's governing bodyfat, via Race Control and the Stewards room have received a complaint from Fenderman representing Rootersport's International Fictional Team Managers and Drivers Association (RIFTMaDASS). The complaint calls upon the governing body to penalise one Humanity Tilky for actions that conspire to bring the sport into disrepute.

The Case:

At Sunday's Korean Grand Prix, Formula Wonderful race car drivers were forced to race on a building site in the middle of nowhere in front of a meagre crowd of onlookers. To compound the problem the race was held on a surface that had more dust than the volcanic island of 'Son of Krakatoa'. In addition, the pit lane exit located at the end of the main straight was such that a special instruction was required to warn drivers that they would be penalised for crossing into the run off area adjacent to turn one.

Since the design of the pit lane exit, first corner and run off area is so idiotic and even a rocket scientist with no expertise in race track design can see it is totally nuts, RIFTMaDASS believes that Humanity Tilky should face the full wrath of the Stewards and that any warnings, reprimands and penalties received by drivers should be redirected to Humanity Tilky for putting them in that position in the first place.

The Investigation

The incident will be investigated by the Steward's at the end of the season. The track design Steward's advisor for this event will be Teabagyokel.

Teabagyokel is the creator of the world famous Clip The Apex International Circuit and is regarded as a truly neutral observer where seriously stupid circuits like Tilky's are concerned. He will be fair. For sure.

Anyone doubting TBY's credentials need only visit his Threadsite:

Right, that's done and dusted. I'm off to bed.

Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 7 – Only This and One Other Weekend to go in October – 2011 - Space Filler Issue


Tellie Fenderman has been thinking about the revisions for the new 2012 Lewisham Hamburgerman

Speculation is rife following revelations that Hamburgerman is going to be revised for the 2012 FIA World Very Fast Blokes Championship. Following a torrid season of on-and-off-meeja action (as well as some on-track mishaps) Lewisham's dad has let it slip that there will be a revised and revitalised model for 2012.

Rootersport's Boobwatch was intrigued by Hamburgerman Snr's recent comments and hurried off to investigate. We can reveal that as I write, Lewisham's new parts are already undergoing wind-tunnel testing. In addition, all of the available computer technology is being employed in order to maximise Lewsham's chances for next season - including Computer Aided Design (CAD), Computational Fluid Dynamics (CFD), Temperamental Emotional Experiential Tactical Spacial Acuity (TEETSA) and Right Foot Hand Eye Left Right Brain Co-ordination (RFHLERBC) software.

Marwash Whitmunch, McLawrence manager bloke said when prodded, rather rudely in the back by yours truly, "Ouch, who the **** are you? Oh, Tellie, old chap. 'Tis you, how can I help?" Having broken the ice (and three vertebrae) I was able to elicit a little information from Marwash.

Apparently, the new Hamburgerman will be little changed with regard to car control and racing dexterity. However, by making weight savings elsewhere, he will have a new harder and thicker skin. whilst not confering any aerodynamic advantage - since he will sit in his usual place in the cockpit - this revision will increase Lewsham's resistance to external pressures exerted by press conferences, interweb forums and negative experiences in personal private life.

Other enhancements, some of which will be further developed throughout next season, will be the addition of: a) new bionic eyes located in the back of his head; b) Fillitup Messup detectors located at various locations on the 'droid's anatomy; c) Aggression and Assertion Filters (AAF's) allied to sensors that will detect "opening gaps"; d) Inhibition Filters (IF's) allied to sensors that will detect "closing gaps"; and f) Obligation Filters (OF's) to detect spurious messages such as "Buttman Is Faster Than You (BIFTY's), "Buttman must pit before you" (BMPBY's) and "You can't use the blue button until we tell you by which time it will be too late" (YCUTBBUWTYBWTIWBTL'S).

Commenting on Lewisham's chances next year with these upgrades, Marwash said, "Essentially Lewisham has all of the tools necessary to become a great multiple champion. These little tweaks should make all the difference. I have to say the team is grateful to Rootersport and members of Clip The Apex. Our spies (who are everywhere) picked up many very useful suggestions and inferences that have helped us to develop these new solutions."

Pressing Marwash further with regard to ensuring that the modifications to Lewisham remained with the sporting and technical regulations, he said "remarkably the regulations don't currently cover engineering the driver. Our only worry is that the Stewards and Charlie Whitebait make up new rules on the fly as they have done with Lewisham in the past. It will be very difficult to revise the enhancements once the season is underway. We'll cross those bridges as we come to them."

Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 8 – The Final Weekend in October – 2011..........................................Page 1


Tellie Fenderman is grateful that he will be watching from the comfort of his settee

This is Tellie Fenderman reporting from somewhere in Kent, England. Well, the F! Fastest Racing Blokes on the Planet circus is in India. It's a brand new venue for the World's premier motorsport and things are already looking a bit grim. The Buddh International Circuit looks good from a distance but we have the distinct impression that all is not so good viewed close up (more about that later). First ...

