Montezemelo's Revenge

The office at the top of Maranello tower. An Italian man in glasses enters the room, as his boss swivels around in his huge backed chair.

SD: Forza Ferrari!
LdM: Forza Ferrari! What was it you wanted, Stefano?
SD: A few things. First, we've noticed Mike Coughlan hanging around the bins again.
LdM: Give him one of our dossiers.
SD: That nearly didn't work last time, Luca, are you sure...?
LdM: If Williams are on the pace next year, the Place de la Concorde will find out about it.
SD: OK, second, Rob is getting irritated by the team strategy.
LdM: Tell him we can bring back Badoer if he's not happy.
SD: Do we really want to hamper our second car that much?
LdM: Quite frankly, Stefano, you need to hamper second cars more. Did you see that mess in Germany last year? It should not happen again. If I see that Brazilian fool ahead of Fernando again there will be trouble.
SD: Of course, sir.

They are interrupted by a small work-experience boy.

SWEB: Mr di Montezemelo, Ron Dennis was on the phone for you.
LdM: Did you take a message?
SWEB: Of course, sir.
LdM: What was the message?
SWEB: I have no idea, sir.
LdM: Tell him I'll return his correspondence forthwith.
SWEB: Of course, sir.

The boy leaves the room, almost colliding with a brash Yorkshireman holding a glass to the wall.

LdM: Was there anything else, Stefano?
SD: No, sir, everything is fine.
LdM: One more thing. Win us the Belgian Grand Prix.
SD: Yes, sir.
LdM: With Alonso
SD: Of course, sir.

 

[teabagyokel]

The Ferrari mechanics stopped for the weekly announcement on Maranello's in-house channel.

After a long and rambling speech about how winning the championship was down to 'us' (a word Luca often uses meaning 'you') the mechanics got back to work. However, one engineer was not happy...

The door to Luca's office was broken in two.

RS: What d'you bloody mean my that speech?
LdM: Which part were you thinking?
RS: "We must try to bring the best out of each of us, including Massa, who must achieve the results we expect of him."
LdM: Surely, he should deliver results if he wants to drive for Ferrari.
RS: Have you forgotten about his injury?
LdM: I have been constantly reminded.
RS: Stop mistreating my driver. I've seen all those people out the window, Jaime Alguersuari is there now! Its not on!
LdM: Yes, and I believe Sakon Yamamoto is waving his chequebook at my office too.
RS: You can't seriously be considering Yamamoto?
LdM: Well, either I could pay Felipe not to score points, or Sakon could pay me not to score points. Oh, look, Jerome d'Ambrosio has just arrived. You'd think these ex-F1 drivers have something better to do, wouldn't you?
RS: Its not on, and you know it.

His point made, Smedley burst out the door. Meanwhile, outside, Jerome d'Ambrosio joined the thronging crowd of drivers jumping up and down outside Maranello saying 'giz a job'

JdA: I thought Ferrari already employed you, Giancarlo.
GF: Yeah. Luca's paying me, Luca, Jules and Marc to, how did he put it, "put pressure on Felipe".
JdA: Nice to see Rubens Barrichello showing a bit of loyalty to a countryman.
AS: Hmmm, I'm not sure, last time I left England he was jumping up and down outside Williams shouting "Senna out" to a high-backed chair.
JdA: What happened?
AS: Frank told him that he wasn't sacking Ayrton for one of Jordan's young upstarts.

 

[teabagyokel]

The camp outside Maranello was packing up and leaving.

JT: So, why're we going?
KC: They're not going to sack Felipe now. He's got some points, and he's still not threatening Fernando.
JT: Where to, then?
AS: I was thinking Brackley. Michael's not looking too hot, is he?
NH: No chance, Adrian, I tried that one. They're not going to sack Michael, he's too much of a legend.
JdA: So, what were you thinking, Nick?
NH: Woking? Many more 16th place finishes and it'll be Jenson out.
KC: Whitmarsh sack Button? No chance, none at all.
VL: So, why're we leaving. There's nowhere else to go?

The camp reassembled itself, and Luca smiled in his office.

