Rooting Today

Rooters News ......... LATEST RUMOUREPORT .......... Rooters News

The rumour mill is running hot with the revelation that the F1 technical working group has just about ironed out all the problems related to the long awaited Constant Radius Tunnel Racing Formula 1 (CRTRF1). Circuit designer, Tilke, has completed the design of the first track to be erected in Trafalgar Square, London, England. This will be the very first state of the art space saving circuit with the entire track on the inside of a 3km circumference tube. The starting grid will form in Pall Mall to enable cars to enter the tube at the requisite speed to enable their aerodynamic devices to "stick" the cars to the track when upside down.

The sticking point with drafting the rules was, apparently, around the difficulty of apportioning blame in the event of a car detatching from the track and falling onto a car below. This has been resolved by utilising the custom and practice applied to the road - i.e. the following car will be deemed to be at fault if it collides with a car in front. One other issue, raised we believe by one Martin Whitmarsh, was related to an accusation that another team had perfected a flexible armrest that would give an unfair advantage to that teams drivers. The CRTRF1FIA have confirmed that such devices will not be tolerated. The other team seemed somewhat put out as it means a complete redesign of the cockpit for their 2031 season challenger.

Rooters Technical Division (A department of Rooters International News Agency)

 

[Fenderman]

Dateline Loondon 04.06.11 Gnu's Update

Rooter's can confirm that one Jenov Twothousand-Andthree, otherwise known as Jen, has today submitted her latest research to the governing bodies of F1, the WMSC and Butlins, with regard to the current situation in Bahrin Rain. The paper entitled "Negotiating Positions in the 21st Century" follows years of study from the comfort of the "mad chair" in her living room. A remarkable piece of work, this, in that it confirms scientifically the ancient Chinese philosophy of Feng Schumi.

Rooter's have been told by freelance correspondent, Axle Tramp, that his initial reaction to this news was "Bloody hell, Jen" but that he then rushed to the FOD to see if the recommendations in Jen's report could be implemented without further delay. He reports "the response from the FOD was disappointing to say the least. Apparently they do not have an account at IKEA and would be unlikely to re-arrange the seating at the next round of negotiations."

As we go to press, there has been no U turn of the U turn by FOD and, unless the situation takes another dramatic twist, F1 is expected to duck rubber bullets, water cannon and shoes, in October.

Roosters Gnus ( a branch of an unlikely species of genetically modified monkey puzzle tree)

 

[Fenderman]

News Release - STOP - Dateline New Jerk Chicken City - STOP - 06.09.22 - STOP - Rooters News - STOP

"Talking of anti-matter, it is noticeable that the Universe appears to be lacking sufficient quantities of that other type of matter so often ignored by mainstream cosmology. I refer of course to "Doesn't Matter". It seems that conclusions drawn from some areas of research, particularly in relation to sub-atomic particle research results, is not being ignored enough. The reasons for these apparent losses in terms of energy expenditure in the universe when viewed as a dynamic system are, at present unclear (which is an anagram of "nuclear") and apparently the bafflement of the scientific establishment is often left out of the calculations due to the erratic nature of genius and its application to deep metaphysical and philosophical problems." Extract from Professor Carl Heinzbeenz' Carnegie Lecture 2022.

STOP

NewRooterist (a division of Rooters Exceptional News Agency Peep's)

 

[Fenderman]

News Release - STOP - Moreraintreal - STOP - 06.12.11 - STOP - Rooters News - STOP

The Anti-Dangerous Sports Campaign (ADSC) has today launched a tirade against the Farcical Race Internationale Commission (FRIC) in response to motor racing fan's concerns that unsuccessful overtaking is making motor sports unnecessarily dangerous. After years of bleating and beying for more overtaking in Formula One, the prestigious pinnacle of open wheeler racing, fan's have realised that improved opportunities for overtaking is a double edged sword. Overtaking aids and circuit improvements have also provided increased opportunities for fan's favourite drivers to be taken out of races or penalised for taking other fan's favourite drivers out of races.

Interviewed by Rooters correspondent Joe 'Despondent' Rooter, a speaksperson said "fan's have started beating each other up over the interweb. We have been aware of this problem for some time but recently it has taken on biblical proportions. The psychological damage that these sports are causing to fan's sensibilities and well-being is of immense concern to us. The only solution is to reinstate peaceful processions as soon as possible otherwise we foresee complete meltdown".

