The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[RasputinLives]

Dearest Dark Helmet,

Ermmmm yeah no......Geri has heard you have Max Verstappens testicles and was wondering if I could lend them to me. Ermmmm yeah no.....mine got a little 'smashed down' wearing the team lederhossen and Don't appear to work anymore. Although I did see Geri's video for Raining Men this weekend too so it could be that.

Anyways errrrmmmm yeah no...would be great appreciated. If not Max's them I hear you have Carlos Sainz's in a vice somewhere. They would do.

Yours lovingly

Chrissie Horner

 

[cider_and_toast]

From: thebigcc@libertymedia.f1.fom

To: drJ@visionmotorsport.palmer.uk

Subject: the British Grand Prix.

Dear Dr Palmer.

Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding using your Brands Hatch Circuit to host the British GP from 2020 should negotiations with our current partner at Silverstone break down.

We are carefully considering our options at this time but would like to point out, much like your son, Brands Hatch needs substantial improvement if it is to have a future in F1.

Best Regards

Chase.

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Mr. Carey,

We would love to hold the British Grand Prix. Indeed, we would even sub-let it to Silverstone, similar to our arrangement with the FIM.

Yes, we're serious!

C. Jones
Circuit of Wales.

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Lewis,

Please stop.

Princes William & Harry.

 

[FB]

Dear Sebastian

Thank you for gifting the 2017 World Drivers Championship to Lewis Hamilton.

Lots of love

F1 fans

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear F1 fans.

It was Max's fault. Both this Sunday and every other race Sunday in a season I've not won the championship in. Including the ones where he was 12 years old.

Love.

Seb.

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Seb,

Watch out.

Love,

The Boss.

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Boss.

You're getting soft in your old age. You didn't give Montoya a warning that time in Brazil!

Bada Bing.

Seb

P.S. - that leather jacket you wear makes you look like a Repo man!

 

[cider_and_toast]

To: MercedesCatering@paddock.yum.yum.ge
FM: Blessed@Merc.com

Dear Chef.

Please note, that from now on in an effort to save the planet I have become a vegan. I have sent you a sample menu so that you can prepare the correct meals. I hope this will not be too much of an inconvenience.

The Blessed Menu:

Breakfast: Sprout Soup
Lunch: Sprout Soup
Tea: Sprout Soup

Repeat across the weekend.

Regards

Lewis #Blessed #vegan #green #ladydi

 

[FB]

To: Charlie Whiting
From: Super Cool Mauricio Arrivabene

Hey Charlie!

Alora! Mercedes, they using Lewis' farting as fuel to make de car faster. If dis okay we start using Fettel fart power and German farts are better dan Englisch farts!

Chiao

Mauricio

 

[cider_and_toast]

To: All Teams
From: Charlie Whiting

You are all hereby reminded of FIA Rule 26a subsection 19 part 9 para 21 subsection C sub-subsection Q that states no fuels other than those expressly permitted by the FIA having undergone a thorough testing (normally by consumption as part of a bizarre cocktail known as the 'firestarter' at the FIA end of year party) programme may be used to power your vehicles. This includes the use of gaseous deposits from your drivers.

If you have any questions please complete the standard FIA question form and deposit your question fee to the FIA Paris business account no later than the 1st Oct.

Regards

Charlie.

 

[Road of Bones]

To: Charlie
From: The Blessed One

Charlie,

It's not for fuel, I'm just doing my bit to:

a) improve the sound of the engines
b) Be nicer to the planet*

(*Bonno reckons I could run a pipe from my arse to the engines in my G5, to help reduce the amount of fuel it burns. I've got the folk at Versace working on one for me now, made out of panda ears and diamonds). #blingexhaust, #paddedring, #stopthe smell, #lovetheplanet

Peace out, man.

Lewis (aged 32)

 

[teabagyokel]

To Whomever It May Concern,

I believe you have appointed Daniil Kvyat to a position in your company. I would like to discuss an inducement package to somehow relegate him before any Formula One event.

