Nonsense, lunacy and general stutterings
- Thread starter KekeTheKing
- Start date
Brilliant! 
I know it was a bit naughty Jen but it was too good to keep to myself.
Oh my! How did I not see it??!! 
Button and Hamilton colliding...is it really a coincidence? It was speculated that Hamilton's car didn't suffer much damage and could have continued, but McLaren told Hamilton to park it in a unsafe area to bring out a safety car!
I am disgusted to say the least
Button and Hamilton colliding...is it really a coincidence? It was speculated that Hamilton's car didn't suffer much damage and could have continued, but McLaren told Hamilton to park it in a unsafe area to bring out a safety car!
I am disgusted to say the least
RevMaxPower
Banned
Well now that we're onto them maybe their drivers will attempt to avoid contact with the others.( And each other, of course.) That would be good but is it really possible?
TN23
Rookie
HUHNE SNAGS RED BULL DRIVE
Hot off the presses, we have news that Chris Huhne- allegedly a speedy secretary of state, has been given the opportunity to drive a third Red Bull- powered by potent plutonium- for the remainder of the 2011 season. Huhne said in today's 'why the bloody hell is it necessary to hold this press conference?' press conference, 'Hopefully we have no issues with the new energy system, but if not, wouldn't it be amusing to Mark Webber with two heads?' Fellow Lib Dem Nick Clegg, known in his parliamentary circles for his excellent rim management confirmed he'd been courted by Ferrari. He commented 'Obviously, Ferrari feel they need two excellent rim managers who could drive relatively quickly, and I told them that anyone's quicker than Massa, I once drove a car at 87mph near Dunstable on the M1. However, it is my duty to continue as Dave's rim manager, and I'm looking forward to screwing the economy further.'
Pictures have emerged of Vince Cable's F1 test from the early eighties:
(Extra points for guessing the real driver!)
Cable denied the allegations, 'I was a poor boy, nobody loved me, I was just a poor boy from a poor family...' Although he neglected to mention his lucrative sponsorship deal with Kenwood electricals. He also said 'F1 is not sustainable under the current economic climate- I plan to savagely cut all funding to it. MUHAHAHA' (even though he spends zilch on F1)
In other news, look where Gordon Brown's turned up:
Meanwhile at the '24hr race for former Larrousse drivers, has-beens, and never-wases' at Le Mans, the organisers have awarded the race win to Jarno Trulli, for being the only has-been to not bother to start the race- he was seen racing a Proton in a small race over in Canada, strangely...
Hot off the presses, we have news that Chris Huhne- allegedly a speedy secretary of state, has been given the opportunity to drive a third Red Bull- powered by potent plutonium- for the remainder of the 2011 season. Huhne said in today's 'why the bloody hell is it necessary to hold this press conference?' press conference, 'Hopefully we have no issues with the new energy system, but if not, wouldn't it be amusing to Mark Webber with two heads?' Fellow Lib Dem Nick Clegg, known in his parliamentary circles for his excellent rim management confirmed he'd been courted by Ferrari. He commented 'Obviously, Ferrari feel they need two excellent rim managers who could drive relatively quickly, and I told them that anyone's quicker than Massa, I once drove a car at 87mph near Dunstable on the M1. However, it is my duty to continue as Dave's rim manager, and I'm looking forward to screwing the economy further.'
Pictures have emerged of Vince Cable's F1 test from the early eighties:
(Extra points for guessing the real driver!)Cable denied the allegations, 'I was a poor boy, nobody loved me, I was just a poor boy from a poor family...' Although he neglected to mention his lucrative sponsorship deal with Kenwood electricals. He also said 'F1 is not sustainable under the current economic climate- I plan to savagely cut all funding to it. MUHAHAHA' (even though he spends zilch on F1)
In other news, look where Gordon Brown's turned up:
Meanwhile at the '24hr race for former Larrousse drivers, has-beens, and never-wases' at Le Mans, the organisers have awarded the race win to Jarno Trulli, for being the only has-been to not bother to start the race- he was seen racing a Proton in a small race over in Canada, strangely...
Chris Huhne won a race recently, but he wasn't credited in the Championship because someone else took the points!
Allegedly.
Allegedly.
New Red Bull Scandal:
After the 'Lewis and Fernando are the best" organisation (officially know as Alonsilton) published the official statement saying "Vettel can't be that quick it must be the car" the FIA had no option to do a full inspection of the Red Bull car after the Canadian Grand Prix, which led to a shocking discovery - but not the one you're thinking of.
