TEABAG YOKEL'S ANNUAL CHAMPIONS LEAGUE GROUP PREVIEW
A: Evil Empire, Shakhtar Donetsk, Medicine Leverkusen, Real Sociedad
And so with the coronation of a new Evil Emperor comes a time when the Empire don't necessarily get a ludicrously easy Champions League group. Donetsk are difficult and a Spain/Germany combination rarely does anyone any favours especially considering what happened the last time the Empire tried to destroy the Basque Country. They'll probably still get through, though.
B: Real Madrid, The Mafia, Galatasaray, Copenhagen
The Mafia will be delighted to get this group; they looked good last year, although Pirlo's not getting younger.Gareth Bale's Real Madrid will also be going through with them. And Galatasaray will get the Europa League spot. So I reckon it is quite predictable, but I've been wrong before.
C: Benfica, Qatar Saint-Germain, Olimpiacos, Anderlecht
QSG will be absolutely delighted; they seem to have found themselves in the Evil Empire's group. They should have little trouble there. Benfica are a better team than the Greek-Belgian combination that faces them as well. They're hosting the final too, such a pity they won't be at the party.
D: FC Bayern, CSKA Moscow, Al-Citeh, Plzen
OK, they've got Bayern again, but since they've not got another monster of a team, Al-Citeh's luck may just be in. Having said that, CSKA are a difficult nut to crack, and it would not be Al-Citeh if they weren't to cock it up somehow. As for Bayern, they'll be hoping to avoid defeat for the entire season. In all competitions.
E: FC Mourinho, Schalke, Basel, Steaua
Steaua Bucharest's president Gigi Becali, despite his incarceration, has achieved the impossible and made José Mourinho not the most egotistical man in a Champions' League group. This will endure despite FC Mourinho apparently righting the wrongs of their elimination from a much more difficult group last year.
F: Arsenal University, Marseille, Borussia Cool, Napoli
The intake of new students to Arsenal University is a worry so far, especially since the Athletic Union XI is not quite as good as Borussia Cool. It might not be as good as Napoli, whose manager Rafa Benitez will take the opportunity to visit his favourite London pie shops one last time. I think I'd hate to be Marseille, here...
G: FC Porto, Atlético, Zenit, Austria Vienna
Diego Simeone, as a manager, has thus far ensured Atlético don't do Atlético things. Getting through a Champions' League group would not be an Atlético thing to do. Porto get the "Hipster's Choice" group again! Zenit will challenge the favourites here with a combination of racism and northerliness. As for the other team's line up, this means nothing to me.
H: The Best Team In The World™, AC Milan, Ajax, Scottish League XI
The Best Team In The World™ must now learn to recover from humiliation to FC Bayern last year, and become actually the best team in the world. They've got Milan again, so that's fortunate. Watch out for Mario Balotelli who will probably win the San Siro leg on his own then get sent off for throwing Javier Mascherano at the referee at Camp Nou. Nice to see the Johan Cruyff derby being played too. The Scottish League XI are screwed.
A: Evil Empire, Shakhtar Donetsk, Medicine Leverkusen, Real Sociedad
And so with the coronation of a new Evil Emperor comes a time when the Empire don't necessarily get a ludicrously easy Champions League group. Donetsk are difficult and a Spain/Germany combination rarely does anyone any favours especially considering what happened the last time the Empire tried to destroy the Basque Country. They'll probably still get through, though.
B: Real Madrid, The Mafia, Galatasaray, Copenhagen
The Mafia will be delighted to get this group; they looked good last year, although Pirlo's not getting younger.
C: Benfica, Qatar Saint-Germain, Olimpiacos, Anderlecht
QSG will be absolutely delighted; they seem to have found themselves in the Evil Empire's group. They should have little trouble there. Benfica are a better team than the Greek-Belgian combination that faces them as well. They're hosting the final too, such a pity they won't be at the party.
D: FC Bayern, CSKA Moscow, Al-Citeh, Plzen
OK, they've got Bayern again, but since they've not got another monster of a team, Al-Citeh's luck may just be in. Having said that, CSKA are a difficult nut to crack, and it would not be Al-Citeh if they weren't to cock it up somehow. As for Bayern, they'll be hoping to avoid defeat for the entire season. In all competitions.
E: FC Mourinho, Schalke, Basel, Steaua
Steaua Bucharest's president Gigi Becali, despite his incarceration, has achieved the impossible and made José Mourinho not the most egotistical man in a Champions' League group. This will endure despite FC Mourinho apparently righting the wrongs of their elimination from a much more difficult group last year.
F: Arsenal University, Marseille, Borussia Cool, Napoli
The intake of new students to Arsenal University is a worry so far, especially since the Athletic Union XI is not quite as good as Borussia Cool. It might not be as good as Napoli, whose manager Rafa Benitez will take the opportunity to visit his favourite London pie shops one last time. I think I'd hate to be Marseille, here...
G: FC Porto, Atlético, Zenit, Austria Vienna
Diego Simeone, as a manager, has thus far ensured Atlético don't do Atlético things. Getting through a Champions' League group would not be an Atlético thing to do. Porto get the "Hipster's Choice" group again! Zenit will challenge the favourites here with a combination of racism and northerliness. As for the other team's line up, this means nothing to me.
H: The Best Team In The World™, AC Milan, Ajax, Scottish League XI
The Best Team In The World™ must now learn to recover from humiliation to FC Bayern last year, and become actually the best team in the world. They've got Milan again, so that's fortunate. Watch out for Mario Balotelli who will probably win the San Siro leg on his own then get sent off for throwing Javier Mascherano at the referee at Camp Nou. Nice to see the Johan Cruyff derby being played too. The Scottish League XI are screwed.
