Football 2014 FIFA World Cup
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TEABAG YOKEL’S ALTERNATIVE WORLD CUP PREVIEW
GROUP A
Team Name: BRAZIL
Nickname: Brazil always play an attractive brand of football but they have a pretty decent defence this year.
Manager: Big Basil Fawlty
Key Player: Neymar’s Tax Affairs
WC History: Keep Winning The Bloody Thing
National Sports: Football, Samba, Ayrton Senna
Likelihood of winning: Damn right!
Mascot: Pele
All time WC hero: Pele
All time WC villain: Paolo Rossi, that ban was two years you know!
Team Name: CAMEROON
Nickname: Undominatable Lions
Manager: Volker Finke. For now.
Key Player: Grandpa Samuel
WC History: Quarter-finalists in a laughably violent way in 1990
National Sports: Football, Eto’o worship
Likelihood of winning: None
Mascot: A real lion. Hopefully.
All time WC hero: Roger Milla.
All time WC villain: Gary Lineker. The thinking man’s Lex Luthor.
Team Name: CROATIA
Nickname: That lot who play in the picnic rug
Manager: One of the Kovacs
Key Player: Luka Modric, provided he’s not blown away in a slight gale
WC History: Davor Suker
National Sports: Hating Serbia
Likelihood of winning: Probably get through group
Mascot: The head of the OCD society
All time WC hero: Davor Suker
All time WC villain: They need to take a good hard look at themselves conceding twice to Lillian bloody Thuram
Team Name: MEXICO
Nickname: The team that thinks it is South American, but isn’t.
Manager: Miguel Herrera
Key Player: Chicharito
WC History: Last 16. Always.
National Sports: Masked wrestling, violence
Likelihood of winning: Cat in hell
Mascot: Doritos Mariachi band
All time WC hero: Unspellable first name Blanco
All time WC villain: That bloke who got them disqualified from the 1990 World Cup for some breach in the Olympics.
Group B
Team Name: AUSTRALIA
Nickname: Crikey, it’s the bloddy Socceroos.
Manager:
Key Player: Mile Jedinak.
WC History: Second round. Once.
National Sports: Anything they think they can beat England at.
Likelihood of winning: What? A game?
Mascot: Shane Warne, normally.
All time WC hero: Mark Schwarzer. Yep.
All time WC villain: Francesco Totti.
Team Name: SPAIN
Nickname: Pass.
Manager: Rene from ‘Allo ‘Allo
Key Player: Sergio Ramos’ disciplinary record
WC History: You won it last time, stop bragging
National Sports: Midfield possession
Likelihood of winning: Pretty good, I’d have thought. But, still, make it stop. Please!
Mascot: Fernando Torres
All time WC hero: Andres Iniesta
All time WC villain: Mauro Tesotti
Team Name: CHILE
Nickname: Is it Costa Rica or are these the good ones?
Manager: Marcelo Bielsa’s Clone Army – code JS01
Key Player: Alexis Sanchez’ heightened pain receptors
WC History: They did OK at home
National Sports: Evacuating trapped miners
Likelihood of winning: No chance
Mascot: They have two players from a club called O’Higgins, which I’m presuming is not a real club.
All time WC hero: Hugo Sanchez
All time WC villain: The person who stopped Battle of Santiagoesque shenanigans at World Cups.
Team Name: THE NETHERLANDS
Nickname: Talented side, but…
Manager: Drill Sergeant Van Gaal
Key Player: The Zombie Remains of Arjen Robben
WC History: Defeat!
National Sports: Super Party Fun Times!
Likelihood of winning: So long as they don’t fall out…
Mascot: Satsumas
All time WC hero: Johann Cruyff
All time WC villain: Assorted Germans
GROUP C
Team Name: COLOMBIA
Nickname: Cokea-Colo
Manager: One of those guys who used to be in charge of Argentina
Key Player: Fredy Guarin
WC History: Best not, eh?
National Sports: Cartels
Likelihood of winning: Dark Horses
Mascot: That bloke with the bird costume
All time WC hero: Carlos Valderrama’s magnificent afro
All time WC villain: The prick that shot Escobar.
