ROOTERSPORT

ROOTERSPORT Issue 1 August 2011

Welcome to Rootersport News, a new initiative from our beloved Rooters News Group. We have launched this new comic following the recent disappointing read in the pages of our competition. We thought that it was high time we jumped onto the bandwagon to dish out some predictable drivel and show the tabloids how it should be done. The whole team (that's me backwards with an 'a' and a 't' in it) are so excited we can't possibly tell you how much! So, enjoy the first issue of Rootersport as it may well be the last!

ROOTERSPORT NEWS - MONZA PREVIEW

Part One - Team Principles (if they have any) or Minion's Interviews - Tellie Fenderman interviews some of them

Red Booll - Christmas "Has Come Early" Horny

TF: "Last time out you came away with another one/two. Did that make you happy?"
CH: "Yes."
TF: "Monza is a very fast circuit with not as many twisty bits in it like Spa. Is there anything that you will be doing differently there?"
CH: "Not a lot."
TF: "Some people in the paddock are saying you've got both championships pretty well wrapped up. Do you agree with them or can you see a threat from any of the other teams, like McLawrence, Fewwawi or HRT?"
CH: "Yes ..... [] ....... and ........ No."
TF: "Last question, if I may. What are your plans for next weekend?"
CH: "Win."

McLawrence - Marwash Whitmunch


TF "Marwash, you had a bum deal at Spa. Were you surprised that your blokes couldn't take advantage of Red Booll's stupidly excessive camber angles and the resultant tyre degradation that you should have been able to capitalise on especially as Lewisham was nearly as fast Fettle?"
MW: "Eh?"
TF: ".... bum deal ... Spa. ... surprised? ... camber angles, tyres, take advantage of, etc. ...?"
MW: "Our camber angles were pretty out there as well."
TF: What about the Kamikaze/Lewisham incident?
MW: " .... mumble ... should've .... brakes ... mutter ... novices .... same track ... shouldn't be .... hrumph."
TF: "But Lewisham said he was 100% to blame. You don't see it that way then?"
MW: "Lewisham is under team orders to flimflam the media. He meant to say that to Ted Kravitz but dropped a page of the script. By the time he picked it up Ted had gone to talk to someone else."
TF: "I must press you on this as the rest of the race was really quite tedious, what with all the overtaking and Red Booll winning, as usual, and all that, everyone has been talking about that incident ever since, so our readers really need to know what is the official view of the team?
MW: Generally speaking our view is rather limited to the main straight from the exit of the last turn to the entry of corner one. Everything else we view on the pathetic little monitors on pit wall and in the garage."
TF: "Thanks Marwash, and good luck."

Fewwawi - Stephen Demoncello

TF: "Steve. Can I call you Steve? Don't you think you should have done better at Spa?
SD: "No and No."
TF: "Monza this weekend is your home race. Is there anything you're going to do differently there?
SD: "Get home much earlier for tea."
TF: "Your two blokes, Ferrariando Notsoslow and Phillup The Messa are really effin fast on their day. Have they got round hairy things (often kicked for comedic effect) to give Red Booll and McLawrence a really hard time, and maybe come away with the spoils?
SD: "Noi preferiamo un coppio di trofei e casa carico di punti."
TF: "Grazie, il Capo di tutti Capo."

Tellie Fenderman. Rootersport.


Issue Two really will be every bit as interesting

Rootersport (a division of Rooters If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them, News Agency Thing)

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

Oh Yes!! Another Issue of ROOTERSPORT NEWS – June 2012​

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Montreal Magic – The Annual Surprise The Fans and Paddock Championship​

Special Guest Writer Issue No.2​

Editorial – Tellie Fenderman (Ed)
Following our hugely successful theft of Slyboogy 's thrilling race report we thought we would do it again. Why? Because HammydiRestarules has written a blinder that is so good we would have nicked it even if it had been a 78 page dossier of some other bloke's IP!

Last weekend's race in Canada was typical and not unusual at all. Circuit de Gille Villeneuve always surprises the punters, pundits, paddock and, of course, the fans. After a worryingly uneventful first half, Rootersport staff had to hold their chins up as their gobs were wide open in awestruckness. Yes, it could be said the DRS zone was typically meh, but the chases put up by the fastest chaps on the less tired tyres to catch the equally fastest chaps on the knackered rubber were enthralling. Today, Fenderman, as he usually does before making his half dozen minds up as to whether or not we can write anything anyone else would want to read, has again read a stack of posts on the only interweb forum worth the effort, "Clip the Amplitude". This time we came across a race review by another of our most esteemed fellow forumers, HammydiRestarules. Yes, that's right, we found another wonderful piece that we can share. If you have not already read the original post, here it is in its entirety.

This is a second for ROOTERSPORT as we take off in that new direction we mentioned after Monaco. So here is our latest fix, injecting new spirit, determination and, not forgetting, some content into our erronious rag. Read on and enjoy.

THE RACE - Montreal Magic, What? No Rain? No Safety Car? Crikey!​

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Aww Awesome race had everything from Strategy and Speed. My thoughts on the top 10 + Di Resta and Buttons races.

Lewis Hamilton:
Aww, where do I start. Fanatastic on the attack racing made some awesome overtakes on Alonso and Vettel. Was nevrous when he made that second stop and the others didn't but his speed in that final stint, even though on fresh rubber was just breathe taking. Am well impressed with how he kept his cool and finally won what could turn out to be a privitol turning point in the championship. Fanatastic bloody brilliant Lewis Hamilton .

Romain Grosjean:
Man I totally didn't see him getting a podium at all in this race. He suddenly came from no-where to finish on the podium. Awesome to make those soft tyres work for 50+ laps and still have the pace. My driver of the day, has to be Hamilton was awesome but Grosjean was simply superb.

Sergio Perez:
Right starting 15th! and finishing on the podium is blooming awesome. He was so good with his tyres and really did put in some brilliant super fast laps too. Fighting for just major points was best he could hope for but like Grosjean Perez getting on the podium was totally not expecting it.

