Fernando Alonso's Extraneous Adventures


Champion Elect
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

The dark shadow which pervaded the atoll provided the perfect cover. A small squirrel hopped across the clearing, before disappearing into the trees. Christian was not to be easily distracted though.
From his hiding place, he kept his eyes on the path through the trees, which led to the clearing in front of him. Whilst he was not distracted by squirrels, Christian’s thoughts still wandered as he waited…

The Maltese Falcon must be found”; thought Christian. “Seb’s season is going for a Burton. Those bloody technicians and their bloody missile! Fernando…
Christian’s thoughts were brought to an abrupt halt. A figure had come into sight. It moved along the path and then it reached the clearing. Christian held his breath, not wanting to make a sound.

The figure stood for a moment in the clearing, before perhaps realising that it was exposed in the open (albeit shrouded a little by the dark shadow) and moved towards the shelter of the trees… Christian could still make the figure out though. And he could also keep half an eye on the clearing/path.

And so they waited…

--- --- --- ---​

From her vantage point, next to the trees at the edge of the clearing, Coffey Muggs could see Christian Horner quite clearly. If he was some-one important, Coffey would have been concerned. But, as it was, Christian was just a bit part in the grand scheme of things.
He can watch what is going to take place here and he won’t matter in the slightest”; Coffey thought.

--- --- --- ---​

To Christian’s horror, a huge blanket of fog descended onto the clearing! He couldn’t see a thing! But, all was not lost… Although he couldn’t see what was happening, he could hear it! Where there’s fog, there is no wind. And where there is no wind, sound could travel better!
Christian listened…

*The Sound of some-one walking into the clearing.*
“Are we alone?”; said a strange sounding voice.
“Yes. Well, as good as”; replied the figure by the trees (?)
“We better be alone. If not…”
“No! We are alone… Honest.”
“Okay then… Did the transfer happen as planned?”
“Yes. Howard received the tomato trophy without mishap.”
“Excellent! Now we can keep an eye on Fernando and his search!”
*A moment’s silence*
“Howard won’t be harmed, will he?”; sounding worried.
“No… Do I sense a touch of tenderness for him..? No matter. The carbon unit known as Howard won’t be harmed. And neither will the unit known as Fernando. As long as…”

Right then, Christian’s radio crackled into life.
“Christian, are you receiving me? Over.”
Oh shit”; Christian thought. “I forgot to turn my radio off..!

As Christian fumbled about trying to turn off his radio, the fog slowly cleared from the clearing…

When he looked up there was no-one in sight. The strange voiced fellow and figure by the trees were gone.

--- --- --- ---​

Fernando arrived back at Maranello with relief. Upon entering his apartment, Perky was oinking until he picked him up. And then he persisted in licking Fernando’s face!
“Hello boy”; said Fernando. “How are you? Nothing amiss I hope!”
“Oink”; said Perky.

Carrying Perky through to the trophy cabinet, Fernando put Perky down in the cabinet whilst taking the mushroom trophy out of his bag. He swapped the trophy with Perky, smiling at his growing collection of memorabilia.

sausage trophy.jpeg
Hash Browns Trophy.JPG
“This looks like a grand breakfast!”; said Fernando. “All it needs now is some toast and a cup of tea!”

It was then that Fernando realised that the tomato trophy was strange…
I don’t remember seeing that before”; he thought.
Remembering his mother’s penchant for employing the help of Howard Hollowitz, Fernando forgot any misgivings about it and devoted his time to making Perky happy, scratching his tummy…
"Oink"; said Perky, happily...

--- --- --- ---​

Will Coffey Muggs be Okay? Who was the strange voiced fellow? What is the Tomato trophy? And will it be detrimental to Fernando's fight against the One Car? In fact, shouldn't Fernando be searching for the Maltese Falcon instead of worrying about breakfast related trophies? Is this all nothing but a big distraction?

Stay tuned..!


Champion Elect
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

The dark shaped being hunched over the small cube and twisted a nozzle, which was situated just below the small silver screen on one side of the cube. After several twistings the silver screen blurred into the vision of an apartment.

On the screen, a small pink creature was bouncing about, seemingly at random, and a large spidery creature was lounging in a pool of water. The dark shaped being knew the spidery creature. It was a crab whose mind it had occupied before. But of the pink creature it was less sure… maybe the pig’s mind could be occupied, but to what affect?

Just when the dark shaped being was thinking this was a waste of a remote surveillance device, the target entered the shot. Fernando Alonso bent down and picked up the irritating little pink pig.

The dark shaped being twisted another nozzle to enable it to hear sound from the scene on the screen...

--- --- ---​

Fernando picked up Perky and tried to calm him. Something seemed to have spooked the little pig.

“Why can’t you be like Stumpy and relax?”; asked Fernando.

Now that he was at the same height as the Tomato trophy, Perky began wriggling in Fernando’s arms as if trying to get at the trophy, oinking continuously.

“I don’t know what has got into you today, but don’t worry Perky. Howard has agreed to look after you. And Stumpy and Krilly whilst I’m in Daytona Beach, Florida”; Fernando said in calming tones.

“Secret testing is not just a Mercedes or Pirelli thing”; continued Fernando. “I’m secretly testing my Mother’s ability to locate the Maltese Falcon!”

*A slight hum emanated from the trophy cabinet*

Distracted slightly by the hum, Fernando said to Perky; “Do you feel like you’re being watched…”

--- --- ---​
The dark shaped being cursed and quickly turned the sound down. It watched the screen for a few minutes to assure itself that it hadn’t been discovered, before twisting the nozzle completely to terminate the connection.

