Fernando Alonso's Extraneous Adventures

On the subject of "anonymous holidays in Tenby".... what'd ya mean, no-one was talking about that? ... source link

The sleepy seaside town of Tenby, in South Wales, was sent into a frenzy yesterday, when the proprietor of a seafront hotel (The Tenby Ritz) let slip to his friend Morgan Evans the Butcher, or as he's known locally "Morgan the Meat", that a Spaniard had booked into the Tenby Ritz Hotel for a long weekend break. The Spaniard was named Lenarndo Afonso, and would be jetting off to Canada 'on a business trip' early next week.

Well, the scenes that followed were unbelievable. It was well known that Fernando Alonso used to take anonymous holidays in the town, thanks to later press reports on the subject, so the townsfolk put two and two together and got twotwo! Lenarndo Afonso was really Fernando Alonso, people thought, and now that they'd seen through his rues, they would stop "Fernado" from flying to Canada and thus help the favourite of the locals, Jaime Alguersuari or "Jones the Driver" as he's been nick-named. Yes Jaime was Spanish and not welsh, but his surname was difficult to pronounce and probably had too many letters in it, so he was adopted as the local F1 driver fave. Although Fernando was not in direct competition with "Jones the Driver", the Tenby massive thought that Fernando was stealing the Spanish limelight from their man and should be brought down a peg or two...

It transpires that Lenarndo is holed up in the Tenby Ritz Hotel and is unable to leave.The details are a bit sketchy at present, as no-one has been able to get close to the Ritz, due to the large crowd that now surrounds it. As no-one can enter or leave the Ritz, food is being thrown at the building in an attempt to keep supplies up.

After a bit of research on my part, I've discovered that Lenarndo Afonso is not Fernando Alonso, but is in fact a maple syrup importer. So, not only will Fernando Alonso be able to race in Canada (scuppering Tenby's plan re helping "Jones the driver"), but the UK's supply of Maple Syrup is running critically low...

COBRA, the government emergency planning committee has been called in, to discuss the Maple Syrup crisis.
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Howard drew his security card out from his leather wallet and flipped it around in his fingers.
Approaching the security gate, he "expertly" brought it to engage trajectory. The security light changed to amber and Harold glided his card through the security reader. A "Beep!" sounded and the little security light lit up green.
Howard pushed the door and entered the "NASA MARS rover mission center"....

It was approaching two a.m. Howard moved his right hand over the little joystick in front of him. As he did so, "Opportunity" moved back and forth slightly.
Howard sighed.
"I'm in charge of a rover on MARS and all I get to do is rove around a bloody crater, when I should be looking for Aliens!” he thought.
"Sure, it was now well known that Felipe Massa was "The Thing", but that's not a proper alien! The Thing had become comfortable at Ferrari and no longer had any fight in it!"
A real alien, with real alien fight, was something to yearn for...

Howard had a pristine copy of "The War of the Worlds" and had always harboured an ambition of discovering Aliens on MARS! Of course, ever since Beagle II was lost, discovering life on MARS was always going to be contaminated, but aliens were the thing that Harold had joined NASA for....

Whilst Howard was lost in a mindless daydream, a small troll like figure ambled up to "opportunity", knocked against it's outer hull and then ambled off....


Mean while, in Maranello

Stumpy splashed about in his shallow bowl of water. He'd had a 'whale' of a time since Fernando had rescued him from Japan. For a Japanese spider crab, he was living the high life. As for Krilly, the krill that was picked up from the sea near him, which happened to be the same krill that Stumpy had been chasing before he'd been captured... well, let's just say that they'd both been loving the good time...

Ferrari had gained a reputation for being green, which meant that there was plenty of dead sea fish to be had. As far as both Stumpy and Krilly (as he liked to be known) were concerned, everything was ticking along fine and dandy! All Ferrari had to do, was to keep the dead krill out of Krilly's sight..!

Lying in his bed, Fernando was listening to "Night at the Opera": "I'm In Love With My Car", by Queen.​
Looking forward to the next season...​
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

The water line lapped at about eye-line. Sometimes he was below the water, when the water abstracted the light/vision, and sometimes he was above the water, when everything was disturbingly in focus. Stalking his prey..


...If his stunted claws were fully grown back, poor Krilly would have been lunch! Instead, he had “thwacked” water and sent Krilly tumbling over about twenty times in the wake!

Instead of watching Krilly flounder in the now turbulent water, Stumpy turned so he could see what Fernando was up to...

Fernando thumbed through his diary. OK, his 2013 diary was all but empty, but it did have one important entry, right at the beginning.

1 Jan 2013:​
Sometimes boiled, found with cabbage
Sometimes steaked with rings of fruit
Sometimes crisp, with lettuce fresh
It's then the red source will find me best
To be found inside the large alligator of the Caribbean!

Fernando couldn’t believe he had forgotten about his “quest”. He’d found the “egg” from the first riddle, but he’d neglected to continue…
Bloomin’ "Thing"! How he’d hated Felipe when he was himself, he positively despised him now he was an “alien”!

Putting “Thingy” from his mind, he concentrated on the task as outlined by the mysterious message written (unwittingly) via Stumpy.

“Sometimes boiled, found with cabbage” – err :s
“Sometimes steaked with rings of fruit” – sounds like gammon :thinking:
“Sometimes crisp, with lettuce fresh
It's then the red source will find me best” – sounds like… BACON! It all sounds like bacon! :thumbsup:

“To be found inside the large alligator of the Caribbean!” – oh bugger! :unsure:


Now that Fernando is finally focused on the task in hand, namely the task handed to him by his mother, Cameron,
(click here for a reminder) things may eventually reach some sort of conclusion. But then, what does Howard have to do with anything..?

Stay tuned...
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Fernando hesitated in front of his refrigerator, unsure of the best way to proceed...

He’d been away for a while, off and on, so he had not needed to venture into its chilly depths for some time. Most of its contents would probably be OK, but the one item he now needed was, well, let’s say it was past the "best used immediately" date!

When Fernando had ‘liberated’ the small brown egg from inaccessible island (click here for a reminder), he’d been so happy at solving the riddle and then finding the egg that he’d neglected to store it properly. Of course, Fernando should have either cooked the egg and eaten it straight away, or emptied the egg of its runny contents so it wouldn’t go off.

Now, some 16 months later, Fernando was faced with trying to empty the egg whilst keeping the shell intact. This would mean blowing the egg, thus removing the innards and keeping the shell whole. Fernando could have done this right here in his apartment, but the smell of rotten egg would have been around for months!

So, Fernando turned around, opened a drawer, routed around in it for a while and found the tools he was looking for; i.e. a clothes-peg, a pin and a paper clip. He unfolded the clip so it was a straight piece of wire.
Turning back to the fridge, Fernando clipped the clothes-peg on his nose and put the pin and paper clip in his pocket. He opened the fridge and located the egg. Fernando took the egg and gingerly shuffled to the door of his apartment. Luckily he had forgotten to shut the door earlier, so it was already open! Fernando moved through to the hallway outside.

