F1 2112

Discussion in 'Clip The Apex Presents...' started by teabagyokel, Apr 14, 2012.

  1. teabagyokel

    teabagyokel #dejavu Valued Member

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    The 2112 Formula One season is almost upon us here, and the teams have built their cars and tested them to the nth degree. As the grid decamps to Homs, Syria to be welcomed by the despotic rulers of the country, we here at Apex Sport preview the new season.

    Last year's Constructors' Champions Anthony Hamilton Racing continue with their Renault engine, but there is a new driver line-up. Their two drivers are both decendents of former World Champions with (3) Martin Button and (4) Ronaldo Alonso taking to the famous yellow cars. The team has missed its founder's steely detirmination, but was still utterly successful last year.

    Drinks manufacturers Tango continue with their F1 effort with Daewoo engines in the back. (5) Roberto Ontário of Italy seeks to recover from his Championship defeat last year, while he is accompanied by controversial Dutchman (6) Arnold van der Liegen. The black and orange livery of the team is as striking as ever.

    There is a sense of expectation and crisis at Scuderia Ferrari. They've kept on their Russian hero (7) Dimitri Shavnov, whose presence at the top helps Formula One in the Soviet Union retain its glamour. He is joined, as is Ferrari tradition, by Brazilian dead duck (8) Nelson Piquet V.

    McLaren have picked up a Ferrari engine to stick in the silver cars this year, though no-one can actually remember why the cars were silver in the first place. They have a Chinese number one driver in the provocatively named (9) Jack E. Chan. They have taken a risk by accompanying Chan with flamboyant GP2 runner-up (10) Gilbert O'Reilly of the Irish Republic, who lost the GP2 title with a range of offs and tantrums.

    The works Skoda team have attracted disaffected triple World Champion (1) Pedro Perfectelli from AHR's grip, and thus expect to go steaming up the grid. They are joined by Czech GP2 winner (2) Karel Dzevsky, who is the great hope that has secured the Czech VW-subsidary's F1 future.

    The unusual Swedish-Islamic alliance of Al IKEA Islam (AII-Volvo) continues apace. The heir to the emirate of Dubai (11) Sheikh Muhammad Al-Khalifa insists on being the teams #1 driver as well as its main funder, so highly-rated young Swede (12) Lars Larsson still has the hugely unnecessary requirement to move over for his team-mate in his contract, though it would only be activated if he wasn't minutes ahead of his boss.

    All Women's team Always-Skoda continue to deny that their title sponsor is unnecessarily misogynistic, but they remain a sponsor's dream. (14) Maria Senna is Brazilian and her surname is Senna, so it was assumed she must be related somehow. She is joined by American pin-up (15) Mary Washington, who claims not to be related to the first president.

    Waltz-Renault are Tango's junior team and thus have two young up-and-comers in the seats. (16) Barry Jones is the great hope of Wales, at the age of only 20, but is the veteran of the team alongside Bilbao's favourite son (17) Harkaitz Akuritaxpe who is only 19.

    Formed by two family marriages of two F1 dynasties in two generations, Minardi Sauber Williams-Ferrari are the traditionalists favourite team. And their driver is former World Champion and veteran (18) Toni Reichsmuller of Germany. He is joined by Tongan journeyman (19) Kulapo Lakepi, who got into F1 living near Silverstone with his rugby union international brother.

    Talking of F1 dynasties, the Briatore family were favoured by Bernie Ecclestone's brain-in-a-jar when he handed out F1 places, thus Flabio Moda-Daewoo got into the paddock. The team consists of the Briatores' protége (20) Andriy Karamalitinenko from the Soviet Union, and unfavoured pay driver (21) Hideki Yamamoto, whose family have been unjustly buying F1 seats for generations.

    And, of course, there's the Fernandes dynasty too, and their Arrows team have now changed their name to Hesketh-Cosworth in a bid to have capitalised on the remains of every Formula One team of the twentieth century. Their driving lineup reflects their new name, with English aristocrat (22) Lord Durham joining Brazilian former Ferrari driver and famous F1 brother (23) Ronaldo Piquet.

    And there is always HRT-Cosworth. Their 100 year history sees a best finish of 11th, which they will be hoping French newbie (24) Thierry Écossais will be improving on. He's joined by (25) Kirtan Kakari of India.

    And, finally, there is the brand new McDonalds Racing Team, backed by the gigantic fast food franchise. They have taken the final grid slot, and plan to make a splash in America with new driver (26) John Richards, and they have Jamaica's first F1 driver (27) Jacqueline Bolt, who uses a car to keep up with her running family.

    Here on Apex Sport, our dedicated team will bring you all the news from all the 30 events lined up this season. And we expect it to be much better than Perfectelli's runaway victory last year...
     
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  3. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    APEX SPORT 2112


    Rootersport's Formula Wonderful Tech Rumour Special ......................... Part One

    Editorial

    2112 PROMISES TO BE A TRULY GROUND-BREAKING YEAR FOR ROOTERSPORT AND ITS NEW COLLABORATION WITH APEX SPORT

    This is a first for the news industry as Apex and Rooters are going to share reporters and expertise to bring you the very best of what promises to be the most exciting season, ever, in Formula One (or as Rooters calls it, Formula Wonderful).

    As the F1 2112 season draws ever nearer the fans, journo's, pundits and general public alike are wondering what the car covers are hiding. We know the cars are going to be the sleekest aerodynamic shapes ever seen but what will lurk beneath the engine covers? Kinetic Energy Recovery Systems have now been universlly adopted - even HRT have a device for this season - since it is now the primary motive drive of the modern racing machine. No, the mystery surrounds the teams choices with regard to the System Charging Engines (SCE's). Well, ahead of the Futuristic Interplanetary d'Automobile's impending announcement of the 2112 F1 Sporting and Technical Regulations, our new hack Brad Routon has been sneaking around in the governing body's hard-drives in an effort to find some leaks. This is what he thinks he has found thus far ...

    Tellie Fenderman III Jnr. Editor, Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp - Partnered with Apex News)

    New Motors For F1 2112

    Before I tell you what I have discovered in the halls of power, I thought it might be a good idea to put the forthcoming challenge facing F1 into some historical context. As you all know the new season sees the most dramatic restructuring of F1 in fifty years. In fact, the only time the rules concerning the technical aspects of the sport have seen such a dramatic rewriting was when they were written in the first place, back in the 20th century.

    The sporting regulations are remaining relatively unchanged with just a few tweaks to take account of the accelerated thought processes of modern homo-sapiens following the compulsory addition of Red Bull energy fluids to the World's urban drinking water supply (thanks, WHO). The FIA F1 Technical Regulations 2112 have, in contrast, been completely overhauled. Petrol, which is in extremely short supply anyway, is banned. As is Diesel and "natural" gas.

    So now, we know this much. KERS has come of age. Burning fossil fuels is now seen as such a bad thing, that burning the same stuff but before it has been allowed to die and become fossilised, is a very good thing. So long as we do not burn very much of it all in one go. F1 wrestled with the death throes of the petrol engine for the best part of the 21st century. Only in the last decade have the automotive gurus managed to extract the equivalent power from the now all pervasive electric motor as that achieved from the reciprocating engine. Finally, the target figure of 800 bhp in a racing automobile weighing 650kg (with driver aboard) has been met by electric motive power.

    The challenge for engineers and designers has been to get the power to weight ratio equivalence with pre-existing motorsport formulae, let alone the 800bhp/650kg exhibited by the last great F1 cars of the 21st Century. From what I've read in the tech-regs the FIA are allowing a whole range of solutions for the power train. Unlike the dying days of the petrol engine when we might as well have had them made by the same bloke the scope is wide open. The reasoning behind this lies in the uncomfortable truth that it has taken fifty years for the FIA, and the sport in general, to learn the simple truth that allowing freedom to innovate in the motor department accelerates novel approaches and new solutions. Duh.

    So this is how the techies have cracked it and finally recovered some of the ground lost in developing the electrically powered race car:

    First and foremost is the traditional approach utilising a single motor housed centrally under the engine cover with a traditional gearbox and trans-axle arrangement. Weight has always been the main bug bear with this approach, especially with regard to the use of batteries to power the motor. The invention of the Miniaturised Automotive Nuclear Generator (MANG) certainly helped but the tech-regs currently outlaw use of the device on the race-track on safety grounds.

    The second solution is the incorporation of individual motors in each of the rear wheels. Incorporation in all four wheels is still banned due to a curious left-over from the tech-regs of the 21st Century that specify that only the rear wheels can be driven. However, it is widely viewed that this solution provides a far better power to weight ratio than the traditional power-train.

