F1 2112

Fenderman · 22 May 2012

APEX SPORT 2112

Rootersport 2112 Formula Wonderful Tech Rumour Special ......................... Part Three

Editorial

Well we’re well into testing season and it has been very interesting to say the least. We’ve all been on tenter hooks waiting to see who has adopted what on the technology front. Trying to get a peep under the skins of the new cars has been a challenge worthy of a championship in its own right and Brad Rooton would be well on the way to a gold medal by now. Such has been his audacity, tenacity and downright cheeky sneakiness. In this the last and most long awaited of the Tech Rumour Specials, Brad reveals what he has unearthed in pit lane and some other places, where, if one wants to get down and dirty, apparently one can find out the secret of anything. We never knew that hanging out around the Portaloo’s could be so interesting.

Tellie Fenderman III Jnr. Editor, Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp)

New Motors For F1 2112 - No.3

It’s been almost impossible getting to see what a Flywheel Kinetic Energy Recovery System looks like. The teams using this version of KERS technology have been mighty successful in hiding it from view. The fact that it is buried deep in the bowels of the drive train might have something to do with that, so I have resorted to a little historical investigation. Well as it happens Williams F1 pioneered the FKERS back in the 21st century through their subsidiary outfit Williams Hybrid Power (WHP).

Photo courtesy of Williams Hybrid Power. Find out more about this historically important company here: http://www.williamshybridpower.com/

WHP successfully tested the technology almost in secret by installing it in a type of vehicle, now consigned to museums, called an omnibus. These things were used to transport large numbers of people around before the dawn of the age of Personal Transport Bubble Trains (PTBT’s). Yes, it is amazing to think that once upon a time, a mere one hundred years ago, humans had to suffer being transported like edible livestock! Anyway, I digress.

Here is a picture of an omnibus, just in case you have never blown away precious blipvert time in a museum, or worse, a book!

This one appears to be called an Arriva. Transportation Historians suspect that this is because people had to wait for long periods in order to catch one and then they would all arrivatonce. Linguistic Historians suspect, also, that this is actually the origin of the modern word “arrivatonce” which we now believe started life as three separate words – arrive, at and once.

Rootersport can also reveal that European Minardi Sauber Williams Ferrari are using another new fuel source for their System Charging Engine (SCE).

Italians have always been famous, since the hedonistic years of the 1950’s and 1960’s, for their smart, glossy, combed back hair styles. In those days uneducated and xenophobic elements of countries, used derogatory terms to refer to Italians with smart hair. That, incidentally, was bizarre considering that such people benefited greatly from the Italian propensity to produce fantastic cars, motorcycles and wicked food. Without Italians we would never have had Pizza and Italian style Pasta. The two food stuffs that now feed 90% of the worlds population following the Great Genetically Engineered Rice Disaster of 2056.

Sorry, again we digress. Anyway, it is a little known fact that the Italian’s secret to apparently greasy hair lay in the hair gel that was used in almost every male dominated household of the day. I had occasion to interview the European Minardi Sauber Williams Ferrari team’s Technical Director who let it slip that a chance discovery led to their break through in the fuel stakes. He told me that he went to visit an old friend in the music business who had just finished compiling a history of popular music of the 20th Century. His friend told him the story of a young African-American singer/musician called Michael Jackson who, whilst experimenting with things to turn him into a white man, managed to set his hair ablaze with a rare Italian hair gel.

Intrigued by the story the TD set about tracking down the notorious product. Hidden in the back room of his local barber shop he then chanced upon a sachet of the very hair gel Jackson had used. It was then just a simple matter, apparently, of getting it off to the team's chemist to analyse and replicate. So we have a new engine (details of which are sketchy at the moment and require further spying on my part) which the FIA have dubbed a Hair Gel Burner (HGB).

We also now know that the Williams contribution to the team is their Williams Hybrid Power (WHP) Flywheel Kinetic Energy Recovery System (FKERS). It is safe to say that the European Minardi Sauber Williams Ferrari team now have some very clever FKERS from their research and development department. Judging by the sound of the EMSWF engine, my ears believe that it is a turbo-jet and judging by the remarkably slim dimensions of the “coke-bottle” rear end my eyes believe it is very small.

At the Putinring test, thanks to the little reported off suffered by Toni Reichsmuller in his EMSWF we also notice that the exhaust is a single tube exiting from the under-tray into the rear diffuser. The FIA Stewhards are looking into the incident as it also involved Flabio Moda-Daewoo drivers Andriy Karamalitinenko and Hideki Yamamoto. At first Reichsmuller’s excursion went unnoticed as all eyes were on the rapidly disintegrating Flabio Moda-Daewoo’s. The suspicion is that the jet thrust exiting through Reichsmuller’s diffuser blew Karamalitinenko into the path of Yamamoto at the hideous “Turn 6”. That part of track is fast gaining notoriety and a few nicknames, such as “The Punch Bowl”, “The Sinkhole”, “The Pit” and “The Bumbiter”. Anyone who has gone round the bend and down a hole knows how unpleasant that is. So have some sympathy for the pilots, okay?

Drag Redirectional Energisation Gyroscopic Systems (DREGS) – No.1

We promised a special report on the DREGS. This was on the basis that I would find out some interesting new stuff to tell you. Disappointingly, I have little new to report having shot my bolt and told you lots of stuff about it already. Doh.

As explained earlier in our ground-breaking Technical Glossary, Drag Redirectional Energisation Gyroscopic Systems (DREGS) are situated behind the rear wing and passively activated by closing the DRS slot and opening another slot on application of the brakes. Air is redirected through a horizontally vaned turbine that drives a generator that supplements the charging current energising the charging system. The system adds significantly to drag, assisting deceleration. Releasing the brakes, the redirection slot closes. Meanwhile, in cornering, aerodynamically shaped slots in the wing endplates redirect airflow onto the turbine whilst gyroscopic mounting bearings allow centrifugal forces acting on the vehicle to be transmitted through the system.

Although somewhat convoluted and a bit Heath Robinson*, the length of time the turbine continues to operate is maximised. During acceleration and straight line running the system is completely disabled as the DRS is activated with the DRS letterbox slot guiding airflow smoothly past the turbine.

Now that we are seeing these in action during the recent tests, we can see the advantages and disadvantages of the system. The most obvious disadvantage is the weight penalty. On day two of the Barcelona test, Lars Larson was first to discover that the system was too heavy for the Al IKEA Islam (AIl-Volvo),losing his entire wing on his very first out-lap. Meanwhile, MacDonalds tried to solve the problem by strapping mechanics onto the sidepods in flagrant breach of the rule that prohibits additional full-size humans from accompanying the driver. We are sure to hear more about that in the future.

Later at the Oveada test, the EMSWF of Eric Williams-Sauber nearly flipped with a monstrous wheelie as the weight balance of the car was too far rearward and a slight gust under the front wing lifted the nose into the air. Reichsmuller’s car was not fitted with the device. The difference between the driver’s lap times spoke volumes.

Needless to say the FIA now have their hands full of the one hundred and fifty years of FIA Technical and Sporting Regulations accumulated rules to sift through, as they try to sort out what they are going to clarify, limit, restrict or ban. Jean Thought (descendant of the greatest FIA Head Honcho in History, Jean Todt) said: “It was easy in my Granddad’s day. They had a bloke called Lewis Hamilton who helped them identify things to ban by being way too cunning. You know, that was the only guy in motor racing history who realised that if you kept your motor running you were entitled to get a crane lift back onto the track and keep racing. They couldn’t ban that wheeze quick enough. Heh, heh, heh.”

*Heath Robinson was an artist, designer and inventor of complex contraptions designed to carry out very simple tasks. Needless to say, his inventions were subject to derision and never taken seriously, until now.

Finally, a Glossary Update

Male Voice Choir Co-ordination Autocue (MVCCA) – Waltz claim this to be an innovation in communications technology. teabagyokel correctly reports that it isn’t.

Williams Hybrid Power (WHP) – A fantastic company with over a century of engineering heritage. Developers of the next item on the list, the ...