He shuffled down the hall to the stairwell and went carefully down one flight to the floor below. On this floor was located the apartment belonging to Felipe. Fernando knew that Felipe was now “the thing” and so didn’t really bother with doors and he was right. Felipe’s apartment door was wide open! Fernando entered Felipe’s room.
"Hellooo..”; Fernando called.
There was no reply. Grinning to himself, Fernando moved over to the first of a long line of crash helmets, presuming that would be the one used first (probably at the Jerez test…) He fished the pin out from his pocket with one hand. Whilst carefully holding the egg with the other hand, he pierced the egg at both ends. He dropped the pin on the floor and fished the straightened paper-clip from his pocket. Inserting the clip into the egg through one of the holes, he swirled it around liberally, thus scrambling the rotten, smelly, egg yolk.

“Now for the ickiest part”; thought Fernando. He placed his lips over one of the holes, aimed the other hole into the helmet and blew with all his might!!! A powerful jet of foul smelling, orangey green liquid shot out and splattered against the padded inner lining of Felipe Massa’s crash helmet. Fernando kept blowing for as long as he could, to make sure he got all of the rancid contents out from the egg, and then ran laughing from the apartment (carefully clutching the now empty egg)...

Back in his own apartment and after swilling the egg out with warm water, Fernando gently placed the egg in a little gold egg-cup on a shelf in his trophy cabinet.
The last line of the latest riddle, “To be found inside the large alligator of the Caribbean!” had kept Fernando guessing for a while, but he’d stumbled upon the answer whilst watching a quiz show on TV. He couldn’t remember the name of the show, but one of the questions required the contestant to provide an alternative name for an alligator. The answer given was “Cayman”. Now, even Fernando knew that the Cayman Islands were in the Caribbean! Thus, the next item was to be found in the Cayman Islands!
“I can’t wait”; thought Fernando. “I like travelling, especially when it’s to a British Overseas Territory!”

So, Fernando now knew where to look, but what is he to look for? Bacon is the likely answer to the latest riddle, but what form would it take? Fresh bacon? What?

You’ll have to stay tuned to find out…
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Wind. It was on the wind that news was carried; both good and bad. Good news wind was usually nice and warm, possibly with a slight hint of summery smells; like grassy meadows or flowers.
Bad news wind was usually cold and wet; possibly strong like a hurricane, tearing things apart, with its dispassionate, strong windiness. The Cayman Islands are prone to Hurricanes.

Thankfully, the hurricane season is from June to November, so, this being February, good news then?

--- --- ----​

Fernando had arrived on the Cayman Islands and booked into a hotel in the capital, George Town. It hadn’t taken him long to discover that "the large alligator of the Caribbean" was in fact the island called Grand Cayman. George Town was the capital of Grand Cayman, so it was here that he should find the bacon referred to in the riddle. Sounds simple doesn’t it?!

But there were no pigs on the island! Iguanas, turtles and agouti. But no pigs.

... Except, the Governor of the Cayman Islands (the Queens representative) kept a small pig as a pet. Fernando had learned that this pig was kept at the Governor’s private estate. Its name was Perky, apparently.

"Well, that must be it"; thought Fernando and off he went to buy something with which to kill the little pig.
"A machete should do".

--- --- ---​

As he thought it best to keep a low profile and not make it general knowledge that he was buying a machete, Fernando thought it a good idea to go in disguise. He also reckoned he should borrow a machete from one of the non-resident workers rather than from one of the local population. So, it was a relatively chilly morning (many of the locals were wrapped up warm with extra layers of clothing) which saw a white European holidaymaker, dressed in Bermuda shorts and flip-flops, approach a roadside worker and, after a brief conversation, leave with a large implement wrapped in sack-cloth.
"Large eye-browed and hairy" was the description later given by the roadside worker to the police...

--- --- ---​

Fernando peered around the trunk of the palm tree cautiously. There was a gap of only a couple of feet between him and the pen. A small gate provided a means of entry to what Fernando assumed would be the little pig’s home. Fernando looked around for any ground staff and seeing none, he quickly crossed the gap to the gate. Being in a bit of a hurry, Fernando vaulted over the small gate and landed with a squelch! Of course, this is a pig pen! Looking down, Fernando was relieved to see it was mud and not s... something else, that pigs could be happy in.

Looking around urgently, Fernando was again relieved. This time, by the sight of a little pig "snouting" around in a patch of grass just a few yards away.
"Hello little piggy, err, I mean Perky"; said Fernando.
"Oink"; said Perky.
Intrigued by the new distraction in his little enclosed world, Perky trotted over to Fernando and sniffed his out-stretched hand. With his other hand, Fernando carefully reached around for the machete "holstered" on his back. He slowly drew out the machete and raised it high over the little pigs head.
Perky’s little piggy eyes looked up to see what was going to be offered to him. Probably wondering what food it was going to be. Fernando’s eyes blurred with tears (he wasn’t a monster that liked killing things!) and just as he was about to bring the machete blade crashing down on Perky’s skull, he saw a glint of something in the grass behind the little pig. Fernando froze, the machete still hovering in the air. Perky looked around to see what Fernando was looking at...

--- --- ---​

Back in his hotel room, Fernando was urgently packing his bags.
"Now that I’ve found what I’m looking for, best to get the hell out of here before the police start to take an interest"; he thought.
One of his items he packed very carefully. The item that had glinted at him back in the pig pen, which was a bronze statue of two pigs. Two pigs in an, hu-hum, intimate embrace!
Of course, the police might also take a dim view of what he’d done with the Governor’s pet pig, "Perky".
Finishing packing his bags, Fernando grabbed them and made towards the door.
"I may even get back to Maranello in time to get ready for the Jerez test"; he said.
"Oink"; said Perky, as the little pig trotted out of the room after Fernando.

--- --- ---​

After arriving at his apartment in Maranello, Fernando placed the pig statue in his trophy cabinet, alongside the egg. He’d painted the egg gold, to go with the golden egg-cup and now with the bronze pig statue, it looked quite good.
"Pleased with that"; thought Fernando.

As he left to get ready for Jerez, Perky trotted over to the shallow pool housing Stumpy and Krilly, who were both looking at the pig wide-eyed and inquisitively.
"Oink"; said Perky, in greeting.

--- --- ---​

The prizes in Fernando’s trophy cabinet glinted in the early, Northern Hemisphere sunlight...

Now that Fernando had solved two riddles, gaining two prizes to boot, what does it all mean? Will there be another riddle and, if so, when will it arrive? Stay tuned..!​
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Deep inside NASA’s Mars Rover Control Center, things were quiet. Howard was sat at his control station, eyes fixed on the little monitor which was showing live images beamed back to Earth from Opportunity’s video camera. He concentrated as he scanned the crater in front of Opportunity. Nothing was moving out there, it was all just red rocks and dust.

And then something caught Howard’s eye. He zoomed in the camera to a spot at the base of a small rocky structure, approximately ½ a mile away. There. Was that movement? Howard looked away from the screen and looked around him, left and right. There was no-one at the Mars Rover Center paying him the slightest bit of attention. He put his right hand on the Rover’s control joystick and moved it forward. The Rover on Mars lurched into forward motion. At approximately walking pace… “This is going to take awhile”; he thought.
Slowly, the Rover made its way towards the rocky structure.
“I’m sure I saw movement”; thought Howard. "Let’s just hope Opportunity gets there before I miss anything..."