Brundleofindignity and Cool-to-hard to be incarcerated

The Indian people are an honourable yet cunning lot. They have taken a tactical approach to their hosting of a Grand Prix. First and foremost they have set about punishing the BBC for their selling out of Joe Public to Ruthless MurDoctorNo and Bernice Ecclesthump.

Cunningly they have arranged to confine Brundleofindignity and Cool-to-hard in a tiny cell rigged up with monitors and mini-cams with which to relay their commentary back to Auntie Boob and thus to us in Blighty.

Nice one. Take that, Auntie Boob!


Pirleli have become a talking point since there is a sign on the main straight with their name misspelt as Pirelli! Apparently Pirelli is Italian for Pirleli. Ha. Hah!

Pirleli have decided to provide the teams with Hard and Soft compound tyres with the harder tyre giving an estimated two-seconds a lap deficit to the soft option.. Excellent. There's a nice deterrent for three or four teams in Q3 to actually go out and post a time. Qualifighting will be exciting, won't it.

First Practice

First practise promises to be interesting. We fully expect Team BIEB to hit the track first. This is a new team that will only be running during periodic interruptions that are likely to occur throughout the weekend. Team Buddh India Electricity Board, hope to keep the power on but are fully aware that that is a vain hope in light of the vulnerability of the sub-station to terrorist attack:

A picture of the local electricity junction to the circuit...;)

Anyway, FP1 is four hours away as I write, so off for a quick :sleeping: cat-nap for me.


Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 8 – The Final Weekend in October – 2011 ..........................................Page 2


Tellie Fenderman was awake some of the time so he saw some of the stuff in FP1 and all of the stuff in FP2

Relatively speaking it was an eventful first practise to break in the new Buddh International Circuit in Greater Noidea, India.

The Circuit

The track is interesting in that it incorporates many of Humanity Tilky's hallmark signatures including his latest quirks seen at the Korean circuit. I refer of course to a version of the “dodgy pit lane exit” and the “passive dusting system”.

The DPLE is slightly less dodgy here, but if the near misses in FP2 are anything to go by it is likely to throw up some interesting conversation in the course of qualyfighting and the race,

Humanity has been very crafty with the PDS. Several Knadgery bits have been designed so that when cars leave and then return to the track they will bring back a substantial amount of dust onto the surface. In his audacious design Humanity has had the dust-bowls sprayed green to disguise them and to create the illusion of grass.

I caught up with humanity and asked him about the DPLE and PDS. He told me “Ja. Ist vas mein intention to create das ultimate challenchess fier deise pilots. Das DPLE ist to keep zem on their toesses, und der PDS ist to punish zem fier cutting der cornerss.”

But ...” I asked “... surely it is the guys behind who are going to get penalised by the dust?” To which he replied, “zey are all in it togesser! Zo, voe betide zem alles!”

Interestingly, the commentooters on Auntie Boob's Radio Fünf Live began to speculate about whether or not this is Tilky's finest track. They seem to have forgotten about Turkey.

Meanwhile, in the Fast Driver's Blokes secret bunker there are rumours that a file has been opened in anticipation of the end of season investigation into Tilky track designs This follows the controversy surrounding the Tilky designed DPLE at the Korean circuit.

Another thing

Not a lot of padding or tyre walls on the Armco's I noticed. This worries me as we have seen on many occasion that cars do traverse big run-off areas. Usually, there is some nice padding to mitigate against disaster. Singapoor ini 2010, Hungary in 2009, Le Mans 24hrs 2011 … [Editor's note: this bit isn't meant to be funny]

The Action

The very fast blokes set out in FP1 with Farce India leading the way. Karun Chandhok, fittingly, was the first bloke to set an official time and the blokes very quickly found the dusty bits. By the end of the session Auntie Boob's producer was so fed up with it, he tried to ban the word “dust” from the broadcast. Aunties commentooters rebelled immediately and accelerated their discussion about dust.

Pastel Maladynado had a torrid time bumping into things and had to be recovered too often. Hamburgerman and Perezthemexicanbloke thought waved yellows didn't apply to them but were wrong.

Notsoslow was so slow he stopped but it was the Fewwawi engine giving up the ghost. Pastel's torrid time continued with his motor doping a fine impersonation of Old Smokey.

Hamburgerman was fastest in FP1 with Winfinger hot on his tail but with a three slot grid penalty he's given himself a lot of work to do on raceday. Winfinger briefly topped the timing sheets in FP2. However, as we all know it's FP3 and ultimately qualyfighting that sets the scene for the race.

Buttman and Webbedfoot cruised around not giving anything away. Messup posted some very fast times, including fastest in FP2, and looks to be aiming for hat-trick over team-mate Notsoslow. The Lotuses (for they are not Loti, since they are cars and not plants), Hormone Replacement Therapists and Virginal Racing teams practised being mobile chickens and will have perfected the techniques for qualyfighting and the race.

Yet again we sit in the edge of our seats in antici ….. pation.

Coming up on page three: INDIA … A TRACK IS BORNE – FP3 and Qualyfighting Review

Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)
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