So it's time for my annual character assassination of the good, the bad and the ugly of F1 in 2014.
I'm sure one or two of you might have noticed that the season was dominated by one car but, better than 2013, two drivers. In the end Lewis Hamilton came out as the Champion and declared it his "Greatest Championship Ever" whilst Nico Rosberg went back to whichever country he claims to be from this week to cry into his beer. It must be a bit galling for the boy as he won 4 more races than his dad did in his championship year and was still runner up.
We had the delights of the new turdo engines. It was strange hearing them in real life as they were quieter than the GP3 cars and GP2 sounded more like F1 should but you can't halt progress can you (?). We also had what must be some of the ugliest cars to grace F1 cars since the 1970's. Both Ferrari and Mercedes created vacuum cleaner attachments whilst the rest of the grid just bolted a dildo on to the front to make it long enough. I say the rest, Lotus decided to pursue a "radical" route, so radical it was crap, and Red Bull produced probably the best looking car and then bolted probably the worst engine into the back of it.
So let's take a look at Red Bull. A new, shining star was born in Daniel Ricciardo, who was there to pick up the pieces when the Mercedes fell over. Meanwhile his 4 times Champion team mate took to the new formula like a 3 year old on his first bike ride without stabilisers. Oh how the mighty are fallen, we didn't have a single finger celebration for you bunch of ugly mugs to moan about and Seb got so upset he left to go to Ferrari at the end of the year.
Now I've mentioned Ferrari, were they the most disappointing team of 2014? They had two of the most experienced drivers on the grid and having insisted that "Ferrari don't make 4 cylinder engines" went on to produce a really shitty V6. Well done them, at least they still have the jewel in the crown, Fernando Alonso, for 2015, taking a shit box Ferrari to places others could only imagine. Well, places Kimi Raikkonen could only imagine anyway. Oh wait, Fernando has buggered off to McLaren and taken his 6/10ths with him. Remember Jenson, Fernando is faster than you!
Back to the front, we had the Nico Rosberg reverting to type (based on previous experience with Germans trying to win the WDC) using all the dubious tactics he could to try and beat Lewis Hamilton. But Lewis won! Hooray! Two World Wars, one World Cup and one Formula One World Championship, Doo Da, Doo Da, as they shall now chant on the football terraces. We were all waiting for Lewis to implode, and he had some sulky moments during the season, but then we had Spa-gate or Front Wing-gate or whatever gate suffix it ended up with, and Nico was summoned to the Head Masters Office after the race and given a damn good thrashing. So at the next race Nico duly cocked up his race just so that Lewis wouldn't cry and tell Uncle Niki that Nico was being nasty to him and wouldn't let him win.
What else went on? Williams and McLaren had the best engine on the grid but decided that it wasn't a good idea to beat the factory Mercedes cars in case Toto Wolff annexed Stow corner before sending the Panzers off to Woking and Grove. By Williams standards this was a stunning season. I suppose anyone who can build a car good enough to get Felipe Massa on to the podium must be doing something right. I also think I have worked out why Valtteri Bottas wasn't there to pick up the pieces when Mercedes failed. That enormous noggin' must slow the car down in a straight line surely? Is there a list anywhere of the helmet sizes each driver wears? He must be right at the top, two or three sizes above the next man down.
Jenson Button has held on to his seat at McLaren by the skin of his teeth whilst Kevin Magnussen has been demoted to boot polisher and general skivvy at the MTC. KMag (as we all must call him) had a great start with a 3rd second place in Australia and then decided his reputation was secure so didn't bother doing much at the rest of the races. JB drove the McLaren round and everyone other than Ron Dennis noticed he wasn't doing a half bad job in a pretty crappy car. As punishment for doing well RD made him wait until all the other seats in F1 were taken before telling him he could driver another crappy McLaren in 2015 and, just to help things along, they were getting rid of the all conquering Mercedes engines as they wouldn't want to win anything as that's not McLaren's style these days.
Force India didn't have a bad season and McLaren refuge Sergio Perez even managed a podium. Everyone's second favourite driver still scored nearly twice as many points as him though. Oh when when will Nico Hulkenberg get a top drive? Never is my guess but then I never thought Will Stevens would ever drive an F1 car. In fact, when he turned up in an F1 car I didn't even know who he was.
Over at Red Bull junior Jean Eric Vergne was given the boot for doing well and out scoring his team mate by about 3 to 1 but Red Bull goes great with Vodka (so I'm told) so the marketing men at RB decided they had to have some Russian lad in the team, and then moved him up to the main team when Sebastien decided he could no longer take Christian Horner's waffle. Or maybe it was because Seb wasn't asked to be best man at Chrissy's up coming nuptials with Ginger Spice, who knows. Seb got a stuffed bull as a leaving gift, I suspect this will be put in the spare room of his holiday house.
Next year we have the offspring of Jos Verstappen and Carlos Sainz in the Toro Rosso's, one of whom is only 16 years of age. I wonder how much STR's insurance premium has been loaded or if the insurance company will require a tracker to make sure he doesn't driver over 70. Could be a problem in Singapore if the race starts after the night term curfew.
There were other teams but, frankly, they were so bad it's hardly worth mentioning them. In fact two were so bad they won't be back for 2015. At least we have got rid of that spotty oik Max Chilton. How can a man of 23 still have acne?
I know I said I wouldn't mention the bad teams at the back but Sauber had the worst season the team has managed in it's history in F1. Lawyers eh, is there anything they can't do? Well run an F1 team for a start.
One final thought, we had the worst accident we have seen in F1 for many a year and Jules Bianchi (who took a stunning 9th place at Monaco) is still not well. Here's hoping you make a full recovery Jules but I suspect we will never see you in an F1 car again, which is a shame.
