ROOTERSPORT

ROOTERSPORT Issue 1 August 2011

Welcome to Rootersport News, a new initiative from our beloved Rooters News Group. We have launched this new comic following the recent disappointing read in the pages of our competition. We thought that it was high time we jumped onto the bandwagon to dish out some predictable drivel and show the tabloids how it should be done. The whole team (that's me backwards with an 'a' and a 't' in it) are so excited we can't possibly tell you how much! So, enjoy the first issue of Rootersport as it may well be the last!

ROOTERSPORT NEWS - MONZA PREVIEW

Part One - Team Principles (if they have any) or Minion's Interviews - Tellie Fenderman interviews some of them

Red Booll - Christmas "Has Come Early" Horny

TF: "Last time out you came away with another one/two. Did that make you happy?"
CH: "Yes."
TF: "Monza is a very fast circuit with not as many twisty bits in it like Spa. Is there anything that you will be doing differently there?"
CH: "Not a lot."
TF: "Some people in the paddock are saying you've got both championships pretty well wrapped up. Do you agree with them or can you see a threat from any of the other teams, like McLawrence, Fewwawi or HRT?"
CH: "Yes ..... [] ....... and ........ No."
TF: "Last question, if I may. What are your plans for next weekend?"
CH: "Win."

McLawrence - Marwash Whitmunch


TF "Marwash, you had a bum deal at Spa. Were you surprised that your blokes couldn't take advantage of Red Booll's stupidly excessive camber angles and the resultant tyre degradation that you should have been able to capitalise on especially as Lewisham was nearly as fast Fettle?"
MW: "Eh?"
TF: ".... bum deal ... Spa. ... surprised? ... camber angles, tyres, take advantage of, etc. ...?"
MW: "Our camber angles were pretty out there as well."
TF: What about the Kamikaze/Lewisham incident?
MW: " .... mumble ... should've .... brakes ... mutter ... novices .... same track ... shouldn't be .... hrumph."
TF: "But Lewisham said he was 100% to blame. You don't see it that way then?"
MW: "Lewisham is under team orders to flimflam the media. He meant to say that to Ted Kravitz but dropped a page of the script. By the time he picked it up Ted had gone to talk to someone else."
TF: "I must press you on this as the rest of the race was really quite tedious, what with all the overtaking and Red Booll winning, as usual, and all that, everyone has been talking about that incident ever since, so our readers really need to know what is the official view of the team?
MW: Generally speaking our view is rather limited to the main straight from the exit of the last turn to the entry of corner one. Everything else we view on the pathetic little monitors on pit wall and in the garage."
TF: "Thanks Marwash, and good luck."

Fewwawi - Stephen Demoncello

TF: "Steve. Can I call you Steve? Don't you think you should have done better at Spa?
SD: "No and No."
TF: "Monza this weekend is your home race. Is there anything you're going to do differently there?
SD: "Get home much earlier for tea."
TF: "Your two blokes, Ferrariando Notsoslow and Phillup The Messa are really effin fast on their day. Have they got round hairy things (often kicked for comedic effect) to give Red Booll and McLawrence a really hard time, and maybe come away with the spoils?
SD: "Noi preferiamo un coppio di trofei e casa carico di punti."
TF: "Grazie, il Capo di tutti Capo."

Tellie Fenderman. Rootersport.


Issue Two really will be every bit as interesting

Rootersport (a division of Rooters If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them, News Agency Thing)

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

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A ROOTERSPORT NEWS Unusual Kind of Race Review in May 2013​

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Editorial

It is often said that a picture can speak a thousand words, or words to that effect. Funnily enough so can statistics. In fact, statistics not only paint a thousand pictures they can be interpreted and reinterpreted in a myriad of ways just like pictures. Now Rad Booton (Rootersports lead reporter) could attempt to write a review about the Worlds Fastest Blokes and Worlds Fastest Race Car Building Blokes championship race that took place in Espania the other weekend. Unfortunately, apart from moans and groans about crap tyres, punctures, delamination and deflated fans, there wasn't much that caught his eye (creative writingly speaking). However, in cases like these we have a resident statistician who readily steals information from the Wikkapeedja and the statistics section of Clip The Apes.

We don't normally mention her name but we will break from tyradition just so's you know that Fenderman's head has a feminine side (usually only used to get Fenderman and his head inhabitants out of bother using cunning, guile and communication skills rather than good old fashioned male attributes such as aggression and wanton violence). Since we are about to give her promotion we thought it timely to introduce you to her via her first public contribution to Rootersport and Clip The Apes. Here is her first piece.