Team Name: COTE D’IVOIRE
Nickname: Drogba. Oh, Yaya Toure as well. He’s good.
Manager: Sabri Lamouchi. But really Drogba.
Key Player: Yaya “Jogging Goliath” Toure
WC History: Tough draws, but AFCON chokers
National Sports: Choking at the AFCON
Likelihood of winning: They’d choke
Mascot: Gervinho
All time WC hero: Drogba
All time WC villain: Whoever did the draws.
Team Name: GREECE
Nickname: Did we mention Euro 2004?
Manager: Notto Rehagel
Key Player: Sokratis Papastathopoulos
WC History: Shit. Did we mention Euro 2004?
National Sports: Financial meltdown. Mentioning Euro 2004. Plate smashing
Likelihood of winning: Did we mention Euro 2004?
Mascot: Georgios Samaras
All time WC hero: None, but did we mention Euro 2004?
All time WC villain: Maradona’s dealer c.1994
Team Name: JAPAN
Nickname: Actually, they’re pretty good on the ball
Manager: Alberto Zaccharoni-san
Key Player: Shingi “Man U scapegoat” Kagawa
WC History: 2x Last 16s!
National Sports: Sumo, Godzilla.
Likelihood of winning: Ha ha!
Mascot: Someone in the stands will be dressed like a white thing, unidentifiable to anyone not from Japan
All time WC hero: Kaisuke Honda
All time WC villain: Umit Davala
GROUP D
Team Name: URUGUAY
Nickname: They’re a bit weak behind the front two, mind!
Manager: A poor stone statue depicting Clint Eastwood
Key Player: Mr. Bitey
WC History: 1930. 1950. Count them.
National Sports: Terms of endearment
Likelihood of winning: 1950.
Mascot: Luis Suarez’ orthodontist
All time WC hero: Ghiggia
All time WC villain: Pele, for taking the piss.
Team Name: COSTA RICA
Nickname: Are they there?
Manager: Jorge Pinto
Key Player: Joel Campbell. At least he’s still kind of young.
WC History: They beat Scotland once. Then again…
National Sports: Coffee?
Likelihood of winning: One point would be an achievement
Mascot: A bloke drinking 20 cups of Nescafé
All time WC hero: Juan Cayasso scored the winner against Scotland
All time WC villain: Dunno. Let’s say Paulo Wanchope, just to mention him.
Team Name: ITALY
Nickname: Catanaccio
Manager: Cesere Prandelli, representing hair gel
Key Player: Andrea Pirlo and/or his beard
WC History: Corruption and fascism coincide with winning
National Sports: Corruption, winning.
Likelihood of winning: Possible.
Mascot: The Mafia
All time WC hero: Paulo Rossi
All time WC villain: The 1966 squad who managed to get knocked out by North Korea. That’s more a punchline than a country.
Team Name: ENGLAND
Nickname: Those useless bastards / The champions-in-waiting (delete as appropriate this week)
Manager: A polite bank manager from the 1930s
Key Player: Daniel Sturridge. Oh yeah it is.
WC History: Won it once.
National Sports: Cricket. Queuing. Sedentary sports viz. snooker, darts, golf
Likelihood of winning: Same as ever
Mascot: Phil Jones’ facial expressions
All time WC hero: Pickles the dog
All time WC villain: Whoever invented the penalty shootout. Bastard!
GROUP E
Team Name: FRANCE
Nickname: The Accident-in-Waiting
Manager: Zidane’s Watercarrier
Key Player: Franck Ribery
WC History: Ronaldo had a fit once, the rest is history…
National Sports: Industrial action, Rugby, Wishing all the foreigners would lose the Tour de France for a change, even the British have started!
Likelihood of winning: Merdeish.
Mascot: No mascot could be selected as could destroy team spirit.
All time WC hero: Zinedine Zidane
All time WC villain: Zinedine Zidane
Team Name: ECUADOR
Nickname: Colombia, but with Antonio Valencia
Manager: Reinaldo Rueda
Key Player: Antonio Valencia
WC History: 2006 last 16, lost to England in the most turgid game imaginable
National Sports: Winning the game of altitude
Likelihood of winning: Altitude? No? Shit!