--- --- ---​

Shaking himself, Fernando returned his attention to Perky, who had surprisingly calmed down and was now snuggling into Fernando’s chest.

“No matter Perky, it must have been my paranoia”; Fernando said, sounding relieved. “All this talk about secret shenanigans has me worried that the truth will come out about my engineers ‘helping’ Felipe at the weekend.
Who would have thought? An experienced driver seemingly having an identical crash, both in a critical practice session and in the race!”

“Remarkable”; said Fernando, innocently…

--- --- ---​

So, is....

Oh bugger it, you can reach your own conclusions... :p

Stay tuned..............


Champion Elect
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Coffey Muggs breathed in the Daytona Beach air and relaxed. Her bikini was suitably skimpy, her sun-tan lotion was applied all over, her lap-top was off, her sun-glasses were on and she was here well inside the appointed time-slot.

All was cushty. Soaking up the rays…8-)

--- --- ---​

Fernando spread his beach towel as best he could. The wind was just a merest whisper, but it still managed to catch his towel and whip it across the patch of crappy sand that was all too close for Fernando’s liking!
Every time, Fernando only just managed to keep the towel away from the bad patch… Finally, Fernando laid the towel on the sand and placed four stones in each corner.
“Move now, you bugger”; he muttered.

As he stretched out on his towel, Fernando gazed left and right along the sandy beach.
“Why so crowded? I know it’s a nice day, but I’d like some bloody room”; Fernando moaned to himself.

Just then, the sound of some-one’s radio drifted on the slight wind and Fernando was surprised to hear a news report about the latest cricket score.
“Unusual for American radio to carry such news”; Fernando thought, and closed his eyes in contentment.
“Probably ‘cos it’s the ICC Trophy…”; he thought, as he drifted into a doze…

--- --- ---​

The Martian landscape was unchanged. Red, with a general back-ground of differing shades of red. Oh, with the odd bit of ochre…

As he checked out the remote viewing of the Mars lander cameras, Howard comforted Perky, Stumpy and Krilly. He then texted a short message to…
--- --- ---​

Coffey was mildly miffed when her mobile chirped, announcing a new text message. She opened the text and…

… It was from Howard! :heart:

She read the short message avidly, as if it was a letter from her latest love. Which it was…

--- --- ---​

Just at the time that Coffey was reading her love’s message, Fernando sauntered past on his way back to his hotel. Finally pissed off with the crowded beach, Fernando had decided enough was enough…

--- --- ---​

The hotel entrance doors rotated rather too quickly and Fernando was ejected into the hotel foyer! He only just about managed to keep himself on his feet, before he was practically bundled into a young woman and they both ended up in a pile on the foyer floor. The woman’s bags were strewn all over the place! Fernando rose his head from, well, from what he realised was the woman’s bosom!

Smiling weakly, Fernando began; “It’s the doors. They are too fast…”, before the young woman retort; “loquees quesondemasiado rápidos!”

The young (good looking!) woman walked off before Fernando could say that he was Spanish too...

Dusting himself down, Fernando walked briskly to the lift and went up to his room.

--- --- ---​

As Fernando entered his hotel room, he noticed two things.

  1. His all-day Engish breakfast was waiting for him.
  2. A man dressed all in black was sat in the chair facing the door and was also waiting for him!
Before he could say a word, the man in black produced a sheet of paper and placed it in Fernando’s hand.
The man then quickly made an exit through the door.

Stunned, Fernando took a moment to come to his senses. He then opened the sheet of paper...

--- --- ---​

It all just seemed like only moments since Coffey had read the text from Howard. Plenty of time...
How can one measure assistance in this earthly domain, when we’re measuring it in the cup of heavenly love!
Coffey briefly looked at her watch.

“Oh shit! It’s well past the time that I should have noticed Fernando and followed him”; said Coffey, frantically.

She got up and raced up the beach, leaving her towel and suntan lotion behind...

--- --- ---​

On the sheet of paper in Fernando’s hand was a message.

Now, Fernando was used to receiving messages. Most of which were strange, thanks to his Mother, Cameron Diaz. But this was beyond the pale!

On your visit to America, could you scout out the tyres available? Firestone are used. As are Goodyear. Any info will be to our advantage. If not now, then in the future.


Fernando cursed.

--- --- ---​

As Coffey raced up the beach back to her hotel, she stumbled on something half buried in the sand. Coffey was sent sprawling, head first into the sandy er, sand...

Sitting up, spitting sand out from her mouth, Coffey inspected the beastly object from which she sprawled.

Golden was the bird-like head jutting from the sand. Hefting out the object from the sand and dusting it down, Coffey gazed upon the golden, if no-longer bejewelled, body of a falcon...

--- --- ---​

The only reason Fernando had come to Daytona, was because his Mother had told him to. He’d assumed there would either be a trophy, a message or maybe even the Maltese Falcon itself for him! But no, there was only a stupid, crummy message from Luca about possible tyres!

It’s not like there will be a change of supplier any time soon...

--- --- --- --- --- ---​
Who knows what will happen next..!​
In order for you to find out in the next instalment, don't forget to stay tuned! :snacks:


Champion Elect
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Howard hovered inconspicuously at the rear of the dais, behind more senior NASA dignitaries. He was happy to be in the background. He’d never liked being in the spotlight. You never knew when it’ll all go tits up! He was happy that Opportunity had made
a discovery on Mars, but as it wasn’t on his watch and it didn’t involve Aliens, Howard could not drum up any enthusiasm...

