Movies 17 Reasons why I now hate Star Wars


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Out of pure boredom I've created a list of reasons why I now hate the first Star Wars film. (and all that followed). With thanks to some of the funny lines on family guy and in revenge for all the pocket money I spent 30 years ago on those not very realistic plastic figures, that are now worth a fortune if they were mint and in their original boxes, unlike mine that are in a plastic tub in my mum and dads garage somewhere.

Star Wars (A No Hope)

1) When the good guys ship gets stopped at the beginning of the film the manner in which they totally fail to stop the bad guys coming through one door is hilarious. The Spartans would have fell about laughing. There are 20 or more of you set up in that corridor and you can only get one Stormtrooper through it at a time and yet they still manage to kill most of you. How? Plus, to quote Family Guy, what if they were to come through a different door?

2) When C3PO and R2 escape in the pod, the pod ejects from the ship and falls towards the planet below. Firstly as it falls away from the ship, you see a shot of C3PO and R2 looking through the back of it and at their own ship. From the other view of the craft you can see it has engines at the back. Very nice of the designers to, for some reason, include a little window between the engines. Also, the gunners on the main ship see the pod fall away and just as they are about to blow it to smitherenes are told (again thankyou family guy) to hold their fire as there are no life forms onboard. Obviously the empire have to pay for each laser bolt fired ?? And finally, without some sort of control to enter the atmosphere below, the escape pod would just burn up, they would have had to light the engines and as soon as they did, they surely would have been spotted and zapped??

3) If we ignore for the moment the whole luck of finding the one person in the middle of the desert who happened to know where the other person in the middle of the desert they're looking for, how does R2 manage to roll so well across sand ?

4) How on earth does the fact that sand people, who ride bloody great big elephant like creatures side by side, hide their numbers from anyone ??

5) Why, when every one else in the bar is a criminal of some sort does the barman not allow droids in his bar?? It's a bit like saying you can come in for a drink but you'll have to leave your smartphone outside.

6) When the stormtroopers are searching for C3PO and R2, why is that all the storage areas that are unlocked, are searched, but the locked one doesn't cause any suspicion at all?

7) So, the plan to escape from the Death Star after the Millennium Falcon has been captured is to send the old guy in the brown PJ's and dressing gown to turn off the tractor beam and not the two guys in disguise. The is a space station the size of a small moon whose crew must be absolutely enormous and all in military rig and no one is going to notice the strange old man walking around freely.

8) On the subject of Luke and Han's disguise, isn't it a miracle that they managed to knock out two Storm troopers who were an exact fit for their size. Luke if you'll remember "is a little short for a storm trooper" and therefore must have captured the shortest storm trooper on the Death Star.

9) When they rescue the princess, the leader of the rebel alliance shows absolutely no concern for her men whatsoever. Not once does she say "Right, let's go rescue the rest of my crew and then bust our way out of here. Then, In blowing the grill off the wall and jumping in, how did she know where on earth it would go?

10) When they land in the rubbish crusher, the water is only about 24 inches deep and yet while being strangled by the rubber snake beast Luke is completely invisible. Just kicking his legs up and down would have shown everyone where he was.

11) After escaping from the Death Star, the Princess works out that they have been allowed to escape as it was all too easy and thus they must have a bug on the ship. Do they look for it? Do they fly off in another direction, then give their rebel mates a call and get them to pick them up? Do they lead the empire a merry dance while transmitting the information they need to attack the death star to the rebels? Nope, they fly directly to the planet where they're all hiding and lead the empire directly to them.

12) Why does the death star have a hole in it that runs all the way into its reactor anyway?

13) The fighters used by the rebels are too quick to be shot down by the guns on the death star. In that case, what are the guns for ??

14) When you look at the trench the fighters are supposed to fly down, the hole they are trying to hit is on the floor of the trench. Firstly, how do the missiles they fire turn through right angles right above the hole and secondly wouldn't it make more sense to dive bomb the hole from above and thus avoid the need to fly straight along the trench for a ridiculous length of time giving the enemy a chance to shoot you.

15) When Porkins (great name for a fat bloke) is hit he's told by his wingman to eject. Really? He's in an open faced helmet and no space suit so where in the name of chuff is he supposed to eject too?