I'm sure one or two of you might have noticed that the season was dominated by one car but, better than 2013, two drivers. In the end Lewis Hamilton came out as the Champion and declared it his "Greatest Championship Ever" whilst Nico Rosberg went back to whichever country he claims to be from this week to cry into his beer. It must be a bit galling for the boy as he won 4 more races than his dad did in his championship year and was still runner up.
We had the delights of the new turdo engines. It was strange hearing them in real life as they were quieter than the GP3 cars and GP2 sounded more like F1 should but you can't halt progress can you (?). We also had what must be some of the ugliest cars to grace F1 cars since the 1970's. Both Ferrari and Mercedes created vacuum cleaner attachments whilst the rest of the grid just bolted a dildo on to the front to make it long enough. I say the rest, Lotus decided to pursue a "radical" route, so radical it was crap, and Red Bull produced probably the best looking car and then bolted probably the worst engine into the back of it.
So let's take a look at Red Bull. A new, shining star was born in Daniel Ricciardo, who was there to pick up the pieces when the Mercedes fell over. Meanwhile his 4 times Champion team mate took to the new formula like a 3 year old on his first bike ride without stabilisers. Oh how the mighty are fallen, we didn't have a single finger celebration for you bunch of ugly mugs to moan about and Seb got so upset he left to go to Ferrari at the end of the year.
Now I've mentioned Ferrari, were they the most disappointing team of 2014? They had two of the most experienced drivers on the grid and having insisted that "Ferrari don't make 4 cylinder engines" went on to produce a really shitty V6. Well done them, at least they still have the jewel in the crown, Fernando Alonso, for 2015, taking a shit box Ferrari to places others could only imagine. Well, places Kimi Raikkonen could only imagine anyway. Oh wait, Fernando has buggered off to McLaren and taken his 6/10ths with him. Remember Jenson, Fernando is faster than you!
Back to the front, we had the Nico Rosberg reverting to type (based on previous experience with Germans trying to win the WDC) using all the dubious tactics he could to try and beat Lewis Hamilton. But Lewis won! Hooray! Two World Wars, one World Cup and one Formula One World Championship, Doo Da, Doo Da, as they shall now chant on the football terraces. We were all waiting for Lewis to implode, and he had some sulky moments during the season, but then we had Spa-gate or Front Wing-gate or whatever gate suffix it ended up with, and Nico was summoned to the Head Masters Office after the race and given a damn good thrashing. So at the next race Nico duly cocked up his race just so that Lewis wouldn't cry and tell Uncle Niki that Nico was being nasty to him and wouldn't let him win.
What else went on? Williams and McLaren had the best engine on the grid but decided that it wasn't a good idea to beat the factory Mercedes cars in case Toto Wolff annexed Stow corner before sending the Panzers off to Woking and Grove. By Williams standards this was a stunning season. I suppose anyone who can build a car good enough to get Felipe Massa on to the podium must be doing something right. I also think I have worked out why Valtteri Bottas wasn't there to pick up the pieces when Mercedes failed. That enormous noggin' must slow the car down in a straight line surely? Is there a list anywhere of the helmet sizes each driver wears? He must be right at the top, two or three sizes above the next man down.
Jenson Button has held on to his seat at McLaren by the skin of his teeth whilst Kevin Magnussen has been demoted to boot polisher and general skivvy at the MTC. KMag (as we all must call him) had a great start with a 3rd second place in Australia and then decided his reputation was secure so didn't bother doing much at the rest of the races. JB drove the McLaren round and everyone other than Ron Dennis noticed he wasn't doing a half bad job in a pretty crappy car. As punishment for doing well RD made him wait until all the other seats in F1 were taken before telling him he could driver another crappy McLaren in 2015 and, just to help things along, they were getting rid of the all conquering Mercedes engines as they wouldn't want to win anything as that's not McLaren's style these days.
Force India didn't have a bad season and McLaren refuge Sergio Perez even managed a podium. Everyone's second favourite driver still scored nearly twice as many points as him though. Oh when when will Nico Hulkenberg get a top drive? Never is my guess but then I never thought Will Stevens would ever drive an F1 car. In fact, when he turned up in an F1 car I didn't even know who he was.
Over at Red Bull junior Jean Eric Vergne was given the boot for doing well and out scoring his team mate by about 3 to 1 but Red Bull goes great with Vodka (so I'm told) so the marketing men at RB decided they had to have some Russian lad in the team, and then moved him up to the main team when Sebastien decided he could no longer take Christian Horner's waffle. Or maybe it was because Seb wasn't asked to be best man at Chrissy's up coming nuptials with Ginger Spice, who knows. Seb got a stuffed bull as a leaving gift, I suspect this will be put in the spare room of his holiday house.
Next year we have the offspring of Jos Verstappen and Carlos Sainz in the Toro Rosso's, one of whom is only 16 years of age. I wonder how much STR's insurance premium has been loaded or if the insurance company will require a tracker to make sure he doesn't driver over 70. Could be a problem in Singapore if the race starts after the night term curfew.
There were other teams but, frankly, they were so bad it's hardly worth mentioning them. In fact two were so bad they won't be back for 2015. At least we have got rid of that spotty oik Max Chilton. How can a man of 23 still have acne?
I know I said I wouldn't mention the bad teams at the back but Sauber had the worst season the team has managed in it's history in F1. Lawyers eh, is there anything they can't do? Well run an F1 team for a start.
One final thought, we had the worst accident we have seen in F1 for many a year and Jules Bianchi (who took a stunning 9th place at Monaco) is still not well. Here's hoping you make a full recovery Jules but I suspect we will never see you in an F1 car again, which is a shame.
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