Rotter's understands that a special commission of the WSC (World Smootheverythingover Council) will be convened at the earliest opportunity. Jon Thought (President of the FIA - Farcical Intervention Automobilia) commented "It is in the best interests of all concerned that our sports champions should be decided with a medals system awarded to anyone who just turns up".

Rooters thought that was a lame variation on a BE theme.

STOP

Rootersport (a division of Rooters Old News Agency Peep's)

 

[Fenderman]

News Release - STOP - Mid-Atlantic- STOP - 06.18.11 - STOP - Rooters News - STOP

Rooters correspondent, Joe 'Despondent' Rooter, reports from aboard the SS Freeloader, a tramp steamer outbound from Canada and heading to Europe. Apparently the weather has been unremarkable as has the voyage. Apart from the creaking, most noticeable at night and in fog, the old tub seems to be handling very well. The captain, one Captain Ahab Tiberius Smith, is a very capable fellow who looks a lot like Humphrey Bogart's character in The African Queen. Especially, if you squint. Allegedly. This would be okay but for the fact that he seems to behave in a similar fashion. Not very reassuring when he mans the bilge pump at all too frequent intervals.

Anyhowsy, Joe reports that a deadly calm has rested upon the interwebs (well the decent ones, anyway) and that forummers are scraping around for news. A certain Mr fenderman was seen desparately reporting on World Series Renault (or is that Serious World Renault or ...hell) in the vain hope that it might have been slightly interesting to someone. Shortly to be entering it's second week an enthralling debate is underway concerning how many pit stops the winner will make in Valencia. Thanks to a stormy Canadian GP we have a new dynamic, the inclusion of drive through and stop/go penalties. How will the teams incorporate this into their strategies, we ask?

Well, as it happens a fellow hack aboard ship is one Hymen Hockenhackeberger, out of Detroit, who told our intrepid seafaring reporter this little nugget. "McLaren stole a march on the rest of the field in Montreal by cleverly engineering the collisions that brought out two of the safety cars. Valencia has these nice little walls that are perfect for reproducing the strategy. Marwish Thinmart told me he's aiming for three safety cars and two drive throughs. If he plays it right next week it should be a Macca one-two."

Rooters thought that was a lame variation on an MB, DC, EJ, Beatrice the Rabbit, theme.

STOP

Rootersport (a division of Rooters Old News Agency Peep's)

 

[Fenderman]

News Release - STOP - Dateline New Jerk Chicken City - STOP - 12:27pm - 06.22.11 - STOP - Rooters News - STOP

News has reached Rooter's from a BBC insider that their entire Formula 1 coverage team is currently in Hockenheim. Pressing the Beeb's Red Button confirms that Auntie Boobie believe that this weekend's F1 Grand Prix will be in Germany! Whilst, many people will view this incident as simply a mistake our correspondent has another take on the issue.

A certain Beeb Man using the tag "Yenthobb" told our bloke "... actually it is part of our strategy to discredit and disrupt the BBC's coverage of F1 so that fans will celebrate when we drop it from our Schedules in 2013 ..."

Apparently, Yenthobb said a lot of other things but we weren't interested.

Rooters .. thingummybob ...

 

[Fenderman]

News Release - STOP - Dateline Sears Point, USA - STOP - 26th June 2011 - Rooters News - STOP

Another world beating exclusive from our stateside correspondent, Fred Ifitsnewsmakeitup. Following Rooters' usual practise of watching the crowd not the race, Fred reports spotting an interesting huddle among the spectators overlooking the final hairpin at the Sears Point road-course. On closer inspection it transpired that FIA bigwigs, including John Thought accompanied by one Bernadette Eccles, were taking a keen interest in the "hands off" policy of the NUTSCAR race control and stewards.

"As you know" a NUTSCAR insider told Fred, "the current racecar in this series is designed to look and perform in much the same way as a boxing glove. Today we saw an exemplary demonstration of what NUTSCAR is all about. We've avoided artificial gadgets and stuck with the basics. We let the drivers drive."

So what was the significance of the FIA presence? Fred's mole explained, "JT and BE were mightily impressed with what they saw. BE told me he was fed up with all the criticism surrounding the FIA's efforts to improve F1 and that the one thing he took away from todays race was that a bit of biff and bash would do it more good than anything he'd tried to date."

