Cheddar Valley Racing - The Dream Continues

cider_and_toast

Exulted Lord High Moderator of the Apex
Staff Member
Premium Contributor
Cheddar Valley Racing – The Blog – Part the Third. “New Beginnings”

Ere Me ‘Ansomes

Wes ere, yep Wes Tonsupermare back with you all at last to bring you up to date on all the goings on ere at Cheddar Valley Racing.

As I’m writing this, once again ensconced in the snug at the Castle of Comfort inn down here in the sunny Mendip hills, pint of West Country fighting juice in one hand and pen firmly grasped in the other, I can’t help but reflect on the last couple of years. You will remember that it was just before Christmas with our new KERs system about to be launched, old Jack designing like there was no tomorrow and Ed and Ted sticking bits of car together like they were going out of fashion, when we last spoke to our fan base.
“What happened Wes?” I hear you ask, well it’s a good question and one that I hope to answer in the next few paragraphs.

In a word or two, not a great deal happened. We sent our car off to the FIA to be crash tested and when we didn’t hear anything after a couple of weeks I gave the boys over there in Paris a quick call. Apparently our car never made it over there for testing. It got lost in the post. I guess it serves us right for sending it second class during the Christmas rush but we were pretty miffed I can tell you. After a quick whip round in the pub to try and drum up funds to buy enough bits for a new car, it quickly became clear that we were in trouble.

Mrs Ed, our team chef, spanner thrower and all round women to be avoided when she’s in a bad mood, came to our rescue when she reminded me of an organisation called FOM who hide in a secret bunker in the middle of somewhere near nowhere. The mysterious leader of the FOM is said to help out little teams in distress in return for a few favours of his own. So, setting off up the motorway to the big city in my car with a barrel of finest West Country Rough on the back seat as an offering I went to seek out the chap they call Bernie.

That’s where things went wrong again for our fledgling outfit. When I arrived at the FOM bunker I found this short grey haired chap with glasses and a look of constant bewilderment on his face. I took him to be the doorman but he was stomping around like he owned the place. He told me I couldn’t come in unless I was a member. I told him that I was a West Country Member and he said, yes he did remember and that was why I couldn’t come in. Charming I thought, so I called him a jumped up little git and went home for a Shepard’s Pie and to call a team meeting.

Well, then we found out that Mr Mosley had retired, the jumped up doorman turned out to be a certain Mr B Ecclestone and our application to join FOTA had been rejected on the grounds that they’d never heard of us and that was that.

Well, I can tell you now, in an exclusive bit of news to our fans on Clip The Apex…..

CHEDDAR VALLEY RACING IS BACK………

Stay tuned for more cider based antics from the West Countries finest F1 team.
 

cider_and_toast

Exulted Lord High Moderator of the Apex
Staff Member
Premium Contributor
Ere Me Babbers.

Wes ere again to bring you another update on the progress of your favourite West Country Team, Cheddar Valley Racing. Since we last spoke we’ve been trying to improve the image of our little outfit in the hope that we can attract some more sponsorship and show the members of FOTA that we may be new kids on the block but we can play among the big boys.

We’ve got Mrs Ed to thank for the idea when she watched an episode of Top Gear featuring the legend that was Jean Alesi. What she realised is that our team could do with its own brand sponsor to push our name out there in the wild and dangerous world of big business. So the big question was, who should we approach for such a demanding job? Well, I dusted off my copy of “The 1992 Grand Prix year book” and low and behold but whose name should spring off the pages...... Perry McCarthy. A man named Perry, which for those of you who don’t know is a type of Pear Cider made from Perry Pears has to be the sort of bloke we’re after. Not only was he once the Stig on Top Gear but he also tested for Williams, Benetton and Footwork. He also spent a whole season in F1 driving for a little team called Andrea Moda. He seemed to have done a fantastic job for them as each race he took part in he either Didn’t Need Pre-Qualifying or Didn’t Need Qualifying. The 1992 review didn’t say where he finished but he must have been pretty good because he didn’t even attend all of the races. I’ve tried contacting Mr McCarthy on a number of occasions and so far we’ve only managed to get through to his agent who assures us that Perry is a very busy man and will give our interesting application some careful thought and will get back to us in due course.

On a more mechanical note, old Jack has begun work on the design of the CVR2-A which we hope to have up and running towards the end of the year. The car will incorporate several new design features never seen before on an F1 car including cup holders, an inbuilt entertainments system and indicators. There are several reasons for this:

The cup holders are designed to save weight. You will notice that a lot of teams have a complicated drinks bottle arrangement with little electronic motors and a button on the wheel to give the driver a drink on demand. Well we think that’s nonsense and adds unwanted weight to the car. What we will do is when our driver comes into the pits, pop a nice fresh cup of tea, white with two sugars, into the cup holder and off we go. Once the driver has finished his brew he just gives the cup the old heave ho, out of the cockpit and its jobs a good ‘un. No complicated and heavy drinks system but a simple and efficient way of providing sustenance to our driver.

Studies have shown that music can help people concentrate on the task at hand so in order to keep our drivers mind focused on the job we intend to have a full dolby surround sound stereo system in the car. We feel that the loss in added weight will be more than made up for by the added concentration of our driver. We will have the very latest LP’s loaded on to the system including “The finest Harvest of the Wurzels”, “The Very Best of Acker Bilk and his Paramount Jazz band” and “Shag Conners and the Carrot Crunchers play 10 Golden Greats”. That should be enough to last through even the longest of races.

Finally the indicators, now these serve a dual purpose, the first is due to the fact that we know we won’t be the quickest team out of the box we want to give our rivals the chance to pass us cleanly and therefore we can indicate which way side we want them to pass us. The second reason is that it can also be a bit of a ruse for example, when our driver screams up behind the rear wing of one of them young guns like Hamilton he can flip the left hand indicator on and make Hamilton believe he is going to pass him on the left when in actual fact when Hamilton moves over to cover he will find that he’s been tricked as our man sails by on the right. Clever eh?

So there you go m’ansomes. I can see dear old Mable, the landlady ‘ere at the Castle of Comfort on the way across the bar with my nice hot Sheppard’s Pie so that’s all for now folks. Keep drinking yer Zyder.

Regards

Wes
 
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