ROOTERSPORT Issue 1 August 2011

Welcome to Rootersport News, a new initiative from our beloved Rooters News Group. We have launched this new comic following the recent disappointing read in the pages of our competition. We thought that it was high time we jumped onto the bandwagon to dish out some predictable drivel and show the tabloids how it should be done. The whole team (that's me backwards with an 'a' and a 't' in it) are so excited we can't possibly tell you how much! So, enjoy the first issue of Rootersport as it may well be the last!


Part One - Team Principles (if they have any) or Minion's Interviews - Tellie Fenderman interviews some of them

Red Booll - Christmas "Has Come Early" Horny

TF: "Last time out you came away with another one/two. Did that make you happy?"
CH: "Yes."
TF: "Monza is a very fast circuit with not as many twisty bits in it like Spa. Is there anything that you will be doing differently there?"
CH: "Not a lot."
TF: "Some people in the paddock are saying you've got both championships pretty well wrapped up. Do you agree with them or can you see a threat from any of the other teams, like McLawrence, Fewwawi or HRT?"
CH: "Yes ..... [:thinking:] ....... and ........ No."
TF: "Last question, if I may. What are your plans for next weekend?"
CH: "Win."

McLawrence - Marwash Whitmunch

TF "Marwash, you had a bum deal at Spa. Were you surprised that your blokes couldn't take advantage of Red Booll's stupidly excessive camber angles and the resultant tyre degradation that you should have been able to capitalise on especially as Lewisham was nearly as fast Fettle?"
MW: "Eh?"
TF: ".... bum deal ... Spa. ... surprised? ... camber angles, tyres, take advantage of, etc. ...?"
MW: "Our camber angles were pretty out there as well."
TF: What about the Kamikaze/Lewisham incident?
MW: " .... mumble ... should've .... brakes ... mutter ... novices .... same track ... shouldn't be .... hrumph."
TF: "But Lewisham said he was 100% to blame. You don't see it that way then?"
MW: "Lewisham is under team orders to flimflam the media. He meant to say that to Ted Kravitz but dropped a page of the script. By the time he picked it up Ted had gone to talk to someone else."
TF: "I must press you on this as the rest of the race was really quite tedious, what with all the overtaking and Red Booll winning, as usual, and all that, everyone has been talking about that incident ever since, so our readers really need to know what is the official view of the team?
MW: Generally speaking our view is rather limited to the main straight from the exit of the last turn to the entry of corner one. Everything else we view on the pathetic little monitors on pit wall and in the garage."
TF: "Thanks Marwash, and good luck."

Fewwawi - Stephen Demoncello

TF: "Steve. Can I call you Steve? Don't you think you should have done better at Spa?
SD: "No and No."
TF: "Monza this weekend is your home race. Is there anything you're going to do differently there?
SD: "Get home much earlier for tea."
TF: "Your two blokes, Ferrariando Notsoslow and Phillup The Messa are really effin fast on their day. Have they got round hairy things (often kicked for comedic effect) to give Red Booll and McLawrence a really hard time, and maybe come away with the spoils?
SD: "Noi preferiamo un coppio di trofei e casa carico di punti."
TF: "Grazie, il Capo di tutti Capo."

Tellie Fenderman. Rootersport.

Issue Two really will be every bit as interesting

Rootersport (a division of Rooters If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them, News Agency Thing)8-)


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 8 – The Final Weekend in October – 2011 ..........................................Page 3


Well. That was exciting, wasn't it? The end of the Formula Wonderful season draws inexorably near and the tension that was the World Very Fast Blokes and The World Very Fast Car Building Blokes championships has dissipated. Now it is one race at a time until the final curtain falls.

Winfinger is on pole. No-one is surprised. Webbedfoot quietly took care of his own business and is rewarded with second spot. Auntie Boob's commentooters and pundits are in "glorification of the champion's" overdrive. Notsoslowagain was faster than Messup but only because Messup messed up his nice red motor car by clumsily pummelling one of Buddh International Circuit's Knadgery Chickens.

Meanwhile Race Control and the Stewhards are consistent in their inconsistencies. Hamburgerman's fans have been upset again, although it has to be said that he seems somehow strangely content with his fifth place grid slot. Buttman escaped penalisation again by merely sneezing in his cockpit and will start from fourth on the grid. It hasn't escaped the fans notice that a marshal was incorrectly waving a yellow flag - because the FIA. (Fictional Investigation Agency) said so in their decision! Ha, ha! Huh? Did we not see a dirty great cloud of dust? Were we not fully aware that Messup was in the barrier? Can you call a seven tenths of a second long sneeze a lift?

Bollocks. Personally, I would want to see a two or three second deficit from a lift to be convinced. Still what do I know? I'm just a jaded old fictional hack sharing the head of a lunatic with a host of characters from a netherworld somewhere in another reality. At least in here I can find some bloody sanity!

Anyway, back to Qualyfighting. So Messup, having posted an already useful time before his prang, secured sixth slot on the grid. Nick Rosbergman (7th) out-gunned The Prussian (11th) again with Subtle, Moose Buemi and Aggressiveweary in between the two men. All the other blokes did their thing giving us a crazy mixed up grid behind the usual suspects.

Mr Bean was there, failing miserably to make Big Jake sound like the straight man. EJ interviewed BJ and we wished he hadn't. Misled Ted tried desperately to sound like he knew what he was talking about but we knew he didn't. Ms.Pink-Ham chatted up some of the blokes with questions not worth asking, but nevertheless gave her an opportunity to ogle at her heroes...

...and me? I went back to sleep. Rock on race-day.

Coming up on page four: INDIA … A TRACK IS BORNE – The Race Review!!

Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 8 – The Final Weekend in October – 2011 ..........................................Page 4


Tellie Fenderman pretended to be in India, somewhere near Delhi, watching a Formula Wonderful race. This is what he thought he saw ...

Well. Here it was, race day in Buddh without an 'a'. I got into the spirit of things by making myself a decent excuse for a Prawn Madras the night before and apart from a few repeats had no real problems in the Delhi Belly department. I cannot say the same about the race, however, since it was, well, uneventful. Actually that is doing it a disservice. There were a number of events. It's just that, in the main, they were not anything unusual, nor were they anything to write home about. So I won't write home about them.

I will; though comment on the most impressive corner of the Buddh International Circuit. I do not believe the corners have been named yet so I have a name for one of them, Hot Air Balloon Corner – for that is what it is shaped and painted to look like, especially when seen from the Heli-cam. Lovely.

I will also, though write about the event of the day. One of the themes running throughout this season has been the sub-plot to the 2011 Formula Wonderful World Championships for Extraordinarily Fast Blokes and Incredibly Clever Car Building Blokes. I refer of course to the soon to be released prequel to the series entitled Hammy vs Messup – The Revenge.

Not since Slyvester Stylophone's ground-breaking movie, Drivel, has there been such anticipation for a movie release in the eclectic “Les Miserables Motoristes” cinema genre. We have been privileged to witness most of the shooting for this movie. Naturally, we have yet to see the behind the racing scenes romances, family dramas and those bits where the prodege falls out with the mentor, etcetera. Those scenes are, we believe going to be shot at Pinewood Studios with CGI produced by the masters of the art, Dreamworks.

Anyway, I digress. No, ever since filming began, back in March there has been a question on the minds of many outside observers, “Is Felipe Massa right for the role of Fedupa Messup?” Today we got the answer. I believe that he is absolutely right for the part and my reasons are as follows:

Felipe is every bit as miserable and off the boil as Lewis Hamilton (who plays the part of the dastardly figure Lewisham Hamburgerman) but for some reason does not command the column inches. I do, though, have to give him credit for trying his best in that regard. He keeps driving very, very fast but then deceived us this weekend by either going slow or completely off. His car danced a lot this weekend, particularly off line and over bumps. I loved the oscillating front wing. This should work well in the musical interludes of the movie.

One entertaining orange kerb and broken right front suspension mishap, yesterday, was followed by some column inches, today, whereby he entertainingly called for the kerbs to be modified ... for next year. Today, entertainingly, he looked at his mirror a number of times just to make sure it actually was Hamburgerman before turning in to ensure “The Burgerman's” overtake would fail. Of course I could be mistaken for thinking that that bloody great big McLawrence in his peripheral vision was, to him, a mirage created by the dust cloud hovering over the circuit. Not long thereafter, another entertaining orange kerb and broken left front suspension mishap may have made him reconsider his call for them to be modified next year. He might want to think about modifying his approach to Knadgery Chickens as well.

It was quite nice to see that comedy actor and car crazy motor sport fanatic, Mr Bean, has been given a nice cameo role in the movie. After all it was getting very serious and we did wonder if there would be any light relief.


Mr Bean as himself in the soon to be in post-production movie prequel Hammy vs Messup – The Revenge

Finally, as if to confirm my belief in his talent for the role, in post race interviews it became clear that Felipe was simply confused. He did see “The Burgerman” but also did not see him, apparently. Anyway, maybe now more people in the meeja and on the interweb will talk about him for a change.

After all, it takes two to tangle.


... only Cider and Toast will be able to answer that question ...

Tellie Fenderman

Rootersport 8-)


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 9 – We're in November – 2011 ..........................................Page 1


Well here it is, another trip to the desert. This time it's the build up to the Twilight Zone Race at Yup Itsa Marina circuit, Aboo Dubby. Rad Booton is pretending to be track-side and will bring you all the action form the weekend. Well, a snippet or two anyway.

We are late off the blocks this weekend due to the unfortunate mishap which befell our beloved Nervous Editor, whilst pacing around for a week, awaiting the arrival of Cider and Toast's new son Daniel Jack. Whilst on the subject of young Daniel, well wishing, congratulations and updates can be found on C&T's sub-threadsite here:

Regular readers of our humble rags will have seen that Bernice Ecclesthump and Mightymax Mostlymad are both in the news again. Mostleymad is trying to bump up his pension but, as it happens, not by much. Bernice, meanwhile, is a witness for the persecution of one Gethard Grablotski up on a charge for asking for dosh in exchange for silence. Interesting. Rooting Today will bring you the latest when we get it, usually later than most other peep's bring it, eventually.

I digress. As we are late, again, our race weekend coverage goes straight into our review of Free Practise sessions one and two.

Tellie Fenderman
Acting Editor In Chief While Nervous Editor Recovers From Baby Watch (AEICWNERFBW)

Rad Booton is out there (but that's another story) reports on the penultimate Formula Wonderful race weekend …

The chaps hit the track today for their first couple of Free Practise sessions and very exciting they were too. One question that mystifies me, as a newby motor sport journo' is this. When do we get to see the practise sessions they have to pay for?

Anyway, here I am, Rad Booton, track-side. From where I sit it looks like normal service. The McLawrence's and Red Bool's are quick again in the dry conditions with Buttman pipping Webbedfoot and Hamburgerman in FP1 and Hamburgerman fastest in FP2. However, the bits that interested me were the excursions.

Sparks and Flutter

Both Fewwawi's now have special “Spark-makers” on their front wing endplates like they had in India. Methinks that these features were intended for Singapoor to add to the spectacle of the night race. They have them again this weekend because the sparks will look beautiful in the twilight. There is a draw back though. Massa's front wing is again exhibiting the flutter.

Roving reporters Fenderman and Brogan have found some interesting technical stuff about the “Flutter Phenomenon” which you can find here:

Blue Murder

Micky “The Prussian” Shoemaker seemed to have difficulty reading the circuit, as do I. On several occasions in both sessions he appeared to miss his braking points and scoot off onto the pretty blue run-off zones. It might be that he suffers from that rare condition, ILBADOI. The full and inconvenient title of this psychological ailment is “I Love Blue And Driving On It”.

