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Rooters News ......... LATEST RUMOUREPORT .......... Rooters News

The rumour mill is running hot with the revelation that the F1 technical working group has just about ironed out all the problems related to the long awaited Constant Radius Tunnel Racing Formula 1 (CRTRF1). Circuit designer, Tilke, has completed the design of the first track to be erected in Trafalgar Square, London, England. This will be the very first state of the art space saving circuit with the entire track on the inside of a 3km circumference tube. The starting grid will form in Pall Mall to enable cars to enter the tube at the requisite speed to enable their aerodynamic devices to "stick" the cars to the track when upside down.

The sticking point with drafting the rules was, apparently, around the difficulty of apportioning blame in the event of a car detatching from the track and falling onto a car below. This has been resolved by utilising the custom and practice applied to the road - i.e. the following car will be deemed to be at fault if it collides with a car in front. One other issue, raised we believe by one Martin Whitmarsh, was related to an accusation that another team had perfected a flexible armrest that would give an unfair advantage to that teams drivers. The CRTRF1FIA have confirmed that such devices will not be tolerated. The other team seemed somewhat put out as it means a complete redesign of the cockpit for their 2031 season challenger.:)

Rooters Technical Division (A department of Rooters International News Agency)8-)


Rooters Reporter

Dateline 20th October 2011. Rooters Newswire

Tellie Fenderman has been given the privilege to introduce you to a new signing to the Rooters News and Rootersport Team

Rad Booton, I can see him now. He's Irish/American. Drinks Murphy's and eats 3/4lb burgers. Until recently, nay today, he reported from bomb craters in Libya. He joins Rooters as a foreign correspondent because the revolution is pretty well over bar the shouting (and maybe a little more shooting). Rad doesn't fancy Afghanistan or Iraq so he is joining Rooters, since we never send our reporters anywhere in reality. Here is Rad's final report from Libya and first report for us:

Tellie Fenderman. Ace Reporter, Conman and Cynical Tale Twister.

Party Time in Libya

Hi, everyone in Clip the Apex Presents. I have just got back from a number of reasonably deep bunkers in Libya. It's been a tough time for the revolutionary's. It didn't escape my attention that back in February - when the crushing of peaceful demonstrations by Qaddafi's regime kicked off the revolution - that the Western meeja attached the label “Rebels” to the Libyan revolutionary's. That caught my interest and I was on my way out there straight away. I knew this was going to be a story.

I wound up with the rest of the outside worlds meeja in the Rixos Hotel in Tripoli. We were treated fairly well but it soon became clear that a brainwashing exercise was under way. Libyan Government spooksperson, Moose'ah Ibrahim, filtered information to us in the most bizarre of fashions.

Clearly, to me, this guy was on another planet, in an alternate reality, parallel universe or just plain nuts. Stuff happened seen by everyone in the outside world but us. Sky, Auntie Boob, CNN and a whole host of other mainstream meeja were represented. Yet, what did they report? They played the state TV videos, Ibrahim interviews and other-worldly footage of the loon, Colonal Qaddafi, making rambling speeches in defiance of the mood in the country.

Until the liberation of Hotel Rixos, I was as ignorant as the rest of the hacks about what was really happening outside. Reality kicked in after a short drive out into the country when our convoy got too close to the front line. The revolutionary's technicals, those Mad Max pick-up trucks mounted with fighter jet rocket launchers and machine cannon, fanned out in all directions and fired volleys in the direction of mortar and tank shell fire.

Our truck rolled over, spilling myself and three other hacks into a bomb hole. That's how I spent the rest of my tour. Peeping out of one crater after another, following the revolutionary's across the desert to Sirte where the final curtain was about to fall on Qaddafi's regime.

There was a poor misguided public relations man who represented Saddam Hussein during the Iraq War. He was tried and executed in the aftermath. I felt sorry for him since his version of events at least made some sense. Moose'ah Ibrahim was something else. He, and for that matter his minions, was in the most extreme state of denial that I have ever witnessed. He has been captured by the revolutionary's and I suspect his demise will be announced soon.

As I write the worlds meeja are in overdrive. Qaddafi is dead and won't be coming back. So, now the gloves are off. “What a great job we did in supporting The Rebels. How good it is that Qaddafi is no more.” They dared not think nor utter those words before, just in case he made it out and went on a terrorist rampage in revenge.

