The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Mr Newey

Just a quick note from the Italian side of the industry to say that part one of our surprise marketing campaign is complete. After viewing CTA we have seen that nearly all its members have concluded that Sebastian Buemi does indeed look like a moose which means that your facial redesign is a complete success.

We will shorlty be starting phase 2 so if you could start working on the plans for the Alguersauri re-design. Let me remind you that the teeth need to be very big in order to match the american version of the animal. We hope to parade the new look at the Brazilian Grand Prix and hopefully with the right media coverage CTA members will leap on the fact that he will look like a Squirrel. Once this has been acheived we can then unveil our money spinning Rocky and Bullwinkle sponsorship. We here at Toro Rosso can't wait!

Ciao

Franz Tost

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Alguersuari, Jaime
To: Tost, Franz
Cc: Newey, Adrian; Mateschitz, Dieter; Coulthard, David; Berlusconi, Silvio
Subject: Is This Legal?

Franz,

The squirrel thing. Is this legal?

I mean, I've got a music career to consider and I'm not ready to be Squirrel. (Not DJ Squirrel, David!)
I copied the Prime Minister in for his opinion, so I hope you haven't offered him some of the girls at the factory as shut up money, I've not seen them for a while.

Anyway, I have serious discomfort about this.

Yours,

Squire

 

[Jos the Boss]

Dear Jaime

It's in the contract, read before you sign next time, you and Buemi are quite stupid but we'll convert you soon

Adrian

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Rob

Alright Smeders? Just a quick note to say fantastic job on operation 'wind-up'. Lewis is so wound up he's making Adrian Sutil wear a Massa mask and act as a punch bag. Telling Fellipe that Lewis has said the only good Brazilian is in Nicoles underwear obviously did the trick. Just before Japan why not tell him Lewis said the only Rio he can stand is by Duran Duran?

Quick note on Japan as well obviously in public I'll be defending Lewis to the hilt but if you could make sure Fellipe uses terms such as 'dangerous overtaking' 'defends too hard' and 'goes for gaps that aren't there' in the "why we all hate Hamilton" meeting then hopefully we can put him in the same mindset as Monza and he'll be easy meat for me again. If you could get him to say something along the lines of 'must go slower in qualifying' that would be absolutely perfect.

I'm really looking forward to working with you next year mate and just so you know you can call me Jensy-Babe all you like. If you could continue to keep telling Fernando stories about how I used to beat Rubens with a stick if he finished in front of me that would be great. I thought that story about me flushing Jacque Villleurneve's head down the toliet and threaterning before the start of the season was a master-stroke.

Take it easy mate

Jenson.

P.S: I think Martin may be on to us so make sure he's not around when you lend me that Italian cook book!

 

[Jen]

Jensy, babe

Nice to hear from you so quickly after the news broke, especially since you are in Japan with the 'in-laws'.

The illusion seems to be working well and everyone still thinks I'm Felipe's best buddy, but to be honest, I'm fed up with having to tell him how to drive the car and what to do next. It's time he earned his money and made sure I got my bonus by winning a few more points - that ain't going to happen, so the sooner he slings his hook the better. Then you and I can cosy up and get on with showing the world what a great team we can be.

I'm using the team radio to the best of my ability and I'm quite vocal and don't pick my words very carefully - 'do you understand', so rattling Felipe, Lewis and FOM for the rest of the season should be a piece of piss.

Roll on 2012

Your nbf, Smeders

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Massa, Felipe (baby)
To: Smedley, Rob
Subject: Reply!!!!!

Rob,

You haven't e-mailed me back for aaaaaaages!

Please reply!!!!!!!!!!

Felipe xx

 

[FB]

From: Rob Smedley
To: Felipe Massa

Dear Baby

Welcome to dumpsville, population you!

Rob

(With grateful thanks to Matt Groeing)

 

[teabagyokel]

INTERNAL MEMO

From: Massa, F
To: Smedley, R

Rob,

Think your e-mail's been hacked.

Felipe xxxx

 

[RasputinLives]

From: Smedley, R
To: Massa, F

Felipe,

Jenson is faster than you. Do you understand?

Rob.

 

[Jos the Boss]

Jensy ex-babe

I was having a wonder on your email and I noticed what you wrote to Rob. What is going on? After all we shared you feel the need to cheat on me? What about what happened in Monaco? The Red Flag situation just after the new chicane sorry I mean Nouvelle Chicane (haha easy mistake to make right?) In the blazing sun light and we shared that moment? Tell me that mean something to you, Please just once? And we used to share excuses about Lewis, is this the end for us?