    KERS units can be incorporated anywhere the constructors feel fit, so curiously they are allowed to be fitted in the front wheels. Since they can become motors when the stored current or energy is reversed this seems to contradict the archaic "rear-wheel driven" rule. Oh well, who says that the FIA should have learned not to contradict itself. Interestingly, neither do the tech-regs specify the weight of the power units or other components of the cars, only the total weight of the package. Therefore, there is lots of scope for the creative juices of the constructors to be brought to bear.

    Ah, but? I hear you cry. What about the charging of batteries and electricity generation? Well this is where the FIA have, themselves, been extremely creative. Some of you may remember that brave creation, of Japanese car company Toyota, called the Prius. Now consigned to automotive museums, this little gem had a small petrol engine to generate electricity to charge the battery that powered the electric motor. For added acceleration the petrol engine could be used to accelerate the car until the electric motor kicked in for cruising - or something like that. As mentioned earlier petrol motors are banned. Therefore, the new formula allows the use of bio-fuel burning engines. Methane burners (MeBs) are limited to 100cc/50bhp units. Vegetable Oil burners (VOBs) are limited to 75cc/50bhp units. Finally, Used Cooking Oil/Fat burners (UCO/FB's) are limited to 50cc/50bhp units.

    However, the most dramatic innovation of the last decade has been the development of the Hydro-Electric Engine (HEE) and the very new High Energy Enhanced Hydro-Electric Engine (HEE HEE). The rumour mill is rife that this is the power-house lurking in the new McLaren. If so we can expect the car to be labelled the McLaren Volvo Hee Hee.

    Brad Routon. Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp - Partnered with Apex News)8-)

    Coming up in Part Two: Brad Routon looks at the Tech-Regs governing suspension and Drag Redirectional Energisation Gyroscopic Systems (DREGS).
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2014
  4. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    APEX SPORT 2112

    Rootersport's 2112 Formula Wonderful Tech Rumour Special ......................... Part Two


    Editorial

    Brad Routon looks at the Tech-Regs governing suspension and some other stuff he found out overnight. First, though, Brad has found some more revelations in the power house department.

    Tellie Fenderman III Jnr. Editor, Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp - Partnered with Apex News)


    New Motors For F1 2112

    Indeed. Biggest news is confirmation that McDonald Racing Team have confirmed that they are running a Used Cooking Oil/Fat burner (UCO/FB) System Charging Engine (SCE). A spokesperson claims that the unit is capable of putting out 1000V/dc at the peak 50bhp from its 74cc rotary engine. The motor is built by Zannussi, a new entrant to the F1 supplier market with extensive experience in building household cooking equipment. We understand that the team has taken a leaf out of the old 21st Century F1 innovation book. Since the motor is designed to charge the KERS and electric drive train, the exhaust has been routed to blow continuously via a convoluted duct system, through an arrangement of venturi and onto the rear tyres. McDonald Racing call the system an Exhaust Blown Sticky Tyre Diffuser (EBSTD). The intention of the device is to utilise the greasy goo that would otherwise be recycled into the fuel system. By spraying it hot onto the tyres it is intended to increase stickyness of the slick tyre to the track surface thereby increasing mechanical grip.

    Rumour has it that the system will be protested by opposing teams at the forthcoming pre-season tests. Marwash Whitmunch IV of McLaren Volvo Hee Hee, is quoted as saying, “it [the system] goes against every environmental principle of the new formula. Not only that, it stinks.”

    Motors From The Past

    The origins of In-Wheel Drive. A fine example of 21st Century innovation. Note the archaic performance specifications. A Protean spokesperson tells us that with 22nd Century materials their performance figures are a quantum leap from the example featured here. It is no surprise that the spec's of the motors supplied to the F1 grid are a a seriously, closely guarded secret.

    [​IMG]

    Protean Drive™ Specifications Metric English
    Peak output power @ 400 Vdc 81 kW 110 HP
    Continuous output power @ 400 Vdc 64 kW 86 HP
    Peak output torque 800 Nm 590 lb-ft
    Continuous output torque 500 Nm 370 lb-ft
    Nominal input voltage range 200-400Vdc 200-400Vdc
    Width 115 mm 4.5 in
    Diameter 420 mm 16.5 in
    Total motor mass 31 kg 68 lb

    Photo and data is courtesy of Protean (in other words we hope they don't mind ... what the heck it's free advertising on the planet's premier interweb forum)

    Visit their website here: http://www.proteanelectric.com

    F1 2112 Aerodynamics

    Yes, onto the aero stuff. Sorry to keep you waiting. Historians among us will recall the thin end of the wedge that began a hundred years ago with the introduction of the Le Mans 24 Hours endurance tricycle prototype and Indy Racing League rear wheel farings. Within a few seasons open wheel racing all but disappeared, preserved only by the historic racing fraternity. Well, thankfully, I hear, the new tech-reg’s have scrapped those awful fully enclosed wheels and true open wheel racing is back! Yippee!

    It is common knowledge that the new cars are sleeker. In fact the HRT is rumoured to be modelled on a Full Metal Jacket rifle bullet. Question marks surround the means by which aerodynamic downforce will be achieved by that design and it is assumed that it will be entirely conferred by front and rear aerofoils.

    The new rules stipulate that both front and rear wings must flex a lot and a new test has been introduced to ensure that they do. A high tensile steel wire will be attached to each endplate of the wing under test. A projectile will be loaded into the centre of the wire which will be pulled back by a crank to impart 100psi tension and then released. The projectile must exceed an altitude of 750m for the wing to pass the test.

    Suspension

    As with so much of the new formula the tech-reg’s regarding suspension are a total reversal of over a 100 years of constriction. Driver adjustable ride height is back. As is automated load, preload, bound and rebound adjustment. The revolution in tyre and wheel technology and state of the art construction materials have long been incorporated into road cars and, at last, they have found their way into F1.

    Basic suspension is provided by triangulated neoplutonium-tungsten-magnesium-secret-ingredient-alloy suspension struts. The new alloys are immensely strong yet ultra-light weight. Engineers have been able to produce struts with a known level of torsional flexibility. Gone are the days of the old-hat fluid, gas and air filled dampers. Now it is all in the fabric of the metal. Load and preload are initially determined by the ratios of the various metalic elements in the alloy struts.

    Along with the adjustment of bound and rebound, actual settings at any one time are controlled by the onboard computer which alters the torsion within the struts by using stepped voltages to pump current through heating elements in the cores of the struts. Changing the temperature of the struts alters their tension and thus their response to load. Multi-directional sensors in the struts relay “information” to, and receive “information” from, the computer in much the same way as a human nervous system. The computer instantaneously controls the suspension by making the struts behave simultaneously like muscle and bone.

    The challenge for the constructors is in stealing a march over the competition by refining the alloys that they are using. The tech-reg’s allow total freedom in this area, so long as all components pass the Crush and Stretch Test (CAST). Interestingly the details of this test have not yet been made public. However, it has been noticed that brand new car-crushing equipment has been shipped out for the tests.

    Brad Routon. Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp - Partnered with Apex News)8-)


    Coming up in Part Three: Brad Routon looks at the Tech-Regs governing Drag Redirectional Energisation Gyroscopic Systems (DREGS). Sorry we didn't get around to these in part two but we thought you'd like to know more about the new motors. Ed.
     
  5. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    APEX SPORT 2112


    Rootersport's 2112 Formula Wonderful Tech Rumour Special ......................... Part Zero

    2112 New Technology Glossary

    Editorial

    Brad Routon thought you might like a reference for terms in the Tech-Regs whilst we await the lowdown on the Drag Redirectional Energisation Gyroscopic Systems (DREGS).

    Tellie Fenderman III Jnr. Editor, Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp - Partnered with Apex News)


    FIA F1 Technical Regulations 2112 - WTF Do Those Acronyms Refer To?

    In the time honoured tradition of high-brow enterprise, the technology of the twenty-second century is reduced to mind numbing acronyms for use in everyday race-speak. For the casual fan someone saying "Our VOB's are not yet running at full effie" is, well, simply gobbledigook. So, for the benefit of newcomers to the sport and long-time followers alike, the FIA have begun to compile a glossary of the new technologies we will be encountering in the new age of Formula One. Since these are early days, and teams have yet to fully reveal the systems and devices that they have incorporated into their race-cars, the list is incomplete. We at Rootersport will endeavour to update the glossary as and when the information emerges from the usual cloak of secrecy.