It's only a few months ago the western media were asking, “who are these people?” “Who are the National Transitional Government?” Surprisingly on my return to these shores, Fenderman tells me that they had told us all along. In interviews on Al Jazeera, Press TV and France 24, “Rebels” told you who they were. Doctors, nurses, ex-Libyan army, air-force, street cleaners, shop-keepers, engineers, mechanics, market traders, oil company workers … oh, I get it, the people!

Well, thanks to the French for saying “Merde, Liberte, fraternite, egalite! Qaddafi is about to obliterate Benghazi. Non!” and sending their Mirage jets to take out the mechanised divisions massed on the outskirts of the town of nearly a million inhabitants. C'est Bon!

That momentous action sealed the fate of Qaddafi, since the US and Europe could no longer sit back waiting to see what happens. Many will disagree with our nations getting involved but from where I sit, in comfort - skint maybe but in comfort - never having felt the yoke of true oppression, this is a good day for Libya that otherwise would have been decades away. There was never going to be a green, purple, pink or orange revolution. Qaddafi was no Mubarak and he proved it with his words and his deeds. His entourage lacked the courage or the opportunity (or both) to tell him the truth. He most likely believed in his own mythological story and that the revolution was a fantasy led by that creation of the Americans, Al Qaeda, and that it would all be over in a matter of weeks.

Well, you know the phrase, “They think it's all over! Well, it is now!” For Muammar Qaddafi, anyway.

What now for Libya? Maybe in the not too distant future ... a modern day version of this:

Al Qaeda, incidentally denies ever having been to the Middle East and lives in a cosy cottage in rural Hampshire. He says he doesn't even have a passport.

Rad Booton, Foreign Correspondent

Rooters International Newness Network ( a division of Rooters blah, blah, Agency Agency)8-)


Rooters Reporter

Dateline 30th October 2011. Rooters Newswire


It's not every day that a media figure becomes a phenomenon in his own right rather than writing about other phenomenon's in theirs. Today, however there is such a figure and we have the privilege of interviewing him in our own eponymous ragsheet, Rooting Today. We refer of course to Fenderman, creator of this very same tabloidal tabloid. Rad Booton caught up with him in his own head …

RB: “So, Fender's, as I write you have amassed one thousand six hundred and eight “like's” on that most esteemed of platforms for creative and emotive thought, Clip The Apex. To what do you owe this remarkable popularity?”
Fender's: “A combination of actors.”

RB: “I see and what factors are those?”
Fender's: “Not factors. Actors.”

RB: “Sorry, actors. So who are they, then?”
Fender's: “Well, let's just say that Fenderman's head is a stage. On that stage there is a cast of very capable and able people supported by an equally capable crew.”

RB: “Correct me if I'm wrong but that sounds like Fenderman suffers from a psychiatric disorder known as multi-polarity. Should you not be seeking treatment?”
Fender's: “Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ...”

At this point in our interview a remarkable thing happened. I had never before heard one individual performing, simultaneously, all parts of a choral piece, including bass tenor, tenor, contralto, alto and soprano parts.

Fender's: “... Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ...”

RB: “So how did you come to get into the meeja?”
Fender's: “The meeja got into me.”

RB: “I mean, how did you come to think up Rooters, Rooting Today, Rootersport, New Rooterist, etc, etc?”
Fender's: “It was clear to me that the existing meeja had reached it's Nadir. It was seriously lacking something even lower. Clip is the Apex so it was inconceivable that anything higher could be thought up. At least, not by me. So I thought that, since Autosportabloid had deteriorated to the baseline level, I could do better than that.

RB: “So you are saying that FENDERMANMANIA is a consequence of inventing a spurious, ill-conceived, poorly executed, lowest of the low, tabloidal tabloid?”
Fender's: “Well, I wouldn't go quite that far … but yes.”

RB: “Well thank you, Fender's, and good luck with the rest of your existence, and yours, and yours, and yours, and yours, and ...”

Rad Booton, Foreign Correspondent

Rooters International Newness Network ( a division of Rooters blah, blah, Agency Agency)8-)


Rooters Reporter

Dateline 9th November 2011. Rooters Newswire -------------------------------------------Page One

Ecclesthump Given Immunity from Persecution for Corruption Case Evidence

A court in Munchy, Prussia, is hearing the corruption case of Gethard Grablotski. The case is interesting to us F1 buffs since it involves our Formula Wonderful Boss Bloke, Bernice Ecclesthump. In a master stroke of judicial mis-direction Ecclesthump has thrown the case in the opposite direction to the usual norms.

Grablotski is accused of accepting a … now get this .. $44,000,000 (£27,000,000) bribe from Ecclesthump to keep his trap shut about something or other that could cost Ecclesthump £2,000,000,000.