Marty xxxxxxxxxxx

P.S Renault are still French.

 

[teabagyokel]

Bonjour Martin!

Nous ne sommes pas français

Danny Bahar

 

[cider_and_toast]

FM: HK@ thereallotus.ok.uk
TO: mike.gascgoyne@ therealloutus.ok.uk
CC: TonyF@ qprthisweekend.fc.uk

Dear Boss,

Having just escaped from the Village by the narrowest of margins I would like to report on some issues I’m currently experiencing within the team.
I first noticed that since we’ve renamed the cars “Caterham” every time I’ve driven it really quickly back in to the pits, got out and returned to the motorhome, I’ve been gassed by several gents wearing Mclaren overalls and each time I’ve woken up in a strange village in the middle of nowhere (or possibly Wales).

Each time it starts I shout “what do you want?” to which Mike Couglan always replies “Information”, I tell him he won’t get it but he says by hook or by crook he will. Apparently he knows where the village photocopier is.
I also keep hearing Massa calling out “Who is number 1? Who is number 1?” to which the voice of Stefano Domenicali always replies “you are number 2, you are number 2”. I must say it’s very strange.

The first time I attempted to escape I was chased across the sands by a very large white thing. I’m amazed at just how much of an improvement the HRT team have made to their car this season.

Thankfully, Mark Webber managed to contact the outside world with a message hidden in a can of Fosters and Alan Henry came flying to our rescue in exchange for worldwide book rights to our story.

All this has made me wonder if I’m going to sign again for next year.

Regards

Heikki

 

[teabagyokel]

[bg=#0000FF]Heikki,[/bg]
Just as a first question, has Jarno got out of the villiage? I'd be quite interested to know.
[bg=#0000FF]Second, we will get into the midfield next year.[/bg]
Mike says we will make up a second with our next upgrade.
[bg=#0000FF]And look, I want two race winners at this team, and there are only two I can afford.[/bg]
So please, stay, we didn't send you to the Villiage, so don't fret
[bg=#0000FF]Got to go, Joey is defecating in my office again, lovable scamp![/bg]
Tony

 

[Fenderman]

From:JD johndrake@ thedepartment.gov.ok
To:HK@ thereallotus.ok.uk, TonyF@ qprthisweekend.fc.uk, mike.gascgoyne@ therealloutus.ok.uk

Dear Chaps,

Thank you for corresponding via the unsecure Tally Ho network. I've been looking for my car since the unsatisfactory ending of my ground-breaking show. I know every nut and bolt on that car. I built it myself. I want it back.

I am not a number. I'm a free man!

Yours,

John

Fenderman's note: The Drake email address is a fake even though the computer thinks it isn't.

 

[RasputinLives]

From: Formula One Fathers Association (FOFA)
To: Jose Luis (Mr Alonso Snr)

Dear Mr Jose Luis

I'm writing to you on behalf of the Formula One Fathers Association (FOFA) and also on behalf of your son Fernando. After writing my recent article on how Lewis would do better in F1 if he had more support from his family Fernando approached me and told me you do not attend the Grand Prixs and that he believes this is why he has not won a championship since 2006. He asked me to extend an invitation to you to become a member of FOFA. Due to the high profile nature of your son, and the fact that Fernando tells us you're an expert Dominos player and we're failing pretty badly in the Wednesday night Dog and Hound Dominos pub League, I'm happy to extend this invitation to you.

FOFA are an organisation dedicated to world domination bringing family values into Formula One and steeling our son's spotlight and fame showing the path to a succesful sportsman begins at home. We do this by attempting to gain as much screen time during the coverage of the F1 weekend. If you do choose to become a member we have a guide (written by myself) on how to achieve this. There is no membership fee for FOFA but you are obliged to attend each GP.

