Montezemelo's Revenge

The office at the top of Maranello tower. An Italian man in glasses enters the room, as his boss swivels around in his huge backed chair.

SD: Forza Ferrari!
LdM: Forza Ferrari! What was it you wanted, Stefano?
SD: A few things. First, we've noticed Mike Coughlan hanging around the bins again.
LdM: Give him one of our dossiers.
SD: That nearly didn't work last time, Luca, are you sure...?
LdM: If Williams are on the pace next year, the Place de la Concorde will find out about it.
SD: OK, second, Rob is getting irritated by the team strategy.
LdM: Tell him we can bring back Badoer if he's not happy.
SD: Do we really want to hamper our second car that much?
LdM: Quite frankly, Stefano, you need to hamper second cars more. Did you see that mess in Germany last year? It should not happen again. If I see that Brazilian fool ahead of Fernando again there will be trouble.
SD: Of course, sir.

They are interrupted by a small work-experience boy.

SWEB: Mr di Montezemelo, Ron Dennis was on the phone for you.
LdM: Did you take a message?
SWEB: Of course, sir.
LdM: What was the message?
SWEB: I have no idea, sir.
LdM: Tell him I'll return his correspondence forthwith.
SWEB: Of course, sir.

The boy leaves the room, almost colliding with a brash Yorkshireman holding a glass to the wall.

LdM: Was there anything else, Stefano?
SD: No, sir, everything is fine.
LdM: One more thing. Win us the Belgian Grand Prix.
SD: Yes, sir.
LdM: With Alonso
SD: Of course, sir.

 

[teabagyokel]

Snoozing in his office, Luca is woken as his door flies off the hinges

LdM: Forza Ferrari?
RS: Oi, Luca, what's bloody going on?
LdM: Erm... Can I help?
RS: Whats this about only employing Felipe for comedy?
LdM: Did I say that?
RS: You're quoted as saying that by Rooters! So, whats your explanation?
LdM: Felipe is an important part of the Ferrari family.
RS: Codswallop! You're undermining Felipe again...
LdM: No, Rob, not at all, no, no. He's been with us for 5 years, we stood by him in his injury and we kept him when others would have sacked him.
RS: What do you mean, others would have sacked him?
LdM: I was talking to, erm, Flavio. He said he'd have sacked him, and Patrick Head told me I was mad to keep him.
RS: But...
LdM: Would he rather be in the #2 role or no role at all?
RS: But...
LdM: Would he rather be in Fisi's role?
RS: Where is Fisi? I haven't seen him in a while!
LdM: He's off shooting a promotional video somewhere. Fiorano, if I recall correctly.
RS: Oh, right! But I don't think you're treating him fairly.
LdM: Of course we are, but aren't you heading to Spa?
RS: Yeah, I'm off now!
LdM: Fantastic!

Rob leaves the room, suitably fobbed off. Luca dials up Rooters News, angrily.

LdM: Hello! (waits) Yes, I want to be put through to the editor! No, I won't be put on hold. I AM LUCA DI MONTEZEMELO! Hello! Editor? Yes, I saw your story. Yes, there's something wrong. Yes, what I said about Felipe, there is something wrong. That should read "said team principal Stefano Domenicali". See to it! Why should you? Because I AM LUCA DI MONTEZEMELO! (Luca hangs up.)

In to the room enter Giancarlo Fisichella and the Ferrari Film Director!

FFD: We've done 85 takes of "Giancarlo around Turn 3", is that all?
LdM: Lets see the film!

Each take is played, showing Fisi perfectly Clipping the Apex of Turn 3 every time, wearing Alonso's helmet!

LdM: No, Giancarlo, its not right!
GF: Why? I do everything you ask for.
LdM: You just don't quite look like Fernando.
GF: Eh? I drive the best I can.
LdM: Maybe the camera would be better on Turn 1.
FFD: I can see it, it will be fantastic!
LdM: Say about 90 takes of "Giancarlo around Turn 1" tomorrow?
FFD: Yes, yes!
LdM: Can you do some shots of telemetry, as well?
FFD: But you'd need the car to be hooked up!
LdM: Hadn't thought of that! Maybe we'll have to run it - almost - like a test session!

Luca winks at both men present, hoping the idiots have got the point.

GF: But we're not allowed to do a test session.