Tellie Fenderman, Editor in Headscarf. Rootersport.

Roll On The New Formula For 2014 Onward

Maybe this should be in print somewhere else but I can't help thinking that two years of dodgy tyres have contributed to F1 being dumbed down. These are some statistics for the Circuito del Catálogo De Los Menos, which is lest we forget, one of the two key pre-season testing tracks.

It is my opinion that the cars and drivers are capable of considerably more pace than we are allowed to witness. This may or may not be a bad thing, especially if we want to keep our pilots safe, warm and cuddly in their cock-pits. Oh, while I think of it, that's fortunate that that little area of the car is named after a male portion of the anatomy, isn't it. Oops. I digress, but I've been told that it's okay to do that in Rootersport reports. For obvious reasons, apparently.

Anyway, when one considers the investment the teams make in terms of material, financial and human resources it seems that, for the past three years at least, they may as well have been running their 2009 or 2010 cars. That would have been a very effective way of saving money. Coincidentally, in the last three years of my employment all of our salaries were frozen to help save a business that went belly up anyway but that's another story for the non-fiction threads if Fenderman ever wants to own up to being in such a parlous situation. Recessions sure are strange.

So, although readers are unfamiliar with my work I have been given the opportunity to present some short, sharp statistics to demonstrate how Formula Wonderful has been slowed down and is firmly off the Premier Class in Motor Sport Perch. If anyone wants to cut and paste this info' into a serious discussion thread , please feel free to do so. All we ask at Rootersport is that a link to our humble publication is included so as to credit my work. Just as an aside I have included the figures for the 2006 race which was the last race prior to the bastardisation of modification of the final turn leading onto that marvellously long straight where Nigella Manliness and Ayrton Senna (who's very late and respected indeed so don't expect me to take the piss out of his name). drove boot to boot in that fantastic squabble for the first corner ... ah but that's another slice of history ...

So here it is. Who needs chapter and verse? Who needs a painting the size of the Sistine Chapel? It's ...

... The Spanish Grand Prix - a Recent History - In Stat's ...​

2013
Pole: Nico Rosberg, Mercedes - 1:20.718
Fastest lap: Esteban Gutiérrez - Sauber-Ferrari - 1:26.217 (lap 56)
Winner: Fernando Alonso - race time: 1:39:16.596
Lapped everyone up to and including Daniel Ricciardo in 10th.
Weather: Sunny

2012
Pole: Pastor Maldonado - Williams-Renault - 1:22.285
Fastest lap Romain Grosjean - Lotus-Renault - 1:26.250 (lap 53)
Winner Pastor Maldonado - Williams-Renault - 1:39:09.145
Lapped everyone up to and including Nico Hulkenberg in 10th.
Weather: Partially cloudy, dry – air temperature 22 °C (72 °F) track temperature 35 °C (95°F), 6 °C (11 °F).

2011
Pole: Mark Webber - Red Bull-Renault - 1:20.981
Fastest lap: Lewis Hamilton - McLaren-Mercedes -1:26.727 (lap 52)
Winner: Sebastian Vettel - Red Bull-Renault – 1:39:03.301
Lapped everyone up to and including Alonso in 5th.
Weather: Mainly sunny,Fine and Dry, Air Temp 27 °C (81 °F), Track Temp 33 °C (91 °F) to 44 °C (111 °F)

2010
Pole: Mark Webber - Red Bull-Renault - 1:19.995
Fastest lap: Lewis Hamilton - McLaren-Mercedes - 1:24.357 (lap 59)
Winner: Mark Webber - Red Bull-Renault - 1:35:44.101
Lapped everyone up to and including Rubens Barrichello in 9th.
Weather: Mainly cloudy, dry

2009*
Pole: Jenson Button, Brawn-Mercedes - 1:20.527
Fastest lap: Rubens Barrichello, Brawn-Mercedes - 1:22.762(lap 28)
Winner: Jenson Button, Brawn-Mercedes - 1:37:19.202
Lapped everyone up to and including Lewis Hamilton in 9th.
Total race time included 4 lap Safety Car period
Weather: Warm, Sunny

2008
Pole: Kimi Räikkönen, Ferrari - 1:21.813
Fastest lap: Kimi Räikkönen - 1:21.670 (lap 46)
Winner: Kimi Räikkönen - 1:38:19.051
Lapped everyone up to and including 10th placed G Fisichella
Total race time included 4 lap Safety Car period
Weather: Sunny - air temperature 23 °C (73 °F), track temperature 38 °C (100 °F)

2007
Pole: Felipe Massa, Ferrari - 1:21.421
Fastest lap: Felipe Massa - 1:22.680 (lap 14)
Winner: Felipe Massa - 1:31:36.230**
Lapped everyone up to and including Takumo Sato in 8th.
Weather: Sunny and warm

Notes:
*Refuelling ban invoked for 2010 onward.
** 2007 First start aborted when Jarno Trulli (Toyota) stalled on grid, causing 2nd formation lap and race reduced to 65 laps.

