Montezemelo's Revenge

The office at the top of Maranello tower. An Italian man in glasses enters the room, as his boss swivels around in his huge backed chair.

SD: Forza Ferrari!
LdM: Forza Ferrari! What was it you wanted, Stefano?
SD: A few things. First, we've noticed Mike Coughlan hanging around the bins again.
LdM: Give him one of our dossiers.
SD: That nearly didn't work last time, Luca, are you sure...?
LdM: If Williams are on the pace next year, the Place de la Concorde will find out about it.
SD: OK, second, Rob is getting irritated by the team strategy.
LdM: Tell him we can bring back Badoer if he's not happy.
SD: Do we really want to hamper our second car that much?
LdM: Quite frankly, Stefano, you need to hamper second cars more. Did you see that mess in Germany last year? It should not happen again. If I see that Brazilian fool ahead of Fernando again there will be trouble.
SD: Of course, sir.

They are interrupted by a small work-experience boy.

SWEB: Mr di Montezemelo, Ron Dennis was on the phone for you.
LdM: Did you take a message?
SWEB: Of course, sir.
LdM: What was the message?
SWEB: I have no idea, sir.
LdM: Tell him I'll return his correspondence forthwith.
SWEB: Of course, sir.

The boy leaves the room, almost colliding with a brash Yorkshireman holding a glass to the wall.

LdM: Was there anything else, Stefano?
SD: No, sir, everything is fine.
LdM: One more thing. Win us the Belgian Grand Prix.
SD: Yes, sir.
LdM: With Alonso
SD: Of course, sir.

 

[teabagyokel]

Ecclestone and Briatore marched up to Luca's office. Luca re-did his hair and waited.

In Milton Keynes, Helmut Marko, Christian Horner and Adrian Newey sat down in their cinema, connected to their "Ferrari Spy Camera"

HM: Popcorn, Christian?
CH: Yeah, no, yeah.
HM: Whatever.

Stefano didn't want to see this...

BE: What the is happening here?
LdM: Ah, Bernie, welcome to Ferrari?
BE: Did I say it was time for pleasantries. We're here with an announcement.
FB: I have-a the announcement.
BE: Go ahead, please Poodle.

Just then something fell onto the floor.

BE: What the was that?
LdM: Its McLaren's spy camera. Doesn't work properly. By the way, have we still not found Red Bull's?

CH: Yeah, no, you won't find it.
AN: No, it is quite an excellent design, if I do say so myself.
HM: Gooood, more Winfinger for them to watch.
[All-three heartily laugh]

BE: Carry on, Poodle.
FB: You a-promised me to be-a the team principal.
SD: What?
FB: You a-not give-a me the job. I sue you.
SD: Hold on, you were going to give him my job!
LdM: Well, Stefano, I wasn't, you see. He just keeps badgering me about how much Fernando needs him, and sometimes you just... erm... say something to get a moron out of your office. That's how Felipe got his contract for next year.
BE: So, ready to fight in the courts, Mr. Montezemelo?
LdM: The Ferrari lawyers team are ready to fight anything unfair...
BE: Yeah, Ferrari would be completely against things like one team getting a distinct advantage in negotiations, more prize money and so on, wouldn't they?
LdM: We're more important to F1 than you, you old git.
BE: F1's more important to Ferrari than whatever it was you said, you not-exactly-young prat. Anyway, enough talking. Ready Charlie?
CW (shouting from outside): Ready boss.
BE: Say goodbye to your electrical supply.

Whiting pulled the lever plunging the Ferrari factory, and of course Red Bull's cinema screen, into darkness. Bernie and Flavio returned to the FOMMobile.

BE: Nice acting, Poodle.
FB: I no act, I wanna sue-a Montezemelo.
BE: Oh, for sake. You've got no case.
FB: I gotta the good case, Bernie, I gotta the chance.
BE: Ferrari are slightly important to my income, which is why I've switched their lights off rather than do what I did to Dennis. They should fix it in a couple of days.
FB: But I can winna the case.
BE: Not if I pay the judge...

AN: Remember when Bernie tried to unplug our power?
CH: Yeah, no. Good job your engine blown back-up generator was working! Which of course we don't have.

 

[teabagyokel]

Mrs. Domenicali went around the house. She unplugged all the phones and computers and took his mobile off him. She made sure that there was no effective means of communication to the outside world, just for one day! Then she saw him out the window!

