Nonsense, lunacy and general stutterings

Recorded by a former News of the World consultant during the latest round of top secret talks into the next Concorde agreement:

BE: Right Gentlemen, you'll observe clause 24 in sub section 6, all your first born sons and daughters will be thrown into a live volcano on the first day of the season

Martin Whitmarsh: Uh Bernie, just going back to clause 3 in sub section 2, It says there will be an increase in team travel allowences of 50 pounds a day, now that is fantastic

BE: That's correct and if you look at sub section 2A on the same page you will all be required to walk over hot coals at the end of each day of a Grand Prix meeting

MW: 50 pounds a day, that's a very generous increase

BE: Ok on to the next item, from hence forth, all team managers wives and partners must spend at least one night a week at my place

Christian Horner: Can we just confirm that the prize money will be going up by 1 million a race

BE: That's correct

CH: Fantastic

BE: Errr right ok, for an extra 100 pounds a week erm new team shoes allowence you must all give me 1000 pounds a week

Tony Fernandes: Oh that sounds very fair, we get an extra 100 pounds a week, a great deal Bernie

BE (under his breath): This is too easy
This does seem to be the right place for the latest F1 news.

Twitter followers may have noticed reports of JB been involved in a car crash. His official website has been hacked and all reports of him been in a critical condition so may not be able to race tomorrow need to be ignored! The image on his website of a crash SLS is over a year old.

The dark side of social networking has been revealed!
*****BREAKING NEWS*******

During his sponsored cake eating and champagne session after his Grand Prix victory Jenson 'Rainman' Button made an employment offer to a guy called Ray who is believed to reside in Toronto which has sparked a bidding war from F1 drivers. Jenson was quoted as saying

"every time this guy writes on forums that Mclaren should take the decision to make me their number 2 driver and defer to Lewis I win a Grand Prix! I think I'm going to pay him to write one before everyrace!"

Since this comment F1 drivers have been clamouring to offer Ray big bucks to write similar articles on them. Apparently there are offers worth millions of Canadian dollers on the table for him to write such articles as "Lewis will never drive for Red Bull", "Alonso will never win another world Championship", "Martin Whitmarsh will never be popular with Lewis fans" and even "Nelson Piquet Jr will never drive in F1 again"

Ray from Toronto was avaliable for comment and we sent our reporter round to get it yesterday but apparently he's still explaining to them why he's been right all along and they can't get away.


In order to cut costs and save the license fee payer even more cash the BBC have signed another outstanding deal with Sky Sports.

In a superb deal, the first of it's kind, the BBC will be showing only the first 5 seconds of the mens 2012 Olympics 100 metres final. Sky will be covering the entire race on their new channel Sky Sports 16 while an extended highlights package of the remaining 4.85 seconds will be shown on BBC4 later in the autumn.

The head of BBC Sport told the BBC Olympics blog that this was an outstanding deal for fans of athletics. She said, "By only having to cover the first 5 seconds of the race we can reduce the 5000 auxillary and catering staff that we will take each day from Manchester to London to cover the BBC Olympic Teams tea requirements by 1, that represents a saving of 45 pounds a day which represents a huge saving for our viewers. BBC fans will still get to watch the entire race free to air sometime in late September at just after midnight on BBC4 between a programme on Mongolian Bucket making and a programme on Peruvian Turnip Tossing"

Sky Sports (or the people who constantly show a programme on weekday afternoons when Newcastle almost win the league title but Tino Asprilla's legs and David Ginola contracting nits stop them from doing so, causing Kevin Keegan to have his 56th breakdown replayed over and over again) have announced their F1 team for 2012.