--- --- ---​

07:30 hours, 8 February 2013. ?

Fernando had arrived at Jerez anticipating a great reception. No doubt 'Felipe Thing' would have done an OK job, but the real testing would be done now that Fernando was here!

But no! Not only was there no great reception, there was no reception at all..!! By anyone, what-so-ever! There was nobody here. Not just F1 people, but ANYONE!
In fact when Fernando thought about it, he couldn’t remember seeing anyone on the roads since he had left Maranello... "I mean, I like quiet roads with no-one in my way, but this is weird"; thought Fernando.

There should at least be some people here, as the first test is here until today, the 8th February. But the place is deserted.

Fernando sat down, took off his right shoe and sock, chose a toe-nail (the little toe, if you’re interested to know) and started chewing, as he usually did when he was worried about something.
"When I said that I wouldn’t be at the first test, that was just a cover story! I really wanted to be at Jerez"; he thought, sadly... :disappointed:

--- --- ---​

What Fernando didn’t realise, was that he was out of synch with the present. Out of phase, if you like. Ever since he had come into possession of the bronze pig statue, Fernando was out of step with the rest of the universe. This is a bit of a pickle to be in..!

Perhaps the pig statue, in combination with the golden egg & egg-cup, had thrown Fernando out of time normality. What Fernando needed now was some-one to help him. Possibly some-one who knew about time; like his time travelling mother, Cameron Diaz, perhaps. :thinking:

--- --- ---​

Howard was sweating. Opportunity had taken sooo long to get to the rocky structure, but now it was there. And what a sight! This was definitely worth the wait. Whatever had caused the movement which had alerted Howard had long since gone, but it had left behind something amazing. It had left behind a message!!


Astonished, Howard sat in a daze for a moment or two then he grabbed a pen and paper from a drawer and scribbled down the message. Putting the paper in his pocket, he set about work deleting the message from the Martian landscape. Opportunity was sent back and forth some 50 times on the one sport near the rocky structure. When he was done, not one word was left in evidence, just a mass of crossing rover wheel tracks. Howard then packed away his work things and left the NASA MARS Rover Center, trying to look as casual as he normally did (which didn’t mean a lot, as everyone thought he looked like a knob anyway!)

--- --- --- ---​

So, will Howard solve the next riddle and deliver the item to Fernando’s apartment in Maranello? Will it help Fernando, trapped in time in Jerez?

You’ll have to stay tuned..!
The "Out of Phase" Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

1800 hours 12 February 2013 ?

Fernando was hungry. Not only was there no-one about at all, but more importantly there was no-one to sell him something to eat!

"What can have happened to everyone"; he thought. "It’s been about 4 days since I last saw some-one and that was on the Cayman Islands!"

Fernando turned around and was about to go and look for a suitable place to bed down for the night, when approximately 100 yards away there was an apparition of a Formula 1 car! Fernando just stood still, blinking to try to clear his vision. After a few moments, once he realised the car wasn’t going to disappear, Fernando slowly moved forward to get a better look it...

It appeared to be a Red Bull, but not exactly right. He looked a bit closer and realised part of the car was morphing into something. A few moments later and part of the rear had formed into a bird. Not just any bird, but a Phoenix, no, a Falcon!
"Wow, the Maltese Falcon!" exclaimed Fernando.
And with that, the apparition disappeared, leaving Fernando looking all around trying to catch sight of the Falcon...

"Maybe the Maltese Falcon is not so easily tied down to one car as previously thought"; he mused. "Melted down, but it can rise again, like the Phoenix from the flames. The Falcon from the forge!"

Fernando sat down to think.

--- --- --- ---​

So, it's down to Howard to try to bring Fernando back from the "out of time" track that is Jerez. Will his efforts enable Fernando to come back in tune with the present? And, if so, will Fernando be able to make sense of the vision he saw?

Stay tuned!
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

The wind was blowing ferociously. The little beetle peeked his horned head out from under the rock that he was sheltering under, wincing as the bitterly cold draft seemed to find every gap in his armour, no matter how small. Finally, the wind seemed to lessen slightly, so the beetle quickly scrambled out from under the rock and scampered the short distance to what appeared to be a cave.
"Should be nice and sheltered in here, out of that blasted wind"; thought the beetle.

Whilst he sniffed around the strange floor, he found a nice tasty bit of food, so he settled down to munch his way through it.
"There’s loads of it here! What a stroke of luck"; he thought.

He was so busy indulging on the first bit of food he’d had in ages that he failed to notice how the world lurched around violently. The beetle’s strong grip on the floor kept him from lurching about like the rest of the world…

--- --- ---​

Howard had finally managed to free himself from the confounded parachute which had allowed him to safely land on the South Sandwich Islands. Well, it was Bristol Island to be more precise. He picked up his rucksack, opened it and rummaged through the contents, looking for his half eaten sandwich. When Howard lifted the sandwich out of the bag, he failed to notice that there was a little beetle looking disgruntled at losing his prize find of food. While Howard resumed eating his sandwich, the beetle started looking for anything else to eat in Howard’s rucksack.

As Howard ate his sandwich, he thought about the journey he had undertaken. The message written in the Martian landscape had been a riddle.

A package made from bits otherwise not used
Encased with the conduit via which unused bits leave
Sometimes cooked, sometimes smoked, sometimes aged, sometimes cured
More ways I am enjoyed than you would believe.

Luckily though, as it was a rubbish riddle, he had immediately realised that the answer was "sausage". The rest of the message had told him to look in the South Sandwich Islands and here he was on Bristol Island, on the next stage of his extensive search of each of the islands that make up South Sandwich Islands. Finishing his sandwich, which happened to be sausage, Howard walked off intending to start searching. Unbelievably, he looked down and saw what he was looking for! Someone had obviously dropped it, but why they’d brought here in the first place was beyond him. Howard picked up the item, opened his rucksack and placed the item inside. Closing the rucksack, Howard took his mobile from his pocket and called the pilot of the helicopter from which he’d parachuted down. His search of South Sandwich Islands was over...

--- --- ---​

Arriving in Maranello, Howard climbed the stairs to Fernando’s room. Someone had kindly left the door to his room unlocked,so Howard entered and went straight to Fernando's trophy cabinet, warily giving a little pig a wide berth.
"Oink"; said perky in greeting.
"Oink, oink"; said Howard, smiling. He'd always liked pigs...

Opening his rucksack, Howard placed the new item next to the two already in the cabinet, not noticing the little beetle that dropped out of his rucksack and onto the floor. The beetle scurried across the floor and hid under the sofa, as Howard left Fernando's apartment, pleased with a job well done. He hoped to hear from Fernando or Cameron Diaz, so he'd know if he'd done everything right...

--- --- ---​

As the sunlight hit the trophy cabinet, which now contained three special prizes...

sausage trophy.jpeg

__________________ Egg ________________________Bacon___________________________Sausage

...something magical seemed to be happening. Not sure how to say this, but...

--- --- ---​

0900 hours, 18 February 2013

Fernando had gone to sleep the night before alone in Jerez. He now awoke looking at about six or seven worried faces.