LdM: It won't happen again, I just brought a present for Stefano!
MD: OK, leave it on the doorstep then go back to your home!
LdM: OK, fine.

She brought the present in. She rattled it. And she threw it out.

MD: We are not having his motivational techniques at Christmas!

A small trail of sugary liquid seeped out of a wrapped box of cans...

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I am aware that Stefano Domenicali is not married, but he does have a [female] partner. I'm claiming artistic licence. Merry Christmas to all of you at Clip the Apex and Scuderia Ferrari!

 

[teabagyokel]

Felipe arrived back at his office, and found it was bigger; why it was almost as big as Fernando' s!

FM: For sure, Rob, this is bigger than before.
RD: Perhaps a reward for Interlagos. They've knocked into that cupboard. Good boy!
FM: For sure, this is good!

Luca' s voicemail went off...

As big an office as Alonso, you say! Yes, boys, that's what I'm talking about!

 

[teabagyokel]

Pedro walked along the uneven footpath that led to the doors of Maranello. He had always known about this "most unsatisfactory imperfection" as did everyone at McLaren! They say the Old Man himself had insisted they be layed this way to agitate a certain team principal if they should ever need to visit for one of F1's frequent meetings.

SD: Ah, Pedro, welcome to Ferrari. Let me introduce you to the team. This is Felipe!
FM: For sure, Pedro, it is nice to meet you.
SD: And I think you know Fernando.

The two Spaniards exchanged conspiratorial nods.

SD: But this time, we expect you to both work with huge dossiers of Ferrari data.
FM: For sure, if you can't beat them, sue them. Then sign them.
SD: That's the Ferrari motto.

Stefano pointed at the gate, which bore the Ferrari motto in Latin: Fac quod Enzo dicit. No-one ever bothered to translate it any more.

SD: So, Pedro, its your first day. On to the de-McLarenisation process. I notice you were happy with our uneven floor.
PdlR: Yep, I've worked at HRT.
SD: Dear, oh dear, we better get that McLaren IP out of you, there may not be much left...

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca was worried.

LdM: I'm worried.
SD: Why, sir?
LdM: Well, we might not have any moles at Mercedes soon, and their 2014 package needs to be investigated.
SD: We could ring our current mole though?

He dialled the number.

LdM: Hello, is this Michael?
LH: What the frick? Why do I keep getting frickin' calls for Michael?
LdM: Is this not Michael's phone?
LH: No, this is Lewis. I got a new work phone today! But all I'm getting is calls for Michael. Toto told me it was new!
LdM: Hmmm... did Toto tell you anything else.
LH: Yeah, he gave me 3 instructions:

1. Make sure you find out who's calling you on this phone
2. Don't share important technical information with men with strong Italian accents
3. Or Twitter.

LdM: So, what important technical information did he tell you not to share?
LH: Is that an Italian accent?
LdM: No.
LH: Well, we've got a new quintuple deck diffuser, we've got a DRS which stalls the front wing as well as the rear and the engine spits out used radiator oil to make the track slippy for anyone trying to overtake us.
LdM: Right... Anyway, see you later Lewis!
The phone went down. Lewis went straight into Ross' Toto's office.

TW: So did someone ring you?
LH: They did.
TW: Did you find out who they were?
LH: Well, not as such, but it was quite clearly Luca di Montezemelo.
TW: Did you tell him any technical information?
LH: Well, I figured he's not technical enough to figure what I told him was complete bollocks immediately; seems like he swallowed it. He must think I'm a frickin' idiot...

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: So, Fernando is doing the first test, am I right, Stefano?
SD: Well, he left us this note:

LdM: How very peculiar.
SD: I wonder what he's doing there?
LdM: So what are we doing for the first test?
SD: I think its Pedro-time.

 

[teabagyokel]

Day Zero of testing was one of Luca's favourites. The day he was sure that tomorrow would see the newest Ferrari dominate.

LdM: So, has he got back?
SD: Well, the accountancy (tax) team at Official HQ say they saw him at the airport in a hurry.
LdM: So we won't know if the Ferrari is good until next week, will we? Felipe will be driving!
SD: Yep, but it doesn't need to be good with Fernando around, does it?
LdM: So what are your expectations this year?

The team boss knew neither optimistic or pessimistic would serve his interests here. He'd had a lot of time to consider an answer that wouldn't bite him on the arse, and this one might just do it...

