So, with the "Red Bull Ring" entering F1, I wondered what the teams would come up with if they decided to build their very own circuits for F1 races...
1. Red Bull Racing Circuit, Austria
Features:
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Features:
Features:
Features:
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Features:
Features:
Caratteristiche:
Features:
Features:
1. Red Bull Racing Circuit, Austria
Features:
- Extremely fast corners and almost no braking zones both to bugger everyone's KERS as much as Webber's and to fully exploit the latest Diffuser solution.
- The crest of a hill between P1 and P2 on the grid to ensure Vettel goes forward and Webber backwards at the start.
- An artificially darkened circuit to prevent anyone seeing the back of the Red Bull; disco lights etc. included so they can claim it's because they're a 24/7 Party Extreme Sports Fun Team.
- Short straights to advantage slow straight line speed.
Features:
- Huge grandstands to show off "passion of Ferrari fans".
- Stewards' room situated on Ferrari pit-wall, where various team members can apply undue pressure.
- Grid blocks drawn extremely close together to maximise quick starts and minimise iffy qualifying performance.
- Extremely low, perhaps even painted on, kerbs to ensure Massa can get over them.
- Huge VIP area containing every notable Italian, perhaps with someone trying to sell them all Ferraris on the side.
- Explodable tyre barriers for causing Safety Cars when Alonso falls too far behind the lead/is in a position to gain strategically.
Features:
- First ever indoor/underground circuit, with anthracite grey floors and a pair of white lines the only markings. - Think the one they actually produce themselves in Tooned.
- Absolutely no uneven floors. Walls and barriers at a prescribed, constant and parallel distance from the white line, all turns of constant radii and walls to follow.
- Sprinkler system to create Button-style changeable conditions/wash off unsightly tyre markings after sessions.
- Grids running alongside white lines to collect unsightly marbles.
Features:
- First ever noticeboard opposite grandstands which takes the piss out of opposition cars as they come past.
- Huge, wide run up to Turn One with no barriers in sight in an attempt to get RoGro through there.
- Ice-cream, vodka dispensers etc. etc.
- Portakabins lining pit wall to make it easier for drivers to take a shit.
- Pit lane speed limit of 5mph to punish anyone who can't preserve a set of tyres.
- Situated in Qatar to ensure track is suitably hot and dry - constantly!
Features:
- Extremely slow and narrow circuit with barriers never leaving the side of the track, no DRS, no fast sections, no overtaking.
- Qualifying on pole designed to guarantee race win.
- Race announced two weeks after Mercedes, in plain liveries and black helmets, have won it.
- Extra-large pit-walls to accommodate all Mercedes' team principals.
Features:
- Gigantic advertising hoardings to flog to the highest bidder.
- No colour if you're not being paid to splash it on.
- Corners designed for mad outbreaking Kobayashistic moves now left cut off by smoother turns.
- Surface designed so that the choice of tyres on race day is imperative, thus P11 best place to qualify.
Features:
- Lots of Indian branding without going within 1000 miles of India, just like their driver line-up.
- Loads of long straights
- Separate bars for different teams to prevent certain drivers getting too close to opposition team principals with champagne flutes etc.
- Mandatory stationary pit-stop time of 1 minute to allow Force to maybe catch up.
Features:
- Small 1980s size pits
- Mandatory large cockpits so drivers of all sizes can fit in, something that wouldn't be seen at the McLaren circuit...
- Run-off areas at least 150x track width to keep Maldonado away from the barriers.
- Large bins to deposit brown paper envelopes marked "PDVSA".
- Smaller, secondary circuit to give various paying drivers a chance to test a F2 car.
- Constructors' on the podium instead of drivers...
Caratteristiche:
- Angoli estremamente veloce e quasi nessun zone di frenata, sia per il KERS bastardo di tutti, il più di Webber e di sfruttare appieno l'ultima soluzione diffusore.
- La cresta di una collina tra P1 e P2 in griglia per garantire Vettel va avanti e indietro Webber alla partenza.
- Un circuito artificialmente oscurato per evitare che qualcuno vedendo la parte posteriore della Red Bull, luci da discoteca, ecc incluso in modo che possano pretendere che sia perché sono un 24/7 Festa dello sport estremo squadra divertente.
- Brevi rettilinei a vantaggio lenta velocità in linea retta.
Features:
- Turn One grandstand modelled on Loftus Road.
- No cameras to be trained on the Lotus team, having stolen Lotus from Lotus.
- Displays showing Caterham to be 1 second faster under the heading "At the next race..."
Features:
- Every corner shows "Visit
YorkshireRussia.... It's Grand" signs. - A huge tower called the Aon tower containing Aon's shareholders facing away from the track so they can't see what Max Chilton is doing to their investment.
- Completely flat so cars don't roll down dale.
- Large areas around garages so Marussia engineers can "network" with McLaren, Ferrari etc.