Fernando leapt up and raced to his car. Realising he was now back in synch with the rest of the universe, Fernando was determined that nothing was going to stop him from being at the second pre-season test. The first of the two test sessions at Barcelona...
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Fernando arrived back at Maranello, exhausted. He threw his bags down and promptly threw himself down on the sofa.
"I'll get myself something to eat from the fridge in a moment"; he thought.
Fernando slouched back further and closed his eyes, dreaming of the glory to come in the coming 2013 F1 season. He had just reached the point where he had bested Vettel once again, when he was rudely interrupted by a scratching noise...

Scratch, scratch, scratch...

It sounded like it was coming from underneath him. Fernando got up, knelt down and looked under the sofa.

Scratch, scratch, scratch...

There was a little beetle scratching on something under the sofa. Fernando watched it for a moment, wondering where it had come from...

A knock came at the door.

...perhaps it was a scrap of food it had found...


... maybe

“Hang on”; Fernando thought, “the last time that I watched a beetle in my room and heard knocking at my door, there was no-one there. But when I looked around... (Click here for a reminder)

Fernando sprang up and moved quickly to the door. Upon opening the door, he was greeted by the sight of...
..no-one! The corridor was empty. He closed the door and turned around. And there she was! His mother, Cameron Diaz!!

--- --- ---​

"Mumsy"; Fernando said in amazement. "Are beetle’s now your calling card?"
"No time to explain, just be quiet and listen"; Cameron replied. "The new item in your trophy cabinet was found by an ally. His name is Howard Hollowitz. The items you now possess have a certain magical aura about them, but it may not be enough. Yet."

Fernando looked at his cabinet for the first time since he got back and spied the sausage trophy, wonderingly.

"There are further items for you to find when you have time, and with those you may be able to combat the One Car".
"But mumsy, I saw an apparition at Jerez. It was the Falcon"; Fernando said excitedly.
"That was just an image of what might come to pass. In order for that to happen, a number of events need to occur. In the meantime, you need to concentrate on the real world. Be good at the final test in Barcelona and recovering the Maltese Falcon will be a step closer. But only a step"; said Cameron.
"Okay Mumsy, I’ll try my best."
"Good. And there will be new message left for you, which you should read once I’ve left".
“Okay mumsy”; Fernando said, looking away for a moment. “This beetle thing”
"C’mon Fernando, do I look like the beetle type?" said Cameron, sounding distant.
Fernando looked back at his Mother but she was gone!
"Bugger"; thought Fernando. He looked under the sofa and was not surprised to find that the Beetle was no longer to be seen.

On the sofa was a folded piece of paper. Fernando picked it up and unfolded it. On it were written a few lines of text.

Hash Browns.JPG
"The next riddle"; thought Fernando. "Look for this item when I have time, she said. Be good at the next test at Barcelona, she said. Okay then. One step at a time."

Fernando went to the trophy cabinet and inspected the sausage trophy. When he picked it up, he noticed a business card underneath it.

Howard Card.JPG

An ally, Mumsy had said… Interesting…

--- --- ---​

And Fernando's journey continues. But not until he has a spare moment. He has the next message to work out, but according to his mother, he also needs put in a good shift in a Ferrari at Barcelona. So, Fernando tries to put the latest riddle to the back of his mind and concentrate on the third and final test session this weekend.

Will he succeed in being single minded and concentrate at Barcelona? What are all these items that he has been accumulating? And what are they suppose to do? Who is this "Howard" bloke? And are the beetles significant?

Too many questions and not enough answers! If you stay tuned, will you get any? ..answers, that is! :unsure:

Stay tuned!
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....
Fernando was sat on his sofa, back in Maranello, absent mindedly scratching behind the ear of Stumpy, who was spread across Fernando's lap. At least, Fernando assumed it was behind Stumpy's ear, but then Fernando had no idea where a Japanese Spider Crab's ears were! And as stumpy wasn't complaining, Fernando scratched away anyway, all the while thinking about F1, riddles, what to do with his animals whilst he was away and about life in general...​
"I did reasonably well at Barcelona, coming second"; thought Fernando.​
"All the riddles so far, taken together, have all been about items found in an English fried breakfast.... hmmm, I like fried breakfast"; he muses. "I'll wager that the latest riddle follows that theme. Can mean a mistake - make a hash of it? Happens under the sun - Tan? Some people go red, at least the English do, but I turn brown. Hash-browns! They're part of the breakfast! Hash-browns".​
Fernando must have been excited at this point as he intensified his scratching of Stumpy's "ear". Stumpy shifted uncomfortably. Fernando eased back on his scratching slightly.​
"When I have a spare moment, I need to think about the location of this next item, but there's the opening F1 race coming up"; he continues to scratch. Stumpy is beginning to drop off to sleep.​
"Whilst I'm away, travelling to races, maybe this Howard Hollowitz bloke can look after the animals. Stumpy, Krilly and Perky would enjoy the company"; Fernando is starting to formulate a plan...​
"But with the news about the Mars Rover, Curiosity, I hope Howard is available"; Fernando thinks, worriedly. "Life in general is so complicated..."​
--- --- ---​
So Fernando has worked out what the next item is, but now needs to find it. But when will he have the time? Maybe Howard Hollowitz can help? Will Fernando be able to contact him and convince him to help once again? One thing Fernando needn't worry about is the Mars Rover. Howard works on the rover 'Opportunity' and has nothing to do with the rover 'Curiosity'. But then Fernando doesn't know that, so lets allow him to worry a little.​
... Stumpy let himself drift off into oblivion as Fernando scratched, content with life as one of Fernando pets, ever confident that Fernando would protect him from the alien mind which had controlled him back on the beach in Japan...​
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

As it bobbed up and down in the Mogadishu harbour, the Somali pirate sat on the deck of the newly captured ship, mulling over the recent events which had seen his “crew” taking over this splendid vessel. Even though this pirate was a mere boy, he liked to think of himself as the head of the rabble that called it self القواتالصوماليةمشعرالذكاء.
The fact that this translates to “Somali Hirsute Intelligence Troop” in English and what the acronym means, might not be the best thing to point out…

Ghedi, his given name at birth, adjusted his tricorne slightly and checked his eye-patch hadn’t slipped. Okay, he didn’t need the eye-patch, as both his eyes were perfectly fine, but after reading treasure island at his friends house whilst preparing to join in with the troop, he felt he should at least put in the effort of looking like a pirate. Of course, no one else did. And they mocked Ghedi for looking the part!! All the others looked like normal Somali people and he looked like a pirate, so Ghedi should be the leader of the troop!

The look on the Westerners faces when Ghedi had climbed aboard, ready to shoot them! They had all jumped over-board quickly enough! Of course, maybe it was the gun and not the eye-patch which scared them, but...

Right at that moment, the harbour erupted close by and sent Ghedi sprawling on the deck as the wake made the boat lurch violently. Because he was desperately trying to stop himself from falling off the boat, he didn’t see the object which had caused this violent disturbance to the harbour water...

--- --- ---​

The object in question was in fact a Red Bull submarine. Now it was surfaced, the submarine seemed to be preparing for something. A hatch opened, just at the bottom of the conning tower.

“Preparing for Maltese Falcon Delivery Missile”; the announcement echoed throughout the submarine.

On the submarine's control deck...

