The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[cider_and_toast]

FM: HK@whoarewethisweekohyeahstilllotus.ok.ah
TO: Tony.F@sixnilouchthatsgottahurt.oh.ah
CC: Mike.G@onesecondleapforward.up.no

Tony

Sadly, Jarno didn't make it out. I swear we tried everything we could but he just couldn't hold on to the helicopter skid. I even tried placing my boot on his fingers to jam them onto the skid but I must have pushed down a little too hard because he let go. Having seen the emotional state he was in prior to our escape attempt I am suprised he could find the strength to join us anyway. He kept walking around muttering something about not being able to feel properly but he seemed very emotional to me.

Also, Jarno proved himself very unpopular with my fellow drivers in the Village because every time there was a queue you just knew who would be at the front of it. If it was for the gents, there'd be Jarno at the front moaning about having to spend 1 euro to get in, If it was in the staff canteen, he'd be there complaining that his Tofu and bean curd sandwhich wasn't fresh enough, every where we went it was always the same. It must be hard when your best days are behind you but it's even harder when there is a large queue of angry drivers behind you telling you the same thing. Poor Jarno.

I tell you what Tony, I would let him go, put him out of his mysery so to speak and sign someone else. You know if you want a race winner in the team I'm sure I could have a chat with Mark Webber. I owe him a favour after he helped me shove Jarno from the helicopter ahem, try and rescue Jarno and I know he's out of favour with that fizzy drinks firm. We could do worse? (we did sign Jarno after all)

So what do you think?

Regards

Heikki

 

[teabagyokel]

Heikki,

Get Jarno off that island or Karun is in the other car.

Tony.

 

[cider_and_toast]

FM: Jarno@thetrainline.ch.oo
TO: TonyF@notdannysfriend.ma.ly
CC: MikeG@biggrumpybear.ah.oh; HK@jarnoout.by.by

Tony.

I would like to protest at my treatment at the hands of this team. My experience over the last few weeks has confirmed that I should perhaps seek employment elsewhere. Being a red blooded Italian, I know Ferrari would jump at the chance of signing a driver of my experience and skill. Perhaps you should keep that in mind as you read the rest of this e-mail.

I'm sure you are aware that I have been asking Mike for some time to improve the power steering on my car to give me greater feel. Mike and Heikki thought this was extremely funny and Mike's response was to put a fur steering wheel cover in my car with a note saying "Does this feel better?". Well, I didn't find that funny in the slightest.

Since then I've been subjected to repeated comments about this so called "Trulli Train" which every seems to believe I cause while out on the track. It's not true and it's not fair. I thought it was the purpose of a driver to keep his opponents behind him while racing?

But that's not the worst thing by any strech of the imagination. You may have wondered why I missed the last few team meatings? Well I can tell you, I was kidnapped and taken to this bloody village in the middle of nowhere (or possibly Wales) and held there against my will with several other drivers. It was crazy, everywhere I went I was followed by a group of them all sniggering behind my back and saying "can we pass you Jarno", "you're holding us up Jarno" and other nasty comments. It all came to a head in staff canteen when I was served my regular Tofu and Bean Curd sandwhich with the crusts on !! you know how I have to have the crusts off as it improves the feel of the sandwhich. Well, as I was remonstrating with the chef you should have heard the noise coming from the queue behind me and I swear that Heikki and Mark Webber were stirring things up.

Anyway, I got wind of a plan to escape and when the rescue Helicopter arrived I dashed out to join the others. To begin with it all seemed very fair with a nice queue of drivers waiting patiantly to board when all of a sudden Liuzzi crashed into the queue and sent everyone flying. Well it was chaos from then on in. I managed to grab hold of a skid as the Helicopter lifted off and started to haul myself into the cabin. Then I felt a shove and I fell back, I've no idea who pushed me but I'd swear the laughter sound Australian. Next thing I know I'm clinging to the skid again only this time Heikki is stamping on my fingers and shouting "All members of team Lotus are equal but some are more equal than others". It was then that I fell off. Fortunatly and by a million to one chance, Nick Heidfeld broke my fall. Seeing another chance to escape I pinched Heidfeld's Renault overalls and snuck out in a bag and into a dustbin wagon. No one noticed a thing because they all assumed that since being dropped from Renault that was the only way that Heidfeld could get to travel anywhere.

So, what I want to know is what you intend to do about it? As far as I'm concerned you and the team can stuff it. See if I care? I know Karun wouldn't do any better than me so I'm not worried.

Yours in a huff

Jarno.

P.S. If you've received my earlier e-mail about me signing a new contract for 2012 then please ignore this one.

 

[cider_and_toast]

FM: Nick.Heidfeld@thejobcentre.ou.ch
TO: Eric.Boullier@theotherlotus.ye.ss

Dear Eric.