Mascot: A mountain.
All time WC hero: Agustin Delgado. I dunno, like Wanchope I just wanted to name-drop him.
All time WC villain: Sepp Blatter, for refusing to hold the World Cup at the top of Mount bloody Everest.
Team Name: HONDURAS
Nickname: Who?
Manager: Some guy named Suarez.
Key Player: Wilson Palacios, God help them!
WC History: Qualified a few times.
National Sports: Football.
Likelihood of winning: You must be kidding.
Mascot: Any player not as good as Wilson Palacios
All time WC hero: Spain, for not scoring more than 2 last time
All time WC villain: El Salvador. They had a bloody war over this!
Team Name: SWITZERLAND
Nickname: It is a big game, love, Switzerland were on, but I’ll miss it just for you.
Manager: Ottmar Hitzfeld. Oh, yeah!
Key Player: Xerdan Shaqiri.
WC History: Nil. Literally Nil.
National Sports: Ski Jumping? Federer?
Likelihood of winning: Philippe Senderos.
Mascot: Johan Djourou – getting the Arsenal fans in a rash already!
All time WC hero: Whoever was stupid enough to let them host in 1954
All time WC villain: Sepp Blatter, bringing the country into disrepute.
GROUP F
Team Name: ARGENTINA
Nickname: That knee in the back of your calf
Manager: Alejandro Sabella – who is half sane, so an improvement on last time
Key Player: No idea.
WC History: Won it twice, utilising fascism and Maradona
National Sports: Maradona
Likelihood of winning: Pretty damn good
Mascot: Franco di Santo. Really? Messi, Aguero, Lavezzi and di Santo. Christ…
All time WC hero: Maradona
All time WC villain: The referee from 1990
Team Name: BOSNIA-HERCEGOVINA
Nickname: No more war there, that’s nice!
Manager: Safet Susic
Key Player: Asmir Begovic. Let’s face it, Messi’ll keep him busy…
WC History: NONE
National Sports: Paralympic volleyball, apparently.
Likelihood of winning: None.
Mascot: Something nice, I’m sure.
All time WC hero: By the end of the Argentina game, Begovic.
All time WC villain: By the end of the Argentina game, Messi.
Team Name: IRAN
Nickname: If you’re watching at home and want to check out extra features, press the right red button, sir!
Manager: Carlos Queiroz. Yes, that Carlos Queiroz.
Key Player: Ashkan Dejagah (he’s got the moves)
WC History: Beat the hated American scum in 1998
National Sports: Wrestling!
Likelihood of winning: Same likelihood as the Ayatollah to appear on Celebrity Big Brother.
Mascot: The IAEA
All time WC hero: Medhi Mahdavikia
All time WC villain: Whichever American jackass tried to get them chucked out of 2006.
Team Name: NIGERIA
Nickname: The Kanu-free Super Eagles
Manager: Steven Keshi. Togo sacked him at about this juncture in 2006, though.
Key Player: Vincent Eneyama. Scored a pen in the Champions League. From goal.
WC History: A few last 16s, dog celebrations and Yakubu missing a sitter.
National Sports: Electing ridiculously named presidents.
Likelihood of winning: Goodluck, Jonathan.
Mascot: Shola Ameobi!? WHY?
All time WC hero: Rashidi Yekini
All time WC villain: Whoever designed the lime green shirts of 2002.
GROUP G
Team Name: Germany
Nickname: Semi-Finalists Germany
Manager: The 1960s tribute band lead singer Jogi Love
Key Player: Phil Lahm
WC History: Depressing
National Sports: Practicing Penalties
Likelihood of winning: Probably get to the semis
Mascot: Franz Beckenbauer
All time WC hero: Chris Waddle
All time WC villain: Frank Rijkaard
Team Name: GHANA
Nickname: The actually playing in White Stars
Manager: James Appiah.
Key Player: Prince Kevin
WC History: Keep beating the Americans
National Sports: Football
Likelihood of winning: What? Against America? Good.