SD: I expect that Red Bull will be strong, mainly because I theorise that they are cheating.
LdM: Are you calling our cheating inferior to theirs?
SD: Yeah, we have to be the noble heart of F1, rather than a secretive drinks company or anthracite hole of boring.
LdM: Nice try. Start cheating properly.

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca had been worrying about his lack of influence at the FOM for a while, but had come up with a new plan. A piece of genius, he called it...

LdM: So, Stefano, what do you think, how do we exploit Bernie's weaknesses?
SD: While it is in the Concorde Agreement that we do not acknowledge Mr. Ecclestone's weaknesses, they must exist somewhere. Do we create a bomb made out of £50 notes as a Trojan Horse?
LdM: No, no... that's not what I'm thi... well, lets call that Plan B!
SD: It could work!
LdM: I have mobilised another plan, which I feel is the most likely to pull at Bernie's heart.
SD: If he has one.
LdM: I am assured he has several.
SD: So what is it...

Shallow within the FOM Bunker, Antonio the Ferrari charmer arrived at Tamara's suite with a bunch of flowers and knocked on the door. When the door opened, he ran quickly away...!

SD: I hear there was a hitch with Plan A.
LdM: There was.
SD: What happened?
LdM: Our man turned up to the bunker and was turned away by Mathais the Red Bull lothario.
SD: Red Bull?
LdM: Apparently they reasoned Bernie's weakness was his daughter saying "But daddy, I want it!" weeks ago.
SD: Oh. Is there any good news?
LdM: Well, firstly there's a huge Trojan Pile of Fifties winging its way into Bernie's money collecting room.
SD: And...
LdM: Secondly, Massa was fastest at Jerez yesterday, so just imagine what Fernando is going to do!

 

[teabagyokel]

The bugle players were ready. The hastily convened sign said "Bentornato Rory". Luca stood at the head of an excited senior management.

LdM: I am delighted. Life is beautiful again! 2014 is a good year!
SD: Is he going to make that much of a difference?
LdM: He did before. And if Mercedes keep messing around, could be the old team back again!
SD: That'd be good! You always said "RB" were lucky initials for us!
LdM: Yeah, but then I signed Barrichello! And then I didn't veto that blasted drinks company!
SD: Fair point!
LdM: Maybe we should call next year's car the RB10!
SD: Is it his tenth Ferrari?
LdM: I dunno, haven't been counting. But if we patent the name someone's going to be getting wound up!
SD: That would seem petty. Why not try to ban their car piece-by-piece through the FIA?
LdM: I wasn't aware we weren't?

Just then Luca was interrupted by a young engineer

YE: Sir, Mr. Byrne just turned up in the engineering department.
LdM: But we're all waiting for him here.
YE: Yeah, he said "I'm not bothered with all that fuss" and snuck in a side door...
LdM: Always the quiet man... very well.

The Head of Celebrations looked disappointed. Hopefully Byrne's return would mean he needn't fear redundancy.

 

[teabagyokel]

News had filtered back to Ferrari...

SD: Sir, good news.
LdM: Great! Let's hear it!
SD: You know how Agent Bianchi is at Marussia?
LdM: Yes...
SD: That means he gets to use the McLaren simulator, as part of their existing technical partnership with Woking.
LdM: Seems rather... ahem... vastly injudicious... of McLaren to allow that one!
SD: Great for us. Bianchi has released the first tapes from Marussia.

An engineer is heard begging their finance director for funds for his project.

MFD: Do you think we're bluddy made of money...?

LdM: Lets hope he manages to "overhear" some stuff from Ron's mandatorium anyway...

Brogan, RasputinLives - thankyou!

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca was flicking through a huge dossier.

SD: What is that, sir?
LdM: Ha! I'm glad you asked. It is... ahem... "The McLaren Racing Concern's Attainment Report for 2012, Referencing Achievement in the Department of Escalating Automobile Swiftness".
SD: How did we get our hands on that?
LdM: Well, it didn't involve a bit of espionage, and it certainly didn't involve Agent Bianchi of Marussia.
SD: Good, I like the sounds of that! But what is it about?
LdM: (consulting the Ronglish to Italian dictionary) Erm... McLaren's ... erm... report - that's still ok, on how fast the car went.
SD: Ah!
LdM: But that's not the best bit!
SD: No?
LdM: Due to us owning every photocopying place in Woking, they've not got another copy!