Sebastain Vettel:
Think gambling on just a one stopper scuppered his chances of finishing on the podium, it was so obverse that he needed to 2 stop and had he come in around the same time as Lewis he could well have ended up finishing second. Late pit stop was just too late, but still decent points for the current world champion, but could have been better.

Fernando Alonso:
Awesome effort to try and make that one stopper work, had the race finished 6 laps before it should have he would have made it work perfectly. Still I really do think he did a super job under the circuimstances and really do can't blame Ferrari for trying something different. Just Unlike Grosjean he wasn't gonna make his tyres last.

Nico Rosberg:
Decent race for Nico and but wasn't really in contention for a podium finish, however you can't fault him hes a consitant points scorer this year.

Mark Webber:
Had a weird race really. It all started on Saturday when he qualified on those prime tyres. Even though he tried his hardest to keep up with the front 3 in the first stint but it wasn't enough and settling for 7th is all he could have wished for.

Kimi Raikkonen:
Was so brave in trying to make a one stopper work. Could have finished higher though but still points finishing position for someone who has been away for 2 years and back in just his 7th race. I think 8th is just about right.

Kamui Kobayashi:
Solid day for Sauber all round. Kamui keeps up his scoring strike and helps his team to a double points finish, decent race for him.

Felipe Massa:
Could have been so much more, but mistakes and tyres falling off the cliff really hampered his race. Although saying that this is another points finish for the Brazilian if he keeps his head up the results will eventually turn into podiums.


Now for Paul Di Resta:
Strategy cost him a points scoring position, think he could well have scored points had that not happened. I really hope he can do well next race.

Jenson Button:
At the end of the day little running on the Friday killed his weekend. But I really hope the real Jenson Button shows up again and soon as Lewis can't win the WCC all by himself.


Fascinating race and throughly enjoyed it. Am so proud i didn't find the result out until i watch the race this evening. Awesome result all round this race was . Apologise for the essay had alot to say .

HammydiRestarules

Guest writer for Rootersport

Original post can be found here: http://cliptheapex.com/threads/2012...ying-race-discussion.5052/page-20#post-134875

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

Oh Yes!! Another Issue of ROOTERSPORT NEWS – June 2012​

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Valencian Ice Cream Surprise – Not The Annual Sleepfest Championship Race Weekend​

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Special Guest Writer Issue No.3​

Editorial – Tellie Fenderman (Ed)

This is a third for ROOTERSPORT as we continue in that new direction we took off in quicker than a 'Webber Valencia Fly Past'. Our latest guest, unbeknownst to him until I hit the “post reply” button, is mjo. Such an eventful day, this one will go down in history. Valencia is a circuit that until now had been one of the two sleep-fest meetings of the Formula Wonderful World’s fastest Blokes Championship. This time it wasn’t. Continuing in our series of guest writers Read on and enjoy.

Whilst we wait for @mjo's piece here is a taster from MCLS we now share with you his superbly neutral summary of todays event and prelude to Sunny Silverstone

Valencian Ice Cream Surprise – Not The Annual Sleepfest Championship Race Weekend – What? Smashes, crashes, mistakes, overtakes and safety car? Why, YES!

After a Grand Prix in Valencia which was probably better than all the others put together it shows that F1 2012 is completely mad. For the first time this season there is a driver with 2 wins after Fernando Alonso benefited from a retirement from Vettel and any pressure from behind was gone when Grosjean lost drive not long after Vettel stopped. The big talking point came on the penultimate lap involving Maldonado and Hamilton which resulted in Hamilton being pitched into the wall and Maldonado lost a podium which seemed pretty certain as it was only a matter of time before he passed the McLaren who had fallen off the cliff.

Without the safety car it was likely that Vettel would have won at a canter as he was a long way ahead before the race changing event in the middle of the race, but he pulled up soon after the restart gifting Alonso the lead and he would keep this until the end of the race, and because of Hamilton's issues he inherited the lead of the Championship with Mark Webber's fourth place meaning he jumped up into second place. Perhaps the biggest shock of the weekend was a first podium for Michael Schumacher since his return to the sport in 2010. Both his and Webber's strategy meant they were able to come through the field and claim major points just like Alonso did as all three started outside the top 10.

Fernando Alonso's victory marks a dramatic turnaround in fortunes for Ferrari as he stormed to victory in a car which was barely faster than the midfield cars at the start of the season, but now the car is as consistently fast as the Lotuses and the McLarens, certainly in race trim anyway but not quite up to the level of the Red Bulls as shown in the early race but we've still yet to see a straight fight between Alonso and Vettel which would provide a true reflection of where the teams are at.

Once again Lotus had the pace for a victory and had Grosjean not have retired he could well have possibly claimed a maiden win for him and the team. Kimi Raikkonen spent most of the race stuck behind Hamilton which prevented him from having a shot at Alonso and by the time he got past there were just a few laps remaining and claimed a comfortable second place which he said underwhelmed him, although since when has he ever been anything but that!?

Looking ahead to the British Grand Prix the atmosphere will once again be fever pitch as McLaren could well be in their best position yet to compete for victory with the high speed corners suiting the MP4-27 and knowing the British summer it could well be a cool day which will suit the car even better and both Hamilton and Button will be fighting for the win. Jenson Button has had a horrid record at Silverstone with no podium finishes in the 12 years he has been driving in Formula One. Hamilton has a better record with podiums in 2007 and 2010 and a famous win in the wet in 2008 where he destroyed the competition.

I know that quite a few members from this site are going to the grand prix and I hope that you all have a great weekend, providing McLaren can nail down their pit stops there is a very good chance that a British driver could be at the top step of the podium, or who knows, if Lotus can finally find the sweetspot then perhaps an eighth winner can be on the cards!