Ecclesthump is a witness for the persecution with immunity (in this case) from persecution himself. Brilliant. The corruptor corrupts the corruptee who gets busted! Smart move and this is why Formula Wonderful is in safe hands. The man is a Master Magician, a Wizard no less. Indeed, it is no coincidence that he bears a striking resemblance - albeit somewhat shorter - to Al Bumbledork, the master wizard in the Larry Potablewater trilogy by global award winning author J.K.Trawlingotherpeoplesbooksforideastonick.

Ecclesthump told the court that he paid one-time banker, Grablotski, to keep schtum because if he didn't it would cost Blighty's taxpayers an awful lot of money on a wasteful and extravagant investigation into Ecclesthump's tax affairs. This, thought Ecclesthump, would be so grossly unfair to us Blighty taxpayers that out of the kindness of his heart a tasty bribe to a bankster seemed a far better proposition, which he duly proposed and Grablotski duly accepted.

Oh, did I mention that it could cost Ecclesthump £2,000,000,000? I did? Oh, good.

Bizarrely on a superficial level, Grablotski seems to have done what no-one else on planet Earth has yet managed to do. That is, do a deal with Ecclesthump in which Ecclesthump makes no money! Incredible! You see, Ecclesthump got commissions worth $41,400,000 from Grablotski's bank and a sizeable but undisclosed lump to a trustfund for selling out Formula Wonderful to a ConVertaCash operation.

So let's do some sums:

Bernice gives Gethard $44,400,000
ConVertaCash gives Bernice $41,000,000
Gethard's bank gives Bernice $x
If: 44,400,000 – 41,000,000 = 2,600,000
Could it be that x = 2,600,000?
Answer: Probably No Way, Hose!

But by that calculation Ecclesthump would break even. Oh, but hang on … what was all this dealing about? Oh, yes, of course the commissions to Bernice were to enable the sale of another company's shares in his own family business (Formula Wonderful) to ConVertaCash. Question. How much did the other company get from ConVertaCash for the business? And, Rooters asks, how much does Ecclesthump get for his role as ConVerta's Head Honcho? Rooters also asks “How much does Bernice get from his share dividends?

Answers on a postcard, please to:

Tellie Fenderman, Acting Boss Editor Bloke
Rooters News Group8-)
Rooting House
Rooters Lane

Final thoughtword: Ecclesthump says the payment was not a bribe. It was legitimate payment for services rendered.

Ah. thought so.

Rad Booton, Foreign Correspondent

Rooters International Newness Network ( a division of Rooters blah, blah, Agency Agency)8-)


Rooters Reporter

Dateline 9th November 2011. Rooters Newswire -----------------------------------------------------------------------Page Two

In Other News:

Le Francelandish Court Rules Mostlymad's Character Not Defamed Since He Was Caught In S&M Episode Which Means That Was Indeed His Character As It Was Him And Not Somebody Else

Ex-Finalised In Advanced boss, Mightymax Mostlymad has won a small victory in a tiny municipal court in the back streets of Partisan, Le Franceland (a large Europhilic country next to Prussia, Poirotland and Spain). TNOW, the tabloid that inspired the creation of Rooting Today, was found guilty of violating Mostlymad's privacy in 2008 by publishing naughty photographs of his gambolling with ladies of the night.

NewsCrop, the owner of the ex-tabloid, has been hit with a token fine of 10,000 euros (eight and a half grand in Blighty pounds) and a miserly 7,000 euros in damages for 71 year old Mr Mostlymad. As it is skint, the court told NewsCrop to cough up court fees to the tune of 15,000 euros.

Having won damages in the Blighty courts, Mr Mostlymad was peed off that he didn't get enough dough out of NewsCrop that time so sued them again in Le Franceland. He could do that because Francelanders foolishly bought a lot of TNOW rags over there on a regular basis. Un Francelander told Rooters, “we needed le papier de toilette,”

Le Judge said, “zere was no defamation so 'ow could we penalaaz le reporteur, Neville 'urtleback? Not urnly zat, burt Neville is surch un naace Francelandish nom.”

Mr Mostlymad wanted damages to the tune of six figures from Mr Hurtleback and from Newscrop. Le Judge thought that was insane and said “Non. Next case, s'il vous plait.”

The front page spread, of naughty pictures and video stills, showed Mr Mostlymad (son of brownshirt bosslord Outwardly Mostlymad) having shed loads of fun frolicking with feisty fillies in an orgy with very nasty overtones. A Blighty judge had already chucked Mostlymad's claim out, singing “... a picture paints a thousand words .. la, la, hum, hum ...”