    FIA F1 Technical Regulations 2112 - Glossary of Technical Terms

    FIA - Fix It Already, and whole lot of other interesting definitions depending on how one feels about the sport's governing body.

    WTF - Which Technological Functionality?

    Effie - Efficiency

    800bhp/650kg – Maximum power limit and minimum vehicle weight limit for the 2112 season

    System Charging Engine (SCE) – Generic name for Fuel and Engine Types

    Hydro-Electric Engine (HEE) – Fuel and Engine Type - Hydrogen Gas turbine - peak power @ high revolutions / high torque from low revolutions. Expensive. Non-polluting. Exhaust water can be filtered and recycled into drivers fluid supply.

    High Energy Enhanced Hydro-Electric Engine (HEE HEE) – Fuel and Engine Type – Hydrogen Gas turbine – peak power @ mid-range revolutions / high torque @ low revolutions. Very, very expensive. Non-polluting. Exhaust water can be filtered and recycled into drivers fluid supply.

    Methane Burners (MeBs) – Fuel and Engine Type - 100cc/50bhp, Gas turbine – peak power @ high revolutions / low torque @ low revolutions. Cheapish. Air polluting, a bit.

    Vegetable Oil burners (VOBs) – Fuel and Engine Type - 75cc/50bhp, Rotary Single Cylinder – peak power @ low revolutions / high torque from low revolutions. Moderately cheap. Quite air polluting – requires scrubbers - so environmentally detrimental to current generations

    Used Cooking Oil / Fat Burners (UCO/FB's) – Fuel and Engine Type – 50cc/50bhp, Rotary Twin Cylinder – peak power @ high revolutions / medium torque from low revolutions. Moderately cheap. Dirty and polluting - requires scrubbers - so environmentally detrimental to current generations

    Miniaturised Automotive Nuclear Generator (MANG) – Banned Fuel and Engine Type. Ludicrously powerful and ludicrously expensive. Produces radioactive waste so environmentally detrimental to current and future generations.

    In-Wheel Drive (IWD) – Combined motor and final drive located with driven wheel of vehicle

    Transaxle Drive Train (TDT) – traditional arrangement whereby driveshafts and transaxles are required to transmit drive from a centrally mounted engine or motor to the driven wheel/s

    Kinetic Energy Recovery System (KERS) - Old hat, tried and tested means of generating electrical power from trying to stop, a lot.

    Drag Redirectional Energisation Gyroscopic Systems (DREGS) – inspired by early 21st C experimental horizontally vaned wind-power generation system installed on top of skycrapers in some US cities. This device is located behind the rear wing and is activated when the DRS slot is closed and another slot is opened on application of the brakes. Air is redirected through the horizontally vaned turbine mounted on a drive shaft that drives a generator which supplements the charging current energising the charging system. In addition, the system adds significantly to drag assisting deceleration.

    Upon release of the brakes the redirection slot is closed. However, in cornering, aerodynamically shaped slots in the wing endplates take over the redirection of airflow onto the turbine. The design incorporates mounting bearings which take advantage of gyroscopic effects conferred by the centrifugal forces acting on the vehicle through cornering. Thus the length of time the turbine continues to operate is maximised. Only on acceleration and straight line travel is the system completely disabled as the DRS is activated with the DRS flap guiding airflow smoothly over and around the turbine.

    Drag Reduction System (DRS) - Means of opening a letterbox shaped slot in the rear wing, introduced in the 21st century to enable Race Control (RC) to tell drivers and engineers just what they can do with their F-Duct.

    Exhaust Blown Sticky Tyre Diffuser (EBSTD*) – Bizarre technology attempting to make rear tyres stickier. with burnt but gooey cooking oil sprayed onto the rear slicks in an attempt to give more mechanical grip. it could then go horribly wrong as the difficulties of balancing temperatures and consistent gooeyness prove impossible with resulting chaos as car grips and slips unpredictably.

    F-Duct (FD) - Banned in 21st Century, driver operated device (DOD) to blow interference on the rear wing to reduce drag.

    Driver Operated Device (DOD) - What that says.

    Driver Urine Delivery System (DUDS) - Method of recycling pee to produce useful chemical compounds for a very secret type of battery about which we know nothing.

    LATE ADDITIONS:

    Gravity Grip Device (GGD) - This is a safety device (fitted to all cars by edict of the FIA Safety Group (FIASG) ) which is designed to be automatically enabled when a car is travelling too slowly, therefore lacking downforce, on steeply banked or loop sections of race tracks. All circuits ( by edict of the FIA Safety Group (FIASG)) now incorporate Magnetic Anti-Levitation Devices (MALD) in sections of track where lack of downforce is likely to result in a car falling off of the track. These were introduced following a spate of accidents at the Trafalgar Square circuit back in 2035.

    Magnetic Anti-Levitation Devices (MALD) - similar to Maglev technology only acts in reverse. Whereas Maglev works on the principle of electro-magneticially induced repulsion MALD works on the principle of electro-magnetically induced attraction.

    FIA Safety Group (FIASG) - Dictatorial bunch of Health & Safety Nazi's (originally instigated by the European Union Safety In Sport Inspectorate (EUSISI) also known as Eurosissies) who are scared excrementless of the Litigation Culture Advanced Guard (LCAG).

    Fizzy Drink Fizz Energy Recovery System (FDFERS) – New-hat energy recovery system being pioneered by Tango F1 (Tango-Daewoo). When “Mythbusters 2112” aired an episode of clips from their early years on the “Rediscovery Channel” featuring the Mentos tablet in Diet Cola experiment, it is said that a light bulb started to glow on a Tango engineer’s head. After several months in the laboratory and many litres of a very strong coffee later he emerged with a new technology.

    We believe that a diet version of Tango (the drink) is retained in a pressurised vessel somewhere on the chassis of the Tango (the car). The drink is then fed into a mixer tank where it is combined with a refined and augmented version of Mento (the mint flavoured confectionary tablet). The result is a high pressure gaseous substance that is channelled to vanes on the flywheel of the Tango’s (the car) Kinetic Energy Recovery System. The energy fed into the System Charging System (SCS) is thus increased by an as yet undisclosed amount.

    Low Gravity Cushion Based Dampening System (LGCBDS) – During transitional phases from inverted sections of a circuit back to the horizontal driver and car experience a momentary loss of gravity. Some teams have incorporated special dampening cushions on areas of the car to limit the amount of movement and control the direction of movement of parts in those areas, including the drivers arms, hands, legs and head. These systems have to be individually tuned to each car and driver taking into account variations of body shape and mass to ensure a perfect fit. At the extreme a catastrophic failure of such a system can remove a driver’s extremities from the controls (i.e. steering wheel, shift paddles, foot pedals, etc.) with a subsequent total loss of control. Thankfully there has only been one such failure in history when Mirling Stoss cashed in his chips in the disastrous 2035 championship race on the Trafalgar Square Tunnel Circuit, Loondon.

    Low Gravity Sector (LGS) – elevated and twisted sections of a circuit where car and driver experience momentary zero or close to zero G. The phenomenon is caused by the transitional phase as the car transits the inverted loop sections of track on return to the horizontal (i.e. right way up) sections.

    The phenomenon was first discovered (Wiki probably thinks) and utilised by The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) in the early 20th Century. NASA was a quaint little space outfit in what was once a country called America, that is credited with landing the first men on The Moon in 1969. Using Boeing 707 aircraft NASA would prepare their astronauts for zero gravity by taking the plane up to its near maximum ceiling and throwing it into a steep dive thus inducing a period of nil-gravity.

    Kneeling Chauffeur Pedal Pushing Driver Assistance System (KCPPDAS) – debuted in Lord Durham's 2112 Hesketh challenger, this device is actually a very small man in a grey suit and flat cap located in the footwell of the car. There is still some debate over the legality of the device but it has been allowed for testing purpose and will be evaluated by FIA Stewhards prior to the season opening race.

    Artificial go-faster over-take devices (AGFOTD’s) Catch all title for any doodad that aids the driver get past the other bloke in a downright dirty or unfair advantage type fashion. Includes such dastardly devices like KERS, CURSE, DRS, ETC.

    Active Reverse Space Equaliser (ARSE) – device that temporarily distorts time and space to create a wormhole through which car B can effectively pass through car A, thereby becoming car A.

    Excrement Technology Control – an elegant (in engineering terms) solution for managing the consequences of over-excitement.