... Flywheel Kinetic Energy Recovery System (FKERS) – the WHP system is a refinement of a centuries old technology found in the earliest of steam engines, reciprocating engines, windmills and much, much more. What they have done though is bring the technology firmly into the 22nd Century with refinements in materials and construction. The capacity of the WHP FKERS to store and then release energy is equivalent to a 19th Century cast iron flywheel twelve metres in diameter. Yet the device fits into the palm of the hand and can be used by a small boy as a Yo-Yo.

Personal Transport Bubble Trains (PTBT’s) - You know what those are. They are the rotund little vehicles that you drive every day to work thanks to the safety brigade that chose to ban the motor car. At least when you all link up on the guideway and turn into a train you at least have your own little compartment. Hard to believe that once upon a time people had the pleasure of being able to change lanes and overtake each other. Oh, well ... that's progress.

This button for the full 2112 F1 Technical Terms Glossary

Brad Routon. Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp)

Jen · 24 May 2012

Thank God for the last day of F1 testing at Putinring. Siberia reverted to type and offered up a very short day of minus temperatures and freezing fog - even the gulag guards remained indoors with their charges (several of whom are said to be descended from the very chap that the track is named after!).

The 'day' kicked off with a mass exodus from the pit lane - only Tango and Hesketh failed to field the full team, van der Liegen and Durham being absent. "Pippa" in the pit lane, PITPL, is trying to find out what happened - WH?

I'd like to say it was a day of two halves, but sadly not.

A disaster from the moment the first car, driven by Tongan, Kulapo Lapeki, MSW-F, hit the ice. A gentleman of gigantic proportions (in line with his Nation's traditions), has proved to be one of the most unlucky and under-performing drivers on the grid - he has the will but, sadly, the car is not up to the challenge and ground to a halt half way into his 'flying' lap. One could say he could see where he was going, but just couldn't get there - we all know that feeling, so commiserations. Maybe, he would be best placed to turn to Sumo?

McLaren Ferrari and their drivers Jack E Chan and Gilbert O'Reilly, had a cracking start - with both putting in a flying lap of 2.26.17 and 2.26.29 respectively. Wanting to capitalise on their first runs, both went out again within minutes. Three laps into his long run, Chan was heard on the team radio asking "Why do I have only 3 wheels?" - lap aborted. O'Reilly attempted his own long run and was heard to be sobbing at turn 9 - a clearly emotional Gilbert wanted to know why he had run out of fuel.

Tango F1 and Waltz-Renault were showing signs of being competitive and had orchestrated the F1 equivalent of a 'dance-off'. However, the public vote gave it to Waltz by a 75% majority - a common comment was that Tango were "all fizz and not much flavour". It has to be stated that the public vote involved the 'shepherd of hardy creatures (bless, he's been here for all 3 days, so obviously a diehard fan of F1), 4 x Gulag guards, 3 x inmates, plus Durham and van der Liegen.

But on the technical front, we have two startling findings.

McDonald's who have been running the revolutionary UCO/FBs, suffered a catastrophic 'chip fan fire' shortly after achieving their best circuit time of 2.24.89 in the car of John Richard. Luckily, neither John nor his team mate Jacquinta were hurt in the conflagration - however, it will set the team back and there will be a lot of head scratching before the first race of the season.

This has been a very positive test for the new, revolutionary DUDS system; alluded to by our very own Fenderman, aka Brad Routon. Without wanting to steal Brad's thunder, I can confirm that DUDs is particularly effective in colder climates, and is very efficient at keeping 'various fuels fluid'. The drivers quite like the system too!

teabagyokel · 27 May 2012

Welcome to the Homs International Circuit for the 212 SyriAIR Formula One Syrian Grand Prix, here at Apex Sport. Despite the protests of Robo-rights protesters, His Eccleship has decided that the Grand Prix shall continue, so this is our Circuit and Form Guide.

Well, we don't really know the form. This race has been won twice by Pedro Perfectelli and once by Dimitri Shavnov in the last three years, as much as that is a guide. Our experts say we'll only really know after qualifying.

As for the circuit, its an old-fashioned Tilkedrome with plenty of run-off. A first sector of flat 90 degree turns is complicated by the difficulty of the horizontal 90 degree Turn 5. After the climb, Turn 6 is far smoother and the teams will need excellent mechanical grip to come to terms with the elevated section, before having to turn off their Horizontal Section Grip Assistance System (HSGAS) for the water jump.

The landing of the cars is back on the ground, and good traction will allow for excellent entry speed into Turn 11, before the eight-apex downward helix of Turn 12. After a climb up an extended ramp, the drivers enter an ancient imported NCP car park and must attempt to exit it through 10 labarynthine turns before Turn 23 sweeps back onto the start finish straight.

"I don't think anyone likes the NCP section" said Shavnov when Apex Sport caught up with him, "but I think Turn 12 is compensation enough for that. There is a good overtaking option coming through the horizontal section into Turn 6, and I do love returning to the places where I brought glory to the name of Putin by winning previously."

So there you have it. Lets hope the race passes off without incident and with plenty of action.

teabagyokel · 29 May 2012

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APEX SPORT - PRACTICE SUMMARY

Practice got underway on the Friday here in Syria. First practice saw Skoda pull out an early lead over the rest of the pack, with Perfectelli and Dzevsky running first and second. It also seems that Al-IKEA Islam have a fast car in the hands of Lars Larsson, but it remains painfully clear that Sheikh Khalifa has paid for his superlicence. The first red flag of the season was caused by an off for John Richards in the McDonalds, who required MALD after he lost it on the horizontal section.

Second practice saw Hesketh unveil their replacement for the banned KCPPDAS, the so-called Robo-KCPPDAS. The Fernandes family came under attack from protestors outside the circuit and have returned home to London, where they have barricaded themselves into Loftus Road out of fear.

This disruption didn't slow Skoda's pace, although Martin Button was able to beat Dzevsky home for second place. Button's return from his burns at Ovidea has been remarkable, with AHR insisting he was not only rushed back because Robo de la Loser couldn't get a Syrian visa. Khalifa and Yamamoto collided in an attempt to escape the NCP section, thus bringing out the red flag. Fortunately, both were able to pay for the damage.

Saturday morning practice saw a glory run for former World Champion Toni Reichsmuller in his Minardi Williams Sauber, with low fueled Barry Jones also hitting the north end of the timesheets to delighted singing from the Welshman's camp. And HRT finally got the car running, although Kirtan Kakari was a long way off the pace.

The teams are getting ready for qualifying session which will take place this afternoon. For those of you new to Formula One, here's how the session works:

2112 QUALIFYING FORMAT

Q1 - KNOCKOUT SESSION

Q1 has remained unchanged for hundreds of years. The 28 cars are allowed as many laps as they wish to set as many times as they wish in 20 minutes. The fastest 18 runners go through into the aptly named Q2 session.

Q2 - AGGREGATE KNOCKOUT SESSION

The fastest 18 runners have 20 more minutes to set three consecutive lap-times which will make up their Q2 effort. If they do not set 3 laps, they will be put to the back of the session and their two-lap times will be ordered, and so on. The best 10 go into the Shootout session at the end of the day.

Q3 - SHOOTOUT ELMINIATION SESSION

The top 10 cars go out immediately and set times. Every two minutes the bottom two drivers are instantly eliminated and called back to the pits, until at the end of the session two drivers are competing for pole position.

So see you for qualifying later!

teabagyokel · 30 May 2012

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So welcome to qualifying for the 2112 Syrian Grand Prix. Tyre wear is expected to be high this weekend so F1's tyre suppliers Aussietyre have opted for the: "Quite Hard" (Option) and the "Strewth! That's Hard!" (Prime).

Q1: Q1 begins with a queue at the end of the pitlane of HRTs and McDonalds' trying to set a banker. They're on the "Quite Hard" and it was expected that they will fail to qualify. Ten minutes in and everyone else has set laps on the "Strewth!" tyre, and the Flabio Modas and Heskeths looked in trouble too, by the times. The Skodas and Larsson's Al-IKEA Islam cars were going very well, so well that they needn't set times in the second half of the session.