In 2008, the Blighty High Court awarded Mr Mostlymad £60,000 damages after ruling TNOW invaded his right to privately having a tawdry sex life. The court said at the time that TNOW had no justification yo publish the story.and reveal to the whole world Mostlymad's sexual perversions. Ruptured Mudrock, NewsCrop perpetrator said, “Strewth, Cobber, what the **** do you think sells our bloomin' rag?”

Speaking on Rooters TV on Tuesday, Mr Mostlymad's lawyer Flippy Quadrat said: "What this is, is a sort of oil spill on the beach of Franceland. It was crucial for Mr Mostlymad to get a result."

The Partisan ruling comes a mere six months after the Europeeps Court of Homo Sapien's Rights and Responsibilities (ECoHSRaR) bunged out Mr Mostlymad's attempt to force newsrags to tip peep's off before blowing the whistle on said peep's personal private perversions, promptly.

Rad Booton, Foreign Correspondent

Rooters International Newness Network ( a division of Rooters blah, blah, Agency Agency)8-)


Rooters Reporter

Dateline 19th November 2011. Rooters Newswire -------------------------------------------Page One

Formula Wonderful Dodgy Sale Case: Blighty Fraud Outfit looks at Ecclesthump

Loondon, Friday: The Blighty's Spurious Fraud Outfit is taking a look at Formula Wonderful head honcho Bernice Ecclesthump's iffy relationship with Gethard Grablotski. As reported by Rooters, the Prussian banker Grablotski is on trial in Munchy, Prussia for allegedly taking a £28 million back-hander from Ecclesthump to help sell off a chunk of Formula Wonderful.

A Spurious Fraud Outfit spooksperson said, “If we can bust Mr. Ecclesthump in Blighty, hey why not? We haven't had a scalp like that since The Profumo Affair!” The SFO is having a chat with the Prussian Fed's, conscious of the fact that this one could make or break a lot of careers.

Of particular interest is the allegation that Ecclesthump was personally controlling Bambi, allegedly a fictional character but actually a front animal for a family trust with an aversion to tax.

The attorney general, Dominatrix Grief confirmed that Blighty's SFO is licking its lips with the prospect of doing Formula Wonderful fans a favour. His buddy in Blighty's government, Emmy Thornybush, told Rooters, “The trial raises issues of back-handery, bad naughtiness and tax aversion that we need to investigate in Blighty. Not since the squelching out of Mightymad Mosleymax has there been such an opportunity to clean Formula Wonderful's squiffy house.”

Meanwhile, in Munchy, Grablotski's arrest has kicked off one of the biggest naughtiness trials in Europhilean history. Stevie Mullahsthem, the Blighty lawyer who jacked in his seven directorships of Formula Wonderful front organisations, ducked out of court. He claims he is exercising his right not to say stuff that might land him knee deep in “pile of shit alley”.
Mullahsthem was right in there with Grablotski, Ecclesthump and Bambi in the alleged naughty stuff, whilst also being Bambi's “legal eagle”.

When he didn't turn up, Der Judge took evidence from the Prussian persecutor who squeezed him during the alleged back-hander investigation. Mullahsthem blabbed to the persecutor that Slavish Ecclesthump, the F1 megalomaniac's ex-missus and the beneficiary of Bambi, had said Grablotski was a hard bastard and that Mullahsthem should watch Bambi's arse. The court heard that the initials “SJM” were on a draft agreement between Grablotski and Bambi, but that Mullahsthem said he thought that meant “Slow Jamaican Music” and has nothing to do with him saying “I don't like reggae ...”.

Ecclesthump and Mullahsthem have yet to be charged with anything naughty and the persecution of Grablotski continues.

Rad Booton, Foreign Correspondent

Rooters International Newness Network ( a division of Rooters blah, blah, Agency Agency)8-)


Rooters Reporter

Dateline 2nd June 2012, already - Rooters Newswire

Julian “Jewel in the Wikileaks Crown” Assange Looks Set to Lose Extradition Fight


Julian Assange – Photo courtesy of Wikipedia

Almost two years on, Julian Assange’s battle with Blighty’s authorities to avoid extradition to Swedesland is reaching its climax. Accused of sexually assaulting two women in Swedesland, the founder of Wikileaks has lost another round of his appeal to the highest court in Blighty Land.