It is at this point that Luca realises he's in for a long, long, night...

 

[teabagyokel]

Monday mornings recently have become a chore for Luca, as he meets Stefano amongst the team down at the Delivery Bay. The usual package, marked "for Luca di Montezemelo only" has arrived.

LdM: Forza Ferrari!
All Present: Forza Ferrari!
Delivery Guy: Sign here, sir!

Luca signs as he looks up at the usual truckload of cans.

LdM: The note says the usual, I presume?
SD: Yes! "To express our thanks that you finished behind us. Peace and Love, Dietrich!"
LdM: Send a crap engine to Faenza, would you?
SD: Aren't all the engines we send to Faenza crap?
LdM: I don't know. I suppose so. Make them worse. Anyway, I haven't heard your progress report for the race.
SD: OK. Qualifying, terrible, 8th and 4th. Race, much better, 4th and 8th.
LdM: I'm glad we improved so much.
SD: Indeed.

Walking back towards Luca's office, they take a detour.

LdM: Do you reckon the other teams recieve all those cans of that disgusting drink?
SD: Well I've heard some of the engineers we poached from McLaren talking about disgusting drink, but on further enquiry it turned out to be pomegranite smoothies.
LdM: How is the McLaren engineer poaching going?
SD: I think we need more than the food. They've apparently started a "Sub Optimal Nourishment Provision Reintroduction aiming at the Outcome of Optimal Morale".
LdM: I'm sure we can think of some scheme to poach a few more of McLaren's staff.
SD: By the way, where are we going?
LdM: To the storeroom.
SD: Why are we going there?
LdM: Because I'm sure Smedley just heard me describe the weekend's improvement as an improvement, and I thought it'd just save time if you carried a new door to my office before I get there.
SD: Right.

 

[teabagyokel]

Stefano arrived outside the door of Luca's office. Well, he looked around and saw what remained of Luca's office door, anyway.

SD: I'm not sure you're helping your cause with all these broken doors, Rob.
RS: Sorry, I just saw this note adressed to you on the door.

Forza Ferrari, Stefano!

I can't be here at the moment because I'm trying to find Fernando. For some reason, he's in Bermuda and I'm not totally happy with the situation. Anyway, he's not failed to turn up to a Grand Prix yet!

However, he has failed to win Grands Prix before, and I'm sure its not down to a lack of skill on his part. The energy drink lot shouldn't be fast at Monza, so I can't imagine what your excuse could possibly be if Fernando was to not win the Italian Grand Prix. There is an Italian team principal returning from a life ban this winter, don't make it your job he takes.

If Smedley's read this note, repair the door before I get back. And win the Italian Grand Prix!

Yours threateningly,

Luca

Stefano punched the door himself. He was fed up of these expectations; he walked in just as Ferrari stopped writing the rules and was expected to achieve the same success. It was so unfair. And he was on his own, its not as if anyone else had to put up with this.

SD: Luca and his damn expectations. And I have to source all his new doors... He keeps going on about running three cars, he doesn't even run two...
MW: All the time its spanner audits. I'm not even allowed to spend time with my driver's father...
CH: Helmut bloody Marko. Should be called Helmut Seb-o.
EB: If Danny Bahar calls me Colin one more time...
RB: Nick doesn't have a bloody clue how to run a bath never mind an F1 team...
MG: He tells me "find a second", "find a second". And I have to tell the press I've done it...
AP: Oh, so its all my fault, isn't it Patrick? You do it with no money...
JB: Of course, Richard, I'm not getting rescued by Nicole Kidman, am I?
CK: A more Spanish feel? We can't get sponsors from Spain unless we sign Alonso...

The tragedy was, none of them realised they were all in the same boat...

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca returned from the Delivery Bay. Who knew they could get the cans delivery down to Maranello by Sunday night? It was a special delivery due to the proximity of Monza. Where Red Bull weren't fast. A small man in glasses entered the room, looking suitably chastened.

LdM: Forza Ferrari!
SD: Forza Ferrari, sir.
LdM: Your excuse?
SD: Erm... maybe... we not fast enough!
LdM: Any mitigation?
SD: Well, we did our best to screw Massa on Saturday with the whole tow-monkey business!
LdM: True enough. How do we improve?
SD: Maybe we change second driver?
LdM: No! He's uselessly perfect!
SD: Well, McLaren have a decent second driver, he's even 9 points clear of Lewis...