Mascot: Marcel Desially, last time.
All time WC hero: Asamoah Gyan
All time WC villain: That toothy cheating Uruguayan…
Team Name: PORTUGAL
Nickname: 10 others
Manager: Paulo Bento. And he’s out for revenge, America
Key Player: HRH Cristiano Ronaldo
WC History: EUSEBIO!
National Sports: Futsal.
Likelihood of winning: Not likely, but not impossible.
Mascot: Officially licenced Cristiano Ronaldo merchandise, available now!
All time WC hero: EUSEBIO!
All time WC villain: Jack Charlton, handball off the line. Suarez-esque!
Team Name: TEAM AMERICA
Nickname: Eaglesoccer
Manager: Bellyflop Klinsmann
Key Player: I’d like to say someone younger than Donovan, but, well…
WC History: 1930 an early high point, beat England in 1950…
National Sports: A huge range of sports… Huge! Even soccer is in there =]
Likelihood of winning: Naw
Mascot: Sam the Eagle from the Muppets. (It’s the American way!)
All time WC hero: Rob Green
All time WC villain: Ghana. All of them.
GROUP H
Team Name: BELGIUM
Nickname: Where did all the good Belgian players come from?
Manager: Marc Wilmots
Key Player: Danger! Hazard warning!
WC History: 1986 semi-finalists…
National Sports: Making continental laws!
Likelihood of winning: Horse slightly darker than Colombia
Mascot: Marouane Fellaini’s magnificent afro
All time WC hero: Guy Thys
All time WC villain: Diego Maradona. He tore them several new ones.
Team Name: ALGERIA
Nickname: Horrible Flashbacks for England Fans!
Manager: Valid Halihodzic
Key Player: Sofiane Ferghouli. Although Tim Sherwood would say Nabil Bentaleb.
WC History: Shafted in Spain.
National Sports: Curses, according to various witch-doctors last time.
Likelihood of winning: Couldn’t even beat that load of merde from England.
Mascot: That bird that landed on the goal!
All time WC hero: England, 2010, for being shit.
All time WC villain: All them Teutonic cheats in Gijon.
I still haven’t got over it.
Team Name: GLORIOUS UNITED SOVIET PUTIN REPUBLICS
Nickname: Russia
Manager: Fabio Capello, good luck against Algeria mate!
Key Player: Alexander Anyukov
WC History: Glorious semi-final in 1966
National Sports: Ice hockey, annexing neighbouring countries
Likelihood of winning: Requires Mussolini-style interference
Mascot: Car insurance meerkats
All time WC hero: Lev Yashin
All time WC villain: Putin’s enemies
Team Name: SOUTH KOREA
Nickname: Phew, the sane, internetty Korea
Manager: Hong Young-Byo – winning penalty vs Spain in 2002!
Key Player: Son Heung-Min
WC History: 2002! 2002!
National Sports: Archery. Which will be handy.
Likelihood of winning: More likely to be invaded by men marching in tandem
Mascot: Psy. Oppa Gangnam Style.
All time WC hero: Guus Hiddink!
All time WC villain: Psy. Because I mentioned it, here…
GROUP A
Team Name: BRAZIL
Nickname: Brazil always play an attractive brand of football but they have a pretty decent defence this year.
Manager: Big Basil Fawlty
Key Player: Neymar’s Tax Affairs
WC History: Keep Winning The Bloody Thing
National Sports: Football, Samba, Ayrton Senna
Likelihood of winning: Damn right!
Mascot: Pele
All time WC hero: Pele
All time WC villain: Paolo Rossi, that ban was two years you know!
Team Name: CAMEROON
Nickname: Undominatable Lions
Manager: Volker Finke. For now.
Key Player: Grandpa Samuel
WC History: Quarter-finalists in a laughably violent way in 1990
National Sports: Football, Eto’o worship
Likelihood of winning: None
Mascot: A real lion. Hopefully.
All time WC hero: Roger Milla.
All time WC villain: Gary Lineker. The thinking man’s Lex Luthor.