Finally, just for laff's, 2006 Last season of before the rubbish track modification to the last corner

Pole: Fernando Alonso, Renault - 1:14.648
Fastest lap: Felipe Massa - 1:16.648 (lap 42)
Winner: Fernando Alonso - 1:26:21.759
Lapped everyone up to and including Mark Webber in 9th.

I know my conclusions, now draw your own ...

Mzzzz X, Senior Statistics Thief Analyst, Rootersport (a division of RooterNation Enterprises incorporating Rooters News, Rooters World, Rooting Today and a whole load of other stuff made up as we go along)

Editors Note: We have intentionally used the names of real people and real teams in the presentation of these statistics. No offense is meant to any of them whether they are indeed real or, if indeed, they may happen to be fictional and figments of their own imaginations in much the same way as the entire core staff team at Rooters News, Rootersport, Rooting Today, Badgers Today and any other of our affliates. Thanks a bunch. Tellie.​

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

A ROOTERSPORT NEWS Unusual Kind of Race Review in May 2013​

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The Grand Prix de Monaco held on the Circuit de Monaco Monte Carlo​

Editorial

Well, well, well. The Monaco Grand Prix. It is perhaps the most marmite race on the World's Fastest Blokes and World's Bestest Race Car Builders Championships calendar. To many it is just a procession with the finishing order sorted in the qualyfighting. To others it is a competition to see which driver and car combo's can survive the race to finish at all. The former group watch it anyway and profess not to enjoy it and the latter group can't take their eyes off of it. We in the meeja have to enjoy it regardless. Personally, I do as do most of the inhabitants of my head.

Monaco has an atmosphere and ambiance unlike any other race. It is steeped in history and mystique. The race is not about man against man or team against team. It is more a race of man and machine versus the track. Formula Wonderful (F1) race cars have long eclipsed the capacity of the narrow, armco lined, street circuit. It has always been a challenge for the fastest cars in motor sport but these days the skill in winning it is, as the legendary three times Monaco winner Jackie Stewart once said, “to win it as slowly as possible”. On Sunday Nicorette Rosicrucianberg did just that. Our newest front line reporter, Mzzzz X (whose name remains a secret for security reasons, ours not hers) brings another of her unusual statistical race reports. Enjoy.

Tellie Fenderman, Editor in Headscarf. Rootersport.

The Monaco Grand Prix - a Recent History

When I read Fenderman's editorial I knee jerked. Who put the word “her” in”another”. It never ceases to amaze me how deeply sexism is ingrained in the English language. My apologies, I digress but I couldn't let that pass without comment.

Anyway, I realised on Sunday that Nicorette Rosicrucionberg has finally laid to rest the idea that he will never be an F1 great. He won the Monaco Grand Prix very slowly which by Jackie Stewart's high standards, was a sign of greatness. Interestingly, Fettlespeltvettel could not resist pumping in the fastest race lap in the death throes of the race. I asked myself "was that sensible?" and what will the comparative statistics tell me about what I just saw.

Talking about what I just saw, Tellie didn't mention another group of Formula wonderful fans. They are the ones who totally and utterly detest Monaco because they are fixated with superstar drivers and have only a superficial interest in the complexity of the competition behind the scenes including the technical challenges. This bunch would happily see F1 become a “spec' series” so that it is absolutely equal and fair for the drivers. For that group if their favourite driver does badly then the disappointment is palpable and everyone in close proximity will suffer the consequences. Thankfully, none of these people inhabit Clip The Apes or read Rooters. Phew.

Oh, so, yes, the race. Well a lot happened, actually. The sensible newbies survived and the silly ones didn't, although one could hardly call them all newbies. It's just they looked like they were all newbies. Hints of what was to come were liberally spread all over in practice and qualyfighting. The crashes for Massagedneck, Perezoomingtoomuch and Grossjeans seemed the most indicative. Massage's crashes on Saturday and Sunday were almost identical and now appear to be down to issues with his Fewwawi. However, Perezooma and Grossjeans demonstrated that they have never heard of Jackie Stewart. Either that or they just think he's an interfering little Scottish bloke who was lucky enough to win three World championships when F1 cars were slow and easy to drive. Like Morris Minors.