Later in a rather shambolic press conference, somewhat resembling the race itself, John Thought echoed Eccles' sentiments. "We need to strip F1 of its rules, particularly those that are now impinging on drivers ability to attack and defend. What I saw today was amazing. If we have that in F1 it will be the most exciting sport on the planet".

Responding to repeated cries from the gathered paparazzi regarding risks to drivers in open wheelers, Eccles said "We pay F1 drivers extraordinary sums of money to risk life and limb and, frankly, they aren't. F1 cars are so safe it's got out of hand and it's time they earned it. There's just not enough blood in the sport these days. It's just not cricket."

Rooters understands that FOTA (Formula Over Taking Artificiale) will stubbornly refuse to accept the introduction of rubber bouncy bungs (RBB's) to the body work of cars for the 2013 season. The RBB's are a new device designed by Lonsdale (the boxing supply company famous for its belts) to facilitate full contact combat on track. "They're ugly and detract from the beautiful aero work we've been doing for the last forty years." Said Rough Brawn, "We much prefer Bull Bars. They look better and are much more effective. We especially like them in chrome." Brawn rival, Airplane Newie, commented "We like Bull Bars in red."

As we went to press a special meeting of F1's governing body was being convened to watch replays of the Sears Point race. When asked about the race in Valencia, JT replied "Oh, merde! Was that this weekend? C'est la vie."

http://www.autosport.com/news/report.php/id/92707

Rooters USA (a division of Rooters International Exceptional News Corp)

 

[Fenderman]

NEWSBREAK !!

Rooters News, thought missing presumed dead due to the catastrophic meltdown of The News of the World loopaper enterprise, has resurfaced. As soon as it was realised that Rooters News has never had any connection with TNOTW speculation became rife that our intrepid crew had succumbed to the dreaded U-606. Fortunately, our tub has been grounded on the rock of Gibraltar as our captain, drunk on Scrumpy Jack, thought the lighthouse was just the sun coming up, going down, coming up, going down ... and Fernando wasn't anywhere near Gibraltar anyway, apparently ....

back to the newsbreak ...

It has reached our ears that Batman's arch enemy, the white haired comedic bad guy, Bernie E (aka The Comedian) has come up with another corker. Freelancer and friend of Rooters, mjo, reports that next years Belgian Grand Prix is being shoved down the calendar.

Having tired of the totally unpredictable summer weather in the region, The Comedian told mjo, "November will be much more understandable and predictable for the casual F1 fan. The technical regulations for 2012 will be manipulated amended to allow for the changes necessary for F1 cars to enjoy snow. Restrictions requiring race cars to have just four wheels (one on each corner) will be temporarily suspended to enable the use of tracks on the rear and skis up front."

Responding to mjo's assertion that Batman will be most displeased at yet another attempt to destroy the credibility of F1 and one of the best and most historic events on the F1 calendar, The Comedian replied, nay retorted, "Stuff Batman. This is crime ... and that's my department!"

Rooters International Merrytime News Service (a division of ..... Network)

Fresh speculation that a Turkish GP could be axed, and a re-shuffle of the f1 calendar:
http://www.autosport.com/news/report.php/id/93442
Bahrain - Abu Dhabi double - header??
And Australia 1st race of the season!!

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERS NEWS ISSUES PRESS RELEASE FROM EDITOR REALLY IN CHIEF

It is with regret that I, ERIC of Rooters News Incorporated, announce my resignation to the entire Cosmos. I wish to spend more time with my family since, as from 2012, I will no longer be able to watch Formula 1 as often as I am accustomed to and it's all my fault.

Rooters News, whilst floundering in the Atlantic Ocean and running aground in the Mediterranean Sea, missed the story of the week, "BeebSkyGate". Had we been ahead of the game, as we believe have been in the past, the world would have known about this scandal in time to put a stop to it.

Maybe we still can ... you never know ... I once saw a pig flying above Battersea Power Station ... was it real or was it just Pink Floyd?

http://www.petitionbuzz.com/petitions/keepf1onthebbc

Rooters International Lost The Plot News Service (a division of ..... oh, blah, blah, blah.)

 

[Fenderman]

Dateline 13th March 2012 – Paris – Rooters News Agency – Exclusive

Pierre Merde, Rooters Paris correspondent, reports that an unexpected meeting of the Council Racing Automobile Practices Policy Association de le Monde (CRAPPA) took place in the early hours of this morning, attended by the Formula One Older Lumps Society (FOOLS).