For Galahad's brilliant circuit write up - http://cliptheapex.com/pages/silverstone-circuit/

MCLS
Guest writer for Rootersport

Original post can be found here:http://cliptheapex.com/threads/2012-british-grand-prix-practice-qualifying-race-discussion.5146/

EDITOR'S NOTICE​

Thanks to timely intervention by Josh Rooters has been saved some embarrassment. However, we could not let this go without our customary apology for cocking something up. So our apologies to @mjo who now finds himself responsible for writing a write up that will be posted here as soon as I have received it in a pm! Hah! the joys of being one's own editor.​

What a gas!​

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Fenderman !​

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[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

Oh Yes!! Another Issue of ROOTERSPORT NEWS – June 2012​

Valencian Ice Cream Surprise – Not The Annual Sleepfest Championship Race Weekend​

Talking Point – Valonsoencia 2012​

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Lewisham Hamburgerman expressed no regrets about defending against Pastemintothebarrier Malicious-do-now-or-dont-do’s attack. With his boots off the cliff at the end of the Europhilean Grand Prix, the tussle ended in a collision with the McLawrence in pieces. Hamburgerman was holding second behind Ferrariando Notsoslo's Fewwawi before running out of tyre grip. Kimi Rekomingone in his NotaLotusitsarenault had passed him as his boots gave up their grip and on the penultimate lap Malicious-do-now-or-dont-do thought he could do the same but didn’t.​

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"My tyres were gone," said Hamburgerman. "I don't know where to but they weren’t underneath me anymore.” Rooters asked if he felt he should have waved a white flag to signify surrender and let Pastemintothebarrier go, Hamburgerman chuckled: "You never let people past. You've got to race for every position you can get. I don't really know what happened. I went into the corner and I didn't come out.” When he woke up it was all over and the rotund lady was singing her head off.​

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Malicious-do-now-or-dont-do blamed Hamburgerman. There’s a surprise. Not.​

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Rooters caught up with WitchHunterGeneral who wrote this:​

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“Other drivers knowing their tyres are shot might let people go. Even so those overtakes were executed the right way when the victims were sitting ducks. Had Malicious-do-now-or-dont-do execised a little patience he would have had no trouble in passing Hamburgerman under similar circumstances on the next straight. Unfortunately, when the pair were entering that corner, Pastemintothebarrier should have been able to judge that he would not have been on the race track once into the turn itself. He says he was pushed off the track but he placed his car in the hope of an overtake around the outside that could not possibly be done within the confines of the track limits. Therefore it was his responsibility to back off and get himself into the correct position for a safe pass later. He did not do that and, predictably, ran off the track.”​

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“His next decision should have been to stay off of the track, back off a bit and return safely behind Lewisham. Had he overtaken Lewisham whilst outside the track limits he would have been required to cede the position back so that was not an option for him, apparently. Instead he wilfully, purposely steered his car into the side of the McLawrence and continued to push it clear across the circuit and into the wall. His reward for his transgression was a miserly 20 second time penalty. Huh?? Yup, that’s what I wrote ... 20 seconds.”​

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Thank you, WitchHunterGeneral, appreciated.​

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Rad Booton. Rootersport ​

(a division of Rooters News Group, a group of fictional characters in Fenderman's head incorporating Badgers Today) ​

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Coming soon another Guest Writer race review from mjo who has marvellously bitten the bullet and accepted the challenge laid down by me, Fenderman (heh, heh) by complete mistake! It's a good job I'm not a jack-man ... oh, wait ...​

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

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Oh Yes!! Another Issue of ROOTERSPORT NEWS – July 2012​

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Hockenheimring Race Weekend Preview Special - Part One​

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Talking Point – Tellie Fenderman Interviews Mark Webbedfoot​

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Editorial​

Tellie Fenderman caught up with Mark Webbedfoot after his stunning result at the Blighty Grand Prix and having just heard that Red Booll and Marko have exchanged signatures for another season. This is great news for all of the fans who have been debating for months about whether or not Marko was headed to Fewwawi and would Lewisham Hamburgerman have a hard time with Seb Winfinger Fettlespeltvettel as a team mate. Well the speculation is over and a potential seat for Hamburgerman - if indeed he has thought about jumping ship like some of his fans think he should - has gone. Marko is still sitting in it, at least until the end of 2013. So, here is Tellie's interview with Marko. Enjoy.​

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The Fenderman, Submarine Editor, Rootersport​

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Webbedfoot Bares His Chest and Other Parts​

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TF: So, you’ve got a contract with Red Booll for 2013. Did winning the Blighty Grand Prix, oh and for a second time, have anything to do with it?

MW: I’ve been with Red Booll Racing since 2007, won nine grands prix. If confidence can get you stoned then I’m spaced and firing on all eight cylinders, mate. I’m very comfy with the Team and I know them like I know my own armpit. We’ve grown up together and it’s, like, absolutely the right thing to stay with ‘em for another season.

TF: Chrissie Hornyman told us hacks that you have driven very well this season and reminded us that you’ve made ten poles, nine wins and thirty-one podiums with Red Booll. How do you feel about them?

MW: The team’s working real hard to get better in all areas and we’ve shown that together we can win races.

TF: How’s that?

MW: By winning them, mate!

TF: So, with Seb Winfinger Fettlespeltvettel already contracted to the team, this confirms the Red Booll Racing’s driver line-up for 2013. How does that feel?

MW: Well, mate, I think that’s obvious to a Koala in a eucalyptus tree, ain’t it. Anyway, it’s great after me Silverstone win and I’m looking forward to competing on the edge and pushing meself in every race again next year.

TF: Yes, but what about Seb?

MW: What about Seb?

TF: I mean, are you going to keep thrumping him in the team-mate face off’s as some predict on Clip, or do you think he will fight back?

MW: Well my favourite bloke is Mick Doohan, super inspiring. I like Spa, think that’s me favourite track ...

TF: What about Seb?

MW: Me best win was Monaco in 2010. Biggest prang must have been Brazil in 2003 ‘cause it was the hardest hit I’ve ever had and it totally knocked the wind out of me lungs, mate.

TF: What about Seb?

MW: I remember me first race. It was at Amaroo Park, back home in Ozland. Oh and I had a great win in '98 at the Suzuka 1,000kms. It ain’t all about F1 ...

TF: What about Seb?

MW: ... hmm ... well I suppose you could say he’s me toughest team mate, but I’ve got a motto to deal with that sort of thing.

TF: What is that then?

MW: Don't believe people's reputations

TF: Well, thanks Mark. It’s been great having you on my newsbreak and best of Blightyish for the German.