Ever since William Congreve penned the immortal words “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned ... nor hell a fury >:( like a woman scorned” (The Mourning Bride -1697) well educated blokes have learnt to reject the fairer sex with care. Apparently he didn’t and Assange contends that the women want revenge and that the two are being taken advantage of by the Swedeslandish and Yanklander governments to get him to Yankland via Swedesland.

Special “at this point” Notice:
ROOTERS NEWS CORP’ does not condone offensive behaviour to anyone and has no position on the sexy stuff allegations other than a Homo Sapien is (usually) presumed innocent until found guilty via a fair Judicial process.
Let us remind ourselves that he is to be extradited to Swedesland for “questioning” about the assault allegations. He has not been charged with the original alleged offense of rape, nor the assault, yet. To further the muddy the affair, his accusers admit to having had consensual sex with Assange. However, one says she was coerced and upon insisting that Assange do the deed with a condom, he didn’t. The other said she was asleep:sleeping: , and did not consent to what he got up to.

So why do Swedeland and Yankland want him so badly? Why, because he is responsible for giving a voice to whistle blowing leaky blokes and blokesses, apparently. An ex-hacker, Assange has facilitated the public airing of heaps of leaks of embarrassing emails, communications transcripts, and other documents via his Wikileaks interwebsite. In particular, hundreds of thousands of Yankland Warmongery and Yankland InaState Dept documents that paint a picture of at best an inept regime and at the worst a vindictive, Islamophobic, warmongering superpower bent on the destruction and subjugation of Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran and anyone else who gets in their way.

Blighty’s High Court ruling yesterday says that Assange “can be extradited” to Swedesland for questioning. Assange’s legal eagles have a fortnight to contest the decision before the actual extradtion process begins. Wikileaks hasn’t leaked anything for a while as it has been bogged down with fighting Assange’s legal scuffles.

Meanwhile, Assange’s mum has been pleading for more help from Aussieland’s Foreign Office, since Assange is an Aussie bloke. Trouble is Wikileaks have embarrassed some Aussie peeps as well and it seems that there’s been a deal struck with Swedesland and Yankland. We at Rooting Today cannot possibly imagine :thinking: what that deal might be, heh, heh:snigger: .

Rad Booton, Foreign Correspondent

Rooters International Newness Network ( a division of Rooters blah, blah, Agency Agency)8-)


Rooters Reporter

Dateline 2nd June 2012, already - Rooters Newswire

Formula Wonderful Dodgy Sale Case: Latest

Prussian banker Gethard Grablotski’s ordeal continues in Munchy, Prussia, in one of the biggest naughtiness trials in Europhilean history. The story dates back to 2006 and 2007 reported by Rooters here: Ecclesthump Given Immunity from Persecution for Corruption Case Evidence

We report today that the case just took a wiggle through a knadgery chicken. Under intense persecution, Grablotski suddenly ‘fessed up that he did indeed cop $56 million US bucks worth of back-handers from Bernice Ecclesthump. during the Formula Wonderful sell-out-off to ConVertaCash (CVC). He said, "Alright, alright, I’ll talk! It’s [the allegations] ... um, basically ... er ... substantially ... ugh ... fundamentally true ... I suppose."

Grablotski was Head Risky Stuff Officer (HRSO) for the Prussian bank BuyearnButLoseit, holder of the Formula Wonderful commercial rights at the time of the sale. Ecclesthump and Grablotski denied any suggestion of bribery but in his confession he says that way back in May 2005 Ecclesthump assured him that in Formula Wonderful "we scratch their backs and they scratch ours..." adding “... and Mightymad Mostlymax scratches other parts.” But that’s another story (Le Francelandish Court Rules Mostlymad's Character Not Defamed Since He Was Caught In S&M Episode Which Means That Was Indeed His Character As It Was Him And Not Somebody Else)

Ecclesthump says he coughed up the dough because he was frightened crapless of blackmail. So far he has eluded persecution and has immunity from that in the Munchy trial. Talking to Rooters about Grablotski's fessup, Ecclesthump said, “That Prussian banker is just trying to get a light sentence. The poor dude has been persecuted and banged up for eighteen months. He’s stuffed up whatever happens."

Ecclesthump himself is not in the clear yet as Blighty’s Spurious Fraud Outfit is having a very close decko at the whole affair. He may yet have his trunks pulled down for a full internal audit. That could be interesting.

Ecclesthump and Stevie Mullahsthem (the Blighty lawyer), Slavish Ecclesthump (the F1 megalomaniac's ex-missus and the beneficiary of Bambi), have yet to be persecuted about anything naughty and the persecution of Grablotski continues.