    Vettel-Webber RBR Flex (VWRBRF) – Characteristic flexing or bending associated with carbon fibre front wings of the 21st Century. FIA struggled to measure the flexing of the historic Red Booll’s back in the 2010 by the quaint methodology of hanging weights off the ends of the wing. However, the secret was in the weave of the carbon fibre whereby the flexing was torsional rather than lateral. Unfortunately, the people of the time had difficulty believing in their own eyes. Although, everyone including toddlers watching TV on their daddies knees could see the flexing and knew this was illegal, in those days the FIA were incapable of devising a test. Things have changed as humans have recently had an Evolutionary Jump (EJ*)

    *EJ – not to be confused with an Eddie Jordan (EJ) which is a slightly impolite way of saying someone is “off-beat”, “dizzy” or “comedic with serious intent”.

    Even Later Additions:


    Cosmic Level Catastrophe (CLC) – CLC’s are events of unimaginably large and dramatic proportions. Generally speaking they involve large space-borne objects colliding with other large space-borne objects leading to the annihilation of one, sometimes both, but always with humungous damage to the object that survives. One such example rid planet Earth of gigantic lizards called Dinosaurs. We know this because of a thin layer of Iridium that was deposited at the Cretacious/Tertiary Boundary. If you want to know what that is consult Wikipedia, this is the FIA Technical Terms Glossary. Okay?

    Krypton-Nitroglycerine-Assisted Continuous Kinetic Energy Recovery System (KNACKERS) - Krypton gas from a tank is fed to a mixer and combined with a weak nitroglycerine solution from another. The mixture is injected into a combustion chamber which exhausts the resultant expanding gases into a small, fully enclosed turbojet engine. A gas conversion unit takes the exhaust gases from the turbojet, cools and separates them into the original component gas and liquid. These are returned under pressure to their respective tanks and recycled for re-use in the cycle. Meanwhile the turbojet ramps up the energy generated by the system.

    Red Booll Assisted Intelligence (RBAI) – Invented by Adrian Newey, RBAI is an energy-drink-water-infiltration-system used by Red Booll to artificially enhance the centres of the brain responsible for inventing things. It is rumoured that the concoction contains genetically enhanced Adrian Newey DNA.

    Sneaky Slots (SS’s) – Invented by Ken Tyrrell in the early 20th century and developed out of all recognition by Adrian Newey these were specially designed enclosed holes that other teams didn’t like very much and thus were subsequently banned by the FIA.

    Tech Guru's – People like Adrian Newey.

    _____________________________________________________________________________​
    Brad Routon. Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp - Partnered with Apex News)8-)


    Still to come up in Part Three: Brad Routon looks at the Tech-Regs governing Drag Redirectional Energisation Gyroscopic Systems (DREGS).
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2014
  6. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    Rootersport's Formula Wonderful Tech Rumour Special ......................... Part Zero a

    Motors From The Past Special

    Editorial

    Brad Routon thought you might like a flashback to long forgotten ideas about "Motors from the past!!" (shouted out very loud as if an announcement ahead of the forthcoming B Movie about aliens shaped like pulsating globs of radioactive, virulent, man-eating jelly thingies, from space, kind of thing.

    Tellie Fenderman III Jnr. Editor, Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp - Partnered with Apex News)


    Motors From The Past


    Believe it or not, back in 2011, we entered a period known as The Quim Era (TQE). Yes, this curious phase was brought about by the creation of what was then The World's fastest electric GT car. The Quimera AEGT01 was a revelation, bringing electric motive power for race-cars out of the Scalextric Playground and onto the Motorland Racetrack.




    Not to be out-done Chevrolet around this time released news of their ground-breaking Methane Capture Technology (MCT), announcing the release of their Chevrolet Re:VOLT. One commentator was heard to quip, “The Chevy RE:VOLT is expected to hit dealerships in early 2013 and will bring new meaning to the age old phrase “Drive by the seat of your pants”.”

    The curious can find out more here: Revolting Technology :sick:

    Was this the inspiration for Methane Burners (MeBs)?:thinking:

    _____________________________________________________________________________​
    Brad Routon. Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp - Partnered with Apex News)8-)


    Still to come up in Part Three: Brad Routon looks at the Tech-Regs governing Drag Redirectional Energisation Gyroscopic Systems (DREGS).
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2014
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  7. RasputinLives

    RasputinLives Happy to be me again Contributor

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    APEX REVIEW

    Bringing you all you F1 Gossip needs!

    So a new season is upon us and the paddock is a buzzing with talk of whats to come. My name is Phill McCrack and I'm the F1 mole and I'll be bringing you all the latest gossip and talk.

    Lets kick off with the big news - SHAMPOO GATE - yes this is the reported argument between the 2 big names at Anthony Hamilton racing. In a PR stunt to bring in a title sponsor for the team both drivers, Martin Button and Ronaldo Alonso were both set to appear in a commercial for a well known shampoo brand but just before shooting the company announced they only wanted Ronaldo leaving Button left in the cold described as "not camera friendly". On hearing the news Nicole Hamilton team principle pulled the plug on the whole deal and forbid Alonso to take part in the campaign leaving Alonso not a happy bunny and severely out of pocket. Ronaldo is now illeged to have demanded to be allowed to be part fo the campaign otherwise he'll publicly reveal e-mails he has recieved from test driver Robo De La Loser about blueprints of this years Ferrari car that were secretly sent to AHR by smoke signal in order to help them constuct their own machine. Whether these e-mails exist or not we're not sure but Alonso was illegedly seen taking 1 bottle into the shower and not 2. Martin Button is quoted as saying "Ronaldo's a bit of a cock really".

    Arnold Van Der Ligen has once again tested positive for canabis use but has once again been cleared by the FIA of any punishment or ban after his lawyer proved without doubt that it wasn't a performance inhancing drug and in fact anyone who can pilot an F1 car to the level his client had done under the influence of canabis should actually be congratulated. The only comment in court made by Van Der Ligen was "I'm from Holland, isn't that vierd?"

    Al Ikea Islam number one driver and founder Sheikh Muhammad Al-Khalifa has declared a jihad on the media after recieveing such terrible write up's last season. He has said he will refuse to do any interviews until an official apology has been written over allergations he is 'slow and not worthy of his seat' - this media ban will extend to post race press conferences after quali and the race which Al-Khalifa says will really make his points. Others are doubtful as he's so slow he never makes it into the top 3 anyway so won't have the chance to boycott it.

    Meanwhile over at Skoda the new driver pairing has got off to a shakey start as it took tripple world champion Pedro Perfectelli 4 whole weeks to realise that new boy Karel Dzevsky was not just the coffee boy. Apparently it was 2 weeks before Dzevsky complained to the team that Pedro kept sending him out for Double Expresso's as before that he thought it was some sort of Mr Miagy style training technique.

    its the complete opposite over at Always-Skoda as after various media photos of Maria Senna and Mary Washington have been published showing them holding hands and even kissing both drivers have now come out publicly to reveal they are actually in a relationship together. Bernie Ecclestone is quoted as saying "this is exactly what the sport needs".

    finallly the new Mcdonalds team have been accused of supersizing the meal as this picture of John Richards was revealed.
    [​IMG]





    Richards has said that maybe he'd been taking a few to many "Free Samples" and that he had a lot of work to do before the season started.

    All this and we've not even started testing yet! Bring it on!
     
  8. teabagyokel

    teabagyokel #dejavu Valued Member

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    APEX SPORT - TESTING PREVIEW

    Welcome to Apex Sport for the preview of testing for the 2112 season. We are at the Circuit de Catalunya in Barcelona for the first test, which will be followed by a test at the Circuito Fernando Alonso in Oviedo a week later. The final test will be only two weeks before the Syrian GP at the Putinring in the Siberian wastelands of the USSR. FOM president Bernie Ecclestone has announced that the gulag has moved further from the circuit this year.

    TBY.jpg
    Ecclestone - pictured yesterday.

    So, what do the teams do at these testing sessions? We asked the technical director of Flabio Moda, Peter Simoncelli. "Well, we've got a whole new formula this year, so the Barcelona test is going to be mad. People are trying out all sorts of things on their car. We will be ensuring Andriy is comfortable with the car and is going quickly, and we will give Hideki a day or two as well."

    Not all the teams are running a similar programme. Al-IKEA Islam's number one driver, Sheikh Muhammad Al-Khalifa, will miss the Oviedo test to attend the opening of the UAE Parliament, so Lars Larsson will do the whole second test. HRT, of course, will not participate.

    Jackie Bolt will have her first experience of F1 in all four days of the first two tests for McDonalds, as they try to get John Richards in a fit state to fit in the car, but their liposuction machine is only big enough to make this possible by the Putinring test. Rumours that the fat will then be used for frying chips have been strenuously denied by the team.