Ferrariando Notsoslow was slow. So slow that he drove a race in anonymity and once Massage was out I don't remember seeing much of a Fewwawi for the rest of the day. Hamburgerman spent the day driving slowly as well but played the first stint as a solid number two. Any debts owing to Rosicrucianberg are now paid up. Kimime Reckonhe'sreallybacknow drove a fine race in spite of being attacked by the loon Perezooma. Meanwhilst his team mate Grosjeans confirmed Fenderman's suspicions that he has an incurable mental deficit. Maybe he should take up drag racing or rallying. Personally, I would worry if he was driving on the same section of motorway as me. In fact I took the precaution of going home by boat, just in case.

Anyway, enough is enough. Slyboogy posted a decent upsum pf the race here @slyboogy's review

… so on to my comparative statistical thnigy. Here it is just so folk's can see if the season is going according to the Fix-It-Anyway-They-Can plan. As usual make of it what you will. Significant times are highlighted ion red.

The Grand Prix de Monaco held on the Circuit de Monaco Monte Carlo

Street circuit, 3.34 km (2.08 mi) in length and last modified in 2003. The scheduled distance is 78 laps equal to 260.52 km (162.24 mi) or 2 hours duration whichever comes first.

2013
78 laps, 260.52 km (162.24 mi)
Pole: Nico Rosberg Mercedes 1:13.876
Fastest lap: Sebastian Vettel Red Bull-Renault 1:16.577 on lap 77
Winner: Nico Rosberg Mercedes – Race time: 1:52:32.126 (2:17:52.056 minus 25:19.930 stoppage)

All finishers on lead lap
Up to and inc 16th Sergio Pérez McLaren-Mercedes DNF'd
Weather Sunny, dry.

2012
78 laps, 260.52 km (162.24 mi)
Pole: Mark Webber Red Bull-Renault 1:14.381
Fastest lap: Sergio Pérez Sauber-Ferrari 1:17.296 on lap 49
Winner: Mark Webber - 1:46:06.557
Lapped everyone up to and including Sergio Pérez Sauber-Ferrari 11th
Up to and including Jenson Button McLaren-Mercedes DNF'd.
Weather ?

2011
78 laps, 260.52 km (162.24 mi)
Pole: Sebastian Vettel Red Bull-Renault 1:13.556
Fastest lap: Mark Webber Red Bull-Renault 1:16.234 on lap 78
Winner: Sebastian Vettel - 2:09:38.373
Lapped everyone up to and including Adrian Sutil - Force India-Mercedes 7th
Weather Sunny, Fine and Dry Air Temp 24 °C (75 °F)[2]
Track Temp 44 °C (111 °F)[2]

Multiple safety cars and a red flag with something like a 20 minute or so delay before a restart for the last few laps. Total race time was probably around 1hr 50 min's.

2010
78 laps, 260.52 km (162.24 mi)
Pole: Mark Webber Red Bull-Renault 1:13.826
Fastest lap: Sebastian VettelRed Bull-Renault 1:15.192 on lap 71
Winner: Mark Webber 1:50:13.355
11 finishers on lead lap. 12 classified and including Vitaly Petrov
Renault DNF'd on lap 73
Weather Mainly cloudy, dry

2009*
78 laps, 260.52 km (162.24 mi)
Pole: Jenson Button Brawn-Mercedes 1:14.902
Fastest lap: Felipe Massa Ferrari 1:15.154 on lap 50
Winner: Jenson ButtonBrawn-Mercedes 1:40:44.282
Lapped everyone up to and including Timo Glock Toyota in 10th
Weather Sunny


2008
76 laps, 253.84 km (158.08 mi)
Pole: Felipe Massa Ferrari 1:15.787
Fastest lap: Kimi Räikkönen Ferrari 1:16.689 on lap 74
Winner: Lewis Hamilton McLaren-Mercedes 2:00:42.742
Lapped everyone up to and including - Fernando Alonso Renault 10th
Weather Wet, drying later.

2007
78 laps, 260.52 km (162.24 mi)
Pole: Fernando Alonso - McLaren-Mercedes 1:15.726
Fastest lap: Fernando Alonso: 1:15.284 on lap 44
Winner: Fernando Alonso: 1:40:29.329
Lapped everyone up to and including Giancarlo Fisichella Renault 4th
Weather Cloudy Air Temp 24-27oC Track Temp 33-42oC[1]

.. and as usual just for laff's but this time for no good reason at all … except for the 3rd quickest pole lap and the fastest lap in this 8 year summary ...