The last run saw the HRTs desperately trying to get within the 107% required to start the race. Neither of them managed it and they head home. They are required to clean the garage out by Saturday night while Bernie's people sell some "executive dining facilities" for the race. Also out were the Flabio Modas of Karamalitenko and Yamamoto and the McDonalds of Richards, but the rest were in striking range of qualification.

In the end, there was joy at a near escape on their début for McDonalds and Jacquinta Bolt, who made it out of the session alongside Rolando Piquet's Hesketh. But joy for these two meant recriminations for Maria Senna of Always, who should have run later in the session, but less recriminations for Sheikh Khalifa.

19: Senna 20: Durham 21: Khalifa 22: Karamalitenko 23: Yamamoto 24: Richards
DNQ: Écossais, Kakari

Q2: Q2 has a more expensive queue of cars as they all struggle to fit in their three-lap runs. The first few times are in when Martin Button's AHR stopped where the MALD needed to hold him and a red flag was dropped to signal the red flag. Obviously, this created some panic amongst all of the drivers bar the perpetually chilled van der Liegen.

The remaining AHR joined the remaining Al-IKEA Islam at the top with the Czech speedsters, and McLaren were starting to pick up the pace too. This left Ferrari, Waltz and Mary Washington looking like joining Bolt and Rolando Piquet in the bottom 8. However, Ferrari's last triple-run on the Quite Hards was enough to lift Shavnov past Chan, although Nelson Piquet V had the ignominy of finishing lower than his brother.

11: Chan 12: Jones 13: Akuritaxpe 14: Washington 15: R. Piquet 16: Button 17: N. Piquet 18: Bolt

Q3: Q3 has a more desparate queue of cars knowing that no time in the first two minutes means Row 5. However, that seemed to be the way Arnold van der Liegen liked it as he remained unmoved in the garage. At least, thats why we think he was unmoved. The slowest time, unsurprisingly, went to Shavnov who was so unconfident he went out on the "Strewth!"s.

9: Shavnov 10: van der Liegen

The next two minutes saw most of the cars head back in, save for the under pressure Minardi Williams Saubers. Their increase in speed was not enough to save Reichsmuller, but surprisingly saved Lakepi at the expense of Ontário.

7: Reichsmuller 8: Ontário

Lakepi was happy with sixth so did not re-emerge. However, there was a re-emergence of Gilbert O'Reilly whose desperation to set a faster time ended with a crash in the NCP section and a subsequent attack on an abandoned Pay and Display machine.

5: O'Reilly 6: Lakepi

After the red flag, onto the top four. Perfectelli was on a very hot lap when he was held up on the exit of the NCP by Alonso, which was enough to secure both men's exit from the session, but surprisingly the stewards elected not to punish the AHR driver.

3: Perfectelli 4: Alonso

All of which left Dzevsky to fight it out with Larsson for pole. The Swede was faster in the first two sections but the Czech driver gained so much time through the NCP that Larsson was left not improving on his earlier time, allowing Dzevsky to dive into the pits, saving a lap's worth of rubber on his Quite Hards and earning a pole position on his début!

1: Dzevsky 2: Larsson

Its set up to be a fascinating race tomorrow, join us here on Apex Sport to enjoy it with us!

teabagyokel · 31 May 2012

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Welcome to Apex Sports lap-by-lap coverage of the Syrian Grand Prix. Coming up are 48 laps of fast cars racing each other, and a real sense of who has the Sunday pace this year. The grandstands are half-filling up, and the robo-protesters are nowhere to be seen.

GO! Dzevsky and Larsson duel into the first corner, with Dzevsky keeping the inside line and the Swede having to relent. A bad weekend for Martin Button is made worse as he is taken out in a collision with Rolando Piquet, who doesn't survive his limp back to the pits. The best starter of the day is Toni Reichsmuller who is up to fourth ahead of Alonso. The Safety Car is deployed to allow the marshalls to clear up the Button-Piquet incident.

Lap 2 Drama under Safety Car. Arnold van der Liegen, confused by the queue of cars entering the NCP section, has parked up and headed to the pay and display machine. He's now strolling around looking for the entrance to the shopping centre. Tango will be upset to lose a driver in such ridiculous circumstances.

Lap 4 - SC in this lap! The removal of van der Liegen allows Chan to get a run on Shavnov over the water jump and the Chinese McLaren driver was able to leap over the Ferrari and land safely. Khalifa pulled a crazy move on Durham into Turn 12, but the most aristocratic racing incident of all time was averted by the Emir running wide. His team-mate was under pressure from the Skoda of Perfectelli, as well.

Lap 7 van der Liegen has been led away from the NCP section after minutes of muttering and searching. His team-mate, meanwhile, was able to pass Lakepi under breaking through Turn 6. Lakepi ran wide through 7 and was also prey to Chan through turn 15.

The order: Dzevsky, Larsson, Perfectelli, Reichsmuller, Alonso, O'Reilly, Ontário, Chan, Lakepi, Shavnov

Lap 10 The leaders start to pit for a second set of Quite Hards. Perfectelli, however, has a slow stop and then has to fall behind O'Reilly to prevent an unsafe release. Alonso jumps Reichsmuller and the remaining AHR is onto the podium.

Lap 12 Dzevsky rejoined in the lead. Larsson is fading badly, as Al-IKEA Islam's mechanics are waiting for Khalifa, and basically he's taking an age to come into the pits. John Richards retires on the exit of 12 as the G-forces proved too much for his McDonalds car.

Lap 14 Larsson finally comes in but he's lost heaps of time and he's going to get jumped by everyone down to O'Reilly. He comes out just ahead of a visibly irritated Perfectelli. Lakepi falls off the road and is passed by Shavnov and Washington.

The order: Dzevsky, Alonso, Reichsmuller, O'Reilly, Larsson, Perfectelli, Ontário, Chan, Shavnov, Washington

Lap 19 Maria Senna is out with gearbox trouble, and she settles down in the garage to watch Washington. Mary responds by pulling an excellent passing move on Shavnov at the NCP exit. Dzevsky is being caught by Alonso who seems to be fast at this phase of the race.

Lap 20 Bang! The cooking fat tank in Bolt's car goes off leaving fat all over the place and Bolt running - extraordinarily quickly - to the barriers. That'll need a safety car.

Lap 23 - SC in this lap! Dzevsky defends into Turn One and keeps the lead. O'Reilly ploughs into the back of Reichsmuller and takes both out of the Grand Prix. They come to a halt in the run-off area, no Safety Car required.

The order: Dzevsky, Alonso, Larsson, Perfectelli, Ontário, Chan, Washington, Shavnov, Akituraxpe, Lakepi

Lap 28 Alonso pits first for Strewth!s and is followed in by Perfectelli. Dzevsky and Larsson believe they can eke out their Quite Hards longer. Ontário runs wide at Turn 8 but keeps in front of Chan.

Lap 29 Dzevsky starts to hit the cliff and pits, Larsson also hits the cliff but Khalifa has stalled his car in the garage and he has to continue. Alonso leads.

Lap 30 Dzevsky passes his surprised team-mate for second into turn 1. Chan pulls past Ontário at the same place and Larsson finally pits, coming out behind Washington/

Lap 36 Its all gone quiet. Everyone matching pace and conserving their Strewth!s

Lap 43 Off goes Nelson Piquet V. He hits the wall at the entry to the NCP and allows Washington past Ontário as the Italian is distracted. Khalifa finally pulls off.

RED FLAG LAP 46: Robo-protesters start their march over the Syrian plains, and the Brain of Whiting stops the race just as Dzevsky was catching up to Alonso so everyone can get home. Result declared.