This scandalous suggestion enraged Luca. After the Raikkonen farce, Stefano had been asked to cut this out. He checked his diary to see when Flavio was available. Fernando said he'd be a great team principal.

There was a knock at the door. In entered a small work experience boy, leading Adrian Newey.

AN: (mutters) That door is not aerodynamic enough.
LdM: Hi Adrian! I invited you in for discussions on future rules!
AN: Current rules will be sufficient.
LdM: But surely you know they are stifling competition.
AN: They will be sufficient.
LdM: Right, let me talk to Stefano. We will use "Ferrari Code", as I'm sure you can understand.
AN: A sensible precaution.

Both men grab their Scuderia Ferrari Code Book.

LdM: Their car is faster than ours. Can you confirm you understood the message?
SD: Yes. My opinion is similar to yours. Can you confirm you understood the message?
LdM: Yes. The rules are more difficult to change than previously. Can you confirm you understood the message?
SD: Yes. Our options are more limited than usual. Can you confirm you understood the message?
LdM: Yes. Fernando is faster than Seb. Can you confirm you understood the message?

There was a wry grin from Newey, who was eavesdropping while finding a faster solution to their drinks fountain. Christian would be no doubt interested in some of these ideas. Meanwhile the Ferrari men were back on their previous discussion.

SD: Yes. Button is worth hiring. Can you confirm you understood the message?
LdM: Yes. McLaren are more in possesion of him than us. Can you confirm you understood the message?
SD: Yes. Their pot plants are unhealthier than before. Can you confirm you understood the message?
LdM: No idea. But lets cease this discussion.

LdM: We should have a meeting to discuss the rules further?
AN: OK. End of the year fine?
LdM: Fine. Good luck!
AN: Good luck to you!

Adrian left the Ferrari compound. It didn't worry them, even if they did write the rules Ross and Rory had left so Luca would have no idea what to write. He was off back to Red Bull. Christian's office filing cabinet was quite slow these days, that could do with a redesign... Until he was interrupted by a man in a balaclava, whom he had expected to meet earlier!

AN: Is it "Deep Esophagus"?
"DE": Aye.
AN: What do you need?
"DE": I need a Ferrari redesigning for my driver.
AN: How much are you willing to pay?
"DE": 50 million Brazilian reais.
AN: Right, Rob... erm... Deep Esophagus. Can do.
"DE": OK
AN: Where's the money coming from?
"DE": You don't bloody want to know...

Could Deep Esophagus' plan work on a dark night in Singapore...

 

[teabagyokel]

There is a knock on Luca's door. He admits Stefano, who must have news of his latest project.

SD: Forza Ferrari!
LdM: Forza Ferrari! News of your reasonably equal number 2 driver project?
SD: Stalled. Button, new contract. Webber, new contract. Hamilton-

Stefano is interrupted by a strangled shout from the direction of Fernando Alonso's office.

SD: -other issues. Rosberg is staying put too, apparently. Kubica is still in hospital and Vettel-

It always confused Stefano why Fernando's office was right next to Luca's and so spacious compared to his...

SD: -other issues. So thats out.
LdM: So Massa will still be in the car until young Sergio reaches maturity.
SD: Talking of the car, there's something odd about Massa's car...
LdM: How?
SD: It suddenly looks a lot less like the other one! Think Smedley's got his team to adapt it...
LdM: We still have the third car they won't let us enter, don't they?
SD: Yes.
LdM: Well, we can't trust Smedley's lot. Incinerate the adapted car.
SD: Yes, sir.

Several hours later, Felipe enters the office.

FM: Forza Ferrari!
LdM: Forza Fernan... erm... Forza Ferrari!
FM: Why have you incinerated my car?
LdM: It was adapted by your race engineer.
FM: Yes, he said. Something about paying Newey to design it. Anyway, I've been thinking about this new one-year contract extension and I'm happy to continue.
LdM: Excellent! It has been a pleasure to have you in th- [It hits him] Paying Newey to design the car?
FM: Yes!
LdM:

Luca runs down to see Stefano standing over the charred remains of a Red RB7 which had just come out of the Ferrari Incinerator. He breaks down crying.