2006
Race distance/duration 78 laps, 260.52 km (162.24 mi)
Pole: Fernando Alonso - Renault: 01:13.962
Fastest lap: Michael Schumacher - Ferrari: 1:15.143 (lap 74)
Winner: Fernando Alonso 1:43:43.116
Lapped everyone up to and including Nick Heidfeld (BMW Sauber) in 7th.
Weather: Fine

Note: *Refuelling ban invoked for 2010 onward.

Mzzzz X, Senior Statistics Thief Analyst, Rootersport (a division of RooterNation Enterprises incorporating Rooters News, Rooters World, Rooting Today and a whole load of other stuff made up as we go along)

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Editors Note: We have intentionally used the names of real people and real teams in the presentation of these statistics. No offense is meant to any of them whether they are indeed real or, if indeed, they may happen to be fictional and figments of their own imaginations in much the same way as the entire core staff team at Rooters News, Rootersport, Rooting Today, Badgers Today and any other of our affliates. Thanks a bunch. Tellie.​

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

A ROOTERSPORT NEWS Unusual Kind of Race Driver Update June 2013​

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After The Grand Prix de Monaco held on the Circuit de Monaco Monte Carlo​

Editorial

Rumours of excessive Edam eating have reached the ears of Rootersport. Following a fairly anonymous drive at Monaco recently, Formula Wonderful new boy race car driver, Guileless Van Dent Der Mudguard is reported to have been consuming large amounts of the infamous Nederlander cheese. Our intrepid reporter RasputinLives reports …

Racing Driver Consumes Copious Amounts of Edam Cheese After Monaco Race Horror

Guileless Van Dent Der Mudguard had a steady Sunday drive to a creditable, for the Caterham-is-a-small-town-in-Surrey-and-no-longer-Lotus-Team, 15th place finish in Monaco the other day. However, he blighted his copy book by dodging work with the team last week to eat some of those great big red roundels of Edam cheese.

“Sure,” he said ,when I probed him about it in the nicest possible way. “I could be working with the tyres but I find that Edam is more round and reminiscent of the good old days when F1 had big fat tyres. Not only that I believe these Edam roundels have a lot more grip and durability than Pirellis. For sure.”

There is someone out there talking crap about every driver or sport star every day in the hope that some paper or internet site will pick up on it. They describe it as 'work'. We at Rooters think there seems to be more crap talked about Lewisham Hamburgerman because it is picked up more mainly because he has such a huge fat fan base.

I mean, I've been saying Guileless Van Dent Der Mudguard will never be a proper F1 driver whilst he keeps stuffing his face with Edam cheese and listening to that damn Nederlander folk music, but none of the main tabloids have printed any of it, so we have.

RasputinLives Spare Reporter, Rootersport (a division of RooterNation Enterprises incorporating Rooters News, Rooters World, Rooting Today and a whole load of other stuff made up as we go along)

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT
A ROOTERSPORT NEWS fillerJune 2013

Titbits of News Issue​

Great news today in Canadado a Grand Prix P1 coverage on the Beeb. We learned that Williams has a new CEO with shed loads of experience in the motor manufacturing arena. I'm especially gratified to learn about his experience churning out the lumbering 4x4 off-road thingy Land Rover (or is that Landrover, can never remember). With the need to jump high kerbs and cross grassy run-off so important in F1 these days, especially in Canadado, this can only be in the nick of time and welcome news to everyone.

P,S. No offense meant. Just kidding and wishing him all the best in the new job.

Rad Booton, Rovering Reporter, Rootersport (a division of RooterNation Enterprises incorporating Rooters News, Rooters World, Rooting Today and a whole load of other stuff made up as we go along)

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT
A ROOTERSPORT NEWS fillerJune 2013
Titbits of News Issue

Chrysanthemum Hornybloke tells Suziebiker Perry-is-a-wimps-version-of-cider that he is still angry about Test-gate. Fast becoming the whiniest git in Formula Wonderful, Hornybloke continues with his venomous assault on the Mercator Projected team. Clearly Red Booll are worried about a resurgent competitor to threaten RBR's dominance in F1. Regardless of how Mercator Projected have broken one set of testing rules, the fact that Pirlelli have been given permission to use F1 teams without any adequate rules in place for their tyre testing has thus far escaped Hornybloke's attention.

Well, tough titty Hornyman, nastiness has a habit of biting back. Whilst Rootersports bears allegiance to no-one, we have no reservations about stooping as low as possible in our pursuit of a story ... and a victim. So, every wing you bend, every clause you twist, we will be watching you. Every diffuser you blow, every plank you hinge, every rule you break, every move you make, we'll be ...
... persecuting you, buddy.


