Out of pure boredom I've created a list of reasons why I now hate the first Star Wars film. (and all that followed). With thanks to some of the funny lines on family guy and in revenge for all the pocket money I spent 30 years ago on those not very realistic plastic figures, that are now worth a fortune if they were mint and in their original boxes, unlike mine that are in a plastic tub in my mum and dads garage somewhere.
Star Wars (A No Hope)
1) When the good guys ship gets stopped at the beginning of the film the manner in which they totally fail to stop the bad guys coming through one door is hilarious. The Spartans would have fell about laughing. There are 20 or more of you set up in that corridor and you can only get one Stormtrooper through it at a time and yet they still manage to kill most of you. How? Plus, to quote Family Guy, what if they were to come through a different door?
2) When C3PO and R2 escape in the pod, the pod ejects from the ship and falls towards the planet below. Firstly as it falls away from the ship, you see a shot of C3PO and R2 looking through the back of it and at their own ship. From the other view of the craft you can see it has engines at the back. Very nice of the designers to, for some reason, include a little window between the engines. Also, the gunners on the main ship see the pod fall away and just as they are about to blow it to smitherenes are told (again thankyou family guy) to hold their fire as there are no life forms onboard. Obviously the empire have to pay for each laser bolt fired ?? And finally, without some sort of control to enter the atmosphere below, the escape pod would just burn up, they would have had to light the engines and as soon as they did, they surely would have been spotted and zapped??
3) If we ignore for the moment the whole luck of finding the one person in the middle of the desert who happened to know where the other person in the middle of the desert they're looking for, how does R2 manage to roll so well across sand ?
4) How on earth does the fact that sand people, who ride bloody great big elephant like creatures side by side, hide their numbers from anyone ??
5) Why, when every one else in the bar is a criminal of some sort does the barman not allow droids in his bar?? It's a bit like saying you can come in for a drink but you'll have to leave your smartphone outside.
6) When the stormtroopers are searching for C3PO and R2, why is that all the storage areas that are unlocked, are searched, but the locked one doesn't cause any suspicion at all?
7) So, the plan to escape from the Death Star after the Millennium Falcon has been captured is to send the old guy in the brown PJ's and dressing gown to turn off the tractor beam and not the two guys in disguise. The is a space station the size of a small moon whose crew must be absolutely enormous and all in military rig and no one is going to notice the strange old man walking around freely.
8) On the subject of Luke and Han's disguise, isn't it a miracle that they managed to knock out two Storm troopers who were an exact fit for their size. Luke if you'll remember "is a little short for a storm trooper" and therefore must have captured the shortest storm trooper on the Death Star.
9) When they rescue the princess, the leader of the rebel alliance shows absolutely no concern for her men whatsoever. Not once does she say "Right, let's go rescue the rest of my crew and then bust our way out of here. Then, In blowing the grill off the wall and jumping in, how did she know where on earth it would go?
10) When they land in the rubbish crusher, the water is only about 24 inches deep and yet while being strangled by the rubber snake beast Luke is completely invisible. Just kicking his legs up and down would have shown everyone where he was.
11) After escaping from the Death Star, the Princess works out that they have been allowed to escape as it was all too easy and thus they must have a bug on the ship. Do they look for it? Do they fly off in another direction, then give their rebel mates a call and get them to pick them up? Do they lead the empire a merry dance while transmitting the information they need to attack the death star to the rebels? Nope, they fly directly to the planet where they're all hiding and lead the empire directly to them.
12) Why does the death star have a hole in it that runs all the way into its reactor anyway?
13) The fighters used by the rebels are too quick to be shot down by the guns on the death star. In that case, what are the guns for ??
14) When you look at the trench the fighters are supposed to fly down, the hole they are trying to hit is on the floor of the trench. Firstly, how do the missiles they fire turn through right angles right above the hole and secondly wouldn't it make more sense to dive bomb the hole from above and thus avoid the need to fly straight along the trench for a ridiculous length of time giving the enemy a chance to shoot you.
15) When Porkins (great name for a fat bloke) is hit he's told by his wingman to eject. Really? He's in an open faced helmet and no space suit so where in the name of chuff is he supposed to eject too?
16) What do the fighters to the left and right of the lead fighter, making the bombing run, think they are going to do other than get blown up. They don't have backward facing guns and the rest of the squadrons circling above seem quite content to watch as they get the crap knocked out of them. See Luke's really helpful, "I see them, they're coming in at blah blah blah". Surely if Luke then dived down behind them and opened up with all lasers blazing he could have achieved the same effect that Han did a few minutes later for Luke but without the loss of a whole bunch of pilots.