The fun side of FOFA is the social events. We have many different events but our main social is on the Saturday night before the race we usually start off by sharing some of John Button's home-made wine before hitting the town. We leave the bar choice up to whoever managed to get the most screen time at the last GP we means each night is a new adventure. John Button is our champion so if its him more likely than not we end up at the local lapdance club but we have had some fabulous varied nights. Norbort Vettel doesn't speak a word of english but he took us out for a fabulous bavarian oompah night once which was only slightly soured by his insistance on comparing finger sizes. Alan Webber throws a fabulous BBQ although he takes after his son where the meat is concerned as he's slow to get it off the GRIDal. We also had an unforgetable night of Samba dancing with the grid girls in Singapore orgainsed by Luis Antonio Massa despite the outbreak of STD's within FOFA afterwards we all agreed it was worth it. This year we're also organising a winter retreat at Keke Rosberg's ski lodge which we're all very excited about. We're going to use the time to plan who are son's should partner and who they should avoid.

I hope this offer does interst you and the whole organisation would welcome you for a trial weekend in Japan and I'm sure Fernando would be please as punch to see you there standing in his reflective spot-light.

Kind Regards

Anthony Hamilton
President of FOFA

P.S: Its my social this weekend and I'm taking us for special Japanse massages followed by a Manga marathon!

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Michibata, Jessica
To: Button, John; Hamilton, Anthony
Subject: Re: Request

No chance you dirty old men.

 

[RasputinLives]

My Darling Lewis,

I'm writing to you because I'm a bit disturbed over rumours I'm hearing that Jenson has re-signed for Mclaren. You promised me that if Jenson beat you finished in front of you this year due to your bad luck and the whole F1 world being against you that he would leave and go drive one of those red cars and that I could come and be with you at Mclaren.

When you chose Heikki over me back in 2008 I held back the tears and knew that if I proved my loyalty to you that you would eventually let me be your team-mate. When Jenson came for 2010 I knew that was down to Martin and that you were not to blame but this feels like you're trying to hurt me on purpose. Have I not shown you how loyal I am? I'm still having to watch my sugar levels after giving you that blood to write with! Aren't I always on hairline watch for you so the camera's can't see how bald you're really going? Wasn't I the first person to tell you how great the ear-ring looked? Didn't I sort out that nasty man from Renault for you?(illedgedly) Don't do this too me!

If you do take me on I'll be the best number 2 you've ever had I'll be even more supportive to you than Massa he-who-must-not-be-named is for Fernando. I have the regulation Mclaren hair-cut and everything. Please let me come - I don't like it here at Force India anymore I only understand every 3rd word Paul Di Resta says and he keeps talking about giving me some form of Glasgow Kiss and I don't want one. Plus there is this lad called Nico who hangs around and I keep coming into my garage and finding him sitting in my car. I hated it so much I even accepted a tour of the Williams factory recently. Do you remember that drunken finnish bloke? he was there too. I don't think he really knew where he was though as he kept calling Frank Williams Professor X and asking where Wolverine was.

Please tell me the Jenson rumour is untrue and that I can expect a visit from Ron Dennis very soon. I so want to be with you Lewis. Please tell me I can be.

Lots Of Love

Adrian Sutil.

P.S: Are we going to this meeting or not?

 

[teabagyokel]

Ade,

I've told you many times, I've got nothing to do with picking my team-mate. Uncle Ron told me that he will not be "recruiting sub-optimal Teutonic biomatons!", I put in a good word for you and everything.

Anyway, Dad said he'd get you a number 2 driver, and 8 points still says that he is a number 2.

My lawyers have said putting anything on paper about the "Chinese incident" would be unwise. I think he's talking about you because I wasn't even called into the stewards in China. China was awesome!

Uncle Ron says there might be a chance for you to drive for McLaren "at the temporal juncture where perdition is benumbed", which I think means you've got every chance.

By the way, I don't know about X-Men, but Williams look like the Adams family these days!

Keep your chin up,

Lew

PS: They haven't called me in yet, but its only a matter of time!

 

[Jen]

From: Smedley.R
To: Button.J
CC: Massa.F;Whitmarsh.M;Dennis.R;Sutil.A


Subject: Treachery!


You treacherous, back-stabbing bastard, I hope you’re proud of yourself and your new contract - after all the things I’ve done for you.


May you rot in hell, never win another race, lose Jessica and your father gets banned from all Grand Prix for piddling in all the wrong places.


Disgruntled from Middlesborough

 

[teabagyokel]

INTERNAL MEMO

From: Smedley, R
To: Massa, F

Felipe, baby.

I think we've nearly caught that bastard who was hacking my e-mail, saying I was helping Button out to get you fired. I think he's sent another message though!

Don't believe anything he wrote, you're still my one and only driver.

Rob xxxxxxx