As the press conference went on with his bosses lapping up the plaudits, Howard checked his mobile for any text messages from Coffey.

Sadly, he’d not heard from her for several days, perhaps even a week…

--- --- ---​

The dark shaped being should have been amused at the NASA press conference it was watching on its little screen, on its little cube. Perhaps even should be laughing out loud at the stupidity of human-kind. But there was something niggling at the back of its consciousness.

The carbon unit, Coffey Muggs, has not reported in. She better not have been watching American boys! If she’s lost Fernando Alonso Unit, she will regret it..!”; the dark being thought.

Or maybe, she had found something she wished to remain hidden..!

--- --- ---​

Fernando was relaxing on his veranda at his apartment at Maranello. The sun was not too hot, but he shouldn’t stay out in it too long. Perky was snuffling about under Fernando’s chair and found an interesting insect to annoy.

Fernando’s thoughts centred on F1, breakfasts and The Maltese Falcon. Not necessarily in that order…

I wonder if there will ever be another breakfast related riddle/trophy”; he thought. “It’s about time. And a Maltese Falcon riddle wouldn’t go amiss. After all, my vision at Jerez about the Falcon flying from the Red Bull must have come true, if you ignore the last race!

In attempt to ignore the result from Canada, Fernando leant down and tried to scratch Perky’s head, but the little pig quickly scampered off to a more interesting part of the veranda. One with a patch of a damp substance which Fernando meant to clean up when he had time…

One result does not a Falcon bedecked Red Bull make”; Fernando’s thoughts continued. “I was within a shout and it was mixed weather!

Does one clutch at straws in one's thoughts..?

--- --- ---​

Christian was flummoxed..!

Christian was also very pleased..!

Sitting in his garden at his little house on Pitcairn Island, Christian Horner was feeling smug and wished everyone could see him now. Except this was his sort of a secret/private place, so not really see him…

Even without the Maltese Falcon, Seb won the race at Montreal..! Yes/No! I mean, how fantastical is that!”; Christian’s thoughts were running wild. His right leg was bouncing up and down like a jack hammer. “I wager, if I had to bet on either yes or no, I’d be sure on which I’d choose!”

Thinking a little, Christian amended his thoughts.

I’d still rather have the Maltese Falcon back and attached to the rear of Seb’s Red Bull...!

--- --- ---​

Sticking her finger in her ear, Coffey tried to think of a response.
Wishing she wasn’t in such a tricky situation, Coffey tried to image the answer that was really sought after.

“Ice-cream with jelly”; Coffey said.

The response was one of silence.

Taking her finger out, Coffey looked at the finger. In a flash of inspiration, she amended her answer.

“I mean wax.”

The silent looks from the four questioners was less menacing. In fact, the smiles from their faces were quite reassuring..!

--- --- --- --- ---​
Has Howard been stood up? Is Fernando within a shout of beating the Red Bull? Are his thoughts clutching at straws?​
And where is Coffey Muggs with the Maltese Falcon?​
Stay strewn across the stratosphere! :)
Err. I mean, stay scrawled across the pavement... :dunno:


Champion Elect
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....


Coffey held her breath. The two people on the seats across the room looked at each other with, unless Coffey was completely mistaken, well… with relief.

“A wax copy vould be fantastic, ya! We vould like ze wax falcon to be exactly like ze original, in every vay”; said the smaller, shiftier looking, man.

“Of course”; said Coffey, uneasily. “I completely understand you not wanting the Falcon fashioned in ice-cream and jelly, but imagine your guests marvelling at the dessert when it is brought out…”

“Enough!”; shouted the second man. (He looked shifty too, thought Coffey). “We have told you what we want; a wax copy. And it is to be brought to us in Milton Keynes. Not a word to Christian on Pitcairn Island. Direct to Milton Keynes.”

Even though the second man had less of an accent, Coffey was under no illusions that the two men were on the same team.

“Okay, no problem”; Coffey said. “Just tell me the address and it shall be delivered.”

As he smiled at Coffey across the room, Helmut Marko was pleased.
Seb does not need such ludicrous trinkets like the Maltese Falcon”; Marko thought. “Despite what Horner thinks, Seb is good enough on his own! But he loves his records and trophies, so a wax copy of the Maltese Falcon would be a great present for him. Plus it would be another dagger to undermine Christian’s authority in the team…"

“Now, about the price”; said Coffey. “We said €12M for the original, so for a wax copy, how about €1000?”

--- --- ---​

As she left the meeting place, an ancient castle in the middle of a pine forest, Coffey looked over her shoulder at the two creepy men she had just made an agreement with.

What do they want with a wax copy of the Maltese Falcon”; she thought. “Maybe it’s an elaborate candle for a ceremony, or something…

--- --- ---​

Fernando stepped off the small plane, shielded his face from the rain and surveyed his surroundings. It was the comforting sight of the airfield on Jersey. Picking up his luggage, Fernando made his way to the private VIP exit, which negated the need to associate with the general public.

As he approached the VIP gate, the attending Gendarme inspected Fernando’s face and smiled. Fernando didn’t recognise the guard, so he only gave a perfunctory nod of his head and flashed his passport with barely a pause.

As Fernando passed though the VIP gate, the guard thought; “I ‘az a nod from Fernando! Marvellous…

Settling into the rear seat of the waiting taxi, Fernando gazed out of the window as the rain drenched the fields and hedges.

My favourite British Island, which was the setting of my favourite TV cop show”; thought Fernando happily.

The taxi sped off up the country lane toward the nearest town.