LdM: You see how the pressure has worked on young Felipe?
SD: He's still , sir.
LdM: Yes, but looking more Irvine than Minardi at the moment.
SD: Fair enough. Should we get rid of the camp then?
LdM: What, as a temporary reward?
SD: Yes.
LdM: Get Smedley to give a coded message to the camp on loudspeakers.

Five minutes later, the camp heard something:

RS: Bruno. Is. A. Williams. Driver. Do you understand the message?

The camp all set off for Grove.

 

[teabagyokel]

The Principal's Press Conference - Valencia

FOM Journo: You know how George Bush said he hoped man and fish could co-exist. Isn't Valencia a case of proving that F1 and fish can co-exist?
MW: It is the position of the McLaren group that fish cannot drive F1 cars.
LPS: We would give a fish a run in an F1 car if that fish could pay its way. Ask about our driving deals with your local HRT agent.
TF: Mike says that a fish might give us half a second.
SD: Why not? F1 and fish can co-exist, Xenophobes and foreigners can co-exist, even Vettel and Alonso can co-exist!

Thus a rumour was born...

 

[teabagyokel]

Valencia, 2012

LdM: Remember the early 2000s, Jean?
JT: Oui, Luca.
LdM: When we spent all our time sweet-talking the FIA into favouring us in the rules.
JT: Oui.
LdM: When we made sure we got that technical veto.
JT: Oui.
LdM: When we spent billions of pounds building the best car, testing it and refining it.
JT: Oui.
LdM: When we created a monster car just to win the title.
JT: Oui.
LdM: Why did we bother?

 

[teabagyokel]

Ferrari saw Lotus had signed a deal with Batman, and remembered Red Bull's deals with Silverstone and Monaco. Luca kicked himself. Nine years ago he'd had the chance to join in with that trend:

LdM: So, Ross, we've got a new sponsorship deal
RB: Yes, we have.
LdM: Any ideas on livery?
RB: How about flourescent green lines trimming the shape of the car?
LdM: Really? That'd be disgusting.
RB: I think it would be quite nice.
LdM: OK! How about you?

The Head of Livery was more than slightly piqued that Brawn was asked first, but as a Ferrari employee was always polite to Luca lest his arse fly out the door.

HoL: Well, I have this drawing?
LdM: Interesting plan. How long have you been working on this?
HoL: Months, sir.
LdM: Well, I'm surprised. Looks quite good. What's the drawback?
HoL: We'll need a quantity of non-red paint.
LdM: Right...
HoL: And my department budget only has red paint with either black or white.
LdM: Well, can't you do it in red.
HoL: How? You won't even see him.
LdM: The film's called Finding Nemo!

Thinking back, Luca didn't regret not doing the deal with Pixar...

2010:

Steve Jobs was meeting Christian Horner in his capacity as a big cheese with Pixar

CH: So, you want me to promote your movies at the European GP?
SJ: iDo
CH: Well, have I got a deal for you. I can think of a way to promote Wall-E, Up and Cars all in one...

 

[teabagyokel]

Pat Fry and Luca Baldisseri approached the gates of Maranello to be met with a huge queue of red-clad people.

PF: Luca, what are all these queueing for?
LB: Well, Pat, we're on pole for the second week in a row and we are leading the Drivers' Championship. Fernando is driving like an absolute genius, and even Red Bull have their drivers taking points off each other. Everyone laughed at our car at the start of the season, and now it looks awesome.
PF: I am aware of that. How does that explain the queue?
LB: Well, Mr. di Montezemelo is in such a good mood that they're all asking for favours...

Pat laughed. He knew in Woking that the monthly "Petition Ron" session was having no takers at all.

 

[teabagyokel]

Christian Horner marched into the FIA antechamber, facing the technical delegation.

SD: ...so, we at Ferrari, believe that Red Bull have an adjustable ride height system.
JB: I reckon they do.
CH: Yeah, no... we don't.
SD: If you know so little about adjustable ride height, why is Adrian Newey currently adjusting the height of Mr. Bauer's chair.
AN: It was inefficient.
CH: And irrelevant.
SD: Face it, Horner, your car is illegal.
CH: Erm... your car is illegal too.
SD: What?
CH: You have adjustable ride height.
SD: You can't just turn it on us?
CH: I think you need to investigate.
JB: We will now go on to investigate Ferrari, giving Red Bull time to change their probably illegal car.
CH: Thankyou!