Rad Booton, Rovering Reporter, Rootersport (a division of RooterNation Enterprises incorporating Rooters News, Rooters World, Rooting Today and a whole load of other stuff made up as we go along)

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT
A ROOTERSPORT NEWS Issue in July 2013

The Grand Prix of Blighty held on the Circuit of Slicerstone
the kerbstone of Blightyish motor racing​

MAYHEM IN JUNE​

Editorial​

Now that all of the inhabitants of Fenderman's head have got over their post race hangover, we feel that we can attend to the important matter of bringing a review (of sorts) to you, our esteemed readership.​

Last weekend's Blighty GP was a remarkable and perhaps even historic event...​

… To begin with, thus far this season, we have seen the world's fastest blokes having to be slower than they want to be in order to manage their tyres. Following grumbles from the fans after Monarcho the blokes tried very hard to give everyone what they had been beying for all year – balls out, full on motor racing. So that was kind of “recently historic” as it had not really happened since Austin-not-the-car, in Texass, last season.​

Another interesting slice of history was the win for Mercator Projected at a Blighty GP since their heydays in the 1950's and in the hands of their Prussian Pilot, Nicorette Rosicrucianberg. ​

A less desirable slice of history was the post-Tyregate mayhem of the multitude of dramatically and catastrophically failing boots. Kimime Rightbackinit and Ferrariando Notslowbutslightyscared were the two luckiest blokes to go home instead of to hospital. Both narrowly escaped horrendous life-threatening consequences of the tyres exploding in the cars ahead of them. ​

How Fenderman has avoided gloating and saying things like “I told you so” and “That's what I've been talking about for eighteen fucking months” I don't know, and I am in his fucking head! In here it's been a scratched record. He thinks things like “one day there'll be a serious accident”, “Why don't they admit that artificially indurable tyres are a safety issue”, “blah, blah, fucking blah ...” ​

Just thank your lucky stars that Fenderman takes two days to carefully craft his big posts so as to avoid (if possible) causing offence. Otherwise Brogan would have to ban him and we, the less offensive types, in his head would not be able to entertain and inform you folks with this shit.​

Anyway, Slyboogy posted a decent upsum of the race but we won't print it here as a “Guest Writer Special” because our readership is more than capable of following this here link:http://cliptheapex.com/threads/2013...ying-race-discussion.6298/page-13#post-206544​

So onto the Blighty GP review which again comes from our resident stat's person Ms Xxxx​

Tellie Fenderman, Editot in Chief, Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interesting Irrational News Network, Allegedly, incorporating Badger's Today). ​

Please turn to page two for the:​

Blighty GP Shows Us What Happens When The Worlds fastest Blokes Try To Get The Most Out Of The Worlds Bestest Racing Cars: MAYFUCKINGHEM!!​

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

A ROOTERSPORT NEWS Issue in July 2013​

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The Grand Prix of Blighty held on the Circuit of Slicerstone​

the kerbstone of Blightyish motor racing​

Page Two​

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Blighty GP Shows Us What Happens When The Worlds fastest Blokes Try To Get The Most Out Of The Worlds Bestest Racing Cars: MAYFUCKINGHEM!!​

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First a word about the Sliverstone circuit as The track was modified for 2010 with an increase in length to 5.901 km (3.667 miles) and the loss of the classic “Bridge” section with a new knadgery section in its place. It's okay for some. Race distance is 52 laps which now equates to 306.747 km (190.604 miles). Therefore, for comparative purposes this stat's snapshot review will only go back four seasons. Still less work for me so that's great. ​

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As usual make of it what you will. Significant times are highlighted in red, fastest in bold and red.​

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The Blighty Grand Prix - a Recent History​

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The Grand Prix of Blighty held on the Circuit of Sliverstone Blighty​

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Lewisham Hamburgerman (Lewis Hamilton for short) punched in a mighty qualifying lap for this, his home race, notching fastest times in all three sectors. Even so this 1:29.607 was still only marginally faster than Sebastian Vettel's 1:29.615 from way back in 2010. This was possibly the first race of 2013 where the blokes have extracted everything from the current iterations of the World's fastest racing cars. Nevertheless fastest lap and shortest total race time still belongs to the 2010 season.​

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My conclusion? Going balls out the Formula is stuck at around 2010 performance levels after multi millions of Euro's worth of development and at least two near death experiences in the Blighty GP alone. Still I guess that's progress. At least the chaps can overtake each other these days. Hmm, I seem to remember 2010 wasn't too bad a year … but I'm just a stat's numpty so what do I know ... ​

