Schumm: your very own personal, in-house training facility...
1] Preparation: Ensure that all doors are closed and locked. This will allow your training to be done without any pressure (from someone walking into the room to watch), and allow you to get away with driving discrepancies, unpunished.
2] Initial car selection: Begin with the least powerful cars and see if you can slowly work your way up.
3] Car set-up: Ensure that all driver aids are switched on.
4] Familiarisation: Before racing, take your time to familiarise yourself with each circuit. To avoid early disappointment, this should be attempted without other cars on track. Roughly 100 laps should be sufficient for the average driver. However, be patient and do not expect too much of yourself. Set aside plenty of spare time in order to complete at least one lap without cheating.
5] Race selection: Try the 'EASY' mode with a low powered car, and all penalties set to 'OFF'. If you honestly completed point 4 (and remember: cheating is only kidding yourself and Ralf), you may eventually see an improvement. - Who knows, with continued practice you may one day get a podium!
6] Team selection: Make sure you select a red car. The high level of visibility will help allow other drivers to get out of your way, reducing the need for you to ram them off the circuit.
7] After eventual success, you may be tempted to try the difficult 'Race your Mates' mode. However, if and when you persuade Ralf to help, tie one hand behind his/her back before you begin. This will help you avoid disappointment and give you the enthusiasm to carry on for many years.
And if all else fails, you could try motorbikes...