16) What do the fighters to the left and right of the lead fighter, making the bombing run, think they are going to do other than get blown up. They don't have backward facing guns and the rest of the squadrons circling above seem quite content to watch as they get the crap knocked out of them. See Luke's really helpful, "I see them, they're coming in at blah blah blah". Surely if Luke then dived down behind them and opened up with all lasers blazing he could have achieved the same effect that Han did a few minutes later for Luke but without the loss of a whole bunch of pilots.

17) In reference to the earlier indifference by the princess to the welfare of the rest of her crew, I guess they all end up taking one for the team when the Death Star blows up.

And to think, I used to love that film as a child. LOL
I have been in communication with George Lucas regarding the queries you have raised, his response was:
"Lighten the **** up man, they're fantasy movies."
I hope this allows you to regain your youthful enjoyment of the series.
No, not really, it hasn't. George Lucas lost any claim on holding a sensible discussion on this matter when he wrote the 3 new films which took any decent legacy the first 3 had built up over many a year, set fire to it and then pee'd all over the ashes.

Three words, Jar Jar Binks.

Enough said.
I'm going to answer a few of the questions.

5) The clone wars are still fresh in many peoples eyes and in backwater planets such as Tattoine the locals are still very mistrusting of droids as they were fighting against them about 25 years earlier.

12) The hole to the reactor is a reactor exhaust port. The gasses generated have to vent somewhere.....

13) The guns are for defenses against the battleships in the rebel alliance. Corvettes such as the Tantive IV would have been a prime target for the Death Stars defenses.

That will do for now, I'll defend the rest of the series later!
Why does the reactor vent have to be completely straight? It could take a few twists and turns to prevent a missile direct access to it and a couple of back up routs just in case of attack to maintain core integrity I would hate to think that modern day reactors don't have a couple of backup systems in case of emergency...
And it's a good thing they're in space because you only have to look at Chernobyl to realise that venting highly radioactive gas into the atmosphere is a really bad idea on any occasion. You have to feel sorry for anyone who works in the area of that vent because the metal in the region would be highly contaminated.
To answer another question.

1) The crew of the Tantive IV are clearly not front line troops. With the Rebel Alliance spread thin across the galaxy they can't afford to have their best troops babysitting ambassadors.

The marines facing the stormtroopers are the rebel equivalent of Dads Army

15) The open faced helmet ejector seat is very funny. But maybe the whole cockpit pod ejects just like the B1 bomber.

5) Droids aren't allowed in the bar for an obvious reason. They take up seats and don't buy drinks.
Seriuosly, cider_and_toast, do you always get so picky when you roll in from the pub late at night ... and a Thursday night as well?
Why does the reactor vent have to be completely straight? It could take a few twists and turns to prevent a missile direct access to it and a couple of back up routes just in case of attack to maintain core integrity I would hate to think that modern day reactors don't have a couple of backup systems in case of emergency...
All that was needed was to put a double diffuser at the vent exit to disturb the flow of gases and confuse any weapons guidance system.
And why am I now imagining Darth Vader with Ross Brawn's voice - slightly modified and with a hay-fever type wheeze? :crazy:
Surely, if they are capable of flying through hyperspace, and firing high energy weapons at a construction the size of a moon which is capable of destroying entire planets, worrying about a life support system on an ejected fighter is a bit "small fry"?
On the right-angle turning torpedoes - I decided some time ago that the "Achilles' Vent" was set to "suck" (to hold the atmosphere of the Death Star in), and hence sucked the torpedoes down the tube into the main reactor...:dunno: makes about as much sense as the rest of the "science" in the film!

Oh, and I still don't think "TPM" was that bad actually (JJB aside) - at least the acting performances were slightly more convincing than Ep.2. Seriously - if you're going to go to town with Digital editing and recompositing footage from endless takes to select the exact composition you want George, how exactly did you manage to select all the takes where it appears everyone has completely forgotten how to act?

I won't hear a bad word against Ep.3 though - that was quality. Certainly beats ROTJ for a trilogy-closer (no Ewoks).
I will always dis the Ewoks - even as an eager child, thoroughly immersed in Lucas' world throughout my waking hours, I thought they were pathetic. The Speeder Bikes and AT-STs were very cool though, which makes ROTJ watchable (just).
I used to work with a girl who had the same bobbing walk as Jar-Jar Binks. We gave her the nick-name of 'Binky'. She never did understand why, and I can't watch Star Wars eps with him in without giggling.

Ewoks however, are just awesome. But then I'm a girl, so am allowed to like small fluffy creatures.
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