The main thing the FIA were looking for was the illedge 'boost button' that is claimed to be on the Red Bull. This has always been denied by Christian Horner but great F1 minds such as Keith Chegwin and Kylie Minouge have produced eveidence for such a device by stating "well its obvious ain't it because he's fast". There was great excitment at the FIA when during the inspection a button marked 'boost' was found inside the car - this turned out to not be what they thought it was though as is explained by FIA expert Dave Benson Phillips;
"You know that toy of the Millenium Falcon you had as a kid? where you pressed the button and it just made lazer sounds? well it was a bit like that really. You press it it makes a 'whoosh' sound and then a chocolate bar drops into the cockpit"
The big discovery was made shortly after this when the fuel tank was analysed and it was discovered the car doesn't run on normal fuel but on copius amounts of its sponsers soft drink. However because it appears the Red Bull drink conforms to the exact same consistancy as normal race fuel this is not seen as being illegal and Red Bull will be allowed to carry on using this. When asked what the difference between running normal fuel and Red Bull Christian Horner stated:
"well its pretty much the same really apart from the car gets more and more excited as the race goes on. At the end of the race we have to shove 200 cigrettes up the cars exhaust and light them just to calm it down. usually after that it shuts down and pretty much won't do anything for few days. We of course have to use the sugar free version so the driver doesn't become diabetic"
In other news Red Bull are heading for court action against the Williams team who unveiled their car for Valencia with a front and rear wing exaclty the same as the Red Bulls even down to the colour scheme. When Patrick Head was told that the Red Bull team were accusing them of steeling them from their garages Head replied with "how can they be stolen? Red Bull gives you wings".
After the 'Lewis and Fernando are the best" organisation (officially know as Alonsilton) published the official statement saying "Vettel can't be that quick it must be the car" the FIA had no option to do a full inspection of the Red Bull car after the Canadian Grand Prix, which led to a shocking discovery - but not the one you're thinking of.
The main thing the FIA were looking for was the illedge 'boost button' that is claimed to be on the Red Bull. This has always been denied by Christian Horner but great F1 minds such as Keith Chegwin and Kylie Minouge have produced eveidence for such a device by stating "well its obvious ain't it because he's fast". There was great excitment at the FIA when during the inspection a button marked 'boost' was found inside the car - this turned out to not be what they thought it was though as is explained by FIA expert Dave Benson Phillips;
"You know that toy of the Millenium Falcon you had as a kid? where you pressed the button and it just made lazer sounds? well it was a bit like that really. You press it it makes a 'whoosh' sound and then a chocolate bar drops into the cockpit"
The big discovery was made shortly after this when the fuel tank was analysed and it was discovered the car doesn't run on normal fuel but on copius amounts of its sponsers soft drink. However because it appears the Red Bull drink conforms to the exact same consistancy as normal race fuel this is not seen as being illegal and Red Bull will be allowed to carry on using this. When asked what the difference between running normal fuel and Red Bull Christian Horner stated:
"well its pretty much the same really apart from the car gets more and more excited as the race goes on. At the end of the race we have to shove 200 cigrettes up the cars exhaust and light them just to calm it down. usually after that it shuts down and pretty much won't do anything for few days. We of course have to use the sugar free version so the driver doesn't become diabetic"
In other news Red Bull are heading for court action against the Williams team who unveiled their car for Valencia with a front and rear wing exaclty the same as the Red Bulls even down to the colour scheme. When Patrick Head was told that the Red Bull team were accusing them of steeling them from their garages Head replied with "how can they be stolen? Red Bull gives you wings".
RevMaxPower
Banned
That's bad! 
Sounds like a bum steer to me...
Sounds like a bum steer to me...
TN23
Rookie
MURRAY WALKER SEEN AT PIZZA EXPRESS
Former F1 commentator, Murray Walker, was seen dining at a London pizza express last weekend, according to anonymous (I bet it was James Allen) sources. 'I saw Murray tucking into what appeared to be a leggera pizza, and could hear this high pitched screech' said James Allen*, 'I knew he was doing his commentating on pizzas thing that he did for the Pizza Hut advert. As such, I thought it was necessary to inform the authorities. Senior fast-food pizza chains and famous faces representing them post-USSR officer, John Studentbeater clarified the situation in a press release yesterday 'As far as we're concerned, we don't really know what post-USSR means, I didn't do History O-Level, so we cannot possibly prosecute this Wurray Malker fellow'
Dr. Jonathan Palmer, a former commentating partner of Walker's did try to defend Walker (We think), but as his voice was so annoying, we didn't bother listening to him. Lord Chinthard (David Coulthard) definitely defended Walker by saying 'Look, once I was at an event for Powerade energy drinks in 2002, now I'm intent to try and sneak plugs for Red Bull into my commentary'.
Walker, a former advertising executive, answered one journalists enquiries with 'An advertising controversy a day helps you work, rest and play', at which point the said journalist attempted to commit suicide by strangling himself, which Murray said was 'a dramatic death here at the home of Murray Walker Grand Prix, unless I'm very much mistaken... I am very much mistaken!' At which point Murray's trousers actually set on fire.
Elsewhere, rumours concerning Chris Martin's sexuality have literally not been reported...
,
This article apologises for sexual stereotyping and would like to apologise to Chris Martin, who is of course just a prat.
