The Paper Chain

Who knows? Let's ask Christian Horner if he can take over Webber's RB7 in Japan and see how it goes.

Mr Corner
c/o The Bubblegum Fizzy Drinks Company
The Land of Roundabouts

Dear Christian

We at Clip the Apex have always respected your every utterance and think you are a really nice bloke (despite the foot tapping during every race, what are you listening to on your iPod?). Anyway, can you settle an argument for us. That Aussie bloke has been a bit crap year (yes, we know Dietrich likes him but that's only because he has compromising pictures of him and Slavia Ecclestone in a Nuns outfit) so we would like you to put Nico Rosberg into the second RB7 at Suzuka.

We are sure if you rouge his cheeks, add some spray stubble, dye his hair and give him some platform racing boots no one will notice. Let's face it his accent is less weird than Marky Mark's anyway. So, go on Christian, there's a nice bloke. I'll even buy you a can of Coke to wash away the bubblegum flavour from you mouth.

Cheers

Your every loving fan

FB

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear FB

Thank you for your long loving letter. In answer to your question I am listening to "Who Let The Dogs Out" on my IPOD on repeat through out the entire race. I find it helps me focus. The tapping foot is not because of this though but because Dietrich insists I set an example to the team and down ten cans of our Red Bull stimmulation drink before the race and I'm extremly caffine sensitve and therefore can;t stop moving. If you look closer you'll see I'm strapped into that seat.

As concerns your request regarding Nico I'm afraid this is not possible. We have a strictly no blondes policy at Red Bull as we believe they have too much fun. You may be interested to know though that although this years second driver is refered to as Mark Webber the real Mark Webber was actually taken to the back of the garage and shot with 3 races to go last year as Dietrich was scared he might just beat Vettel. He then found a down and out F1 driver and paid him to have plastic surgery to look exactly like Mark. Yes you've guessed it Nelson Piquet Jr is the new Mark Webber. Don't tell anyone

Kind Regards

Christian Horner

 

[teabagyokel]

This is a scrap of paper that has reached TBY Towers!

Dear Flavio,

I'm afraid to inform you that our advisor, Mr. Marko, has shot Mark Webber, although Mr. Mateschitz has decided to take the blame for this unfortuanate occurance in public. We would like to ask for your help in procuring a new driver.

We want someone who is prepared to make sacrifices in order to remain a Number 2 whipping boy in Formula One, and who is not capable of getting the car off the line should he outqualify Mr. Vettel. We believe you are the right man to furnish us with such a driver.

Mr. Newey has asked for permission to redesign the face of the appointee.

Kind Regards,

C. Horner

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Mr Horner.

I will be quite happy to supply you with such a driver. I actually have many a candidate - especially one's who could benifit from an Adrian Newey face re-design. Before I supply this to though you must do me a favour. After a losing a game of naked twister to Bernie I ended up as the owner of some little know football team called Queens Park Rangers. You don't happen to know a slightly naive millionire who is willing to chuck big sums of money into sport in the vauge hope of some success do you? If you can find someone then I'm happy to supply your driver.

Cudos by the way on the shooting of Mr Webber. I like strong action within a team. I had the same idea about Jenson Button back in the day but when I came to take action I found someone had tiddled in my gun barrel and the dam thing wouldn't work. Curse that John Button.

Yours

Flavio

P.S: I found this curry flavoured gum in the shop and thought of you! enjoy!

 

[FB]

Bubble Gum Drinks Company Internal Memorandum​

From: D. Make a da shitzs
To: Chrissy Horny

Chrissy,

Some disturbing information has come to my notice. My beloved Marky Mark Mcwebfoot has been cruelly slain and an imposter has been smuggled into one of my beloved Bubblegum race cars. Explain yourself Chrissy and your double life as a pornographic actress. I know it wasn't Slavia in that Nuns outfit as I could here "Who let the dogs out" coming from her iPod earphones so I have to conclude it was you, you harlot.