RACE AND CHAMPIONSHIP POSITIONS

1 R. Alonso (AHR) 25
2 K. Dzevsky (Skoda) 18
3 P. Perfectelli (Skoda) 15
4. J. Chan (McLaren) 12
5. M. Washington (Always) 10
6 R. Ontário (Tango) 8
7 L. Larsson (Al-IKEA Islam) 6
8 D. Shavnov (Ferrari) 4
9 H. Akitauraxpe (Waltz) 2
10 K. Lakepi (Minardi Williams Sauber) 1

1 Skoda 33
2 AHR 25
3 McLaren 12
4 Always 10
5 Tango 8
6 Al-IKEA Islam 6
7 Ferrari 4
8 Waltz 2
9 Minardi Willams Sauber 1

Fenderman · 31 May 2012

APEX SPORT 2112

SyriAIR Formula One Syrian Grand Prix – Tech’ Reveal – Part One

Editorial

At long last the fast blokes have hit the track for real. The racing season has begun with the Syrian Grand Prix and the wraps are off of the 2112 machinery. We now know what the cars look like and have some idea of how frickin fast they are .... or aren’t. It’s refreshing to see a return to 20th century unreliability adding to the mix, what with Aussietyre Co’s "Quite Hard" (Option) and "Strewth! That's Hard!" (Prime) boots and the FIA edicted artificial go-faster over-take devices (AGFOTD’s).

Indeed, the big story was Jacquinta Bolt’s McDonald’s Racing VOB dropping cooking fat all over the track. Safety concerns about Vegetable Oil Burners are dominating the airwaves and the FIA Safety Group (FIASG) will be holding a special thrash-out-how-to-fix-it session next week.

Rootersports Brad Routon tells more in this quick upsum of the weekend’s tech news. Enjoy.

Tellie Fenderman III Jnr. Editor, Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp)

SyriAIR Formula One Syrian Grand Prix – Tech’ Reveal – Part One

Well after the interminable winter break and a less than revealing test schedule, the chaps and chapesses are finally hitting the black-stuff in earnest. The new F1 cars are the most gadget-fested ever and trying to get a handle on the new tech has been a real nightmare. I reassure myself with the thought that, as difficult as it may be, getting that handle is, after all, my job. One of the best jobs on the planet, I might add.

So what have we discovered in Syria? Well first and foremost as mentioned by our illustrious editor, Tellie Fenderman, Jacquinta Bolt’s McDonald’s VOB fat tank exploded and leaked big time. The interesting thing to me was how the Strewth’s were affected compared to the Quite Hard’s. The total lack of traction suffered by the Strewth shod pilots was spectacular to say the least. The QH’s in contrast seemed to get more gummy and stuck to the track like Sea Lamprey’s reintroduced into Kent dining out on a Kentish man’s leg. The FIASG have their work cut out for them to come up with a solution. They cannot ban the things because a third of the grid appear to be using a VOB of one kind or another to charge their batteries and/or direct drive their electric motors.

Aerodynamically, the cars fall into two distinct categories. There are the “insect-like” designs and the “fish-like” designs.

The “insects” bodies are elliptical in shape with the suspension assemblies resembling the architecture of insect limbs. Advances in silicon fibre matt weaving has allowed the “insect” teams to create front and rear aerofoils that are ultra-light and wafer thin. They do, however, look horribly fragile. Having said that, none of the challengers appeared to exhibit any kind of Vettel-Webber RBR Flex (VWRBRF) (See Tech Glossary Update).

The “fish-like” designs appear to have been influenced by the most hydrodynamic of the shark family – the tiger shark. Although these denizens of the deep have been extinct for thirty years, it did not escape the attention of aerodynamicists that the sleek body shape would be equally as good cutting through the air as it was cutting through water. One techie told me that his team saved an absolute mint by flogging off their wind tunnel and taking a mock-up of the car to dunk it in the Thames Estuary (that’s the mouth of that little river in Blighty). The cost savings from using buckets with holes in the bottom instead of super-number-crunchy-duper-computers means that theirs is the best fed and watered team on the grid.

Finally, a Tech Glossary Update

Artificial go-faster over-take devices (AGFOTD’s) Catch all title for any doodad that aids the driver get past the other bloke in a downright dirty or unfair advantage type fashion. Includes such dastardly devices like KERS, CURSE, DRS, ETC.

Active Reverse Space Equaliser (ARSE) – device that temporarily distorts time and space to create a wormhole through which car B can effectively pass through car A, thereby becoming car A.

Excrement Technology Control – an elegant (in engineering terms) solution for managing the consequences of over-excitement.

Vettel-Webber RBR Flex (VWRBRF) – Characteristic flexing or bending associated with carbon fibre front wings of the 21st Century. FIA struggled to measure the flexing of the historic Red Booll’s back in the 2010 by the quaint methodology of hanging weights off the ends of the wing. However, the secret was in the weave of the carbon fibre whereby the flexing was torsional rather than lateral. Unfortunately, the people of the time had difficulty believing in their own eyes. Although, everyone including toddlers watching TV on their daddies knees could see the flexing and knew this was illegal, in those days the FIA were incapable of devising a test. Things have changed as humans have recently had an Evolutionary Jump (EJ*)

*EJ – not to be confused with an Eddie Jordan (EJ) which is a slightly impolite way of saying someone is “off-beat”, “dizzy” or “comedic with serious intent”.

This button for the full 2112 F1 Technical Terms Glossary

Brad Routon. Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp)

Coming up in part two of the Tech Reveal, Brad Explodes a myth or two about Methane Burners.

teabagyokel · 1 June 2012

BREAKING NEWS - SYRIA GP WINNER ARRESTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

Rolando Alonso's triumphant return to the family home in Ovidea has been interupted largely when the Spanish Police arrested the AHR driver for the attempted murder of his team-mate Martin Button in the pre-season Ovidea test. The fire which engulfed Martin Button's car and destroyed the main straight of the Circuito Fernando Alonso was blamed on a loose electrical cable and police allege that Alonso was the sabouter.

A spokesman for AHR said, "We stand by Rolando as he fights these allegations. However, we need to think about [the Iranian Grand Prix in Tehran] and we will be bringing in Suzanna Apollano [the Italian former Minardi Sauber Williams driver] while Rolando is detained in custody."

There has been no comment from the Spaniard on the allegations. Inquiries are ongoing.

RasputinLives · 2 June 2012

BUTTON SHOWS SUPPORT FOR TEAMMATE

In a surprise turn of events today AHR driver Martin Button came out on the side of teamate Ronaldo Alonso, who has recently been detained for the attempted murder of Button himself. Button appeared on Terry Wogan IV's classic Dubstep and Jazz Radio 2 show yesterday and stated.

"I don't think for a minute that Ronaldo was attempting to kill me. He probably only meant to injure me to the point where I couldn't drive and to be honest all is fair in love and F1. I mean if I got the chance to chop his leg off or something then I'd take it."

Asked if he didn't seek some form of justice for Ronaldo's actions Button went on to say;

"The only justice I'd like is to be able to race and beat him on the track and shout in your face gringo afterwards. All this detaining him malarky is stopping me getting this. I think I'm echoing what Bernie Ecclestone has been saying for the last century when I say that I don't think Human rights, justice and 'the law' have any business meddling in F1"

Meanwhile in an official press conference announcing her as the stand in for Ronaldo Alonso, Suzanna Apollano stated that she was "Happy to be taking the murdering bastards place" and that now all she has to worry about it "Gettting that Button fellow out the way"

More news as it happens here on Apex

RasputinLives · 6 June 2012

Koka-Kola Formula One Iranian Grand Prix

@ Bushehr Mohammed International Circuit

NEWS:
Welcome to the Iranian Grand Prix 2012 held here at Bushehr for only the 2nd time. The tight twisty section of the street circuit like track runs along the southern west Persian Gulf coastline of Iran and is controversially linked together by the longest straight in F1 the 2.1 mile Ahmadinejad straight. This year after complaints that it was turning F1 into a drag race the Ahmadinejad straight has a newly added corkscrew section which means whilst the cars will still be travelling in a straight line they loop 360 degrees 8 times. With the main straight clocking in at 2.1 miles it means that the Bushehr Mohammed International Circuit comes in as one of the seasons longest at 5.2 miles long meaning that making sure you change tyres at the right time is essential. Having just one lap on a set of tyres that have gone off could cost a massive amount of time.

As usual off track controversy always follows F1 around and arrest of last weeks race winner Ronaldo Alonso certainly counts as that. The current buzz around the pitlane though is that further evidence has come to light and that Spanish authorities are currently trying to do a deal with the Iranian police for an extradition treaty in order to make arrests at the circuit. Who they are wanting to arrest is the big secret with lots of speculation it could be various members of the AHR staff themselves. We’ll keep you up to date on any news we have on this.