    So what does a 19 year-old entering Formula One for the first time make of it all. Harkaitz Akuritaxpe, of Waltz F1, says he's just delighted to be here. "I'm just delighted to be here", Akuritaxpe told Apex Sport, "but for sure it is now that the hard work starts. Although many commentators are praying for me to fail, I am determined to make them mispronounce their eaten words. Tango have been very good to me, and I hope to repay them with excellent performances for Waltz and hopefully some day I will drive for their full team."

    So the tension is up, and now all there is to discover is who has the best car. Although we won't actually know until Q1 in Syria. Maybe not even then. But we have weeks of uneducated guesswork and speculation for you to enjoy before the circus arrives in Syria.
     
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  9. RasputinLives

    RasputinLives Happy to be me again Contributor

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    F1 2112

    Testing – Barcelona – Day One

    The much anticipated 2112 season of Formula one kickstarted with a whole barrel load of controversy in Barcelona as Anthony Hamilton Racing shot themselves into the headlines for all the wrong reasons as their brand new driver line-up decided to go to war. In a day when test driver Robbo De La Loser was due to take the car out for its debut it was announced last minute that Martin Button would be in the cockpit for the morning session. This so incensed Ronaldo Alonso that he decided to park his privately owned Fiat People Carrier in front of the garage door blocking the way so Button couldn’t leave to get on the track. Alonso then proceeded to swallow the keys to the people carrier in order to prevent it being removed. So Instead of spending the morning testing AHR spent the morning negotiating and feeding Ronaldo laxatives.

    Out on the track Russian racing legend and Yeti enthusiast Dimitri Shavnov became the first victim of Barcelona’s new 360 loop section when the gravity grip device on his Ferrari failed to kick in and his car plummeted to the ground below. Shavnov was completely unharmed but seemed angry with his team. He’s only been out there for 12 laps but the very ugly looking Ferrari with entire livery designed to look like a bar-code looked shaky at best.

    New kids on the block Mcdonalds Racing provided the spectators with a bit of a show and something to tell the kids due to an error on which driver they thought they would be running. Jackie Bolt was due to take the car out today but unfortunately due to a mis-communication the car had been set up for driver John Richards. Normally this would not be too much of a problem but because of Richards recent weight issue the car was massively underweight for the regulations when Bolt was in the car. The only solution the team could come up with for this problem was to weigh the car down by having 3 mechanics strapped on the side pods and engine cover when it took to the track. Never one to miss an advertising opportunity the team dressed up each mechanic as the Hamburgler and instructed them to wave as the car went round. Suggestions that they were “lovin it” have not been confirmed.

    The man topping the timings all day strangely is the only man we know will not win the world championship this year Lars Larson. It was confirmed last week that it is in Larson’s contract that he is not allowed to win the world title and in the event he is in any position to do so he must immediately retire his car from the race. Despite this though it was Larson in his AL Ikea that easily topped the timing sheets all day although Van der Liegen in the Tango and Perfectelli in the Skoda were clearly within striking distance.

    Anthony Hamilton Racing finally got a car out on the track on the afternoon session but unfortunately it didn’t end the controversy as their car was pelted with beer cans and rubbish by the fans as it went round the track. The controversy stems from the car being piloted by Robbo De La Loser. As widely reported in the press 3 years ago former F1 test driver Pedro De La Rosa was resurrected using cyborg technology in order for AHR to get the perfect test driver. Once this was achieved many teams attempted similar processes which of course led to the tragic death of 56 Mclaren mechanics in the infamous D.Hill0209 incident. Since then the creation of cyborg test drivers has been outlawed but AHR have taken the decision to still user De La Loser arguing that they are not breaking the rule as he is already in existence and is perfectly stable. It seems from this afternoon that decision has not gone down well.

    Mclaren themselves didn’t appear to have the best of starts as rookie Gilbert O’Rielly was heard over the team radio to tell his engineer to “feck off” right before losing it at turn 3 and damaging the car so much that the team could do no more laps that day.

    The big movers over the summer appear to be Always-Skoda and Minardi-Sauber-Williams. Maria Senna looked especially impressive even having time to blow kisses to her lover and team-mate Mary Washington every time she went past the pit wall. Toni Reichsmiller looked in ominous good form too finally looking like he has returned to a race winning car. We can’t take too much for granted as this only day one of testing and there is always a lot of sandbagging quite literally in the case of Hesketh as driver Lord Durham insisted a World War II type trench was built round the team garage with actual sandbags in order to “...capture the spirit of Dunkirk, 1966 and all that”

    Flabio Moda driver Yammamoto managed a grand total of 6 laps during the whole session all set on wet tyres bringing into question whether they are really taking the whole thing seriously.

    Times:
    1: Lars Larson (Swe) AL Ikea Islam. 1.15.435
    2: Arnold Van Der Liegen (Hol) Tango-Daewoo. 1.15.822
    3: Pedro Pefectilli (ITA) Skoda. 1.15.956
    4: Maria Senna (Bra) Always-Skoda 1.16.123
    5: Toni Reichsmiller (Ger) Minardi-Sauber-Williams-Ferrari. 1.16.189
    6: Barry Jones (GB) Waltz-Renault. 1:16.300
    7: Dimitri Shavnov (Rus) Ferrari. 1:16.412
    8: Robbo De La Loser (Spa) AHR – Renault. 1:16.678
    9: Gilbert O’Rielly (IRE) Mclaren-Ferrari. 1:16.867
    10: Lord Durham (GB) Hesketh-Cosworth 1.17.103
    11: Jackie Bolt (Jam) Mcdonalds Racing Team. 1.17.300
    12: Hideki Yammamoto (Jpn) Flabio Moda Daewoo. 1.22.604
     
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  10. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    Technical Glossary has been updated with this:

    LATE ADDITIONS:

    Gravity Grip Device (GGD) - This is a safety device (fitted to all cars by edict of the FIA Safety Group (FIASG) ) which is designed to be automatically enabled when a car is travelling too slowly, therefore lacking downforce, on steeply banked or loop sections of race tracks. All circuits ( by edict of the FIA Safety Group (FIASG)) now incorporate Magnetic Anti-Levitation Devices (MALD) in sections of track where lack of downforce is likely to result in a car falling off of the track. These were introduced following a spate of accidents at the Trafalgar Square circuit back in 2035.

    Magnetic Anti-Levitation Devices (MALD) - similar to Maglev technology only acts in reverse. Whereas Maglev works on the principle of electro-magneticially induced repulsion MALD works on the principle of electro-magnetically induced attraction.

    FIA Safety Group (FIASG) - Dictatorial bunch of Health & Safety Nazi's (originally instigated by the European Union Safety In Sport Inspectorate (EUSISI) also known as Eurosissies) who are scared excrementless of the Litigation Culture Advanced Guard (LCAG).

    Brad Routon. Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp - Partnered with Apex News)8-)
     
  11. RasputinLives

    RasputinLives Happy to be me again Contributor

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    F1 2112
    Testing – Barcelona – Day Two

    Day 2 of Testing kicked off with Pedro Perfectilli giving his new junior team-mate a lesson in attitude. Perfectilli has made a big thing in the press about giving his new rookie team-mate Karel Dzevsky equal track time in the new Skoda so was only running for the morning on day two but made sure a message to the rookie was sent by being first out in the car and putting in an amazingly quick time that wasn’t to beat all day. A warning sign to all that Perfectilli and Skoda are still the team to mark yourself by.

    Lars Larson had been the benchmark the day before but his second day got off to a bad start when on his first lap out of the pits his rear wing fell off the car. He managed to bring the AL Ikea car back to the pits where it was discovered that the mechanics had forgot to attach bracket G to station Z with bolt Y because someone had spilt ribenna on the self-assembly manual. Larson did get out in the afternoon and set some good times during long runs.

    Roberto Ontario ended up with a whole day of testing instead of just the afternoon as team-mate Arnold Van Der Liegen could not be found when testing began. Apparently he was last seen skipping into the town centre singing “Puff the Magic Dragon” and has not been seen since. Ontario made use of the time though and like Perfectilli before him fired a warning shot to the other teams that even with the new regs that last years front runners are still the one’s to beat.

    The Piquet brothers were to provide the entertainment for the day when Nelson Piquet V spun his shaky looking Ferrari off at turn 6 only for his brother Ronaldo Piquet to spin his Hesketh-Cosworth off in exactly the same place and crash into his elder brother’s Ferrari. The comedy was completed when the 2 brothers came to fisticufts after Nelson realised his Ferrari would not be fixed quickly and apparently accused his younger brother of always deliberately ruining everything he did. Marshall would have broken up the fight but as it consisted of hair pulling and an attempted wedgie they just stood by and laughed instead.