Why, when I arrived at work this morning was I told that my services were no longer required and that Bruno Senna now had my seat?

I know I've not been to work for a week or two but please let me explain. I was out walking my dog in the middle of nowhere (or possibly Wales) when something very large and quite heavy fell out of the sky and knocked me spark out. The next thing you know, I've woken up having lost several hours in time and my nice black Renault team overalls. To make matters worse Kimi my pet poodle had also been stollen but not before that naughty little scamp had made a wee wee all over my nice black Renault team racing shoes. It took me several days to find my way back to civilisation and I managed finaly to hitch a lift back to the factory in the front of a dustbin wagon. The only clue I've got to the whole sorry affair is a pair of Jarno Trulli's race overalls.

Anyway, any chance you can clear this matter up because you know how hard I've worked for team and they don't call me quick Nick for nothing.

Yours

Nick

 

[Jen]

Dear Nick

Sorry to hear about your problems - I am trying to run a winning team here - so have put your problems on the back burner (I don't believe this is necessarily in Wales, by the way).

regards

Eric

 

[Slyboogy]

Dear Eric,

Good luck in trying to run a "winning" team when you have two pay drivers, oh look, ever since my departure you have been regularly in the midfield, and in Singapore in MY opinion, you have had your best result to date! Oh how I was cheering for your cars to finish in the worst positions this season, a joy to watch! Please provide me more of this entertainment in Suzuka!

My Jedi jinx is working, watchout Bully eh, I am going to get one of your drivers next season to crash in Singapore to bring out the safety car, so that the remaining driver can get lapped!

Regards,

Nick

PS. Muahahahahahaha

 

[FB]

From the Corriere della sera Job's sought section:

Large Italian man seeks position in F1 team (any F1 team, although preferably red). Has own yacht (when returned by bailiffs) for Monaco race and knows lots of attractive ladies to drape around the garage (most tried & tested). Prefers to arrange to supply drivers (makes the hiring and firing easier) and also has large amount of cash to invest courtesy of some Malaysian mug. Lots of experience in winning races and championships and prepared to go to any lengths to achieve results. Unfortunately can't provide references (but does have a letter from the WMSC saying he's not guilty of ANYTHING!) or attend races in Singapore.

 

[teabagyokel]

From: admin@thevilliage.cymru
To: cider_and_toast@cliptheapex.com
Subject: Location

Our poor deserted Villiage is nearly empty after we forgot that all Australians carry a bottle. Shame on us, but we will be recruiting very shortly, and we still have Mika Hakkinen, anyway.

However, we cannot put up with these allegations any longer. Though the Villiage may be a deserted, windswept mess of a place, we would like to clarify that we absolutely are not in Wales.

On the contrary, we are on an island somewhere, (we're not going to tell you where for security reasons) as evidenced by that damn Australian's escape.

Cofion Regards,

Owain Daffyd ap Llewellyn,
The Villiage.

 

[Fenderman]

From:JD johndrake@ thedepartment.gov.ok
To:HK@ whoarewethisweekohyeahstilllotus.ok.ah, TonyF@ sixnilouchthatsgottahurt.oh.ah, mike.gascgoyne@ onesecondleapforward.up.no

Dear Chaps,

It's been four days. Where is my KAR?

I am not a member. I'm a whole man!

Yours,

John

 

[RasputinLives]

From: Tost, Franz
To: Horner, Christian

Christian,

As you are aware Dietrich Mateschitz and the Red Bull board gave Toro Rosso the green light to start operation 'Tummy Bug' as pre-cursor for your team to run operation 'Stomach Flush' next season. The operation was kicked into life this weekend and so far we have acheived fairly positive results.

First target was Sergio Perez who became 'Driver patient X' when agent Alguersauri, redeeming himself after the squirrel business, managed gift him an intoxicated bag of doritos. Perez must have eaten the whole bag as he has become quite ill so much so we worried that it was getting too much attention but lucky for us the media have taken a fairly racist stance and described it as 'Japanese Flu'. Perez can visabley be seen to be much paler and whilst he was able to drive the car our agents tell us that during Q1 he empty his bowels so much that it seeped out of his race overalls and into the working of the cars messing with the brake fluid and preventing the car from functioning correctly. Some of the bowel leekage apparently leeked on to the tyres and from what our agents report and actually prevented them from blistering. Something you may want to try during the race.

We decided to leek virus 2 in a different way - I myself pass it on by playfully patting Anthony Hamilton on his big stupid bald head hoping that this would lead to the virus spreading to Paul Di Resta, Lewis Hamilton and Nicole Whatsherface - Nicole for no other reason than I'm tired of her getting more TV time than me. It worked in the case of Paul Di Resta although the only effects currently appear to be a sore throat and a loss of voice. No advantage as no one can understand his Scottish accent anyway. A bonus from virus 2 however occured. We were unaware that a lot of the Mclaren pit wall kiss Anthony Hamilton's head for luck which they did before Q3 today. Although the virus was not as potent as earlier it seemed to disorientate the pit wall so they were unable to do simple maths and calculate gaps between cars.