MW: No worries. My pleasure Afrodude.

Tellie Fenderman, Anchorman (and one of many fictional characters in Fenderman's head) Rootersport (a division of Rooters News Group, incorporating Badgers Today)

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

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Oh Yes!! Another Issue of ROOTERSPORT NEWS in July 2012​

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HungarianpeepsMagyarring Race Weekend Special​

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Talking Point – Tellie Fenderman Interviews Ferrariando Notsoslow​

Editorial

Tellie Fenderman caught up with Ferrariando Notsoslow after his storming defeat of all the other fast blokes in Prussianland. So, here is Tellie's interview with Ferrariando. Enjoy.​

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The Fenderman, Submarine Editor, Rootersport​

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Ferrariando Notsoslow meets Tellie Fenderman on Neutral Territory​

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Tellie: Nando, thanks for joining me for a chat today. Can I ask how you’re feeling after that brilliant drive in Prussianland?

Ferrariando: Mucho gusto, Tellie. It’s good to see you.

Tellie: Thanks, so how are you’re feeling after that brilliant drive in Prussianland?

Ferrariando: With my hands and nerve endings in other parts of my body, mostly.

Tellie: I hear you went to Italy to the earthquake zone ...?

Ferrariando: Si, I wanted to visit Mirandola to let them know we have not forgotten them. The people from here are strong, they have the same character as the people at Ferrari, people who never give up. I’m not saying anymore because Rootersport is a comedy thread. ¿De acuerdo?

Tellie: No hay problemo. A lot of the punters think you’ve got one hand on the title, already ...?

Ferrariando: Creo que we are in a good position in terms of puntos but we are only halfway there. There are another ten important races with the same possibility for everybody. You just need one or two good races and you are up there.

Tellie: Oh, so you think you might have difficulty keeping it up?

Ferrariando: No, I keep my personal life totally separate from racing. We need to keep the concentration, maximise what we have in our hands each weekend.

Tellie: What do you make of how miserable Webbedfoot and Fettlespeltvettel looked after the Friday practise sessions?

Ferrariando: Nyahahah! That’s what ‘appens when you can’t blow your own diffuser anymore. Heh, heh, heh.

Tellie: So how do you think Fewwawi are going to stay on top?

Ferrariando: We can’t afford to make any mistakes or anything that we will regret. We need to keep some good consistency but as for championship it is way too early ... McLawrence, Red Booll and LotusnotaRenault and Mercator Projected - anyone is in contention at the moment.

Tellie: So who or what do you fear most?

Ferrariando: ‘amilton from a fast bloke point of view. From an unguided missile and shit happens point of view ... Maladyrearendo!

Tellie: Well, muchos gracias, Ferrariando.

Ferrariando: De nada. It was how you say? Your pleasure.

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Tellie Fenderman, Anchorman (and one of many fictional characters in Fenderman's head) Rootersport (a division of Rooters News Group, incorporating Badgers Today)

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

Oh Wow!! An Issue of ROOTERSPORT NEWS in October2012​

Editors note regarding the following advertisement: Rooters is even more skint than the last time we did this so we have decided to renew our advertising deal with one Bernice Ecclesthump. Rooters can continue to provide the dismal service to which you have all become accustomed. Again, we apologise for any offence that these advertisments may cause but with the utmost insincerity. However, we really do hope that you enjoy them.

Thank you. Fenderman The Boss Editor Bloke

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[Fenderman]

Slyboogy That's because it's a fake !!

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Important Notice to Rooters readers​

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Remember to acquaint yourselves with the rules for Clip The Apex Presents threads:​

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http://cliptheapex.com/threads/about-this-forum.3586/​

If you would like to contribute to Rooters News, Rootersport, or Rooting Today here is how to do it!​

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Step 1) Write a stunning review of any of the sessions that take place over a race weekend​

Step 2) Inject some humour into it​

Step 3) Say something like "I wish I could be a guest writer in Rooters"​

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If your item meets one or more of the above criteria, or stands out in some other way, I will steal it and you will find yourself as a guest writer in Rooters, even if you don't really want to be one. Nyah, haha ​

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P.S. Slyboogy .... we are still waiting for you to start your own Clip the Apex Presents thread. You know you can do it!!!​

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Tellie Fenderman, Anchorman (and one of many fictional characters in Fenderman's head) Rootersport (a division of Rooters News Group, incorporating Badgers Today) ​

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT
Oh Wow!! An Issue of ROOTERSPORT NEWS in October2012

ADVERTISEMENT

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

It's ...................................................................................................... an Issue of ROOTERSPORT in Nonember 2012 !!​

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ABOO DUBBY - BACK IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE - PART ONE​

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Editorial​

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Well, here we are again in the Middle East for a late afternoon early evening qualifyfighting session. As I write we are an hour or so away from the start of what promises to be one of the most tense and exciting qualy' punch ups of the season. Seb Winfinger Fettlespeltvettel and Ferrariando Notsoslow are the last realistic contenders for the title with everyone else including Lewisham Hamburgerman consigned to also-rans.​

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Meanwhile, fans, pundits and commentooters are arguing the toss about whether or not Seb's and Red Booll's success is down to Adrenaline Newideascomestreamingateveryraceweekend's car or Seb's driving. Is it Newie's amazing understanding of aerodynamics, the Coanda effect and pumping oil to parts of the car where it shouldn't go on the one hand or Seb's incredible ability in the cockpit on the other? Hmm, just maybe it is both.​

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Anyhowsy, Rad Booton is there to find out ... read on ...​

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Fenderman, Editor and Head Honcho, Rootersport ​

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It's come down to two contenders and an outside bet​

by Rad Booton​

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Yuppityyup, as our fantastic Head Honcho says battle has commenced in the meeja and on forums across the planet as fans of one guy are set to tear each others heads off over the "Is it his car or his driver" debate. Well, thankfully the Red Booll has suddenly turned to crap and only Seb's ability to get 110% out of the car enabled him to place it 3rd in FP3 behind the McLawrence's. ​

