The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[FB]

Dear Lewis

Vee haff decided zat Nico vill be zee Vorld Champion in 2016.

Love

Toto and Niki

 

[teabagyokel]

FAO: C. Wolff, A. Lauda

Gents,

You have not decided who will win the championship for 2016.

Grande, grande, yabba-dabba-ding-dong.

Seb

 

[teabagyokel]

Thats an interesting debate and question - Do teams pay for thier drivers travel? If so is it in official team transportation or do the drivers have to claim it back as expenses?

If so I want to see some of those expenses claims.

Dear Mr. Hamilton,

In response to your latest expense claim, the Daimler-Benz board has decided that the following are allowable expenses:

• Travel to the Grand Prix including Mercedes car at the airport
• Hats
• Overalls
• Overall washing
• Products from official sponsors
• Alcohol hand wash for after shaking hands with B. Ecclestone, F. Briatore, V. Putin etcs.
• Trophy polish
• Anti-Scherzinger security

The following are not, however, allowable, as racing could (and is) achieved without these items by other (more half-Finnish) drivers:

• Diamond earring insurance
• Dog food
• Dog basket
• Jewellery polish
• A travelling Catholic priest (courtesy of #blessed ministries)
• Ayrton Senna shrine maintenance
• A piano
• Accomodation for Rita Ora
• Anti-Button security
• Dog lead

Yours,

Toto Wolff,
Mercedes-AMG Formula One Team

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Franz F***ING Tost,

I couldn't f***ing believe it this f***ing weekend when I went into Torro f***ing Rosso's f***ing canteen and Carlos f***ing Sainz f***ing junior was in front of me in the queue. What a f***ing joke! He may have got there f***ing before me but I'd been saying I was f***ing hungry for longer. In fact I think I'm the f***ing youngest f***ing driver to ever say I was hungry.

I had to f***ing watch as he put f***ing chips on his plate first. We all know from reading the f***ing press and listening to my f***ing dad that I would have ate those f***ing chips better. I just feel sorry for the f***ing fans as we all f***ing know that they would have had a much f***ing better dining experience if I'd have got to go f***ing first in the dinner queue.

In f***ing future I think we should f***ing make sure f***ing Carlos is marked in order that people f***ing know he's not as f***ing good or worth as f***ing much to society as me. Maybe we should make him wear a f***ing arm band with a f***ing star or something?

Sort it f***ing out!

Yours

Max f***ing Verstappen

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Mr. Verstappen,

We have reviewed your complaint, and it does not meet the criteria such that we could intervene with Scuderia Toro Rosso. Unfortunately, not being favoured against a team-mate in a professional support does not constitute "child fucking abuse" regardless of your tender years, although we do sympathise that Mr. Tost was upset with you when you "threw it off the fucking road because of fucking him".

Please accept our apologies.

Childline NL

 

[cider_and_toast]

Drivers financial position statement

Dear all.

Ever since we were kids we dreamed of how much money we could make in Formula 1. Most of us enjoy driving the cars and even having a bit of a race now and then but we need to make sure we maximise our earning power. We say we really love to race but we are more than happy to cling on in increasingly slower cars and lower order teams regardless of how unlikely it is we will ever win again because we are getting paid a shed load of cash.

Formula 1 should have the very best drivers and by that we mean the drivers with the highest wage power. These young pay drivers who come into the sport and lap within a second of us seasoned pro's are making us look silly (and slow) and giving the fans the impression that driving an F1 car is easy. It is compared to the old days but we don't need them knowing that.

It's clear that those who run the sport do so out of self interest to ensure they make the most money while protecting themselves from the potential threat of other teams. This suits us fine as drivers because we can blame the rules, dirty air, tyres, actually anything that covers up the fact very few of us remember how to overtake a car like we did in the lower formula when our jobs depended on it unlike now when we get payed a fortune regardless.

Normally we wouldn't say anything but since the Australian GP qualifying fiasco, the sport is down so we feel it safe to give it a bit of a kick. Obviously over the coming weeks we expect our teams to lean on us and threaten us with breach of contract therefore our position will change and we will issue a statement saying we were taken out of context.

Regards

The Drivers.

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Jenson & Seb,

I am a billionaire, and as such the number of shits I give is reducing. I would like you to be aware that, contrary to your letter, I am not acting in the best intentions of anyone but me.

In answer to any points you might make:

• I don't like you
• I don't care if you're having fun
• I don't think you're special
• You're not having any sodding revolving doors.

Bernie.