I must also report a failure though. One of our targets was Michael Schumacher and we have failed to have any effect on him. In our first attempt we had Agent Buemi invite him over for dinner and put a small amount of the virus into his blood sausage starter but Michael was completely uneffected by this. Not happy about this at all Agent Buemi went against protocall and poured our entire stock of the virus into Schumacher bavarian ale. The only effect this had was to make him slightly tipsey and aggressive. From all accounts he started dancing on the table pointing at Agent Buemi and singing "theres a moose, loose, about this house!" in his best David Coulthard impression. It was at this point that unauthorised action began to take place - unknown to us Agent Buemi had informed his other dinner guests, Jacques Villneurve, Eddie Irvine and Juan Pablo Montoya what the plan was - although he did claim he was acting independently. On seeing the plan not working I'm afraid Mr Villneurve got impatient and shot Michael 3 times in the chest. It was assumed Michael was dead but as they approached the body he lept up and ran. Agent Buemi and his guests pursued and caught him putting a sack over him, tying him up and then beating him with sticks until they thought he was dead. Mr Schumacher still got up and ran away so he was chased again, caught and then thrown into the local river. Agent Buemi presumed he was dead until he saw him walking through the paddock the following day looking just as freshed faced. His only comment in passing was "Hell of a party Moose Face - Das Ist Gudt ja?". I reccomend capturing a former Ferrari employee and investigating if they had some kind of undead driver programme back in the early 2000's.

I shall report back when we have more information.

Franz.

P.S: How about after Sebastian wins the title you let on of our guys win a race?

 

[Jos the Boss]

To Franz Toster

Snowballs chance in hell, your lucky we even let you use our old parts but a driver? Ha no chance.

Christian Horner

 

[Jos the Boss]

Dear Rupert Murdoch

How did you get into our emails?

FOTA

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Mr Ecclestone

Why Vitaly not winning? Vladimir pour in many moneys! Who Vettel?

Yours,

Vladimir Putin

 

[Slyboogy]

Dear Vladimir Putin the Meerkat

The situation isn't "simples" that's all I can say.

Yours,
The greedy dwarf man

 

[teabagyokel]

Greedy Dwarf,

Me no meerkat. Me President (not yet, Vlad) Prime Minister of Russia. Me take wild bear and train to dance. Me not afraid of Snow White's friend Greedy.

KGB tell me where bunker is. Bunker could be invaded for glory of USSR Russia. Me want Vitaly win.

Vladimir

 

[Slyboogy]

Vladimir a.k.a Timon,

I suggest you tell everyone your real identity of being an actor in the Lion King films and should go away and leave F1 alone.

If you want Vitaly to win get your friend Pumbaa (Flavio Briatore) to pull some strings, after all another controversy like that just brings the sport some great publicity.

Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase eh?!

P.S I am a new edition to the Snow White story, mess with me, then there's another 7 dwarfs ready to "high-ho" your butt!

Greedy dwarf

 

[Jos the Boss]

Bruno

You aint no Senna, I'm the real Senna, yellow helmet, Mclaren world champion, I'm easily Senna. Alonso's my Prost and you can be Barrichello or some other reject. Maybe you think I'm not Senna cuz im black? Well Mr Lalli I disagree.

Lewis

 

[Slyboogy]

Lewis

I look like Senna, I have a yellow helmet, I am driving in black and gold Lotus, I have Senna in my name! The main thing you have in common with my uncle, is that you have a habit of crashing into people. I tried doing that to Alguersuari in Spa, I succeded, but I like crashing into walls these days, I am training to help Vitaly win at Singapore next year since Vladimir the Meerkat is putting us under pressure.

We all know how much you want to take out Alonso, but I think you are hitting the wrong Ferrari.

Keep trying to imitate the Great Ayrton, you will be a fool to try!

B.spec Senna

 

[FB]

From: Prudential Life
To: Rubens Barrichello

Dear Mr Barrichello

You will be pleased to know that your annuity has matured and it is now possible for you to retire from your chosen profession. Having spoken with the underwriters we would suggest taking your pension at the earliest opportunity to prevent any continued embarrassment to both yourself and your employer.

Yours

Frank Williams
Francine Willows

Junior Pensions Advisor

 

[Jen]

From: Rubens Barrichello
To: Prudential Life

Thanks for the info, much appreciated. But please mind your own business, I will retire when I'm ready or can't find some schmuck to employ me.

That could be some time as most seem to thing I can bring something to a team.

Yours

Rubinho