So, with the "Red Bull Ring" entering F1, I wondered what the teams would come up with if they decided to build their very own circuits for F1 races...
1. Red Bull Racing Circuit, Austria
1. Red Bull Racing Circuit, Austria
- Extremely fast corners and almost no braking zones both to bugger everyone's KERS as much as Webber's and to fully exploit the latest Diffuser solution.
- The crest of a hill between P1 and P2 on the grid to ensure Vettel goes forward and Webber backwards at the start.
- An artificially darkened circuit to prevent anyone seeing the back of the Red Bull; disco lights etc. included so they can claim it's because they're a 24/7 Party Extreme Sports Fun Team.
- Short straights to advantage slow straight line speed.
- Huge grandstands to show off "passion of Ferrari fans".
- Stewards' room situated on Ferrari pit-wall, where various team members can apply undue pressure.
- Grid blocks drawn extremely close together to maximise quick starts and minimise iffy qualifying performance.
- Extremely low, perhaps even painted on, kerbs to ensure Massa can get over them.
- Huge VIP area containing every notable Italian, perhaps with someone trying to sell them all Ferraris on the side.
- Explodable tyre barriers for causing Safety Cars when Alonso falls too far behind the lead/is in a position to gain strategically.
- First ever indoor/underground circuit, with anthracite grey floors and a pair of white lines the only markings. - Think the one they actually produce themselves in Tooned.
- Absolutely no uneven floors. Walls and barriers at a prescribed, constant and parallel distance from the white line, all turns of constant radii and walls to follow.
- Sprinkler system to create Button-style changeable conditions/wash off unsightly tyre markings after sessions.
- Grids running alongside white lines to collect unsightly marbles.
- First ever noticeboard opposite grandstands which takes the piss out of opposition cars as they come past.
- Huge, wide run up to Turn One with no barriers in sight in an attempt to get RoGro through there.
- Ice-cream, vodka dispensers etc. etc.
- Portakabins lining pit wall to make it easier for drivers to take a shit.
- Pit lane speed limit of 5mph to punish anyone who can't preserve a set of tyres.
- Situated in Qatar to ensure track is suitably hot and dry - constantly!
- Extremely slow and narrow circuit with barriers never leaving the side of the track, no DRS, no fast sections, no overtaking.
- Qualifying on pole designed to guarantee race win.
- Race announced two weeks after Mercedes, in plain liveries and black helmets, have won it.
- Extra-large pit-walls to accommodate all Mercedes' team principals.
- Gigantic advertising hoardings to flog to the highest bidder.
- No colour if you're not being paid to splash it on.
- Corners designed for mad outbreaking Kobayashistic moves now left cut off by smoother turns.
- Surface designed so that the choice of tyres on race day is imperative, thus P11 best place to qualify.
- Lots of Indian branding without going within 1000 miles of India, just like their driver line-up.
- Loads of long straights
- Separate bars for different teams to prevent certain drivers getting too close to opposition team principals with champagne flutes etc.
- Mandatory stationary pit-stop time of 1 minute to allow Force to maybe catch up.
- Small 1980s size pits
- Mandatory large cockpits so drivers of all sizes can fit in, something that wouldn't be seen at the McLaren circuit...
- Run-off areas at least 150x track width to keep Maldonado away from the barriers.
- Large bins to deposit brown paper envelopes marked "PDVSA".
- Smaller, secondary circuit to give various paying drivers a chance to test a F2 car.
- Constructors' on the podium instead of drivers...
- Angoli estremamente veloce e quasi nessun zone di frenata, sia per il KERS bastardo di tutti, il più di Webber e di sfruttare appieno l'ultima soluzione diffusore.
- La cresta di una collina tra P1 e P2 in griglia per garantire Vettel va avanti e indietro Webber alla partenza.
- Un circuito artificialmente oscurato per evitare che qualcuno vedendo la parte posteriore della Red Bull, luci da discoteca, ecc incluso in modo che possano pretendere che sia perché sono un 24/7 Festa dello sport estremo squadra divertente.
- Brevi rettilinei a vantaggio lenta velocità in linea retta.
- Turn One grandstand modelled on Loftus Road.
- No cameras to be trained on the Lotus team, having stolen Lotus from Lotus.
- Displays showing Caterham to be 1 second faster under the heading "At the next race..."
- Every corner shows "Visit
YorkshireRussia.... It's Grand" signs.
- A huge tower called the Aon tower containing Aon's shareholders facing away from the track so they can't see what Max Chilton is doing to their investment.
- Completely flat so cars don't roll down dale.
- Large areas around garages so Marussia engineers can "network" with McLaren, Ferrari etc.