Shortly after the meeting FOOLS dispatched a squad of technical agents to every photocopy and printing shop in France (F), Belgium (B), Germany (D) and the United Kingdom of a Number of Small but Independent Countries (UKNSIC). Their mission, it transpires, is to distribute wanted posters for a number of close relatives of one Simone Gilles on suspicion of industrial espionage.

A FOOLS Spockspersona, who wishes to remain anonymous, told our heroic reporter “We have good intelligence that Mssr. Gilles's mother, sister, brother, son, daughter or auntie is attempting to find a photocopy or printing facility in order to reproduce the technical details and design drawings of the engines used in last season's Formula for Older Lumps World Championships.”

When asked what value could be placed on such material we are told “FOOLS became aware of this possibility having realised that there existed a major conflict of interest following the hiring of an ex-CRAPPA senior employee by an engine supplier for the 2014 season. It is clear that growing environmental awareness and the need to cut costs is forcing us to revert to 20th century engine configurations. We cannot have someone with the sum total of Older Lumps technology in his head taking that knowledge to a one lump supplier.”

Rooters understands that Mssr Gilles is under house arrest somewhere in the suburbs of Lille awaiting trial by 'Piston and Crankshaft'. Allegedly, that is a somewhat painful procedure only to be carried out by suitably qualified operators of Traitorous Staff Shafting Equipment. The use of TSSF is, apparently, only used in extreme cases of suffering FOOLS gladly.

Rooters on the Costa Del Sol (a division)

 

[Fenderman]

"Jenson Button has yet again proved he is simply a master in controlling changeable weather conditions as he drove a great race and profited from other's mistakes."

http://www.f1technical.net/?sid=c7187c15a8701c24d2caa08500ac2755

F1 Technical outscores Rooters News with an exclusive!

In another embarrassing exhaust blown diffusive body blow for Rotters Nose, F1 Technical reports that Jenson Button has mastered control over the weather. Our man in Hungary completely missed this most obvious of stories to any alert hack and this again calls into question the competence of the Rooters News operation. Yet more apologies issue from the editor's office like exhaust fumes in a heavy fog. What else can we do but apologise to all of our fans for this despicable failure of our duty to inform and educate the motorsport massfandom.

In a related scoop, we can report that we have found the secret of JB's remarkable skill. A source who does not wish to be named as one Maximus Mosleyman tells us that he witnessed JB selling his soul to the BEvil (the orgy was just a by-product of the ceremony, apparently), in return for a "How To Do It" (and look good in bed) book of the black magic art of Meteorolomancy. This ancient book also thought to be known as "How to Make the Top Gear Track Wet and Oily for a Future Team-mate" was thought to be lost for all time. Rooters can reveal it is in the safe hands of JB's dad which, we can also reveal, is why his smile is the shape it is when JB wins a race.

Rooters declines to report further for fear of causing a storm of retribution.

Tooters Noose (a division of that bunch with no principles and even fewer testacles)

 

[Fenderman]

Hot Flush - Stop - Silverstone Submits Planning Application - Stop - Rooters Exclusive - Stop

Having seen an inspiring news story from the future beamed to Rooters and first seen on Clip The Apex
( http://cliptheapex.com/threads/rooting-today.3576/ )
Silverstone has submitted a planning application for substantial expansion of its facilities. Hidden in the small print is a description of a Constant Radius Vertical Tunnel Race Track strikingly similar to one built in Trafalgar Square in the far future!

Struta Trol, Chairman of the British Very Fast Blokes' Club, told Rooters: "The submission of this planning application is a huge leap into releasing the commercial potential of Silverstone and grabbing ideas from Clip ... I mean ... the future."

Demon Hell, ex Fun Driver and leading Silverstone lightbulb, commented "I don't know where we'd be without Clip."

Rooters Desperate To Make New News Whilst Waiting For Spa (a division of Rooters International Blah Agency Thingammybob Inc Blot)

 

[Fenderman]

Exclusive - Rooters News Exposes FB's Secret Identitiy - STOP

Rooters News can reveal that FB (Fat Bloke) to his friends is really one Maurice Hamilton, motorsports commentator and pundit. Either that or Maurice H is nicking FB's material for his columns in F1 - Grandprix.com.