--- --- ---​

The taxi only slowed very slightly before swerving around a hedgehog. The driver looked in the rear view mirror and said to Fernando; “It’s good to see you back again ‘Nando. It only seems like yesterday that you were last here! How are you keeping?”

“I am fine, Kurtis. I have a few little critters to look after, but…” Seeing the look that Kurtis gave him, Fernando continued; “No, not little bambinos! I’m talking pets! A pig, a crab and a krill.”

“Ah, Okay”; said Kurtis, a little disappointedly. “Sounds nice…”

A few minutes of silence followed, only punctuated by the squeal of the tyres as the taxi careered through the country lanes.

“Oh yeah, ‘Nando, I have a message for you”; Kurtis finally said, and handed a note to Fernando whilst expertly guiding the taxi through the narrow lane.

Fernando took the note from Kurtis and tucked it into his shirt pocket, willing to wait until he got to his hotel room before reading it.

Fernando was more concerned with Kurtis’ driving! He knew he’d been driving these lanes most of his life, but Fernando still would rather Kurtis slowed down…

The rear of the taxi stepped out, as Kurtis took the right-hand bend with more speed than was wise. Fernando was impressed with the way Kurtis dealt with the over-steer, only just levelling out the car before they carried on up the now straightened lane, splashing through the large puddles which threw large amounts of muddy water over the hedges at the road-side.

This guy should give Felipe lessons on how to drive in the wet”; thought Fernando.

-- --- ---​

Having arrived at his hotel safely, Fernando had checked in and was unpacking his luggage when he remembered the note.

Taking the note from his shirt pocket, Fernando opened it. As he’d hoped, the note was a riddle.

On the web, it’s with Cider,
But a spider drink it is not.
Posh folk like it done on one side, er
But buttered when it is hot!
What am I?
At the bottom of the note was a post-script.

P.S. Ask for me in the dining hall. Ask the right person and the trophy is yours…

In the deepening gloom of early evening, Fernando struck a match and lit some candles. He then sat down in the one comfy chair and started to think. Fernando decided he loved riddles…

---- ---- ---- ---- ----​

I would like to say thank you to a Mr T.B. Yo-kell, for his inspirational message. His Conversation Message, on the “Clip the Apex” website, was a great help in the continuing complexity that is Fernando Alonso’s adventures.
Whilst Red Bull is still winning, he suggested that their version of the Maltese Falcon is a fake.
Possibly, Mr Yo-kell, but as they now only have a wax copy, we will all find out after Silverstone whether they will miss the real Maltese Falcon eventually!

Thank you again, Mr T.B. Yo-kell (I hope I’m pronouncing your name correctly! Hopefully, I’m not doing a Coulthard…:unsure: )

--- ---​

So, will Fernando solve the latest riddle? What is Coffey Muggs up to? And will Christian discover that his authority has been undermined yet again?

Stay tuned.


Champion Elect
In the sitting room adjacent to his work-room, on Pitcairn Island, Christian picked up his mug of tea and took a sip, scolding his lips slightly. Wincing at the brief moment of pain, he put the mug back down on the coaster and pressed start on his little stop-watch, which was sat on the table next to the coaster.

I will give it four minutes to cool down”; thought Christian, and proceeded to monitor the LCD display as it counted from 0:00 upwards. Christian always liked to have a stop-watch handy when he was having a mug of tea.

While he continued to monitor the watch display, Christian’s leg twitched as if wanting to break into bouncing up and down at any moment. His thoughts ran away with him...

All this attention on F1, but none of it on Red Bull..! Fools!
Seb will show them at the next race. Tests are one thing, but just you wait! We’ll show you all who has gained the most!


And when we get the Maltese Falcon back, we Seb will be unbeatable..! Although, we are quite good without it. It’s not as though we haven’t been bending rules ourselves… :unsure:

As the little stop-watch reached 4:00, Christian took another sip from his mug of tea. It was the perfect temperature.

Christian relaxed back into his comfortable reclining chair and dreamed of victory...


Champion Elect
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

It was hot. Damned hot!

Heat waves rippled along the planet’s surface, like a mirage.

The dark shaped being extracted a black substance from the planet’s surface with its right hand… Well, let’s call it its right hand, but it could also be its left hand. In fact, both right AND left hand could be the same, as they are in fact identical.

But don’t say that in front of either of them! They are both quite sensitive about their leanings/origins and we don’t want to encourage left/right arguments…

So, as we were saying, a black substance was extracted from the planet’s surface with one of its hands and the dark shaped being then began moulding the substance into a round object.

The round object began to show “raised” lettering around the sides. If any beings lived on this inhospitable planet, they probably wouldn't be able to read the lettering, but for you, the reader, I will replicate the letting here for you:

“P I R E L L I”

The dark shaped being inspected the rubbery like object it had created on this distant planet and nodded to itself.

This just needs colouring added to the letters and it’s ready to go..!”; it thought. “Hem Bury unit said it wanted tyres reverted to the old type, as his new hybrid tyre was crap. So it shall be.

I can deliver the old type rubber. Coffey Muggs just needs to deliver the Maltese Falcon to me and I can be shot with this crumby racing malarkey…!

---- ---- ---- ----​

Lieutenant Coffey Muggs relaxed in her quarters at the British Base on Antarctica. She inspected the glowing, golden, resplendent statue that was "The Maltese Falcon" and wondered why such a wonderful object didn’t have any jewels attached to it.

No matter”; she thought. “It’s nice and shiny…

---- ---- ---- ----​

Ever since Fernando had said out loud that Ferrari need to start winning, he’d realised that he’s made a gaff.