ILBADOI occurs, especially at sea and on race tracks like Paul Ricard, when the drivers mind becomes fixated by huge expanses of blue. Pilots use the natural latent and mild tendency to enable them to distinguish between the sky and the ground. By being attracted to sky they don't crash … very often … unless of course something else goes wrong with them or their aircraft. It appeared to me that The Prussian was attracted to the blue run-offs due to an excessive fear that he might crash if he tried to take the corners.

Interestingly, Fewwawi drivers Messup and Notsoslow, and Red Booll pilot Winfinger demonstrated that he might have been correct. The Fewwawi's suffered a number of incidents of gross snap over-steer. braking heavily from a very high speed straight into a sharp left hander, they found themselves doing massive lateral slides into the blue run-off's and inexorably to the Techrow Barriers. Fortunately the barriers are soft and comfy so no harm was done to their bodies. Winfinger, suffering a similar issue in FP2, appeared to escape injury to car, body and mind, although he was understandably glum.

More Blueness

The other interesting thing of note was the seven second spread of the field. It is a long lap here at Aboo Dubby, nevertheless there will be half a dozen mobile knadgery chickens out there this Sunday which means that there will be a myriad of blue flags waving and blue lights flashing. The problem will be that, apart from the knadgery mobile chickens themselves, with all the blue run-off everywhere how the **** will the slow blokes see the flags and lights to let the fast blokes by? A useful get-out clause, methinks, for numpty's facing penalties for ignoring blueness. “We couldn't see the blue flags and blue lights because of all the blue” they will bleat. Like sheep. Or sheep-like.

Oh, well. Track looks good. Weather looks fine. We look forward to FP3 and Qualyfighting tomorrow. Bye now.

Rad BootonRootersport 8-)

Coming up on page 2 … Free Practise Three and Qualyfighting Review. Don't miss it!!


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 9 – We're in November – 2011 ..........................................Page 2



Free Practise Three Review

Well, that was one of the most interesting sessions of the year. The first forty-five minutes were intriguing because most of the time it was hard to see what tyres the Formula Wonderful Fast Blokes were on. McLawrence looked stronger all way through but the blokes running on soft stuff kept deceiving us by popping in the fastest times. Ade “Slasher” Subtle got up there at one point in his Farce Indycar as did Messup in the Fewwawi. Meanwhile one got the feeling that Red Booll had loaded their trucks with sandbags.

Only in the last seven minutes of the session did things sort themselves out. Ten minutes to go, all the blokes had hacked back to the pits and engineers applied the final tweaks and dressed the motors with their last set of boots.

Suddenly the track was full up as pretty well all the blokes hit it for their last runs. Buttman, Webbedfoot, Hamburgerman, Notsoslow and of course, Winfinger, battled through the slow guys to show what they were truly made of. Softs were on. Sandbags were out. The cream always rises to the top.

Karlessrun “Champ Pundit Cause He Really Knows His Stuff” Chandhockenheim was in Auntie Boob's 5 Live commentary box. His analysis, second to none, as usual added the perfect insight to the proceedings.

Between them Buttman and Hamburgerman topped all three Free Practise sessions. I would make a joke about this but can't be bothered. Qualyfighting coverage has started as I type so I'm off to make a cup of coffee and get comfortable for the next bit …

Oh, and Greenlantern has been posting the times in the Abu Dhabi PQR discussion thread. Thanks, Green chap.

Qualyfighting Review

Auntie Boob's news-bites tell us the stuff we on Clip “you will hear it here first” The Apex already know. Even Rooters predicted back in the summer the new team names Caterham and Marussia! Who needs the Boobies? Answer … we do, maybe … for a laugh … and free to air coverage … I suppose.

Qualy 1

Well, they're away. The critical bun-fight to get a decent grid slot saw all of the suspects hit the track but who would be consigned to the back and who would break through to Q2? Hamburgerman, Buttman, Winfinger and Webbedfoot pumped in a load of laps on the prime tyres and then took a breather along with Notsoslow, Rosberg, The Prussian and Messup. Meanwhile the rest could take nothing for granted.

The Prussian continued to be attracted to the colour blue unlike Notsoslow who seemed to have shaken off the dreaded ILBADOI.

Take-a-di-Resta frightened the blokes having a kip by jumping into fifth position followed shortly by a frog-leaping Subtle. Messup and The Prussian hit the track like scared bunny-animals. They had to re-book their places for Qualy 2, using their softer option's up, to boot.

No real surprises, then, except perhaps poor old Rubby Barrichellist stuck in the pits. He had had an oil leak. Hate to see that. Misled Ted tried his best to keep up with developments in the Willums pit but there weren't any. Commiserations to Rubby.

Qualy 2

Thanks to his continued argument with knadgery chickens, Messup helps the session get red flagged. The brave track-side marshalls clear the debris, however not before Buttman clips the upturned frisbee-like object with his front right. No puncture or damage reported. Phew.

Whilst we waited for the resumption of the proceedings we were treated to a Red Booll flapping its wings. Yet again I ask “How is that wing legal?” Oh, it belongs to the World Fast Car Racing Blokes Champion so it must be.

Hamburgerman, Winfinger, Notsoslow, Buttman and Webbedfoot sat it out for a bit as Messup went to make amends. Smudger Smedders gave him a target time of a mid 39 sec' to hit. Messup flies over another offensive chicken kerb – all four wheels off of the track limits and a nose dive … how did that Fewwawi survive? He also hit his target time, but will he keep it? Oh, it's a Fewwawi and Fewwawi's are wed. Of course he will.

Pull di Resta frightened the barriers but they survived okay. They might be needed tomorrow. Pasta Maladjusted cruised around with his chin firmly placed in his lap - knowing he would be consigned to a ten place grid drop. Somehow he made it over the line before the drop of the flag, got on it but, too late and too slow.

A little bit of shuffling, but apart from a replay of Seb “The Mousse (or is that Mouse? Ah, no, it's Moose)” Bwimey suffering a late dose of ILBADOI, that was that.

Qualy 3

A n interesting thing happened as the chaps lined up for the green light to start Qualy 3. Once again as we have witnessed before this season, Buttman, although not faster than Hamburgerman in Q2 was released form his garage first. Hamburgerman was released as Notsoslow was given the jump on him from his garage.

Maybe I was paranoid but I thought “that's a bad sign, there goes one and half tenths. Right there.” And so it was that by the end of the session Hamburgerman had missed pole by … around one and a half tenths.

The only other weird thing was Rosicrucianberg going out on the prime tyre whilst the other blokes were on softs. Wha..? An abortion of a lap then. Duh.

Insane laps from the top lot. Winfinger pips it. Hamburgerman's last Qualy 1 lap wasn't what he wanted (his fastest time in Qualy 2 would have nailed pole) but he is in slot two with Buttman behind his butt in slot three. Webbedfoot fourth, Notsoslow, fifth and Messup sixth. All of the rest of the blokes are snarling and baying for blood behind that lot.

Winfinger and Hamburgerman are the only two drivers to occupy the pole at Aboo Dubby. Who will occupy top step of the podium? We shall see tomorrow when those five wed lights go out and the Wed Booll's wings start to fwap.

Rad BootonRootersport 8-)

Coming up on page 3 … ABOO DUBBY TWILIGHT ZONE – GRAND PRIX RACE REVIEW!! … You really do not want to miss it!!

Well, maybe you do … it depends on whether or not you like our stuff. If you don't like our stuff we won't hold that against you … we may just withhold our “like button pressing finger”. Nah, that would be mean and childish. We don't mind being childlike but childish sucks … especially with a dummy in the gob … blah, blah ...


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 9 – We're in November – 2011 ..........................................Page 3


Happy Birthday Present Brenda!!!

Carmen Brenda Hamilton got a lovely birthday present today. Golden son Lewisham, brought home a lovely great trophy for getting to the top step of the podium before anybody else in today's race. Rad Booton saw it all happen.

Race-day in Twighlight

The stage was set in qualyfighting yesterday. Ignoring Hamburgerman's slow lap in Q3 that was only good for second slot on the grid, and a blip in FP1, Hamburgerman had actually been the fastest of the fast blokes all weekend. His best lap in Q2 was quicker than the Winfinger's pole time. Fat lot of good it was doing it in Q2. Oh, well.Today he would have proved it but ...

we were deprived of a battle of the three bestest fast blokes when Seb Winfinger's luck ran out almost immediately between turns one and two. A mysterious puncture gave him a long drive back to the garage and retirement from the race because of damage to the right rear corner of his motor.

The inquest began and continued later into the night on Auntie Boob's forum. However, I have my own suspicions. Having gained some experience of these things during my recent adventures in Libyah, I noticed a shadowy figure packing a snipers rifle on the way out. Hmm. Later, Ecclesthump is seen whispering in Winfinger's ear. My lip reading is rusty but I swear I saw the words “bung” and “later”. Perhaps I misread. It could have been “It's okay mate, stuff happens.” Hard to tell at a distance ...

Nevertheless, a tense race long duel was held as Hamburgerman was harried by a fast starting Notslowbyanymeansinthisrace. Notslow' was hot off the blocks from P5 passing Webbedfoot and Buttman before setting off in hot pursuit. It's impossible to describe the tension, I think. So I won't. Suffice it to say that the gap between The Ham and The Eyebrows hovered at around two and a half seconds throughout stint one, and between two to three seconds until the last stint when it went up to and hovered around four to five seconds.

After the race, we found out that this was because a Happy Bubble in the shape of Lewisham's mum was there and his mind management system was re-engaged to manage the gap. It would have been very easy for Lewisham to lose control of his mind had he not controlled the massive grin he must have had when Seb' s race was deflated.

Meanwhile, everyone else squabbled incessantly all race long

The slow blokes, as predicted in my preview yesterday, were indeed mobile knadgery chickens missing blue flags and lights. Especially Pastie Mildtornado who earned himself a couple of investigations (as did Algie Sweary and Sennapod) and at least one penalty. Fitting I thought, although it has to be said blueness was everywhere so how were they to tell? A shame for Mildtornado, though as he and team-mate Barry "Rubby" Chello had hauled themselves up into the top twelve at the time from the butt end of the grid.

Messup looked quite promising and failed to turn in on anyone or have anyone drive into him, but he soon lost interest and had a nice relaxing Sunday drive. Buttman's KERS was a curse, coming and going depending on which combination of buttons Buttman had the time to try. This gave Webbedfoot half a chance of a podium but to no avail as he bottled out of a pass here, a pass there and another pass elsewhere. A slow pit stop and/or some other problem took Messup off his back so at least he got one glove onto and clinched fourth behind a relieved and knackered Buttman.

Nick Rosebug bugged his team-mate, The Prussian, by nailing sixth place. Ha, ha. The Farce Indians, Stealth Saubers, Tory Rosas and Renals DRS'd past each other with great regularity which would have been really confusing if I had been in the least bit interested in them. Anyway, Ade Subtle and Pull The Restup wrestled 8th and 9th. Whilst the Stealth Saubers of Kameearly Kobibashi and Surgeon Perezness snuck in front of Rubby into 10th and 11th.
Riccydough, Bwamemenot, and D'Ambrosiacreamedrice joined Winfinger in the dug-out.

The usual lesser fast blokes came over the line eventually, but there I had already lost interest and got carried away rejoicing at the fact that someone else had won for a change. It was also nice to see a bloke get at least some of his Happy Bubble back. It's not nice not having a Happy Bubble as everyone who has ever lost a Happy Bubble will tell you. Indeed, without a Happy Bubble just where would you be? Happy Bubbleless*, that's where! Highly unpleasant I can tell you.