On track controversy is not far away either and this week the Skoda ARSE system is certainly that. Skoda’s ARSE first reared its head last year after its development by team designer Doc Emmeret Brown. As was shown the ARSE is an overtaking aid that creates a temporary wormhole which allows a car to pass through another car without having to go round it. The system itself is powered by a Flux Capacitor though which can only fire the system up when the car reaches 188 miles and hour making it unusable at the majority of F1 tracks, however, with the extra long straight it of course comes in to play here and whilst it is perfectly legal and we will see other teams attempt to run the system the fact that Skoda have shown they can now extend the range of their system so that their cars don’t just appear in front of the car its chasing but a good portion down the track, so much so that they could use it to miss out the entire corkscrew section.

On the back of this news the FIA have decided to clarify the rule regarding ARSE to state it is an overtaking device and can only be used when trailing another car by 0.5 seconds. Whilst they’ve allowed unlimited use of the system in practice in order for other teams to be allowed to test it they have banned its use in qualifying altogether. We know for certain that Tango will be experimenting with the system in practice after they flew team advisor Dr S Hawkings in specially for the event. Ferrari and Always have also been tinkering with their own ARSE and could show it off in practice too.

The other piece of controversy this weekend revolves around the HRT team. After their disastrous start to the season they have already sacked their car designer and brought in a new technical expert none other than Gok Newey who is not only the great grand nephew of legendary F1 designer Adrian Newey but also the third cousin twice removed of fashion designer Gok Wan. He seems to have inherited both his famous relatives passions and has wasted no time in showing it by introducing a revolutionary new nose cone design “The Wolly Mammoth Nose” which comes complete with a lovely Aubergine fur finish and was revealed to the press in a photo shoot just this morning. Newey also talked of installing a Peacock fan style rear wing but whether this will be done in time for this weekend is questionable.

First and Second Practice are coming up today. You can follow it all here on Apex

teabagyokel · 6 June 2012

ECCLESTONE SUPPORTS ROLANDO ALONSO - APEX SPORT

In a surprising twist to the story enveloping the paddock at the Iranian Grand Prix, Bernie Ecclestone's preserved brain in a jar has declared unconditional support for Championship leader and alleged attempted murderer Rolando Alonso.

"I don't understand where El Plod is coming from here," he told Apex Sport, "we go to Spain to put on a show and this is how Spain repays us. I think what happens on the F1 track should stay on the F1 track."

"That Ovidea thing was wonderful entertainment anyway. So the track has been half-destroyed and there were no cars on track, but who wants to watch testing anyway? Explosions, now that's good, its like a [21st Century film director] Michael Bay film, perfect."

Responding to criticism of his attitude to such a serious crime, the FOM President for Life and Beyond said he took the issue seriously. "I take the issue seriously, of course I do. You can't have F1 drivers murdering people. However, Alonso should be given a trial within F1; these things are taken into account when writing the FIA Sporting Regulations, you've all seen article 1.8.23!"

Ecclestone was referring to little-known article 1.8.23 of the FIA Formula One Sporting & Technical Regulations:

1.8.23 Any driver found murdering, or attempting to murder, a competitor shall recieve a fifteen place grid penalty at his next event.

That Ecclestone believes this punishment to be sufficient has raised a few eyebrows in legal and judicial circles, but not at Apex Sport, where we like our contract to keep bringing you top quality coverage of F1 in the year 2112.

Fenderman · 6 June 2012

APEX SPORT 2112

SyriAIR Formula One Syrian Grand Prix – Tech’ Reveal – Part Two

Editorial

In our last issue we reported on the fast blokes hitting the track at the Syrian Grand Prix and the realisation of just how frickin fast some of them were .... or weren’t. We also said that the big story was Jacquinta Bolt’s McDonald’s Racing's Vegetable Oil Burner (VOB) coating the track with cooking fat. Boy were we wrong! It turns out that an even bigger story was in the frying pan. It turns out that following the race the FIASG was more concerned about the Active Reverse Space Equalisers (ARSEs). These things temporarily distort time and space, creating wormholes through which one car can overtake another by literally driving through the same space at the same time but faster! As reported by fellow APEX SPORT correspondent RasputinLives in his fantastic preview of the next round in Iran (see Koka-Kola Iranian GP ) this piece of technology may getting taken one parsec too far.

So Rootersport's Brad Rooton continues his quick upsum of the tech news from Syria but also a heads up on what we might expect from the Koka-Kola Formula One Iranian Grand Prix.

Tellie Fenderman III Jnr. Editor, Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp)

So onto part two of the SyriAIR Formula One Syrian Grand Prix – Tech’ Reveal

Ever since 20th Century Aero-Guru, Adrian Newey’s numerous offspring followed their ancestor’s footsteps into Formula One, technological rule skirting has become a science in its own right. It is no secret that Red Booll Assisted Intelligence (RBAI) invented by Newey’s grandson James Tiberius Newey has had no small part to play in this revolution [more about that in another episode].

We can now reveal that HRT are using a revved up version of KERS. One of the recurring complaints about KERS technology is that by its very nature the system works on a reciprocating principle in that whilst working in one direction it is being charged with energy from braking and deceleration, it then has to reverse to release the charge and impart power to the drive train.

HRT’s artistically licensed technical director Gok Newey and his boffin team have come up with a revolutionary wheeze to solve the problem. Speaking to me before boarding the Hydroplane to Iran he told me “I was reading up on some of my great-ancestor’s [Adrian Newey] approach with the Exhaust Blown Diffuser, Sneaky Slots, and other stuff. It occurred to me that if we could somehow blow the KERS whilst leaching the gathered extra energy off to both feed the batteries and the motors we could avoid having to reverse any of the elements of the system. Simples.”

Examining the concept further with the help of Scrubs (Great-great grandson of the legendary Tech Revealist, Scarbs (aka Craig Scarborough) we think we have discovered how the technology works.

The system is called Krypton-Nitroglycerine-Assisted Continuous Kinetic Energy Recovery System (KNACKERS). Secreted in the bowels of the HRT’s chassis there are two pressurised container tanks. Krypton gas from one tank is fed to a mixer where it is combined with a weak solution containing nitroglycerine from the other. The mixture is injected into a combustion chamber which exhausts the resultant expanding gases into what can loosely be described as a small, fully enclosed turbojet engine. A gas conversion unit takes the exhaust gases from the turbojet, cooling and separating them out into the original component gas and liquids (i.e. krypton gas and nitroglycerin solution) then returns them under pressure to their respective tanks, thus recycling them for re-use in the cycle. Meanwhile the turbojet ramps up the energy generated by the system.

Scrubs sees massive drawbacks in using the system. First and foremost is the weight penalty due to the architecture of the contraption with its additional tanks, tubework, ducting and cooling apparatus. Space for the system is also at a premium with access to the parts almost impossible once it is fitted into the chassis. Repairs and modifications can only be done back at the factory which means that a failure on track will take the car out of a whole race meeting.

The biggest issue, though, is the threat of a runaway reaction. Scrubs asks the question “What if the system initiates a positive feedback loop contiuously generating energy and pumping it through the system unchecked? The energy increase could be exponential and infinite. How the heck are they going to brake?”

We also know that HRT are trying out an ARSE system. Combining the two systems has the potential for a Cosmic Level Catastrophe (CLC). I put these questions to Gok Newey who said “Who wants to stop? With our KNACKERS and our ARSE we’ll get ahead and stay there.”

Scrubs disagrees, "With KNACKERS and an ARSE like that it's going to handle like a PIG"

Koka-Kola Formula One Iranian Grand Prix @ Bushehr Mohammed International Circuit Tech' Talk Part One - Heads Up

What with all the talk about ARSE's, KNACKERS and EBD's going on, one would think that we would have trouble keeping up. Well we won't. In our groundbreaking next issue we will be bringing you some interviews with Tech Guru's now that the teams have let their hair down having put their motors on the track. We think Gok Newey is going to be the star of the season so we expect our exclusive interview with him will be the most enlightening of them all.

That's it. We did say it was just a heads up, didn't we? Can't let it all out at once, you'll get bored, like with Monaco 2012.

