The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Mr Jolyon Palmer,

Congratulations on becoming the most 3rd driver for team Enstone and welcome to F1. Now you are here we wondered if you might like to join the Third Driver Union (TDU)? All third drivers qualify for membership to the TDA and are welcome at all social events and gatherings.

As part of the TDU you will be given a full guide package on the best places to stand in the pit lane in order to get TV time as well as tutorage in ambiguious faces to pull when one of the drivers in the race seats does something stupid on track. You will also be invited the post qualifying dinner of Sausage, Mash and Beans where we make fun of all the other drivers and talk about how much better than them they are.

As well as the race events we also have social events which are fun as well as helping us achieve our goal of being in F1. With the move to 3 car teams being the best way to do this we are currently having fun sabotaging the other teams. Our recent campaign of breaking into Force India's factory and steeling bits off their 2015 car in order to stop them bringing their car out......its also really funny! Bob Fernley is starting to think he has dementia! Oh the japes.

We are also currently dumping massive amounts of fake Brazilian Real into the Brazilian economy in order to destabilise Banco De Brazil. If Nasr loses his sponsorship then Sauber are out of there and we can dance on their graves to our driving dreams.

Whilst we encourage these activities please refrain from physical violence against other teams with say...champagne flutes.

To join you will have to go through a short initiation ceremony where you have to follow Marcus Ericsson round saying "they gave you a second year? You?" and laughing really loudly.

Hoping to see you in Australia.

Yours warmly

Jean-Eric Vergne
(President of TDU)

&

Kevin Magnusen
(Treasurer of TDU)

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Sirs,

I would like to register a complaint against the admissions procedure employed by your Third Drivers Union. As the third driver at Williams F1, I believe I meet all the criteria for inclusion in your organisation. Your founders, Mr. Badoer and Mr. Wurz, would be absolutely ashamed of you.

There is no way that you can decide, on your own initiative, who Williams' "true" third driver is, as per your rejection letter; such decisions are for the board of Williams F1 to decide. Claire has confirmed that nepotism plays no part in choosing the team's personnel, as you allege.

I have sent copies to the F1 team principals who may well be less forgiving than I.

Susie Wolff.

PS. Alex Lynn? How could you?

 

[RasputinLives]

From: Alex.Lynn@Williams.co.uk
To: Suzie.Wolff@Tottosbigcashfund.co.uk

Hi Suzie.

Was lovely to see you at the Williams factory the other day. The mechanics there said I should offer to show you my GP3 Champion Trophy as you've never seen one before.

I can show you right after the TDU meal. Obviously you'll have to wait outside.

Lots of love

Alex Lynn
(full member of the TDU)

 

[FB]

From: Toto
To: Suzie

Dear Snookems

Are zee ozer drivers being nasty to you my darlink? I vill speak mitt Frank unt ze uder team bosses and tell zem zey vill not have zee great Mertzedes engines if zay do not treat you viz zee respect a driver of you qualities deserves. By zee vay, vat ist for dinner tonight unt can you iron me a shirt pleeze?

Googly Bear

 

[teabagyokel]

From: chris_horner@spicegirls_bahs.org
To: the_lord@fom_bunker.bce
president@fia.fr
CC: f1@skysports.net
other_sports@bbc.co.uk
news@reuters.com
Subject: Byeeeeee!

Bernie,

Yeah, no... erm....

I expect to be winning in Formula One post-haste or we're off. And don't forget that we have two teams, so see how your grid'll look without us.

Yeah, we're serious.

Yours,

Christian.

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Christian,

The new engine we were delivering has exploded.

We have no idea how this happened.

Cyril

 

[cider_and_toast]

From: Ronatron2000@McLarenTechnoImagination.co.uk
To: Fernandoisquicker@fryingpantofire.org

Dear Human / Car Interface Unit Alonso

While monitoring communications from the heart of the McLaren Mobile Technological Imagination Centre during the recent Canadian Grand Prix, I could not help but overhear you accuse the team of acting in a way that suggests all work units are behaving in a manor that implies they are not receiving formal recompense for the amount of application they provide toward achieving our goal of world domination. As a mere functionary in the greater organisation, I would not expect you to understand the management and control structure of such a multifaceted and technologically complex business as McLaren. Suffice to say that such communications, when cast in a negative attitude and as delivered in such a way that persona non-McLaren may overhear and assume a less than harmonious relationship exists, are not helpful in delivering the short term tactical outcome and the long term strategic aim of the McLaren Group. To that end, I am writing this missive to inform you that you shall desist in all activities which may imply that we are not moving forward together in the spirit of friendship and achievement. You shall limit your communication output via the vehicle to mobile technological centre interface to statements relating to your overall progression in the race when compared to your fellow human / car interface unit (Button)but only if said comparative implies that you are progressing at a greater pace.

Kind salutations.

Ron.

 

[Jen]

Ronnie, babe

I have a friend who always talks in cliches and excess words.