Meanwhile, in Milton Keynes, Newey is redesigning Christian Horner's desk drawer when he suddenly gets a phone call from "Deep Esophagus". He looks up at Christian and laughs!

AN: And you said it would be a risk to give Ferrari one of our cars. I knew they'd destroy it!
CH: Yeah, no, erm, well, you were right again Adrian.
AN: A celebratory beer in order?
CH: Yeah, no, yeah.

The two of them open a can of "Red Bull Beer WARNING: Irritant! " and look out the window. The engineers match of Aussie rules football had just ended with a win for Vettel and his team of engineers, and much finger pointing was occurring.

CH: Reckon Mark will ever find a sport where he can beat him?
AN: Anyway, here's that Brazilian money for the Red Bull corporate wallet. What an inefficient briefcase, that could do with a redesign...

 

[teabagyokel]

A big shout out to Road of Bones before today's post.

The Head of Driver Recruitment hadn't been up to the tower since the Fisichella/Badoer farce and was not sure he was welcome. But Luca had called...

LdM: So, send a threatening message to Stefano, telling him he better win the Singapore Grand Prix. Mention we're having a look at his #2 driver idea!
Minion: Yes, sir.

He leaves, bowing and scraping a little too confidently for Luca's liking.

LdM: Forza Ferrari!
HoDR: Forza Ferrari, sir!
LdM: Have you collected the references from Mr. Button's previous employers?
HoDR: Of course, sir. Except McLaren, of course. My sources say Mr. Whitmarsh would be "distraught" at even the mooted prospect.
LdM: So, lets hear them.
HoDR: A constant thread appears. Dave Richards described him as a pro driver, (he breaks here to put "tee hee" in brackets), but warns you not to let his Dad near the pot plants.
LdM: A slightly strange ending:
HoDR: Our old friend Ross has described him as "like Michael, much better than Rubens in a dominant car, but don't let his Dad near the pot plants".
LdM: This is a serious worry. What about his other boss at Honda, Nick Fry?
HoDR: Ross left a note about him. He's sent him to give his reference personally.
LdM: I haven't seen him.
HoDR: Thats because Ross gave him the address of Ferrari World in Abu Dhabi, hoping he wouldn't realise for a while and, I quote, "let me get on with running the bloody team".
LdM: So, what about that old stager Sir Frank.
HoDR: Patrick Head has replied saying, "He's a good driver. Two warnings: make sure that your contracts with him are watertight, and if his father is around making your pot plants watertight may also be wise".
LdM: There is a theme emerging. Is that all?
HoDR: There are two more. The head of Head & Shoulders has said he's great. He's a mate. He wins in every debate-
LdM: Thats quite enough of that. One more you say...
HoDR: Yes. A discordant note.
LdM: Only Flavio left, isn't there?
HoDR: Have a look, I'm not sure you'll believe me...

The Head offers Luca the letter...

Hey, Luca, my old mate.

You wanna sign Button? Well, you already got Fisi, and I didn't think he was as good as Fisi. But, it has to be said, I liked having his Dad around. He's the only guy who's ever beaten me at a pissing contest. Not too often though, eh?

Yours flamboyantly,

F. Briatore

 

[teabagyokel]

In an office in Singapore, an Italian man listens to the message his voicemail machine is recording.

We've lost another Championship. Both of them. Its five races to the end. You are an idiot! I can't believe I employ you. I'm not sure I'll continue to. Anyway, ring me back!

Stefano decided he'd ring him back later. Much later. A small, angry man walks into his office, followed by a much calmer man.

FM: Have you seen him?
SD: Who?
FM: Hamilton.
SD: This is the Ferrari paddock!
FM: Where is he?
RS: Felipe, baby, calm down!
FM: He ruined my race and he...
RS: Felipe, let me deal with this...! I'm off next door...!

Rob left the room. Felipe followed afterwards as Stefano picked up his phone.

