TEABAGYOKEL'S ANNUAL SHOUTING AT EUROPEAN GROUP STAGES
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
A: Atletico Simeone, Juventus, Olimpiacos, Malmo
Essentially, this group is a prime example of having two teams who I would damn well expect to go through, and I'm not talking about Olimpiacos or Malmo. Atletico Simeone to finish top, even if they meet Juve on the day of the wedding of their daughter.
B: Cristiano Showcase Special, Basel, Brendan FM, Ludogorets Razgad
So Brendan FM is back in the big time, where the sight of Cristiano Ronaldo going up against Glen Johnson promises to be one of the sights of the year. Basel are tricky, but Cristiano and Brendan will be sampling the next round. In that order.
C: Benfica, Zenit KKK, Pills Leverkusen, A$ Monaco
This is one of the most balanced groups in the Champions League for a long time, and as such I don't have any idea who will win it. I suppose it depends on how many people Monaco actually manage to sell by next week.
D: University of Arsenal, Borussia Dortmund, Galatasaray Hell, Anderlecht
The University of Arsenal's year on year battle to manage to do the exact same manner of finishing fourth and getting eliminated in the last 16 of the Champions League continues unabated, while Dortmund will beat them to top the group.
E: Der Barcelona, Al-Citeh, The Red Army, Roma
While Pep Guardiola's transformation of formerly successful German enterprise Bayern to Der Barcelona has even gone down to the kit, such fundamentalism might give Al-Citeh a chance of topping the group. If Pellegrini gets his maths right...
F: Barcelona, Paris Saint-Zlatan, Ajax, APOEL Capitalisation
Ajax always draw Barcelona or the Cristiano Showcase, so that's good for their Europa League campaign. PSZ may well top this group, unless the transformation of Barcelona into Old Barcelona has been successful.
G: Poor Little Chelsea, Schalke, Sporting Portugal, Maribor
Poor Little Chelsea come up against the might of three teams they should easily beat. The interesting thing is whether Schalke or Sporting Portugal will manage to join them in the next round. With Nani a new signing for Sporting, my money is on Schalke.
H: Porto, Shakhtar Anywhere But Donetsk, AC Basque Nationalism, BATE
The fact Shakhtar can't play within 200 miles of their home due to the warzone status of Donetsk gives a decent chance to AC Basque Nationalism to join Porto in the last 16.
EUROPA LEAGUE
A: Villarrael, B M'glad'ch, FC Zurich, Apollon
Is it just me who thinks that this will be Villarrael and B M'glad'ch to progress. They must be better than FC Zurich and Apollon, surely?
B: Kobenhavn, Club Brugge, Torino, HJK
Well, Finnish sides have as poor a record in Europe as they do in the Expressive Speaking World Championships, so it'll be Kobenhavn to join Torino. And I'm not Anglicising one and not the other.
C: Tottenham Highpress, Ba Siktas, Partizan Belgrade, Asteras Tripoli
Well Ba Siktas did well against Arsenal, despite Demba's knees being on the brink of imminent collapse, according to Stoke about 4 years ago. Tottenham and them to go through.
D: Mateschitz Salzburg, Glasgow Popes, Dinamo Zagreb, Astra Giurgiu
The Glasgow Popes have been quoted as having an easy draw, but they've been knocked out of the Champions League twice by worse clubs. Because they're shit. I expect Energy Drink sales to go through. Christian Horner to take credit.
E: PSV, Confused "Irish" Greeks, Estoril, Dynamo Moscow
The Confused "Irish" Greeks tend to do OK in Europe despite never winning the Greek league, probably because they think they're Irish. They'll go through with PSV.
F: INTER, Dnipro Dnipro, Saint Steve, Qarabag Anywhere But Agdam
So we've got one team whose home ground was destroyed in 1993, one whose home ground has been banned by UEFA despite not being in the warzone, one whose home ground is in France and INTER. Who'll go through with Saint Steve.
G: Sev-ee-ya, Average Liege, Feyenoord, Rijeka
Well, Sev-ee-ya are defending Champions. They'll go through here, probably with either Average Liege or Feyenoord. Maybe I'm overly harsh on Eastern Europe? Sorry about that.
H: Lille, Volkswagen, Nice Everton, Krasnodar
The whole point of a seeding system in the Europa League is that this does not happen. Holy crap. Krasnodar beat Sociedad 3-0 in qualifying too! Can't call this, sorry.
I: Napoli... FACT, This! Is! Sparta! Prague, Young Boys, Slovan Bratislava
Young Boys. I'll resist the obvious jokes. I suspect Rafa Benitez was punching the air at Al's Toy Barn when he saw this draw. No idea who'll join them.
J: Dynamo Actually In Kiev, Steaua Ceaucescu, Rio Ave, Aalborg
What happens to a dictator's pet team when the dictator is deposed? They end up playing Dynamo Actually In Kiev in the Europa League. Once let a 3 goal lead slip against Middlesbrough. Not impressive. Kiev and Aalborg, why not?
K: Fiorentina, Paok, Drogba's Old Team Guingamp, Dinamo Minsk
Fiorentina might just be happy with this group. And they'll be joined by Paok, which will be nice for them. Dinamo Minsk have done well already.
L: Metalist Quite Near Russia, Trabzon Quite Near Europe, Paperwork Warsaw, Lokeren
Legia Warsaw need to get their paperwork in order this time, really. Reprieving the Glasgow Popes like that isn't on. Trabzon QNE need to get through!