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Second raters Hamburgerman and Buttman took 1st and 2nd respectovely as their cars have suddenly become the best of the pack, at Aboo Dubby at least. Languishing in 8th place in FP3 was Notsoslow. Can he bring his motor up the grid? Will Fewwawi's new front wing do the trick? That work of artistic brilliance sure looks fussy enough and there is no debate about Notsoslow's ability to bring six 10th's to any donkey that he drives.​

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So, can Adrenaline Newideascomestreamingateveryraceweekend and his engineers pull something out their helmet for qualifying? If not can Winfinger get another 10% out of what is clearly a dog of a car this weekend?​

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Cannot wait to see it. TV meeja qualyfighting coverage has started. I'm off to watch it on telly because Rooters can only send Fenderman head inhabitants around the world via Astroprojection (i.e. the imagination to the uninitiated).​

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More on this exciting story to come in part two.​

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Rad Booton, (and one of many fictional characters in Fenderman's head) Rootersport (a division of Rooters News Group, incorporating Badgers Today) ​

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[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

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It's ...................................................................................................... an Issue of ROOTERSPORT in Nonember 2012 !!​

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ABOO DUBBY - BACK IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE - PART TWO​

It's come down to two contenders and an outside bet
by Rad Booton

Blimey! Knock me down with a feather duster! Stone me! Crikey!

I could not have made it up. Lewsiham Hamburgerman blew the opposition into the weeds this afternoon. That was no surprise to his avid fanpeeps or the inhabitants of Fenderman's head. We kept the faith, even if my sarcastic earlier piece may have suggested otherwise. Strangely though it seemed to surprise a lot of other peep's except Ant "The Ant" Davidspawn and Marty Bundleoflaughs who correctly predicted his pole. Webbedfoot outblasting Fettlespeltvettel to second spot was surprising. Fettlespeltvettel still languishing in third was perhaps a litle more surprising.

However, big upset of the day was the insufferable way that the FIA kept all the punters on that venerable interwebsite Clip The Apex waiting for the outcome of the most hotly debated Stewhard's enquiry of recent months. Seb Winfinger
Fettlespeltvettel was instructed to park up at the end of qualyfighting without getting back to parc ferme under its own steam. Shades of Espania and Hamburgerman style penalisation loomed aloft like the Sword of Damoclesover the Red Booll garage.

The FIA's most kind-hearted and well meaning Stewhard's had the courtesy to ensure suffficient time to elapse so that Jo and Jolene Public could speculate about electrical problems, gearbox issues, KERS failures, fuel problems and the like ad nauseum. Finally, after a hearty supper, the Stewhard's delivered their verdict. Fettlespeltvettel consigned to the back of the grid for an infringement similar but different to McLawrence's in Espania earlier in the season.

Well we can't say they're inconsistent can we?

More on this exciting story to come in part three.

Rad Booton, (and one of many fictional characters in Fenderman's head) Rootersport (a division of Rooters News Group, incorporating Badgers Today)

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

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It's ...................................................................................................... an Issue of ROOTERSPORT in Nonember 2012 !!​

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ABOO DUBBY - BACK IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE - PART THREE​

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Twentytwo down and one to go – but which one?
by Rad Booton


Holy Moly! Strewth! Jeez! Me k’yan believe et!

Hamburgerman’s last stand and early exit was like something out of a bad Yankee race driver movie. Even Slyvester Stallion’s box office dumper truck of a corn-fest, Drivel, failed to think up that one. Healthy lead after great start, total mayhem from turn one and ... doh, engine failure. Later we learned it was a failure of one of the cheapest components one can find on an F1 car, the fuel pump.

Until the last few laps it was a crash fest and then it became a nail biter. Notsoslow’s Fewwawi inexorably hunted down the LotusnotaRenal of the Finnish bloke who himself had inherited the lead from McLawrence’s Grenadian Geezer who had lost his grunt. The Finn, Rekomingone, was not to be denied his destiny to finish first at least once this season.

Meanwhilst, the rising Prussian Star had fought a strangely mixed bag of a race, having started from pit-lane in a completely different car from the one in which he had qualified. The vagaries of Formula Wonderful’s rule book meant that having been penalised for failing to provide a big enough fuel sample his cunning team made use of a classic loophole to re-engineer his car for the race. Now it was significantly faster in a straight line and somewhat more nimble in the corners. Fettlespeltvettel flew past all opposition with consummate ease. I am convinced that for some strange reason the rest of the grid started in GP2 cars by mistake. Taking candy from babies falls well short of what Winfinger did to the rest of the pack. This guy was taking seminal fluid from dads. Even a knapsack full of errors thrown at him by Murphy failed to slow his progress to an eventual third step of the podium. To say that he must be blessed is an understatement.

Back to Notsoslow. Desperately trying to grab another seven precious points he fought right down to the last gasp on the last lap but it was never enough. The Finn took his well deserved win and Winfinger once again extended his slender lead in the Worlds Fastest Blokes Championship.

Next Time on Formula Wonderful

So, twenty-two contenders have fallen by the kerbside and only a two-man shootout remains. The Formula Wonderful Circus heads off to the Good Ol’ US of A, to Austin (not the British Leylined one) in Tex-ass, no less. The Yanks appear to have made a good job of the brand new circuit. A tricky run uphill and blind crested turn one that looks like a mirror image of that of the A1 Ring (now renamed after some bloke), is followed by a lot of wiggly bits, some straight bits and. in there somewhere. is a facsimile of the now legendary Turkish Turn 8. The coming Sunday should be novel and maybe even fun.

So, is there anything that can stop the Prussian juggernaut or will it go to the wire in Brazil? There’s a safe bet and an iffy one. My money is on the guy who has Lady Luck tattooed on his butt. Only a miracle can deliver any hope for Fewwawi’s Notsoslow. Even Mildtornado has stopped attacking people and GrossJeans is too frightened of crashing into people to be anywhere near the front. Maybe The Elderly Prussian Falling Star can misjudge his braking distance or something. Unlikely, methinks. No, I’m sticking with my prediction. Winfinger will be champion by the time the Sun goes down on this years Formula Wonderful Drivers World Championship and that may just be in a few days time in Yankland.