Hi Martin. How are you? ...Yes, fine. ... Wonderful! ... Well, Rob is heading round to find Lewis... Probably a good idea... Well, quite... Are you sure he's a number 2 driver?... Fair dos... I wouldn't use the word 'steal'... We have every right to contractual negotiations with Mr. Button... OK... Anthony Hamilton's apparently got a possible driver too, you know. Quite an intriguing concept, sounds Italian, but isn't and he's apparently really good and, according to Anthony, grateful... What?... I can't say I like the idea of "McLaren's Got Talent"... I can't see Ron as a reality TV judge... No... not an obvious fit... Ha! Ha! I see what you mean... "Strictly Come Driving"? Haha!... Anyway, see you round... Good luck with the Championship... Yes, I'm being sarcastic, byeee!

He always got on with Martin. And that was not the only Ferrari-McLaren co-operation, Stefano saw, as he watched Smedley walk down the pitlane arm-in-arm with John Button.

In the McLaren motorhome, Lewis sat down with his usual late night apple juice. And he'd thought Massa would have tried to get back at him...

Again, I wouldn't plagarise RoB, but I just have to cover the story...!

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca walked around his deserted factory. The cars were on their way to Japan straight from Singapore. Maybe if he didn't come in on Sundays, then there'd be more people about... Anyway, he'd been unable to contact Stefano, so he could try this new-fangled e-mail thing.

Forza Ferrari, Stefano.

Suzuka? That too difficult for the team as well, is it? Eh? Win it! I'm losing Patience.

Luca

That should do it, he thought, as for the first time ever the traditionalist clicked "Send". He never wanted to use his e-mail account, management should be about looking suarve, threatening people and demanding things from Bernie.

Suddenly, Luca heard a noise and checked the swipe card log. There was no-one clocked in. An intruder. "Security", he shouted. No-one replied. Luca wondered if it was Coughlan. Again!

Anyway he was the boss. He'd have to go and apprehend the intruder.

Luca lifted the man out of the bins.

LdM: What were you searching for, Eddie?
EI: Maybe some of my self-respect, ya bastard!
LdM: How dare you talk to me like that!
EI: I talk to everyone like that!
LdM: That doesn't answer my question!
EI:
LdM: Just understand this is Maranello. I have Security Guards.
EI: I bribed them!
LdM: But what were you looking for?
EI: Some details. Some... evidence.
LdM: Evidence of what exactly?
EI: You know what, Luca. And I'll prove it. And then I'll party like its 1999!

 

[teabagyokel]

[Knock, Knock]

LdM: Enter!
NF: Hello, Luca, fellow Formula One heavyweight of the motorsport variety.
LdM: What the hell do you want, Fry?
NF: I have hand delivered the reference you wanted for Jenson Button!
LdM: He's resigned for McLaren!
NF: Resigned from McLaren?
LdM: Look, we're actually speaking, how could you have got confused with that?
NF: Ross often asks me how I get confused with quite simple concepts?
LdM: Like what?
NF: "Get out of my bloody office!", being the most usual.
LdM: OK, right...
NF: I do have to question your reference for Michael, by the way Luca.
LdM: Do you now?
NF: Yes, we at Mercedes have found little evidence of him "being able to win an F1 race in a wheelbarrow!"
LdM: Thats because you built a car slightly slower than the new Ferrari F780 Wheelbarrow!
NF: That would explain it!
LdM: Is there anything else?
NF: I'm sure two heavyweights of the motorsport variety could find something to talk about motorsport wise.
LdM: Get out of my bloody office!
NF: What do you mean?
LdM: Security!

Fry was dragged out of Luca's office by burly security men. Luca decided to ring Ross to warn him his pet corporate was returning. And anyway, he needed to ring Ross to make sure that the vulgar Ulsterman would be unable to find even a shred of evidence for what occurred in 1999...

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca had called in his head of PR. He walked in, bedraggled, and wondered how it was his responsibility that Irvine had, after 12 years, found out...

LdM: Forza Ferrari!
HoPR: Few connotations with that, lets go with Hello!
LdM: OK! How've you been?
HoPR: Difficult time. Briefing Rob on what to say over team radios and such. Thats a full time job if ever there was one.
LdM: Right! How's the "Third Car Campaign"
HoPR: We can't do that, because of our lax commitment to running a second car.
LdM: I suppose that does somewhat undermine the point.
HoPR: What was it you wanted to see me about, I've flown all the way from Japan for this!
LdM: Irvine has learned of Mission Schu2K
HoPR: Right...
LdM: How are we going to smooth this over in the public arena?
HoPR: Is this even in the public arena?
LdM: It could be, if Eddie's mouth is at its usual velocity!
HoPR: OK. Right, I'll ring Rooters.
LdM: What will you put out!
HoPR: Let me deal with it, Mr. di Montezemelo.
LdM: OK, just because you dealt with Germany so well...