This button for the full 2112 F1 Technical Terms Glossary - Which has been updated

Brad Routon. Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp)

RasputinLives · 17 June 2012

Koka-Kola Formula One Iranian Grand Prix

@ Bushehr Mohammed International Circuit

Practice Season 1

First practice began with Skoda showing off its ARSE after coming out of the pit lane instantly. With them unable to use it constantly like they were doing in either quail or the race it became obvious it was all a bit of showing off as Perfectelli and Dzevsky traded course record after course record. It seemed Tango wanted to shoot back and sent Ontario out early too and after an installation lap he got up to speed on the Ahmadinejad straight, activated his ARSE just before the corkscrew section and promptly disappeared. All eyes moved to the end of the corkscrew section to see if Tango could match Skoda and they waited, and waited, and waited before they realised that anything over 5 seconds was probably way to long and something wasn’t right to which all eyes turned to the pit wall and more specifically to Tango’s ARSE specialist Stefan Hawkins who gave a resounding shrug of the shoulders. The only other person to actually get a lap in for P1 was HRTs Kirtan Kakari who was keen to show of their new KNACKERS. It certainly gave them extra speed but as predicted the car didn’t exactly handle well and Karkari finally lost control of the machine coming out of twisty turn 7 and hit the barrier in a big way. Karkari escaped unhurt but his HRT was in bits all over the track so out came the red flag.

Whilst it would have been a long wait before the practice session restarted it should have restarted but unfortunately events from outside of F1 saw to it that it wouldn’t. A joint force of Iranian and Spanish police arrived in force at the circuit and headed towards the AHR pit lane revealing they had a warrant for the arrest of stand in driver Suzanna Apollano for questioning regarding the attempted murder of Martin Button and tampering with evidence in an attempt to frame Ronaldo Alonso. The shock in the AHR garage was visible but before they had any time to react they saw one of their cars heading down the pit lane. It appeared that Apollano was attempting to make a get away. Unfortunately for Apollano the only place she could go was the circuit and with no escape roads the police just waited for her to run out of fuel. In the mean time Apollano set some impressive times and ranted over the radio regarding drivers being chosen for their heritage rather than for talent. Eventually her car came to a halt and with her she reluctantly was removed from the circuit.

Practice session 2:

With the dramas of the morning AHR were left with the problem of finding a second driver for the weekend. The FIA very quickly came back with a resounding no to the idea of running cyborg Pedro De La Loser as a race driver and it was announced 5 mins before the start of the session that the seat vacated by Alonso and Apollano would be filled by Always driver Tina Rachtova who just happens to be the only reserve driver present in the pitlane.

The session started with yet more things to talk about as just as the clock started Roberto Ontario’s Tango reappeared on track and promptly returned to the pitlane where Ontario removed himself from the car, refused to speak and promptly retreated to the back of the garage to curl up in a ball crying.

Back on the track the Skoda’s stopped showing off their ARSE and we were finally able to see who had the pace of the field and as it turned out Perfectelli and Dzevsky still looked the class of the field although they were out paced by the IKEA of Larsson who set the fastest lap of the session by half a second. The other Ikea of Al-Khalifa did not fair so well as he managed to spin on 5 separate occasions coming out of the corkscrew leading to complaints from the Sheikh that they’re was something wrong with the track.

Despite being under strict instructions not to touch his ARSE Tango’s Van Der Liegan was 4th fastest and was looking quite focused. The same could not be said of AHRs Martin Button who looked decidedly lacklustre and sounded almost bored over the radio. He was so lacklustre that he was outpaced by Rachtova despite the fact that due to her being an entire foot smaller than the arrested Apollano and there being not time for a seat fitting she was sitting on a stack of booster cushions.

Maria Senna looked the business in the Always car and set the 5th fastest time of the day she also showed she has a nice little ARSE and could be an outsider come race day and despite only being able to run the one car in session 2 HRT look like contenders for biggest leap forward as Ecossais placed 10th in the rankings after having much more control that Kakari over his KNACKERS.

1 – L. Larsson (Swe) Al-Ikea Islam – Volvo 2m 12.367
2 - P. Perfectelli (Spa) Skoda 2m 12.892
3.- K. Dzevesky (Cze) Skoda 2m 13.234
4 – A. Van Der Liegan (Hol) Tango-Daewoo 2m 13.412
5 – M. Senna (Bra) Always-Skoda 2m 13.523
6 – T. Reichsmuller (Ger) Minardi-Sauber-Willaims – Ferrari 2m 13.877
7 – D Shavnov (Rus) Ferrari – 2m 14.023
8 – M. Washington (USA) Always-Skoda 2m 14.299
9 – J. Chan (Chi) Mclaren-Ferrari 2m 14.350
10 – T. Ecossais (Fra) HRT-Cosworth 2m 14.477
11 – T. Rachtova (USSR) AHR-Renault 2m 14.688
12 – M. Button (GB) AHR-Renault 2m 14.860
13 – K. Lakepi (Ton) Minardi-Sauber-Williams – Ferrari 2m 14.934
14 – N. Piquet (Bra) Ferrari – 2m 14.999
15 – B. Jones (GB) Waltz-Renault 2m 15.100
16 – H. Akurtapxe (Spa) Waltz Renaul 2m 15.200
17 – G. O’reily (Ire) Mclaren – Ferrari 2m 15.356
18 – M. Al-Khaliffa (UAE) – Al-Ikea Islan – Volvo 2m 15.566
19 – L. Durham (GB) – Hesketh – Cosworth 2m 15.800
20 – J. Bolt (Jam) – Mcdonalds 2m15.867
21. - R.Piquet (Bra – Hesketh-Cosworth 2m 16.222
22. – J. Richards (USA) Mcdonalds 2m 16.566
23. - A. Karamalitinenko (USSR) Flabio Moda – Daewoo 2m 17.122
24.- H. Yamamoto (Jap) Flabio Moda – Daewoo 2m 17.566

Times not set by R.Ontario (Tango) and K.Kharki (HRT)

RasputinLives · 17 June 2012

ONTARIO OFFLIMITS TO THE PRESS.

The FIA have announced that Tango driver Roberto Ontario is off limits from the press until after the finish of the Iranian Grand Prix but have failed to supply a reason as to why. As reported whilst testing the new ARSE system in his Tango Daewoo Ontario went missing for a full four and a half hour period and where he was is still to be explained. Tango refused to comment when asked about the incident and refused to comment on the FIA press ban. The only statement they've made is to confirm Ontario will be in the Grand Prix this weekend and that the team will not be using their ARSE system for the rest of the weekend.

Whilst the whole paddock remains tight lipped rumours have started circulating as to the press ban and the incident itself, the strongest coming from an unamed Tango insider who claimes that instead of the ARSE system transporting Ontario through a wormhole in space it transported him through a wormhole in time and that the press release has come around because Ontario actually knows the result of Sunday's Grand Prix and the FIA want to make sure its not released to the press beforehand. Whether the result would still be the same if Ontario told us what it was is one for the exterstensialists to debate but if the rumour is true then Ontario's glum looking face after Practice 2 makes it unlikely we're about to witness a classic Tango romp to victory.