Autumn is short - Winter isn’t

The Winter months promise to be an interesting time as the conspiracy theorists heat up their keyboards. Endless analysis of the Red Booll’s wobbly front wing and flexible nosecone will be matched only by endless analysis of the Fix-It-Any-waywecan’s flexible and rubbery technical rule book. Marwash Whitmunch’s enemies will be calling for his head some more as the endless analysis of McLawrence’s failure to deliver a WDC for Hamburgerman and then, Ye God’s, to lose him, continues to infuriate the team's fans.

And what about a couple of other blokes? Will Willums regret having two young shavers whose promise is more than their capacity? Fwank’s team’s story is a tale of a good car wasted. We will never know how good that car is because Sennapod is not Ayrton and Mildtornado is slow without his red mist. It is easy to forget that Willum’s got a win this year with Hugo Chavez’s young buddy at the wheel. Next season the upgrades will have turned it into a new machine. Methinks it will need to be driven by some new men. Bott-ass looks like a good bet for one seat, to me.

Oh, well. See you in Tex-ass. Yee-haw.

Rad Booton. Rootersport
(a division of Rooters News Group, a group of fictional characters in Fenderman's head incorporating Badgers Today)

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT

It's ...................................................................................................... an Issue of ROOTERSPORT in Nonember 2012 !!

Estados Unidos de America Grand Prix
Circuito de las Américas​

Editorial

Well, stone me! The Good Ol’ US of A delivered the goods in Austin, Tex-ass. As we suspected the Yanks did indeed make a very good job of the Circuit of The Americas. It's funny how some things turn out. The brand new track surface was so beautifully laid with an immaculately smooth and silky surface it looked positively gorgeous in the Texas sunshine. The facilities looked pretty good too, taking plaudits from those wealthy enough to enjoy them and the folk's in the cheap seats alike. However, Bernice Ecclesthump dodged a buffalo hunter's slug big time. Timing the Austin GP to fall on the same day as NUTSCARS final race of the season showdown promised to be an error on a scale not seen since the sailing of Titanic with too few lifeboats. Only in this case it could have been launching a race track without enough passengers. Fortunately, somone had the foresight to bus in most of the Mexican F1 fans on the planet. Our edition title in Spanish is our tribute to them for saving Ecclesthump's skin. More from Rad ...

Hamburgerman and a snipped FIA gearbox seal ensures the title fight goes down to the wire
by Rad Booton

Pirlelli's boot engineers had the stunning foresight to go conservative and dish out the midrange boot choices for the weekend. That clever move ensured that the Worlds Fastest Blokes in the Worlds Fastest Racing Cars would need a good dose of Formula Drift technique, just to survive let alone race.

Throughout the practise sessions and qualyfighting we were treated to some spectacular four wheel slides and off track excursions. Thankfully, CoTA and Hermano Tilkedrome had taken the precaution of saving gravel and laying hectares of multi-coloured tarmac run-off. Had that not been the case most of the grid would have been trashed in P1. So, there we were on Sunday expecting all Hades to break out in turn one but ... it didn't!

Fettlespeltvettel got a great start on the cleaned up, rubbered in side of the grid whilst Hamburgerman slithered on the slippyside only losing one of the predicted two positions in a scuffle with Webbedfoot. Meanwhilst, Notsoslow, who had been gifted a slot on the grippy side in the controversial FIA seal snipping incident, got himself into fourth by the time the chaps headed downhill toward turn two. Behind them the rest of the field slippy-slid in close combat in and outside of the track limits. From then on us folk's watching the action on the box in our comfy chairs were treated to a remarkably good race.

Hamburgerman had a stab at Webbedfoot in the Don't Race but-Slip-right-by-easy zone but faffed it. Not one to give up lightly, his next attack was swift and sure, leaving Webbo behind in his dusty wake. Now in second place, The Ham became The Hunter relentlessly dogging the Winfinger. Winfinger at times looked pretty good but at other times looked rattled. Puffs of smoke emanated from his unloaded front tyre as Seb occasionally but uncharacteristicly locked a brake as he desparately fought off the determined Hamburgerman.

Meanwhilst, there was action a plenty as Feduppabeinanumbertwo Messuplessthisseason fought to retain respect having been subjugated by Fewwawi, again. Micky The Prussian Shoemaker suffered the indignity of being one of only two chaps on track suffering from tyre deg' - the other being Rosicrucianberg - and the subsequent high-standing in the "Most Overtaken in a GP" stat's. Still The Prussian can take some small comfort in the knowledge that the Hernias Really Trying team's expertise in that class is perhaps unbeatable. Hamburgerman's rear gunner, Buttman, struggled to keep up but fought hard with some great passing here and there.

Back to the front guys and we have Hamburgerman make his one pitstop on lap twenty (I think it was) forcing Red Booll to respond. When the stops have played out, Winfinger is still in front with The Ham picking up where he left off, breathing heavily down the young Prussian's neck. Notsoslow is third, with Messup and Buttman squabbling over fourth. Webbed foot has gone out with yet another alternator failure. Renal are bothered and Chris Hornyman's foot is vibrating on his footrest at more beats per minute than a steam hammer at full throttle.

Winfinger looks to have things under control with Hamburgerman cycling through the permutations of when to use the KERS and when to save it, DRSing when he's in the window and KERSing when he's not. Backmarkers come into play, sometimes to Seb's advantage, sometimes to Lewisham's. Then, whilst the television producer is thinking about something else, Hamburgerman judges that this is the lap. He susses out where he needs to be to grab the opportunity to pass Winfinger who will find himself behind that doyen of mobile chickens, KartsarewhereheshouldberacingnotinF1. Getting within the one second window, he has saved all of his KERS for this opportunity and, with full discharge and DRS flap flipped wide open, he pounces. From then on until the checquered flag, he fends off a desparate Winfinger.