Back at Maranello...

LdM: How did it go?
SD: Well.
LdM: How so?
SD: They'll have to take off the ride height system!
LdM: No disqualifications?
SD: I think we have to accept it!
LdM: Accept what?
SD: In terms of the early 2000s, they're Ferrari!
LdM: What does that make us?
SD: McLaren.
LdM: My God!

Five hours later, at the FIA, Sam Michael headed in for the already finished meeting.

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca couldn't believe what he was seeing...

LdM: McLaren... Tooned!? Tooned?
SD: Yes, sir.
LdM: I thought we were the heart of Formula One and they were the corporate no-soul zone.
SD: So did I, sir.
LdM: So what is this? What the hell is this?
SD: I really have no idea, sir, I really don't.
LdM: Right, we'll have to take action then.
SD: What kind of action?
LdM: We're either going to kidnap Alexander Armstrong, or create Ferrari Tooned!

Three weeks later, after a long siege on Alexander Armstrong's house which ultimately proved his years of playing RAF fighter pilots had paid off, di Montezemelo was at the end of his teather...

LdM: We're going to be the heart of F1, rather than just saying we are, aren't we, Stefano?
SD: I think so. But I don't think we need a cartoon.
LdM: I will not be less media-friendly than McLaren-bloody-Mercedes.
SD: We're not competing with McLaren, though. We're competing with Red Bull!
LdM: Stefano, you fool. We are Scuderia Ferrari. We are always competing with McLaren!

To be continued...

 

[teabagyokel]

Ferrari's director had spent ages studying what made McLaren Tooned work, without breaching any McLaren Intellectual Property, of course. He had crafted a beautiful show, although he had done the voices for now because Fernando and Felipe would only be available when - well, if - the project was green lighted.

FD: Sirs, may I present to you, Scuderia Ferrari Animatonio!

The Director beamed with pride as the animation was shown to the assembled hierarchy. Then he made the mistake of asking for questions:

LdM: So, why does the picture imply that Fernando and Felipe are equivalently talented drivers?
FD: Well, the competition between the two drivers is artistically very important to the dynamic...
RS: Yeah, why shouldn't they bloody be equivalent!
LdM: It may be a cartoon but we don't want to get too outlandish though - Felipe keep up with Fernando? That just doesn't happen!
FM: For sure, I try my best.
RS: You needed to take more time around the fountain on the way in, then you could have beaten him.
FM: For sure. It is very difficult. For sure.
FD: OK, that could, I suppose, be edited.
LdM: Right. Why did we mention that dirty Mercedes traitor in that trophy cabinet gag?
FD: Well, Michael's chin is worth a comment or two, no? I thought an oversized chin strap...
LdM: No! He left us to save that idiot's job, then turned up with them German fools later! Why bring back the pain?
FM: For sure, I nearly took the title.
LdM: Since when has nearly been good enough for Ferrari!
RS: He came bloody closer than Fernando has been.
FA: Renault gave me good cars. McLaren gave me good car but sabotage. Ferrari need to give me good car, then I win.
FD: Well I suppose we could make it... erm... Kimi's vodka stall.
LdM: Oh, yeah, because Kimi was great for us.
FM: For sure, I beat him in 08, for sure, I beat him until I got hurt in 09.
SD: He did win the title, sir.
LdM: We won the title for him with that McLaren farce!
FA: They sabotage. They build Ferrari 2 for Yewis. They build crapbox for me. I still got within one point.
FM: For sure, I came within a point of the title once too!
FD: Is there anything else, gentlemen?
SD: Why isn't Mr. di Montezemelo appearing?
FD: Erm... should he be?
SD: He is at the heart of the Ferrari family.
FD: Well, you hardly see Ron Dennis in McLaren Tooned.
LdM: Ferrari Animatonio was to be better than McLaren Tooned, and the benevolent... (Rob Smedley's laugh turned quickly into a cough) ... dictator is just the character that is needed to do so.
FM: For sure, I'm not sure.
FD: But there is no artistic merit to any of these suggestions. They are the ideas of people who just don't get it. Its just not on! I quit. Screw you Ferrari! I'm off!

