An old couple are sat in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First of all, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
A diving instructor speaks to a group of novice divers: I know you are worried, you are scared, but I assure you that at this airport only 1 diver gets killed out of 500. You however should not worry, because it's only 7 of you in this dive.
There was 1 time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. 1st of all who are these other guys?, & 2nd of all if it's happening to more than 1 of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. Which is probably why his submarine sank.
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.
I recently bought the box set of Doctor Who and watched it back to back. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the one facing the TV!
Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
A mum texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mum texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."