*allegedly
Former F1 commentator, Murray Walker, was seen dining at a London pizza express last weekend, according to anonymous (I bet it was James Allen) sources. 'I saw Murray tucking into what appeared to be a leggera pizza, and could hear this high pitched screech' said James Allen*, 'I knew he was doing his commentating on pizzas thing that he did for the Pizza Hut advert. As such, I thought it was necessary to inform the authorities. Senior fast-food pizza chains and famous faces representing them post-USSR officer, John Studentbeater clarified the situation in a press release yesterday 'As far as we're concerned, we don't really know what post-USSR means, I didn't do History O-Level, so we cannot possibly prosecute this Wurray Malker fellow'
Dr. Jonathan Palmer, a former commentating partner of Walker's did try to defend Walker (We think), but as his voice was so annoying, we didn't bother listening to him. Lord Chinthard (David Coulthard) definitely defended Walker by saying 'Look, once I was at an event for Powerade energy drinks in 2002, now I'm intent to try and sneak plugs for Red Bull into my commentary'.
Walker, a former advertising executive, answered one journalists enquiries with 'An advertising controversy a day helps you work, rest and play', at which point the said journalist attempted to commit suicide by strangling himself, which Murray said was 'a dramatic death here at the home of Murray Walker Grand Prix, unless I'm very much mistaken... I am very much mistaken!' At which point Murray's trousers actually set on fire.
Elsewhere, rumours concerning Chris Martin's sexuality have literally not been reported...
,
This article apologises for sexual stereotyping and would like to apologise to Chris Martin, who is of course just a prat.
*allegedly
snowy
Champion Elect
The Earl of Lower Beading has been quoted in the Express Newspaper as stating on his Twitter account that "the whole of Lower Beading has gone to pot." Enraged by his twittering the people of Lower Beading have asked him to leave.
A reply from the Earl in the Lower Beeding gazette has expressed concern that he has been quoted out of context. Stating that if the Express journalist had bothered to read the next tweet his relationship with his fellow Lowly Beeders would not be in tatters: The next tweet on his account was: "-racted lengths to console me after the death of my wife."
Unfortunately due to the rather lame execution of Twitter account code the second tweet didn't actually post until 7 minutes after the first. There was a total of 871 tweets posted between the tweets on the Express Journalists twitter account which sort of makes this a Tweeting incident under the IAT (International Federation of Associated Twits) regulations.
This incident highlights just how reliant we have become on technology to screw up our lives. With no one else to blame the Earl is planning to sue the creators of Twitter and is hoping that common sense will prevail in the Courts. However he writes: "I am not holding my breath because I know all of the judges and they are all twits too."
Unfortunately for the Earl it would appear he is not familiar with the term tweeter.
A reply from the Earl in the Lower Beeding gazette has expressed concern that he has been quoted out of context. Stating that if the Express journalist had bothered to read the next tweet his relationship with his fellow Lowly Beeders would not be in tatters: The next tweet on his account was: "-racted lengths to console me after the death of my wife."
Unfortunately due to the rather lame execution of Twitter account code the second tweet didn't actually post until 7 minutes after the first. There was a total of 871 tweets posted between the tweets on the Express Journalists twitter account which sort of makes this a Tweeting incident under the IAT (International Federation of Associated Twits) regulations.
This incident highlights just how reliant we have become on technology to screw up our lives. With no one else to blame the Earl is planning to sue the creators of Twitter and is hoping that common sense will prevail in the Courts. However he writes: "I am not holding my breath because I know all of the judges and they are all twits too."
Unfortunately for the Earl it would appear he is not familiar with the term tweeter.
BREAKING NEWS
After the debacle at the British GP surrounding blown diffusers, Formula One has been renamed Farcical One.
Their first official function was going to be a piss up in a brewery, but unfortunately no-one in any of the various organisations and teams had the necessary skill to organise it.
After the debacle at the British GP surrounding blown diffusers, Formula One has been renamed Farcical One.
Their first official function was going to be a piss up in a brewery, but unfortunately no-one in any of the various organisations and teams had the necessary skill to organise it.
Fenderman
Rooters Reporter
Following a tip off from private eye, Bro Brogan of Brogan, Brogan and Farcone Investigators, Inc. Rooters can report that Newcastle Breweries rejected an approach by Farcical One administrators to host a piss up. A representative at the Brewery, who insisted on anonymity said " our Brown Ale is brown enough, thank you very much."
'Ooters News ( a division of "they Watch F1, Don't They? Inc.)
'Ooters News ( a division of "they Watch F1, Don't They? Inc.)
RevMaxPower
Banned
Official Quail - ifying at the British Grand Prix...
OR - The FIA in a closed meeting...
No wonder the situation is such a shambles. None of them in this meeting appear to be saying anything!
Perhaps it's because they've just been given the news that Polar Bears' Maternal ancestors are Irish and are pondering the possible affect on Eddie Jordan's fashion choices. 
Quite clearly there's a strict pecking order.No wonder the situation is such a shambles. None of them in this meeting appear to be saying anything!
The problem is, no-one knows what it is.
RevMaxPower
Banned
I'm sure somebody will be up before the Beak before this is all over. By the way, what's the Feather Forecast like for tomorrow...?