Why do I say desparate? Well, it is only a personal opinion but, as Hamburgerman pulls his move, poor Seb' is on the radio calling it a crazy overtake. The Red Booll's car body language was that of a scared crapless kitty cat, skitting all over the place. Winfinger's engineer implores him to focus. The commentooters reckoned it was Hamburgerman chopping across Winfinger's front end but in-car footage, seen later, shows Hamburgerman on a straight undeviating trajectory. Sometimes I wonder if the commentooters actually watch with their eyeballs and not their preconceptions. Anyway, enough said that's just the kind if distraction from the story that folk's don't need - so I'm guilty too [Note to self - could edit that out. No can't be arsed].

Back to the race. Finally, the defensive tools in Hamburgerman's racecraft armoury hold sway and he crosses the finish line to achieve a notable victory. He won the last US GP held at the famous Brickyard, Indianapolis in 2007 and here he wins the first of the new US GP era. Winfinger extends his lead on Notsoslow by three points to thirteen in The Worlds Fastest Blokes Championship and Notsoslow keeps himself in the frame for a title showdown in Brazilia.

Not since 2008 has the tension been so great for the season finale. Messupalittleless proved that being a poodle is not such a bad thing, for poodles. Can his poodleness help Notsoslow in Flippy's home race? Will we see an alternator failure alternate the title to Notsoslow?

Wow, what a season. A season of the artificial doo-dads and rubber dominating on track nonsense, mishaps, misdeeds and mechanical cock-ups and failures - and Auntie Booby really boobing, giving away one of the best F1 shows we've had for years. Brilliant.

Whoo-hoo, onto Brazilia !!!!!!!!!!

Rad Booton. Rootersport
(a division of Rooters News Group, a group of fictional characters in Fenderman's head incorporating Badgers Today)

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT
Another special ROOTERSPORT NEWS advertisement page issue in November2012

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[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

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An Issue of ROOTERSPORT NEWS – February 2013​

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Winter Thawing Out Issue​

Special Titbits of News

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Editorial​

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The pre-race-season testing-season is well under way and the Rooters News Empire is slowly crawling its way out of hibernation. The staff team have been splashing copious amounts of water on its bleary eyes and indulging in vigorous finger stretching exercises in preparation for the 2013 Worlds Fastest Blokes and Worlds Bestest Racing Car Builders Championships.​

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It will not have escaped the attention of regular readers of Rootersport that our coverage of events in 2012 was sporadic and indeed faded to nothing by the end of the season. That is because we got bored. Yes, the races were full of action with more overtakes than a competent TV director/producer could ever keep up with. But ho hum why should they bother? Unpredictable and spectacular overtakes can be counted on one hand whilst, in the main, the overtaken were sitting ducks. The "Dire Restrict Surprises" flip-flap rear wing crap continued to disappoint lovers of hard work yet made the casual fan super happy. So we at Rooters went to sleep early and have only just woken up again. Our next few issues are going to be tiddlers featuring just the odd titbit of news. This is just so Fenderman and Co. can get their eyes in and fingers warm.​

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Titbits of News​

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The End of an Era​

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2013 represents the end of an era for Formula Wonderful (F1 for short). It is the final year of the venerable V8 normally aspirated screamer. It also seems to be the end of F1 as the pinnacle of motor sport. 2014 will see the introduction of tiddly little V6's fitted with turbo's to compensate for the loss of cc's and make them more fuel efficient and cheaper, apparently.​

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What Will Be Rootersports Next Headline about Fierce India?​

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Brogan reports that Adrian Subtle (aka Eddy Slasher Subtle) is to have a seat fitting ahead of the next test session. The implication is that he will have one of their seats for 2013. However, things might not go well at the test so what are we going to read when Rootersport unearths the nugget of news from the murky world of F1's underbelly? Well, we have a number of options and time will tell which header will lead into the story.​

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Option A: Seat Suitable for Subtle at Fierce India​

Option B: Subtle's Seat Fits Subtle but Subtle Doesn't Fit Fierce India After Flunked Test​

Option C: Slasher Subtle Grabs Seat After Successful Pre-Season Test Sessions​

Option D: Fierce India Face Furore From Fans After Fitting Seat for Slasher Subtle​

Option E: Fans Fear Carve Up As Fierce India Fits Seat For Slasher Subtle​

But maybe the real headline has yet to be thought up ..

...watch this space ...​

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Rad Booton, Rootersport (a division of RooterNation Enterprises incorporating Rooters News, Rooters World, Rooting Today and a whole load of other stuff made up as we go along) ​

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[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

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An Issue of ROOTERSPORT NEWS – February 2013​

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More Winter Thawing Out Stuff​

Special Titbits of News

Just the other day we at Rootersport were wondering what kind of lap Lewisham Hamburgerman would put in on a dry Top gear test track. Well now we know.

When Tellie Fenderman asked him how it feels to be back on top of something (as opposed to his yummy girl friend) he had this to say to his competition and his anti-fans "Well ..."

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"... !!"


Rad Booton, Rootersport (a division of RooterNation Enterprises incorporating Rooters News, Rooters World, Rooting Today and a whole load of other stuff made up as we go along)

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[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

An Issue of ROOTERSPORT NEWS – March 2013​

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Page One​

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Coming Soon! Forget Australia, that was okay and nothing to write comedy about!​

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No! It's Malaysia's Sepang Surprise!​

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Editorial​

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Well, what a shocker! Never before has Rootersport thrown in so many exclamation marks before our write up has even started. Following a seriously non-comedic start to the 2013 Formula Wonderful season, with a very normal sort of outing in Oz, we were treated to a whole different ball game in Sepang. There was so much going on in the run up to and through the race weekend that we at Rootersport have run out of pencils to sharpen, coffee to drink and fingernails to clip.​

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Over the next few pages we will cover everything from the melting tyres debate to the fuel conservation team orders good or bad hair pulling podium psychological team-mate scuffle.​

First up will be Rad Booton's Notebook, just as soon as we've sat back to watch it all over again on Auntie Boobie's channel. So, if you go away, don't forget to pop back!​

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Rootersport (a division of RooterNation Enterprises incorporating Rooters News, Rooters World, Rooting Today and a whole load of other stuff made up as we go along)​

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[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

An Issue of ROOTERSPORT NEWS – March 2013​

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Page Two​

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Rad Booton's Notebook Part One​

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The big talking point since Ozland has been about the dodgy boots. Pillerli have done a blinder of a job giving the teams what the Faff-around-with It All (FIA) governing body stipulated. Even Webbedfoot is disgruntled and at one point Skyhigh's Marty Bundleoflaffs quipped “the boots are melting”. Meanwhilst, the eagle eyed punter would be forgiven for mistaking that those gigantic marbles were humungous lumps of chewing gum.