Here you will find the evidence, if any is needed:

http://www.grandprix.com/columns/maurice-hamilton/race-abuse.html

Rooters Expose The Blokes Dept. (a division of Rooting is Good For You News Peeps)

 

[Fenderman]

Stop Press ... this button and see what happens ... Rooters Exclusive

BBC stage 3 of plan to ditch F1 in motion in about 5 minutes from now.

Rooters TV Watch dept. hack has spotted their next nasty little stunt. In an attempt to put viewers off F1 they're screening "Grand Prix: The Killer Years" on BBC2 at 11:35pm tonight.

Interviewed by our hack an insider said "The idea is to attract viewers to F1 who get a morbid satisfaction out of watching crashes in the full knowledge that they will be sorely disappointed with modern F1 and turn off voluntarily. The Beeb Boffins think that real fans will be frightened away from F1 by the programme."

Whilst next weekend, drivers at Spa scooting off at Eau Rouge and La Pouhon only to regain the track without mayhem, carnage or injury will be a huge downer for rubberneckers and reality TV crash vid' fans, we at Rooters insist the plan is doomed to failure. Assistant Editor, Fenderman (who recently celebrated his impending 1000th post with a timely technical post ... having waited over 24 hours for the opportunity) said "Bah, humbug."

Er... oops, it's on now .... bye

Rooters Beeb Watch (a division of .....)

 

[Fenderman]

NEWSFLUSH ... DI MONTEZEMOTOROLA HAS IDENTITY CRISIS ... NEWSFLUSH

Rooters Complaints Department has received an angry telephone communication from the offices of Luca di Montezemotorola. Apparently whilst undergoing some kind of psychological malfunction he appears to be exhibiting symptoms of a serious delusional identity dysfunction. Whilst accepting no responsibility for typographical errors from the fingertips of our sub- editor, Fender 'Slow Type' Man, we are more than happy to print Sr. Monty's repudiation of a portion of Fenders' Threadbreaking article. Here it is in his own words:

"I AM LUCA DI MONTEZEMELO! Hello! Editor? Yes, I saw your story. Yes, there's something wrong. Yes, what I said about Felipe, there is something wrong. That should read "said team principal Stefano Domenicali". See to it! Why should you? Because I AM LUCA DI MONTEZEMELO!"

Clearly, a man on a short fuse and tight schedule. With the onset of one of the most challenging race meetings of the season barely hours away, we can forgive the fiery Italian for his exuberant outburst. Meanwhile, Stefano Dominatrix has thus far refused to comment. It is thought that he is in Turkey meeting with representatives of Libya's fledgeling revolutionary government to negotiate re-establishment of the historic Italian occupation of their Hotel Rixos.

Rooters Complaints Dept. (an apologist section of the Rooters News Empire Group)

 

[Fenderman]

UP .. BEEBWATCH ... DATE .... RIGHT UP

Rooters Beeb Watch reporter, Defenderman "Is No Defence" Fenderman, reports fairly often, but that's another story. Anyway, we notice that the Beeb continues it's persecution of the F1 viewing public by failing to show full reruns of the recent Belgian GP. If you are one of the lucky ones, like us, who can get reliable access to iPlayer you will have been able to see highlights of the race. Nice of Auntie Beeb to let us know that this cut in coverage was happening.

Fenders' said "I'm alright, Jack, I've got a wall full of telly's, internet and full surround sound cinemascope. But I feel for all those poor sods who've only got a Freeview box that fluffs out 75% of the time and needs replacing every six months. Switch to digital, yeah bring it on!"

We said "don't call us Jack." to which Auntie Beeb replied, "I have my knitting to do. Do you think I can be everywhere at once? Bugger the masses, they don't vote Coalition do they?"

Rooters questions the mysteries of Auntie's cost cutting exercise. "How is it," asked Fenderbenderman, "that they still sent a bunch of chaps, including one now decidedly senile moron, to Belgium, salaried and all expenses paid, to utter a lot of sense but a great deal of crap?" After a pause for or a response from someone, he continued "could they not have saved a bundle by cutting that mob in half?" Auntie said "no."

Bentfenderbenderman (no relation to anyone but himself) added his three-pence-worth "Auntie, why the hell don't you read Clip. Every woman, man-Jack and cross-dresser on there can tell you how to save money without kicking us in the round hairy things?"

After a substantial amount of time during which our band of reporters and assorted Hack's from other media had lunch, chugged cider and beer, smoked a cigar, fag and pipe or two, Auntie Beeb responded "I suppose you mentioned kicking round hairy things for comedic effect?! ... Damn you to Hell !!!!"