“It’s not just that I need to start winning”; he said to Perky worriedly. “The other drivers’ need to DNF!”

Perky looked at Fernando with his little pink ears twitching.

“I know”; said Fernando. “Relying on another driver isn’t perfect, but it is what it is and I can only affect my own race…”

The little pig snorted, desirably.

“Gentlemen win admirably. I am a gentleman racer…”

Fernando was now confronted by not just Perky, but also Stumpy and Krilly, all with consternation on their ‘faces’.

Remembering that all may not be lost as he still hadn’t sorted out the last breakfast riddle, Fernando asked his animal friends; “Ok, what is your suggestion?”

---- ---- ---- ----​

Travelling across the Milky Way Galaxy, the little Neutrino revelled in the way it spun and soared between particles.

It dived past a particle the size of hydrogen. It waved at a passing light wave, with contempt!

As it twisted through a complex structure the size of Bernie Ecclestone’s DNA, the Neutrino looked over its 'shoulder' and thought; “hey, that WAS Bernie Ecclestone’s DNA! He should really have a doctor look at that…”

Before its thought could reach any conclusion, the Neutrino was enveloped by blackness. Unknown to the little Neutrino, its death magically transformed the colouring of the lettering around the rubbery structure begat by the dark shaped being.

Until now, nothing was known to react with a neutrino, but then nothing was known to react quite like a Pirelli tyre.

Until recently…

----- ----- ----- ----- -----​

Will Fernando resolve his dispute with his entourage (his animals)?

Will Coffey work out what to do with the "Maltese Falcon" and is it the real one?

What/who is the dark shaped being, what distant planet was the "rubber" extracted from and was it really for Pirelli?

Stay chewed... :popcorn:
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Champion Elect
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Fernando and Krilly sat perched on the front edge of Fernando's reclining leather chair. Both were glued to the television, which was showing coverage of the Ashes. Fernando knew that it was tense, but he maybe had missed the "gist" of it.
"Will the rain continue and the match be declared a draw?"; Fernando thought.
Krilly kept his thoughts to himself, as any sensible crustacean would...

Whilst the cricket 'drama' played out on the screen in front of him, Fernando couldn't help but be distracted by thoughts of the talk with Luca.
"We may win as a team, but Luca fails to remember that I do not make mistakes!"; Fernando thought. "Ferrari may be a family, but the family cannot keep letting me down!"

The television flashed up a message shown at Old Trafford; "England Retain The Ashes."

All thoughts about Luca were momentarily abandoned and Fernando looked at Krilly, who looked up excitedly at Fernando. Both were quite sure that this was something to be celebrated. Fernando then leapt up in the air and shouted something in Spanish. With Fernando's weight gone, the reclining leather chair sprang up and Krilly was catapulted up/across the room at great speed.
As he was still exhilarated by the Ashes retention, Krilly happily waggled his many little legs as he sailed through the air and luckily landed in Stumpy's shallow pool. He skated across the surface until he bumped into Stumpy, who had been in his usual comatose-like state. Stumpy briefly open one eye, saw it was just an excited little krilly bobbing about and went back to sleep.

Fernando came back to reality.

"I need to improve my performances and results soon for Luca, or I am toast!"; Fernando thought.

"Hang on, that's it"; said Fernando out-loud. "The latest riddle! The answer is toast!"

--- --- --- ---​

Now that Fernando has realised that the latest riddle answer is Toast, will he remember that he has to travel back to Jersey in order to find it?

And if he does find it, will it help him?

Perhaps even assuage Luca?

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Champion Elect
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Fernando had decided to take advantage of the extended summer break in the F1 schedule and had travelled back to Jersey.

"Normally one wouldn't retrace one's steps"; Fernando thought, trying to sound posh, "but sometimes one can't avoid one's mistakes."
"Shit! I don't make mistakes!"; he exclaimed loudly.

The young lady at the hotel dining-hall till was shocked! Her face paled visibly.

"Sorry"; Fernando said, feeling decidedly embarrassed. "I was thinking of something else! I wasn't talking to you. I mean I, er... I didn't mean, er... I meant to tell you the answer to this riddle."

Fernando handed the lady a note.

On the web, it’s with Cider,
But a spider drink it is not.
Posh folk like it done on one side, er
But buttered when it is hot!
What am I?
The young lady had recovered some of her composure. She asked; "So what is the answer to..?"

Before she could finish, Fernando blurted out; "Toast! The answer is toast."

"Thank you, sir"; the young lady said. "If you would just like to wait one moment. I will find your trophy."

---- ---- ---- ----​

Sat in his seat on the plane back to Maranello, Fernando thought; "I need to get away. On one of my travels to a British Territory! Extraneous though they may be."

Fernando leant back in his first class seat and read "the guardian". It was an obituary to one of Fernando's Ballet favourites.

Glistening as it nestled in Fernando's hand luggage, the toast trophy seemed to glow with anticipation.

---- ---- ---- ----​

Howard was busy concentrating on guiding the Rover "Opportunity" towards its next destination.
Slow even though it may be, the Rover was on a different planet! You couldn't just switch off and sleep drive it.

As Opportunity negotiated its way over some rocky terrain, Howard's mobile rang out with his call ring-tone, "The Eve of the War" from Jeff Wayne's The War of the Worlds.
Howard quickly looked at the mobile screen whilst he "drove" the Mars Rover with one hand.
The screen read "Coffey Muggs".

Slowing the Rover even further, to an almost dead standstill, Howard pressed the answer button.