The practice sessions and qualyfighting were marred by the monsoon heat and sporadic showers. Come raceday we had a grid order for the main event. However nobody in the Formula Wonderful Gentleman's club, grandstands, cheap seats or living room settees had a clue which team was fittest or fastest for the race.

When the red lights came on one by one and then went out all at once, so did the grid-full of the world's fastest blokes. All Hades broke out and first major victim was Ferrariando Notsoslow in the scarlet Fewwawi. Flippy Massresurgant made a great start as his team-mate's front wing tickled the Red Booll of Webbedfoot. Forgetting momentarily where pit lane started, Notsoslow started a lap he shouldn't have. Predictably he binned it at the next corner as the broken wing had tucked under the front of his errant Fewwawi, making it errant and gravel trapped. A forlorn pit crew carried his replacement wing and new boots back into the garage. Their despair would only be matched much later in the race as the long awaited 'controversy section' event unfolded. More about that later.

Meanwhile, massive marbles began to settle like huge black hail-stones in the high-deg tyre tornado of a race, the rest of the fast blokes raced on. It was a curious race. Great spurts of speedy laps were punctuated by slow, moody fuel and tyre conservation laps. Most attention was focussed (by the blokes who decide which bits we see on the telly) on the battle between the Mercator Projected and Red Booll teams and the intra-team-mate battles featuring Hamburgerman vs Rosicrucianberg and Webbedfoot vs Fettlespeltvettel.

We recommend fans to read Slyboogy 's and Galahad 's write ups here:

http://cliptheapex.com/threads/2013...ying-race-discussion.6054/page-13#post-187574

and here:

http://cliptheapex.com/threads/2013...ying-race-discussion.6054/page-14#post-187633

oh and there is HammydiRestarules 's take on it here:

http://cliptheapex.com/threads/2013...ying-race-discussion.6054/page-14#post-187788

More to come on Page three... P.T.O. (after I've had some supper)

Rad Booton, Rootersport (a division of RooterNation Enterprises incorporating Rooters News, Rooters World, Rooting Today and a whole load of other stuff made up as we go along)

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

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An Issue of ROOTERSPORT NEWS – March 2013​

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Page Three​

Rad Booton's Notebook Part Two

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Got a few nice quotes for you:​

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Asked what sort of race to expect Jonnie The Herbert said "It's going to be an interesting one. That's for sure." He wasn't wrong..​

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Bundleoflaffs says "Oh I do hope we don't get one of those red flag jobbies." We didn't.​

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My counterpart Misled Ted said in his Notebook referring to Seb Winfinger's apology "I've lost a little respect for him today" Me too.​

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Rosie Brawnychap to Rosicrucianberg "Nico ... Lewis's pace is what we've been asking of him. He is being controlled as well. He can go faster too." Fortunately on the Biomaton's move to BrawnMercator Projected, all the necessary software and ancillaries to control the Lewisham were kindly donated by McLawrence.​

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Marko Webbedfoot to Fettlespeltvettel at the top of the stairs in the little room next to the podium "Hrumph, Multi 21 mate!"​

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Another Markoism "It's the worst scenario for the team ... They're completely bricking themselves ... there's history ..." Hahaha, yes it is, yes they were and yes there is!​

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Skyhigh commentooter: "Red Booll have cancelled the team photo." Shocking news of a team black-out following podium furore (we'll tell you about all that later ... much later).​

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More to come on Page Four... P.T.O. (after I've had some kip)​

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Rad Booton, Rootersport (a division of RooterNation Enterprises incorporating Rooters News, Rooters World, Rooting Today and a whole load of other stuff made up as we go along) ​

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT​

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An Issue of ROOTERSPORT NEWS – April 2013​

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Page Four​

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Rad Booton's Notebook Part Three​

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Rad Booton reports from inside Red Booll's Malaiseya team photo​

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I'm just bringing you the last bit of my Malaiseya notebook from inside the Red Booll team photo'. Not a lot left to tell you really. The teams are off to Chinaland with all their kit and caboodle without letting me into any of their secrets, which is unusual. I got the feeling that some of them were upset about the "team orders furore". Some say "no publicity is good publicity" but in the case of the Sepnoprangsworthmentioning Circuit no news for most teams was no good.​

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As usual the interwebs were afire with blogposts, forumposts, newspeak and tellybabble about only one thing and only two teams. On one side of the diametrically polarised debates, Red Booll got it wrong and Mercator Projected got it right on the team orders front. In the other side it was the other way around ... ish. Needless to say there has been no middle ground with both Chrissy Hornyman and Woss Brawnybloke taking flak and plaudits in equal measure. Some forum sections were in meltdown as armchair enthusiasts punched the living daylights out of their keyboards and iPaddythingies.​

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Methinks the squabbling will continue all the way to Chinaland so I'm packing my bags and will see you there.​

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Kamui News Update​

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Meanwhile, Kamuicameearly Kobibashi is off to the "World Enduring a Whole F1 Seasons Worth of Racing in One day Championship" racing for the "Fewwawi OF Course" factory team. Having been cast aside by Formula Wonderful, Kamui San said "The World Enduring Championship is a wonderful opportunity to earn a living and to experience a series with lots of variety and innovative technology that's way more interesting than CURSE and DROSS.​

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I asked Kamui if he will miss Formula Wonderful. He told me, "F Won' can go stick its trophies where the big red sun will never illuminate." ​

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Rad Booton, Rootersport (a division of RooterNation Enterprises incorporating Rooters News, Rooters World, Rooting Today and a whole load of other stuff made up as we go along) ​

 

[Fenderman]

ROOTERSPORT
Another ROOTERSPORT NEWS special advertisement page issue, this time in May 2013

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