Give me back the pictures and have that Pee Kay bloke kicked out of the team. Never liked his version of The way to Amarillo anyway. I suggest Nick O'Rosberg so we can tap into the Irish drinks market

Dietey

p.s. love to Aidie - hope he enjoys the Benny Hill box set.

 

[Jos the Boss]

Dear Mr Flavio

I'll do it, but I have a friend names Tony who might like it better, and playing naked twister with Nico 'Brittany' Rosberg is much funner. He really dosent hold back, Please see attatched video

R.Branson

 

[Road of Bones]

From the Desk of Ron Dennis
McLaren Technology Centre
McLaren Towers (formerly Woking)
Surrey
England

Dear Christian,

It has been brought to my attention that you may possibly be in requirement for a supporting biomaton to pilot one of your infernal Fizzy Drink Cars.

I may remind you that both of our headline biomatons are under contract, and I am certain that the prestige of their occupying a McLaren racing car seat far outweighs the transient and morally dubious "honour" of playing second fiddle to the Insufferable Teutonic Digit.

However, as a fellow swimmer in the Piranha Club, I appreciate that there is an obligation upon me to at least facilitate a dialogue between ourselves as a defence against Luca and his flaming Latins, and the perfidy of the FIA (may they be thrice-cursed).

To that end, might I suggest a suitable replacement for your Antipodean pilot? We had some dealings some years ago with a young German - a nice lad, if a little strange of speech. We always intended to give him a drive, but one thing led to another, and I ended up with another Fast Finn instead - sadly he proved to be rather careless of the machinery we provided him, but that's another tale entirely...

I understand the German in question is now looking for a drive again - I wouldn't take him now, frankly, as I always follow dear Margaret Thatcher's line: "Never trust a man with a beard - they're probably hiding something from you". I think he'd fit your bill perfectly, while at the same time allowing the McLaren Racing Concern to have at least a sniff of a chance. I think you'd have to concede that you've had a decent trot, but it's time for someone else to get a look-in at the silverware, hmm?

Anyway - give my regards to Mr Heidfeld.

Yours,

Ron Dennis

P.S. isn't it about time you let me have my Adrian Newey back? He's only on loan, you know...

 

[RasputinLives]

Dear Ron,

Thank you for your letter. After consulting the new Red Bull sponsored english Dictionary I was able to understand it and even enjoy it.

First let me put your mind at rest that thanks to Flavio, Tony Fernandes and a bottle of extra stong White Lightning we have now sorted our second driver situation. On this subject could you please advise your drivers, esepcially Mr Hamilton, of this as although his letters asking for employment were amusing at first they are now starting to get a little scary. The last one appeared to be written in the blood of Adrian Sutil and whilst I'm assured by Adrian that it was given willingly along with all his other bodily fluids its not the nicest thing to get through your mail box. If he would like to send us more naked pictures of Nicole though the boys in the garage would appreciate them - can he cut himself out of them though this time?

Regarding your advice on the old bearded German fellow; whilst I understand that after years of experience you probably have a good knowledge of F1 drivers I can't help but remember you describing Jan Magunerson as a future world champion. I'm afraid this does put me off your advice a little.

On a completely different subject it would be wonderful if after the race in Japan you could join myself, Martin Whitmarsh and John Button for one our infamous 'Drunk Hungry Hungry Hippos' tournament. Martin talks about you all the time and I think you'd have a lot of fun, We'd even let you be any colour Hippo you liked(apart from pink - thats Johns and he gets mardy).

Kind Regards

Christian Horner

P.S: Hands off Newey!

 

[Road of Bones]

From the notepad of Ron Dennis
McLaren etc...