Presenter: Faceless bloke from the warehouse in Bracknell No.4

The faceless blokes with their ameanable demeanour have already brought calm to Sky Sports after the 'lineswoman' years, and another faceless bloke can be added to the successes of the bloke that presents Watford Vs Gillingham on a wet Tuesady night, the bloke who covers the hotly anticipated Bolivia Vs Canada cricket one-day international, and the bloke who moans about the ref consistently during a Rugby League match. No. 4, or as he is to be called 'Chris Kamara' will front up the coverage with cries of 'unbelieveable, Timo' and 'The fourth steward, Nigel or Steve or Tim, who once oversteered a trolley in Asda in Preston, has made a completely nonsensical decision to award eight points to a driver, because he finished 6th! This incident states the case for having Bernie Ecclestone stand in a parrot cage above the start line determining whether any given driver is suitable for their position, and he has a hose linked to a dodgy connection in Michael Atherton's kitchen...'

Pundits: Yuji Ide and Richard Hammond

Yuji Ide has been hired to 'give the viewers that brilliant feeling of knowing that they are generally better at driving thn this bloke, therefore tricking our viewers into believing that they can achieve anything in life when they're sat in Chesterfield eating slice after slice of Battenberg. It's why Tim Henman's games at Wimbledon were so popular...'. The Sky representative, man with nasty suit and hint of regional accent also announced that 'Richard Hammond has proved himself to be an expert in all things automotive. He's got experience of being able to say 'that accident was nothing compared to when I crashed at 625958588737mph back in 1764 or 1938 or whatever it was', he has also met Christian Horner, and during this time, Christian began a sentence with uttering 'Yes, no, erm...'. If Richard can produce this magic again, there will be no reason for me to wire up Andy Gray to a microphone in a secret studio muttering down the earpiece 'Tonight, pinky, we take over the world!''

Commentators: Lead: Jonathan Legard Secondary Analyst: Michael Holding

Jonathan provided expert coverage for Formula 1 for two years for the BBC, before the BBC's equl opportunities policy meant that they were one short of their quota of 'people who have chins bigger than Paisley'. As Sky has no such policy in place, we delighted to have Jonathan join the team. Here he is, right now, coming over the hill, around the bend, he's on a charge! Did I mention that Bruno Senna might be driving a Peugeot 206 run by Gareth Gates in 2014?

We realise that not everybody can keep up with Jonathan enthusiasm/rate of taking cocaine, and so it is absolutely necessary to have a calming influence in the box. Michael Holding has beencontracted, with a promise of generous supplies of cannabis, so that he can say 'Caaaaaaaaaaaalllllllyyyyyyyyypppppsssssssoooooooo eeeeeeeeeessssssss caaaaaaaallllllliiiiinnnnnnnnnggggggg ' (Translation- there's a headwing of over 2m/s on the main straight) throughout the entirity of Q1 and 6 and a half minutes of Q2. He can also reminise about 'the batsman's Willey' if a race gets dull. This means that the European Grand Prix will never have to leave Valencia, which will be a huge boost to the pay packet of whoever does the PR for the former fish market building

Pit Lane Reporter: Lenny Kravitz

Expect reports of 'I've just been into McLaren, where this bloke called Ted has snarled, and growled 'back off sunshine, this is my territory, be on your way'' . At which point Ted Hankey throws plastic bats into the pit lane causing Jerome d'Ambrosio to spin, which prompts a verbal spat between Bobby George and Sid Wadell, ending with Sid remarking that 'That dolphin son of a chimpanzee's ladyfingers could have squashed the mushrooms in my carrot soufle'. With John Gwyne adding 'Well,I couldn't agree more Sid, this might be exciting, but wait until The Power arrives in the pits...'. Also, reports of getting away and flying away could become common 'I'm just gonna fly away down to our new team this weekend, the Liberal Democrat branch of Widnes, to see how their young charge Menzies Campbell is getting on...'

The new theme tune for F1 is going to be that old classic 'Boom Boom, I want you in my room' by the Vengaboys, as it is probably the kind of music Lewis Hamilton listens to in his spare time.
Flavio Briatore's dream is that QPR become a 'boutique' club, which has an exclusive feel to it and is the place for wealthy people to be seen.