Team Name: CROATIA
Nickname: That lot who play in the picnic rug
Manager: One of the Kovacs
Key Player: Luka Modric, provided he’s not blown away in a slight gale
WC History: Davor Suker
National Sports: Hating Serbia
Likelihood of winning: Probably get through group
Mascot: The head of the OCD society
All time WC hero: Davor Suker
All time WC villain: They need to take a good hard look at themselves conceding twice to Lillian bloody Thuram
Team Name: MEXICO
Nickname: The team that thinks it is South American, but isn’t.
Manager: Miguel Herrera
Key Player: Chicharito
WC History: Last 16. Always.
National Sports: Masked wrestling, violence
Likelihood of winning: Cat in hell
Mascot: Doritos Mariachi band
All time WC hero: Unspellable first name Blanco
All time WC villain: That bloke who got them disqualified from the 1990 World Cup for some breach in the Olympics.
Group B
Team Name: AUSTRALIA
Nickname: Crikey, it’s the bloddy Socceroos.
Manager:
Key Player: Mile Jedinak.
WC History: Second round. Once.
National Sports: Anything they think they can beat England at.
Likelihood of winning: What? A game?
Mascot: Shane Warne, normally.
All time WC hero: Mark Schwarzer. Yep.
All time WC villain: Francesco Totti.
Team Name: SPAIN
Nickname: Pass.
Manager: Rene from ‘Allo ‘Allo
Key Player: Sergio Ramos’ disciplinary record
WC History: You won it last time, stop bragging
National Sports: Midfield possession
Likelihood of winning: Pretty good, I’d have thought. But, still, make it stop. Please!
Mascot: Fernando Torres
All time WC hero: Andres Iniesta
All time WC villain: Mauro Tesotti
Team Name: CHILE
Nickname: Is it Costa Rica or are these the good ones?
Manager: Marcelo Bielsa’s Clone Army – code JS01
Key Player: Alexis Sanchez’ heightened pain receptors
WC History: They did OK at home
National Sports: Evacuating trapped miners
Likelihood of winning: No chance
Mascot: They have two players from a club called O’Higgins, which I’m presuming is not a real club.
All time WC hero: Hugo Sanchez
All time WC villain: The person who stopped Battle of Santiagoesque shenanigans at World Cups.
Team Name: THE NETHERLANDS
Nickname: Talented side, but…
Manager: Drill Sergeant Van Gaal
Key Player: The Zombie Remains of Arjen Robben
WC History: Defeat!
National Sports: Super Party Fun Times!
Likelihood of winning: So long as they don’t fall out…
Mascot: Satsumas
All time WC hero: Johann Cruyff
All time WC villain: Assorted Germans
GROUP C
Team Name: COLOMBIA
Nickname: Cokea-Colo
Manager: One of those guys who used to be in charge of Argentina
Key Player: Fredy Guarin
WC History: Best not, eh?
National Sports: Cartels
Likelihood of winning: Dark Horses
Mascot: That bloke with the bird costume
All time WC hero: Carlos Valderrama’s magnificent afro
All time WC villain: The prick that shot Escobar.
Team Name: COTE D’IVOIRE
Nickname: Drogba. Oh, Yaya Toure as well. He’s good.
Manager: Sabri Lamouchi. But really Drogba.
Key Player: Yaya “Jogging Goliath” Toure
WC History: Tough draws, but AFCON chokers
National Sports: Choking at the AFCON
Likelihood of winning: They’d choke
Mascot: Gervinho
All time WC hero: Drogba
All time WC villain: Whoever did the draws.
Team Name: GREECE
Nickname: Did we mention Euro 2004?
Manager: Notto Rehagel
Key Player: Sokratis Papastathopoulos
WC History: Shit. Did we mention Euro 2004?
National Sports: Financial meltdown. Mentioning Euro 2004. Plate smashing
Likelihood of winning: Did we mention Euro 2004?
Mascot: Georgios Samaras
All time WC hero: None, but did we mention Euro 2004?
All time WC villain: Maradona’s dealer c.1994
Team Name: JAPAN
Nickname: Actually, they’re pretty good on the ball
Manager: Alberto Zaccharoni-san
Key Player: Shingi “Man U scapegoat” Kagawa
WC History: 2x Last 16s!
