Have you heard the one about...

FB

Not my cup of cake
Valued Member
"I'll never divorce my wife, I love my house too much" Bob Monkhouse

Two in-mates are escaping from an insane asylum in the dead of night with only the aid of torch to find their way. As the climb over the roofs they reach a point where they have to jump between two buildings. "I'm never going to able to jump that gap" says looney 1. "Don't worry" says looney 2 "I'll jump across and then shine the torch back and you can walk over on the beam of light". "Do you think I'm crazy" replies looney 1 "I'll get half way across and you'll turn the torch off"
 

cider_and_toast

Exulted Lord High Moderator of the Apex
Staff member
Premium Contributor
What do you get if you play a country and western song backwards???

You get your house back, your kids back, your wife back, your dog back...... LOL
 

GeoffP

Thank you and good night
Contributor
Hope this doesn't offend, but it's always made me chuckle:


One year Jesus goes to the Henley Regatta......

Walking along the banks of the Thames he notices all the hedonism going on with some disgust.

He get's to a gap, sits down under a tree and says "God...... Dad, are you there

"Of course my Son, I am always there"

"Dad, did we waste our time all those years ago? I mean look at the waste people are making of their lives..."

"Son, we always had to give them a choice"

"OK Dad, but maybe they just need to be reminded we exist, do you think we should let them see we are here?"

"Son, we've talked about this before - I let you do the wine thing, and raise Lazarus and a whole host of stuff before, but you were younger then, there were no cameras, I really don't think we should interfere"

"But Dad what about walking on water, they could all see, on film everyone will think it's just a stunt, and it may shock them into thinking..."

"Ok Son, but remember, don't give anyone your real name!"

So Jesus steps up to the edge of the river and a booming voice calls out "CLEAR THE BOATS"

The river is suddenly clear, everyone's watching, and Jesus steps out onto the Thames, he's walking on water!

Everything's going well, the crowd are mesmerized, there's a murmur going round about the second coming, then someone notices that Jesus is splashing as he walks.

He gets about 3/4 of the way across and it's up to his knees, he's looking a little worried, just as he gets to the far bank he's about to go under when a guy reaches out, grabs his arm and says "What went wrong, you were doing fine till you got halfway?"



and Jesus says...





Yup, you guessed




"Well, last time I did this I didn't have these sodding holes in my feet!"
 

Brogan

Leg end
Staff member
On a tour of Normandy, the Pope took a couple of days off from his itinerary to visit the North coast on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless
man wearing a French football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing English football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Frenchman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.

It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide France and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows **** all about shark hunting.
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
 

GeoffP

Thank you and good night
Contributor
HOW TO KILL AN EEL...

Little Tommy was 7 years old and like other boys of his age was rather curious.

He had heard a lot about courting and wondered what it was like, how it was done. He took his questions to his Mother who became flustered so instead of explaining it to him, she told him to hide behind the curtains and watch his Sister and her Boyfriend. He did this and the following morning explained to his Mother what he had seen.

Sis and her Boyfriend turned off the lights and then sat down. He then started hugging her and kissing her. Sis must have been getting sick as her face went funny, her Boyfriend knew this because he put his hand up her blouse to feel her heart, but it took him a long time to find it. I guess he was getting sick because they both started panting and getting out of breath. I think his other hand must have been getting cold because he put it up her skirt, about this time Sis got worse and started to moan and groan and moved to the end of the couch and she was really getting hot.

Finally, I found out what was really making them sick - a big eel had got in his pants. It just jumped out of his pants and it stood there about 10 inches long HONEST!!! Anyway he just grabbed it to stop it escaping.

When Sis saw this she started to call God and stuff like that, she said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down the lake. Sis got brave and tried to kill it by biting off it's head.

All of a sudden she made a noise and let go, I guess it bit her back. She then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and pulled it over it's head to stop it biting.

Sis laid back and opened her legs so she could get a scissor hold on it, and he helped by laying on top of it. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing, and her Boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they were trying to squash it between them. After a while they both quit moving and let out a big sigh, her Boyfriend got up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it was hanging there limp. Sis and her Boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to their courting. Anyway, she started kissing him back again and bugger me, the bloody eel wasn't dead it just jumped back up and started fighting again.

I guess eels are like cats, they have nine lives or something. This time Sis got up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.

After they had struggled for about three quarters of an hour they finally killed it. I knew this because Sis's Boyfriend skinned it and flushed it down the toilet...
 

GeoffP

Thank you and good night
Contributor
I'm Tired!

Yes, I'm tired. For several years I've been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, sccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow wax build up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is worth living.

But I found out it ain't that.

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 62 million
29 million are retired;
That leaves 33 million to do the work.
There are 23 million at school;
That leaves 10 million to do the work.
1 million are unemployed and 5 million are employed by the Government;
That leaves 4 million to do the work.
3 Million are employed by County and Borough Councils leaving 1 million to do the work.
There are 620,000 people in hospital and 379,998 in prisons.

Which leaves 2 people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting on your arse reading this!

No wonder I'm bloody tired!
 

FB

Not my cup of cake
Valued Member
How many ears does Mr Spock have?