The Former Ferrari director left and Ferrari Animado was shelved. The Director tried to go on to other F1 projects but quit for a nice retirement after a day in a recording studio with Romain Grosjean, wondering when Kimi was going to turn up...

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca was making a phone call.

LdM: Mr. Ecclestone, I know you are in charge of F1 and can ban whoever you like. But believe me when I say, I am in the command of the hordes that will turn out next weekend, and I can make life very difficult. You don't take Fernando out like that. You don't damage Ferrari like that. So it is simple, either you ban Romain Grosjean, or the smiling French-Swiss will find himself in a rather uncomfortable position when he should be qualifying. You understand?

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: Stefano, remember when Nigel gave McLaren that confidential information?
SD: Yes.
LdM: And we got them chucked out of the Constructors' Championship.
SD: Yes.
LdM: Well, they've responded in the most ham-fisted, moronic and idiotic way possible!
SD: I think everyone is in possession of that data, sir! (ha ha)
LdM: How will we avoid the punishment for holding confidential data? (ho ho)
SD: Well, we'll just have to not use the data, sir.
LdM: Make sure that happens, Stefano. (ho ho)
SD: Got a whole team downstairs dissecting the data piece-by-piece so we don't inadvertently use any of it.
LdM: That's what I like to hear!

 

[teabagyokel]

The staff at Maranello who had "volunteered" to form a salvage team were preparing. Luca met the head of the team...

HoST: I don't know if we can repeat the unqualified success of last year.
LdM: The Red Bull front wing was a real coup? What do you think you can get?
HoST: As you know, it is unpredictable, but I was thinking Williams parts!
LdM: Williams parts?
HoST: With Grosjean out, might be the only thing on the market, sir.
LdM: Well that's-

The second half of this post was really interesting, but it was cut because these are getting too long.

 

[teabagyokel]

Press Officer: So, sir, what is our opinion on flexi front wings?
LdM: We haven't worked out how to do this yet so are going to bitch and moan about everyone else until we sus it out

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca was down at the Ferrari farm when Stefano met him.

LdM: We have a problem?
SD: Is it your chickens?
LdM: Well, I don't want two roosters in the hen house, that's for sure, but no, we have a bigger problem?
SD: Is it your cows?
LdM: The thing I'm thinking is a bit more bovine.

As they talk, Ferrari employees hit bushes with sticks, flushing out several journalists.

SD: Oh no, not...
LdM: Red Bull. Red bloody Bull. Not only do they humiliate us...
RS: Well, Felipe would have caught him.
LdM: ...and make Felipe pine for a number 1 role... AGAIN! They go out and pull a stunt like a space skydive to really make us look like a team of no-hopers.
SD: Rob, if you carry on interrupting the boss, we'll have to find someone else to be Vettel's race engineer.
RS: Sorry, I'll be on my way.
SD: Anyway, what are we going to do about it?
LdM: We must do something better than a skydive from space.
SD: Like what?

Luca points to a giant silo behind the chicken coop. Stefano gasps, and even Smedley is distracted from his daydreaming of the day he hears "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! That's what I'm talking about! Thank you boys!" in his headphones to wonder at Luca's new project.

LdM: Yes, it is Spazio Ferrari.
SD: Oh!
LdM: In 2014, we need to find a man to go to the moon, someone no longer needed by the F1 project. Any Brazilians in space before?

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca was waiting in the Ferrari dungeon for one of his favourite members of staff when Stefano interrupted...

SD: Sir, have you heard the latest news from Helmut Marko?
LdM: Of course I have.
SD: He says Vettel has a "bullet proof" contract for 2014, sir.
LdM: Indeed he does. And I like to take a man at his word.
SD: [now palpably worried] Sir?
LdM: If Marko is telling the truth, I think we need - ah, and that's why the Head of Armarments is here.
HoA: Your bazooka, sir.
LdM: This will be fantastic for that contract...
SD: D'you think you took something a little too literally?
LdM: To Milton Keynes...