    One team who is not laughing is Anthony Hamilton Racing as their driver war continued to get worse. Ronaldo Alonso was the driver for the day and his early runs certainly seemed ragged and off the pace, this was explained later when it was revealed that Martin Button had managed to hijack the team radio and was randomly shouting rude words down in order to distract Alonso. Apparently every error was met with a cackle by Button and a shout down the radio of “You can’t even drive!!!!”. Alonso returned to the pits and refused to get back in the car until Martin Button was at least 5 miles from the circuit.

    Dzevsky took to the track for Skoda in the afternoon and we were finally able to see what the hype was about as he set an impressive set of times on various long runs and short runs and spent most of the afternoon trading quick times with Toni Reichsmiller in the Minardi-Sauber-Williams. Roberto Ontario spent most of the afternoon in the pits for Tango after a run in with Harkaitz Akuritaxpe of the Waltz junior team. Akuritaxpe appeared not to see Ontario closing behind him and pulled across him in the braking zone damaging his front suspension and nose cone. Akuritaxpe had the good sense to look embarrassed and received an earful from Tango boss Hooler ‘Oranges’ Hanahan.

    Mclaren finally had something to smile about as Jack E. Chan finally made some progress by putting in some fairly competitive times for once. Not many smiles were raised though as MP37 Executioner Lord Ron Dennis’s appearance in the garage create a whole level of nervousness in the Mclaren garage. Ron’s adopted title has been very appropriate ever since the sacking of Martin Whitmarsh in 2025 for only having won 9 world titles and 12 constructors titles in his time as principal. Since them Mclaren have never even won a race and are averaging 2 team principles a season. Most famous of those was former driver Lewis Hamilton who after only 4 Grand Prix in charge and 4 non-qualifications was thrown out of Lord Dennis’s personally space shuttle without a spacesuit despite having the perfectly reasonable excuse of Ron having not provided any money for the team to run engines.Current team boss Viki Quieter was visibly shaken by him being there.

    At the back end of the grid Flabio Moda actually put in some decent laps with driver Andriy Karamalitinenko at the wheel. They even out paced the new Mcdonalds team over the day. Mcdonalds driver Jackie Bolt seemed very downbeat and confessed the car had handled better when it had mechanics strapped to it like yesterday.

    With acid rain and fumes smog expected tomorrow this could be the last useful day of the test but as weather predictions come from the JosTheBoss weather company we expect them to be wrong more often than now.
    Times:

    1: Pedro Pefectilli (ITA) Skoda. 1.14.556
    2: Roberto Ontario (ITA) Tango-Daewoo. 114.873
    3: Lars Larson (Swe) AL Ikea Islam. 1.15.100
    4: Karel Dzevsky (Cze) Skoda. 1.15.158
    5: Toni Reichsmiller (Ger) Minardi-Sauber-Williams-Ferrari. 1.15.189
    6: Ronaldo Alonso (Spa) AHR-Renault 1.15.633
    7: Jack. E. Chan (Chi) Mclaren-Ferrari. 1.15.970
    8: Mary Washington (USA) Always-Skoda. 1:16.287
    9: Harkaitz Akuritaxpe (Spa) Waltz- Reanult 1:16.666
    10: Nelson Piquet V (Bra) Ferrari 1:16.878
    11: Ronaldo Piquet (Bra) Hesketh-Cosworth 1.17.238
    12: Andriy Karamalitinko (USSR) 1.17.400
    13: Jackie Bolt (Jam) Mcdonalds Racing Team. 1.17.763
     
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  12. Jen

    Jen Here be dragons. Contributor

    HowDo?
    An advert for the well-loved and much-admired magazine for all trivia lovers are pleased, nay, ecstatic to present enlightening pieces on various members of the current Formula One season (2112, I believe, although a hack can never be sure about theses things).

    There are so many characters involved in F1 today, it is difficult to know where to start - so let's start with an indepth and slightly patronising piece on Lord Durham, the number 1 driver for his grace, the umpteenth Baron Hesketh who, incidentally lost his seat in the one-time second chamber of the one-time United Kingdom as a result of very unfair legislation that outlawed hereditary peers - boo, yah!!

    Needless to say, Lord Durham, an ancestor of that well known historical figure and former frontman for 'The Frozen Turkeys' has also been ostracised by the current establishment and changed his name, by deed poll, from Jack to Lord in 2110 - more to come on this and other developments in the full piece - published in the 'next day or two'.

    Following on from tales of the 'one-time' aristocracy will be another gripping story of true love which encompasses the realms of mundanity - Maria Senna and Mary Washington, drivers for Always-Skoda will be revealing their truly inspiring love story, their wedding plans and their idea for a perfect honeymoon.

    So many drivers and principals to cover over the upcoming season.

    HowDo? would like to point out that it is not connected to the 'Rooters' Group in any shape or form and, at the end of the day, they are totally separate. HowDo? merely stepped up to the plate and grasped a piece of the action, going forward. Enjoy!!
     
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  13. RasputinLives

    RasputinLives Happy to be me again Contributor

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    APEX REVIEW


    It may have escaped no one's attention that Apex Review has been off the air for sometime now and we are please to finally be back. You may remember we were due to give you coverage of Day 3 of the Barcelona test which the news reported was cancelled due to heavy acid rain. Whilst we would not contradict the news of the heavy acid rain Apex Review can now report there was far more than meets the eye to the cancellation of the test

    As already stated F1 is due to visit Syria this year much to the surprise of the political world. The main supporter behind this move seems to be UN member and F1 driver Sheikh Muhammad Al-Khalifa who does stand to make massive profit from his tourist business in Syria if the Grand Prix goes ahead. We can now report that his team AL-Ikea Islam were targetted by Syrian Robotic workers just before the start of what was to be test day 3 in Barcelona and a sit in of the Al-Ikea Islam team garage was in place with Syrian Androids who had travelled to Barcelona in order to carry out their protest for Robotic rights.

    After this protest started the local Spanish authorities decided to take action using the Acid Rain as cover for why the testing was not taking place and the Syrian Robots were removed with 'extreme force'. This event just happened to be filmed and witnessed by and Apex Review cameraman and was immediatly dispatched to us her at Apex Centre it was due to this that an injunction was put against our channel until the tape itself was destroyed. We stayed off air fighting this case as long as we could but eventually the UN Court ruled against us and were obliged to give up the evidence. However we did succeed in removing the injuction and being allowed to broadcast our version of events. We would just like to state our support here at Apex Review for Android and Robotic rights and hope that you like us will join with them in supporting the march to all Ai equality. The day the Skynet system gets free reign and rights to be what it wants to be we are sure will be a great day for all.

    After that serious message we would just like to assure you that normal service on reporting the F1 will ressume starying with the upcoming test at Ovidea. Personally I can't wait!
     
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  14. Jen

    Jen Here be dragons. Contributor

    HowDo? would like to apologise to all those readers who have been eagerly awaiting our initial piece on Lord Durham.

    We had several appointments set up, all of which he missed due to 'other commitments'. We have now tracked him down to a clinic in Barcelona where he is recovering from his involvement in the Robotic riots which crippled the 3rd F1 test. His exact involvement is unknown - however, HowDo? is aware that it had quite a lot to do with a large tab at the Gaudi Hotel and ensuing brawl.

    His PR person described him as "physically intact, but emotionally drained" and added that Lord "is hoping to be present for the Ovidea test".

    Perhaps we will catch up with him then!
     
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  15. teabagyokel

    teabagyokel #dejavu Valued Member

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    APEX SPORT - OVIDEA TEST - DAY ONE REPORT

    It was in honour of Fernando Alonso that the city of Oviedo became the city of Ovidea, but at the Circuito de Alonso his descendent Ronaldo Alonso had a bad day. His AHR did not emerge from the garage all day, with certain wags speculating that Martin Button had nicked the key.

    With the Constructors Champions out of the picture, Skoda were top of the timesheets again. This time, however, it was Karel Dzevsky setting the times while Pedro Perfectelli was breaking the autograph signing World Record in the stands. He was just faster than Roberto Ontario, who was utilising the Tango team's new Fizzy Drink Fizz Energy Recovery System (FDFERS).