Luca flicked through the book in delight. It flicked open on the last page, at which Luca gave a groan of frustration!

SD: What's wrong, sir?

Unable to speak, Luca just pointed at the page...

[box=120]Dear Mr. di Montezemelo,

Well done on getting this far, we thought you were too daft to do so. But did you really think we were going to give you the chance to get to this first. McLaren's strengths, and we thought to mislabel their weaknesses booklet too! Better luck next time, not!

Christian.

[/quote]

Thanks The Pits.

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca was storming around the factory like a bear with a sore head...

LdM: How the hell did we get beaten by Raikkonen? I remember him, he was hopeless!
RS: Maybe if you gave your bloody fastest driver the best bloody strategy you might have had a chance...
LdM: Yes, Rob, good point...

Hold on a sec, we did give Fernando the best strategy!​

​

Ferrari's historian was polishing the trophy from the 2009 Belgian Grand Prix as Luca entered the museum.

FH: Well, good afternoon, sir.
LdM: Raikkonen was rubbish when he was with us, wasn't he?
FH: Not as such, sir. This is one of my favourite trophies, it was the day when we had the clearest number 1 driver ever, which has always been important to Ferrari. Poor Luca B, though, sir. He also stands as the las- ... erm, latest Ferrari driver to win the World Championship.
LdM: So what should I do about Raikkonen?
FH: I am a poor humble historian, but I suggest you go and mock Mr. Dennis, he's not going to be so happy at the moment.
LdM: Fine.

Luca headed back to his office. He didn't know what it was about Raikkonen. Did he remind him too much of Hakkinen, did 2008 prey on Luca's mind a little too much, was it because he'd carved "KIMI TOOK A SHIT HERE 2007" into the wall of each of the cubicles in the gents?

In fact, someone had suggested Kimi was too similar to Luca, himself, for Luca's liking. He laughed off this suggestion as he sat down to write his mocking e-mail to Ron. Copying in Fernando and Pedro would be a good start...

FH: Need any help, sir?
LdM: Leave me alone, I know what I'm doing.

 

[teabagyokel]

The small work-experience boy approached Domenicali.

SWEB: Forza Ferrari.
SD: Forza Ferrari.
SWEB: Sir, I'm worried about Mr. di Montezemelo!
SD: You know he prefers President di Montezemelo?
SWEB: Yes, President di Montezemelo.
SD: Why?
SWEB: I went to ask him how he liked his coffee and he was just staring at the wall...
SD: Oh, right. I suspected this might happen?
SWEB: Did you?
SD: Yes, I came across an article written by someone from F1 Shift.net on Clip the Apex. He's been salivating for six hours now.
SWEB: Why did you show it him, then?
SD: With President di Montezemelo out of the way, we might get some work done.
SWEB: What work?
SD: Well, first, I'm going up to Mission Control to work out who thought not pitting was a good idea. Felipe's ahead in the Championship and outqualifying Fernando regularly, we're going to get confused if we have to refer to that one as the "lead car".

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca looked out of the window. It was a beautiful day in Maranello, and a beautiful day in Shanghai. Suddenly the phone rang.

LdM: Forza Ferrari!
FB: Hey, Luca, many congratulations!
LdM: Hello, Flavio, to what do I owe this ... pleasure?
FB: Well, I just say how well you are doing with a Flavio managed driver in your car.
LdM: Yes, Fernando is quite excellent. But we're not signing Mark Webber.

The phone went dead.

LdM: ... yet.

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca and Stefano looked through the window. The new DRS disaster prevention team, convened on Monday morning, were busy checking the flap on the newly constructed rear wings.

LdM: 30 points behind him, because of this idiocy. I will not have it!
SD: Well, sir, we seem to have produced an extremely fast car, and we know massive Championship leads can be frag-
LdM: Don't remind me, or I may have to call for a larger Italian gentleman to tell me these platitudes.
SD: Anyway, what about the Pirelli disaster prevention team?
LdM: Why do we need a Pirelli disaster prevention team?
SD: Well, on Felipe's car...
LdM: I think it is fair to say that disaster was suitably isolated in the correct place.
SD: Yeah, but it could happen to Fernando.
LdM: Well, hmmm...., good point. Get some people on it. I don't want our errors crossing that gap.
SD: OK! Will do.

Stefano had already started this team, but he did have a phone call to make...

