🤣 Have you heard the one about...


🦶 Leg end
Staff member
What do you do if you're attacked by a group of circus performers?

Go for the juggler.


Podium Finisher
What is the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One is a two legged marsupial from the mainly found in Australia
The other is a noise a geordie makes when theyre stuck in a lift

A horse walks into a bar and says; 'Could i please ask for a refeshing drink of your finest ale?
The Barman replies; "**** me a talking horse'

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Something i read years ago.

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Thank you and good night
I went shopping the other day, bought myself a new pair of boots....

Got home, put them on and went in to the wife

"Do you notice anything different?"

"You done your hair?", "nope", "new trousers?", "nope....", "Had a shave...?"

I left the room, stripped naked, Went back into the room.....

"Do you notice anything different now?"

"Well, it's pointing down, it always points down, what's your sodding point?"

"Of course it's pointing down, it's looking at my new bloody boots!"


Here be dragons.
It would seem that Trevor is in a as a dire a situation as Ernest or, indeed, Will - sorry, family joke :D


Podium Finisher
A favourite which I think probably came from the Now Show or similar:

Why are chavs like slinkies?

Because they both serve no useful purpose and its fun to watch them falling down stairs!


World Champion
Dumping your cross eyed girlfriend because she is "seeing" someone else!

Sick I know but I couldn't afford to not :snigger:

Jos the Boss

Champion Elect
Horse walks into a bar.

Barman says, "Why the long face?"

The Horse replies,"It's because you tell the same joke everytime I come in here!"
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