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
A: Atletico Simeone, Juventus, Olimpiacos, Malmo
Essentially, this group is a prime example of having two teams who I would damn well expect to go through, and I'm not talking about Olimpiacos or Malmo. Atletico Simeone to finish top, even if they meet Juve on the day of the wedding of their daughter.
B: Cristiano Showcase Special, Basel, Brendan FM, Ludogorets Razgad
So Brendan FM is back in the big time, where the sight of Cristiano Ronaldo going up against Glen Johnson promises to be one of the sights of the year. Basel are tricky, but Cristiano and Brendan will be sampling the next round. In that order.
C: Benfica, Zenit KKK, Pills Leverkusen, A$ Monaco
This is one of the most balanced groups in the Champions League for a long time, and as such I don't have any idea who will win it. I suppose it depends on how many people Monaco actually manage to sell by next week.
D: University of Arsenal, Borussia Dortmund, Galatasaray Hell, Anderlecht
The University of Arsenal's year on year battle to manage to do the exact same manner of finishing fourth and getting eliminated in the last 16 of the Champions League continues unabated, while Dortmund will beat them to top the group.
E: Der Barcelona, Al-Citeh, The Red Army, Roma
While Pep Guardiola's transformation of formerly successful German enterprise Bayern to Der Barcelona has even gone down to the kit, such fundamentalism might give Al-Citeh a chance of topping the group. If Pellegrini gets his maths right...
F: Barcelona, Paris Saint-Zlatan, Ajax, APOEL Capitalisation
Ajax always draw Barcelona or the Cristiano Showcase, so that's good for their Europa League campaign. PSZ may well top this group, unless the transformation of Barcelona into Old Barcelona has been successful.
G: Poor Little Chelsea, Schalke, Sporting Portugal, Maribor
Poor Little Chelsea come up against the might of three teams they should easily beat. The interesting thing is whether Schalke or Sporting Portugal will manage to join them in the next round. With Nani a new signing for Sporting, my money is on Schalke.
H: Porto, Shakhtar Anywhere But Donetsk, AC Basque Nationalism, BATE
The fact Shakhtar can't play within 200 miles of their home due to the warzone status of Donetsk gives a decent chance to AC Basque Nationalism to join Porto in the last 16.
EUROPA LEAGUE
A: Villarrael, B M'glad'ch, FC Zurich, Apollon
Is it just me who thinks that this will be Villarrael and B M'glad'ch to progress. They must be better than FC Zurich and Apollon, surely?
B: Kobenhavn, Club Brugge, Torino, HJK
Well, Finnish sides have as poor a record in Europe as they do in the Expressive Speaking World Championships, so it'll be Kobenhavn to join Torino. And I'm not Anglicising one and not the other.
C: Tottenham Highpress, Ba Siktas, Partizan Belgrade, Asteras Tripoli
Well Ba Siktas did well against Arsenal, despite Demba's knees being on the brink of imminent collapse, according to Stoke about 4 years ago. Tottenham and them to go through.
D: Mateschitz Salzburg, Glasgow Popes, Dinamo Zagreb, Astra Giurgiu
The Glasgow Popes have been quoted as having an easy draw, but they've been knocked out of the Champions League twice by worse clubs. Because they're shit. I expect Energy Drink sales to go through. Christian Horner to take credit.
E: PSV, Confused "Irish" Greeks, Estoril, Dynamo Moscow
The Confused "Irish" Greeks tend to do OK in Europe despite never winning the Greek league, probably because they think they're Irish. They'll go through with PSV.
F: INTER, Dnipro Dnipro, Saint Steve, Qarabag Anywhere But Agdam
So we've got one team whose home ground was destroyed in 1993, one whose home ground has been banned by UEFA despite not being in the warzone, one whose home ground is in France and INTER. Who'll go through with Saint Steve.
G: Sev-ee-ya, Average Liege, Feyenoord, Rijeka
Well, Sev-ee-ya are defending Champions. They'll go through here, probably with either Average Liege or Feyenoord. Maybe I'm overly harsh on Eastern Europe? Sorry about that.
H: Lille, Volkswagen, Nice Everton, Krasnodar
The whole point of a seeding system in the Europa League is that this does not happen. Holy crap. Krasnodar beat Sociedad 3-0 in qualifying too! Can't call this, sorry.
I: Napoli... FACT, This! Is! Sparta! Prague, Young Boys, Slovan Bratislava
Young Boys. I'll resist the obvious jokes. I suspect Rafa Benitez was punching the air at Al's Toy Barn when he saw this draw. No idea who'll join them.
J: Dynamo Actually In Kiev, Steaua Ceaucescu, Rio Ave, Aalborg
What happens to a dictator's pet team when the dictator is deposed? They end up playing Dynamo Actually In Kiev in the Europa League. Once let a 3 goal lead slip against Middlesbrough. Not impressive. Kiev and Aalborg, why not?
K: Fiorentina, Paok, Drogba's Old Team Guingamp, Dinamo Minsk
Fiorentina might just be happy with this group. And they'll be joined by Paok, which will be nice for them. Dinamo Minsk have done well already.
L: Metalist Quite Near Russia, Trabzon Quite Near Europe, Paperwork Warsaw, Lokeren
Legia Warsaw need to get their paperwork in order this time, really. Reprieving the Glasgow Popes like that isn't on. Trabzon QNE need to get through!