CH didn't fall for the Heidfeld ploy should I explain that I thought Jan Magnusson was related to Magnus Magnusson?
LH unhappy with his lot?? memo to Martin re: motivational incentivising of disenchanted biomatons

"Drunk Hungry Hippos"?? memo to Martin re: profitless & inconsequential leisure pursuits

Shopping list:
Cereal Bars
Soymilk
Twiglets
Lobster chunklets
more Darjeeling

To do:
Remind Martin that the reading of Clip the Apex is to be discouraged amongst McLaren employees.
(note to self - new CTA password "Project 6")

 

[teabagyokel]

From: Newey, Adrian
To: Dennis, Ron
Cc: Head, Patrick; Horner, Christian; Mateschitz, Dietrich; Coulthard, David
Subject: Loan

Dear Ron,

I have informed you I have terminated my employment at West McLaren Mercedes in 2005, to move to the Red Bull Racing team. While I enjoyed my time at the McLaren team, your provision of substandard engines from Mr. Haug at Illmor was most off-putting.

I would appreciate a cessation of all suggestions that I am both (a) still a McLaren employee or (b) showing a highly suspect liking to David Coulthard in my career choices. My relationship with Mr. Coulthard is at most platonic, and I will never design a McLaren again if you continue to stalk me in this way.

Yours truly,

Adrian Newey

PS. I wonder if BBC Sport need a designer?

 

[RasputinLives]

From: Horner, Christian
To: Newey Adrian
Cc: Vettel, Sebastian, Piquet(snr), Nelson, Mateschitz, Dietrich
Subject: Facial Re-Design

Adrian,

Just a quick not about the Webber 2.0 design. Can I remind you that the entire point of the project is to reconstruct "Driver A" to complete resemble the late Mark Webber in order to cover up our little accident? I know the newer lower angle nose you have installed along with the flexi low jaw line and shark finn style hair cut will make the driver more aerodynamic and therefore faster but thats hardly the point is it? Please follow the exact blueprints and meet the specifications.

Also while we are on the subject the company has told me they will no longer fund the compansation claims put in by pit lane mechanics after you've tried one of your little 'experiments'. I too think that they would be far more useful if they had wheel nut guns on the end of their arms instead of hands but the families of the individuals involved don't agree for some reason.

Best Wishes

Christian Horner

P.S: Have you thought anymore about my idea to have the engine play "who let the dogs out?" through its cylinders when fired up on the grid?

 

[FB]

Dear Christian

Please, please, please let me drive your car next year.

Love Lewis

Age 26 ½

 

[Road of Bones]

Memorandum of Instruction (Draft Copy)
From: Ron Dennis
To: Biomaton no.1
Cc: Martin, New Boy

Lewis,

You are reminded that the terms of your McLaren indenture do not expressly permit the bleeding of acquaintances to further your misguided career aspirations. What you do with pictures of your alternate-gender life-companion is also governed by the McLaren code of ethics - they should not be of a salacious or "racy" content (however "hot" said companion may be).

For reasons that I would rather not divulge at present, for reasons of McLaren security, I require you to be patient and desist from badgering Mr Horner - the tide will turn and the world will tremble beneath the tyres of the Mighty McLaren Empire! You will have a not-insignificant role in the furtherance of the McLaren way, but you must facilitate an attitudinal re-vectoring.

For all the infuriations of his father's disgusting habits, Biomaton no.2 is proving to be a more than satisfactory McLaren asset - I am considering a re-designation of the biomaton ordering system and enhancing his salary and privileges. I need not emphasise that this would of course come at the expense of your own position within the organisation.

McLaren prevails,

Ron

note: Martin - do you think this is acceptable? You know how I have difficulty communicating with youths these days - modern education standards being what they so lamentably are. Tell the New Boy that he has to watch out for Lewis straying from the McLaren enclosure at race weekends - perhaps some form of electronic or magnetic tracking system? (note: ask Adrian to design one) (note - explore options for "Operation Re-Acquire Lost Designer")

 

[RasputinLives]

RE: Memorandum of Instruction (Draft Copy)
From: Martin Whitmarsh
To: Emperor Dennis
Cc: John Button

Ron,

Whilst I think your memo is very...ermmm....inspiring maybe like me you could try to communicate with Lewis in a language he is familiar with. I know from listening to his Ipod once he's into that Gangsta Rap stuff so why not try inspiring him in that style? Like this:

"Yo Hommie! why ya chat wit dat Horner dude bout rollin wit him and his possie? Mclaren ist dope dude! We may be inda catacoombs now but we ist the original gangsta's! Fed's most wanted! Public Enemy number 1! We'll be king of da streets again and Horner and his hommies will be lying in chalk! scnizzle ma nizzle?"

