The Lewis Hamilton Non-News Thread

[Fenderman]

Um, no, but er ...yes, no ... for sure.

 

[teabagyokel]

Lewis Hamilton's solutions for global poverty have come up way short of the mark.

 

[Fenderman]

... which wouldn't be such a bad thing were it not the case that The Mark's shorts did him no favours at all in that notorious, nay infamous, pre-season cycle crash.

 

[cider_and_toast]

There is far too much negativity about Hamilton in this thread. I read a story recently that said his farts were so divine that just the smallest whiff could cure the blind. Why aren't the press talking about this and not a silly incident involving a jacket and tie?

 

[racecub]

Hamilton flies helicopter home from family day out in shock horror revelation!

Hamilton becomes ambassador for Invictus Games and plays basket ball with injured ex servicemen.

Well that's just showing off!!

 

[RasputinLives]

Lewis Hamilton gets tattoo that looks like its been done in biro

Lewis Hamilton gets inked in New York with massive new shoulder tattoo

Rumours that its the blueprints of a prison he's planning to break someone out of (prob his dad) are yet to be confirmed.

 

[Brogan]

Hamilton has been accused by the whole world of ruining F1 for the rest of time, after once again qualifying in pole position for the Hungarian GP.

BBC Sport - Lewis Hamilton has destroyed F1

Why would he do this? It's so mean. Why doesn't he let some other drivers qualify on pole or win occasionally? Perhaps German or Finnish drivers for example?

I think we can now see that Hamilton's decision to leave McLaren was a mistake. Why couldn't he have just stayed where he was and we could have watched the GPs together from the pits.

Mnuh.

 

[Incubus]

The paddock has today gone into overdrive following the spotting by an unnamed onlooker of a pearl of sweat coming off Hamilton's forehead as he took off his helmet following his victorious pole at the Hungarorring.

this has led to rife speculation that Lewis may be the owner of undisclosed glands. Paddock insiders now believe the British driver has a gland-related clause in his contract which could potentially come into effect should his gland expectoration levels that exceed an undeterminated amount understood to be measured telemetrically through Mercedes's FIA-sanctioned bolidywastographer.

An unnamed source within the Mercedes camp who preferred to remain anonymous under the name of Niki Lauda has refused to comment other than to say "it's all a load of bollocks that some twat at Clip the Apex who's drunk as a fart has just come up with".

The author of this post is barely available for comment.

 

[teabagyokel]

I saw that video. While you can't blame him for having sweat glands, his helmet-removal technique is extraordinarily poor. He already lost the 2007 Championship because of this, and he'll have more heartache if it continues.

 

[Brogan]

Hamilton Saves Site From Certain Death

 

[Incubus]

The paddock has today gone into overdrive following the disclosure of rumours that the Mercedes garage is a cocaine-oozing den where illegal substances are regularly used.
Hitherto unsubstantiated claims were inadvertently given a public admission by Mr Hamilton's claims that his co-defendant Mr Rosberg had "taken his line". This has led to accusations of favouritism between the two team-mates in the face of Mr Rosberg's apparent refusal to share his lines.

An unnamed source within the Mercedes camp who preferred to remain anonymous under the name of Charlie-Niki Loudass has refused to comment on the rumours as he was "busy watching the replays while looking for that bastard what nicked one of my eyeballs".

 

[teabagyokel]

Lewis Hamilton has been embroiled in the latest spot-fixing scandal to hit the world of sport, according to our sources.

Accusations have flown around social media that the Englishman, 30, has been deliberately "underperforming" in practice sessions, angering gamblers who had backed him to win such sessions rather than his team-mate Nico Rosberg.

"Its an absolute disgrace," noted the Head of the British Association of Gamblers and Self-Made Paupers, John Poire, "Our members spend loads of money backing Hamilton to win practice sessions, qualifying sections, even to lead on certain laps. How are we to know when the game is rigged because he underperforms at certain times or pits first?"

However, respected former Williams second-in-command Patrick Head does not blame Hamilton. "All we were ever able to get Nico to win were practice sessions. He seems to think they get him points or something. He takes them more seriously than anyone has any right to."

Hamilton was unavailable for comment, as he was celebrating winning the race.

 

[Fenderman]

... ... What's the betting that someone, somewhere will get that idea and run with it as real?

 

[Olivier]

Lewis Hamilton has been embroiled in the latest spot-fixing scandal to hit the world of sport, according to our sources.

Accusations have flown around social media that the Englishman, 30, has been deliberately "underperforming" in practice sessions, angering gamblers who had backed him to win such sessions rather than his team-mate Nico Rosberg.

"Its an absolute disgrace," noted the Head of the British Association of Gamblers and Self-Made Paupers, John Poire, "Our members spend loads of money backing Hamilton to win practice sessions, qualifying sections, even to lead on certain laps. How are we to know when the game is rigged because he underperforms at certain times or pits first?"

However, respected former Williams second-in-command Patrick Head does not blame Hamilton. "All we were ever able to get Nico to win were practice sessions. He seems to think they get him points or something. He takes them more seriously than anyone has any right to."

Hamilton was unavailable for comment, as he was celebrating winning the race.

This seems to be taken from WTF1; why would Williams comment on Nico's performance and didn't Patrick Head retire a few years ago?

 

[teabagyokel]

I can assure you I haven't taken it from WTF1.

The Patrick Head joke was harking back to when Rosberg used to win FP1 every sodding race in 2009, then be nowhere on Saturday/Sunday.

 

[Brogan]

Olivier, this is a joke news thread intended to be satirical.

 

[Olivier]

Sorry teabagyokel and Brogan I guess the joke is on me

 

[Incubus]

Is it??? And here was me thinking every single news item on here was genuine, including the ones I made up...

 

[Grizzly]

Social Media Star sure he's got something to do in March

 

[Viscount]

Just watched the Australian GP drivers' press conference, amongst the questions about the race and the 2016 season, it was the Daily Mail who were getting to the key issues of the season ahead:

Q: (Jon McEvoy - Daily Mail) Lewis, are you using a Blackberry or an iPhone?

LH: Both