Rad Booton. Rootersport 8-)
*Other interesting answers regarding Happy Bubblelessness should be written on a postcard and sent to Bernice Ecclesthump and BSkyB

For a serious write up see MCLS's Abu Dhabi review and preview piece for Brazil here:
Only one more to go, better find those samba drums ...

For Galahads superb circuit write up, see here


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 10 – We're Still in November, 2011 – Just .....................................Page 1


Us lot inside Fenderman's bonce have been struggling this weekend. We very nearly aborted our mission to present another issue of our illustrious (well it would be if we included any pictures) rag. So uneventful has been the build up to this, the ultimate race weekend of the Finalised In Advance 2011 Formula Wonderful World's Fastest Blokes and World's Fastest Motor Car Building Blokes Championships.

This years championship was fixed settled so long ago that good stories have fizzled out. So far this weekend, on track action has seemed somewhat dull. No-one has done anything truly chumpish to set the forums alight yet there has been some history in the making. We'll talk about that in a bit ... or not.

In a slight change to our usual format we will bring you up to speed with a discussion about the weather with an update from Jos The Boss, Clip's official weather-bloke. Other stuff will be in there as soon as we can think it up.

Will Brazil be Barry Cello's last bow from the Formula Wonderful Worlds Fastest Blokes Championships? After a record breaking nineteen seasons in Formula Wonderful, this weekend may be Rubby Barry Cello's last appearance as one of the World's fastest blokes. One or two pages later in this issue we will pay tribute to one of the most likeable chaps in the sport.

So, dear reader, read on … please ... ta.

Tellie Fenderman
Acting Editor In Chief (while Nervous Editor recovers from multiple contusions, abrasions, fractures and boredom (which was the worst of his injuries) suffered as a consequence of becoming emotionally involved with coming of the Cider & Toast Child, who, coincidentally shares his name with that of my new guitar. The reader who correctly guesses what that is gets a PM with a Gold Cup bearing Smiley and, maybe, a cigar).

Weather Watch

Jos the Boss, post: 95108, member: 1568"]Weather!- 1000- Sunny Skies 1300- Sunny skies (0.5mm) 1600- Patchy Rain Possible (0.3mm) 1900- Light rain shower (0.3mm) 2200- Light Rain Shower (1.2mm)
0100- Light rain shower (0.8mm) 0400- Light drizzle (0.2mm) 0700- Light rain shower (0.6mm) 1000- Moderate or heavy rain showers (4.4mm) 1300- Moderate or heavy rain showers (2.6mm) 1600- Moderate or heavy rain showers (4.6mm) 1900- Light rain (2.0mm)

Brackets mean the amount of rainfall, no rain=no brackets

by Roving Weather-bloke, Jos The Boss

Misled Ted tried desperately to update on the weather. The radar said this but the weather prophets said that, team managers told him this. Poor chap. As the roving storm cell responded to the wizardry of Herr Winfingers Personal Mystic and veered miraculously off course, he was forced into saying that “maybe the radar is wrong”. Hmm. Methinks he should give Jos a ring.

Jos, who may be entering the race to be Clip's official prophet, also predicted one Herr Shoemaker making it into the top ten. Nice one Jos. I think that deserves a cigar.


Auntie Boob Watch

The usual light enterainment segways were provided by Auntie Boob's fine team of commentooters and pundits. In the fine tradition of the FIAFWWFBaWFMCBBC end of season Antie Boob round up, old champ's have been rolled out to be interrogated.

Zchjack Villagenerve gave us a nice tribute to Winfinger saying that “... if he had just won with Webbedfoot right behind him he would just have been an ordinary fast bloke in the best car, but he destroyed his team-mate. If his team-mate would have been on the same page he would have been a comma. As it was he was merely a question Mark. So, yes Sebfinger Winfinger is ... very good.”

Indeed. It's also noteworthy, I suppose, that Winfinger's pole has finally bonked Nitrogel Mainstreambrummyman off of the “Most Laps in a Season Podium Top Step”.

The tall bloke asked Tim O'Glock what were “the reasons for being in the slowest car”. Seemed such a nice way to ask a bloke “Why were you so ****ing slow?”

Free Practise and Qualyfighting Review

Free Practise was somewhat less than enthralling. The blokes drove round the second shortest track with the first shortest lap of the season. It was a serious case of deja vu. Clip's “Chat” facility was seriously under-used. Indeed, one member was forced to apologise for breaking the two week silence before the two weeks were up.

Qualyfighting was almost as dull despite Marty Bundleoflaughs and Dave Cool-to-hard's hearty attempts to make it sound exciting with phrases like “That's incredible!”, “Mighty”, “that's a sensational lap” etc. Of most interest to me was a brief but enlightening conversation about dinner.

Jenov2003 sparked it off because she began to think about dinner. Speshal, stuck in his hotel room in Exeter, Blighty, was forced to go and find a menu. Thoughts of seafood, roast beef, mulled wine, warm beer and thick soup switched on the reception centres of the brain that need little encouragement to think about stuffing yummy grub into the belly.

Brogan wondered whose lips would be licked and by whom. Jenov thought Fenders was being cheeky when he said “one's own I hope”. Indeed, he was being cheeky.

Following the predictable but dull securing of pole position by him again, Bro' predicts a Gryawn Prix tomorrow. Cider & Toast predicts that if it doesn't rain Winfinger is just going to shoot-off into the sunset. Personally, I hope he does that bit in private. Hopefully, Jos the Boss can out wizard Winfingers Personal Mystic and predict some unpredictable rain. That should spice things up a bit. Otherwise, we here in Fender's dome concur with Bro' baby and CaT.

Birthday Watch


It's cake, goodies and booze time! Andrea Moda Rules has clocked up another year on Planet Earth. Everyone in Fenderman's brain wishes him an exceptionally good one and many very happy returns to whatever it is that he likes to be doing most. Happy one, mate!

Happy :birthday:AMR ... Party time:cheers::friends::twisted::snacks::popcorn::cheers::cheer:!!!!!! 8-)

Rad Booton,
Rootersport 8-)

Coming up on page 2 … Brazilian Brainteaser … The Race Review


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 10 – We're Still in November, 2011 – Just .....................................Page 2


The Race

“... three, four, five, red lights. Look but never stare...” Said Boob commentooter, Marty Bundleoflaughs as all the fast blokes hurtled toward turn one. Winfinger, hurtling like a scalded cat, did his usual to build a ludicrous gap in no time time at all whilst the rest squabbled a bit. Hamburgerman lost his fourth place to Notsoslowaswekeeptellingpeeps and Buttman tucked into third behind Webbedfoot after a failed attempt to pass him. Messiah capped off the top six.

During one of my many blinks Notsoslow pulled an outrageous outside pass on Buttman. Cool-to-hard and Bundleoflaughs were ecstatic and hardly able to believe it possible. We are reminded later by none other than Slyboogie that The Ham pulled that one in his heyWTFday. Pretty soon, though, Red Booll are telling Winfinger that he's got a gearbox problem. Hamburgerman is suffering a recalcitrant gear box too. Not long after that, a charging Webbedfoot cruises past Winfinger to lead the race.

Having received a tip-off that Lewisham and Fillitup were getting cuddly again, the Stewhards knew there would be no Hamburgerman/Messiah punch up this weekend. They also knew that they would need someone to cop a penalty in order to end the season the way they started.. Like the drivers they too need to justify their existence and their pay-packet. Fortune smiled on them as The Prussian, who looked to be doing good this time out, had a brush with Sennapod.

All this goes on whilst the slower blokes fight it out over the scraps as usual. A lot of them fighting for seats next season as well. Maybe one day we at Rootersport will talk about them. Probably whilst there is nothing else happening. Possibly not. We will see.

There was, though, one incident in the also rans that did at least give us the quote of the day. A hapless Tim O'Glock exited the pits only to have his left rear wheel skip off on its lonesome. Davy Cool-to-hard was moved to remark, “Rule number one. Leaving your pit stop ... make sure you've got your nuts with you.”

Indeed. Still the Stewhards must be happy. Another opportunity to investigate an incident after the race. They always like one of those. Overtime pay. Excellent.

Guess who picked up the drive through penalty. Sennapod of course. Needless to say, even Auntie Boob's commentooters whilst disagreeing with the decision went to great lengths to help the Stewhards justify their decision. Marty Bundleoflaughs said “They [the Stewhards] have a lot more camera angles than we [commentooters] have .. blah, blah.” We at Rootersport note that Stewhards only have the same number of eyes. Two each, the last time we looked.

Maldonado then plonks his motor into the barriers.

Later in the race Winfinger's engineer desperately tells him the gearbox issue is serious and to look after the car. Simultaneously, Hamburgerman's gearbox packs up and it is his first mechanical DNF of the season.

Anyway, in the later stages Subtle tried a pass on Rosbergerman, but Niccybaby took him back into turn one. Nicely done, Nic. Buttman, is told that he can actually race so he catches and gets his revenge on Notsoslow. One of those will surely be called the overtake of the day. Buttman has grabbed the third place he will keep to the end of the race. Meanwhile up front, Webbedfoot cruises to his win and the inevitable accolades of Auntie Boob's over-impressed pundit, Ed JordanisacountryintheMiddleEast. Winfinger doesn't win but many observers think he could have done.

And that was it. Last race of 2011 season.


Hamburgerman and Messup Kiss and Make Up

In further efforts to regain his Happy Bubble, Lewisham Hamburgerman has made peace with Fedupabeingnumbertwo Messiah. In a cuddly scene that would make even Davy Cuddles Cool-to-hard proud, the two hugged to the obvious delight of onlookers.
Shortly afterwards a bearded bloke in a white T-shirt was escorted away by security, having apparently become over-excited by the occasion. The bloke can be clearly seen, standing on the left in this candid shot, clutching his groin in an obvious effort to hide his embarassment.

Jos the Boss's position as CTA Official Weather-Bloke in Peril

In other developments today, questions were raised over Jos the Boss's position as CTA Official Weather-Bloke

ExtremeNinja, talking about the mysterious absence of rain said “Hmm. I blame Jos. Poor performance at the end of the season.” and asked “Has he done enough to secure a 2012 seat in the CTA weather box?” whilst Teabagyokel pointed out that “Well there are 0 applicants!”.

It's worth considering that the Boss's competition, including the mission control centres of the entire Formula Wonderful grid also had it all wrong. Insiders in CTA insist that until there is some real competition Jos is safe in his weather-bloke seat. However, we understand that his performance will be closely monitored for at least 50% of the 2012 season. We anticipate that the monitoring will coincide with races aired live by Auntie Boob.

F1 Awards of the Year 2011

The Teabagyokel F1 Awards-of-the-year have been announced by Teabagyokel.

TBY's F1-Awards-of-the-Year-2011

Rad Booton,
Rootersport 8-)

Coming up on page 3 if there is one ... Brazilian Brainteaser … The Interviews


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 11 – We're in March, 2012 – Crikey .....................................Page 1

Rooter’s Reporter’s Pre-Formula Wonderful Season Laptop Testing Issue

Rootersport’s Rad Booton Awakes from his slumber and finds himself in Monza!

“Zzzzzzzzzz, huh? Snoff, snoff ... hrumph ... wha’ the?”

Where is everybody? I awaken to find myself miraculously transported to the main grandstand overlooking the starting grid at Monza. It’s 1.00 pm local time and John Thought (Fix It Afterwards presidential incumbent) is finishing his grid walk with his FIA entourage.

The grid is packed with the FIA World Tin Top Motors Like You Could Buy In The High Street Championship (WTCC for short) contenders, crews, drivers and danglers on. They are preparing for the race one warm up lap and rolling start that is only moments away.