“We’re not sending the car by missile, are we?”; asked Christian, worriedly.
“No"; came the reply. "Just the Falcon diffuser. Assembly to be done in situ. It’s quite remarkable how the engineers can attach things to the….”

A missile emerged from the sub, exiting through the open hatch and blasted off into the sky. Presumably on the shortish journey across the Indian Ocean to Australia…

--- --- ---​

Once the missile lands in the Australian outback, Red Bull Aborigine sympathisers will be able to deliver the falcon to Red Bull engineers. Once fitted, will the falcon make the One car unbeatable again..?

And will Fernando and Ferrari be able to compete? Maybe all those riddles mean something...

Stay tuned..!
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....
Looking around it, the creature was disgusted. The substance it found itself in, “water” the elders called it, was putrid. Bits, floating about. Urgh!​
The creature found an outlet, which appeared to be less dark than elsewhere.​
“Lighter than the rest, so must be worth exploring”; it thought, so the creature set off through the outlet. Up, if the concept of “up” meant anything to it. But if didn’t, so “along” went the creature.​
Before long, less dark became positively light. And then the creature saw what looked like a barrier, across an opening into bright light. A light brighter than it had seen so far… Except that it was a barrier for something much larger than it. Bars of something crossing the opening, which meant to keep big things in. Or maybe, big things out!!​
Suddenly, the creature was less sure of itself. It kept still for a long while, keeping its eyes peeled for any movement. But there was none.​
After what seemed like an age, the creature crept very slowly toward the barred opening and slipped through the bars.​
--- --- ---​

“Washing up was such a chore!! All this crap on the plates and dishes, you’d think they hadn’t even bothered trying”; thought Davros, as he washed up the troops dishes.​
“Sometimes I wish I’d taken my brother’s offer”.​
Just then, two things happened. One of which went unnoticed by Davros.​
Davros was washing up in a ‘twin-bowl’ sink. One was filled with washing-up water, the other was empty. Except, now a small creature popped its head through the sink-hole! Naturally, Davros was alarmed that a creature, no matter how small, could creep out of a British army bases’ sink hole, but this allowed something more sinister to go unnoticed.​
Behind Davros, at about the same time that the small creature showed itself, a shadowy figure moved quickly from the kitchen door to the rather ornate cabinet in the far corner.​
Davros slammed his washing-up brush down on the small creature in the twin-bowl, but he missed. The creature moved more quickly than expected. It darted across the bowl and up/out across the counter. Before, Davros could do anything; the creature was out of sight amongst the jars of coffee and sugar which were next to the kettle…​
“You’ll be kebab meat if I catch you!”: shouted Davros to the creature…​
--- --- ---​

Fernando smiled to himself. He was crouched behind a kitchen cabinet. Krilly appeared above him on the counter and Fernando caught him as he threw himself down.​
“You did a grand job, Krilly”; whispered Fernando, gently cuddling the small creature.​
Krilly was thrilled…​
--- --- ---​

Back in Maranello, Fernando was pleased with the recent excursion in Cyprus. Not only had he managed to bag the next item, but Krilly had done something that not every Krill could do. And he’d been a distraction to that washing-up bloke while Fernando had nicked the next trophy! Krilly, you diamond!​
The riddle:​
Can mean a mistake, possibly chopped up.
This happens under the sun, or in a sun-bed shop.
Meaning: “Hash Browns”
Look for this item at Akrotiri and Dhekelia

Meaning: the British army base on Cyprus!​
It just took a little research to find out that the Brits had a “Hash Brown” trophy on Cyrus, and Bob’s your uncle’s Aunt. Job well done!! Thanks to Krilly…​
--- --- ---​

Proudly, Fernando placed the latest trophy in his trophy cabinet. Four trophies! Marvellous…​
sausage trophy.jpeg
Hash Browns Trophy.JPG
The Hash Brown Trophy sat comfortably next to the sausage trophy, resplendent and unabashed at being out of place. Who said it had to look like a hash brown..?
--- --- ---​

Fernando sat on his sofa, contemplating the events of the last few days.​
"The One Car didn't do so well at Melbourne"; he thought.​
"Happy that I found the next item"; he mused.​
"Krilly was superb in helping distract the bloke on Cyprus"; he was enthused.​
Oh, and yeah,​
"Where the hell did Felipe Massa find that pace! I thought he was the 'Thing'..!" :o
--- --- ---​
On the edge of their shallow pool, Krilly kept his friends captive in his telling of his adventure in Cyprus and how pleased Fernando was with him. Stumpy and Perky were captivated whilst Krilly narrated the story of his escape from the evil washer-up of Akrotiri and Dhekalia. Wide eyed, they soon looked on krilly in a new light...​
--- --- ---​

Well, the One Car which is the Red Bull of Milton Keynes appears bowed, but it is no doubt not out. Will the latest trophy help Fernando in vanquishing his foe? Is Felipe Massa beyond his "Thing" phase at last and will he now also be a threat? When, if at all, will the next riddle appear? And will Fernando EVER find the Maltese Falcon..?​
You'll need to stay tuned...​
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Somewhere in the Indian Ocean, namely Nelson Island.

Olive shuffled up the beach ponderously, thanking the Great Reptile that it was night time.
“This would be a bloody disaster if the big golden disc in the sky was up”; thought Olive.
She continued to haul herself along, using her paddle-like forelimbs to drag her bulk forwards until she stopped next to a small crab, which eyed Olive suspiciously.
Olive had paused to catch her breath. Dragging this great big shell about on land was no laughing matter. She then noticed the crab, looking at her intently.
“What’re you looking at?” Olive demanded.
The crab didn’t say anything, as it didn’t understand.
As the crab just continued to stare without saying anything, Olive ignored it and continued to haul herself toward her intended destination. That destination was a bit of sand which to you and I, would look like any other on this beach, but to Olive, it was just the spot she needed to dig her nest.
Destination reached, Olive proceeded to use her forelimbs to shovel sand behind her, thus digging a hole in the sand...

--- --- ---​

Christian Horner was livid! Why did we have to send it by a missile! Bloody stupid idea.
“I told them it was risky”; thought Christian.
He paced up and down the workshop in his small house on Pitcairn Island, trying not to think about the search now going on in the Indian Ocean.
“The farcical search for the Maltese Falcon, which should not have been necessary!”; Christian said out loud. Exasperation making his voice sound strangled.
Christian picked up the radio mic and clicked the ‘talk’ button.
“Just be methodical and thorough. And don’t rush!”; he said.
Roger that”; came the reply.
“They better find it”; thought Christian, worriedly...

--- --- ---​

Olive had dug a big enough hole and was now laying her eggs in it, as is the way with sea turtles. Once she’d laid her eggs, she proceeded to fill in the hole with sand, without turning around to look at the eggs.

If she had, she would have seen that some of the eggs had broken open, as they had fallen onto a metallic object that had been mostly buried in the sand. A cylindrical object with lettering. If turtles could read, Olive would have seen the words “Red Bull” and “Diffuser”. As it was, Olive just continued to bury her eggs, and in the process, she also buried the crashed Red Bull missile which contained the Maltese Falcon.

When she was done, Olive started on the return journey down the beach, towards the Indian Ocean...