"Y'ello"; he said.

----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----​

So, what does the "Toast" trophy mean in the grand scheme of things? Is it the final piece in the "breakfast trophy" jigsaw? And if so, well, what can it mean?
Where is Fernando planning on travelling to next?
Have we seen the last of "the dark shaped being"?
What does Coffey want with Howard? Is it just a social call? If it is, should we be listening to it?!

Stay slewed!

--- --- ---

Shutting down the screen on his little cube shaped object, the dark shaped being turned. On the desk next to it was a beetle. The dark shaped being spoke to the beetle in a dialect which is unpronounceable to you or I.

The beetle bowed (after a fashion) and scurried through a hole in the air. Like a tear in reality...

--- --- ---
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Champion Elect
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Fernando opened the cabin door a crack and peeked through. As he couldn't see anyone, he opened the door a bit more and poked his head out enough to see up and down the corridor... No-one was in sight.

"Phew"; Fernando thought. "For a moment there, I thought I was being watched."

On the boat journey back to Maranello from the latest trip to a British Territory, Fernando was a bit worried that he might have been missed these last few weeks and was wondering why Luca dM hadn't called him on his mobile...

--- --- --- ---​

"Hi Coffey, 'Sup?"; asked Howard, answering the call on his cell phone.
++ His phone squawked in answer ++.
"What do you mean, FA doesn't seem his normal self?"
++ More squawking ++
Howard's face mirrored his concern.
"When did this happen..?"
++ Squawk, squawk squawk... ++

Moving rapidly to the exit of the Rover Control room, Howard flew open the door and soon began to run...

--- --- --- ---​

Trying to tread carefully through the deserted cafeteria, Fernando almost fell as he tripped on the small coffee table. Cursing, he kicked at it and then happened to notice a newspaper on the small table. It was a Sport paper. The main story was about Force India. A bloke called "Cholera" or something...

But it was the story below which concerned Fernando the most.
"I'm set to buy a cycling team?!"; he said out-loud. "No I'm not! What would I want with a bunch of druggies on a bike ride?
Who is pretending to be me?
I need to get back to Maranello, ASAP..."

--- --- --- ---​

Howard tried to contact Cameron Diaz, but with no success. He hadn't heard from her for several months.

"Where is a time-travelling mother when you need her.."; Howard thought.

--- --- --- ---​

Fernando had reached the bar on the main deck.

"Can I use the phone please?"; he asked.

"Of course"; replied the bar attendant.

"Thanks"; replied Fernando.

... Stepping towards the public phone, Fernando paused.

"That's not an earthly voice"; Fernando thought.

"I am not from Earth!"; said the bar attendant.

Then a bright light surrounded Fernando Alonso for a few moments...and then both Fernando and the bar attendant disappeared.

--- --- --- ---​

Meanwhile, at Monza...

Fernando's replacement smiled quietly to itself.

"No one suspects anything! Even when I proposed buying a cycling team! Everything is going well."; replacement Fernando thought.

"Now it's just the racing itself when the proof hits the pudding!
No, when the pudding hits the proof!
No!! ... is the proof of the pudding?
Bloody stupid Earth tongues!


The last word was spoken and, if said in front of it's mother, would make replacement Fernando ashamed...

--- --- --- --- --- --- ---​

The End.

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Champion Elect
The Beginning of the Adventures of Replacement Fernando Alonso....

Perky and Krilly sat despondently in front of the TV. Both were reticent about the story unfolding in front of them, but Perky was the one to fidget.

Krilly, on the other hand, was stoic in the face of shocking news...

Scrolling across the bottom of the TV was the news-thread:

Breaking News: Lenarndo Afonso has been abducted by an Alien. Maple syrup supplies in doubt.

Both pig and krill knew that this was mistaken identity, but they both also knew that the "Fernando Alonso" that had been with them these last few weeks was NOT the Fernando Alonso that they had come to love over the last year or so....

---- ---- ---- ----​

Stumpy was slumped, comatose, at the edge of his shallow pool in the Fernando Alonso apartment.

Stumpy's leg twitched.

---- ---- ---- ----​

Coffey bounced the un-jewelled Maltese Falcon in her hands and thought.

After a while, her thoughts coalesced into...another thought...
"If Fernando is missing and his friends' presume he's been replaced, maybe I can sell the Falcon to his replacement..."; she mused. "Must keep this from Howard though..."

---- ---- ---- ----​

"Replacement Fernando Alonso", or RFA, eyed the driving contracts that had been placed on the table in front of him, carefully.

As a "being not from Earth", RFA was not used to such things as contracts. Everything was usually sorted by stones. Much quicker and easier, if less queiter, but still, much quicker...

The parties involved watched impatiently as RFA dithered over the contracts in front of him...

RFA thought; "It's not my life", so it signed....

---- ---- ---- ---- ----​

Whilst Fernando Alonso had been "moved" to another place, has his replacement "moved" him to another team?
Will Coffey Muggs take advantage and do something with the Maltese Falcon?
Will Perky and Krilly ever see their owner again?
Will Stumpy ever regain consciousness?

Stay tune....

.. Oh, err, yeah.. Will the real Fernando Alonso ever come back from where-ever he's been zapped off to..?

Stay plastered...
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Champion Elect
The Continuing Adventures of Replacement Fernando Alonso....

"Your replacement is doing a fine job, is he not? A better job than you seemed capable of, anyway"; the thin, waspish voice breathed lazily. "I wonder how he will cope with your new team-mate? But that can wait. Plenty of other things for you to worry about before then..!"