Love him to bits but he is not very bright and mangles the language and keeps talking with a hope that some will believe he is educated and erudite.

With that in mind, I would say a spade is a spade.

Yours for now

Nando

 

[teabagyokel]

Fernando,

Thought we'd disable the turbo so we could overtake you a few times. We'll get back to lapping you next week.

Yabba dabba ding dang yes boys.

Love,

Seb

 

[FB]

From: Fernando
To: Ron

Funny you should mention Manor...

 

[cider_and_toast]

From: SirPatrick@Williamstechnology.com.uk
To: Ronatron2000@McLarenTechnoImagination.co.uk
CC: SirFrank@Williamstechnology.com.uk

Dear Ron,

This is my new e-mail address. Please amend your database accordingly.

Regards

Sir Patrick Head KBE

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Ronald,

In response to your recent complaint, we do not comment on knighthood decisions individually, but we can enlighten you as to the process by which we reach our conclusions.

Potential knights are judged on a range of chivalric criteria. Thus we would look unfavourably upon a candidate whose long time number 2 could complain that "the bastard stabbed me in the back just because I hired J[REDACTED]ton and then kept him on for years anyway", for example.

It is also important to consider an applicant's contribution to British society and morale. In sport, this implies that they do not field foreigners to beat happy-go-lucky Brits with talent levels as dubious as their facial hair. Such a knight would also ensure that their car could accommodate the widest of British arises.

Potential knights should also ensure that they are not involved in any major crimes such as murder, larceny or the racing career of Phillipe Alliot (although we will accept financial fraud).

A great standing amongst the British people is also essential; "joyless twat" would not be the response we were looking for when asking people about a knight. (Do note, we never ask in Liverpool, which explains Ferguson and Thatcher.)

We have also checked your eligibility with the respective treasurers of the Labour and Conservative parties.

Better luck next time,

Sir George Fatheringham-Oldersworthy,
Servant of HM the Queen,
HM Honours Office,
10 Downing Street,
London.

 

[McZiderRed]

From: The once time BBC viewer of F1/Cricket:
To: Any 0ne that would like to view sport without pissing money away unnecessary...


I'm fucked if I'm spending money on that shit.

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Ecclestone,

May is month when Ecclestone give favourite race time. As Sochi now Ecclestone's favourite race, Sochi be in May. Vladimir much better than Albert II.

See you at Kvyat win party October.

Vladimir

 

[RasputinLives]

Dearest Lewis,

Please don't carry round a baton for me. I'm a Felipe Massa fan.

Kind Regards

The Ghost of Ayrton

 

[teabagyokel]

Lewis Hamilton @Lewy44
Amazing to be contacted by the ghost of Senna. Likes @FlippyBaby19 apparently. #blessed

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Mr Hamilton.

The Pope would like to personally thank you for your interest in the Catholic church and you recommendation to make Ayrton Senna Da Silva an official saint.

As you know to become a saint the Pope needs to see proof of 3 miricales which you duly provided. The Pope has declared that the first lap at Donnington in 1993 and the ability to put up with Ron Dennis for such a long period of his life are in fact miricale. However the we are somewhat sceptical about the third miricale you presented.

Whilst a letter written from beyond the grave would indeed be a miricale we are somewhat concerned about this letters origin as it clearly reads 'from the pen of Nico Rosberg' on the stationary heading. Therefore the decision has been made not to make Mr Senna a saint.

Thank you for contacting us and we'd just like to say good luck in the rest of the F1 season, although of course the Vatican, the Pope and of course God are in fact Ferrari fans. Therefore finishing in front of them is a mortal sin and your soul is already dammed.

Kind regards

The office of the Pope.

 

[teabagyokel]

Your Holiness,

Of course I can help falsify that letter! Suzuka 1990 was not becoming of a saint, especially with a Ferrari targeted!

However, I can confirm that putting up with Ron Dennis is, indeed, a miracle unless you're Mika Häkkinen.

Regards,

Alain

 

[RasputinLives]

From: Franztost@notredbullhonest.com
To: Max@betterthanmydad.com

Max.

I just thought I'd drop you a quick message about the big steaming pile of poo you served from the tap and deposited on my desk. Just a quick note to say that I applaude you for your actions.

When they were drawing up your contract I kept saying to them they needed to put a clause in the 'professional behaviour' section of your contract saying you should be allowed to go to the toilet wherever you wanted, but they wouldn't listen to me (even though I'm the boss and have the last word)!

Personally I think the act shows determination, spirit and the signs of a future world champion. If only all young drivers took a leaf from your book. As for the note you left telling me to 'stuff this in your mouth Tost' I just have to applaude you again for you creativity. I'm just about to tuck in right now.

What a wonderful talent you are. You're the youngest driver to ever take a dump on a desk and I think its shows your potential.

Kind Regards

Franz Tost.

 

[teabagyokel]

Franz,

I was delighted to see you remedied the situation. You may arrive safely at the next race.
If your determination to see Max's coronation wavers again, it will be for the last time.

HM.