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2013​

52 laps, 306.747 km (190.604 mi)​

Pole: Lewis Hamilton Mercedes 1:29.607​

Fastest lap: Mark Webber Red Bull-Renault 1:33.401 on lap 52​

Winner: Nico Rosberg Mercedes – Race time: 1:32:59.456​

Multiple safety car periods so everyone on lead lap aprt from four DNF's​

Weather: Sunny and hot.​

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2012​

52 laps, 306.747 km (190.604 mi)​

Pole: Fernando Alonso Ferrari 1:51.746​

Fastest lap: Kimi Raikkonen 1:34.661 on lap 50​

Winner: Mark Webber 1:25:11.288​

Lapped everyone up to and including Pastor Maldonado in 16th​

Weather Wet qualy' – Dry race​

Air Temp 20 °C (68 °F) Track Temp 31 °C (88 °F)​

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2011​

52 laps, 306.747 km (190.604 mi)​

Pole: Mark Webber 1:30.399​

Fastest lap: Fernando Alonso 1:34.908 on lap 41​

Winner: Fernando Alonso 1:28:41.194​

Lapped everyone up to and including Timo Glock in 16th​

Weather: Wet track at start; subsequently drying​

Air Temp 20 °C (68 °F) Track Temp 22 °C (72 °F)​

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2010​

52 laps, 306.747 km (190.604 mi)​

Pole: Sebastian vettel 1:29.615​

Fastest lap: Fernando Alonso 1:30.874 on lap 52​

Winner: Mark Webber 1:24:38.200​

Lapped everyone up to and including Jarno Trulli in 16th​

Weather Mainly sunny​

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.. and nothing just for laff's this time​

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Mzzzz X, Senior Statistics Thief Analyst, Rootersport (a division of RooterNation Enterprises incorporating Rooters News, Rooters World, Rooting Today and a whole load of other stuff made up as we go along) ​

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Editors Note: We have intentionally used the names of real people and real teams in the presentation of these statistics. No offense is meant to any of them whether they are indeed real or, if indeed, they may happen to be fictional and figments of their own imaginations in much the same way as the entire core staff team at Rooters News, Rootersport, Rooting Today, Badgers Today and any other of our affliates. Thanks a bunch. Tellie.​

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[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

A ROOTERSPORT NEWS fillerJuly 2013​

Titbits of News Issue​

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Our good old mate Scrab's tweeted a wee titbit yesterday. Apparently, there will be tweaks to the 2014 Formula Wonderful (F1) car beaks, he tweeted. Coincidentally, when I was preparing "Rad's Notepad" following the Prussian Grand Prix (coming soon to a thread near you) I spotted a heavily disguised race car with a new nose indeed.​

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There is soon to be a secret private public YDT tyre test where everyone and his mother, except of course arch criminal cheating blighters Mercator Projected, will try to get to grips with Pirlelli's new boots. The significance of the test cannot be understated since Mercator have just not been punished enough for trying to help Pirllelli fix the horribly degenerative round rubber things that the fast blokes rely on to stick to the race track.​

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It didn't escape anyone's attention at Sliverstone that the Test-gate test was an obvious failure, since, we hear this week, that nineteen of the twenty two cars had evidence of fucked up boots by the end of the race. And we won't even mention the catastrophic boot failure in practice and four more abjectly catastrophic boot failures, and two slo-mo deflations, in the race. Oops, sorry, just did.​

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Anyway back to this mysterious car seen gearing up for a new secret private public test. I managed to snap a piccy and I've pasted Scrab's tweet beneath it. Is this a sign of "Things to Come" (which was a great Blighty made, 1936 Sci Fi movie starring Ray-band-mondo Massively. If you haven't seen it, you should)?​

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Secret private public YDT test sneaky preview shot:​

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Rad Booton, Rovering Reporter, Rootersport (a division of RooterNation Enterprises incorporating Rooters News, Rooters World, Rooting Today and a whole load of other stuff made up as we go along) ​

 

[Fenderman]

 

[Fenderman]

September 2013 Issue

Formula Wonderful Grand Prix Review – Page Two
Singapoor-er or Singasurprise Special Feature
Clip The Apes Members Split Over Singapoor-er​

Members were heavily divided over this year's Gippy at Singapoor-er. Our intrepid statistician, Ms XXX went to find out why...