What a shame this piece of lunacy is true
BE: "Damn them to hell. I have an idea, find out when that Brogan bloke is planning his summer holiday next year and put the Belgian Grand Prix on slap in the middle of it"
Minion: "Why is that a punsihment excellency he will just be able to watch it on television?"
BE: "Because we can create a political incident between the Turks and Belgians before hand and the race won't be shown on Turkish TV fool"
Minion: "As you command sire"


BE: "How can I have been so stupid?"
Minion: "You are not stupid sire"
BE: "Of course I am. He will be able to watch it on television if he is in Turkey, but not if he's in the UK. Tell Rupert he'll be showing Belgium exclusively. And ask him to let the Auntie have...
... Valencia!"
Unfortuanately, not all Formula One drivers are still with us. However, it is claimed we can now hear snatches from the Afterlife Formula One Drivers Lounge through a medium, Psychic Pete. Our reporter, Teabag Yokel, was sent to investigate:

TY: So, Pete, we'd like to hear from some late Formula One drivers.
PP: Yes, well, they project their voices onto the screen that you can see.
TY: Does that make sense?
PP: Let us begin...

[Lights go out, eerie music starts playing]

PP: We're getting something.
"Nous avions un arrangement, Didier, tu as brisé ma confiance. Je n'aime pas combien d'années il a été, vous êtes encore étang-vie de l'ordre le plus bas."
TY: So, what was that?
PP: Sorry, its Villeneuve having another go at Pironi. We'll see if we can get Senna...
"They're having the GOAT debate on the internet, Ayrton!"
"I was unaware there was a debate. I am Senna."
PP: I think that was Senna.
TY: That can't have been a recording.
PP: Of course, not, are you questioning me?
TY: No, no.
PP: I'm getting something else.
"I'm looking for James."
"Sorry, he's in the pit girls lounge."
"How long's he been in there?"
"Roughly 18 years."
PP: Hunt is having fun, still, then.
TY: It seems so.
PP: He had some job dislodging Graham Hill
TY: I can imagine.
PP: Someone else is coming though
"E la fine della mia carriera è stato quando sono caduto mio elicottero."
TY: Who was that?
PP: Sandro Nannini
TY: He's not dead.
PP: He is, I read it somewhere!
TY: You read that on Clip the Apex, and siffert_fan admitted making a mistake.
PP: Who did he say was dead?
TY: Bandini!
PP: Yeah, that was Bandini!
TY: What did he say?
PP: He, erm..., crashed his helicopter?
TY: Bandini never crashed a helicopter.

[Lights come on]

TY: And what's that poster?!
PP: There is no poster...
TY: It says "People Pete, Ventriloquist In Three Languages"
PP: Er... well...
TY: You're no medium.
PP: Er... I am...
TY: You're a fraud
GV: Just like Pironi
TY: Stop that Pete. Its not funny.

So simple investigative journalism has exposed that Psychic Pete was not so much a medium as a large.

Jim Clark,
Clip the Apex news.
***Jazz version of the chain plays*****

MB: Hello and welcome to the FOne show with me Mark Blundell! Coming up on tonights show we have Ron Dennis making a world record attempt at the worlds longest sentence and of course we have Jackie Stewart playing the sound game thats been sweeping the nation: Traction control or no Traction Control. First of all though what would you do and how would you react if the son you'd supported all your life turned his back on you? Our next guest experienced exactly that. Please welcome Anthony Hamilton.

*Audience Claps*

MB: Anthony welcome to the show
AH: Thanks Mark
MB: So a few years back you were the happy head of healthy family. What happened?
AH: I wish I knew Mark. I supported my son and taught him everything he knows and was so happy when he made a success of it all.
MB: this is in F1?
AH: Yeah my son Lewis. I taught him how to drive, showed him how to use and F1 car, got him a seat at Mclaren and he became a big success.
MB: and thats when you started drifting apart from your son?
AH: Not at first - at first I was right there with him. I practiced my gurning skills so I could be there behind him in every shot but shortly after that he came to me and told .........*sob*.......that he didn't want me to manage him anymore and to get out of his limelight

(audience makes awwww sound)

MB: So sad. How could he do that to his own Father? Well lets find out! Please welcome Lewis Hamilton!

