In my world all drivers would be weighed 30 mins before the start of each session, the weight of the heaviest would be the benchmark then every driver would have to eat as many pork pies as it takes to make their weight up to the benchmark by 10 mins before lights out. There would be no qualifying, the fastest driver to meet the weight would be given 2nd place on the grid. Toileting between weighing and lights out would not be allowed. There would be no arguments about where ballast was placed, underweight drivers would start from the pits with a time delay based on their gap to benchmark weight.
Fuck off Ecclestone et al, that's a proper solution.