National Sports: Sumo, Godzilla.
Likelihood of winning: Ha ha!
Mascot: Someone in the stands will be dressed like a white thing, unidentifiable to anyone not from Japan
All time WC hero: Kaisuke Honda
All time WC villain: Umit Davala
GROUP D
Team Name: URUGUAY
Nickname: They’re a bit weak behind the front two, mind!
Manager: A poor stone statue depicting Clint Eastwood
Key Player: Mr. Bitey
WC History: 1930. 1950. Count them.
National Sports: Terms of endearment
Likelihood of winning: 1950.
Mascot: Luis Suarez’ orthodontist
All time WC hero: Ghiggia
All time WC villain: Pele, for taking the piss.
Team Name: COSTA RICA
Nickname: Are they there?
Manager: Jorge Pinto
Key Player: Joel Campbell. At least he’s still kind of young.
WC History: They beat Scotland once. Then again…
National Sports: Coffee?
Likelihood of winning: One point would be an achievement
Mascot: A bloke drinking 20 cups of Nescafé
All time WC hero: Juan Cayasso scored the winner against Scotland
All time WC villain: Dunno. Let’s say Paulo Wanchope, just to mention him.
Team Name: ITALY
Nickname: Catanaccio
Manager: Cesere Prandelli, representing hair gel
Key Player: Andrea Pirlo and/or his beard
WC History: Corruption and fascism coincide with winning
National Sports: Corruption, winning.
Likelihood of winning: Possible.
Mascot: The Mafia
All time WC hero: Paulo Rossi
All time WC villain: The 1966 squad who managed to get knocked out by North Korea. That’s more a punchline than a country.
Team Name: ENGLAND
Nickname: Those useless bastards / The champions-in-waiting (delete as appropriate this week)
Manager: A polite bank manager from the 1930s
Key Player: Daniel Sturridge. Oh yeah it is.
WC History: Won it once.
National Sports: Cricket. Queuing. Sedentary sports viz. snooker, darts, golf
Likelihood of winning: Same as ever
Mascot: Phil Jones’ facial expressions
All time WC hero: Pickles the dog
All time WC villain: Whoever invented the penalty shootout. Bastard!
GROUP E
Team Name: FRANCE
Nickname: The Accident-in-Waiting
Manager: Zidane’s Watercarrier
Key Player: Franck Ribery
WC History: Ronaldo had a fit once, the rest is history…
National Sports: Industrial action, Rugby, Wishing all the foreigners would lose the Tour de France for a change, even the British have started!
Likelihood of winning: Merdeish.
Mascot: No mascot could be selected as could destroy team spirit.
All time WC hero: Zinedine Zidane
All time WC villain: Zinedine Zidane
Team Name: ECUADOR
Nickname: Colombia, but with Antonio Valencia
Manager: Reinaldo Rueda
Key Player: Antonio Valencia
WC History: 2006 last 16, lost to England in the most turgid game imaginable
National Sports: Winning the game of altitude
Likelihood of winning: Altitude? No? Shit!
Mascot: A mountain.
All time WC hero: Agustin Delgado. I dunno, like Wanchope I just wanted to name-drop him.
All time WC villain: Sepp Blatter, for refusing to hold the World Cup at the top of Mount bloody Everest.
Team Name: HONDURAS
Nickname: Who?
Manager: Some guy named Suarez.
Key Player: Wilson Palacios, God help them!
WC History: Qualified a few times.
National Sports: Football.
Likelihood of winning: You must be kidding.
Mascot: Any player not as good as Wilson Palacios
All time WC hero: Spain, for not scoring more than 2 last time
All time WC villain: El Salvador. They had a bloody war over this!
Team Name: SWITZERLAND
Nickname: It is a big game, love, Switzerland were on, but I’ll miss it just for you.
Manager: Ottmar Hitzfeld. Oh, yeah!
Key Player: Xerdan Shaqiri.
WC History: Nil. Literally Nil.
National Sports: Ski Jumping? Federer?
Likelihood of winning: Philippe Senderos.