The red colour of the rock formations shone when the sunlight splashed across them. Almost mocking in their brilliance.

"Are you sure that Luca is not looking to replace you with the Finn from Lotus?"; the thin voice mocked, almost as an addition to the mocking of the sunlight. "Ha, ha, ha"; the thin voice replaced its words with slow, evil sounding laughter.

On the edge of hearing, a sound like.. a sound like a large buggy going by...

"Do not pay any mind to the noise you may be hearing"; the thin voice breathed, "rescue is beyond your dreams, let alone your reality."

The captive rolled his eyes about, in an attempt to see any glimmer of hope from any quarter. Beads of sweat sprang up on his forehead.

In a change of tack, the thin, waspish voice asked; "How is Perky?"

----- ----- ----- -----​

Perky bounced up and down, expectantly. It wasn't every day that treats came in, fourfold!

The apartment door opened; both Howard and Coffey entered. Perky trotted up to them as fast as his little legs could carry him!
Howard picked him up and received a thorough licking.

Perky loved visits from friends, especially with presents...

In the trophy cabinet, the last addition glowed, as if responding to something...



----- ----- ----- -----​

RFA realised he needed to go to Fernando's apartment, but RFA just didn't like animals!

Trying to build itself up to the task, RFA imagined the reaction from it's master if the mission failed.

Wiping sweat from its brow, RFA thanked "Fnarglefrinsham" that it was in Singapore and not Maranello...

------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------​

Was the "buggy" sound the captive heard in fact, "Opportunity"?

Or was it just an opportunity to escape?

Will Fernando's replacement build up the courage to confront the animals?

Stay tuned.
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Champion Elect
The Continuing Adventures of Replacement Fernando Alonso....

RFA sat on the settee in the Fernando Alonso apartment in Maranello Tower and carefully picked at the sutures on his left arm.
He knew he shouldn't pick at them, but a healing wound always itched and he found picking at the stitches helped.
Actually no it didn't help, as most of time the wound didn't heal properly and left a scar, but RFA picked away anyway...

"Bloody animals"; RFA thought. "The flipping pig was bad enough, but that stupid little sea creature was even worse!"

The battle with the Alonso animals, which RFA had feared on his return to Maranello, had been fierce. Pig and krill were relentless in their assaults on RFA, causing multiple bruising and a deep gouge in his left arm. The injuries weren't all one way though, RFA proudly thought to itself, as both pig and krill would be licking their wounds for some time to come. It had taken some time, but RFA had managed to capture both of the animals and hold them in a secure location. The only animal loose in the Alonso apartment now was the Japanese Spider Crab, which was still comatose and wouldn't pose any threat.

RFA began work on the next step of the plan. He picked up Fernando Alonso's phone and selecting a number from the list of numbers available.

RFA waited as a dial tone sounded in his ear...

--- --- ---​

From the trophy cabinet, Perky looked on as his owner's replacement pressed buttons on "something" and then seemed to be listening to it. Perky had seen Fernando do this sort of thing before, but Fernando was allowed to do that, as he was Perky's owner. How dare this replacement do the same thing with his owner's "something"!

Perky continued to stare at Fernando's replacement for a few moments, but as he could not affect what was happening outside, he inspected his wounds and licked them. They were not that bad really, mere scratches, so he turned to krilly who was laid out next to him. Krilly looked poorly and could only just about open his eyes to look at Perky.

Perky did the best he could for Krilly. He licked him.

On the shelves above them, the trophies seemed to be pulsating and dimly glowing...

--- --- ---​
The call is answered.>


"Hello Bernie, this is Fernando Alonso's Replacement, err I mean, this is Fernando Alonso, replacement is not Ferrari's way. How is you?"

"Okay Fernando, what do you want?"

"How is the timetable for 2014? The hope is for 25 at the table, yeas?"

"/sigh/ No. It's 22 at the table and that will be a bloody struggle! Now tell Luca he can fnargall@&$£..."

The call is cut off. <

--- --- ---​

Smiling to itself, RFA was pleased.

"More races, more chance of chaos!"; said RFA to itself. "Plus, who said it was Luca dM that wants the extra races..."

Pleased that the alien subterfuge was rolling along, RFA settled down into the Alonso settee and dozed...

--- --- ---​

Howard sat upright, unsure of what he had seen. A puff of steam? Now that would be remarkable!! On Mars, water in a liquid state hadn't existed in aeons!

After continued observation of the vent, no further evidence was um, evident...

"Must be my imagination"; thought Howard.

Howard powered Opportunity onward, at a snails pace...

----- ----- ----- ----- -----​

Any idea of what is going on? Nah :nah:, nor me!

See you next time! :wave:
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Champion Elect
The Adventures of Replacement Fernando Alonso....

When the lights flickered, RFA thought the worst.

When they flickered for about the hundredth time, RFA knew.

And what he knew, well, he knew that he'd made a big mistake.

--- --- ---​

Howard's phone rang (we know the ring-tone, so we won't go over it again..) and he answered it.

"......"; crackly silence.
"Y'ello"; said Howard.
Again, silence.

Howard was about to hang up, but then he heard something. Almost like a clicking sound...

.. but it was so quick and quiet, that Howard just shrugged and hung up.

He then saw the number from which the call came from.

Howard's phone rang again. Howard looked at the phone display and saw that the caller was again the same.

It was from Fernando Alonso's mobile...

Again Howard pressed the answer button;" Y'ello?"

--- --- ---​

Replacement Fernando Alonso had been advised by a couple of locals in India that he was going to be shown to the race circuit and some luxury digs, but this most certainly was not luxury and the circuit was not to be seen!