Something like that may inspire Lewis just a little more.

On another note Christian has told us he invited you to our post race games night after the Japanese Grand Prix and myself and John would like to second the invitation. John is going to bring some of his home-made wine and it has a real kick! We don't have to play Hungry Hippos either if you'd prefer something else. I'm a bit of a specialist at Operation if you want to take me on.

Hail Mclaren and Project 6

Martin Whitmarsh.

 

[cider_and_toast]

Extract from the soon to be published - "Jenson - My McLaren Diary"

Thursday 29th September

Dear Diary.

Woke up at 4am this morning with the Clash's "Should I stay or should I go?" going around and around in my head. Turns out I'd gone to sleep with the radio on but it could be an omen. Lewis asked to borrow my red crayon today, he said he needed it to colour in a picture of an MP4/9 but somehow I don't believe him. He seems a little troubled at the moment. I hope he gives me that crayon back because I need it to colour in my picture of the Ferrari 312T2 if I'm to impress Mr Dominospizza and hope he will give me a job.

 

[Road of Bones]

From the Notepad of Ron Dennis
McLaren etc.

Memo to Martin re: incomprehensible gibberish & guttertalk. Also - remind him that "McLaren prevails" is the appropriate sign-off for all internal correspondence, and that "Project 6" is an officially-deniable Anthracite Operation involving the search for the source of information finding itself on CTA, and should never be committed to print.

Memo to Biomaton no.1 - send as is

Consider alternative excuses appointments for post-Suzuka. Possibilities:

• Impromptu Overseas Spanner Audit
• Meet with Terence O'Speer re: Project 5 upgrades?
• Briefing session with the New Boy (get Martin to remind me of his name - S.M?) - most likely

Must not be drawn into leisure pursuits with John Button!!!

Books I wish had been written:

"The Joy of Carbon Fibre Bonding Techniques"
"Build your own RB7"
"Biggles Drives for McLaren"
"How to lure back a disenchanted former employee - volume 2"
"The McLaren Way - the vision for our Global Future"
"Practical Disposal of Inappropriate Urine"

 

[RasputinLives]

Dearest Jenson

As I've not heard from you in the last few days I'm a little worried that you did not recieve my 16 answer machine messages and 39 text messages so I thought I'd write to you via e-mail.

I'm a little worried my Jensey Jenson. Whilst going through your bins I found some left over Tesco's ready made Italian food packets and whilst out stalking you walking my dog I saw you coming out of Waterstones with a 'Teach yourself Italian' book. As your my most trusted wusted little wittle besty friendy when I heard that eyebrow man talk about wanting you as his team-mate and rumours that you might go and drive one of those red cars I thought it was all obvious lies but now I'm starting to wonder different. You wouldn't leave me would you Jenson?

Please don't go Jensy Baby. I don't know how I'd cope without you. I couldn't live without our in-depth conversations about racing, spacing and all things that are bracing. Don't leave me here with Ron and Lewis they hate me! You know Lewis has never trusted me since that time I told him I didn't like the black wine gums and he took it wrong. You know Ron doesn't respect me. I told him the other day not to stop treating me like a child and he didn't even listen! He just stopped my pocket money and grounded me for a week! How can I cope here without you Jenson? You are my stars and my moon! I wouldn't even have your dad to hang out and play board games with!

Please don't leave me like this Jenson. After everything we've been through together we really do belong to go. If you do have to go can you take me with you? I can do anything for you. Food Taster, Bed Warmer.....secret lover. Anything.

Lots of Love

Martin

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

P.S: I know it would have looked much better written in blood but apprently the doctors have told Adrian that he can't donate anymore for a while.

