🤣 Have you heard the one about...

GeoffP

Thank you and good night
Contributor
2 policemen came to my door last night and showed me a picture of my wife.

They asked "Is this your wife Sir?"

I replied "Yes it is, why"?

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus Sir" they replied.

"I know" i said, "but she's got a lovely personality".......
 

GeoffP

Thank you and good night
Contributor
A bald headed man with a wooden leg was invited to a Halloween party.

Unsure of what costume to wear to disguise his head and his leg...he wrote to a fancy dress company asking for suggestions.

A few days later he received a parcel with a note which read..."Please find enclosed a Pirate's costume. The red spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and...with your wooden leg...you will make a great pirate".

The man was angry because the outfit emphasized his wooden leg...so he wrote a letter of complaint to the company.

A week later he received another parcel with a note that read..."Sorry about the Pirate's costume...please find enclosed a Monk's Habit...the long robe will hide your wooden leg...and with your bald head..you will really look the part".

The man was furious because this outfit emphasized his bald head...so he wrote another letter to the company.

The next day he received a parcel with a note which read..."Please find enclosed a jar of treacle...why don't you pour the treacle over your bald head...stick your wooden leg up your ass...and go as a toffee apple!".
 

GeoffP

Thank you and good night
Contributor
Waiting in Doncaster , to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.


"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
 

GeoffP

Thank you and good night
Contributor
A farmhand is driving around the farm on his tractor checking fences.

After a few minutes...he calls his boss on his mobile.

"Boss...I've got this here problem.

I must have hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the front grill of the tractor..and he's still wriggling.....what should I do?".

"In the back seat of the tractor there's a shotgun"...
his boss tells him.

"Shoot the pig in the head..and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in the back of the tractor.

"Okay"..says the farmhand.

About ten minutes later he calls back.

"Boss...I did what you said..I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in the back of the tractor".

"So...what's the problem?"...his boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!".
 

GeoffP

Thank you and good night
Contributor
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all do with a little help these days.
By following advice I read in an article, I've found inner peace.
The article read:
"The way to achieve inner peace and to feel good from the inside is to finish off all the things you have started".
So I looked around to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished....
Before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, some Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

And you have no idea how great I feel...

So pass this on to those you feel are in need of a little 'inner peace'.
 

GeoffP

Thank you and good night
Contributor
A short guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big, trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?"

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home."

He continues, crying even harder. "Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, ............and then you show up and drink the damn poison."
 

Fenderman

Rooters Reporter
A dipsomaniac, an insomniac and an agnostic walked into a bar.

The dipsomaniac asked the insomniac “Why did you walk into the bar when you just saw me walk into the bar?”
The insomniac replied “I can't sleep so it looked like a good idea.”

The insomniac then asked the agnostic “If you saw the drunk bloke walk into the bar and then saw me walk into the bar, how come you walked into the bar?”
The agnostic replied “I thought it was open.”
 

mjo

Procrastinating
Contributor
I'm going to apologise in advance, but...
My pet snail was having trouble recently, he kept losing in the snail races.
So I took his shell off, in the hope of reducing his weight and make him more aerodynamic to make him faster.
However, to my surprise, he didn't go any faster in his next race.
In fact, he was more sluggish.
 

mjo

Procrastinating
Contributor
I went to subway yesterday morning, and ordered the largest, greasiest, most expensive sub ever.
They gave me Andy Carroll.
 

ExtremeNinja

Karting amateur
Contributor
Cowboy gunslinger rides into town. He is one mean baddass looking character. He ties his horse out and stomps into the saloon throwing the doors wide open. The regulars in the bar go silent and a smell of fear is present in the air. The gunslinger walks over to the bar, silver six shooters at his side, and silver spurs clinking as he crosses the floor.

"two fingers of Red Eye, partner" the man snaps at the barman.

Trembling, the barman pours him a whiskey which the gunslinger promptly knocks back.

"Hit me again. Two fingers of Red Eye"

After knocking back his drink, the man gets up and walks menacingly out of the saloon where he finds that his horse is no longer there. Raging he stomps back into the bar.

"Right you varmint, I'm gonna get my self two more fingers of Red Eye and when Im finished, if my horse isn't back outside this saloon the same damned thing that happened in Tombstone is gonna happen right here. You all following me, boys?"

The barman pours the man another drink which is promptly knocked back. When he leaves the bar he is unsurprised to see his horse tied up by the water trough.

An old timer is sitting on the porch rocking to and fro in his chair. He looks up at the man as he mounts his horse.

"Excuse me fella, I hope you don't mind that I ask you. Can you tell me what happened in Tombstone?"

The gunslinger turns slowly, looking down from his horse.

"yeah, sure old-timer...

...I had to walk home!"
 

GeoffP

Thank you and good night
Contributor
A man walks into a bar, in the corner by the window a drunk calls for a can of red bull - downs it in one, pushes back his chair and jumps out the window....

The man rushes to the window only to see the drunk swooping past the window giggling.

The man turns to the barman just as the drunk flies back in...

"How did you do that?", the man asks the drunk

"Well, haven't you heard, Red Bull gives you wings!" Says the drunk "Look, I'll do it again"

He gets another Red Bull, jumps out of the window, flies around for a bit and comes back

"Give it a go yourself" the drunk says ordering another couple of cans

The man knocks back the Red Bull and tentatively goes to the window and jumps out with the drunk....

14 seconds later his head hits the pavement!

The drunk flies back in the window

"Superman, you're a right bastard when you're drunk" Says the barman
 

Brogan

🦶 Leg end
Staff member
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.


"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."


The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."


The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."


The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
 
Top Bottom