--- --- ---​

The small crab had been watching Olive lay her eggs and he’d seen the metallic cylinder that she’d also unwittingly buried. He may not have understood Olive, as he didn’t understand Turtle language, but he knew what he’d seen. It was an object, about which some-one may pay handsomely for information about. Handsomely in plankton. And the small crab thought he knew who that some-one was.

The small crab scurried off up the beach in the opposite direction to Olive, looking for that certain some-one...

--- --- ---​

Will the Red Bull search of the Indian Ocean locate the now missing Maltese Falcon, before this weekend's race? Does the One Car, driven by Vettel, actually need the Maltese Falcon to be successful? Or is it all in Christian's mind? And who will the small crab tell about his information regarding the crashed missile?? Will he get his plankton..?

Who knows...?! :dunno:
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Outside the airport terminal the rain beat down incessantly. Rivers of water ran down from the door to the road gutter.
Fernando pressed his nose against the window pane, trying not to breath so as not to mist up his view.
"Bloody Koala Lumpa! I'll be glad to see the back of this hole"; thinks Fernando.

If things had turned out differently, his mood would be so much better, but they hadn't... Okay, so one could blame the team for mistaking a broken front wing for a flexing front wing (not that Ferrari had a flexing front wing, of course;)), but Fernando always knew that the Ferrari team took mistakes as a team. No blame to the individual...

"Vettel* appears to be in hot water re: his team, but..."


Fernando's thoughts were interrupted by an announcement on the airport tannoy.
Fernando got up, collected his luggage and made his way to Terminal 4....

* rhymes with hell
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

The aeroplane landed at Diego Garcia on schedule. Only one passenger disembarked, unboarded, got off, deplaned… Okay, 'got off' sounds about right...

Contrary to reports in the British redtops, this was not a rendition flight from Afghanistan, refuelling, on its way to Cuba. Not that there were any journalists to witness the sorry looking figure that “got off” the plane. But if there had, they would have seen Fernando Alonso slink off quietly, trying to keep a low profile.

Fresh from his nightmare race at Koala Lumpy, Fernando was seeking some down time and Diego Garcia looked like just the place, with its nice beaches and coconut trees. Plus… well, there may not be a ‘plus’. It was just that Fernando needed to get away…

--- --- ---​

The little crab, which on Nelson Island had witnessed the Red Bull missile burial, surfaced on the west side of Diego Garcia. Being a little crab, it didn’t rate sea travel much. The currents were always trying to sweep it in the direction it didn’t want to go! Never in the right direction! Always the wrong one..! Anyway, it was here and had a creature to meet about plankton.

Off it scurried, up the beach…

--- --- ---​
Christian sat in his workshop on Pitcairn, quietly reviewing the quite amazing race from last weekend. Not only had Red Bull won, but they’d won comfortably. And without the Maltese Falcon diffuser! Sure, Mark was upset, but Seb had won!

However, without the Falcon diffuser, Seb had needed to fight for the win. This was quite unacceptable. The missile which was carrying the diffuser MUST be found!
“Bloody technicians with their bright ideas”; said Christian. “Well, they can bloody well put their expertise into finding the bloody thing!”

Picking up the radio transmitter microphone, Christian began giving out orders, to facilitate the recovery of the Maltese Falcon, forthwith…

--- --- ---​

Fernando had found just the spot. Diego Garcia didn’t have hotels, as such. More like places where one could pitch a tent, without annoying anyone. Luckily, Fernando’s luggage contained a tent. The perfect spot was right next to a beach.
“Splendid”; said Fernando and after pitching his tent, he promptly sat down and relaxed.
A little crab scurried past.
“I wonder where that little fellow’s going?”; thought Fernando, before looking out past the white sanded beach to the perfect sea beyond…

This was just the place to have a think.
“A think about where things are going in my F1 season…”; Fernando is thinking…

--- --- ---​

As it passed a bloke outside a tent, the little crab found the creature it was looking for. At the base of a coconut tree was a large Coconut crab. They are the largest… crustaceans, you’re likely to see! Certainly the largest that this little crab had seen! And it was itself a crustacean.

Tentatively, the little crab approached the large crab and ventured its information. It then asked for its plankton reward. (Any sensible small crab would do it this way, when faced with such a large Coconut crab. Not stupid, you know..?)

Being a kind creature, the huge Coconut crab told the little crab of a place where lots of plankton congregate and then the large crab sauntered off.

Pleased with its reward, the little crab scurried back down the beach towards the sea…

--- --- ---​

The large Coconut crab tried to think how to attract the alien mind. The alien mind which had taken it over and controlled it, so long ago.
“The alien mind will know what to do with this information supplied by the little crab”; thought the coconut crab. "But how do I attract the mind back..?"

----- ----- ----- ----- -----​
Okay, will Fernando work out where his F1 season is going? Will Red Bull locate the missing Falcon missile? And do they need it? Will the Coconut crab attract the alien mind and divulge its information about the Falcon missile? What is this alien mind, taking over crabs?

So many questions! You'd think the longer this goes on, there would be fewer questions. Wouldn't you..?
Well, if you're still interested and you can take any more questions, then stay tuned..!
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

In Maranello, Krilly awoke with a start.

From his customary perch (a pebble submerged by about an inch) at the edge of the shallow pool he shared with Stumpy, Krilly looked around for the cause of his rude awakening.

At first there appeared to be nothing wrong. No immediate cause for concern. Krilly had just begun to relax again, when he caught sight of Stumpy. He was splayed out in the centre of their shallow pool, his legs twitching slightly.

“Stumpy..?”; said Krilly, questioningly.

Stumpy didn’t respond. He just kept on twitching...

--- --- ---​

On Diego Garcia, the Large Coconut Crab was stationary at the base of his favourite coconut tree. To a casual observer, he looked like he had just paused for a rest. But, in reality the large crab was in a trance. His beady eyes were turned up and his fat legs had started to twitch...

--- --- ---​

Fernando was sat in his Beijing Hotel room, looking out of the window. It was a nice modern hotel, nice room and it was a nice sunny day... Well, it was all just nice. Personally, Fernando would have preferred one of those traditional Chinese hotel/house; made of paper. But he supposed this modern type hotel was for the best.

Any time now, the call would come through for him to attend all the pre-race hullabaloo and …

Fernando’s hotel room telephone trilled into life.

“Y’ello”; Fernando said, upon picking up the receiver...

--- --- ---​

Howard Hollowitz was bored. Most of the Mars Rover personnel had been given time off until May, due to the red planet being on the wrong side of the sun. Both Curiosity AND Opportunity had been turned off during this time. Mars Blackout.

Howard’s cell phone rang. The opening orchestral part of “The Eve of the War”, the first track of The War of the Worlds, thundered the announcement that someone was calling on his phone.
“’sup?”; answered Howard.
“Yeh sure, I got time. What can I do for you, Cameron?”

---- ---- ---- ----​
To find out what any of all this means, you'll have to stay tuned after this weekend's race in China. :thinking:
Oh, and then if any of it makes any sense, could you explain it to me, as I seem to be out of the loop. Thanks! :embarrassed:
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Christian was sat on the edge of his seat. He had always thought that it was just a figure of speech for when it was a tense moment, but Christian was literally sat on the edge of his seat whilst he listened to his radio, as it relayed the ongoing search for the Maltese Falcon.