We politely said "Damn you too".

Rooters Beeb Watch (a division of Rooters Increasingly Annoyed News Corp)

 

[Fenderman]

UP .. BEEB and FIA WATCH ... DATE .... RIGHT UP THEIR RECTUMS

7 sets of back-to-back races (AUS/MAL, CHN/BAH, GER/HUN, BEL/ITA JAP/KOR IND/ABU, USA/BRA), and two three-week breaks (Bahrain/Spain, Italy/Singapore). They could have balanced out the calendar a bit more.

Now we've got the calendar, which races will be the highlight shows? Rooters wants to know. Now!

Fendingoffthefans Enderman, Rooters sub-marinated editor, said "Our staff and F1 fans wish to book their holidays for 2012. It would be nice if Auntie would let us know which races will only be shown in highlight form, as it makes sense to be at home for the live stuff and at the tracks or in Germany for the rest."

Auntie was not available for comment as she was still knitting a celebratory cardigan to present to Sebastian Vettel, Mark Webber and that Adrian Newey bloke, in November. A spunkssperson released a statement on her behalf :

"Auntie Beeb would like it known that her six-armed cardigan will be presented to the three people responsible for wrapping up the FIA Formula One 2011 World Drivers and Constructors championships early enough for her to wind down her organisations coverage of the sport. She is grateful to them for helping her to save a few bob which she will need for Christmas."

Asked why Auntie was knitting only one cardigan for the three people, the spunkssperson replied "I can only imagine that it is another fine demonstration of Auntie's frugal approach to using public money."

Rooters Boobwatch (a division of Rooters BEEB and FIA Watch division of Rooters Inc)

 

[Fenderman]

Panic stations! The chair is groaning. Do I need to get the upholsterers in? Could be expensive at the weekend, what with call out charges. Update to follow once we have him settled.

ROOTERS UPDATE ON THE CLIP MAD CHAIR PERSON

Fenderfrienderman reports from bus ride in the country that ace armchair researcher, Jenov, is in trouble. The chair is complaining about something and making uncharacteristic groaning noises. Technicians from Groaning Armchair Support Services have been called but exorbitant fees - encouraged by the financial precedents set by Brenda Ecclesrock's FOM - may hinder the recovery process. Cost cutting measures may require Jenov to downsize to something less comfortable.

Jenov says "this is a disaster. I had tea and crumpets ready, TV's on and PC fired up ready for a positive days work. This is a major setback and could cost me at least half an hour of creative thinking."

On further investigation, Fenderfrienderman has established that it may indeed be more costly for our heroine. He reports that the technicians have yet to leave the depot as they are taking a leaf out of the BBC/Sky deal book and have decided to only cover fifty percent of their call outs live with edited highlights of the other fifty percent replayed three hours later. It appears Jenov's distressing situation has occurred in the wrong half of the coverage. Ohnowewon'tgo, the organisation providing full coverage have not yet signed the contract to take up their option from the deal which has left an unforeseen break in coverage.

As we go to press alternatives are desperately being sought and no-one else is prepared to comment, yet.

Rooters Jenov Watch (a division of Rooting for New Comfy Chairs for Nice Peep's Like Jenov Inc.)

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTING TODAY

Dateline 4th October 2011. Rooters Newswire

Conspiracy Theorists Field Days - Exclusive

Earlier in the season Rooters reported on a story that mysteriously went dud way sooner than Rooters expected. Recent events, however, have once again raised the spectre of intentional race spoiling tactics in use by one team upon another. In our previous story we reported the dodgy pit release of one of the suspects in this conspiracy ...

http://cliptheapex.com/threads/rooting-today.3576/#post-51309

… by a team who would be at the best remiss and at the worst utterly horrible.

Now we have a radio transmission mysteriously released to the public long after an incident it had preceded as if to stir hatred and mayhem on the Interweb. Conspiracy theorists are rattling keyboards across the globe whilst moderates are moderating and apologists are fighting a rear guard action.