You’ll find the package most satisfactory, and I will be willing to discuss how best to repeatedly relegate him.

Regards,

Jos Verstappen.

 

[cider_and_toast]

To: Dr Jonathan Palmer
From: Junior.

Dear Dad.

Sainz couldn't out qualify Hulk this weekend and he DNF'd so if you lend me a few million dollars I think I can get my old job back and restore some pride to the family name.

Yours

Jolyon.

 

[RasputinLives]

From: E.Ocon@Mercbackup.fr
To: Bigbadwolff@yahoo.com

Dearest Toto,

I just wanted to drop you an email in case you didn't see Bottas crash in qualifying. Did you see it? Not a mistake I would have made.

By the way I have a quick query on Strat 14 engine mode. Whilst I'm in my lovely pink Force India I can see the mode but when I click on it a message saying 'you have insufficient credit' keeps flashing up. Is there a way to fix this?

Kind regards

Esteban the Testerman.

 

[cider_and_toast]

To: all_in_F1.org
Fm: crashed-compensation.direct.tv

Dear (insert name of driver here)

We understand you may have recently been involved in a collision that was not your fault. Have you given any thought to claiming compensation? Possibly in the form of a lifetime supply of a well known brand of energy drink?

We here at compensation claims direct can help. Fill in the form below and our lawyers will go to work.

Yours

Compensation claims direct

Claims form:

I (insert name of driver here) was hit by Max Verstappen at (inset name of track here).

Signed.

....................

 

[RasputinLives]

From:Grosjeansagent@wheresthebrakes.fr
To: Nonfiction@publishershouse.co.uk

Greetings

I'm writing to you today on behalf of the world famous half Swiss cheese half french bread Romain Grosjean. I'm please to tell you that he has written a book. This is something he has achieved despite many mechanical issues beyond his control with his laptop. If only he had one of the front running laptops I'm sure he be In the best sellers list by now.

Great I hear you shout. The amazing Romain Grosjean has written a book about his F1 life! We're bound to sell millions! Well I'm here to tell you that it's even better than that. During his down time from F1 (mostly Sunday afternoons every couple of weeks from 2ish) Romain has studied, and subsequently solved all the great conspiracy theories of recent history and writen an essay on each one. So you have the opportunity to publish this great book by the great man. The book is called "I think I was hit by Ericsson" and here is a summary of its contents.

The Twin Towers - obviously hit by Ericsson
Amelia Earhart - hit by Ericsson
Titanic - Hit by Ericsson dress as an iceberg
Lord Lucan - hit and run by Ericsson
Brexit - voted for by Ericsson even though he's not British.

As you can see it's a book that will change the world. Please let us know when you are ready to publish

Yours

Agent of Grosjean.

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Daniel

We understand you may have recently been involved in a collision that was not your fault. Have you given any thought to claiming compensation? Possibly in the form of a lifetime supply of a well known brand of energy drink?

We here at compensation claims direct can help. Fill in the form below and our lawyers will go to work.

Yours

Compensation claims direct

Claims form:

I Daniel Ricciardo was hit by Max Verstappen at Baku

Signed

DR3

 

[teabagyokel]

Dear Red Bull Software Team,

Yeah, no... should the Number 1 car be out of contention, you should deactivate the Ricciardo Inhibition System. We got away with it this once.

Yeah, no... could we research improving the Ricciardo Inhibition System. It’s not effective enough at all tracks.

Yours,

The Wannabee.

 

[Fenderman]

Dear The Wannabee,

Please accept our apologies. Apparently, the engineers chose your front right end-plate for the RIFTY (Ricciardo Is Faster Than You) sensor. Additionally, you should recall that the system requires you to be within 1 sec' of DR before Auntie FIA's Race Direction enables activation.

Talk to Charlie.

Regards

Red Bull Software Team