He'd heard/read that the Indian circuit was in the middle of nowhere, but this current location was in the mountains!

"Where am I?"; asked RFA.

"You are in the region of Kashmir"; said the local with a white turban.

"Oh"; said RFA. "Is that far from the F1 circuit?"

"Yes, about as far away from the circuit as your championship aspirations."

"OK"; said RFA. "I can make that up then."

The lights flickered on/off again.

"If that makes you feel better"; said the white turbaned local.

--- --- ---​

Stumpy had been frantically trying to press buttons on Fernando's mobile and, being a semi-comatose crab, he'd been unaware that he'd been successful. All Stumpy knew was that Krilly was ill and needed help. He didn't realise that he'd managed to arouse the concern of Howard and Howard had contacted Coffee.

Exhausted, Stumpy slumped on the table and tried one last attempt to randomly press a button on Fernando's mobile...

--- --- ---​

The door to Fernando's apartment flew open and Coffee Muggs ran in. She took in the scene of mayhem in front of her and of Stumpy slumped across a table and took stock. What the hell..?

It was then that she saw the trophy cabinet. Within the glass frontage, she saw a sprawled Perky and a spread-eagled something next to him.

Coffee opened the glass front of the trophy cabinet. Perky came awake and was overjoyed at the sight of Coffee.

"Oink Oink. Oink."; said Perky. (There's more, but for the sake of space, let's limit it to that...)

It was then that Coffee turned her attention to Krilly. Perky was the face of concern as Coffee closely inspected the life signs of poor Krilly.

Perky had known that things were bad, even though he was just a pig, but when Coffee looked up from Krilly, her distraught face was easily read.

"Oink?"; said Perky, anxiously.

Coffee just sadly shook her head and lay a serviette across Krilly's body.

"Oink"; said Perky, despairingly.

Even Stumpy seemed to know that his friend had passed on...

--- --- --- --- --- --- ---​

Will Replacement Fernando Alonso be able to race in India, now that he's been waylaid by the Taliban?
Will Fernando come back, maybe even replace Replacement Fernando?
How will Perky & Stumpy cope with the death of their Friend, Krilly?

Stay tuned, if you dare...............

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Champion Elect
The Adventures of No Fernando Alonso....

As Fernando surveyed the red vista in front of him, his thoughts drifted...

"Engine specifications... Ban the damned blown exhaustioning.
ERS on the side of Sky. Driver numbers. For life... And.. And.. and what does EJ do..

Under the setting sun, Fernando was losing the link to reality.

--- --- --- ---​

Fernando turned and looked at his companion.

"You wait until Felipe gets here!"; Fernando said fervently. "He supports me, no matter what."

His companion was unmoved.

"You may act cool now, but you won't be so shitting stationary when the piss hits the fan blades, I can tell you!"

Again, no movement.

Squinting at his companion, Fernando still failed to notice that it was made of Red Mars Rock...

--- --- --- ---​

Blood oozed from Fernando's right hand. The blood slowly splashed onto the red stone which made up his former companion.

"Double points! Don't be so bloody stupid! See what happens. Blood for being bloody stupid!"

Fernando sat back, vindicated in a blood soaked way.

"Just be thankful that Felipe didn't have to be here..."; Fernando said quietly.

--- --- --- ---​

Perky and Stumpy sat together and eyed the animal sitter suspiciously. Ever since the passing of Krilly, the two animal chums viewed all human contact suspiciously. Except maybe Coffee. She was Ok. But they just wanted Fernando back...

The young lady from Ferrari sat quietly, nervously inspecting her mobile phone.

"Please Mr Di Montezemolo, call me and give me a break from these two animal freaks!"; thought the Ferrari girl.

Perky and Stumpy continued to stare at the girl...

---- ---- ---- ---- ----
Has Fernando gone mad?
How can Fernando survive in the Martian atmosphere?
Has Replacement Fernando gone?
Are the animals OK?
Is there still a tale to tell?
Who can say?

Maybe the 2014 season will be the saviour? :popcorn:


Champion Elect
The Martian sunrise made the horizon glow, red.

A heat haze shimmered, giving the illusion of moisture, shimmering.

Through the shimmering, an illusion shimmered into solidity.

A figure of a man stepped from the hazy shimmering. It shimmered and then it stumbled on the uneven terrain.

“Sanguinantea terracacareirregolare!”; said the man.

The man briefly looked about and was about to walk off, when..

“Stefano Domencali, is that you?”; a voice asked from behind him.

“Fernando?”; asked Stefano in astonishment, turning around. “What am I doing here? Where is here? And what are YOU doing here!? Where-ever here is…”
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Champion Elect
+++++++++++++ BREAKING NEWS ++++++++++++++++

It has long been suspected, in conspiracy circles, that life has existed on Mars.
It has also recently been suspected that Fernando Alonso has not been 'imself.
Especially since he signed for McLaren..! :ermmm:

And now there is proof.!!!

This picture shows Fernando filling up the Martian rover, Curiosity, with fuel, on Mars..! :o

Life on Mars.jpg

So. Life does exist on Mars. And not only that, but that life is Fernando Alonso. :yes:
Who or what is signed to drive for McLaren back on Earth? :s

To (possibly) find out more, just keep an eye-out for the Conspirators Regular Accuracy Paper, published anywhere that'll have it, but may also be reproduced here... :please:

The above photo was obtained from this website >> http://home.bt.com/science-news/does-this-picture-show-life-on-mars-11363957668917
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