 

[Fenderman]

Dear Bernie,

We feel duty bound to respond to your four extremely enlightening, if predictable, points:

• The feeling is mutual
• We don't care that you don't care that we're having fun
• We are
• We cope with our own revolving doors just fine. Whilst we think you ... basically ... suck, for some inexplicable reason we feel sorry for you every time you have trouble with yours ... or other people's ... and those real tricky ones in court houses ...

Regards

We, The Humble Yet Very Special (more special than you) Drivers

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Mr. Ecclestone,

I must write to express our abject disgust with your recent comments regarding 22 extremely talented young men.

Although, unlike you, many of them speak English as a second language. Also unlike you, they do not tend to use the language to obfuscate their gluttonous interntions, nor do they seek credit for decisions whose drawbacks they disavow.

However, this is irrelevant to your needless insult of their basic literacy skills, which was both mean-spirited and unfair. Had you submitted this comment as a response to their letter, your marks would be low, if not zero (depending on the wording of the question.)

Yours,

The Association of Teachers of Grand Prix Drivers.

 

[cider_and_toast]

Dear Mr Ecclestone,

As you are aware, the chairman of CVC called an emergency meeting to discuss recent events relating to your management of our F1 interests.

As a result of this meeting we are pleased to inform you that you are making us lots of money therefore, keep up the good work.

Regards

Lotta Cash

Financial Manager
CVC Capital.

 

[RasputinLives]

From: Seb.Vettel@crazy frog.gr
To: FerrariPR@prancing horse.it

Greeting PR guys,

You may have noticed that after Danni Kvyat forced me to crash into Kimi on Sunday I stayed very polite and quiet on the subject but wanting to force the subject in a public forum. However since the event I've reflected on it and think it's very important that we make sure the world knows it was not my fault and it was the Russian guy that forced me to do it. To that end I've brainstormed a few ideas for us to put out. See what you think.

- a 1000 page essay explaining exactly why it was not my fault and that Kvyat was to blame

- a 10 part documentary on Netflix entitled "how to make a teammate crash" detailing how I was set up

- a duet between me and Olivia Newton-John on her song "Let's get physical" but with the words changed to "It was Kvyat"

-99 luft balloons with "not Seb's fault" to be flown over the circuit in Sochi on race day.

- employing Shaggy to follow me round for the rest of the season so that whenever anyone asks me about the incident he can just say "It wasn't me"

Let me know what you think. Keen to work on this.

Love

Seb.

P.s: being German I'm not sure saying the phrase "colour must never touch colour" was a great idea. Maybe we should work on that.

 

[teabagyokel]

TO VETTEL,

THAT IS WHAT FEELS LIKE TO BE HIT BY TORPEDO.
IF YOU NO WANT TO BE HIT BY REAL TORPEDO STOP COMPLAINING.

V.P.

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Mr Whiting.

BEEP BEEP BEEP YOU YOU BEEPING BEEP BEEP BEEP AND MAX BEEP BEEP VERSTAPPEN CAN BEEP BEEP UNTIL THE HANDLE COMES OFF AND HE HAS TO FIND A DOCTOR TO PULL IT OUT AGAIN!!!

BEEP BEEP BEEP ELEPEHAT IN THE BEEP BEEP BEEP LIKE THE MEXICAN WRESTLES WHO BEEP BEEP BEEP CATERHAM! BEEP BEEP HORNER CAN BEEP BEEP Ermmmm no yeah BEEP BEEP Barrichello.

BEEP BEEP.

best wishes to the family.

Seb Vettel.

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Sergio

Remember Canada? Karma is a Bitch baby.

Love

Esteban.

 

[FB]

From the desk of Zak Brown

Dear Ron

P45 in the post. Could you please send back your keys to the MTC.

Love

Zak

 

[teabagyokel]

Zak,

Operation completed. My departure will be actioned exclusively when the classified information in my possession is brought into synergy with Project 4b.

Yours contemptuously,
Ron

 

[RasputinLives]

Max,

Please fine enclosed one podium. Heard you are after one and I've got plenty spare.

Yours

Danny Ric.

 

[FB]

Dear Danny



Max

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Danny,

Please direct all future communications to Max through me. I currently getting lots of publicity and money off the back of my son....errrrmmmm sorry I mean....Max's spokesperson and deal with this sort of thing.

Yours

Jos the Daddy Boss

P.S: I had a podium once you know.

 

[FB]

Dear Jos

Pleeze remeber zat vee are zee vuns who have Max by zee testiclees, sorry haf hiz contract.

Your loving driver development adfisor

Helmut