The Head of PR was glad Luca liked him. He was also glad Luca didn't read papers written outside of Italy as well...

 

[teabagyokel]

SD: Telegram for you from the Bunker, Rob!
Smedley reads it!
RS: Come on, boy, lets destroy him!
FM: Lewis?
RS: No. Get me the phone.
[dials] Hello! Is that Ferrari world? Hi, its Rob! ... OK, great. Can you do me a favour?... Yes, you know the minimum height restriction? ... It could do with being just a little higher!

 

[teabagyokel]

The Head of Internal Telephony headed into Luca's office to pass a message on...

LdM: Forza Ferrari!
HoIT: Forza Ferrari!
LdM: Why are you here?
HoIT: Problem with your phone, says Mr. Domenicali. He says he's been ringing you all day and he couldn't get through.
LdM: I think I understand what happened there.
HoIT: He has left a message for you.
LdM: What is it?
HoIT: He says "Fernando really is faster than him!"
LdM: OK, see you later.

Adrian Newey is chaperoned into the office as the phone engineer (still at heart) looks at the connections to Luca's phone to see what was wrong. Little, it seemed, but he liked Stefano enough to pretend a quick fix...

LdM: Adrian, decided to sign for Ferrari?
AN: No, Luca, on delivery duty from Dietrich.
LdM: I thought you were working on the new Red Bull?
AN: I'm not just a workaholic!

Sometimes Adrian wondered if Ferrari realised he was having a look at their cars when sent to Maranello on spurious pretexts.

AN: No, Dietrich has sent you, in this rather inelegant can, something he's sent for to all the teams.

Adrian passed Luca a can of Red Bull Champagne Toxic in large quantities marked "from the Constructors Champions"!

LdM: I need some advice, by the way!
AN: From me?
LdM: Yes.
AN: Fire away.
LdM: You know these number 2 drivers who find "evidence".
AN: Is this Irvine?
LdM: Ye- How do you know?
AN: You denied it in Rooters!
LdM: I'm going to sack that PR guy. Anyway, how did your lot deal with, you know - Coulthard. Webber.
AN: Who do you mean?
LdM: Coulthard, Webber.
AN: No, do you mean Williams, McLaren or Red Bull having DC as a number 2.
LdM: Any, really. Particularly 2001, as a matter of fact.
AN: Well we didn't stop DC charging for the title!
LdM: Really?
AN: That situation resolved itself.
LdM: Oh, right.
AN: But we all know about what happened to Eddie, his "drop in form". Like in Sepang...
LdM: Yeah, we built a deliberately illegal car, admitted it and the FIA cottoned on.
AN: Well, all I know about stopping a guy winning a title...
LdM: Yes...
AN: ... is if your other car has his only challenger, and its got Jacques Villeneuve in it, it isn't going to work, however spiteful you are, Patrick!

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: Forza Ferrari!
SD: Forza Ferrari, sir!
LdM: I wanted to talk to you about India, I know nothing about it!
SD: Well it has a population of 1.21 billion people...
LdM: How many Italy's is that?
SD: About 20!
LdM: How come I've never heard of India in a sporting sense?
SD: Erm, they're only successful in hockey and cricket...
LdM: Pah, I don't like cricket...
[Music from outside]: "I love eet!"
LdM: What was that?
SD: I don't know, but I suspect someone has been waiting for you to say that!
LdM: Have them sent to the dungeons!
SD: Of course, sir!

The musical intermission over and the 10cc fan dispatched to the dungeons, Luca and Stefano could get to talking about the race!

LdM: So, how are you going to win India?
SD: Win it? My aim was to get on the podium...
LdM: Get on the podium? Pah! We're Ferrari!
SD: Yes, and we're slower than Red B-
LdM: How dare you say we're slower than anybody else...
SD: But the ca-
LdM: Well if the car is slower, it is because of the lack of excellence in this team. It seems the only two of us pulling our weight are myself and Fernando!
SD: But, sir-
LdM: You could learn from Fernando.