 

[cider_and_toast]

TO: martin.number2@mclaren.uk.ok
CC:bigron.stillmyteam@mclaren.uk.ok

Marty baby

Chill out man. It's not you it's me. I just need a little space to think things over. You know how I don't like it when you're clingy. Anyway, I couldn't leave you and Big Ron in the lurch now could I? Not after all you've done for me. Anyway, I've a simple explenation for everything. The Tesco's take away meal (Italian Chicken on a bed of pasta Ferrari) was all they had left on the shelf at my local Tesco express, you know what it's like, you get in late from some intense contract negotiations errrr visit to the travel agents to book a flight to Italy ahem.... um.... late night shopping to buy my dad a new backgammon set after someone (I'm looking at you Martin baby) chucked a wobbly and threw the set out of the window after loosing for the fith time. And as for the teach yourself Italian book well, the other day I purchased the biogoraphy of Enzo Ferrari and it was only when I got home I realised I'd purchased the Italian langauge version. So instead of taking it back I thought I'd buy "teach yourself Italian (motorsport special edition) so that I could get an authentic flavour of the great man himself.

I appreciate that you would have written this e-mail in blood and I know that you would swim naked through a lake of petrol with a lighted match clenched between your buttocks just to watch me do a hot lap from the pit wall and trust me Marty baby that kind of love is truly aprreciated.

I won't let you down.

Jense

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

P.S. I don't want to tell tales out of school but don't you think Lewis is getting a bit chummy with Christian these days?

 

[Jos the Boss]

Sexy Jensy

What's on your mnid?

I tried to follow your lead but you know, No scusi dove vai oh grande, so I'll have to come round yours and maybe you can teach me? Or can you come to mine and maybe we can have some fun with the new shower.
But I don't mean to rush after all what we shared in Canada was so special I can never forget what happened. In the pouring rain at around turn 7 and we shared that kiss. It was so passionate and sensitive you hair was so soft and your lips so tender, but anyway I don't mean to drag on you know what happened after

Ti amo, si bel ragazzo

Marty
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[teabagyokel]

A bottle washes up on the coast on the shore. The word "Fosters" is just intelligible on the side of the label. It contains a letter.

G'day, whoever opens the bottle.

First of all, I'm still alive. Marko tried to shoot me but I escaped. I ended up on a boat drifting out to sea to a desert island. I was wondering how the hell I was going to eat the shrimps without a barbie when I heard a noise in the bushes...

"Bonjour?"

A Frenchie, I thought. Maybe someone providing me with one of them great engines that Horner says come from down the dunny. Anyway, the Frenchman took me ... erm ... outback of the island, to the camp. He introduced himself as Seb "Not that One", and said he won the Champ Car, but he went into F1, challenged "that German" and ended up on the island.

He wandered into a clearing where he introduced a group of ex-F1 drivers, all of whom I thought were still in Europe. Here they are in order of arriving on the island.

• Jacques has been here since the winter of 1997. He was celebrating his World Title, talking about going into Le Mans to "do a Graham Hill", when he ran into Damon on a corridor and woke up here.
• Jarno was celebrating his Monaco Grand Prix win in 2004 when his team boss shouted "not so fast". Misunderstanding the call, he beat Alonso home at the Nurburgring then woke up here.
• Giancarlo tells a similar story of his win on debut for Renault in 2005. He says he walked out of the paddock into a large Italian then ended up on the island.
• Then there was Seb, who I've mentioned, and I've not got enough paper to repeat things.
• Heikki was given an "Atoll Proscription Cognizance" to sign by his team boss after the 2008 Hungarian Grand Prix, and didn't understand what it meant.
• Michael arrived after knackering his neck in 2009, before getting drunk with his brother at a family party in 2009 and waking up with a massive hangover, and finding his friend Felipe also washed up on the beach at the same time.

Like I say, a rescue attempt would be appreciated, Jacques spent 6 years with a rugby ball named "Gilbert" as his only company.
And before you ask, no Australian will ever be found without his bottle!
Tooroo,
Mark.