The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Adam Parr
To: Rubens Barrichello

Mr Barrichello,

I'm delighted to hear you got an e-mail from Frank the entirely unrelated people of Prudential Life about your retirement. However, I would be delighted to offer you an opportunity to remain with Williams F1 for the forseeable future.

All you need to do is attract a set of sponsors at greater than the value of the contracts we currently have with almost every company in Venuzuela and you could pay to drive a Williams-Renault next year.

Bring enough money in, and we could de-ice a competitive Finnish team-mate so you can set his car up, as I have been advised is your speciality by a Mr. Brawn.

Thanks,

Adam

PS. Venezuela is quite rich, so I suggest you give this 110%!

 

[RasputinLives]

Bruno + Lewis

Neither of you are the new Senna coz I is the new Senna. Blue yellow helmet, back to back world championships, moody as hell, complete control over my team-mate, always accused of cheating and the British Press and race fans hate me with such a passion that the only way they'll ever praise me and call me great is if I die in the cockpit.

Jenson Button is my Prost - Lewis you can be Nigel Mansell if you grow a tache. Bruno - you are Mauricio Gugelmin

Eat my Sennaness losers!

Fernando.

 

[Slyboogy]

Dear Fernando,

Gastone Mazzacane is faster than you, do you understand the message?

P.S do everyone a favour and shave off those hideous eyebrows which you think are fashionable!

Mr.Unknown

 

[FB]

From: John Edward
To: Anyone and everyone

I have been in touch with Ayrton (he said "call me Ayrton") from the other side and he believes the one know as "Moose" is the new Ayrton Senna in Grand Prix racing. I have no idea what this means but thought I should share this message with those who may be able to decipher it.

Yours earnestly

John

p.s. Please contact me for private readings at https://www.johnedward.net/
p.p.s. Catch Crossing Over on Sky Channel 146. It's brill!

 

[Jos the Boss]

Fernando

Totally uncool man, this is frickin ridiculous. We had an agreement back in 2007 you know when you held me up in Hungary? I am Senna totally so don't try changing now Prost. Hey bruno you can be Gaston.

Lewis

 

[Slyboogy]

Louise,

You are no Senna, because you can't take the chick-anes the way I do, you can be Senna all you want if your definition of Senna is crashing every second raace, while I chase down people play mind games and tell the whole world that "I give up! I give up", I do give up, I give up on telleeng the world on how your driving is like Andrea de Cesaris.

I do however have to thank you on how you keep crashing into Felipey as it just makes me look better!

P.SMy eyebrows say "hi", I know how much they haunt you

The most complete driver on the grid

 

[Jen]

From; Hill, Graham
To: All the chaps

Now look chaps, I've come across John Edward and, to be honest, he is not all he's cracked up to be - I can email without his help, make of it what you will!

I've been watching all these shenanigans since 1975 and I can tell you that Senna was just OK - 3 WDCs is nothing up here - and Ayrton will agree with me, as we have become firm friends in the interim.

We both know who is the most Sennaesque but are not allowed to tell you - it would break the code apparently.

I may yet get back to you with further information.

Yours

Graham

 

[Jos the Boss]

From: Damon Hill
To: Graham Hill

Hey dad can you ask Giles how much a disgrace Jaques is? I would think alot. Also I have a bet with Murray, I was better than you right? £10 says I am while Murray says you are.

Thanks Dad

Damon

 

[Jen]

To: Damon, dear boy
From: Papa

Murray is right of course and once he joins us I will buy him a drink.

X

 

[Jos the Boss]

To: Graham
From: Damon

But but but daddy? I hate you i hate you i hate yoooooooooooooooooooooooou

 

[Slyboogy]

To: Damon
From: Dad

Now now son, don't be like that. The quicker you get to learn the truth the better your life will be! Run along and be a good boy now! Daddy loves you

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Senna, Ayrton
To: Hamilton, Lewis; Alonso, Fernando; Senna, Bruno; Mazzacane, Gaston
Sub: Who is the most Sennaesque

Lowlifes,

I have been asked many times who is the most Sennaesque person.

I am Senna.

Now, I must return to James Hunt's celestial harem.

Yours,

Senna

 

[Jen]

From: Hill, Graham
To: Senna, Ayrton

Bugger, you didn't tell me about the harems

G

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Senna, Ayrton
To: Hunt, James

Jimmy,

Hill's wanting to know about the harems. Also, I think he's hacked my e-mail.

Also, Ronnie says you've got to stop going on about Riccardo Patrese, he says he's still getting loads of awkward questions from all the Italians.

Senna

 

[Jos the Boss]

From: James Hunt
To: Ayrton Senna, Graham Hill

Let Graham know about the Harems, he does have a moustache unlike that idiot Patrese, couldn't do anything right. Hope he gets the surrey docks, Blimey! i 'ate 'im. Nuff said, yeah?

Hunt the Shunt

 

[FB]

From: Michele Alboreto
To: All other deceased F1 Drivers

Chiao!

(with due credit to Eddie Izzard)

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Reaper, Grim
To: Senna, Ayrton; Hill, Graham
Subject: The Code

Ayrton, Graham

We, at the Association of Maintaining the Code of Death ("AMCD") are very keen on Maintaining the Code which you had to sign on your accession to this immortal realm.

So, it is up to us to refer you to Item (1)(a) of the Code of Death.

Members of the AMCD are required to refrain from communicating in any way with the alive, whether through mediums, Ouija boards or hauntings.

We would like to remind you that the Sanctity of Death must always be maintained, or mass suicides followed by bureaucratic problems would occur.

Thanks guys,

Grim Reaper
Ferrier of the deceased,
Scourge of his Enemies,
CEO of the AMCD.

PS. Are you just upset Clark and Fangio keep beating you in the Celestial Drivers' Championships?

 

[Jen]

To: Reaper, Grim
From: Various deceased F1 racers

You can threaten us all you like with your petty rules and ridiculous edicts.

You have forgotten one thing - we are fearless racers. So, on your bike you pedestrian jobsworth.

See you in Hell

The chaps

 

[FB]

From: Ecclestone B
To: Reaper G

Still haven't caught me...

 

[Slyboogy]

From: Reaper, Grim
To: Ecclestone B

I can always make you smaller than you are now...