The report stated it was buried in a Sea Turtle nest; said the voice of the search leader.
But which one? There are literally hundreds of nests on the British Indian Ocean Territories; was the reply from one of the search teams.
The message on the Crab vine said it would be a nest on Nelsons Island. Just dig up every bloody nest, if necessary; said the leader, impatiently.
The conservationists won’t be happy about that!
Screw them. Just do it!

Christian almost leapt up to shout through the radio mic, but he restrained himself.
“Better to let them get on with it”; he thought.

We’ve found it! We’ve got the missile! About to look inside it now; came the voice of the search party on Nelsons Island.

Christian fell off his chair.

As he got up and resumed sitting on the seat edge, he could hardly listen with the excitement.

It’s empty!! The missile is empty! The Falcon is not, repeat, NOT in the missile!

Christian again fell off his chair. He just sat there on the floor as he listened to the search team on Nelsons Island. They had indeed found the Red Bull missile, but it was empty. The missile had been buried in a Sea Turtle nest, but the Maltese Falcon was not in the missile!

Christian just sat there on the floor of his workshop on Pitcairn Island and stared into distance with a blank/vacant expression. The sort of look of someone with no hope left...

--- --- ---​

Fernando looked out the aeroplane window. The plane was taxiing to the runway at Beijing Airport. In a few hours, Fernando would be in Bahrain.

“Hopefully, my luck will continue and I’ll win the next Grand Prix in Bahrain, just like I did in China”; he thinks. “Maybe the One Car of Milton Keynes is losing its magic! Perhaps I’m so good that not even the Maltese Falcon is enough for Vettel”.

---- ---- ---- ----​

Will Fernando realise that Red Bull are no longer in possession of the Maltese Falcon? Perhaps he will then resume looking for it, before Christian Horner pulls himself together and Red Bull put their full resources into finding it. With the Falcon missing, is the One Car of Vettel still a threat, or is there a different threat that Fernando should keep an eye on? A threat that could be nullified by Fernando finding the Maltese Falcon himself?

With all this excitement, you'll need to stay tuned, for sure..!
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Fernando was in two minds. On the one hand, he was close to his home country. Gibraltar was as close to his home without even being there!

On the other hand, Fernando may as well have been in another country! The culture was completely different.

As Fernando relaxed on his sun-bed, a newt sunbathed at the side of the swimming pool.

Fernando was happy to be back in Iberia, but could one be happy “that Gibraltar was British”? Well, at least Fernando could! Fernando had always liked everything British..!

Fernando relaxed, trying to forget the less than brilliant result of the last Grand Prix.

--- --- --- ---​
Meanwhile, on Pitcairn Island...

Christian was incandescent!

"How could we lose such an important part! Just as well Seb is still winning races”; he thought.

Sighting a memo from Marko on the desk in front of him that read; “Sebastian or Mark?”, Christian realised that he needed to assert his authority in the team.

"We need the Falcon, if only to reassert Seb's prominence"; Christian thought.

--- --- ---​

Fernando sat up as a waitress brought him an alcohol free cocktail. Only in a British Territory could such a convoluted waste of a sentence as that be uttered, but they tasted nice! And there was a Grand Prix in about a week…

Having woken up, the newt crept along the tiled edge of the swimming pool and stopped abruptly. A few millimetres in front of her was a bluebottle fly. The newt licked her lips.
“Lunch”; she thought.

--- --- --- ---​

In the hotel room of Fernando Alonso, on the rather old, softly sprung mattress, on top of the rather sad 1970's style duvet cover, was a note.

A note that had been placed there whilst Fernando was out 'sunbathing'.

It read;

A room that cannot be entered, as a room cannot be seen.
Round on top, sometimes conical. Magic colours, it must have been.
Grown in earth or on trees.
Both can be fun, guy are these!
Look for me here, in Gibraltar.
---- ---- ---- ---- ----​

Is this another riddle? And after so long?

Exciting. isn't it? :popcorn:
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Howard awoke from a deep slumber… “What made me wake”; Howard thought. He opened his eyes slightly and viewed his bedroom from the slanted view from his pillow.​
Nothing seemed out of order. His clothes were all strewn across the floor as he’d left them undressing on the way to bed, his stereo stack was still there on the shelf, his TV was sat lifeless in the corner, the door to his bedroom was still closed, his laptop was on - with a message on the screen, his peace-lily plant was still in it’s place (flowering), the half eaten cheese & tomato sandwich was still sat on the plate where he’d left it, perhaps it was his mobile which had beeped… hang on, his laptop was on! With a message on the screen!​
Howard quickly threw back the bed-covers and moved across the room to his laptop. The computer was indeed on and there was a Word document opened. On it was a message.​

Howard was astounded!​
He sat back and collected his thoughts.​
“How did this get on my laptop?”, “Who wrote it?”,”How do they know my name?”​
As his thoughts were not collecting coherently and because he was on holiday for 2 weeks, Howard decided that this was worth following up. And also because he was familiar with the practices/occurrences associated with Fernando Alonso! Or, more precisely, his Mother!​
--- --- ---​

Howard looked out across the frozen landscape and wondered what the **** he was doing here!​
The journey across the ice, from the sea to the base, had been horrific! Howard was knackered! But, whatever the hardship, he was here. And “here” was the British base in Antarctica.​
Somehow, the base was expecting him. No names were mentioned, but Howard suspected Cameron Diaz.​
As much as Howard appreciated the friendly welcome, he normally preferred to know the friends first…​
--- --- ---​

The corridor had started out in the warm base, but the further it went on, the colder it became.​
It had been explained that to save power, some of the outer extremes of the base were unheated, but Howard hadn’t really paid much attention…​
Ice had begun to encase the walls. Like a giant freezer. Howard thought about licking a wall with his tongue, but thought better of it… He continued up the frozen corridor.​
Before long, Howard came to the extreme limits of the base. At this time of year, one couldn’t travel too close to the outside, because it was too bloody cold! I mean, bloody freezing! It was for this reason that the time limit on Howard’s visit to Antarctica was days, rather than weeks.​
Upon reaching a particular junction, Howard realised he could venture no further. He was about to turn about and head back, but then he saw something frozen into the wall…​
…It was a note.​
Shiny red, sometimes yellow,
Could be sharp, some prefer mellow.
Occasionally cooked, all mushy and without skin,
Mostly raw, but not bound for the bin.
If you can, find me in the Antarctica base!
Howard inspected the note and found he could just about read it. He took out a pen & paper and jotted down the message.​
“I need a beer”; Howard thought.​
He then headed back to the unfrozen part of the base…​
--- --- ---​
Can Fernando race his socks off in Spain, can Howard Hollowitz brace himself for the icy cold of Antarctica?​
Will Fernando and Howard both find out what their respective riddles mean?​
If so, there are two riddles to be solved, as-well as a race to be won…​
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....

Howard was sat in the canteen area, all alone at his table whilst he waited for his contact. A day or two ago, he’d been feeling quite at home here at the base. But now, he was feeling paranoid.