    Always seem very fast this year, with Mary Washington setting good pace on the long runs. She was third fastest on her glory run to, although Maria Senna was not at the track today to see her team-mate/girlfriend so successful. Also without a team-mate was Lars Larsson, who was sixth after his hot runs were interrupted in the low gravity sectors because his Low Gravity Cushon Based Dampening System (LGCBDS) was not installed in the car. Khalifa was at the state opening of the UAE's Parliament, surrounded by oddly shaped cushions on his throne...

    Dimitri Shavnov's day for Ferrari was "unremarkable and successful", he told Pravda Sport. He was fourth ahead of Kulapo Lakepi of Minardi-Sauber-Williams, whose day was not helped by his crash at the end of the session. He crashed into the AHR pitwall, but fortuanately everyone was at the time looking under the carpets in the motorhome for their car key.

    Harkaitz Akituraxpe was booed every time he went out on the circuit after his unflattering comments about the non-Basque part of Spain, and it was this or his lack of FDFERS that consigned him to eighth.

    McLaren had a farcical day, with Gilbert O'Reilly showing good pace on a green track early on, before he got into a row with team principal MP37 Executioner Lord Ron Dennis. Dennis claimed he could go faster than O'Reilly, so O'Reilly threw a strop and told him to do so (in no uncertain terms). Due to his physical disability (being a set of badly-designed robotic arms attached to a robotic brain of pure obsession) Dennis was unable to come near anyone else's time, while O'Reilly finished 7th, which amused him greatly in the tapas bar he had decamped to.

    McDonalds finally showed some pace through Jackie Bolt, who was ninth. John Richards, meanwhile, is locked in the hotel with no food for the duration of the test as it is getting marginal whether he will make it to Syria.

    That leaves two challengers. Lord Durham's new Hesketh has a rather novel Kneeling Chauffeur Pedal Pushing Driver Assistance System (KCPPDAS); although its legality was "confirmed" by "how slow it was". FIA President Arnold Feexeet claimed that no team would ever protest it unless they were "human rights nuts or something". Yamamoto's two laps for Flabio Moda were only faster than Dennis.

    TIMES - DAY ONE

    1. Karel Dzevsky (CZE) Skoda, 1:46.210
    2. Robero Ontário (ITA) Tango, 1:46.589
    3. Mary Washington (USA) Always, 1:46.920
    4. Dimitri Shavnov (USSR) Ferrari, 1:47.782
    5. Kulapo Lakepi (TGA) Minardi Sauber Williams, 1:48.012
    6. Lars Larsson (SWE) Al Ikea Islam, 1:48.322
    7. Gilbert O'Reilly (IRL) McLaren, 1:48.344
    8. Harkaitz Akuritaxpe (ESP) Waltz, 1:48.433
    9. Jacqueline Bolt (JAM) McDonalds, 1:48.822
    10. Lord Durham (GBR) Hesketh, 1:52.431
    11. Hideki Yamamoto (JPN) Flabio Moda, 1:53.298
    12. MP37 Executioner Lord Ron Dennis (GBR) McLaren, 2:56.390
     
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  16. Fenderman

    Fenderman Rooters Reporter

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    APEX SPORT 2112

    Rootersport's 2112 Formula Wonderful Tech Rumour Special ......................... Part Update

    OVIDEA TEST - DAY ONE

    Some new innovations and some innovative use of old innovations surfaced at the Oveada Test. Brad has updated the glossary and reveals here what he found out about the new tech' the teams have been trying out.

    Technical Glossary has been updated with this:

    NEW ADDITIONS:

    Fizzy Drink Fizz Energy Recovery System (FDFERS) – New-hat energy recovery system being pioneered by Tango F1 (Tango-Daewoo). When “Mythbusters 2112” aired an episode of clips from their early years on the “Rediscovery Channel” featuring the Mentos tablet in Diet Cola experiment, it is said that a light bulb started to glow on a Tango engineer’s head. After several months in the laboratory and many litres of a very strong coffee later he emerged with a new technology.

    We believe that a diet version of Tango (the drink) is retained in a pressurised vessel somewhere on the chassis of the Tango (the car). The drink is then fed into a mixer tank where it is combined with a refined and augmented version of Mento (the mint flavoured confectionary tablet). The result is a high pressure gaseous substance that is channelled to vanes on the flywheel of the Tango’s (the car) Kinetic Energy Recovery System. The energy fed into the System Charging System (SCS) is thus increased by an as yet undisclosed amount.

    Low Gravity Cushion Based Dampening System (LGCBDS) – During transitional phases from inverted sections of a circuit back to the horizontal, driver and car experience a momentary loss of gravity. Some teams have incorporated special dampening cushions on areas of the car to limit the amount of movement and control the direction of movement of parts in those areas, including the drivers arms, hands, legs and head. These systems have to be individually tuned to each car and driver taking into account variations of body shape and mass to ensure a perfect fit. At the extreme a catastrophic failure of such a system can remove a driver’s extremities from the controls (i.e. steering wheel, shift paddles, foot pedals, etc.) with a subsequent total loss of control. Thankfully there has only been one such failure in history when Mirling Stoss cashed in his chips in the disastrous 2035 championship race on the Trafalgar Square Tunnel Circuit, Loondon.

    Low Gravity Sector (LGS) – elevated and twisted sections of a circuit where car and driver experience momentary zero or close to zero G. The phenomenon is caused by the transitional phase as the car transits the inverted loop sections of track on return to the horizontal (i.e. right way up) sections.

    The phenomenon was first discovered (Wiki probably thinks) and utilised by The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) in the early 20th Century. NASA was a quaint little space outfit in what was once a country called America, that is credited with landing the first men on The Moon in 1969. Using Boeing 707 aircraft, NASA would prepare their astronauts for zero gravity by taking the plane up to its near maximum ceiling and throwing it into a steep dive thus inducing a period of nil-gravity.

    Kneeling Chauffeur Pedal Pushing Driver Assistance System (KCPPDAS) – debuted in Lord Durham's 2112 Hesketh challenger, this device is actually a very small man in a grey suit and flat cap located in the footwell of the car. There is still some debate over the legality of the device but it has been allowed for testing purposes and will be evaluated by FIA Stewhards prior to the season opening race.

    Brad Routon. Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp - Partnered with Apex News)8-)

    Still waiting for Part Three: Brad Routon looking at the Tech-Regs governing Drag Redirectional Energisation Gyroscopic Systems (DREGS). These have still not been written apparently.
     
    Brogan, teabagyokel and Jen like this.
  17. teabagyokel

    teabagyokel #dejavu Valued Member

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    38
    APEX SPORT - OVIDEA TEST - DAY TWO

    Ronaldo Alonso managed to get a run in the AHR team today, but they seem to have lost some of their prior sharpness since the banning of the MANG. They were only fourth in the day's running.

    The leader was Lars Larsson, whose early morning pace was enough to see him top the timesheets even with his afternoon dramas when his Al-IKEA Islam fell apart in the garage when Tab B became unaffixed to Tab A and he could not run. Pedro Perfectelli was also not running in the afternoon after setting the day's second best time, moving aside because his rookie team-mate Dzevsky may have needed the time, and to do a spontaneous presentation on behalf of Skoda's sponsors. Dzevsky was third.

    Eric Williams-Sauber saw MP37 Executioner Lord Ron Dennis set a time the day before, and decided he'd like to do similar. After setting a time just under a minute faster than Dennis, he sensibly handed over the car to the fifth-best of the day, Toni Reichsmuller.

    Sixth was a happier Jack E. Chan, who could ignore the Executioner since he was having a row in a pub near the circuit with the feisty O'Reilly. A distracted looking Maria Senna was seventh for Always, and she bolted from the track at 3pm, leaving Soviet pay driver Tina Rachtova to pootle around to fourteenth position.

    Arnold van der Liegen had a disappointing morning with a broken FDFERS and could only finish eigth, finishing just ahead of the promising Welshman Barry Jones of Waltz, who had requested that all team radio be referred to him by the Gwent Valleys Male Voice Choir. This was made possible with Waltz' new Male Voice Choir Co-ordination Autocue (MVCCA), which is not in any way innovative. But, hey, this is F1.

    Ferrari were not-overly disappointed with Nelson Piquet V's 10th place, which was at least ahead of the brother he collided with at Turn 3. The nose cone was dented and the chauffer in his Hesketh had to be taken to hospital, leading to the immediate banning of KCPPDAS. Ronaldo finished the day in 13th.

    He was behind Flabio Moda's Andriey Karamelitenko, who was surprisingly behind the ever-improving Jacqueline Bolt of McDonalds. Rumours that John Richards escaped the hotel to get to a steakhouse have been squashed by the team management, who suggest that "John would not go to a steakhouse, but to McDonalds where he could get a Big Mac meal with fries and a drink for only €2.99."

