Formula One's Great Grand Variety Show 2011

(the lights dim and spotlights flow around the stage)

Announcer: Please welcome to the stage the stars of this years F1 grid

(all the drivers run on in pairs to thunderous applause)

Annoucer: ....and please welcome your host Sebassstttiian Vetttteeeel!

(Sebastian runs on to the stage in front of the line up of drivers)

SV: Hey! Has anyone seen any of the other F1 drivers?

Audience: There behind you!

SV: Aren't they always? RINGADINGDING! (shows off the finger). Ladies and Gentlemen I'd like to welcome you to the first annual F1 Variety Show! and without further delay lets kick off the show with a musical number from the 3 Nic's!

(Audience applaudes loudly as all the drivers run off stage and the lights are dimmed)

(3 Spotlights appear on 3 drivers on stage and an oompah tune starts to play)

NH: Mr Heidfeld is what they call me
I've finished Grand Prix by the score
and as soon as I sue Renault
then I hope to drive in more
I've had podiums, I've had points
I've had tyres that have burst
but I've never ever ever crossed the line first!

NHU: Hulkenberg's my title
Why don't you give me a go?
I scored a pole for Williams
But was replaced by Maldonado
I know Rubens, I know Schumie
I hang out with Paul Di Resta
But I'll never win a thing if I'm only a Tester

NR: They call me Master Rosberg
I'm Finnish German born
I thought I'd become a winner
by hanging out with Ross Brawn
My dad was a world champion
and I thought I do the same
but I'll never win anything with this stupid name.

ALL: Because theres only one Nik who has ever won a Grand Prix!
He used to own an airline and work for Ferrari!
He spent his career at the front
But please don't mention that James Hunt
Because theres only one Nik who has ever won a Grand Prix

NR: I might have a car to win next year
if Mercedes open up their purse
NH: Yes but knowing your luck
It'll be Schumie who comes first
NHU: I won GP2
I got myself some fame
ALL: But you'll never win anything with that first name

(A podium starts rising up from the middle of the stage with Niki Lauda on the top)

ALL: Because theres only one Nik who has ever won a Grand Prix
He uesed to own an airline and work for Ferrari
He spent his career at the front
But please don't mention that James Hunt
Because theres only ever one Nik
Only ever one Nik
Only ever one Nik who has won a Grand Prix
NL: Thats Me!

(wild applause)

(...Vettel returns to the stage)

SV: Germany's finest bunch of losers there opening out show! Just like in the race they're at the front of the order to start with and you'll have forgotten about them when it comes to the end! RINGADINGDING!

(Audience laughs)

SV: .....which leads me on very neatly to our next act. It gives me great pleasure to present many of the stars of F1 starring in a very special production of "Trulli Towers"

*Fawlty Towers Into music plays*

(Opens with Jarno Trulli and Heiki Kovalinan standing behind hotel reception desk working)

HK: try and find time to put that moose's head on the wall Jarno.
JT: Yes.
HK: It's been sitting there for two weeks Basil. I don't know why you bought it.
JT: Toro Rosso wanted rid of it and It will give the place a certain ambiance, it has a touch of style about it.
HK: It has a touch of 'midfield' about it.
JT: That is not so.
HK It's Swiss Jarno, it's nasty.
JT: It is not nasty, it's superb.
HK: I am not going to argue with you, just get it up out of the way I don't want it losing anymore wheels around the place.
JT: Yes Heiki
HK: Anyway I'm off the Finnish Grand Prix winners annual meeting now so try not break anything when I've gone

(Heiki exits)

(Jarno walks out from beind desk just as Jamie Alguersauri walks through carrying trays)

JT: Theres no butter on those trays
JA: Ci?
JT: (slowly) there is no butter on those trays
JA: no no Mr Trulli - its a Uno, Dos, Tress
JT (smacks face with hand) I knew I should have kept Pedro De La Rosa. look. this tray(points to tray), this where butter should be(points to empty plates), this smack on head (smacks Jamie round the head)

(JA runs back to the kitchen. Enter Karun Chandhok)

KC: Mr Trulli sir
JA: Yes what is it Karun?
KC: I just thought I'd make you aware that we have some of the staff from the Williams Team in for lunch today
JT: and?
KC: Well it appears they've never really got over BMW leaving them
JT: so?
KC: so its probably best not mention anything German
JT: Nothing German - ok.