Hang on, though ... where are the fans? I am alone up here. Not a fan in sight. I peer over to the other grandstands and they are bereft of human beans. Only pigeons, small mammals and tree rats appear to inhabit the ‘stands. Either someone forgot to tell the sport’s fans or there are no fans to tell. Whatever, ordinary race going peep’s have not deigned to go (or come, depending in where you are sitting).

It is a strange coincidence that Rootersport finds itself producing Issue No.11 from Monza where we produced our terra firma breaking Issue No.1, but there are no Tifosi packing the stands in their Fewwawi red T-shirts with Fewwawi flags and banners. There are no fans of anybody! There is no race-day atmosphere. It’s like an invite only private party for WTCC peep’s but the organisers forgot to send out the RSVP invitations. Only them, the caterers, stewards, performers and support staff have turned up.

Even the Yourosport commentators have stayed at home on their comfortable studio in Paris. I know this because I am only virtually in Monza. My body is comfortably ensconced on my couch at home. The dulcet tones of what’shisname betray the fact that he is seeing only what I am seeing on the box. He’s not even got live timing up on his PC like I have on my borrowed laptop. There’s commitment for you.

The sponsors cannot be pleased, surely.

I spoke to Tellie Fenderman - when he finally awoke from three months hibernation (did we tell you that he is a badger?). What do you think about WTCC? I asked.

Tellie replied: “I quite like it but there is something missing”
Me: “You mean fans? Atmosphere?”
Tellie: “Well, yes those but ... I just can’t put my fingers on it ...”
Me: “Thrills? Excitement? Glamour?”
Tellie: “Well, yes those things but ... just can’t ....”
Me: “Decent TV coverage? Speed?”
Tellie: “Um, yes that as well but there’s something else that is so not there I just can’t think of it.”
Me: “Racing? Overtaking? Prangs?”
Tellie: “No, it’s got plenty of that ..”
Me: “Sorry, we’ve run out of time. We’ll be right back after these messages ...”

Rad Booton, Rootersport 8-)

Coming up on page 2 – WTCC Monza races review


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 11 – We're in March, 2012 – Crikey .....................................Page 2

Rooter’s Reporter’s Pre-Formula Wonderful Season Laptop Testing Issue

Rootersport’s Rad Booton Awakes from his slumber and finds himself still in Monza!

WTCC Monza race one review

"What the .... everybody's gone home!"

"This is no way to get pre-season typing a race review going." Thought Rad. "Gotta write something ... um ... let me :thinking:

... :bored: ... :rolleyes: ... :disappointed:... :thinking: ... :tumbleweed: ... :crazy: ... :embarrassed: ... :bored: ... :unsure: ... :thinking: ... "

Sometime later that evening ...
":thinking: ... :bored: ... :rolleyes: ... :disappointed:... :thinking: ... :tumbleweed: ... :crazy: ... :embarrassed: ... :bored: ... :unsure: ... :thinking: ... "

"I think I'm suffering from Rooters Block"

Right here goes ...

Dateline 11th March 2012 - Monza, Italy, Europe, Earth.

I'm reporting today trackside for the opening races of the FIA World Tin Top Motors Like You Could Buy In The High Street Championship (WTCC for short). The atmosphere is ... absent. The safety car leads the pack onto the warm up lap. Tension is non-existent as the first race of the season kicks off with a rolling start. Safety car pulls off and pole sitter Gabby Tarquin leads Iva Penchant For Mullering, Bobina Huffenpuff and Pepe le Phew Ori-oil down to the first knadgery chicken.

Mid-pack pirouettes throw the tail enders down the escape route. Par for the course first turn WTCC shenanigans. What follows is the usual bump and barge, shuffle of the pack and bumper to bumper parade to the end. Some stuff went on but I must dozed off. I think it went something like this:

Tarquin led into the first chicken and Angstler, D’Astardly and Mount-Cairo did the dancing and binned it and Alacarte Menu was Huffed into the Lesmo gravel. Lap two saw Mulleremall lead into the chicken, run wide and Tarquin grins as he gets his lead back. Meanwhile Banana, Gnash and Ballesi connect in the first chicken. Gash survives. Ballesi and Banana don't. Now on lap three, Mulleremall takes advantage of a wide open barn door from Tarquin to lead again. it's that knadgery chicken again.

Ricky Rydiculous is Huffed on lap six, losing third for a bit but deHuffed himself by lap's end. Meanwhile, Stilton The Cheese passed D’Astardly who mercilessly took his place back on the same lap. Huffenpuff Huffed Rydell again on lap seven to move into third whilst Dudedukalo overtook Tom The Colonel. Things hot up on lap eight as Ng, Tootemloo and Veyber prang at the Roggia Chicken. Huffenpuff takes second place from Tarquin on lap nine and Alacarte Menu smooths up into eighth.

So Mulleremall takes the first win of the day ahead of Huffenpuff and Tarquin. Well done chaps. Bizarrely they all stand and wave from the podium as if someone was out there watching them. Oh well.

Rad Booton, Rootersport 8-)

Coming up on page 3 – WTCC Monza race two review


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 11 – We're in March, 2012 – Crikey .....................................Page 3

Rooter’s Reporter’s Pre-Formula Wonderful Season Laptop Testing Issue

Rootersport’s Rad Booton manages to stay awake in Monza!

WTCC Monza race two review

In a vain attempt to make it look like some fans have turned up the FIA have forced the occupants of the press centre and hospitality suites into the grandstands and told them to act like a crowd. Unfortunately, the ploy has only worked insofar as sufferers of double vision may just think the ‘crowd’ exists. No-one else would be fooled. A few thousand cardboard cut-outs would have been handy, methinks. At least I am no longer lonely as I await the start of race two.

The grid assembles for said race with the top ten in reverse grid order from part two of the qualy session. Not that it made much difference to me up here in the boondocks as I don’t know my WTCC driver from my elbow. Oh, well I know both my elbows upon reflection.

So, onto the action ....
BMW bloke Notabrit Micheliszzzzzscht occupies pole position and holds his lead off the start and until lap seven when the excitement that he might just win a WTCC race must have got to him. Alacarte Menu’s poor luck continues in race two with D’Astardly bashing him up – or him bashing D’Astardly depending on one’s point of view. Heading into lap two, Bobikins Huffenpuff megaHuffed Mulleremall braking for the first knadgery chicken. All three Chevy’s spin and buck like bronco’s but it is the Lucklessoil Racing Team’s Gabby Tarquin who got the thin end of the rotten wedge and was out.

By lap four one would have expected a race split into several packs. Not a bit of it. The grid is still in one solid bumper to bumper pack, shuffling like a deck in the hands of a magician. D’Astardly grabs third spot from MacDoitall in drag race into and through the knadgery chicken. Mulleremall, Menu and Huffenpuff overtake MacDoitall who was clearly unsettled by the D’Astardly move. Mulleremall then takes third from D’Astardly who loses another spot to Menu next time round.

Mulleremall is motoring now and takes second place from Tom The Colonel on lap six, but it’s not a done deal and the Colonel takes him back on lap seven – typically at that knadgery chicken again. Meanwhile Alacarte Menu has a contre-tant with Mulleremall at the second knadgery chicken who goes on to regain second place from The Colonel.

Later on the same lap (lap seven) Mulleremall harries Micheliszzzzzscht for the lead. Poor young Micheliszzzzzzscht is clearly freaked out of his sorts and is easy meat for Alacarte Menu, Tom The Colonel and Bob Huffenpuff. To add insult to injury MacDoitall punts Micheliszzzzzzscht but he hangs on in there so it is MacDo’ who loses two places. Chevy’s run nose to tail for the finish as on the penultimate lap Huffenuff grabs The Colonel’s third step of the podium and keeps it.
So, there we are. Chevrolet Cruze end the day with a one-two in race one and a one-two-three in race two. Lest we forget, Ivanto Mulleremall is current WTCC Drivers’ Champion. Ominous signs for the other poor chaps as he grabs both wins in Round One.

Hmm, I asked myself, if Mulleremall and Chevy’ dominate the opening rounds of the season will anyone turn up to watch them?

Rad Booton, Rootersport 8-)

Coming up in the future: Some Formula Wonderful.
Don’t expect any previews, practise or qualyfighting reviews. Rooters is skint and can’t afford Sky. Yup as noted by Mephistopheles:

You see the bbc not showing all the races live is going affect the quality of this forum on race days. :(

Of course, some may say a diminished Rootersports content will be a quality improvement not a loss. My readership will decide. Nyah, haha, ha. ;)


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 12 – March, 2012 – Stone Me, Cobber .....................................Page 1

Down Under For Round One of The Fix It Anyway Formula Wonderful World’s Fastest Blokes and World’s Bestest Car Building Blokes Championships

Peach Melbabourne, Ozland

Editorial – Tellie Fenderman (Ed)

Well here we are at last. After one of the longest periods of F1 Delerium Tremens in my personal history the Formula Wonderful circus raised the Big Top tent flaps for the season opener “down under” in the land of the peeps who are freer than the peeps “over the water” (or “Ozland of the really free” for short). Pre-season testing gave us a few clues as to what was to come but one never knows what will happen until the chocks are away and the squad takes flight. Rad Booton scooted off to Ozland straight after his Tin-Top adventures in the empty grandstands of Monza. This is what he thinks he saw ...

Rumble Down Under From Where We Live – The Qualyfighting Review

Rootersport’s Rad Booton reports from OZLAND .... Yippeeeee!!!

Qualyfighting – The Notable Bits


Tim O’Glock leads a slow start of the Qualyfighting three stage selection process to determine the starting order for Sunday’s race. Opening the timesheets with a scruffy, apex missing lap, he was followed by new chap Sharles Peekaboo who showed his early mettle by knocking six tenths off straight away. Old boy O’Glock, who isn’t Irish, must have been – ever so slightly - piqued.

Then, for some odd reason, all hell broke loose as all of the other Fastest Blokes in The World (we think) hit the track. Traffic jams ensued. Ferrariando Seriously-Hoping-He-Won’t-be-Slow-this-season finding No-rain Kartheshouldstillbedriving in his Holdupthe Restofthe Traffic (HRT), faffing in the run onto the straight, down the straight, through turn one and thence turn two to boot. The HRT was apparently on Team HRT’s idea of a flying lap. Laughable it might have been had Ferrariando been there for laughs ... but he wasn’t and it isn’t.

Buttman shows some muscle with a hotty followed by Kameearly Kobibashi, Hamburgerman, The Prussian, Burnt Sienna and Fettlespeltvettel. Nic O’Rosicrucianberg then nabs provisional pole as The Ham improves to second.

Q1 draws to a close with Hecki Kosylinen, Fellippy Massage, Vital Petrol, Tim O’Glock, Sharles Peekaboo, Pedalo DeLaRosy and No-rain Karthekyant in the boondocks. But wait ... Fellippy Massage drags himself up with superhuman effort to bump re-entry Kimmy Rekomingone down to 18th and out of the face-off against the Q2 clock.


Take-a-Di Resta, Burnt Sienna and Nic Hulkenbergairship break the silence and storm onto the circuit on the option tyre. Hamburgerman then throws down the gauntlet with teammate Buttman up his chuff, timewise. Fettlespeltvettel, Webbedfoot and Notsoslow slip into third, fourth and fifth respectively..

Then Notsoslow plants himself firmly in the turn one gravel trap. He is most upset as the Oz Marshalls fail to feel the need to put him back on track. Sorry Ferrariando ... tough luck mate. All is quiet for a couple of minutes as the stricken Fewwawi is extricated from said gravel and plonked on the back of a flat-bed. Is Ferrariando’s qualyfighting done?