    CTA.png
     
  18. RasputinLives

    RasputinLives Happy to be me again Contributor

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    55
    APEX CHAT

    Apex chat caught up with Tango driver Arnold ‘Smoky’ van der Liegen:

    So Arnie yet another controversial year for you last season with a lot of people saying your results last year should be removed and you should be banned from the sport.

    Not a lot of people! Just fascist people! I do what I do and I’m not hurting anyone by doing it am I? So I like a smoke and a pancake so what? People don’t realise that I’m actually handicapping myself here and thats my choice. If a man who needs glasses chooses not to wear the glasses no one minds do they? No one says thats morally wrong, they say its his choice to handicap himself. So whats the difference between that and me smoking da herb that slows down my reaction times and driving an F1 car? Nothing ! Wogwan!

    But what about the people who say that by smoking ‘da herb’ and driving an F1 car is setting a bad example for kids?

    Those people are fools! As if kids can afford to drive F1 cars!

    So you’re nickname is Smoky, some say this is because of your love of ‘da herb’ but others say its because of the way you light up the tyres when you leave the pits. Which is it?

    Neither. Its because for 24 years I’ve been living next door to Alice

    So from the testing times so far it appears Tango will be on the pace again this season. Are you confident?

    Well you should never really read too much into testing times but yeah myself and Roberto (Ontario) are loving the new car. I might even try for the championship this year.

    So you and Roberto Ontario get on well as team-mates then?

    Obviously there is competition between us but as people we get on as great friends. We like to play practical jokes on each other. Roberto started it last year when he kept going to the team manager and demanding that he remove “That freaky deaky stoned Dutchmen from his garage and stop him spying on my set-ups”. It was proper funny he played the whole thing out on 4 different occasions and really stayed in character looking proper mad. It really was hilarious. I got him back though by putting that sex tape of his mum online. He swears he’ll get me back but I’ve got my eyes open!

    So other than your team-mate who’s the driver you’ve got your eye on this year?

    Oh thats easy. Maria Senna. She’s ass hot spankable!

    We meant as in who do you think will challenge for the title.

    Right. Well Perfectilli looks like he means business and I’m always looking in my mirrors for Reichsmuller!

    You think Reichsmuller might be your main rival?

    Possibly but its mainly because I owe the dude money. Toni seriously rinsed me in a game of Monopoly.

    Finally if you weren’t a Motor Racing Driver what would you be in life?

    I’d probably work in a shoe shop or something

    And would you happy doing that?

    I don’t know. What are the hours?
     
    Brogan, Josh, soccerman17 and 2 others like this.
  19. teabagyokel

    teabagyokel #dejavu Valued Member

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    38
    APEX SPORT - OVIDEA TEST - DAY THREE

    Yet again, the third day of a Formula One test had to be abandoned after "issues". Only Lars Larsson of Al-IKEA Islam had set a time (of 1:44.832) when the AHR car of Martin Button caught fire spontaneously on the main straight. The Englishman was able to scramble out of the car, but the marshalls found themselves unable to extinguish the fire.

    Reports from Ovidea and from AHR HQ in Stevenage suggest that the AHR combusted due to a loose electrical cable which ignited the fuel in the fuel tank. Button confirmed from his Ovidea Hospital, where he is receiving treatment for mild burns, that the fire erupted as he hit his KERS button for the first time.

    It took 14 hours to put the fire out, as AHR mechanics initially refused to tell the marshalls what the substance known only as "Chemical X", which is a key component of AHR's fuel, actually was. The marshalls were required to sign a confidentiality pact before being allowed to start working out what could possibly counteract Chemical X. Eventually, a newly-patented Dyson Vacuum Fire Extinguisher was shipped in from London to deal with the situation.

    The FIA and the Formula One Safety Group (FOSG) met to discuss Chemical X today, but eventually decided to pay the Dyson family a small fortune for some VFEs. They also reprimanded Tango driver Arnold van der Liegen, who had appeared by the fire, trying to light what appeared to be a spliff.

    "I don't know how it happened, but AHR need to seriously consider the use of Chemical X in their fuel," said FOSG spokesman Toni Reichsmuller, "I hope we can deal with this before the final test at the Putinring".

    However, the Ovidea authorities have pulled out of hosting the Spanish Grand Prix later in the season to focus on "rebuilding the track". The search for a new venue has begun in earnest.

    "At least its not Trafalgar Square again", said a relieved Reichsmuller.
     
  20. Jen

    Jen Here be dragons. Contributor

    As we move on to testing in Putinring; once again, poor old Earnest gets it in the neck - metaphorically and physically.

    Siberia in March is not the most welcoming of places, but can point up the problems for all teams when faced with sub-siberian temperatures and uncooperative tyres. The snow ploughs had been out revealing a fairly green track and the 'hotel' opened for all participating personnel. The best thing was the copious quantities of vodka available - although nothing near a 'branded' variety -however, Lord Durham was in his element.

    The first day offered up a relatively mild day - minus 2 - and there was only a thin film of ice on the track, thus negating the need for 'wets'.

    With little wind and increasing daylight, the teams got to grips with the prevailing conditions, although some were a tad worried about performing to their best whilst wearing three sets of gloves.

    The first run was opened by Karel Dzevsky (Skoda) who amazed the onlooker by circuiting the track in 2.35.09, quickly followed by Durham (2.38.00). Testing was then brought to a temporary halt, as the guards from the local gulag lead their charges across the track to the quarry on the outskirts.

    However, not to be upstaged either by prisoners or rivals, Sheikh Al-Khalifi (Al-IKEA Islam) brought in a stunning lap of 2.34 05, closely followed by a sterling effort from Jaquinta Bolt (MacDonalds). Dimitri Shavnov (Ferrari) proved to be in his element and caned it with a blinding lap of 2.25.03.

    As dusk was falling, all teams expressed their gratitude for the opportunity to test in such an exacting climate and their thanks to the tyre provider PIMIBR, as no snow treads were needed.

    Reichsmuller again expressed his thanks "at least its not Trafalgar Square" and the KCPPDAS thought he had the better deal, despite his banning at Ovidea.

    What will tomorrow bring? The weather forecast, brought to us by Jos the Boss VII, suggests balmy temeperatures - surely that will be test for the new tyre compounds? Could the teams have to use the purple with green strip compounds?
     
  21. Jen

    Jen Here be dragons. Contributor

    So, day two of testing unfolds at Putinring. Everyone is up and ready for daybreak at 11.30am BST, all are 'double-togged', even the drivers, and, especially the KCPPDAS (who has now been given the all clear by the FIA, a sympathy vote, I believe). As Joss suggested, today is expected to be a little balmier (its all relative!) with an air temperature of 3 degrees. However, and despite the warming rays of the Sun, the track temperature remains at -10c.

    The first out on the purple with green stripes is backmarker Kirtan Kakari (HRT Cosworth); well out of his comfort zone, as you can imagine bearing in mind his home country. He produces a not-to-shabby 2.33.67, surprisingly a personal best in testing - when asked by the journo who turned up, "How did you manage that?" - Kakari answered, "I was in a rush to get indoors".

    Flabio Moda-Daewoo and their drivers Andriy Karamalitinenko and Hideki Yamamoto looked good for a few seconds, until they came together at turn 6. Turn 6 is in a bit of dip and doesn't get any rays from the Sun, so was particularly slippery - one has to ask what was the team doing putting them both on the same bit of track at the same time?

    However, the stars of the show were Martin Button (smooth driver in all weathers!) and Ronaldo Alonso (a charger, if ever I saw one!) (both from AHR-Renault). They both clocked a time of 2.24.96, thus putting Ferrari well in their place. Shavnov could not respond and didn't manage to better yesterday's time.

    Maria and Mary decided to go out in a two-man tub, if only to keep warm! Beforehand, Maria was seen to place her handbag just in front of the lollipop man - all the better to practice pit-stops, apparently.

    Durham and van der Liegen both attempted getting in their respective cars, but didn't quite make it (falling at the last hurdle, so to speak) - we can only assume that they aren't coping with the extreme temperatures very well!

    The only spectator spotted on day one turned out to be a 'shepherd of hardy creatures' and was again present today, although there were one or two fewer creatures and suspect that they might form the major part of tomorrow's farewell supper.

    Light disappeared by 1.30pm, so what is this test site showing us? If a GP is to be rescheduled here, timing is of the essence, unless we go for a Singapore look-a-like and whack in the floodlights.
     

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