RasputinLives · 20 June 2012

ALONSO A FREE MAN

After the arrest of Suzanna Apollana it has been revealed that Ronaldo Alonso has been released by the Spanish authrorites and has been totally cleared of any wrong doing in the fire at the Spanish race track. It appears an unknown source sent the police video tape footage of Apollana commiting the sabotage Alonso had been accused of. Apollana's motivation appears to be exactly what happened the framing of Alonso and herself picking up the race seat and faced with unweilding evidence she has pleaded guilty and merely stated "Talent before heritage"

Alonso is apparently flying out to Iran on Sunday to watch the race even though its too late for him to take part Alonso will watch the race from his team garage and be fully restored to the race seat for the next race. Asked about the whole incident Alonso said:

"The whole thing was a bit of a joke really. I mean if I wanted to take Button out I wouldn't indanager all those other lives that'll own damage a perfectly good race track named after me"

Asked about his chances in the championship after missing this grand prix Alonso seemed even more relaxed

"Whats one race? I won the opener I think I deserved a break"

RasputinLives · 20 June 2012

Koka-Kola Formula One Iranian Grand Prix

@ Bushehr Mohammed International Circuit

Qualifying:

Q1

With tyres being an optimum here the top drivers will be attempting to get through Q1 with just one run but that’s of no concern to the Flabio Moda drivers who just want to get a decent lap in and so get out early. Its not a wish that comes true though for Yamamoto who throws it into the holographic gravel pit in turn 11 and wrecks his car. Falbio Bravitore IV could be seen in the pit lane sobbing into his checkbook. The car was well off the track so the session went on but amazingly the marshalls have to quickly dive out the way as Al-Khaliffa loses control of his IKEA car at the exact same spot. 2 down and only 5 mins in but news circulates from the pit that could be 3 already as HRT still don’t seem to have been able to rebuild Kharki’s car. With Kharki not having set any times at all this weekend its possible he might not even be allowed in the grand prix at all. As the rest of the field start to set their times it becomes obvious that Larsson is head and shoulders above the rest and the Skoda’s front the chasing pack. Ontario only sets the 5th fastest time in the session so far but goes straight to the pit lane and is out the car. Ever get the feeling he knows something we don’t? With Ecossais managing his KNACKERS perfectly again the HRT looks safely through which leaves the Hesketh’s and the Mcdonalds to join the others down the bottom although its not without a good try by Jackie Bolt who nearly embarrasses a very much off the pace Gilbert O’Reily, the Irishmen continuing to blame the lack of Guienness is Iran

OUT: Kharki (HRT) no time, Yamamoto (Flabio Moda) no time, Al-Khaliffa (Al-Ikea Islam) no time, Karamalitinenko (Flabio Moda) 2m15.600, Richards (Mcdonalds) 2m15.323, Piquet (Hesketh) 2m15.233, Durham (Hesketh) 2m15.100, Bolt (Mcdonalds) 2m14.890

Q2

O’Reily really didn’t stand a chance in Q2 but he gave it a bash and then a stream of swear words but he still sat rock bottom of the pile. The Waltz Renaults also look set to go out and were just competing with each other, a battle Welshmen Barry Jones look set to come out on top of. Ecossais also put himself out of the running when he messed up his Knackers coming out of turn 8 on his fast lap. Piquet’s Ferrari couldn’t handle the pace and Jack E. Chan’s Mclaren lacked the straight line speed to get him through. Shavnov showed he can put a shopping trolly into Q3 by pulling out a lap right at the end, a lap that put Martin Button well and truly out the running and just when quail looked over supersub Rachtova came out of nowhere to knock Always’ Mary Washington out of the top 10.

OUT: O’Reily (Mclaren) 2m14.659, Akurtapxe (Waltz) 2m14.133, Jones (Waltz) 2m13.967, Ecossais (HRT) 2m 13.723, Piquet (Ferrari) 2m 13.432, Chan (Mclaren) 2m 13.270, Button (AHR) 2m 13.023, Washington (Always) 2m 12.999

Q3

After a debate amongst the teams over the qualifying format due to the lap being over 2minutes long for this Grand Prix the qualifying format has been returned to the old style and because of which it looks like we’re only going to get one run from the top 10 in order to save tyres. Although it looks like we’re not even going to get that from Ontari. Does that mean he see’s no point or is he trying to change the future by doing something different? I think we’d go mad if we debated it too much. Rachtova goes out early and sets a benchmark time for the rest but no one is really expecting any more heroics out of her anyway. Shavnov makes all scratch our heads again by setting a faster time than her on the hard tyres in a Ferrari that handles more like an ocean liner. IKEA make the strange decision to send Larsson out early but this doesn’t stop him setting a devastating lap time which makes the others wince. A time Lakepi in the Minardi-Sauber-Williams just has no chance of matching and he doesn’t. As the chequed flag fell we had five drivers on fast laps and it looks like the final shoot out. The Skoda’s go over the line first and Perfectelli looks quick but is still 4 tenths short of Larsson, Dzevesky is a further 3 tenths behind his team-mate which should be a big enough gap for the other to put themselves in though. Not Maria Senna though who run’s wide at the final turn and messes up her lap with a time even slower than Shavnov. Reichsmuller shows he still has quality of a champion and slots exactly a tenth and a half slower than Perfectelli. Which leaves only unpredictable Van Der Liegan who appears to be on form this weekend but not quite enough form as he misses out on a front row slot by fice thousands of a second.

Grid:

1 – L. Larsson (Swe) Al-Ikea Islam – Volvo 2m11.655
2 - P. Perfectelli (Spa) Skoda 2m 11.957
3 – A. Van Der Liegan (Hol) Tango-Daewoo 2m 12.008
4 – T. Reichsmuller (Ger) Minardi-Sauber-Willaims – Ferrari 2m 12.109
5.- K. Dzevesky (Cze) Skoda 2m 12.254
6 – K. Lakepi (Ton) Minardi-Sauber-Williams – Ferrari 2m 12.490
7 – D Shavnov (Rus) Ferrari 2m 12.766
8 – M. Senna (Bra) Always-Skoda 2m 12.811
9 – T. Rachtova (USSR) AHR-Renault 2m 12.980
10 - R.Ontario (ITA) Tango-Daewoo – no time set
11 – M.Washington (USA) Always-Skoda 2m 12.999
12 – M. Button (GB) AHR - Renault 2m 13.023
13 – J. Chan (Chi) Mclaren - Ferrari 2m 13.270
14 – N. Piquet (BRA) Ferrari 2m 13.432
15 – T. Ecossais (Fra) HRT -Cosworth 2m 13.723
16 – B. Jones (GB) Waltz - Renault 2m13.967
17 – L. Akurtapxe (Ton) Waltz Renault 2m14.133
18 – G. O’Reily (Ire) Mclaren-Ferrari 2m14.659
19 – J. Bolt (Jam) Mcdonalds 2m14.890
20 – L. Durham (GB) Hesketh - Cosworth 2m15.100
21 – R. Piquet (Bra) Hesketh - Cosworth 2m15.233
22 – J. Richards (USA) Mcdonalds 2m15.323
23 – A. Karamalitinenko (USSR) Flabio Moda - Daewoo 2m15.600
24 – M. Al-Khaliffa (UAE) – Al-Ikea Islan – Volvo – no time set

Outside of 107% - Yamamoto (Flabio Moda), Kharki (HRT)

teabagyokel · 20 March 2013

Koka-Kola Formula One Iranian Grand Prix

@ Bushehr Mohammed International Circuit

Apex Sport Race Report

Off the line Perfectelli beat Larsson, with Reichsmuller, Dzevsky and Lakepi holding station behind Van Der Liegen. Shavnov and Ecossais were falling through the field quickly, while Senna was only avoided this fate because team-mate Washington was overly accomodating. This left Button directly behind Rachtova; when AHR pulled over the Russian girl, she waved her more usual team-mates at Always through as well.

Lap 3, Top 10: Perfectelli, Larsson, Van Der Liegen, Reichsmuller, Dzevsky, Lakepi, Ontario, Button, Senna, Washington

With ARSE allowed from Lap 3, suddenly Tango's superior system saw their drivers miss the corkscrew on the Ahmedinejad straight and end up 30 seconds into the lead. The half-second rule meant they regularly switched places until Ontario was taken out of the race by himself from Friday practice. A mistake like this could lead to F1 being out of temporal sync with the world for 9 months, Apex Sport awaits confirmation.

Van Der Liegen was hardly moved by this crazy event - he regularly saw double - so his Tango had a magnificent lead. Larsson was blocked by his own blue-flag ignoring team-mate and passed by Minardi-Sauber-Williams' Reichsmuller. Shavnov recovered to pass a thoroughly demotivated Rachtova for 10th.

Lap 14, Top 10: Van Der Liegen, Perfectelli, Reichsmuller, Larsson, Dzevsky, Lakepi, Button, Senna, Washington, Shavnov

The pits brought much more interest. John Richards, trying to lean over to inspect the front-tyre switch fell through the side-pod and was narrowly avoided by Lord Durham, also in the pits, who careered into the garage with his KCPPDAS still pushing the throttle, ending up with both covered in an unholy mix of chip-pan fat and McFlurry.