Rad Booton, Foreign Correspondent

Rooters International Newness Network ( a division of Rooters blah, blah, Agency Agency)8-)


Rooters Reporter

Dateline 23rd June 2012 - Rooters Newswire

Badgers Today - News Update

Certain Badgers have recently taken a keen interest in Chuck Norris. In particular, they have been studying his press-ups technique since it is well known that Chuck doesn't push himself up, rather he pushes The Earth down. Recent flooding in the UK has been attributed to a month's rainfall occuring in one day. However, that would not have been as serious a disaster had it not been for Low Country dojos full of Badgers practising "Chuck Norris Press-Up Style".

A Shaolin Badger Temple spokesboar told Rooters correspondent Rad "The Badger" Booton, "It was not our intention to compound a natural disaster with our actions. We apologise unreservedly to every person and badger affected by the great flood and especially for our part in exacerbating it."

Meanwhile, the Cumbrian Keep Scuba Diving Safe Society (CKSDSS) has come in for criticism following a rumour that the club had been taking advantage of the situation to practise underwater swimming. Whilst not in the least controversial, the rumour has upset some Badgers who had been refused a loan of snorkels and flippers by that very club. According to sources, the recent floods had been foretold by maverick climatologists as far back as the 1970's and only Badgers took them seriously.

A spokesboar for the Badgers Emergency Reponse Team (BERT) told Badgers Today, "As part of our Forward Disaster Contingency Plan (FDCP) we appoached CKSDSS for advice regarding what would be the most appropiate device for Badgers to use in the event that setts became flooded. We were advised to use snorkels and flippers but when we asked to borrow some until we could find our own supply we were refused."

A spokessubmersibleperson told Badgers Today, "Unfortunately, badgers have a reputation for passing Foot and Mouth Disease (FAMD) so our own Health & Safety Gone Nuts Guidlines (H&SGNG's) specifically exclude sharing stuff with Badgers. Sorry chaps."

Jeff Brock, MP (for Froam) commented "it's a disgrace. there is no evidence to suggest that Badgers can pass FAMD to human beans. Not only that, Badgers are nice people."

Tellie Fenderman, Rooters News Network (incorporating Badgers Today) 8-)

Important notice from the Editor
Rooters News apologises for any offense that this article may cause victims of the recent floods, their families and friends. We wish to convery our sympathy and best wishes for a swift recovery.
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Rooters Reporter

Dateline 13th October 2012 - Rooters Newswire

Auntie Booby Slashes Red Button Multiscreen From 9 to 1

The British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) to give it its full title but known to the nation for quite a long time by the affectionate title "Auntie Beeb" or "The Beeb", but to those who know it for what it is, "Auntie Boob" or simply the "The Boob", has taken its Sword of Damocles to its "Red Button" service. Great.

This "Booby" customer, whose borrowed laptop can barely cope with playing "Tooned" without buffering half a dozen times, goes to the menu whilst watching a replay of F1 Qualyfighting to find that MotoGP qualyfighting has disappeared. Checking out the "Sport on BBC" we find the announcement that they are reducing the video streams from nine to one. They proudly state that sport will be most affected, which seems somewhat ironic considering the number of streams they were able to lay on during the Olympics. Proudly Auntie tells us we will have a splendid service online on the interweb.

The reason they give for this slash and burn approach, and I quote, is: "This is because Red Button relies entirely on broadcast technologies, which are not cost-effective for an interactive service like Red Button."

Oh, don't worry though, Auntie further reassures us that, and I quote again: "Red Button will continue to be a vibrant and valuable BBC service with one video stream, offering audiences high quality content across all genres." :thinking: Riiiiiiiiiight.

Me, personally, I thought sport was the best justification for the Red Button and the only reason I ever press the bloody thing. There will very soon be no reason for the inhabitants of Fenderman's head to watch The Boob at all. In fact there is little need already, since any of their non-sport output worth watching turns up ever more quickly on those quirky little digi-channels like "Watch" or "Alibi". Not that we watch those either.

I spoke to our correspondent Rad Booton about this. Rad thought about it for a Red Button pressing bit and said "If Jenson Button pressed the Red Button to watch a re-run of tomorrows GP on The Boob's Red Button service to see what he, Jenson Button, did, only to find he's missed the re-run on the Boob's Red Button, would he wonder where The Boob's Red Button service re-run went and swiftly go to BSkyB's Sky F1 without further a Jenson Button Red Button pressing do, and would he wonder what The Boob's Red Button service meant to the punters who pay Auntie Booby's rent? And if he wondered what the Red Button service meant to the punters paying Auntie Booby's rent do you think Jenson Button would give a frickin' fig?

