The Teams' Circuits


Valued Member
So, with the "Red Bull Ring" entering F1, I wondered what the teams would come up with if they decided to build their very own circuits for F1 races...

1. Red Bull Racing Circuit, Austria
  • Extremely fast corners and almost no braking zones both to bugger everyone's KERS as much as Webber's and to fully exploit the latest Diffuser solution.
  • The crest of a hill between P1 and P2 on the grid to ensure Vettel goes forward and Webber backwards at the start.
  • An artificially darkened circuit to prevent anyone seeing the back of the Red Bull; disco lights etc. included so they can claim it's because they're a 24/7 Party Extreme Sports Fun Team.
  • Short straights to advantage slow straight line speed.
2. Autodromo Tifosi di Ferrari, Italy

  • Huge grandstands to show off "passion of Ferrari fans".
  • Stewards' room situated on Ferrari pit-wall, where various team members can apply undue pressure.
  • Grid blocks drawn extremely close together to maximise quick starts and minimise iffy qualifying performance.
  • Extremely low, perhaps even painted on, kerbs to ensure Massa can get over them.
  • Huge VIP area containing every notable Italian, perhaps with someone trying to sell them all Ferraris on the side.
  • Explodable tyre barriers for causing Safety Cars when Alonso falls too far behind the lead/is in a position to gain strategically.
3. Vodafone McLaren Mercedes Customised Racing Circuit, England

  • First ever indoor/underground circuit, with anthracite grey floors and a pair of white lines the only markings. - Think the one they actually produce themselves in Tooned.
  • Absolutely no uneven floors. Walls and barriers at a prescribed, constant and parallel distance from the white line, all turns of constant radii and walls to follow.
  • Sprinkler system to create Button-style changeable conditions/wash off unsightly tyre markings after sessions.
  • Grids running alongside white lines to collect unsightly marbles.
4. #WhereIsTheLotusCircuit, Qatar

  • First ever noticeboard opposite grandstands which takes the piss out of opposition cars as they come past.
  • Huge, wide run up to Turn One with no barriers in sight in an attempt to get RoGro through there.
  • Ice-cream, vodka dispensers etc. etc.
  • Portakabins lining pit wall to make it easier for drivers to take a shit.
  • Pit lane speed limit of 5mph to punish anyone who can't preserve a set of tyres.
  • Situated in Qatar to ensure track is suitably hot and dry - constantly!
5. Mercbenzring, Germany

  • Extremely slow and narrow circuit with barriers never leaving the side of the track, no DRS, no fast sections, no overtaking.
  • Qualifying on pole designed to guarantee race win.
  • Race announced two weeks after Mercedes, in plain liveries and black helmets, have won it.
  • Extra-large pit-walls to accommodate all Mercedes' team principals.
6. Sauber Circuit, Switzerland

  • Gigantic advertising hoardings to flog to the highest bidder.
  • No colour if you're not being paid to splash it on.
  • Corners designed for mad outbreaking Kobayashistic moves now left cut off by smoother turns.
  • Surface designed so that the choice of tyres on race day is imperative, thus P11 best place to qualify.
7. Vijay Malaya Indian All-India Racing Circuit, Scotland
  • Lots of Indian branding without going within 1000 miles of India, just like their driver line-up.
  • Loads of long straights
  • Separate bars for different teams to prevent certain drivers getting too close to opposition team principals with champagne flutes etc.
  • Mandatory stationary pit-stop time of 1 minute to allow Force to maybe catch up.
8. Williams Grand Prix Circuit

  • Small 1980s size pits
  • Mandatory large cockpits so drivers of all sizes can fit in, something that wouldn't be seen at the McLaren circuit...
  • Run-off areas at least 150x track width to keep Maldonado away from the barriers.
  • Large bins to deposit brown paper envelopes marked "PDVSA".
  • Smaller, secondary circuit to give various paying drivers a chance to test a F2 car.
  • Constructors' on the podium instead of drivers...
9. Autodromo Toro Rosso, Austria
  • Angoli estremamente veloce e quasi nessun zone di frenata, sia per il KERS bastardo di tutti, il più di Webber e di sfruttare appieno l'ultima soluzione diffusore.
  • La cresta di una collina tra P1 e P2 in griglia per garantire Vettel va avanti e indietro Webber alla partenza.
  • Un circuito artificialmente oscurato per evitare che qualcuno vedendo la parte posteriore della Red Bull, luci da discoteca, ecc incluso in modo che possano pretendere che sia perché sono un 24/7 Festa dello sport estremo squadra divertente.
  • Brevi rettilinei a vantaggio lenta velocità in linea retta.
10. Air Asia QPR Caterham F1 Circuit, Malaysia

  • Turn One grandstand modelled on Loftus Road.
  • No cameras to be trained on the Lotus team, having stolen Lotus from Lotus.
  • Displays showing Caterham to be 1 second faster under the heading "At the next race..."
11. Eeee... Circuit Belonging To T'Marussia Team, PR of Yorkshire

  • Every corner shows "Visit Yorkshire Russia.... It's Grand" signs.
  • A huge tower called the Aon tower containing Aon's shareholders facing away from the track so they can't see what Max Chilton is doing to their investment.
  • Completely flat so cars don't roll down dale.
  • Large areas around garages so Marussia engineers can "network" with McLaren, Ferrari etc.
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