(Karun exits and Jarno pulls out a step ladder, picks up a plaque with Sebastian Buemi's head on it and starts to hang it on the wall when the phone rings)

JT: Jamie!?!


JT: Karun!?!


JT: Right!! I'll do everything myself round here (puts down Buemi head, walks down stepladder), they can't even sort out the power steering.

JT: (Answers the phone) Yes. Trulli Towers, hello?

JT: I was just doing it, you stupid Finn!. I just put it down, to come here and be reminded by you to do what I'm already doin'. What is the point in reminding me to do what I'm already doing? What is the bloody point? I'm doing it aren't I?

JT: Yes, yes, I picked it up... Yes... No, no, I haven't had a chance yet... Yes, I will... Yes... No, I haven't yet, but I will... Yes, yes, yes, I know 21st isn't good enough... Yes, I'll try and get it cleared up... Anything else? I mean, would you like your grid slot moved to the left? hmm?

(slams down phone and goes back to fixing plaque to the wall. JA enters)

JT: Jamie get those menu's sorted now and keep practicing your english or I'll have you in a HRT next year

(finishes putting SB's head on the wall, stands back)

JT: a job well done - get those menu's sorted Alguersauri

(JT exits and JA ducks down under hotel desk to find menu's. In enters Rubens Barrichello walking very slowly and clearly a little drunk and looks at the Moose)

JA: How are you sir? You see, I speak English, well. I learned it from a Mr Trulli, the 2004 Monaco Grand Prix was the grestets race ever... Hello... I am English... Helloooo...
[Rubens thinks the moose is talking]

JA: How are you sir?... I can speak English.
[Rubens looks again at the moose, thinking the Moose is talking to him]

JA: Ah, hello, Mr Barrichello, how are you today?
[Rubens looks puzzling at the moose head]

RB: Well, buh, buh, buh, I-I-I'm fine, thank you.
JA: It's a beautiful day today.
RB: Is it? Yes, yes, I suppose it is.
JA: Yes, I can speak English... I learned it from a book.
RB: Did you? Did you really?

(Rubens wonders off)

RB: I'm getting too old for this

(Cut to dinning room with Frank Williams and Patrick head sitting look at Menu's. Jarno Enters and comes over to the table)

JT: good day to your sirs and may I say what a honour it is to have 2 stalwarts of the Formula One grid eating here
FW: Thank You
JT: And may I say I still think you're one of the best teams on the grid even if you haven't won a race since....
KC: (leans in and whispers) Don't mention germans!
JT:.....B M........B....M......errrrr BMBM Biscuits were in the shops
PH: well we've had problems with engine suppliers
JT: Have you? Can't say I've noticed. I've driven a lot of french engines and there not that reliable - not like those German made one's
FW: What?
JT: Nothing....ermmm would you like to order?
FW: 2 cups of Earl Grey Tea, 1 side of toast...
PH:.....and we'd both like the all day brekfast please but can I have mine with extra sausage
JT: ahhh good choice especially the sausage - they really are the best thing to come out of Germany - after there engines of course.
FW: G..Ger...German engines?
JT: ermmmm ....anyways....ok so that was 2 cups or Sutil, 1 side of Winklehoff and 2 all day Schumachers with extra Heidfeld?
(Frank Williams bursts in to tears)
JT: (turns to Patrick Head) Why is he crying?
PH: Because we're talking about Germans in F1!
JT: Well don't bloomin mention them then!
PH: You started it!
JT: No I didn't you signed Heinz Harald Frentzen!
(Frank Williams cries ever harder)
JT: Ok Ok - you like F1 how about one of my F1 impressions
(Jarnoalmost holds a finger up in the air)
KC: No, Mr. Trulli! Do Rob Smeadly instead!
JT: Rob Smeadly?
KC: Yeah, you know! "Try and Destroy his race Fellipe Baby"
JT: I can't do Rob Smeadly you stupid test driver!
KC: Oh, please try!
JT: Shut up!
(to Frank Williams)
JT: 'Ere watch, who's this then?
(He holds a finger in the air and does a crazy frog impression..........Frank Williams cries even more)
JT: OK, how about this one!
(JT does the Schumi leap on to table next to them)

(Patrick Head stands up and wheels Frank Williams towards the exit)

PH: We're not putting up with this!

(PH and FW exit)

JT: (looks at audience) There never going to get back to the front with that attitude

*exit music plays*
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