Tellie Fenderman, Rooters News Network (incorporating Badgers Today) 8-)


Rooters Reporter

Dateline 21st October 2012 - Rooters Newswire

Auntie Booby Slashes Red Button Multiscreen - The Final Insult

Followers of MotoGP were treated to yet another insult to LICENSE FEE PAYING customers today when we were treated to the consequences of their decision to mutilate the Red Button service. The predictable rain affected racing at Sepang led to the red flag coming out on lap 15 of the premier motorcycle grand prix. The subsequent and also predicatable delay, whilst race control tried to make their mind up about how to bring the event to an acceptable conclusion, meant that Auntie Booby's coverage drew to a close without the podium ceremony or interviews. Thanks a bleeding bunch Booby>:(.

For our (Fendermen's) license fee the only stuff we now watch on The Boob is Inspector Montalbano, neutered coverage of F1 and MotoGP and f all else. Sky is looking ever more attractive to these cash strapped punters (Fendermen, that is) and that's something we thought we would never say.

So what does all this tell us? It tells me that Her Maj's Government are unstitching The Boob just like they're unstitching everything else paid for and owned by Blighty's citizens. Funny how it's not getting any cheaper for the pocket pinched public. No, it's not funny, it's ****ing typical.

Tellie Fenderman and everyone else in his multi-polar and increasingly twisted head. Rooters News Network (incorporating Badgers Today) 8-):dizzy:


Rooters Reporter

Dateline 21st October 2012 - Rooters Newswire - Stop Press

Congratulations and Thanks to Eurosport for ensuring a properly rounded up coverage of the MotoGP event

Eurosport's coverage can be unpredictable at the best of times. Yesterday they failed to show the highly publicised World Series by Renault race, scheduled for 2.00pm (live) sandwiched between live tennis and live snooker. The tennis ran over which is not unusual for a tightly contested tennis final. I mean, fancy butting three live sporting events together like that. It's a recipe for disaster and disappointment.

Today though, as Auntie Booby truly dropped the friggin' ball, Eurosport at least rounded up their coverage of the main race with the podium ceremony and main interviews. Thank you Eurosport :victory: . **** you Aunty Booby :censored:>:( .

It's been a long night:sleeping:

Tellie Fenderman and everyone else in his multi-polar and increasingly twisted head. Rooters News Network (incorporating Badgers Today) 8-):)


Rooters Reporter
Another long night in prospect. As i write the Moto3 chappies are on their warm up lap. Maverick Vinales is back after his strop (who can blame him for having one?) and although Cortese has tied up the championship, like all Moto3 races this should be great fun! They're off ...


Rooters Reporter

Dateline sometime 2012 - Rooters Newswire - Stop Press

British Judge Labels Afro Comb Offensive Weapon

Part One. The serious bit, so DO NOT LAUGH

In a landmark case at The Old Bailey, Loondon, a judge stated that wearing a pintail Afro comb as a fashion accessory is tantamount to carrying an offensive weapon. His comment came as he sentenced a young girl to ten years incarceration for stabbing another girl in an argument over boys. Ms X drove a pointed metal comb handle into Ms Y's head who later died.

That's the tragic part of the story which is a truly sad one and Rooters can only commiserate with family and friends.

Now comes the comedic part of the story for which Rooters apologises unreservedly for any offense that may be taken as a consequence of any misunderstanding of the article and its purpose - which is as a warning from history.

Part Two: The bit you can laugh about if you wish but please respect the dead and bereaved. We are not sure how to do that but we implore you to try.

Addressing the court The Old Bailey Judge described the evidence that a comb worn as a fashion accessory can be a lethal weapon. “It can be as effective as a stiletto." he said, "It's not a nice thing to have in your hair.”
a deadly afro comb

Following the judges remarks at the trial, white people have been seen inexplicably panicking and running across streets without looking. Some lives have been lost as individuals have been mowed down by traffic. A senior detective investigating these incidents noted that, apart from the characteristics of the accidents themselves, the only other common denominator is the presence of afro headed people, usually people of colour but not always, on the scene. One survivor had told the detective that he had been freaked out by the afro'd gentleman across the road because he might have a comb.
The detective added that the hysteria was similar to the outbreaks in the late 1960's early 70's when bald headed young white men adopted the habit of carrying sharpened stainless steel combs as slashing fashion accessories. The only difference then was that those young men used their combs for tidying up their pubes before a night out with the gals. "but you can understand their fears though, can't you?" said the detective.
afro comb.jpg
a deadly afro comb in someones head
Tellie Fenderman and everyone else in his multi-polar and increasingly twisted head. Rooters News Network (incorporating Badgers Today) 8-):dizzy:


Rooters Reporter
Dateline 31st May 2013. Rooters Newswire
Formula Wonderful Dodgy Sale Case: Update
The Prussians Are Coming … for Bernice Ecclesthump

Bernice Ecclesthump has admitted to Rootersport that ConVertaCash (CVC), the owners of Formula Wonderful will “probably get rid of me if the Prussians come after me'”.