Fortuanately, there were no casualties, as Luca was stopped at the gates of the Red Bull Energy Complex when Felix Baumgartner landed on him.

AN: I told you the brand new Skydive defensive system would work perfectly, Christian.
CH: Yeah, no... well, Skydivers used as defensive weapons are completely illegal and therefore we don't use them.
AN: Its obvious we have, sir.
CH: Yeah, no it isn't.

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca was on the Ferrairoplane on his way back to Italy, looking wistfully out to the sea...

LdM: Did you know, Stefano, I used to be the manager of a sailing team?
SD: Yes, sir. I heard about it. Didn't you fail to get to the Americas Cup, though?
LdM: We got within one match of it. Essentially, we finished third.
SD: Bad luck, sir.
LdM: Indeed it was, because I'm not sure I like team principals who finish third...

Stefano decided, to use sailing terminology, the waters were getting choppy.

SD: Have you always been nautical, sir?
LdM: Why, yes, Stefano, I love the sea.
SD: If only we could use the Ferrari livery to show how much you love the sea, sir.
LdM: Well, we keep plastering all of those shells on it?
SD: Well, that's a sponsorship deal, isn't it?
LdM: Yes, I suppose. Well, there's always the navy?
SD: How so?
LdM: We could put their logo on our car.
SD: Won't that look like an overt populist political gesture in support of those sailors?
LdM: Hmmm... I hadn't thought about it in the sense that it might make me extremely popular at home.
SD: Well, that's against F1's rules.
LdM: When was the last time we gave a toss about F1's rules?
SD: I dunno, its a cosmetic thing, just the sort of thing His Grand Eccleship would get upset about?
LdM: Just more reasons to put it on there, I think...

Meanwhile, deep underground, in a large control room, two poorly renumerated minions saw the red light on their console of 12 differently coloured old-fashioned lightbulbs start flashing.

Minion 1: Oh no!
Minion 2: Well, I told His Eccleship last time.

The first minion, in trepidation, climbed the stairs to the Penetralia Storage room.

 

[teabagyokel]

SD: We've been trawling the websites, sir, you might be interested in this:

Fernando expects to score points than Vettel tomorrow. I presume he will be sneaking into the Red Bull pit tonight and sticking a potato into the Red Bull's exhaust.

LdM: Trace that leak. And use a different vegetable.

 

[teabagyokel]

At an airport in Sao Paulo, an officious customs official was querying the head of the Ferrari party:

CO: You can't take these in to the country.
SD: These are essential for our job.
CO: You can't bring these in, you loon.
SD: They're imperative!
CO: Look, I know you, you're in F1. What could you need a rocket-propelled grenade for?
SD: The boss said it was for... erm... a "Congratulations for winning the Constructors Championship" present.

 

[teabagyokel]

An expensive golden Ferrari is pulled up next to a police car in the Maranello area...

PO: Sir, that's not how traffic lights work.
LdM: No, apparently you can drive on yellow!
PO: Of course not! That's stupid.
LdM: There was a green flag waving. (sobs)
PO: Sir, that's not relevant...
LdM: Take it up with the sodding FIA then, you bastard...

The Police Officer watches as the coiffured man in front of him breaks down in tears, and lets him off with a warning.

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca and Stefano were in Luca's office, worried.

SD: Calm down, sir, it'll be fine.
LdM: How will it be fine, Stefano?
SD: I'm sure he doesn't bear a grudge!
LdM: Really?
SD: Yes, money's more important to Bernie than anything else!
LdM: He holds a grudge all right. He invited Nelson Piquet to the Brazilian GP just to fail "pay him back!"
SD: Eh?
LdM: He's upset Nelson left him in 1986.
SD: How could he hurt Nelson these days?
LdM: He got five minions to go around Interlagos tripping him up all weekend.

Just then an announcement came over the tannoy.

Announcer: The Ecclesplane has landed in Modena, and the FOMMobile is heading for Maranello!

LdM: Oh crap!