Fellippy Massage leads the resumption of qualyfighting with Nic O’Rosicrucianberg not far behind. Team Mercator Projected top the timesheets with O’Rosicrucianberg ahead of his prussian teammate. Having looked good in Free practise, returnee-after-first-failed-F1-foray Grossjeans gives another hint of things to come as he secures provisional fifth behind the Merc’s and MacLawrence’s. Ferrariando sees his hopes of holding onto any kind of decent grid slot slip mercilessly away as other blokes nibble away at his best time. His only glimmer of happiness is the failure of Fellippy to do likewise.

Other notable break
-through's to Q3 are Pastoral bipolarMaladydonado, Hulkenbergairship and rookie Rickyhard-do as we lose slower blokes newby Jean-Joules Ver(g)ne, Kobybashi, Sienna, DiRest, Massage and Pérezooma.


Rosicrucianberg, Hamburgerman, Buttman and The Prussian cruise onto the track for Q3 with Hamburgerman stomping round over half a second faster than anyone else. His 1:24.922 will turn out to be good enough for pole. Fettlespeltvettel, Shoemaker, Buttman, Grossjeans and Rosicrucianberg post some speedies and box.

Markmywords Webbedfoot pops his head out on the empty track. A cunning plan that looks like it just might work. Although it is seven tenths off The Ham’s it’s good for a provisional second slot. With just a few minutes left of Q3 the other blokes make their last ditch efforts.

And so it was that Lewisham Hamburgerman and Jetson Buttman’s MacLawrence’s locked out the front row for the World’s Fastest Blokes Championship race at Albert’s Lovely Park in Melba Cake Downunder.

A surprise it was, since it was expected that the Mercator Projected team would lock out the front row due to their Rear Wing Drag Reduction System F-Duct Activated Front Wing Drag Reduction System (RWDRSFDAFWDRS) advantage. Alas for Herr Cobbler und Nick Rosicrucianberg it was not to be. Romanesque Grossjeans added insult to injury by unceremoniously plonking his Lotusnotarenault in third slot so Das Prussian Cobbler had to settle for a humble fourth grid slot. Later, a sheepish smile (or was it a grimace) betrayed the fact that he wasn’t really very happy about it. Understandable, considering the Merc’s remarkable pace to top the timesheets in FP2. Nun ja.

Stranger still were the fortunes of the Red Booll squadsters, Markofzorro Webbedfoot and Seb Winfinger Fettlespeltvettel. Their best efforts and cunning plans were rewarded with miserly slots five and six respectively. It seems that RuBbeRy have suffered the most from the banning of Exhaustively Blown Diffuserthingy’s.

The Upside

The cut and thrust of Free Practise, although difficult to judge by, since the weather obeyed the instructions of Clip’s resident official-sort-of weatherman, Jos The Boss ( and the topsy turvy qualyfighting suggested we were in for a very competitive and unusual Downunder race.

Rad Booton, Rootersport 8-)
Coming up on page 2 – Rumble Down Under From Where We Live – The Race Review


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 11 – March, 2012 – Stone Me, Cobber .....................................Page 2

Down Under For Round One of The Fix It Anyway Formula Wonderful World’s Fastest Blokes and World’s Bestest Car Building Blokes Championships
Peach Melbabourne, Ozland
Rootersport’s Rad Booton reports from OZLAND .... Yeehaow!!!
Rumble Down Under From Where We Live
The Race Review Part One – The Start
Albert’s Lovely Park in Melba Cake Downunder is a picturesque oasis surrounded by a throbbing city. The helicopter aerial photography treats us to a vista of life going on as normal. Truckers, motorists, motorcyclists, cyclists and pedestrians navigate the city streets as if blissfully unaware of the drama that is about to unfold in Melba’s premier pubic open space.

No, life is not normal in the confines of Albert’s Lovely Park. The roads around the lake have been converted into the now iconic Melba Formula Wonderful race circuit. We are a few minutes away from the start of the warm up lap. The thin pop lady has sung. Tyre warmers are being stripped away. Starter shafts are inserted into racecar rear ends. In a few moments a cacophany of noise will be unleashed that will last until the fat lady sings an hour and a half and fifty eight laps later.

This is the glory that is eff one. Twentytwo screaming aerodynamic mechanical banshees will carry their pilots to praise or condemnation; to the gravel trap or the checquered flag; to the wooden spoon or the bubbly.

At last, that long awaited opening round of the premier motor car racing sport of the planet Earth is about to begin. The fans have shed their cobwebbed, bleary eyed, Formula Wonderful deprived despondency and have donned their eager expectancy and anticipation. Such a contrast to the recent return of WTCC at Monza. It’s hard to believe the Fix It Anyway organisation is responsble for both series. Oops, I digress and spoil the flowery eloquence with which I have been crafting this article. Doh!

Let the noise begin. Now, read on ...

Lewisham Hamburgerman leads the pack off on the warm up lap. With Gentle Buttman, Romanesque Grossjeans, The Prussian, Markofzorro Webbedfoot, Seb Winfinger Fettlespeltvettel, these are the top six from whom I expected the winner. Outside bet is Ferriando Notsoslow in twelfth place and wildcard-cum-ace in the Lotusnotarenault hand, Kimmy Rekomingone trails in seventeenth.

BlueSerge Pérezooma brings up the rear having been penalised five places because his car has another new gearbox already. Vital Petrol and Pérezooma are the only two fast blokes starting on the prime tyre. The Havinga Really Tryingtime squad are absent having failed abysmally in the qualyfighting.

One, two, three, four, five red lights pop on, one by seemingly, tortuously slow, one. They glow for an age. Hamburgerman has been sat waiting for thirty seconds or more as the grid formed up behind him. At last the lights go out and they are off. Hamburgerman and Buttman both make good starts but nano-seconds later wheel spin screws Hamburgerman’s get away as his car wags its tail. Buttman draws alongside as they head into turn one. He is on the inside line and thus into the lead. Grossjeans’s gloriously won in qualyfighting third place evaporates as he is passed by the experienced Prussian Cobbler and Rosicrucianberg. He languishes in sixth.

Rickyhard-do, Sienna and Webbedfoot get caught up in a bish, bash, bosh run down to turn one. Miraculously Webbedfoot’s motor survives relatively untarnished. Rickyhard-do and Sienna will have to pit for new tyres.

Rad Booton, Rootersport 8-)


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 11 – March, 2012 – Stone Me, Cobber .....................................Page 3

Peach Melbabourne, Ozland - Rumble Down Under From Where We Live
The Race Review Part Two – The Early Stages
Fettlespeltvettel takes Rosicrucianberg on lap two as Grossjeans’s return to Formula Wonderful gets worse. The naughty personality of BipolarMaladydonado is in charge as he overtakes but rudely punts Grossjeans’s front right and consignes the hapless Frenchman to the gravel trap, front suspension broken. Soon, Notsoslow passes the momentarily wobbly BipolarMaladydonado. Meanwhile team-mate Fellippy Massage has stealthily crept into ninth from sixteenth on the grid.
Lap six sees BipolarMaladydonado’s naughty personality take himself through the gravel and Massage grabs eigth. Lap seven and Fettlespeltvettel, chasing The Prussian, tastes turn one gravel. Rosicrucianberg narrowly misses an opportunity to grab his place. Buttman has pulled out a 3.9 second lead on Hamburgerman. The Prussian is somehow in third place on lap eleven but gets stuck in a gear he does not want to be stuck in and hurtles off into that surprisingly attractive turn one gravel trap. A griinning (I suspect) Winfinger speeds past into a third place that he probably did not expect but was never going to refuse. The Prussian pootled back to the pits to retire. Just from the race that is. He’s retired already, came back and doesn’t plan to re-retire just yet. Allegedly.
Massage is the first to box for a routine tyre change as opposed to an unroutine one. This is a relief to the fast blokes whose progress has been impeded by the struggling Fewwawista. Rosicrucianberg pits for a new set of the option tyre. Notsoslow boxes for the harder primes as does Webbedfoot. Buttman and Fettlespeltvettel opt for the options. Buttman rejoins in second but Fettlespeltvettel ends up in sixth and just a DRS detection’s length in front of Ferrariando Notsoslow. Hamburgerman’s stop gets him stuck behind Pérezooma who isn’t zooming because he is still on the same set of primes he started the bloomin’ race on. Fettlespeltvettel tows Notsoslow, Rosicrucianberg and Webbedfoot to join in. Hamburgerman gets by but loses shed loads of time to Buttman who must be thinking Christmas has come early.
Whilst all that is going on, Rekomingone is having a whale of a time with Massage, and Kobybashi. Taking the Swaubba around the outside of turn five elicits heaps of praise from commentooters worldwide. Shortly thereafter he mugs Massage out of his hard earned eigth spot. Webbedfoot pressures Rosicrucianberg into a scary-mad excursion from the track limits but lucky Nic has a get out of jail free card .... no gravel trap! BipolarMaladydonado has caught Webbedfoot and Rekomingone storms up behond to tag along.
Lap thirtyfive sees Notsoslow box for another new set of primes. In a rare demonstration of excellent pit-work, MacLawrence box Buttman and Hamburgerman in tandem. Considering the frequency with which this team botch pit-stops, it was dificult to watch. Peeking between the fingers of my hands clasped firmly over my eyes I was pleasantly surprised to see them pull it off. Unfortunately, Vital Petrol choses this moment to pull up on the pit straight and the safety car is deployed. The sun shine of fortune glows brightly on Fettlespeltvettel who boxes under the safety car. Webbedfoot, BipolarMaladydonado and a load of the other blokes box likewise.
Rad Booton, Rootersport 8-)


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 11 – March, 2012 – Stone Me, Cobber .....................................Page 4

Peach Melbabourne, Ozland - Rumble Down Under From Where We Live
The Race Review Part Three – The latter Stages
For the restart, Buttman leads Fettlespeltvettel, Hamburgerman, Webbedfoot, Notsoslow, BipolarMaladydonado, Pérezooma, Rosicrucianberg, Rekomingone and Kobybashi. Only Pérezooma is now on the softer option tyre. Kosylinen is pulled into the pits on lap forty as CaterhamasmalltowninSurrey bottle it in case his motor goes the way of Vital Petrol’s.
Buttman clears off on the restart leaving Fettlespeltvettel to fend of a hapless Hamburgerman. A few laps later Massage with Hamburgerman no where in sight finally finds a target. Interestingly Ed The Little Pundit Jordanisacountryinthemiddleeast saw Massage’s massaging of Sienna’s sidepod as a “racing incident”. Marty Brundleoflaughs (or was it Daffy Cuddles Cool-to-hard) thought it was clumsy. I thought it was that lack of spacial awareness thing again. Anyway, Sienna's left front and Massage's right rear tyres go flat as do their hopes of a decent result. Sienna boxed for new boots and carried on. Massage retires in ignominy.
Five laps to go and Fettlespeltvettel suddenly pumps in a few fastest laps to leave Hamburgerman and Webbedfoot behind. Notsoslow is slow because his Fewwawi is slower than Notsoslow would be if he was in a faster car but he isn’t. BipolarMaladydonado is harrying him all the way but the other personality – the fast bloke – is suddenly replaced by the naughty one. The naughty one is the one that lacks judgement, gets too excited and does thngs like leaving the track. Which he did in a scary shower of fragmented carbon fibre and pinball wizard bounce around, coming to rest after a hefty head on thump into the armco.
So, Gentle Buttman wins. Fettlespeltvettel comes in second and Hamburgerman takes the last step of the podium. Webbedfoot, Notsoslow, Kobybashi, Rekomingone, Pérezooma, Rickyhard-do and Take-a-Di Resta grabbed the rest of the point scoring top ten positions.
So there it was, round one of 2012 done and dusted down under. Strewth, blue!
Alternative race reports:

"Not a bad race, set my alarm up, went to bed at 3am, alarm went off, I thought I got up, woke up at 8 o'clock asking myself why am I here?! So had watch the race at 1am last night as I went to work, but I have to say, Sky's extra 30 minutes before and after the show is pointless."