It is barely believable that Formula Wonderful (F1) could have a future without Bernice Ecclesthump, the one bloke who is credited with making it the most popular sport in the world second only to fishing. Allegedly, former used car salesman Ecclesthump built F1 into a multi-billion-euro global empire. Forty years of all that hard work might be about to go tits up now the Grablotsky case is done and dusted. Ecclesthump now faces the prospect of persecution by the Prussian fed's.for bribery over the sale of F1 to CVC.

The Munchy court persecutor's office is preparing to bust him very soon pending translation of court papers into Blightyish so that Ecclesthump and his attourneys can figure out a defense. The persecutor's office said: "Durch preußische Gesetz, können wir nicht sagen Jack Scheiße, im diesem Augenblick."

Ecclesthump has always claimed innocence but says that he will have to jump the F1 boat if he gets charged. He told us meeja types, " CVC will probably be forced to get rid of me if the Prussians come after me. It's pretty obvious, I'm ****ed up". Ecclesthump is getting on a bit, he will be 83 in October, and reports suggest that CVC is shortlisting candidates to fill his boots. The main criteria will be the need for a large head and small feet since Ecclesthump has both. He told us "They've hired a headhunter to find somebody in case I was going, if I was going to die or something." A potential persecution might force CVC and Ecclesthump to act sooner rather than later.

Formula Wonderful could do with something else to fixate the masses about instead of the “Spludgy Too Soon Tyre Fiasco”. There is a shortage of imagination regarding potential candidates who could replace the inimitable Ecclesthump. For some reason few other people on the planet are deemed to have the qualities of an 83 year old geezer who like anyone else of that age is surely past his best. That is no slight against senior citizens, it is just a fact of nature. Remember, Mickey Shoemaker is half Esslesthump's age and has been booted out of his F1 cock-pit presumably because his F1 stick shift has gone limp.

One of the names being touted to succeed Bernice is that of Chrissy Hornyman. The meeja are now calling him “the most successful team principal of the modern era” but it is possibly more to do with his having a number of similar qualities to Ecclesthump. Hornyman is noted for having the ability to interpret rules and regulations to his advantage better than the next man (Ron Denizen or Rusty Brawnybloke, take your pick) and he has proved that he is equally devious and sly. There are also suggestions that Justly Kinglike, CEO of the Sainsburger's grocery chain, is in the running. However, he lacks the credentials such as “sneakiness, flexible back-hand and, more importantly, crafty guile” for the job. He is reputed to be honest which is a major handicap.

When Ecclesthump was asked if he was relaxed about all this, he said: "Absolutely. Sooner or later somebody will look into it, which they have, and then they will have to make a decision on what they decide. After that they will have to decide what to do with the decision they made and decide what to do next, at which time they might need to make a decision about that decision in case that decision isn't the decision they decided to make or in case it was another one. Then they will ..."

In other news
Badgers to be murdered in the thousands because Blighty powers that be believe they give cows foot and mouth disorder
Rooters affiliate Badgers Today special reporter Jen reports that Badgers in West Gloucestershire and West Somerset are in uproar. They have learnt, via the BBC News at One today, that a cull is to start tomorrow which will result in losing up to 5094 of their number. This has been split into 2932 in Gloucestershire and 2162 in Somerset.​
This is an outrage and is likely to be one of the most heinous of crimes against nature that has been perpetrated since Henry VIII's destruction of Blighty's great forests of ancient oak trees for the purpose of building his fleet of warships. read Jen's report here:​
Tellie Fenderman and everyone else in his multi-polar and increasingly twisted head. Rooters News Network (incorporating Badgers Today) 8-):dizzy:


Rooters Reporter
Ecclesthump Indicted.jpg
Readers can refresh their memories or get informed for the very first time by following these links:
However, Rooting Today advises you not to bother if you already know all about it and refuse to be entertained by Fenderman's rambling commentary ... :rolleyes:
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