17) In reference to the earlier indifference by the princess to the welfare of the rest of her crew, I guess they all end up taking one for the team when the Death Star blows up.
And to think, I used to love that film as a child.
Star Wars (A No Hope)
1) When the good guys ship gets stopped at the beginning of the film the manner in which they totally fail to stop the bad guys coming through one door is hilarious. The Spartans would have fell about laughing. There are 20 or more of you set up in that corridor and you can only get one Stormtrooper through it at a time and yet they still manage to kill most of you. How? Plus, to quote Family Guy, what if they were to come through a different door?
2) When C3PO and R2 escape in the pod, the pod ejects from the ship and falls towards the planet below. Firstly as it falls away from the ship, you see a shot of C3PO and R2 looking through the back of it and at their own ship. From the other view of the craft you can see it has engines at the back. Very nice of the designers to, for some reason, include a little window between the engines. Also, the gunners on the main ship see the pod fall away and just as they are about to blow it to smitherenes are told (again thankyou family guy) to hold their fire as there are no life forms onboard. Obviously the empire have to pay for each laser bolt fired ?? And finally, without some sort of control to enter the atmosphere below, the escape pod would just burn up, they would have had to light the engines and as soon as they did, they surely would have been spotted and zapped??
3) If we ignore for the moment the whole luck of finding the one person in the middle of the desert who happened to know where the other person in the middle of the desert they're looking for, how does R2 manage to roll so well across sand ?
4) How on earth does the fact that sand people, who ride bloody great big elephant like creatures side by side, hide their numbers from anyone ??
5) Why, when every one else in the bar is a criminal of some sort does the barman not allow droids in his bar?? It's a bit like saying you can come in for a drink but you'll have to leave your smartphone outside.
6) When the stormtroopers are searching for C3PO and R2, why is that all the storage areas that are unlocked, are searched, but the locked one doesn't cause any suspicion at all?
7) So, the plan to escape from the Death Star after the Millennium Falcon has been captured is to send the old guy in the brown PJ's and dressing gown to turn off the tractor beam and not the two guys in disguise. The is a space station the size of a small moon whose crew must be absolutely enormous and all in military rig and no one is going to notice the strange old man walking around freely.
8) On the subject of Luke and Han's disguise, isn't it a miracle that they managed to knock out two Storm troopers who were an exact fit for their size. Luke if you'll remember "is a little short for a storm trooper" and therefore must have captured the shortest storm trooper on the Death Star.
9) When they rescue the princess, the leader of the rebel alliance shows absolutely no concern for her men whatsoever. Not once does she say "Right, let's go rescue the rest of my crew and then bust our way out of here. Then, In blowing the grill off the wall and jumping in, how did she know where on earth it would go?
10) When they land in the rubbish crusher, the water is only about 24 inches deep and yet while being strangled by the rubber snake beast Luke is completely invisible. Just kicking his legs up and down would have shown everyone where he was.
11) After escaping from the Death Star, the Princess works out that they have been allowed to escape as it was all too easy and thus they must have a bug on the ship. Do they look for it? Do they fly off in another direction, then give their rebel mates a call and get them to pick them up? Do they lead the empire a merry dance while transmitting the information they need to attack the death star to the rebels? Nope, they fly directly to the planet where they're all hiding and lead the empire directly to them.
12) Why does the death star have a hole in it that runs all the way into its reactor anyway?
13) The fighters used by the rebels are too quick to be shot down by the guns on the death star. In that case, what are the guns for ??
14) When you look at the trench the fighters are supposed to fly down, the hole they are trying to hit is on the floor of the trench. Firstly, how do the missiles they fire turn through right angles right above the hole and secondly wouldn't it make more sense to dive bomb the hole from above and thus avoid the need to fly straight along the trench for a ridiculous length of time giving the enemy a chance to shoot you.
15) When Porkins (great name for a fat bloke) is hit he's told by his wingman to eject. Really? He's in an open faced helmet and no space suit so where in the name of chuff is he supposed to eject too?
16) What do the fighters to the left and right of the lead fighter, making the bombing run, think they are going to do other than get blown up. They don't have backward facing guns and the rest of the squadrons circling above seem quite content to watch as they get the crap knocked out of them. See Luke's really helpful, "I see them, they're coming in at blah blah blah". Surely if Luke then dived down behind them and opened up with all lasers blazing he could have achieved the same effect that Han did a few minutes later for Luke but without the loss of a whole bunch of pilots.
17) In reference to the earlier indifference by the princess to the welfare of the rest of her crew, I guess they all end up taking one for the team when the Death Star blows up.
And to think, I used to love that film as a child.
makes about as much sense as the rest of the "science" in the film!