Mascot: Johan Djourou – getting the Arsenal fans in a rash already!
All time WC hero: Whoever was stupid enough to let them host in 1954
All time WC villain: Sepp Blatter, bringing the country into disrepute.
GROUP F
Team Name: ARGENTINA
Nickname: That knee in the back of your calf
Manager: Alejandro Sabella – who is half sane, so an improvement on last time
Key Player: No idea.
WC History: Won it twice, utilising fascism and Maradona
National Sports: Maradona
Likelihood of winning: Pretty damn good
Mascot: Franco di Santo. Really? Messi, Aguero, Lavezzi and di Santo. Christ…
All time WC hero: Maradona
All time WC villain: The referee from 1990
Team Name: BOSNIA-HERCEGOVINA
Nickname: No more war there, that’s nice!
Manager: Safet Susic
Key Player: Asmir Begovic. Let’s face it, Messi’ll keep him busy…
WC History: NONE
National Sports: Paralympic volleyball, apparently.
Likelihood of winning: None.
Mascot: Something nice, I’m sure.
All time WC hero: By the end of the Argentina game, Begovic.
All time WC villain: By the end of the Argentina game, Messi.
Team Name: IRAN
Nickname: If you’re watching at home and want to check out extra features, press the right red button, sir!
Manager: Carlos Queiroz. Yes, that Carlos Queiroz.
Key Player: Ashkan Dejagah (he’s got the moves)
WC History: Beat the hated American scum in 1998
National Sports: Wrestling!
Likelihood of winning: Same likelihood as the Ayatollah to appear on Celebrity Big Brother.
Mascot: The IAEA
All time WC hero: Medhi Mahdavikia
All time WC villain: Whichever American jackass tried to get them chucked out of 2006.
Team Name: NIGERIA
Nickname: The Kanu-free Super Eagles
Manager: Steven Keshi. Togo sacked him at about this juncture in 2006, though.
Key Player: Vincent Eneyama. Scored a pen in the Champions League. From goal.
WC History: A few last 16s, dog celebrations and Yakubu missing a sitter.
National Sports: Electing ridiculously named presidents.
Likelihood of winning: Goodluck, Jonathan.
Mascot: Shola Ameobi!? WHY?
All time WC hero: Rashidi Yekini
All time WC villain: Whoever designed the lime green shirts of 2002.
GROUP G
Team Name: Germany
Nickname: Semi-Finalists Germany
Manager: The 1960s tribute band lead singer Jogi Love
Key Player: Phil Lahm
WC History: Depressing
National Sports: Practicing Penalties
Likelihood of winning: Probably get to the semis
Mascot: Franz Beckenbauer
All time WC hero: Chris Waddle
All time WC villain: Frank Rijkaard
Team Name: GHANA
Nickname: The actually playing in White Stars
Manager: James Appiah.
Key Player: Prince Kevin
WC History: Keep beating the Americans
National Sports: Football
Likelihood of winning: What? Against America? Good.
Mascot: Marcel Desially, last time.
All time WC hero: Asamoah Gyan
All time WC villain: That toothy cheating Uruguayan…
Team Name: PORTUGAL
Nickname: 10 others
Manager: Paulo Bento. And he’s out for revenge, America
Key Player: HRH Cristiano Ronaldo
WC History: EUSEBIO!
National Sports: Futsal.
Likelihood of winning: Not likely, but not impossible.
Mascot: Officially licenced Cristiano Ronaldo merchandise, available now!
All time WC hero: EUSEBIO!
All time WC villain: Jack Charlton, handball off the line. Suarez-esque!
Team Name: TEAM AMERICA
Nickname: Eaglesoccer
Manager: Bellyflop Klinsmann
Key Player: I’d like to say someone younger than Donovan, but, well…
WC History: 1930 an early high point, beat England in 1950…
National Sports: A huge range of sports… Huge! Even soccer is in there =]
Likelihood of winning: Naw
Mascot: Sam the Eagle from the Muppets. (It’s the American way!)
All time WC hero: Rob Green
All time WC villain: Ghana. All of them.