Stefano got an idea in his head at this point. He turned from the desk, stormed out of the room, saying just loud enough so that Luca could hear him:

SD: I give up!

 

[teabagyokel]

The head of communications walked in.

HoC: Forza Ferrari!
LdM: Forza Ferrari
HoC: P2 results, sir!
LdM: (takes one glance) What have I told you about practical jokes?

 

[teabagyokel]

Lewis looked out of his window to the rolling vista of Swiss countryside which calmed him down when he woke up of a morning. And it wasn't there...

LH: What the frick? Someone has nicked my view!

The phone rang.

Voice: Hello! I'm looking for Lewis Hamilton!
LH: Speaking!
Voice: Thats what you get for crashing your car.
LH: Look, Rob, this isn't fair! And what the frick did you do?
RS: It took Felipe's whole team and a lot of digging!
LH: You've built a mound up to my bedroom window!
RS: No, across the whole house. We don't do things by halves at Ferrari!
LH: How come you only run half an F1 team then?
RS: What?
LH: You know, there's Fernando's half and ... well, you run half an F1 team!
RS: You cheeky bugger...
LH: Funny that, Felipe doesn't tend to run into the back of me, does he? Not really quick enough?
RS: Our car is slower than yours...
LH: Maybe you should have a word with him on the team radio... [mocks Yorkshire accent] "Don't forget to avoid a collision!"
RS: There will be repercussions for this, Hamilton, you watch!

Lewis was quite proud of how he handled that, though he was going to have to tell Ron that he didn't receive the copy of "Conflict Resolution for Dummies" through the post.

Anyway, he could always call on a few favours from his old mates. He was back on the phone...

LH: Hey, Nico.
NR: Hi, Lewey! Do you think we should suggest the Championship ends after quali?
LH: No, can't see them going for that. Bernie would go spare.
NR: Pity, I'm having Red Baron related Sunday problems...
LH: Yeah, I know what you mean! Can you do me a favour?
NR: Yeah...
LH: Well, you know you've been talking to Ferrari?
NR: Yeah...
LH: If you get that job, make sure you make your race engineer's job difficult will you?
NR: Oh dear, what's Smedley done now?
LH: He's sort of built a mound around my house!
NR: Right, OK, well I know a guy with a bulldozer in Switzerland. And maybe I'll go down to Maranello today to really freak Felipe out.
LH: Thanks! See ya!
NR: See ya!

All that was left to do was to wait...
[...]

Michael strictly had come out of retirement, so wasn't doing the gardening any more. But he did want an opportunity to use the old "landscaper" again...

 

[teabagyokel]

Luca hated meeting with journalists...

LdM: Sir, I believe you have a copy of my demands.
J: Yes, yes, very interesting.
LdM: I'm sure you'll agree that we are vital to F1!
J: Of course, Luca, of course...
LdM: We were there for the first race, you know...
J: Erm, well, Luca, the fact is that Ferrari did not enter the 1950 British Grand Prix...

"Damn it", thought Luca. He really hated intelligent journalists.

LdM: Well, I'm sure you can see the point of the three car demand.
J: Erm, I can see why three cars would be a good idea.
LdM: Yes...
J: But it does seem to me that it would make more sense coming from, say, McLaren...
LdM: McLaren
J: Well, pardon me saying so, sir, but Ferrari scarcely run two cars...
LdM: OK, time for you to leave! SECURITY!

Well, that went badly. God only knows what kind of joke of an article that git is going to write. Oh, and the head of PR had told him turfing journalists out of his office had been a bad idea. That time he threw Jake Humphrey out, he'd wondered what the consequences could possibly be...! Well, he wouldn't make that mistake again because Eddie's ... ahem ... extraction had been a somewhat painful procedure.

In entered the small work experience boy - sorry - now small admin guy.

LdM: Forza Ferrari!
SAG: Forza Ferrari! Phonecall for you, Mr Luca!
LdM: Who from?
SAG: Mr Ecclestone.
LdM: You took a message?
SAG: You were busy, sir!
LdM: Whats the message?
SAG: Mr Ecclestone say, "What you think you doing you bloody lunatic, you come to bunker and we see what bloody bigger, Ferrari or F1, and I can flog 12 types of merchandise now so three cars my arse."