SD: Hi, Jean! It's Stefano here. Yeah, fine thanks, you. Can I ask you a favour? No, not a technical veto, unless... no, I completely understand that.... What I need is for the three week breaks to come after the Grands Prix we do well in...!

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: What's happening, Stefano. Fernando's phone isn't dialling out!
SD: Sir, leave it, you've dialled him 40 times this morning.
LdM: 40 times?
SD: It seems a bit stalkerish.
LdM: I have it on good authority that Flavio called him 50 times after the 2006 Spanish GP.
SD: Well, he learns quick, does Fernando.
LdM: How many times did he say Ron called him?
SD: Once.
LdM: What, when he won?
SD: No, to "facilitate a convention to discuss the imminent termination of the commission of biomaton number 1 from the McLaren Racing Concern".
LdM: Ha! Well, that was foolish! Well, what are the issues on the table for Monaco?
SD: Well, there is the small matter of those 17 points, but I do believe Mercedes' performance will allow the supreme tactical decision makers in the paddock to jump to the front of the grid!
LdM: Excellent.
SD: That is us, sir.
LdM: So you keep saying. I would believe it but...
SD: But what?
LdM: If the front wing hits the ground, change it. You dullards.

 

[teabagyokel]

The first meeting of the League to Keep the Current Tyres had just been in session. All Ferrari and Lotus required now was a press release from a high profile figure...

LdM: Hey, Kimi!
KR: Hi.
LdM: So, how are you finding the new tyres?
KR: Round.
LdM: Would you like to keep them that way, do you think?
KR: Yes.
LdM: So you're with us, stopping Red Bull's merciless gerrymandering?
KR: I don't give a shit.
LdM: But surely you want to fight for the title?
KR: I like to race.
LdM: Aren't you ultimately in it for the Championship though?
KR: Yes.
LdM: So can you do a press release for the association combining your old team and your current one?
KR: I'm not doing a press release.
LdM: But surely you don't want to see Red Bull overtake us both?
KR: I don't give a shit. I like to race.
LdM: So you won't help us stop them?
KR: Yes, yes, I'm already doing these things.
LdM: I can get you some free booze thrown in.
KR: I'll consider it.

Whose idea was it to ask him anyway...?

 

[teabagyokel]

November 2000

RB: So, there we are, we won the title. I hope you are satisfied by the year's work.
LdM: Yes, Ross! It was wonderful. Now we need to win more, and I spy a great opportunity.
RB: Well we are at the front, I can see your room for optimism...
LdM: But there is one other thing you must see, Ross, one other thing that changes this summer...
RB: What's that then?
LdM: Remember this, Ross. We have a tyre war next year. It is our job to get "in" with our tyre manufacturer. Make them our tyre manufacturer. Make it clear Ferrari will win them the titles, that we are their best hope. Get them to build their tyres for us and only us. Try to get all the other teams on the different tyre; give us the tailored version. And then... testing. Badoer on Fiorano for months on end. Lap after lap after lap. Get the whole package working perfectly, then you win.
RB: So what you're saying is that you should work closely with the tyre manufacturer, and test?
LdM: Exactly! When you're a team principal, and I'm sure you will be ours someday, that'll come in very handy!

May 2013
SD: What's up, sir?
LdM: I may have made a terrible mistake, nearly 13 years ago...

 

[teabagyokel]

SD: Sir, apparently we're under investigation for secretly testing the tyres.
LdM: What? But we used the 2011 car...
SD: Well, the FIA are asking questions!
LdM: We're going to have to threaten to leave F1 again, aren't we?

Hat-tip The Pits.

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: Can you update me on the latest from the Pirelli situation, Stefano?
SD: Well, Mercedes and Pirelli are being hauled in front of the International Tribunal.
LdM: OK. What is this International Tribunal?
SD: Its an independent court.
LdM: Where does it meet?
SD: At the Place de la Concorde, sir.
LdM: Ah, excellent, I was worried when you said independent there.
SD: I think it is a close one.
LdM: Will our old web interface work, d'you think?
SD: Well, I'm not sure. Worth a trial.

Stefano opens up the FIA website. He types in the user name "SF1950" and the password "Gilles27". A prompt appears:

Hello, Ferrari.

Which trial are you contacting us about?

Stefano types "Mercedes/Pirelli 2013"

And what would be your preferred verdict? If guilty, please specify a punishment...