If Football was run like F1....


Exulted Lord High Moderator of the Apex
Staff Member
Valued Member
So the new footy season is under way and I thought I'd look at what would happen if Football was run like F1.

Here are my findings:

1) The premiership would contain 12 teams, but the organisors would love it if the last two went bust.

2) The rule makers would change the laws of the game every few years based on suggestions from the top five teams.

3) The Referee would take 15 minutes to make a decision before awarding any penalty.

4) The touch line would be ignored from time to time depending on who's got the ball and what pitch we're at.

5) The BBC will only show half a game live while the whole game could be seen on Sky

6) Any really crap players who have a lot of cash can pay teams to play for them.

7) Players will be fitted with radio's so that coaches can tell them exactly how to play the game, leading to radio conversations like this:
Player: Boss why can't I score?
Boss: Turn left foot multi 7 fail b8 take a shot score at turn 4 you numpty

8) Half time breaks will take 2.6 seconds

9) If there is any damage to the pitch or grass the game will be red flagged and held up for an hour to make running repairs.

10) if it starts to rain too hard all the players will be asked to line up behind the fourth official and made to jog around the pitch slowly until it clears up.

11) Managers will order a striker who isn't his favorite to let the striker who is his favorite, have more of the ball.

12) Football would be run by a corrupt megalomaniac who's got no interest in technology and uses his own position for financial gain especially when arranging games in foreign countries (oh wait, that one is actually true)

any others?
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There would be no promotion, and the second flight (FM2) would be full of reserves.

The top flight would be:
MK Dons (Austria)
Oxford United (Germany)
Juventus (Italy)
Northampton Town (England)
Woking United (England)
Coventry City (India)
FC Basel (Switzerland)
Donzza de Keynsio Miltona (Italy)
Swindon Town (England)
Queen's Park Rangers (dressed as Norwich City)(Malaysia)
Bradford City (Russia)

Chairmen of some clubs would sack the manager and take his place, while hiring four more managers to apparently hang around.

Arsenal, as the longest serving top flight club, are thus indispensable, get extra prize money, refereeing decisions, a veto on the rules and still threaten to up sticks every other week.

The pre-match coin toss is split into three smaller sessions where the worst 7 tossers from the team's are progressively eliminated before a kick-off toss-out.

Goals scored in stoppage time are worth double.

The referees are always joined by a usually British ex-pro.

Colin Kolles = Peter Ridsdale

AS Monaco's Stade Louis II, despite being an anachronistic shite hole, is considered the best pitch in the world because there are armco barriers on the edge of the pitch, sometimes jutting onto the pitch, which "catch out" players.

Roman Abramovich's wife gets to sit on the bench for Southampton, and even plays some pre-season matches.
Bernie would get rid of all the teams that are underfunded who don't show a profit and he wouldn't give a shit about what the fans would like to see...
There would be rubber goal posts, the players would all have to play in carpet slippers, the fans would have to sit two miles away from the action, there would be a stewards inquiry after every tackle the people who own the grounds would have to pay to put on a match far in excess of the revenue gained from the gate, Martin Brundle would do a field walk before the game and the result of a match would be decided two days after it had finished...


Why the **** do I bother watching F1?
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