In the “CTA Singapore Grand Prix 2013 out of 10” ( http://cliptheapex.com/threads/2013-singapore-grand-prix-out-of-10.6476/ ) poll the race got a lowly 3 out of 10 and a

from Fenderman. However, as I found out, the most informed F1 followers and fans on the planet did not all agree.

teabagyokel posed the question, “Night of joy? After thinking about it for a bit TBY said he took a few positives from the race, saying “Positive number one, honestly, is the fact that those who watched this Grand Prix probably saw one of the greatest team/driver performances of all time.” After giving me a recap of the first laps of the race he summed up Fettlespeltvettel's drive, “An utterly incredible performance.“

Positive number two for Teabag was that “after the Safety Car period, the strategy became interesting, even if the leader was in a different race, with victory for Ferrariando Notsoslow in that particular battle.” Too true I thought. “Positive number three ….” he continued, “... is the huge stramasch in the top ten from Buttman and Ade Subtle for the last fifteen laps.”

But Teabag' did see a negative and summed it up in, as he put it, “in just eleven characters: Mark Webber [Marko Webbedfoot].” Read teabagyokel 's race summary here: http://cliptheapex.com/threads/2013-singapore-grand-prix-out-of-10.6476/#post-216710

I caught up with some of the other peeps on Clip …

F1Yorkshire told me “I thought it couldn't get worse after Spank and Monzaah but proved wrong here. Only the racing at the end saved the race from minimum points but that racing itself was artificial due to the difference in tyre wear.”

Bill Boddy suffered more than most it seems. “Without the live timing there would have been little to watch.” he said. “To make it worse ...” Bill continued, “during qualifying I was watching via an Austrian satellite, listening to the live commentary on 5 Live Spurts Extra and keeping an eye on the live timing.” Pausing for thought Bill corrected himself,

“Actually, that is incorrect, the TV coverage should have been last on the list as it was around thirty seconds behind the other two. Then the radio, which kept on buggering off to the cricket forgot to come back for Q3, rather surreal in fact.”

I nodded furiously in sincere agreement. I had forgotten about that Aunty Booby cock up! “So …" said Bill, “I finished up listening to the Prussian version, must go back to that Prussian language training pack.”

Here's a spattering of what other well informed peeps had to say:

“Apart from the overtaking by Webbedfoot, Rosicrucianberg, and , Hamburgerman at the end of the race it would have been a boring race, hoping for better at the next race in Koreaagh.

“ Johnny Carwash

“It only rates that [a 5] for Kimi's brilliant rise to grab a podium, especially his great pass of Buttman near the end. I would give it a '1' for the rest of the race and a '0', if possible, for having to deploy (yet again) the safety car.” siffert_fan

“I've abstained." McZiderRed

Giving it a '6' RasputinLives said “Completely frustrated on how no one in the field can get their acts togeter other than Red Booll and Fettlespeltvettel. Yes great drives from Notsoslow and Kimime but if they'd had a decent qualifying maybe they'd have been in a position to challenge in the race. Not sure what was going on with Rosicrucianberg's pace at times and Lewisham seemed off his game. Add to that RoGro car woes and its no wonder it looks easy for Fettlespeltvettel. Maybe we should boo the rest of the field rather than Sebtheman. “

One of my favourite commentators, MCLS , gave it a score of 4, “... all of which for the last ten to fifteen laps.” He said.

Jos the Boss , scoring the race a six, told me “I liked the end, Lewisham on a charge, this time with Nicorette [Rosicrucianberg] and Marko [Webbedfoot] for company, shame we didn't get to see more of a Mercators duel, I thought Lewisham was quicker in the end stint. I also like the finish line fireworks.” Hear, hear on that one, methinks.

gethinceri scored it his usual ten out of ten because he loves this Formula Wonderful stuff so much that Ecclesthump could murder his pet badger and still take home a ten! “10, would have scored it higher if I could as Sir Tom [Jones, Welsh crooner par excellance] was there.” exclaimed Mac'.

cider_and_toast didn't see the full race coverage as, he says, “I was out with the family so had to suffer the Boob highlights for the first time in a while. I can't say if it's a valid 4 as I don't know how I would have felt watching the race live.” The same, methoughts.

So there we are. If nothing else every race, good or bad, gives us lots to debate about. Whether we like it or not our addiction has got us by the short and curly's. So much so that after having nothing to write about for so long Rootersports decided to write about that.

As Marki Webbedfoot might say “Strewth, cobber!”

Ms XXX, Investigative Statistical Reporter, Rootersport, A division of Rooters International News for The World Empire

 

[Fenderman]

 

[Fenderman]

 

[Fenderman]

Page two of this week's Rootersport features news of teabagyokel 's contribution to Fenderman's "Like" count! Thanks TBY from everyone in Fenderman's Head!!!

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT

A ROOTERSPORT NEWS Unusual Kind of Race Review in May 2018
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The big grin is back ....

..... I say no more.

Rad Booton. 27 May 2018