Naturally, Rooting Today, being proud of its sub-tabloid roots and its mission to throw stones where no stones have been thrown before (and, quite often where they've been thrown a whole heap of times, already) would be remiss in its duty if it were to fail to stir things up even more. So here we go …

We are soon off to Suzuka where battle will be resumed and any short fuses are sure to be re-lit. One protagonist (whom we shall call “The Perp”) has asked himself how he managed to make a schoolboy error and may have gotten over it by now. Rootersports' Tellie Fenderman hasn't. He is mystified as to why no-one has been talking about the mysterious slowness of the other party (whom we shall call “The Victim”) and the fact that The Victim, for some reason beknownst only to him and “a third party (whom we shall call “The Smed”), turned into an “S” bend late, missing the first apex by at least a third of a metre at a speed barely respectable for a milk float.

The car was not where one would expect it to be nor as fast as it should have been in such a close racing moment. Contact was a given.

Now, in isolation any normal person would write the accident off as a “racing incident”. However, The Victim sustained a puncture and The Perp lost half a wing and gained a drive through penalty. That is as it should be, perhaps. Perhaps not. The mystery radio transmission suggests that all is not as it seems. It is particularly incongruous when later, The Victim, launched a barely veiled verbal and physical assault upon The Perp. The tactic, it seems, has misfired and The Victim has succeeded only in upsetting and unsettling himself. The Perp slurped his juice like Fenderman (the boss one) slupps his bubblegum. "Am I bovvered?" He thought . Doubt it.

The fact is that regardless of where one sits, whether on the fence or in The Mad Chair, conspiracies are fun. Only when it's our own favourite Son of the Sport of Gods does it grate and annoy followers and fans of F1.

Whilst, we delight in adding another twist to the stir, we at Rooters do hope that forum peeps resist the temptation to tear each other apart as the story unfolds. For one thing is certain, the boring motorsport wilderness that is the post season winter drought will be filled with lots of this stuff and Rooters will be there to froth it up as much as possible. For we are TABLOID and proud of it. Well, sort of.

As we go to press the furore has yet to abate. The chat rooms are lively and F1 forum threads are going through their circuitous routes in their unerring search for the indisputable truth. Rooters will be watching events unfold in Japan with a sneaking suspicion that more stuff will happen to The Perp and The Victim. Will the two characters be juxtaposed? Will The Smed relay another dodgy team order and further undermine The Victims confidence and desire to actually drive the car as fast as he can? Will the Perp steal The Victim's favourite cuddly toy just to amuse?These questions and more will be partially (as always) answered in a few days time. Can't bloomin' well wait!

Tellie Fenderman. Ace Reporter, Conman and Cynical Tale Twister.
Rooters International Newts Network ( a division of Rooters blah, blah, Agency Agency)

 

[Fenderman]

Rooters News sometime in 2012 Bahring Rain


Twenty seven UK nationals arrested. Stop

Protest their innocence. Stop

Lawyers engaged by the Foreign Office have sped to Bahring Rain in an attempt to secure the release of the British hostages (all believed to be Clip members) held by the brutal Bahring Rainy regime since Saturday. Rt. Hon. Can D Flohss, of partners Flohss Flohss & Flohss Legal Eagle, said, "It is, quite frankly, an absurd situation. At best it is twenty-seven cases of mistaken identity or at worst revenge by proxy. Clearly no Clip contributor, who has actually and in fact or deed criticised the Bahring Rain regime, would deign to glorify the Bahring Rain GP with their presence. To do so would be the height of hypocrisy and it is well known that Clip is the pre-eminent home of the most honourable posters on the planet."

As we go to press, rumours of a revolution have been quelled by the revelation that Bahring Rain still have quite a lot of Sordid's very pleasing, attractive and bright , UK built, armoured troop carriers pootling round the streets. A military spokesmanic said "It is just an annual parade that we have decided to have all year round. It keeps our people happy and secured."

Rooters Time Capsule Future News (a division of Rooting Away. A long way away. Inc)

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTING TODAY

Dateline 14th October 2011. Rooters Newswire

Auntie Boob continues to prepare F1 fans for 50% cut in "Free to Air" coverage


Mystery technical problems with the on-line feed for this weekend's Korean GP are depriving die-hard fans of live viewing on the internet. red Button viewers are doing okay but upset about their mates being left out. Those with computers with enough virtual memory and RAM can get it via tvcatchup.com if they're in the UK and have a current TV License.

Rooters has established that this is a cunning ploy by Auntie to punish anyone thinking of deserting the Beeb for the interweb.

If you've got the ICT power and Auntie Boobie's license, try this: http://tvcatchup.com/

... it does work ... for the few.

Rooters Beeb Watch (a division of Rooters Increasingly Annoyed News Corp)