"Maldonado I have to say drove very very well, and I think for me he's in contention of driver of the weekend."

"Alonso is just like a dog with rabies...always dangerous"

"I thought fair dinkum (Webber) raced pretty well today, for once it wasn't him bumping into cars."

"It may be strange to see, but for the first time since Abu Dhabi 2010 someone other than Sebastian Vettel is top of the Championship after Jenson Button won the Australian Grand Prix in commanding fashion..."

"... the Australian Grand Prix raised more questions than it did provide answers, the only thing that we learned was that the not quite so new teams are still as bad as they were last season ..."

For Galahad's excellent circuit write up, see here

Rad Booton, Rootersport8-)


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 12 – for one more weekend in March, 2012 –.....................................Page 1
Round Two of The Fix It Anyway Formula Wonderful World’s Fastest Blokes and World’s Bestest Car Building Blokes Championships
Sebprang, Rainy Days in Malaise-ia
Editorial – Tellie Fenderman (Ed)

The truckers, technicians, public relations, cleaning, cooking and washing up personnel have had no rest since Melba-bourne. The Formula Wonderful circus has headed straight to Malaise-ia for round two. The airwaves and interweb have been choked with stories of Lewisham Hamburgerman’s alleged Melba-bourne choke. Buttman’s victory is overshadowed by the “my bloke was/is better than your bloke” sand-in-face-kicking vitriol.

Well, The Malaise-ia Grand Prix 2012 will be a different affair. A glum visage sported by Hamburgerman on the third step of the podium in Melba-bourne betrayed his disappointment in his own performance and the whirring of inner-mind-brain-cell-and neurone-working-revenge-plotting. Furthermore, our weatherman, Jos The Boss, predicts an unsettled weekend with Sunday beset by showers. When Jos reports “showers” he secretly, inside himself, is thinking “heavy stuff, easing and threatening for maximum disruptive effect”. Predicting a safety car and red flag scenario confirms that that is in his mind.

As usual, we deprived Rad Booton of sleep and dispatched him urgently to Sebprang so that he may witness events on our behalf. And so he did. Dear reader, read on ...

Sebprang – The Qualyfighting Review

Rootersport’s Rad Booton reports from Malaise-ia .... Whoo-hoo!!!
Qualyfighting – The Big Bits

Lewisham Hamburgerman looks good for this one having dominated free practise sessions one and two. Was he sand-bagging in FP3? We were to see. In Qualyifighting 1, chalking up a time for his entry to Q2, he left everyone else to sort themselves out and had a kip whilst his engineers sorted out a front brake problem that nearly wiped out his challenge.

Meanwhile the Fewwawi and Wed Booll pilots stwuggled to fight off the Mercator Projected’s of Herr’s Shoemaker and Rosicrucianberg. Surge-on Perezooma, returnee Kimmy Rekomingone and Maladydonado all looked threatening. By the end of Q1 the flunkies were Ver(g)ne, Kosylinen, Petrol, O’Glock, Peekaboo, delay Rosier and KartsarebetterforhimthanF1cars.
Qualyfighting 2, although tense, is relatively uneventful apart, perhaps, from aminor excursion to the gravel for Maladydonado who joined the other Q2 rejectees Messup, Sienna, Direst, Rick-hard-do, Hulkenbergairship, and Kobybashi.

Lewisham Hamburgerman re-emerges in the dust-off posting his bench mark fastest time on his first flying lap. As in Melba-bourne it is a time that remains unbeaten and thus guarantees his pole position for Sunday’s race. Conversly it is a late last chance dash for Buttman to secure numero dos on the grid.

Herr Shoemaker outdrove his fellow Deutschlander team-mate, Rosicrucianberg by five places to take third spot. Webbedfoot plonked himself in fourth two spots ahead of his buddy Fettlespeltvettel.

Kimmy did an excellent number to grab fifth. It occurs to me that his retirement to run around in rally cars was much better preparation for a return to Formula Wonderful than Herr Shoemaker’s foray on two wheels. Kimmy has shown thus far that he is back in F-won whilst it has taken The Prussian until this season to warm up. Kimmy’s demeanour on and off track belie his wonderfulness.

Again, Grossjeans qualifies well in seventh on his way to redemption from his dismal first season and his misfortunes in round one. Notsoslow languishes in ninth having left Messup behind in Q2 and Perezooma scraped in, in a less than satisfying tenth.

Kimmy is relegated five places on the grid because his pit-blokes had to swap out his gearbox. Thus we are set for an interesting crazy mixed up race for Sunday.

In Other News

There is a clause in the small print of GB’s MacLawrence contract – Clause 4, which states:

“To get the best performance from Gentle Buttman, MacLawrence will take all reasonable and possibly some unreasonable steps to ensure that Gentle feels a) loved at each race weekend; b) is first to be congratulated by Marwash Whitmunch (or other team manager as may be the case if MW is absent or replaced) in interviews with The Media, especially in F1 forums; c) empowered to make decisions, and made to feel that his opinions are valued, particularly with regard to choices involving rubber (Note 2.2); and d) excuses for failures, mishaps, misdeeds or mistakes on the part of Gentle Buttman shall in all communications be referred to as bad luck.”

Notes for Clause 4: Note 2.2. Whilst the parties of the first part and parties of all the other parts understand that there is 0% natural rubber in the composition of Formula Wonderful tyres, the parties of all parts agree and accept that the preferences of the aforementioned Gentle Buttman with regard to timng of Pit Stops and choices of race rubber shall be preferentially conferred over that of all other parties and in particular the party known as driver number two whether in fact or in deed driver number two proves to be a driver of another known or unknown numerical value.

Runours that Fellippy Messup may be replaced at Fewwawi before his contract runs out have gathered pace. Perezooma is in the frame following his performance thus far in 2012. A recent photograph leaked to Clip The Apex and Rootersport reveals that Mrs ExtremeNinja has been spotted testing for Fewwawi.

Mrs Speedy ExtremeNinja (Not to be confused in any negative sort of way with
Sebine Schmidt ) seen trying to hide her Fewwawi test car in a
top secret location in a London suburb.

Photo courtesy of Mrs.Ninja's grandson son ExtremeNinja

Rad Booton, Rootersport 8-)

Weather Report from Rooters Weather Expert, Jos The Boss:

We are looking for the wet race, actually it's all wet weekend first signs. This is all Malaysia local time, and the race starts at 1600 local time. Wet race, wet qually beware of all predictions! Also it is currently raining there!

How close will Jos be this weekend? Close enough for use. We’re not bothered.

Coming up on page 2 – Sebprang, Rainy Days in Malaise-ia – The Race Review


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 12 – for one more weekend in March, 2012 –.....................................Page 2
Round Two of The Fix It Anyway Formula Wonderful World’s Fastest Blokes and World’s Bestest Car Building Blokes Championships
Sebprang, Rainy Days in Malaise-ia

The Race Review

The Start

The grid forms up with most Formula Wonderful chaps on intermediates for a damp and sprayful start. Lewisham Hamburgerman has his clutch well-sorted this week and much to Gentle Buttman’s chagrin fails to fluff his start. The two Mclawrences lead the pack through turn one. Romanesque Grossjeans does the opposite to what he did in Oz and leaps through to third where he hopes to stay but doesn’t...
... Mike The Prussian Shoemaker dances the tango with him :oops: and when things shake out they are in eighteenth and thirteenth respectively. Doh.

As a result Markofzorro Webbedfoot nabs third, Seb Winfinger Fettlespeltvettel grabs fourth with Ferrariando Notsoslow following in fifth and Nic Rosicrucianberg in sixth. By lap two one of the rain showers predicted by Jos The Boss dumps itself on the track :goodday: . Not long thereafter Grossjeans bails out into the gravel :tumbleweed: , another race down the drain after early promise. The other blokes dive into their boxes for full wet boots.

Hamburgerman, Webbedfoot, Fettlespeltvettel, Rosicrucianberg and The Prussian were last to box for the full Monty rain tyre as the realisation dawned that they were now the slow chaps. Hamburgerman and Buttman retain their one-two after the stops but Surgedoutofnowheretobethereinthird Perezooma has appeared, as if by magic, into third:cheer:.

Into lap seven and Burnt Maylandiftherunwayisvisible took the lead of the race in his Mercator Projected Very Fast Saloon Car. Hamburgerman dutifully follows with Buttman, Surge-on Perezooma, Webbedfoot and everybody else. Kartsarebetterforhim Has made it up to tenth because he alone started the race on the full wet boots.

I don’t know if anything happened next because we lost all the electrics in pit lane, where I was pretending to be for this race although, in reality, I was physically at home whilst my mind was astroprojectedly where I was pretending to be ... in reality.:dizzy:

The Stop

Formula Wonderful racecars are designed like upside down aircraft and sometimes, at a glance look like upside down boats. Unfortunately, they can’t fly like aircraft and don’t traverse water in a controlled fashion like boats. The red flags came out and Race Control informed pit lane, who informed their pilots, that the race was not red flagged and then red flags were joined by red lights whereupon Race Control informed pit lane, who informed their drivers, that the race has been red flagged so the racing blokes stopped.

Lining up in the order they were in, which was not a surprise and perfectly logical but the commentooters felt the need to tell us that the grid we could see forming was in fact made up of all the chaps lining up in the order that they were in ... anyway. Remarkable. After all, the commentooters remarked upon it.

The Restart

Fifty minutes of rain-sodden misery – for the racing blokes, not us – later, the blokes set off again behind Burnt Maylandhereventually and his sidekick in the Merc Touring Motor. Hamburgerman backed Buttman into the pack and the pack bunched up as Burnt pulled into pit lane. Holding the lead, Hamburgerman took off, figuratively speaking, leaving the rest of the chaps to duke it out. And duke it out they did.

The rules dictate that all the chaps must start behind the safety car on full wet boots. So it is no surprise, really, that as a lot of water has been shifted under the safety car, smart blokes box for inters by the end of the lap. Hamburgerman’s pit stop is a disaster. Leaving pit lane finds him behind Notsoslow and Buttman due to waiting for Messup before the lollipop lifts up. Metaphorically speaking as MacLawrence have adopted the Fewwawi style traffic light system.

Buttman’s woes magnify as he holds Hamburgerman off but accidentally butts Kartsarebetterforhim in the process. Buttman heads to the pits for a new wing and, for the rest of the race, seems to visit the pits more times than an incontinent man visits the toilet. Whingeing all the way: “I’ve got no grip.” Aah, diddums.

INTERMISSION :bored::sleeping:

Auntie Boob Watch :o

Two races into 2012 and Auntie Boob’s production team have been doing outstanding work making the best of a bad job. Following the sell out of Formula Wonderful to the megalomaniacal, empire building, media mogul Rupert Notacuddlybear Mudrock’s BskyBYD (Buy Sky Before You Die) media monopoly .... (gulp another big breath of Mummy Earth’s wonderful air before reading the next bit) ... the BBC team have worked their proverbial nuts and boobs off to bring us extended highlights of the races in Melba-bourne and Malaise-ia.