Rachtova complained about the DUDS' operation, saying the team was "unnecessarily taking the *crackle*" on team radio.

Perfectelli's race was over however, as his drive-train came loose, thus causing him to stop dangerously infront of Reichsmuller. With that the two old Champions were out of the race and a Safety Car called.

Lap 23 SC, Top 10: Van Der Liegen, Larsson, Dzevsky, Lakepi, Button, Senna, Washington, Shavnov, Chan, Rachtova

O'Reilly was able to read Waltz' intentions after hearing "Box lap 27, Box lap 27, You've got no grip any more, You've got no grip any more" coming out of the Waltz pit. Flipping the bird at the Bread of Heaven adapters, O'Reilly got the "undercut" and set off after Nelson Piquet V. Rachtova, meanwhile, was reminded her career was on the line and passed Chan.

Skoda were to suffer another retirement as Dzevsky pulled over to the side with a DREGS failure. Van Der Liegen was making no mistakes despite being hassled by Larsson, largely because the Dutchman didn't even notice the Swede was there. Lakepi was bound not to last in a podium position as he unluckily had an ARSE error behind the held-up Larsson and found himself stuck behind a gate on a service road. A quick reverse kept him in the top 10.

Lap 32, Top 10: Van Der Liegen, Larsson, Button, Senna, Washington, Shavnov, Rachtova, Lakepi, Chan, N. Piquet

With only 5 laps remaining, O'Reilly pulled up behind Nelsinhoinhoinhoinho and started hassling the Brazilian. The Irishman was through in less than 2 laps and set off after his team-mate. Jacqui Bolt, meanwhile, had to retire after her rear wing fell off. Her lunch that evening was not a Happy Meal.

Chan put in some wild blocks on O'Reilly, meaning the Irishman hit the roof after the finish. Larsson passed Van Der Liegen at last, but this turned out to be mistimed as Smoky got back past into the ARSE sector. With the Ontario issue though, Tango are unlikely to ever show off this superiority again.

A great victory for Smoky, and the after-party should be "Jammin'!"

RACE AND CHAMPIONSHIP POSITIONS

1. A. Van Der Liegen (Tango)

2. L. Larsson (Al-IKEA Islam)

3. M. Button (AHR)

4. M. Senna (Always)

5. M. Washington (Always)

6. D. Shavnov (Ferrari)

7. T. Rachtova (AHR)

8. K. Lakepi (Minardi-Williams-Sauber)

9. J. Chan (McLaren)

10. G. O'Reilly (McLaren)

A. Van Der Liegen (Tango) 25
R. Alonso (AHR) 25
L. Larsson (Al-IKEA Islam) 24
M. Washington (Always) 20
K. Dzevsky (Skoda) 18
M. Button (AHR) 15
P. Perfectelli (Skoda) 15
J. Chan (McLaren) 14
M. Senna (Always) 12
D. Shavnov (Ferrari) 10
R. Ontário (Tango) 8
T. Rachtova (AHR*) 6
K. Lakepi (Minardi Williams Sauber) 5
H. Akitauraxpe (Waltz) 2
G. O'Reilly (McLaren) 1

AHR 46
Tango 33
Skoda 33
Always 32
Al-IKEA Islam 24
McLaren 15
Ferrari 10
Waltz 2
Minardi Willams Sauber 5

Fenderman · 20 March 2013

APEX SPORT 2112

Koka-Kola Formula One Iranian Grand Prix – Tech’ Reveal Preview

@ Bushehr Mohammed International Circuit

Tech Reveal Report Preview (Editorial for short)

Followers of the F1 2112 season have been going through serious torment for some nine months or so. The FIA has launched an investigation with the aid of Commission for Monitoring Time Warp Indiscretion and Twisted Thinking (ComTWITT). The suspicion is that the Active Reverse Space Equaliser(ARSE) technology employed by some teams effectively eradicated nine months of time from the season. The Bushehr race circuit, complete with infrastructure, thousands of spectators, VIP's, media peep's, pundits, hundreds of team personnel, drivers, track and FIA officials have been “missing” for nine months. How it happened is at the moment a total mystery.

The gap appears to have been universal across the sport with accusation and counter accusation flying in all directions. One outrageous suggestion was that one of our intrepid staffers, RasputinLives , was responsible for causing a temporal rift by using time-warp technology to perform his write-up of the qualifying session in time for his dead-line and the race.

In another twist, the whole season that we had experienced was temporarily deleted by the series founder teabagyokel . The time-warp had given him the impression that there had been a complete lack of interest in the sport. That was not an unreasonable assumption as there is a historical precedent from the 21st century.

Back then, one Bernice Ecclesthump and his cronies at the old FIA had contrived to delete the old F1 World Championships. Stringent regulation of the technology limiting innovation and super strict rules on driving etiquette made the sport so uninteresting that it disappeared completely from Free to Air Radio and Telly (FART). Not long afterwards it disappeared altogether as fans switched allegiance to a new 72 hour endurance racing series.

Editors note: We won't go into the controversy surrounding the Free to Fans Speed (FFS) for race weekends controversy ...

Anyway, we digress. Happily with the sudden reappearance of the Iranian Grand Prix, TBY was able to report the latest on track action and Radical Bootson was there with his "Rad's Notebook" to delve underneath the bodywork. His Tech' Reveal follows just as soon as he can make it up.

Tellie Fenderman III Jnr. Editor, Rootersport (A division of Rooters Interplanetary News Corp)

Part one of the Koka-Kola Formula One Iranian Grand Prix – Tech’ Reveal follows soon

teabagyokel · 22 March 2013

ECCLESTONE DECLARES HIS CLOCK THE "ONE TRUE CLOCK" - APEX SPORT

Asked about the potential consequences of the 9 month temporal problems that caused the Iranian Grand Prix to disappear for a while, Bernie Ecclestone's brain-in-a-jar denied any such thing had happened.

"I own the clock. This clock runs time for me. What happened is an inexplicable breach of the space-time continuum everywhere but the Bushehr Mohammad International Circuit. We carry on, on to China next."

"Anyway, its fantastic for F1 in Iran as the temporal displacement of the rest of the world means the sun seen at the circuit still sets a couple of hours later than elsewhere, meaning the Grand Prix can be optimised for European viewers."

So although it is 2113 for everyone else, the 2112 season will run to a proper conclusion!

teabagyokel · 26 March 2013

APEX SPORT PREVIEW

Rolando Alonso is nine-months older than at his last Grand Prix. Having missed the flight to Iran, he alone missed the temporal incursion which has left F1 2112 out of the loop for those months. Undeterred, Alonso and the remaining staff at AHR spent the time banging in the hours on the test track, which is legal under the rules because from F1's perspective that time did not exist.

He also comes to Zhangzhou without the temporal headaches afflicting most of the paddock. Particularly badly affected is Roberto Ontario, who is at the centre of the storm. Tango are very weary about his condition, but figure he is probably as well cogent as his intoxicated team-mate Arnold van der Liegen, race winner last time out in Iran.

The Jiulong Marina Circuit was the first to have an over-water section, meaning Aussietyre Co. have been forced to supply their Amphibious "Frog" and harder "Toad" tyres for the Grand Prix. This will affect handling on the relatively benign first and third sectors, making this circuit very difficult.

Traditionally strong on the water are Skoda, but they do tend to set their cars up with extreme river bias. It is expected that Tango's FDFERS may improve their system. However, some team principals are trying to ban McDonalds' Exhaust Blown Sticky Tyre Diffuser over the river section due to concerns they could ruin the Jiulong river for generations.

Anyway, it is sure to be an exciting Grand Prix, and at least no temporal devices can generate the required speed to be used here!

F1 2112

Rooters Reporter

Here be dragons.

#dejavu

#dejavu

#dejavu

#dejavu

Rooters Reporter

#dejavu

No passing through my dirty air please

No passing through my dirty air please

#dejavu

Rooters Reporter

No passing through my dirty air please

No passing through my dirty air please

No passing through my dirty air please

No passing through my dirty air please

#dejavu

Rooters Reporter

#dejavu

#dejavu

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