FIFA WORLD CUP TEAM-BY-TEAM REVIEW 2014
32. Cameroon
They scored. Well done them! They also got battered twice, once causing a range of match-fixing allegations, and can thank the linesman for keeping the score down in the other game. But they did get in their usual brainless sending off!
31. Honduras
Well, there has to be some space in football for a team based solely on the principle that the 1970s were refereed really well, and all you need to do is kick your opponents. Wore the same colours as Leeds United, too!
30. Australia
To say they did well despite winning nothing suggests expectations were not too high. Played very well in defeat to the Netherlands, and Tim Cahill scored an absolute ripper in that game. And not with his head.
29. Japan
Should do better, really, given that they played with 10 men against Greece for an hour. I suppose Greece are amongst the best bus parkers, but still, that being their only non-defeat is quite embarrassing.
28. Iran
I can tell you right now that it was a penalty for Dejagah. Should have beaten Argentina.
27. Korea
Sort of a throwback to when they were always a little shit, really, being 3-0 down to Algeria is the kind of situation that doesn't bode well for continued participation.
26. England
It didn't look too bad for a while in defeat to Italy, but England's coaching staff as always snuffed out any signs of invention, flair or talent by the Uruguay game, in time for Steven Gerrard to continue his habit of providing through balls to opposition attackers.
25. Ghana
They did draw with Germany, but lost to the rest of the Group of Death. Played exciting football, and expelled a player from the tournament for punching a member of the Football Association, which frankly is what we should expect from all teams eliminated with one point.
24. Russia
Russia's endless disappointing nights are becoming more frequent than the nights where they blow everyone away. Euro 2008 DVDs, anyone? Capello hates Algeria.
23. Spain
It was one hell of a challenge for a defending Champion to go out in a more listless, pathetic and embarrassing way than France in 2002 or Italy in 2010. Mission Accomplished.
22. Italy
Well, they beat England, and at no point bit any opponents. So there's positives. Other than that, they were a little bit rubbish.
21. Cote d'Ivoire
Well, it looked like everything was going to be fine and dandy, until that last minute. Too old when they got their first possible group.
20. Bosnia i Hercegovina
They ran Argentina close, they beat Iran. They weren't that bad against Nigeria, had some disallowed goals. Possibly the most impressive team to be knocked out in the group.
19. Croatia
They would have beaten Cameroon anyway, so their opening night defeat of Brazil would have been enough to put them through. If it weren't for the home whistler who was making a huge mess of it all.
18. Portugal
The problem as I see it is, opponents have no doubt who to mark. Also, some big game players when played on the left wing, defend so little that right-backs (like Fabian Johnson) can rip them a new one. Pepe also managed a new low in World Cup pointlessness.
17. Ecuador
Enner Valencia did well! They were knocked out effectively by a 90th minute winner for the Swiss in their opening game, which had they defended better would not have happened.
16. Nigeria
Scored some goals past Argentina, a feat that appeared more and more impressive. Beaten by France, which was slightly unfortunate, but probably merited.
15. United States
I believe.
I believe that we.
I believe that we will get knocked out in the last 16 after a spirited but slightly tactically inept showing in which our goalkeeper has to make roughly 10,000 saves before a superior team beat us 2-1.
Well, it'd be a more accurate chant.
14. Algeria
Algeria very well could have beaten Belgium. They very well could have beaten Germany. They were impressive.
13. Greece
Bolt the back door. Score 90th minute goals. Simple plan, carried out with some execution, but were beaten on penalties by Costa Rica. Who'd been a man down for an hour. And they squandered a 5v2.
12. Uruguay
Sometimes, before making a press release, one should simply ask oneself if said press release is defending an indefensible reprobrate, caught on camera and with a lengthy history of committing the same offense.
11. Switzerland
Had the ever-loving crap beaten out of them by France, but desperately unlucky to not take Argentina to penalties. Temporary loss of ability to defend coincided with Phillipe Senderos' time on the pitch, in what is surely a coincidence.
10. Mexico
Look, it was a foul. Of that I have no doubt. They should be quarter-finalists, but it is yet another Last 16 exit. They probably book the hotel for four matches by now.
9. Chile
A penalty shoot-out defeat to that shower that called themselves Brazil is scant justice for a wonderful team. Pinilla, you should have scored it! Not used it as inspiration for a bizarrely chosen tattoo!
8. Costa Rica
1-0 down to Uruguay, and we knew where it was going. And it didn't. Quarter-finalists and defeated in the most Krul way possible. Keylor Navas really deserves all of those Tim Howard memes, as well!
7. France
Unlucky to be drawn with Germany so early; their win over Switzerland was one of the most impressive of anybody in the tournament, despite Phillipe Senderos. Impressive.
6. Belgium
Simultaneously their best tournament for a good number of years and dispiritingly disappointing. The new vessel for the soul of Sven's England. Need to stitch themselves into some variety of team.
5. Colombia
James is pretty decent, but the rest weren't bad. Fantastic tournament; more than one great goal but one stunner. Sadly went out to the clogging of Brazil.
4. Brazil
They should have been eliminated at every stage up to the semi-final, and when a team is promoted so far above its abilities, then humiliation occurs. Shockingly poor management.
3. Netherlands
Diminishing returns in a tournament form. But, hey, lets remember that stunner of a mad day when they humiliated the defending champions in Salvador, rather than reserve goalkeeper shenanigans.
2. Argentina
It is difficult to understand exactly how they managed to get to the final, but they did pretty well when they actually got there. Concentration on one player lead to them fatally wasting the most talented attack in the tournament.
1. Germany
Looked superb against all forms of non-African opposition throughout, and their salt application to Brazil was brilliant. Probably played better in 2010, but still, here they are now, and they're the best team in this tournament by a margin. Congrats, all!