Against all odds and much to our pleasant surprise they have provided acceptable coverage with equally surprising continuity. Most impressive is the incorporation of alternative footage not seen in the live feed from BSkyBYD. Let us hope that the good stuff continues. Our only misgiving is the over-excited commentary style of Bendyoureardrumsoff Edwardness. Cool it mate, you are not Murraymint Missedalot Walkingfoot (that chap we never thought we’d miss very much, but do. Well some of us anyway). A little calm and variation in intensity, building along with the drama would be much more effective and less damaging to the tweeters in my Hi-Fi. Thanks.

Rad Booton, Rootersport 8-)

Coming up on page 3 – Sebprang, Rainy Days in Malaise-ia – The Race Review: The Exciting Bit That Was In The Middle and The End


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Issue No. 12 – for one more weekend in March, 2012 –.....................................Page 3

Round Two of The Fix It Anyway Formula Wonderful World’s Fastest Blokes and World’s Bestest Car Building Blokes Championships
Sebprang, Rainy Days in Malaise-ia

The Race Review Part Two

The Exciting Bit That Was In The Middle (and the mystery of Hamburgerman’s lost time)

The Recap

Oh, crikey! Where do I begin., hmm, where were we? Oh, yes the chaps have restarted with Notsoslow and Fettlespeltvettel progressing rapidly through the field. The pit-srop bunfighting has concluded with Hamburgerman losing out to Perezooma (who has for a while inherited the lead because he was on the right boots already), Notsoslow (whose buddy Messup managed for the first time this season to impede Hamburgerman) and Buttman (who has reaped the benefit of having, again, first call on the pit).

Buttman who had split for the pit before even starting the restart lap, has had his bump into the momentarily jubilant tenth placed Kartsreallywouldbeabetterplaceforthispoorbloke and Webbedfoot has ignominiously been passed by the lead Fewwawi and his Red Booll team-bro’. Now read on ...

Going back to lap twelve, I think it was, Fellippy Messup seemed to be resurging by overtaking newby Jules Ver(g)ne. I mention this because I will again be disparaging later and wish to maintain some kind of balance. Oh, and on the subject of balance, Buttman’s “slight mistake” fails to elicit the penalty and humiliation that his team-mate would most certainly have been subjected to had it been he and not him.

As an aside I should, or should not, but will point out that his team-mate made one mistake entering his box. About four inches. It looked like more to those who failed to notice the car rolled forward another eight when dropped from the jack. Considering the state of his thread-bare intermediates on entry, I personally find it remarkable that he could stop any earlier than the Fewwawi pit, but that’s just my opinion as a mere mortal. It is interesting that this incident seems to have captivated many minds rather than the fact that this and two other Hamburgerman’s pit-stops were botched to greater or lesser degree ... by his pit-blokes. That part of the “lost time mystery” for me is solved.

Lots of good exciting stuff went down in the middle bit. So much so that I have felt the need to watch Auntie Boob’s edited highlights over and over again. In between times I have read various CTA threads over and over again. For I have been trying to get to the root of the mysterious success of the Fewwawi alleged dog of a car, and fluncture of the MacLawrence alleged superior car.

The Wisdom of the Ancients

At this point, I am reminded of the wise words of one Jackinthebox Stewheart, three times Worlds fastest Blokes Champion: “One’s objective should be to win the race at the slowest possible speed” (or words to that effect) meaning that having got into the position to win, one should nurse the car to ensure completing the race distance. Granted this was in an age when retirements due to mechanical failure were the norm rather than the rarity but it surely applies equally to racing in dire and inclement conditions.

This I believe accounts for a part of Notsoslow’s success since his Fewwawi is not so fast. Clearly the MacLawrence is a fast car in the dry but, if Buttman’s grumbles are anything to go by, crap in the wet. This, methinks, is another fragment of the solution to the “lost time mystery”.

The Exciting Bit That Was in The Middle (Sorry to keep you waiting)

Rick-hard-do does a round-the-outside-in-one-duff-up of Kobybashi and Sienna. Notsoslow sets fastest laps. Fettlespeltvettel gives the metaphorical finger to Rosicrucianberg with his Drag Race Slot. Rekomingone passes Rosicrucianberg next time round with Webbedfoot next to chase down the dejected Mercator Projected pilot.

Buttman boxes whingeing about his boots. They weren’t very old and he gets a new set of the same. Hmm. Webbedfoot takes Rosicrucianberg while Sienna passes Shoemaker. The Mercator Projected cars are slipping back with lack of grip. The Rear Wing Drag Reduction System Activated Front Wing Drag Reduction System F-Duct appears to be useless in these conditions. The car is crap and no amount of complicated acronyms are going to help it out today. Direst and Ver(g)ne get revenge on Messup as he outbrakes himself on lap twentysix and loses another spot shortly thereafter to Burnt Sienna. He boxes for new boots.

Lap twenty nine sees Notsoslow lead Surge-on Pérezooma by seven and a half seconds. Hamburgerman is seven seconds further back, then Fettlespeltvettel, Rekomingone, Webbedfoot, Direst, Ver(g)ne, Sienna and Hulkenbergairship making up the top ten. Suddenly, Buttman beats Notsoslow's fastest lap by half a second. Where did that come from?!!:o:thinking:

Pérezooma and Notsoslow trade a couple of fastest laps until the Swabber gets the upper hand and inexorably reels in the Fewwawi. Everyone, the commentooters, peep’s on pitwall, peep’s in the grandstands and peep’s at home watch in wonderment. It’s like one of those Yankee feel-good-coming-of-age-race-driver-from the-disadvantaged- back-street-background-coming-good-against-all-odds-to-win-movie. You couldn’t make it up. Slyvester Stallion tried it with “Drivel” and got nowhere near this drama.

At the back, Buttman is creeping up and Messup is creeping down. Rick-hard-do boxes for slicks and everyone on pit wall watches his lap time. Fingers hover over the comm’s buttons in readiness to instruct their fast blokes to box for the dry’s. Dannyboy’s time is quicker by a country mile and it’s a no brainer to box for slicks even though warnings of impending droplets have been heard. Auntie Boob’s commentooters go into apoplexy as Buttman has pitted but Hamburgerman continues. “WHY???” they scream. The tweeters in my Hi-Fi really can’t take much more of this. Will this drive me to subscribe to Sky? Dear God, NO! .. but maybe ..:censored:

I digress. Here-in is another fragment of the “lost time mystery” as Hamburgerman finally pits (late) and suffers a slow stop thanks to inefficient sticky tape removal.

Buttman and Webbedfoot have both been in and Pérezooma has Notsoslow inside the DRS detection range when Notsoslow sneakily boxes for a set of the option boot, escaping the humiliation of being passed by a Swabber. Pérezooma boxes a lap later for the harder prime. Some folk’s thought this might have been a mistake but soon Pérezooma thunders round the track nearly a second and a half quicker than Notsoslow. All eyes are on this battle. Except ours because the footage producer is busy watching all the other stuff which I will hereafter ignore.

Oh, except for Fettlespeltvettel copping a slashed rear left making a good pass go clumsy on Kartsarebetterforthismanseriously. He compounds his problems with an amateurish hack back to the pits with rubber flailing the bodywork. Later he and his boss talk a load of hypocritical crap and have succeeded in trashing any respect I had for the both of them. The Stew-hards then, lacking any transgressions by the other black fast bloke with which to set forums alight with controversy, penalise the similarly dark skinned No-rain-no-pain for being there at the time.

The End

Meanwhile Pérezooma charges again into DiRiSible range of Notsoslow but lo! What’s this? A nice little radio message just in time to upset a remarkably decent rhythm leading to a minor excursion off-track through one of the huge run-off areas without any gravel which, coincidentally, enables a continued charge whilst maintaining the objective of “keeping this position” . So remarkable that the conspiracy theory (or is it?) begins s Pérezooma loses a bundle of seconds on Notsoslow. Commentooters voice the conspiracy suspicions that lurk in the mind. A Fewwawi school dwiver in a Swabber powered by Fewwawi.

Hmm. Using BabelfishGoogleBing Translator I got this “You need Messup’s Fewwawi seat and we need a Fewwawi lump behind your ass. Feign an off at turn 13. FIFTY. Do you understand this message.” Ah, I thought, in true Fewwawi tradition and custom and practise. Perfectly understandable.

Maladydonado’s last lap curse strikes again. Having made it up to tenth this time out, his Renal engine puffs blue smoke and he’s pulled out of the race. The drama continues for Fettlespelvettel as he hears (or does he?) ominous, urgent cries over the radio, ”Box, box, box. Retire the car, retire the car!” Then, confusingly, “Stay out, Stay out!” and then, befuddlingly further still, “Stop the car! Stop the car! Emergency, emergency! Stop the car!” Which he does ... eventually, at the end. Chrismultitruth Hornedmanager, inteviewed later, tells us Seb’s radio wasn’t working and he couldn’t hear anything. Hmm.

Finally ...

Notsoslow can’t believe his luck. All weekend his Fewwawi promised to disappoint but MacLawrence threw a bone and Ferrariando grabbed it with both jaws and carried it over the line to take the checquered flag. Perezooma took a more than well earned second place instead of his deserved first and Hamburgerman made it to third in spite of his teams best efforts to cock his race up.

Talking of the Radio Communications ...

Alternative Race reviews here:

“Surgio, Fernando is in front of you, do you understand ”
“Brilliant drive from Alonso, Perez could have had him though and knows it”
“Vettel might have lost his 'magic boost' advantage due to the new regs, but Webber is not necessarily matching him ... “
“Button though, was leading the race (effectively) and in control and the error was more amateurish than anything Lewis did last season”
“An exceptional drive by Alonso today. Quick and error-free in a car that has looked a handful in the dry ...”
“Senna drove very well to recover after yet another collision - so well done to him. Did anyone else see Maldonado completely cock up a pit stop by missing his box, and having to go around again?”
“ What on earth was happening with Sebastian's team radio on the last lap?”
“The great pity will be if Alonso's victory is remembered for the victory that wasn't and the naivety of Sauber's ambiguous - but definitely misjudged - radio message to Sergio Perez shortly before the young Mexican fell off the track in gutwrenching fashion.”
“... F1 is such a murky business that Perez might have gained more by losing the victory he ought to have secured than he would have garnered with the real thing. There is no better result, after all, than the one which leaves everyone happy ...”
“Hamilton's lead of the race was lost at his first stop when a combination of misjudged entrance and delayed exit - on account of Ferrari pitting both their drivers simultaneously - meant Alonso returned to the track ahead of both McLarens. One lap later, Perez pitted and returned in front of the McLaren - in effect, and somewhat ironically, benefiting from Massa's roadblock to get the jump on the unfortunate Hamilton.”
Pete Gill writes in the style of Rad Booton but for
Good ... and cheeky

... and Analysis here:
"So hats off to Mr Alonso on his win on Sunday. Very Alonso like he got himself in front and didn't crack when he was being chased down and brought it home."
"His old mate Lewis Hamilton faces a season of anticipation from the F1 world."
"... Jenson too can be seen as being weighed down with the same burden of 'best car syndrome' as well as the whole you only won the title because you had the best car thing."
".. Mr Vettel now finds himself in a situation where his car is not quite the fastest and he has to lead them back to the front for the first time in his career add to that the constant media analysis of him trying to prove he only won because of his equiptment ..."