3 - a left ear, right ear and space, the final front ear (frontier, geddit!)

I'll get me coat...
 

GeoffP

Thank you and good night
Contributor
A cracker I heard the other day -

Why did the Banana cross the road?



It was tied to the back of the Chicken....


Hey, that's my coat, yours is the one over by the mirror!
 

Brogan

Leg end
Staff member
Mick and Paddy are reading headstones at a cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
 

Matthew Little

Points Scorer
Aircraft Maintenance Humor............


In honor of pilots and flight crews everywhere, here's a brief list of things that aircraft maintenance crews have written in response to their concerns over the years.........

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on backorder.

Problem: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution: Suspect you're right!

Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.

Problem: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Solution: Pilots removed from aircraft.

Problem: Noise coming from #2 engine(sounds like man w/little hammer...)
Solution: Took little hammer away from man in engine #2.

Problem: Whining noise again found in #2 engine well.
Solution: Returned little hammer to man in engine #2.

Problem: 3 bugs found in cabin.
Solution: 1 bug wounded, 1 bug dead, 1 bug deposited in crew galley.

Problem: Test flight OK, autolanding rough.
Solution: No autolanding systems installed on aircraft.
 

Matthew Little

Points Scorer
Things overheard on airplanes..........


No matter how many times any of us have to fly from one destination to another, sometimes you can indeed hear the strangest things.......

~~Hello and welcome to Alaska Airways Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, then you're about to have a very long evening.

~~In the event of a loss in cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. Please stick it over your face like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate but there is oxygen there, I promise you.

~~If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put your mask on first. If you have two or more children, please take a moment to decide which of them you love more. Help them first, and work your way to the others.

~~In the seat pocket in front of you there is a magazine for your reading enjoyment. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer because it makes a very good fan. Please take it out now and play with it.

~~Thank you for enjoying Continental Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us your business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

~~When the plane reached its' cruising altitude, the pilot spoke over the intercom......"We've now reached cruising altitude of 36,000 feet, and I've now turned off the seat belt sign. I'm switching over to autopilot, too, so that I can come back there and chat with y'all during the course of our flight.

~~Upon landing, the pilot said, "We'd like to thank everyone onboard for flying with us this evening. And the next time you get the urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways".
 

Brogan

Leg end
Staff member
As said by a Royal Air Force pilot returning a group of people back to the UK from the Falkland Islands.

"For the WRAF's* on board, what's it like to be ugly again LOL"


* WRAF = Womens Royal Air Force and they're the only females in the Falklands.
 

Matthew Little

Points Scorer
...........some interesting comedic quotes from one of America's great misanthropic comedians, W.C. Fields..............


~~~Here lies W.C. Fields.....I'd rather be in San Francisco.
~~~Once in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew....we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days......
~~~'Twas a woman who drove me to drink.....I never had the courtesy to thank her.
~~~I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered out there........
~~~A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
~~~All of the men in my family were bearded........come to think of it, so were most of the women..............
~~~I don't drink water......Fish **** in it!!

--Q: Do you like children?
--A: I do if they're cooked properly.......

~~~I am free of all prejudice.....I hate everyone equally.......
~~~Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child........if you parboil them for several hours, they always come out tender.
~~~My father was one of the great immorals....er, immortals, of all time.
~~~Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.........
~~~Thou shalt not commit adultery....unless one is in the mood........
~~~Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's property unless they have a well-stocked bar......
~~~Here, have some razor blades, kids.....now, go play with them!!!

(After declining to play a round of golf with someone he didn't like, he said this gem of a quote.......) When I want to play with a *****, I'll play with my own!!

(When asked about clubs for women, he said this.......)....Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.....

(When caught reading the Bible once, he said this gem of a quote.......)......I'm looking for loopholes!

And finally..........When a man lies, cheats and steals, but hates children.....there must be something good about him!
 

FB

Not my cup of cake
Valued Member
Patient: Doctor whenever I lean forwards I see Mickey Mouse and as I stand up I see Donald Duck
Doctor: How long have you been having these Disney spells?
 

Bullfrog

Rookie
Some great puns in this thread, good work boys. One of my favourites:


Which side of a chicken has more feathers on it?

The inside.
 

KraXik

Rookie
My girlfriend thinks I'm boring because I like F1.

I'm sorry but if I want to spend two hours staring at they top left of my keyboard that's my choice!
 

Matthew Little

Points Scorer
Some Bad Puns...............
---Hear about the bailiff who moonlighted as a bartender? He served subpoena coladas.
---The tree surgeon arrived at our house and promptly hit my mom with a tree limb he cut down. He came, he saw, he conked her.
---The Northern bank teller could hardly understand her Southern customers withdrawls.
---A dog walks into a saloon, puts his bandaged foot on the bar, and announces...."I'm a-lookin for the man that shot my paw."
---Friction....it's such a drag.
---Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
---A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
---Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
---A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
---Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
---"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
---A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 

GeoffP

Thank you and good night
Contributor
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in
the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear and say nothing
that could later be used against his Boss.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is
that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."


The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says,
"Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"



The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
 
Top Bottom