(Music plays No Son Of Mine by Phil Collins as Lewis walks on stage. Audience boo's)

MB: Lewis thanks for joining us
LH: No problem Mark, my new PROPER manager thought it would be a good idea
(audience gasps)
MB: So your dad here says he was souly responsible for your success and then you dropped him
LH: How can you be souly responsible for my success I drove the bloomin car
AH: and who's genetics gave you the ability to pilot the car so fast?
LH: My mum's?
AH: Lewis! you know we don't talk about your Mum
LH: We don't do we. Has anyone ever seen her?
AH: no she's locked in my attic but enough of that. How could you treat me like this
LH: Dad! I was embarrased you went everywhere I went
AH: To protect you son
LH: You took all my drivers trophies
AH: To keep them safe!
LH: you scratched my name off and wrote yours off
AH: So burgulars wouldn't steel them!
LH: you slept with my girlfriend
AH: somone had to Lewis!
LH: If you'd taught me the facts of life I might have done
AH: If I taught you the facts of life you wouldn't be the multi world champion you are today
LH: Dad I've only won the title once
AH: and who's fault is that?
LH: Martin Whitmarsh?
AH: No! yours for sacking me! I never wanted to brag but it was me who designed the Mclarens for the last 30 years
LH: are you sure?
AH: Yes shut up.
LH: Awww come on Dad I'd still like us to be friends
AH: Sorry Lewis. Its too late. I have a new son now
LH: What?

MB: Thats right! please welcome Anthony's new son Paul Di Resta

(audience cheers as Paul walks on to 500 miles by the Proclaimers)

MB: Welcome to the show Paul
PdR: ar u callin me english?
MB: No I'm just welcoming you to the show
PdR: Oh so I'm british now am I?
MB: you can be anything you want
PdR: its funny how I'm Scottish when I do wrong things and British when I do things right
MB: I didn't call you either
PdR: you would Jimmy! you would!
MB: No really I wouldn't and if I did it wouldn't mean I have a problem with Scotland - I'd just be telling people where you from in the UK which is actually more than I do for other drivers. I don't go around calling him Devonshires Jenson Button do I?
PdR: But when you do it against us it means your prejuidce
MB: Di Resta is not a very Scottish name is it?
PdR anyway moving on. Anthony is my new dad now and he's going to help me become F1 champion
(Lewis Sniggers)
PdR: you got a problem jim lad?
AH: *whispers* Paul you're suppose to be Scottish not a pirarte
PdR: ermmm.....ok....I mean.....You got a problem wee beastie?
LH: Yeah - you being F1 champion!
PdR: Whats funny about that...errmmm...Jock!
LH: Well you drive for Force India and you can't even beat my mate Adrian Sutil
PdR: Its my first season and Sutil's a good driver
LH: *sniggers* If you say so
PdR:*reverts to American accent* He is! he's really good! The guy who run's Renault said he was a knockout - well he said something about a knockout - I assume thats what he meant.
LH: well I guess when you've been driving in DTM he probably seems good
PdR: DTM is a top class series!
LH: Yeah right! Ralph Schumacher? David Coulthard?
PdR: Gary Parfetts in it
LH: Parfett? oh you mean the Mclaren coffee boy?
PdR: My cousin is Dario Franchetti
LH: The Guy from pop Idol?
PdR: Right thats it *resumes Scottish accent* I'm gonna toss your caber laddie!
(fight breaks out. Audience cheer)

MB: Goes to show. You can't choose your family. On next weeks showwe have Fellipe Massa talking about being an unloved son. Now its over to Derek Warwick who's spent the weekend being fisted by Bernie Ecclestone....Derek!
Does the minion look something like this?

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