Rad Booton, Rootersport 8-)


Rooters Reporter
ROOTERSPORT - Other Stuff To Watch This Weekend Special Issue
5th/6th May 2012
As promised here are some other motorsports to watch.
Today - Saturday:
6 Hours of Spa FIA World Endurance Championship from Spa, Belgium
Watch it now on the web:
At the time of writing there is another 3 hours and 25 minutes to run.​
Tomorrow - Sunday:
World Touring Cars Championship (including Auto GP) - Hungaroring, Budapest, Hungary - watch on Eurosport
MotoGP - Estoril, Portugal - watch it on Eurosport and on BBC2 (and Red Button)
World Superbikes - Monza, Italy - watch on Eurosport 2
BritishSuperbikes - Oulton Park, UK - watch on Eurosport 2
Rad Booton, Rootersport 8-)


Rooters Reporter
Oh No Another Issue of ROOTERSPORT NEWS – May 2012
Monaco – The Annual Follow My Leader Championship – Special
Page one of however many we can be bothered to write this weekend

Editorial – Tellie Fenderman (Ed)

Monaco. Thought by some to be an anachronism in the twenty-first century but by others it is the jewel in the crown that is Formula One. The narrow street circuit is made even more so by the confines of the Armco Barriers and punch-bag crash protection. To compound the difficulties of the automotive gladiators, the track goes up and down with changes of elevation that seem to elude the minds of modern track designers like Herman ‘The Man’ Tilkybloke. With the current car designs incorporating high cockpit sides and the new ‘stepped’ beaks, drivers like Gentle Buttman have been heard to complain that they can’t see where TF they’re going. This augers well for the F1 fan who may just get some entertainment from what is usually somewhat of a procession.

“Hang on, though ...” I hear you say “... what’s Rootersport doing writing about Monaco when it couldn’t be arsed to cover the last three races?” Well, we asked ourselves the same question. The simple answer is that when we travelled forward in time to cover the 2112 Season we find that when we return the folk’s we’ve left behind have been getting on with their lives and we’re months out of synchronisation. We can all see billions of years into the past using enormous telescopes on mountain tops or floating out in space but we can’t go there. With our current Time Travel Technology (TTT) we can only get back to an approximation of where we started out from.

So apologies to all those who may have wanted to read Rootersport’s take on what has happened to date, you will have to make do with the rather excellent pieces by MCLS, Slyboogy and others, dotted about the hallowed pages of Clip The Apex. Meanwhile, Rad Booton is back from somewhere to follow this weekends action at the Rich Folk’s Principality, hereinafter referred to as the RFP.

So read on and enjoy. After all, you never know when, or if, we will ever come back to give you any more of our fantastic groundbreaking coverage.

Monaco Race Weekend 2012 – Free Practise Review

Hey! I’m back! Hope you missed me but I don’t think you did. No baying for blood because our eponymous rag has been missing from the middle shelf in WH Smith’s. No cries of where TF is Rad? To say that I am disappointed at not having any fans is an understatement. Obviously I am doing something wrong. Maybe it’s my old fashioned style, with long sentences and big paragraphs, unsuited to today’s ‘Blipvert’ society. Well I’m sorry!

But I am adaptable. That is because I am a fictional character who can be remodelled at the whim of Fenderman to fit any gig or circumstance. There’s an old saying that he made up a couple of minutes ago, which says “If you wait around long enough, you get exactly what you asked for.” I would add, and indeed I am adding, “... even if you didn’t actually ask.”

So here it comes a weekend of suitably ‘Blipverted’ reviews.

Free Practise One

So what happened in FP1 and can we learn anything from it? Well the fast blokes drove around a bit.

A few of the blokes got bored and wondered what the inside of the little escape roads look like. They were probably disappointed. After all, from where they sit all they can see is Armco and bumper-bags. The escape cul-de-sac’s look exactly the same.

However, the fans can see hills, cliffs and rocky outcrops, luxury yachts, extremely fashionably dressed men and women dripping with expensive stuff, the sea, the beach, a casino, hotels (pronounced ‘Otel’ by the locals) and very attractive seaside properties. Interesting.

Meanwhile, Kimi Recomingone wanted his steering geometry changed. He sat out the session whilst someone fetched a protractor and compass set from Blighty. He would have it in time for FP2.

Mick ‘The Prussian’ Shoemaker scuffed and flat-spotted tyres and duffed up a front wing. Apparently that is due to the Mercator Projected’s have them sited very low and the Monaco kerbs are a bit high. Entertaining nevertheless.

Notsoslow went fastest at some point which meant that he was fastest at the end point which came early because of a bout of smog ...

WhattheHecki Kosylinen’s Cateringpram’s motor decided to fill the tunnel with smog so the session was red flagged with eight or nine minutes to go. The eight or nine minutes went and as we know the clock is not stopped in the FP’s so that was that.

Free Practise Two

The blokes got some dry running done. Notsoslow pumped out some fast laps to occupy the top slot. Briefly. Gentle Buttman spoilt his moment of chuffedness, followed by Gross Jeans and Messup filling the top three imaginary grid slots.

Cloudy skies and a light breeze headed in from the East where Italy is. The technophiles stared expectantly at their radar screens. Jos the Boss looked out of his window. All agreed and predicted rain from about 1pm. No idea what time it was but, lo, there was rain. The fast blokes took a breather, whilst the mechanics tinkered with anything they could think of to tinker with.

Kosylinen wiggled into the Mirror-Boo escape cul-de-sac, lost reverse and got stuck. Thankfully, he did not pump any more smog. At least he had a quiet moment to sit and consider this conundrum:

Lewis Hamilton is having dinner in a Hammersmith hotel hosted by Caterham (which is a small town in Surrey). Sliced pork, locally produced in Surrey, is on the menu but beef is not. Does that mean that Caterham were catering for Hamilton, aka The Ham, in a Hammersmith hotel, serving him home grown ham from Caterham not from Hammersmith and not a hamburger from somewhere else, like Hampton Court? Dunno. Maybe.

I digress, but that’s no worse than being treated to still photography purporting to be very interesting and beautiful slow motion replays. That wouldn’t be so bad were it not for the fact that this season's F1 cars are butt ugly. Or should that be nose ugly?

There, exciting wasn’t it.

Rad Booton, Reporteur. Rootersport (a division of something larger that can be divided into smaller parts, Inc.)8-)


Rooters Reporter
Oh No Another Issue of ROOTERSPORT NEWS – May 2012
Monaco – The Annual Follow My Leader Championship
Page two of the two we could be bothered to write this weekend
Special Guest Writer Issue

Editorial – Tellie Fenderman (Ed)

After this weekend's race and the usual and predictable anti-praise of the punters and fans, Rootersport staff hung their heads in disappointment and despair. What were we to write about? What was there to parody apart from Gentle "The Sudden Slug" Buttman's performance? Uninspired, Fenderman sat back and read post after post on the venerable interweb forum "Clip the Attitude". Finally, we came across a race review by one of our most esteemed fellow forumers, Slyboogy. So impressed were we that we have given over this issue to Sly', as Fenderman fondly refers to him, and his wonderful piece. If you have not already read it in his original post, here it is in its entirety.

This is a first for ROOTERSPORT and may well herald a new direction, injecting new spirit, determination and, most of all, content into our eponymous rag. Read on and enjoy.

THE RACE - Monaco Monotony, The Hypnotic Beat of the Metronome Goes On

Well being delighted that Schumacher got pole position, I was however disappointed by the race. After work, I stayed up to watch the race up until 3am, and I can't say it was really worth it.

The only action that happened was the first lap, and then the battle between Kovalainen, Perez and Button.

The teams were "weather-watching" which I think contributed to the race being boring and even more processional, the only change from the positions we saw where from those starting on softs, jumping those on super softs, and Alonso putting in some awesome laps just before his pit stop to get past Hamilton.

I do however, think that Alonso should have got a penalty for the start, he was more to blame than Grosjean, as he moves across him barging his way through.

I can't really comment much about what drivers did well since they were all a bit "meh" due to the procession. Although, I do think Hulkenberg deserved more of a result, he was beating his team-mate all weekend, but due to the train of cars, Di Resta caught him and a few other cars up and was able to jump them during the stops as he was on the soft compound rather than the super soft. That must feel like a real blow to Hulkenberg as he drove really really well.

Webber was alright, he had the race pretty much won as he inherited pole, I'm not sure whether it was a controlled race from him or not like he mentions, as Rosberg and Alonso did look faster than him all through the grand prix.

Rosberg did well, hassling Webber for the whole grand prix, probably should have pitted one lap earlier as I think he would have got the jump on Webber, but then Red Bull would have probably pitted Webbed-feet one lap earlier aswell.

Alonso was just his usual self, although in my opinion should have got a penalty for the start, but was lucky to get away with it, that was dangerous, and I could see it evolving straight away on the first lap when they came down to turn 1 when I first witnessed it. I don't think his or Massa's qualifying laps were great, and I think they both probably could have achieved more.

Vettel was interesting, if he didn't get held up as much, he probably could have won the race or at least been on the podium, but like Di Resta, was a bit lucky that the cars on the faster tyre were a bit slow and building a train of cars making it easier for him to catch up and pass others during the pits.

5th was the best Hamilton was going to get, seems as if they've got a great qualifying car, but in the race, a bit behind others, but Canada really should suit them and Mercedes. Plus, he also nearly got assassinated by Massa's pitboard guy LOL

Best race for Massa yet, looked faster in the first stint compared to Alonso, right up his gearbox for several laps, which probably ruined his tyres, was left out 1-3 laps too late, could have got infront of Hamilton.

Boring race for Di Resta, quite lucky how his strategy worked out again, just like in Bahrain, solid points for Force India, when none of their rivals around them scored points, apart from Williams, who only got 1.

I thought Hulkenberg was the one to watch this weekend from the midfield, ran well, and was unlucky how things panned out for him compared to his team-mate, highest he probably could have achieved was 7th.

Raikkonen wasn't very good all weekend, missing practice one hurt him since practice two was rained off? Maybe, it was meant to be one of Lotus's weakest tracks on the calendar, and it showed, instead of keeping him for "5 more laps" and then again "just 5 more laps for rain stay out", they should have pitted him earlier, probably what cost him a higher finish.

Senna was anonymous, with Kobayashi, Schumacher, Grosjean, his team-mate getting the 10th place grid drop and Perez starting at the back, points was always on the cards for him.

Perez had the most eventful race, compared to the others, he was on a rollercoaster ride, while everyone else where playing golf, somehow managed to get himself in 11th, while Button couldn't.

Just when you thought young Vergne was putting in a solid performance for 7th, he pitted for intermediates, everyone was thinking....WHAT??!! :shocked: But having run the soft tyre twice, it was a gamble, a gamble that didn't pay off, probably would have finished ahead of Ricciardo again.

Kovalainen might have been runnning well, but he only finished 13th ahead of Glock and Khartikeyan, his pace was with the front runners though, frustrated Button a lot.

Button was terrible through the whole weekend, 2 races in a row where he's been put in the shade by some margin by his team-mate. He really needs to pick it up if he wants to win the championship, 31 points behind the leader now after 4 poor races though musn't seem too bad for him.

Now to the pensioner! Pole position, dropped to 6th due to a penalty, had a great start, only for it to be nullified by getting hit by Grosjean, his car really should have been ready for retirement after that big whack, but he managed to continue on with no problems whatsoever, until, the mechanical gremlins came in. Deserved better, he looked very quick in clean air, and could have been in the battle at the front towards the end.

6 different winners out of 6 races, with 3 drivers (Hamilton, Raikkonen, and Schumacher) without a win threatening for victory aswell, could we see 9 different winners this season? Who would have thought Webber would have won a race? Especially this early on in the season.

Another race where we were promised rain and it never came, oh how this race needed that rain, to add to the disappointment and anger, it rained 15 minutes after the race ended. :(

Just hope for a better race in Canada.


Guest writer for Rootersport :p
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