Luca put his coat on. He needed to meet King Bernard I.

 

[teabagyokel]

LdM: Forza Ferrari!
SD: Forza Ferrari!
LdM: Today I feel more content, Stefano.
SD: I'm glad to hear it!
LdM: A straightforward gladiatorial fight between two real racing teams always cheers me up! There is only one dissatisfaction, of course, but at least we've stopped Vettel's charge.
SD: I'm not sure we've stopped his charge?
LdM: No, of course not.

Through the open door, a member of staff at Ferrari World entered the room.

MoS: Forza Ferrari!
LdM: Forza Ferrari!
MoS: Sir, what should I do with this Tyre Shredder Kerbing you ordered be placed at Turn One.
LdM: We don't have any Tyre Shredder Kerbing. Seems like the sort of thing, say, Mark Webber would do.
MoS: I understand, sir!
SD: Will we get away with it?
LdM: No worries, we're Ferrari!

Three hours later, in the Red Bull pits:

CH: You wanted to see me, Mark.
MW: Yeah, some member of staff at Ferrari World gave me this.
CH: Tyre Shredder Kerbing. I knew something was wrong.
MW: How could they have known Seb would be first over it?
CH: (sarcastically) Yeah, its a real mystery!
AN: That really is inefficient Tyre Shredder Kerbing. Here, if you just sharpened this and...
SV: So, do we get back at them?

Christian opens a parcel marked "F.A.O. Luca di Montezemelo" he's about to put in the post!

MW: Haha, thats bonzer!
SV: Thats what I'm talking about.

Waiting in Luca's office when he returned was a DVD. Red Bull Racing: How We Became Champions and How Childish Italians in Red Couldn't Stop Us.

 

[teabagyokel]

It confused most of the Ferrari hierarchy that Luca actually sat down to watch Red Bull Racing: How We Became Champions and How Childish Italians in Red Couldn't Stop Us. Luca's rationale was that maybe some Red Bull secrets had been inadvertently put on to the DVD, but he was brought to a juddering grid by the conclusion to the DVD!

CH: So we celebrate our second success. By the way, Luca, if you're watching because maybe some Red Bull secrets have been inadvertently put on to the DVD, they haven't. It would take a really amateurish team to give another team their secrets, especially in, say, a neatly prepared dossier. So, we'll move on to our Seb Finger massage!

So Red Bull wouldn't leave their secrets neatly pre-packaged, eh? Luca chuckled and phoned Horner.

LdM: So you reckon it would take an amateur team to leave all their secrets pre-packaged?
CH: No... yeah!
LdM: So what do you say about that front wing you left at Monza?
CH: Yeah... no... well, it hasn't got into the hands of another team, has it?
LdM: Yes it has, amateurs!
CH: I knew you bastards had got that front wing!
LdM: What?
CH: Well, anyway, we're going to go to the FIA about this!
LdM: You can't prove anything!
CH: We record our calls for, ahem, what was it... oh, yeah... "training purposes"!
LdM: Is there anything we can do to stop you going to the FIA?
CH: Well, as a matter of fact, we're open to negotiation on the RRA!
LdM: OK, right, we'll talk!

After a deal was thrashed out, Horner returned to the RBR boardroom!

CH: The DVD worked.
(Cue cheers all round)
AN: Its a nice design, based of course on the flow of hot air.
DM: Hot air?
AN: Yes, from Luca's mouth!
(Cue laughter)
SV: So is that a victory for Red Bull?
DM: Yes, OK!

Seb walks to the nearest camera and raises his finger to it. An e-mail is immediately sent to Maranello. Luca opens the file and cries. Dominicali is going to pay for this!

 

[teabagyokel]

Stefano was meeting with the Head of Conference Organisation...

SD: I presume you booked the venue I requested for our End of Season Review meeting?
HoCO: Yes, sir, of course I did!
SD: No problems?
HoCO: Some of the staff were wondering why that particular location?
SD: What's wrong with the location?
HoCO: Surely Northampton is not the most obvious place for a Ferrari meeting?
SD: Just want to rekindle some memories with the journey?
HoCO: There is another little problem I need to tell you about...!
SD: I'm sure it will be fine...

The Head of Conference Organisation was never willing to ignore a senior manager, but he wondered if he knew how far Northampton was from Milton Keynes...