GROUP H
Team Name: BELGIUM
Nickname: Where did all the good Belgian players come from?
Manager: Marc Wilmots
Key Player: Danger! Hazard warning!
WC History: 1986 semi-finalists…
National Sports: Making continental laws!
Likelihood of winning: Horse slightly darker than Colombia
Mascot: Marouane Fellaini’s magnificent afro
All time WC hero: Guy Thys
All time WC villain: Diego Maradona. He tore them several new ones.
Team Name: ALGERIA
Nickname: Horrible Flashbacks for England Fans!
Manager: Valid Halihodzic
Key Player: Sofiane Ferghouli. Although Tim Sherwood would say Nabil Bentaleb.
WC History: Shafted in Spain.
National Sports: Curses, according to various witch-doctors last time.
Likelihood of winning: Couldn’t even beat that load of merde from England.
Mascot: That bird that landed on the goal!
All time WC hero: England, 2010, for being shit.
All time WC villain: All them Teutonic cheats in Gijon.
I still haven’t got over it.
Team Name: GLORIOUS UNITED SOVIET PUTIN REPUBLICS
Nickname: Russia
Manager: Fabio Capello, good luck against Algeria mate!
Key Player: Alexander Anyukov
WC History: Glorious semi-final in 1966
National Sports: Ice hockey, annexing neighbouring countries
Likelihood of winning: Requires Mussolini-style interference
Mascot: Car insurance meerkats
All time WC hero: Lev Yashin
All time WC villain: Putin’s enemies
Team Name: SOUTH KOREA
Nickname: Phew, the sane, internetty Korea
Manager: Hong Young-Byo – winning penalty vs Spain in 2002!
Key Player: Son Heung-Min
WC History: 2002! 2002!
National Sports: Archery. Which will be handy.
Likelihood of winning: More likely to be invaded by men marching in tandem
Mascot: Psy. Oppa Gangnam Style.
All time WC hero: Guus Hiddink!
All time WC villain: Psy. Because I mentioned it, here…
soccerman17
Race Winner
teabagyokel O'Higgins is named after Bernardo O'Higgins Riquelme, one of the founding fathers of Chile. How on Earth he managed to get that name is a mystery to me.
Very disappointed that the USA's mascot is neither Cobi Jones nor Alexei Lalas. Here they are together in the MLS All-Star Game (what a joke idea).
Very disappointed that the USA's mascot is neither Cobi Jones nor Alexei Lalas. Here they are together in the MLS All-Star Game (what a joke idea).
teabagyokel I have shared with my team at work.
You are now single handedly responsible for a complete absence of productivity in the office.
You are now single handedly responsible for a complete absence of productivity in the office.
Olivier
Race Winner
Very nicely done teabagyokel just a minor comment: Chile's all time WC hero cannot be Hugo Sanchez, he's Mexican! Maybe Leonel Sanchez? Elias Figeroa would work as well. Keep up the good work!
Okay hands up who wants to be the Colombian goalkeeper..
soccerman17
Race Winner
Rene Higuita?
Andrés Escobar
Costa Rica are at 4000/1 (Even Max Chilton gets better odds than that.) to win the world cup I believe they are in group D with England I reckon with a bit of luck England just might win that match...
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Could be irrelevant.
I thought F1 was supposed to be boring and riddled with weather delays. What a shower of shit that game was.
Hodgson says he knows his starting line-up for the World Cup, and you'd have thought that shower last night would make him re-think.
I wish we had a better right back than Glen Johnson he was sloppy against both Peru and Honduras (I missed the Ecuador game), definitely the weak link IMO.
My starting 11 would be...
Hart
Baines
Jagielka
Cahill
Johnson
Gerrard
Henderson
Lallana
Sterling
Rooney
Sturridge
Subs:
Oxlade-Chamberlain
Barkley
Welbeck
My starting 11 would be...
Hart
Baines
Jagielka
Cahill
Johnson
Gerrard
Henderson
Lallana
Sterling
Rooney
Sturridge
Subs:
Oxlade-Chamberlain
Barkley
Welbeck
If England play like they did last night then they will have no chance of getting out of there group.
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