At first, all was quiet. Howard would keep himself to himself, pottering about the base, looking for the answer to the riddle. But then, he’d noticed a few of the base personnel looking at him suspiciously!
Probably wondering what a Yank was doing here, in a British base”; he’d thought.
But Howard quickly began to suspect it was more than that…

And then the note had been slipped under his door. Howard had been reading a book in his room, when a slip of paper had been slipped under the door. He’d quickly leapt to open the door to see who had delivered the slip of paper, but the corridor was empty…
Howard had shut the door again and inspected the piece of paper, which was indeed a note.

“Meet me in the canteen tomorrow”; it had read. “Sit at a table, alone!”


And so here was Howard, sat in the canteen at a table, alone. He began to perspire, worrying about where this was leading…

--- --- --- ---​

People began to enter the canteen. Lots of people. Howard tried to look casual, checking out as many people as he could for his likely contact. It was while he was checking out a suspicious looking dude with a quiff and large facial growth that he failed to notice the attractive young lady, until she was sat across the table from him!
“Hello”; the young lady purred. “You must be the American we’re not allowed to talk about.”

Howard smiled at her. He was about to say something, when…
“My name is Lieutenant Mugs”; the young lady continued. “But you may call me Coffey.”
“Coffey Mugs? Why..?”; Howard left the question open.
“Now, now. That would be telling.”
Looking around worriedly, Howard felt awkward in saying; “I’m sorry miss, but I’m waiting for some-one.”
“And you mean that I’m not the one..?”
“Err, no I didn’t mean that…”
Howard was stammering.
“It’s Okay, don’t panic.” Smiling, she continued “let’s go to somewhere private and we can talk about the note I slipped under your door”……..

--- --- --- ---​

Howard and Coffey were in Howard’s room. Howard couldn’t believe his luck.
Imagine. I’m in the Antarctic and I’m with a gorgeous girl! Well I never...”; he thought.

“Before you get the wrong idea, I’m here strictly on business”; Coffey said. “You want the Tomato Trophy and I’m here to supply it!”

Howard was taken aback. Here strictly on business! Tomato trophy?
His face must have been a picture…

“You are aware that you were looking for a Tomato trophy, aren’t you?” asked Coffey.
“… Err, yes! I… Yes I did, was, am!” Howard smiled, trying to think.
“Yes, of course you are”; Coffey thought, looking a bit perplexed. “Well, here in my handbag is the trophy, so I’ll give it to you and we’ll speak of this to no-one!”

Howard nodded, dumbfounded, as Coffey took from her handbag a trophy and handed it to Howard.
She then turned to leave.

As she was opening the door, Howard said; “Coffey.”

Coffey turned and looked at Howard.

“Would you like to stay and have a drink with me?”
“I can’t. I’m sorry”; Coffey replied softly.

She was about to turn to the door again, when Howard asked; “Why are you called Coffey?”
Coffey opened the door and said; “Let’s leave that until next time.”

Howard watched as the girl that was now in his dreams, left…

--- --- --- ---​

Upon arriving at Fernando’s apartment in Maranello, Howard was again astounded that Fernando’s door was unlocked.
People must be really trusting, here”; thought Howard.

Dodging the excitable little pig, which was oinking at him continuously, Howard approached the trophy cabinet and took out the Tomato trophy. As he placed it next to the other trophies, Howard’s thought about the girl that would forever be in his dreams. The mysterious British girl, a lieutenant named ‘Coffey’.

--- --- --- --- ---​

When Howard left the apartment, Fernando’s trophy cabinet shone with five trophies…

sausage trophy.jpeg

Hash Browns Trophy.JPG
Will Fernando do well at the Spanish GP? And will he also do so well at solving his own riddle?

Does it matter?

Stay tuned….
The continuing Extraneous Adventures of Fernando Alonso....
Fernando tried to look relaxed. The trouble was it was only a few days after a fantastic race-win in his home country. His phone hadn’t stopped ringing. And most of the time it was Luca! Why couldn’t Luca call Felipe for a change..? Finally, Fernando had resorted to the act of turning his phone off. He would face the inevitable tirade of continued congratulatory praise when he was less busy!

Fernando surveyed the scene in front of him.

He was in a corridor on the second floor of The Rock Hotel on Gibraltar. There were numerous doors. One elevator door, but most of the doors accessed guest rooms. The hotel corridor was carpeted with a covering of a curious design, which could best be described as putrid!
“Who-ever had designed this carpet had probably spent too long on the sauce”; thought Fernando.
There were small tables at regular intervals, spaced so that each table was approximately half way between each door. On every table was a small plant.
“They look plastic”; he thought.

Some distance along the corridor, the elevator doors opened and…no-one stepped out into the corridor.
Fernando stood watching for a few seconds. Still no-one emerged and the elevator doors didn’t close.

Fernando had been told by his Mother to meet someone that could help with the latest riddle on the second floor of this hotel. He’d been here for an hour and no-one had even walked past him, let alone the man he was supposed to meet. He was beginning to get a bit cheesed off!

Fernando walked along the corridor toward the elevator, meaning to give the occupant a piece of his mind for keeping him waiting for so long. As he approached it, his angle of sight allowed Fernando to gradually see more of the interior of the elevator.
The first thing he saw was a shoe. No, it was a shod foot, as there was also a sock... Then, trousers…

As he drew level with the elevator, Fernando was aghast at seeing a dead body! He ran to the corpse and checked for a pulse…
… and there was one!! Relieved, he felt again and the pulse was strong. Fernando made sure the fellow was in the recovery position and was about to leave (he couldn’t be caught up in some-one else’s problems right now). Then he noticed the note in the man’s jacket pocket.

Reluctantly, Fernando slapped the fellow a few times around the chops. Slowly, the man regained consciousness.
“Urggghnnn… What happened..?”
“How are you feeling? Are you Okay?”; asked Fernando.
“Fernando? Yes, I’m Okay”; said the man. “I must have blanked out for a second. Most peculiar!”
Fernando quickly scanned the man for signs of injury, but he appeared unmarked.
“Fernando, I have a note for you, here in my jacket pocket”; the man said and gave Fernando the note.

The note read;
“You are a winner! To claim your prize, just take this ticket to reception.”

--- --- --- ---​

After helping the fellow to his feet, Fernando travelled with the man to main reception on the ground floor. As Fernando approached the reception desk attendant, he was feeling exhilarated. Two wins within a week!
“I’ve been given this ticket by this nice fellow and I’d like to claim my prize, please”; said Fernando to the receptionist.
Upon taking the ticket, the receptionist asked of Fernando; “What fellow..?”
Fernando half turned and was about to say “this fellow”, but there was no-one there! Fernando looked around the reception area, especially to the exit doors, but the fellow was not to be seen.
Fernando turned back to the receptionist and smiled weakly.
The receptionist wasn’t paying him much attention, as she was busily handing Fernando his prize. The prize turned out to be the very item that he’d been looking for. The item described in the latest riddle! A mushroom trophy!

Fernando stood at the reception desk and gazed at his latest trophy...

"Sort of looks like a ghost..! In shock!"; thought Fernando.

--- --- --- ---​

As you probably guessed, the answer to Fernando's riddle was "mushroom"! But who was the unconscious man in the elevator? Why did he pass out in the elevator? And once in reception, where did he disappear to? Maybe he was a ghost! Perhaps Fernando's mother knows the answers to these questions...

You'll need to stay tooned! :unsure: Er.. tuned! :embarrassed:
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