🤣 Have you heard the one about...

Angel

🧸 Smile, it might never happen.
Contributor
Thanks Brogan
Sorry I didn't find this thread, though to be honest I was looking for the word 'Joke' which is probably why I missed this one :embarrassed:

Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Statistics is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with 95% confidence.
 

Angel

🧸 Smile, it might never happen.
Contributor
An old couple are sat in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First of all, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
 

Angel

🧸 Smile, it might never happen.
Contributor
Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?
A: You can see right through them.
 

Izumi

Points Scorer
A diving instructor speaks to a group of novice divers: I know you are worried, you are scared, but I assure you that at this airport only 1 diver gets killed out of 500. You however should not worry, because it's only 7 of you in this dive.
 

F1Brits_90

Race Winner
There was 1 time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. 1st of all who are these other guys?, & 2nd of all if it's happening to more than 1 of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. Which is probably why his submarine sank.

My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.

I recently bought the box set of Doctor Who and watched it back to back. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the one facing the TV!
 

Angel

🧸 Smile, it might never happen.
Contributor
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.



Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."
 

Angel

🧸 Smile, it might never happen.
Contributor
Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

and

A mum texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mum texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
 

Angel

🧸 Smile, it might never happen.
Contributor
Some words of wisdom:

A WISE MAN ONCE SAID - NOTHING.

RESPECT YOUR ELDERS; THEY GRADUATED SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

WHY DO I HAVE TO PRESS "1" FOR ENGLISH? DID WE MOVE?

WE HAVE ENOUGH GUN CONTROL; WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.

BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.

INSTEAD OF "SINGLE” AS A MARITAL STATUS I PREFER "INDEPENDENTLY OWNED AND OPERATED".

PATIENCE: WHAT YOU HAVE WHEN THERE ARE TOO MANY WITNESSES.

LET'S STOP SENDING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND LET THEM HATE US FOR FREE.

VEGETARIAN: ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN'T HUNT, FISH, OR LIGHT FIRES!

I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK ... "REALLY? THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"

IN MY DEFENCE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.

IF GUNS KILL PEOPLE, THEN PENCILS MISSPELL WORDS, CARS MAKE PEOPLE DRIVE DRUNK, AND SPOONS MAKE PEOPLE FAT.

CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.

IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.

MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD....

SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID. AND I USUALLY REALISE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.
 

Andyoak

Race Winner
Ahhh, vegetarian: the life choice of a wealthy world.

Trust me, if you're hungry you won't care if it breathed before you cooked it.

Sorry, should be on the Ranty thread.
 

Dartman

Points Scorer
When you can't eat the prolific cow you are a touched stumped, vegie is the next option, like it or lump it for cheap munchiesLOL
 

Andyoak

Race Winner
Nothing beats a Pinky's Kebab when you have the munchies...

For those who may have known Plymouth in the 80's :)
 
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